The topic that I want to talk about today, it touches me very much.
But as a person is not affected.
And God grant that it will never be affected.
She excites me as a specialist.
On the scope of his activities as a teacher-psychologist
children are brought to me,
who lost something in their lives.
I work with losses,
child losses.
What do you think that should lose a child, so he came to me for a consultation?
Viewer: iPhone. (Laugh)
Tamara Kozyro: Good loss, what else?
(Cross-cues from the audience)
Spectator: Dream.
TK: Sleep is possible.
The Spectator: Myself.
TC: Yourself?
That’s about ourselves and we’ll talk.
I heard from the first row.
The most terrible loss for children is the loss of parents.
Parents can be lost in different ways.
And the easiest way to lose parents,
which does not depend on children in principle, –
it’s a divorce.
Why do you think we’re getting divorced?
Spectator: Because we’re getting married. (Laugh)
TK: Because we’re getting married?
Perfectly!
(Cmeh)
(Applause)
I will not say why we are getting married.
So all the same, because of what we get divorced?
Spectator: Love passes.
TC: Love passes, what else?
Viewer: Requirements are changing.
TC: The requirements are changing, yeah.
Spectator: We’re tired, maybe. TC: I’m tired.
Spectator: Jealousy. The roads diverge.
TK: Tired, we want to change something …
Here the mass of all kinds can be problems.
There is not only one thing: where is the child,
if he is?
But he’s not here.
Because the divorce of spouses –
this is not a divorce of parents.
Parents have a child, in fact, should be two:
mom and dad.
Do you know why?
Because when two parents, the child is whole.
How best to slap puddles?
Holding on to two hands?
And what is the best way to watch TV?
In two eyes.
And even the number of teeth in our pair.
So why, when adults get divorced,
they somehow decide to take one of the parents from the child
and to appropriate this miracle only to yourself?
And the child begins to live in half.
Because there is no second me.
As one girl who was only five years old said,
came to me for a consultation and saw me only two seconds:
“And my mother said that my father should draw in black.”
The girl was lucky,
her dad actually walked in black.
He had black shoes, black socks,
Black coat, black gloves,
dark hair, and even had brown eyes.
Only here is the question.
How to hate your child,
to wish him a father in black?
What do we do, adults, when we start getting divorced?
Yes, it hurts, it hurts,
everything has collapsed in our country.
And here the question arises:
how do we start behaving?
Some parents start fiercely hating each other
and tell all sorts of intrigues,
that Dad went to another aunt,
my mother loved another uncle …
So the child did not see either that aunt or that uncle.
He remembers the pope who slapped him in the puddles,
let the ships,
watched with him funny cartoons,
tickled him to hiccups.
So the question is: who is bad here?
Dad?
Or that other aunt to whom he left?
And the child starts to take the blame on himself.
Once Dad went to another aunt,
then the aunt is better than me,
she probably lets the ships go,
and, probably, laughs more cheerfully when her father tickles her …
And the child starts to think that something is wrong with him.
Because one half of it is gone somewhere.
Other parents begin to tell all sorts of tales,
that the pope does not come to his senses.
And at the same time they begin to hide the child from this pope.
At my grandmother, somewhere in the country.
And they say:
“Look, what your dad is bad, he completely forgot about you.
I forgot to bring you a bunch of bananas. “
I’ve always wondered why parents are so wrapped in bananas.
And the child begins to understand,
that he is no longer Papa’s baby,
because dad does not.
And since there is no dad,
bananas are no longer so sweet.
And some parents are such storytellers,
begin to tell a terrible story about the suffering of the mother:
“And watch as the mother suffers, because your father has erupted!”
Or maybe “mother is a hysterical woman.”
And the child, he is also an actor.
But he is still afraid of losing his second parent.
He had already lost the first one.
And he begins to play by the rules of the half that remained.
And he will copy the whole behavior of mom or dad.
And in their appearance
also hate your soul mate,
but to suffer inwardly, just to suffer,
because the real feeling does not interest anyone nearby.
But the most cheerful parents –
divorce, parents in divorce.
They do everything very quickly.
Quickly find the second half
and make the child call her / him right there by mom or dad.
And as one girl said:
“When we lived with Tanya’s mother,
there was this,
but when they began to live with his mother Lena … “
Lovely parents,
do you want your child to always live in an exchange fund?
If you do not like this toy,
It is necessary to change it for another, for the third, for the fourth …
And then we think:
but why do not we value something?
So you taught them yourself.
You know, children are smarter than all of us.
And you were once too smart.
Children know how to bring the parents together.
Do you know what they came up with?
They begin to ache.
Because when they get sick,
mom and dad side by side.
They sit on his bed,
they look at him with a gentle look.
And most importantly, they do not quarrel at this moment.
They just admire
and wait until he recovers.
And children can be very sick for a long time,
so that just the parents were close.
And the diseases will be quite real.
And the most common disease of children,
whose parents are divorced, is an enuresis.
Yes, it happens at night,
when all fears sleep together with the child in one bed.
Psychologists call this disease “Cry a child from below.”
Because during the day he can not show his mother,
that he, too, cries for his dad.
And he can not show his dad,
that he very much waits for him when he does not come.
And some children just become a heifer.
It’s just some terrible monsters,
who begin to do all sorts of tricks.
And then everyone says: “Look!
This, probably, Dad’s breed has played!
He definitely had such fits! “
No.
This child just spits out the whole negative.
And on whom to spill it?
On the one who is near.
Therefore, we get hysterics, aggression,
broken toys, broken computers.
And some children are just gray mice,
small such, pretty.
They are so popular with adults –
children-gray mice, –
because they are comfortable.
They do not ask anything.
They sit quietly, play.
Be afraid of quiet children!
The worst thing that can happen is when your child has become quiet.
Question: what does he think?
And some children just go into the fantasy world.
In the modern world, this is easy.
Took a gizmo,
put in front of your eyes and play a virtual game.
And then when he hits 15
and he already does not hear anybody and does not see,
mutual accusations begin:
“It’s you who brought him up badly!
Therefore, your child grew up so not listening! “
Well, it’s already late.
As the boy said 15 years old, who was in my consultation,
to my question: “What are you in the courtroom did not say that you are satisfied with everything?
You already have 10 years? “
He said: “I’m already tired.
They divide me from 8 years.
But everything suits me.
And the new mother’s husband,
and the fact that Papa comes to me on weekends,
but they do not hear me.
Therefore, I was simply silent in the courtroom. “
So what do you do if you can not get divorced?
Explain first of all to the child:
where he can see his father,
how to play with it,
how to receive gifts from him,
where he will celebrate his birthday.
Only not as some do:
even birthday of my mother, odd from my father.
New year is at the mum, odd at the pope.
One month in the summer with my mother, one with my dad.
Think carefully.
You did this child after a big love
or how?
Tell the child where he can see his grandmothers, grandfathers,
that tell friends, classmates,
how to answer questions from neighbors,
what happened to my mother or why dad does not come,
who will attend parental meetings.
Explain everything.
No need to go into details.
Just love in your child his soul mate.
You once loved this soul mate?
Thank you.
(Applause)
”
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