A Photographer Retouches Her Perspective | Alexa Mazzarello | TEDxSFU

so I want to start with a question for

so I want to start with a question for you when you look in the mirror what do

you when you look in the mirror what do

you when you look in the mirror what do you see what are you thinking about or

you see what are you thinking about or

you see what are you thinking about or yeah or when you pass the magazine aisle

yeah or when you pass the magazine aisle

yeah or when you pass the magazine aisle at the grocery store or at the drugstore

at the grocery store or at the drugstore

at the grocery store or at the drugstore and you see the cover of Elle or men’s

and you see the cover of Elle or men’s

and you see the cover of Elle or men’s health how does it make you feel or even

health how does it make you feel or even

health how does it make you feel or even I want you to think about the last time

I want you to think about the last time

I want you to think about the last time somebody took a picture of you maybe it

somebody took a picture of you maybe it

somebody took a picture of you maybe it was like a casual photo that you’re

was like a casual photo that you’re

was like a casual photo that you’re gonna post on Instagram or maybe it was

gonna post on Instagram or maybe it was

gonna post on Instagram or maybe it was actually a professional portrait that

actually a professional portrait that

actually a professional portrait that you’re having done by a professional

you’re having done by a professional

you’re having done by a professional photographer what were the things you

photographer what were the things you

photographer what were the things you were thinking about your body what were

were thinking about your body what were

were thinking about your body what were you trying to hide or not show or maybe

you trying to hide or not show or maybe

you trying to hide or not show or maybe accentuate these are the questions that

accentuate these are the questions that

accentuate these are the questions that I thought about when I created an art

I thought about when I created an art

I thought about when I created an art show called body thoughts and that’s

show called body thoughts and that’s

show called body thoughts and that’s what I’m here to talk to you about today

so it’s a couple days until the show and

so it’s a couple days until the show and I’m on the way to the photo lab to pick

I’m on the way to the photo lab to pick

I’m on the way to the photo lab to pick up the prints six large scale images of

up the prints six large scale images of

up the prints six large scale images of my body photographs I’ve taken of myself

my body photographs I’ve taken of myself

my body photographs I’ve taken of myself self-portraits and I’m a little bit

self-portraits and I’m a little bit

self-portraits and I’m a little bit nervous because I don’t know how

nervous because I don’t know how

nervous because I don’t know how prepared I am to see not so much my

prepared I am to see not so much my

prepared I am to see not so much my naked body but my body blown up I see my

naked body but my body blown up I see my

naked body but my body blown up I see my naked body it’s fine

naked body it’s fine

naked body it’s fine but my body blown up in a print that is

but my body blown up in a print that is

but my body blown up in a print that is 40 inches by 60 inches and to give you a

40 inches by 60 inches and to give you a

40 inches by 60 inches and to give you a point of reference that’s about the size

point of reference that’s about the size

point of reference that’s about the size of a movie poster so I walk up the

of a movie poster so I walk up the

of a movie poster so I walk up the stairs and I see the lab technician and

stairs and I see the lab technician and

stairs and I see the lab technician and he’s beginning to unroll the images I’m

he’s beginning to unroll the images I’m

he’s beginning to unroll the images I’m excited I’m terrified but there’s one

excited I’m terrified but there’s one

excited I’m terrified but there’s one image I’m specifically anticipating

image I’m specifically anticipating

image I’m specifically anticipating seeing and that’s a picture of my back

seeing and that’s a picture of my back

seeing and that’s a picture of my back in the process of choosing six from

in the process of choosing six from

in the process of choosing six from hundreds of pictures that I had taken of

hundreds of pictures that I had taken of

hundreds of pictures that I had taken of myself I knew I had to include this

myself I knew I had to include this

myself I knew I had to include this picture in the show because this

picture in the show because this

picture in the show because this portrait of my back has a personal story

portrait of my back has a personal story

portrait of my back has a personal story attached to it that I’ve had for a long

attached to it that I’ve had for a long

attached to it that I’ve had for a long time and I’ve never really talked about

time and I’ve never really talked about

time and I’ve never really talked about it

it

it now I’m clearly talking about it so

now I’m clearly talking about it so

now I’m clearly talking about it so that’s all over

that’s all over

that’s all over I was always kind of ashamed that I had

I was always kind of ashamed that I had

I was always kind of ashamed that I had this story be a felt it was kind of

this story be a felt it was kind of

this story be a felt it was kind of silly but I thought if I included this

silly but I thought if I included this

silly but I thought if I included this picture in the show it would once and

picture in the show it would once and

picture in the show it would once and for all I would reveal this part of

for all I would reveal this part of

for all I would reveal this part of myself and that insecurity would lose

myself and that insecurity would lose

myself and that insecurity would lose its power I thought I could retell this

its power I thought I could retell this

its power I thought I could retell this story and it was an opportunity to shift

story and it was an opportunity to shift

story and it was an opportunity to shift my perspective in the face of my fear so

my perspective in the face of my fear so

my perspective in the face of my fear so in this picture is wrapped the story

in this picture is wrapped the story

in this picture is wrapped the story I’ve carried since I was about 8 years

I’ve carried since I was about 8 years

I’ve carried since I was about 8 years old when a little girl in dance class

old when a little girl in dance class

old when a little girl in dance class tapped me on the shoulder and said Alexa

tapped me on the shoulder and said Alexa

tapped me on the shoulder and said Alexa why do you have hair on your back I know

why do you have hair on your back I know

why do you have hair on your back I know so at 8 I’d never really seen or known

so at 8 I’d never really seen or known

so at 8 I’d never really seen or known anything but this part of my body and in

anything but this part of my body and in

anything but this part of my body and in an instant I became ashamed and I felt

an instant I became ashamed and I felt

an instant I became ashamed and I felt different and gross and ugly now I

different and gross and ugly now I

different and gross and ugly now I wonder if you’ve had one of these

wonder if you’ve had one of these

wonder if you’ve had one of these moments maybe it wasn’t in dance class

moments maybe it wasn’t in dance class

moments maybe it wasn’t in dance class but maybe it was in the locker room or

but maybe it was in the locker room or

but maybe it was in the locker room or in the school yard or maybe even as an

in the school yard or maybe even as an

in the school yard or maybe even as an adult I think we still all have moments

adult I think we still all have moments

adult I think we still all have moments like this as an adults so think about

like this as an adults so think about

like this as an adults so think about that for a second

so as the photographs are being rolled

so as the photographs are being rolled out I see this image for the first time

out I see this image for the first time

out I see this image for the first time and my reaction is so much different

and my reaction is so much different

and my reaction is so much different than I expected

than I expected

than I expected I wasn’t horrified I wasn’t ashamed my

I wasn’t horrified I wasn’t ashamed my

I wasn’t horrified I wasn’t ashamed my immediate reaction was actually that I

immediate reaction was actually that I

immediate reaction was actually that I really loved this picture he was

really loved this picture he was

really loved this picture he was instantly my favorite which is kind of

instantly my favorite which is kind of

instantly my favorite which is kind of funny because I you know have this

funny because I you know have this

funny because I you know have this ridiculous story but that’s part of my

ridiculous story but that’s part of my

ridiculous story but that’s part of my body and I do this dramatic thing and

body and I do this dramatic thing and

body and I do this dramatic thing and then my feeling is oh it’s not so bad

then my feeling is oh it’s not so bad

then my feeling is oh it’s not so bad I kind of liked this picture objectively

I kind of liked this picture objectively

I kind of liked this picture objectively when I look at this picture and the

when I look at this picture and the

when I look at this picture and the other five I see beauty and honesty I

other five I see beauty and honesty I

other five I see beauty and honesty I see comfort and a real body skin and

see comfort and a real body skin and

see comfort and a real body skin and hair and cellulite and rolls and stretch

hair and cellulite and rolls and stretch

hair and cellulite and rolls and stretch marks all the things were all familiar

marks all the things were all familiar

marks all the things were all familiar with all the imperfections were all

with all the imperfections were all

with all the imperfections were all familiar with so I begin to fall in love

familiar with so I begin to fall in love

familiar with so I begin to fall in love with these images and the woman in them

with these images and the woman in them

with these images and the woman in them and the thing that I had been so worried

and the thing that I had been so worried

and the thing that I had been so worried about for so long actually dulls in

about for so long actually dulls in

about for so long actually dulls in comparison to the importance of showing

comparison to the importance of showing

comparison to the importance of showing the honesty

the honesty

the honesty so as we’re packing up the photos for me

so as we’re packing up the photos for me

so as we’re packing up the photos for me to take away the technician says to me i

to take away the technician says to me i

to take away the technician says to me i retouched some of the images I know so I

retouched some of the images I know so I

retouched some of the images I know so I was silent and in shock because this is

was silent and in shock because this is

was silent and in shock because this is not something I had asked him to do so I

not something I had asked him to do so I

not something I had asked him to do so I proceeded to ask him what did you change

proceeded to ask him what did you change

proceeded to ask him what did you change and he said he removed some ingrown

and he said he removed some ingrown

and he said he removed some ingrown hairs from the back of my legs in the

hairs from the back of my legs in the

hairs from the back of my legs in the previous photo that you saw and he

previous photo that you saw and he

previous photo that you saw and he dulled the peach fuzz on my back that’s

dulled the peach fuzz on my back that’s

dulled the peach fuzz on my back that’s what he called it peach fuzz

[Laughter]

[Laughter] so he said this is usually what people

so he said this is usually what people

so he said this is usually what people want they usually ask me to do this and

want they usually ask me to do this and

want they usually ask me to do this and I think now it’s important for me to say

I think now it’s important for me to say

I think now it’s important for me to say I want you to know he didn’t ruin the

I want you to know he didn’t ruin the

I want you to know he didn’t ruin the show and he’s not the villain what he

show and he’s not the villain what he

show and he’s not the villain what he did I think is interesting because it’s

did I think is interesting because it’s

did I think is interesting because it’s not so much that he changed the image

not so much that he changed the image

not so much that he changed the image there I still showed all the things that

there I still showed all the things that

there I still showed all the things that I had wanted to show there was still

I had wanted to show there was still

I had wanted to show there was still hair still stretch marks still all those

hair still stretch marks still all those

hair still stretch marks still all those things but I think what’s so interesting

things but I think what’s so interesting

things but I think what’s so interesting is that I wanted to understand and

is that I wanted to understand and

is that I wanted to understand and investigate why did he feel like he had

investigate why did he feel like he had

investigate why did he feel like he had to do that when I didn’t ask him to

because his intentions actually were

because his intentions actually were good he thought he was being helpful and

good he thought he was being helpful and

good he thought he was being helpful and he was kind of proud to tell me what are

he was kind of proud to tell me what are

he was kind of proud to tell me what are you done and I think that’s because the

you done and I think that’s because the

you done and I think that’s because the reality is we live in a retouch culture

reality is we live in a retouch culture

reality is we live in a retouch culture we live in a culture where we’re

we live in a culture where we’re

we live in a culture where we’re actually not used to seeing real bodies

actually not used to seeing real bodies

actually not used to seeing real bodies and that’s what I want to change so

and that’s what I want to change so

and that’s what I want to change so unlike many other photographers I know I

unlike many other photographers I know I

unlike many other photographers I know I didn’t seriously pick up a camera until

didn’t seriously pick up a camera until

didn’t seriously pick up a camera until I was almost 20 I was in my third year

I was almost 20 I was in my third year

I was almost 20 I was in my third year of my undergraduate degree and I was

of my undergraduate degree and I was

of my undergraduate degree and I was studying sociology and psych I was

studying sociology and psych I was

studying sociology and psych I was learning about all of the reasons and

learning about all of the reasons and

learning about all of the reasons and environmental factors that make people

environmental factors that make people

environmental factors that make people and groups of people healthy or not and

and groups of people healthy or not and

and groups of people healthy or not and I really love this I loved learning I

I really love this I loved learning I

I really love this I loved learning I continued my academic studies and

continued my academic studies and

continued my academic studies and finished a master’s degree in public

finished a master’s degree in public

finished a master’s degree in public health and when I was done I got a

health and when I was done I got a

health and when I was done I got a municipal government job and on the side

municipal government job and on the side

municipal government job and on the side I started working as a second

I started working as a second

I started working as a second photographer so those very early years

photographer so those very early years

photographer so those very early years of my very first camera a Canon Rebel T

of my very first camera a Canon Rebel T

of my very first camera a Canon Rebel T one eye and a fifty millimeter lens were

one eye and a fifty millimeter lens were

one eye and a fifty millimeter lens were when I fell in love with photography to

when I fell in love with photography to

when I fell in love with photography to me photography was all about creative

me photography was all about creative

me photography was all about creative expression and storytelling and its

expression and storytelling and its

expression and storytelling and its power lies in its ability to make you

power lies in its ability to make you

power lies in its ability to make you the viewer feel something and to capture

the viewer feel something and to capture

the viewer feel something and to capture moments that we honestly would not

moments that we honestly would not

moments that we honestly would not remember otherwise for example this is

remember otherwise for example this is

remember otherwise for example this is Megan on her wedding day and this is the

Megan on her wedding day and this is the

Megan on her wedding day and this is the first time that her dad saw her in her

first time that her dad saw her in her

first time that her dad saw her in her gown

and this is about 20 minutes after her

and this is about 20 minutes after her and Vitor just exchanged vows and got

and Vitor just exchanged vows and got

and Vitor just exchanged vows and got married so a photograph has the power to

married so a photograph has the power to

married so a photograph has the power to make other people feel the weight of the

make other people feel the weight of the

make other people feel the weight of the thing that you’ve captured I became

thing that you’ve captured I became

thing that you’ve captured I became deeply inspired by other female

deeply inspired by other female

deeply inspired by other female photographers like Sally Mann and Annie

photographers like Sally Mann and Annie

photographers like Sally Mann and Annie Leibovitz and I would spend all my free

Leibovitz and I would spend all my free

Leibovitz and I would spend all my free time all my free time not at the office

time all my free time not at the office

time all my free time not at the office browsing blogs buying books and studying

browsing blogs buying books and studying

browsing blogs buying books and studying what these women did to get to where

what these women did to get to where

what these women did to get to where they are today so eventually I started

they are today so eventually I started

they are today so eventually I started having my own clients and they were

having my own clients and they were

having my own clients and they were primarily women and girls brides dancers

primarily women and girls brides dancers

primarily women and girls brides dancers couples engaged or on their wedding day

couples engaged or on their wedding day

couples engaged or on their wedding day and I quickly observed something that

and I quickly observed something that

and I quickly observed something that really bothered me almost every time a

really bothered me almost every time a

really bothered me almost every time a woman was in front of my camera I would

woman was in front of my camera I would

woman was in front of my camera I would hear her say things about her body and

hear her say things about her body and

hear her say things about her body and it was really normal this was like a

it was really normal this was like a

it was really normal this was like a normal thing I mean I know because I’m a

normal thing I mean I know because I’m a

normal thing I mean I know because I’m a woman and I have a body and I had these

woman and I have a body and I had these

woman and I have a body and I had these thoughts but I was shocked and I was

thoughts but I was shocked and I was

thoughts but I was shocked and I was really unprepared to deal with the

really unprepared to deal with the

really unprepared to deal with the negative self-talk it was really rare

negative self-talk it was really rare

negative self-talk it was really rare that I wouldn’t have a female client

that I wouldn’t have a female client

that I wouldn’t have a female client provide a commentary to me I also found

provide a commentary to me I also found

provide a commentary to me I also found it really interesting that men said

it really interesting that men said

it really interesting that men said almost nothing and I know that’s not

almost nothing and I know that’s not

almost nothing and I know that’s not because you don’t have thoughts or ideas

because you don’t have thoughts or ideas

because you don’t have thoughts or ideas or thoughts about your body but I found

or thoughts about your body but I found

or thoughts about your body but I found it really interesting that they wouldn’t

it really interesting that they wouldn’t

it really interesting that they wouldn’t share those things out loud I wonder if

share those things out loud I wonder if

share those things out loud I wonder if you were to share those things what they

you were to share those things what they

you were to share those things what they would be but with women I ended up

would be but with women I ended up

would be but with women I ended up feeling more like a counselor than a

feeling more like a counselor than a

feeling more like a counselor than a photographer and I realized that the way

photographer and I realized that the way

photographer and I realized that the way my subjects saw themselves was not how I

my subjects saw themselves was not how I

my subjects saw themselves was not how I saw them I would have clients ask me if

saw them I would have clients ask me if

saw them I would have clients ask me if I could photoshop their stomach I had

I could photoshop their stomach I had

I could photoshop their stomach I had one client this beautiful woman tell me

one client this beautiful woman tell me

one client this beautiful woman tell me that there was one side of her face that

that there was one side of her face that

that there was one side of her face that was better and I should shoot that side

was better and I should shoot that side

was better and I should shoot that side of her face and she had actually been

of her face and she had actually been

of her face and she had actually been told that she modeled briefly in Toronto

told that she modeled briefly in Toronto

told that she modeled briefly in Toronto and a photographer actually told her

and a photographer actually told her

and a photographer actually told her that and that’s what she remembered

that and that’s what she remembered

that and that’s what she remembered forever so I started contemplating and

forever so I started contemplating and

forever so I started contemplating and reflecting about what my job actually

reflecting about what my job actually

reflecting about what my job actually was as a photographer at the end of the

was as a photographer at the end of the

was as a photographer at the end of the day clients pay me they give me their

day clients pay me they give me their

day clients pay me they give me their money to take pictures of them and in

money to take pictures of them and in

money to take pictures of them and in any other job your job is to make your

any other job your job is to make your

any other job your job is to make your clients happy but I always wondered I

clients happy but I always wondered I

clients happy but I always wondered I started to wonder how far should I go

started to wonder how far should I go

started to wonder how far should I go and at what point can I draw the line

and at what point can I draw the line

and at what point can I draw the line and say no and I did a lot of times so

and say no and I did a lot of times so

and say no and I did a lot of times so while I was contemplating all these

while I was contemplating all these

while I was contemplating all these things all the reasons I had loved

things all the reasons I had loved

things all the reasons I had loved photography and storytelling they began

photography and storytelling they began

photography and storytelling they began to fall away I felt really discouraged

to fall away I felt really discouraged

to fall away I felt really discouraged and confused and frustrated and I

and confused and frustrated and I

and confused and frustrated and I couldn’t quite figure out how to make my

couldn’t quite figure out how to make my

couldn’t quite figure out how to make my clients happy while remaining in my

clients happy while remaining in my

clients happy while remaining in my opinion an ethically sound human being

opinion an ethically sound human being

opinion an ethically sound human being this dilemma had me step back from

this dilemma had me step back from

this dilemma had me step back from photography for about a year but it also

photography for about a year but it also

photography for about a year but it also inspired me to want to talk about what I

inspired me to want to talk about what I

inspired me to want to talk about what I was feeling and hearing and during that

was feeling and hearing and during that

was feeling and hearing and during that time for the first time I actually

time for the first time I actually

time for the first time I actually thought hey my background in health

thought hey my background in health

thought hey my background in health gives me a unique lens to speak out and

gives me a unique lens to speak out and

gives me a unique lens to speak out and do something about this I wondered if I

do something about this I wondered if I

do something about this I wondered if I could connect those two worlds my

could connect those two worlds my

could connect those two worlds my background in health and my current job

background in health and my current job

background in health and my current job as a photographer so now I want to ask

as a photographer so now I want to ask

as a photographer so now I want to ask you another question and I want to go

you another question and I want to go

you another question and I want to go back to the question I asked at the

back to the question I asked at the

back to the question I asked at the beginning I want you to think about the

beginning I want you to think about the

beginning I want you to think about the process you went through today getting

process you went through today getting

process you went through today getting ready and whatever outfit you’re wearing

ready and whatever outfit you’re wearing

ready and whatever outfit you’re wearing to come here with all these people why

to come here with all these people why

to come here with all these people why did you choose that outfit

did you choose that outfit

did you choose that outfit did you change you change your pants or

did you change you change your pants or

did you change you change your pants or your shirt and think again about the

your shirt and think again about the

your shirt and think again about the that question I asked you about how you

that question I asked you about how you

that question I asked you about how you feel when you’re having your photograph

feel when you’re having your photograph

feel when you’re having your photograph taken and what you’re trying to hide or

taken and what you’re trying to hide or

taken and what you’re trying to hide or show or accentuate or not show at all so

show or accentuate or not show at all so

show or accentuate or not show at all so you probably don’t even notice them

you probably don’t even notice them

you probably don’t even notice them anymore but whatever thoughts you’re

anymore but whatever thoughts you’re

anymore but whatever thoughts you’re having about your body they’re there all

having about your body they’re there all

having about your body they’re there all the time sometimes body thoughts are

the time sometimes body thoughts are

the time sometimes body thoughts are positive other times body thoughts are

positive other times body thoughts are

positive other times body thoughts are negative and I would even argue that a

negative and I would even argue that a

negative and I would even argue that a lot of times body thoughts can be

lot of times body thoughts can be

lot of times body thoughts can be like for example the thoughts that I had

like for example the thoughts that I had

like for example the thoughts that I had about my back this thought and this

about my back this thought and this

about my back this thought and this insecurity had me act in a way that I

insecurity had me act in a way that I

insecurity had me act in a way that I wasn’t free I wouldn’t wear dresses with

wasn’t free I wouldn’t wear dresses with

wasn’t free I wouldn’t wear dresses with an open back every time was in a bathing

an open back every time was in a bathing

an open back every time was in a bathing suit I just cover my back my long hair

suit I just cover my back my long hair

suit I just cover my back my long hair and in relationships I even shield it

and in relationships I even shield it

and in relationships I even shield it this part of myself and being a side

this part of myself and being a side

this part of myself and being a side sleeper this was very very annoying so

sleeper this was very very annoying so

sleeper this was very very annoying so to explore this idea the idea that body

to explore this idea the idea that body

to explore this idea the idea that body thoughts are oppressive I created a

thoughts are oppressive I created a

thoughts are oppressive I created a multimedia art show this show is made up

multimedia art show this show is made up

multimedia art show this show is made up of those same six large-scale portraits

of those same six large-scale portraits

of those same six large-scale portraits that I picked up from the photo lab and

that I picked up from the photo lab and

that I picked up from the photo lab and when you walked in the room you were

when you walked in the room you were

when you walked in the room you were greeted with two cue cards one that had

greeted with two cue cards one that had

greeted with two cue cards one that had a question and one for you to write down

a question and one for you to write down

a question and one for you to write down your own thoughts you’re also given a

your own thoughts you’re also given a

your own thoughts you’re also given a set of headphones and a link to an audio

set of headphones and a link to an audio

set of headphones and a link to an audio interview of me free speaking about my

interview of me free speaking about my

interview of me free speaking about my experience in my own body ultimately the

experience in my own body ultimately the

experience in my own body ultimately the body thoughts Art Show was a way for me

body thoughts Art Show was a way for me

body thoughts Art Show was a way for me to use my body and my thoughts as an

to use my body and my thoughts as an

to use my body and my thoughts as an artist to bring other people in a tuned

artist to bring other people in a tuned

artist to bring other people in a tuned experience that would get them to start

experience that would get them to start

experience that would get them to start thinking and become aware of their own

thinking and become aware of their own

thinking and become aware of their own thoughts about their own body okay so I

thoughts about their own body okay so I

thoughts about their own body okay so I wouldn’t feel like this talk was

wouldn’t feel like this talk was

wouldn’t feel like this talk was complete if I didn’t give you your own

complete if I didn’t give you your own

complete if I didn’t give you your own mini body thoughts experience it’s

mini body thoughts experience it’s

mini body thoughts experience it’s really something that’s meant to be felt

really something that’s meant to be felt

really something that’s meant to be felt subjectively so I’m gonna play you some

subjectively so I’m gonna play you some

subjectively so I’m gonna play you some audio from the show we’re gonna dim the

audio from the show we’re gonna dim the

audio from the show we’re gonna dim the lights and if you’d like you can close

lights and if you’d like you can close

lights and if you’d like you can close your eyes these are my body thoughts

your eyes these are my body thoughts

your eyes these are my body thoughts what are yours

maybe not happened to my body but

maybe not happened to my body but watching my aunt died of cancer was an

watching my aunt died of cancer was an

watching my aunt died of cancer was an extremely humbling experience like our

extremely humbling experience like our

extremely humbling experience like our bodies are really amazing look we get to

bodies are really amazing look we get to

bodies are really amazing look we get to be alive because we have them it’s so

be alive because we have them it’s so

be alive because we have them it’s so cool and whenever I come back to that

cool and whenever I come back to that

cool and whenever I come back to that and I think about being with her at that

and I think about being with her at that

and I think about being with her at that time I think about how lucky I am to

time I think about how lucky I am to

time I think about how lucky I am to have a body and I just want to eat all

have a body and I just want to eat all

have a body and I just want to eat all the food I can eat and enjoy all the

the food I can eat and enjoy all the

the food I can eat and enjoy all the things I can enjoy it with my body and

things I can enjoy it with my body and

things I can enjoy it with my body and do all the things that my body gets to

do all the things that my body gets to

do all the things that my body gets to do and spend zero time hating it just

do and spend zero time hating it just

do and spend zero time hating it just being really really grateful that I get

being really really grateful that I get

being really really grateful that I get to have it for this short time I think

to have it for this short time I think

to have it for this short time I think that’s the thing as we spend a lot of

that’s the thing as we spend a lot of

that’s the thing as we spend a lot of time thinking about what we should say

time thinking about what we should say

time thinking about what we should say or what I what I should look like what I

or what I what I should look like what I

or what I what I should look like what I should think about my body how it should

should think about my body how it should

should think about my body how it should be and this has been really cool because

be and this has been really cool because

be and this has been really cool because I get to just show up but I started

I get to just show up but I started

I get to just show up but I started taking pictures of myself and I was like

taking pictures of myself and I was like

taking pictures of myself and I was like oh I think I look ok where’s the other

oh I think I look ok where’s the other

oh I think I look ok where’s the other day I was having a really good day I was

day I was having a really good day I was

day I was having a really good day I was really happy and I took pictures and it

really happy and I took pictures and it

really happy and I took pictures and it was hard to look at those pictures like

was hard to look at those pictures like

was hard to look at those pictures like it was like oh that’s there’s a lot of

it was like oh that’s there’s a lot of

it was like oh that’s there’s a lot of fat on my stomach that’s what my stomach

fat on my stomach that’s what my stomach

fat on my stomach that’s what my stomach looks like sometimes and today I’m

looks like sometimes and today I’m

looks like sometimes and today I’m feeling really emotional and I just have

feeling really emotional and I just have

feeling really emotional and I just have to go with it because it’s just that’s

to go with it because it’s just that’s

to go with it because it’s just that’s just honest that’s just what’s happening

just honest that’s just what’s happening

just honest that’s just what’s happening today

it’s really liberating to not worry

it’s really liberating to not worry about like oh gotta took one little role

about like oh gotta took one little role

about like oh gotta took one little role in so nobody sees it

so I really know how oppressive body

so I really know how oppressive body thoughts can feel and despite the

thoughts can feel and despite the

thoughts can feel and despite the unintentional actions of that little

unintentional actions of that little

unintentional actions of that little girl in dance class or the man at the

girl in dance class or the man at the

girl in dance class or the man at the photo lab I’ve slowly but surely been

photo lab I’ve slowly but surely been

photo lab I’ve slowly but surely been able to see myself and my work

able to see myself and my work

able to see myself and my work differently and I actually found that

differently and I actually found that

differently and I actually found that the thing I had abandoned in the first

the thing I had abandoned in the first

the thing I had abandoned in the first place

place

place Photography was the tool that saved me I

Photography was the tool that saved me I

Photography was the tool that saved me I just had to take a step back switch

just had to take a step back switch

just had to take a step back switch sides I’ll use my voice and ultimately

sides I’ll use my voice and ultimately

sides I’ll use my voice and ultimately shift my perspective I really never

shift my perspective I really never

shift my perspective I really never expected to have this opportunity and

expected to have this opportunity and

expected to have this opportunity and that’s the opportunity to give this

that’s the opportunity to give this

that’s the opportunity to give this experience in my art away to you and now

experience in my art away to you and now

experience in my art away to you and now you have the opportunity to do the same

you have the opportunity to do the same

you have the opportunity to do the same my hope is that you’ve got something for

my hope is that you’ve got something for

my hope is that you’ve got something for yourself out of listening I don’t know

yourself out of listening I don’t know

yourself out of listening I don’t know what that is but I hope it’s encouraging

what that is but I hope it’s encouraging

what that is but I hope it’s encouraging or uplifting or maybe just comforting

or uplifting or maybe just comforting

or uplifting or maybe just comforting what did hearing my body thoughts bring

what did hearing my body thoughts bring

what did hearing my body thoughts bring up for you thank you

up for you thank you

up for you thank you [Applause]