hi my name is Eddie little Eddie what’s the rest of my name
the rest of my name
the rest of my name they’re dating boy and they know it oh
they’re dating boy and they know it oh
they’re dating boy and they know it oh yeah what up
hi your question is bigger
hi your question is bigger okay so I stopped it
okay so I stopped it
okay so I stopped it you
this is my house
this is my house this is 851 1/3 1/2 sorry my parents is
this is 851 1/3 1/2 sorry my parents is
this is 851 1/3 1/2 sorry my parents is a 51 and this is my small apartment /
a 51 and this is my small apartment /
a 51 and this is my small apartment / bedroom this is also where I’ve lived
bedroom this is also where I’ve lived
bedroom this is also where I’ve lived for like the past 12 years now which is
for like the past 12 years now which is
for like the past 12 years now which is kind of a big part of who I am I spent a
kind of a big part of who I am I spent a
kind of a big part of who I am I spent a lot of time swimming in that pool
lot of time swimming in that pool
lot of time swimming in that pool playing all sorts of games and kind of
playing all sorts of games and kind of
playing all sorts of games and kind of one of the funniest things is one year I
one of the funniest things is one year I
one of the funniest things is one year I just got so girly that my friend was
just got so girly that my friend was
just got so girly that my friend was like it’s really weird when you swim
like it’s really weird when you swim
like it’s really weird when you swim without a top ha so even before coming
without a top ha so even before coming
without a top ha so even before coming out as trans I wasn’t allowed from
out as trans I wasn’t allowed from
out as trans I wasn’t allowed from topless
hi and I was four or five I realized
hi and I was four or five I realized that I wasn’t a girl yeah it was
that I wasn’t a girl yeah it was
that I wasn’t a girl yeah it was supposed to be the US gonna become a
supposed to be the US gonna become a
supposed to be the US gonna become a father and not a mother and so that’s
father and not a mother and so that’s
father and not a mother and so that’s kind of where things sort of started
kind of where things sort of started
kind of where things sort of started Eddie’s talking about a video Cinderella
Eddie’s talking about a video Cinderella
Eddie’s talking about a video Cinderella Castle on the scene where the
Castle on the scene where the
Castle on the scene where the stepmothers tear off the dress that
stepmothers tear off the dress that
stepmothers tear off the dress that Cinderella has is wearing thank God you
Cinderella has is wearing thank God you
Cinderella has is wearing thank God you know I kept going Bob you’re not going
know I kept going Bob you’re not going
know I kept going Bob you’re not going to the ball for the longest time I kind
to the ball for the longest time I kind
to the ball for the longest time I kind of have this fantasy that I’d escaped to
of have this fantasy that I’d escaped to
of have this fantasy that I’d escaped to that like a fairy godmother would common
that like a fairy godmother would common
that like a fairy godmother would common you know turn me into a girl and make
you know turn me into a girl and make
you know turn me into a girl and make everything better it was kind of such an
everything better it was kind of such an
everything better it was kind of such an escape for me she came to me one time
escape for me she came to me one time
escape for me she came to me one time and she’s probably got four years old
and she’s probably got four years old
and she’s probably got four years old crying and saying that daddy I want to
crying and saying that daddy I want to
crying and saying that daddy I want to be a girl and at the time I just thought
be a girl and at the time I just thought
be a girl and at the time I just thought she was going through some kind of a
she was going through some kind of a
she was going through some kind of a phase thanks it was ten years old said
phase thanks it was ten years old said
phase thanks it was ten years old said something about I feel like I’m like a
something about I feel like I’m like a
something about I feel like I’m like a two feet person inside of me being one
two feet person inside of me being one
two feet person inside of me being one like a boy Eddie and then the other is a
like a boy Eddie and then the other is a
like a boy Eddie and then the other is a girl when I was explained to myself that
girl when I was explained to myself that
girl when I was explained to myself that I was a boy it was because God had made
I was a boy it was because God had made
I was a boy it was because God had made me that way which didn’t make a really
me that way which didn’t make a really
me that way which didn’t make a really great relationship as a five-year-old
great relationship as a five-year-old
great relationship as a five-year-old between me and God along with the Mormon
between me and God along with the Mormon
between me and God along with the Mormon culture and how it can be really really
culture and how it can be really really
culture and how it can be really really difficult to understand something when
difficult to understand something when
difficult to understand something when it’s either not a prevalent or or it’s
it’s either not a prevalent or or it’s
it’s either not a prevalent or or it’s just hidden then when she got to be
just hidden then when she got to be
just hidden then when she got to be about 16 she had a girlfriend so he had
about 16 she had a girlfriend so he had
about 16 she had a girlfriend so he had a girlfriend
a girlfriend
a girlfriend and things seemed like they were getting
and things seemed like they were getting
and things seemed like they were getting better she was less effeminate in the
better she was less effeminate in the
better she was less effeminate in the way she did things and I thought okay it
way she did things and I thought okay it
way she did things and I thought okay it was just a phase everything’s fine in
was just a phase everything’s fine in
was just a phase everything’s fine in our church in the LDS Church she was
our church in the LDS Church she was
our church in the LDS Church she was ordained to the priesthood and was the
ordained to the priesthood and was the
ordained to the priesthood and was the first assistant to the bishop and so she
first assistant to the bishop and so she
first assistant to the bishop and so she was you know very involved and so I came
was you know very involved and so I came
was you know very involved and so I came home one day because she hadn’t shown up
home one day because she hadn’t shown up
home one day because she hadn’t shown up at church and she was still in bed and I
at church and she was still in bed and I
at church and she was still in bed and I came in and I said hey what’s the deal
came in and I said hey what’s the deal
came in and I said hey what’s the deal and she started crying and she said she
and she started crying and she said she
and she started crying and she said she said dad let’s face it I’m gay I came
said dad let’s face it I’m gay I came
said dad let’s face it I’m gay I came out as gay but that was sort of my
out as gay but that was sort of my
out as gay but that was sort of my excuse to be myself which was a woman so
excuse to be myself which was a woman so
excuse to be myself which was a woman so I wore women’s clothing but I told
I wore women’s clothing but I told
I wore women’s clothing but I told everybody those gay and you know I had
everybody those gay and you know I had
everybody those gay and you know I had feminine features I’m even though I was
feminine features I’m even though I was
feminine features I’m even though I was a boy and a lot of people would think
a boy and a lot of people would think
a boy and a lot of people would think that I was a girl and they would stop me
that I was a girl and they would stop me
that I was a girl and they would stop me from going into the bathrooms and I was
from going into the bathrooms and I was
from going into the bathrooms and I was just I was you know loud and proud of
just I was you know loud and proud of
just I was you know loud and proud of being gay and not being very good at
being gay and not being very good at
being gay and not being very good at being gay on top of being really
being gay on top of being really
being gay on top of being really conservative LDS we also went to a
conservative LDS we also went to a
conservative LDS we also went to a Mormon private school my sister and I
Mormon private school my sister and I
Mormon private school my sister and I both so being LDS was our life it’s one
both so being LDS was our life it’s one
both so being LDS was our life it’s one of the reasons that you know I didn’t
of the reasons that you know I didn’t
of the reasons that you know I didn’t find out about what being trans was
find out about what being trans was
find out about what being trans was until I was an adult and out of high
until I was an adult and out of high
until I was an adult and out of high school a lot of people they think you
school a lot of people they think you
school a lot of people they think you didn’t know what gay people were until
didn’t know what gay people were until
didn’t know what gay people were until you were 14 or 15 years old like where
you were 14 or 15 years old like where
you were 14 or 15 years old like where have you lived while I was living in
have you lived while I was living in
have you lived while I was living in Utah
Utah
Utah in a Mormon you know saturated Mormon
in a Mormon you know saturated Mormon
in a Mormon you know saturated Mormon community and homeschooled or going to a
community and homeschooled or going to a
community and homeschooled or going to a Mormon private school so so you know
Mormon private school so so you know
Mormon private school so so you know there was not an opportunity to learn
there was not an opportunity to learn
there was not an opportunity to learn about you know the things that were
about you know the things that were
about you know the things that were different or inappropriate
even before I came out I always spent
even before I came out I always spent tons of time getting ready
my sister was who’s much more just sort
my sister was who’s much more just sort of relaxed and in herself wouldn’t take
of relaxed and in herself wouldn’t take
of relaxed and in herself wouldn’t take as much time getting ready and my dad
as much time getting ready and my dad
as much time getting ready and my dad had this like this joke that he would
had this like this joke that he would
had this like this joke that he would tell Eddie spends all this time getting
tell Eddie spends all this time getting
tell Eddie spends all this time getting ready because surely he’s so beautiful
ready because surely he’s so beautiful
ready because surely he’s so beautiful and if normally you know you say that
and if normally you know you say that
and if normally you know you say that with a brother and sister involved and
with a brother and sister involved and
with a brother and sister involved and it’s not a big deal but to me I was a
it’s not a big deal but to me I was a
it’s not a big deal but to me I was a boy but I didn’t really feel like a boy
boy but I didn’t really feel like a boy
boy but I didn’t really feel like a boy and to hear my dad say that like I
and to hear my dad say that like I
and to hear my dad say that like I wasn’t as beautiful as my sister was I
wasn’t as beautiful as my sister was I
wasn’t as beautiful as my sister was I was it really hard and I didn’t have any
was it really hard and I didn’t have any
was it really hard and I didn’t have any confidence in my appearance growing up
confidence in my appearance growing up
confidence in my appearance growing up and and seeing my sister get asked out
and and seeing my sister get asked out
and and seeing my sister get asked out on dates and into the dance to a
on dates and into the dance to a
on dates and into the dance to a fifteen-year-old that’s important and
fifteen-year-old that’s important and
fifteen-year-old that’s important and like that was really hard and I was like
like that was really hard and I was like
like that was really hard and I was like of course I’m I’m this ugly boy and my
of course I’m I’m this ugly boy and my
of course I’m I’m this ugly boy and my sister’s a beautiful girl that was
sister’s a beautiful girl that was
sister’s a beautiful girl that was really a really difficult thing for me
really a really difficult thing for me
really a really difficult thing for me to deal with
you know being in a Mormon private
you know being in a Mormon private school I didn’t graduate I just stopped
school I didn’t graduate I just stopped
school I didn’t graduate I just stopped going when I came out we sent Eddie to
going when I came out we sent Eddie to
going when I came out we sent Eddie to Japan to stay with his his grandparents
Japan to stay with his his grandparents
Japan to stay with his his grandparents for about six months I was watching TV
for about six months I was watching TV
for about six months I was watching TV with my grandparents and they have this
with my grandparents and they have this
with my grandparents and they have this panel of 100 trans people my grandma
panel of 100 trans people my grandma
panel of 100 trans people my grandma turned to me I was like oh this is all
turned to me I was like oh this is all
turned to me I was like oh this is all about you and I thought no grandma this
about you and I thought no grandma this
about you and I thought no grandma this is not I’m different than that and then
is not I’m different than that and then
is not I’m different than that and then all the Sun that really hit her and
all the Sun that really hit her and
all the Sun that really hit her and started to watch what’s going on is you
started to watch what’s going on is you
started to watch what’s going on is you really realizes that that’s what she has
really realizes that that’s what she has
really realizes that that’s what she has it was a month later that she came in to
it was a month later that she came in to
it was a month later that she came in to me and she said dad I want you to know I
me and she said dad I want you to know I
me and she said dad I want you to know I I’m not really gay I’m I’m a you know
I’m not really gay I’m I’m a you know
I’m not really gay I’m I’m a you know I’m a a woman that’s trapped in a man’s
I’m a a woman that’s trapped in a man’s
I’m a a woman that’s trapped in a man’s body and that’s why I thought I was gay
body and that’s why I thought I was gay
body and that’s why I thought I was gay and then she immediately said but don’t
and then she immediately said but don’t
and then she immediately said but don’t worry I’m not gonna I’m not gonna get a
worry I’m not gonna I’m not gonna get a
worry I’m not gonna I’m not gonna get a sex change operation or anything because
sex change operation or anything because
sex change operation or anything because I think she was worried about me one
I think she was worried about me one
I think she was worried about me one event that was a real turning point was
event that was a real turning point was
event that was a real turning point was one night I was sitting on the on the
one night I was sitting on the on the
one night I was sitting on the on the couch and Eddie came walking in and she
couch and Eddie came walking in and she
couch and Eddie came walking in and she said and she sat down on the couch and
said and she sat down on the couch and
said and she sat down on the couch and she had but you know a really strange
she had but you know a really strange
she had but you know a really strange look on her face I had this dream that
look on her face I had this dream that
look on her face I had this dream that and it was a reoccurring dream that I’d
and it was a reoccurring dream that I’d
and it was a reoccurring dream that I’d you know I chopped off my penis and you
you know I chopped off my penis and you
you know I chopped off my penis and you know I was in a really dark spot of
know I was in a really dark spot of
know I was in a really dark spot of space and not necessarily logical and
space and not necessarily logical and
space and not necessarily logical and her plan was to perform the operation on
her plan was to perform the operation on
her plan was to perform the operation on herself and we live just across the
herself and we live just across the
herself and we live just across the street from a hospital and she said that
street from a hospital and she said that
street from a hospital and she said that she said I knew you could get me to the
she said I knew you could get me to the
she said I knew you could get me to the hospital before I died and then I
hospital before I died and then I
hospital before I died and then I wouldn’t have this thing anymore
wouldn’t have this thing anymore
wouldn’t have this thing anymore that I hate and she said I started to do
that I hate and she said I started to do
that I hate and she said I started to do the operation then I realized that I had
the operation then I realized that I had
the operation then I realized that I had a serious problem I think they took it
a serious problem I think they took it
a serious problem I think they took it more seriously realized they need to
more seriously realized they need to
more seriously realized they need to take some more cherry steps and we got
take some more cherry steps and we got
take some more cherry steps and we got me to counseling and after being
me to counseling and after being
me to counseling and after being diagnosed I was unable to you know start
diagnosed I was unable to you know start
diagnosed I was unable to you know start taking hormones change my name and all
taking hormones change my name and all
taking hormones change my name and all those things and work towards surgery
it’s there they’re not so funny you know
it’s there they’re not so funny you know cancer is not imaginary like stalking
cancer is not imaginary like stalking
cancer is not imaginary like stalking out the paramotor to my god they’re so
out the paramotor to my god they’re so
out the paramotor to my god they’re so stare like a boring nice on a physicist
stare like a boring nice on a physicist
stare like a boring nice on a physicist Oh colonies Christina better go ahead we
Oh colonies Christina better go ahead we
Oh colonies Christina better go ahead we believe that the church leaders are
believe that the church leaders are
believe that the church leaders are receiving revelation that helps them to
receiving revelation that helps them to
receiving revelation that helps them to be able to better serve in the end the
be able to better serve in the end the
be able to better serve in the end the callings that were given in the
callings that were given in the
callings that were given in the priesthood we have the proclamation of
priesthood we have the proclamation of
priesthood we have the proclamation of the world on the family which states
the world on the family which states
the world on the family which states very clearly that a marriage is between
very clearly that a marriage is between
very clearly that a marriage is between a man and a woman in my opinion and he’s
a man and a woman in my opinion and he’s
a man and a woman in my opinion and he’s a woman and so I don’t see a problem
a woman and so I don’t see a problem
a woman and so I don’t see a problem with that and I’m hoping that the
with that and I’m hoping that the
with that and I’m hoping that the leaders of the church are gonna see it
leaders of the church are gonna see it
leaders of the church are gonna see it that way and that she’ll be able to get
that way and that she’ll be able to get
that way and that she’ll be able to get married
married
married and she won’t be able to have children
and she won’t be able to have children
and she won’t be able to have children she can hopefully adopt children I’m
she can hopefully adopt children I’m
she can hopefully adopt children I’m willing to do all these things but even
willing to do all these things but even
willing to do all these things but even if I were to do all them there are
if I were to do all them there are
if I were to do all them there are specific limitations whether it be
specific limitations whether it be
specific limitations whether it be biological or you know the church
biological or you know the church
biological or you know the church principle that say that a trans person
principle that say that a trans person
principle that say that a trans person even after SRS can’t go to the temple
even after SRS can’t go to the temple
even after SRS can’t go to the temple which means can our temple marriage can
which means can our temple marriage can
which means can our temple marriage can have kids it’s like why try if you’re
have kids it’s like why try if you’re
have kids it’s like why try if you’re going to fail she hasn’t been coming to
going to fail she hasn’t been coming to
going to fail she hasn’t been coming to church with us for quite a while I think
church with us for quite a while I think
church with us for quite a while I think it’s difficult for her to come there
it’s difficult for her to come there
it’s difficult for her to come there because she does feel like she’s judged
because she does feel like she’s judged
because she does feel like she’s judged sometimes from people she has a strong
sometimes from people she has a strong
sometimes from people she has a strong belief in a strong faith and and I just
belief in a strong faith and and I just
belief in a strong faith and and I just want the obstacle removed that keeps her
want the obstacle removed that keeps her
want the obstacle removed that keeps her from being able to you know live live
from being able to you know live live
from being able to you know live live the faith that that she’s always
the faith that that she’s always
the faith that that she’s always believed in her whole life and some
believed in her whole life and some
believed in her whole life and some parts of the religion still filtered
parts of the religion still filtered
parts of the religion still filtered through and are part of of me and Who I
through and are part of of me and Who I
through and are part of of me and Who I am today
am today
am today but a lot of that kind of got filtered
but a lot of that kind of got filtered
but a lot of that kind of got filtered out and
out and
out and I should go back and sort of see if if
I should go back and sort of see if if
I should go back and sort of see if if those are parts that I want to
those are parts that I want to
those are parts that I want to reincorporate in this person that I am
reincorporate in this person that I am
reincorporate in this person that I am now but at the same time I’m really busy
now but at the same time I’m really busy
now but at the same time I’m really busy with transitioning
I think maybe being so unhappy in my
I think maybe being so unhappy in my body for the longest time helps me
body for the longest time helps me
body for the longest time helps me really separate what are physical things
really separate what are physical things
really separate what are physical things and what are my spiritual components
I don’t think that I succumbed to my
I don’t think that I succumbed to my body I think I succumbed to my spirit
body I think I succumbed to my spirit
body I think I succumbed to my spirit and what it needed
it was just like letting go and letting
it was just like letting go and letting the picture come into focus by itself
the picture come into focus by itself
the picture come into focus by itself without me trying to force it to be
without me trying to force it to be
without me trying to force it to be something that’s not when it comes down
something that’s not when it comes down
something that’s not when it comes down to it the only thing that I can believe
to it the only thing that I can believe
to it the only thing that I can believe in is the relationship between me and
in is the relationship between me and
in is the relationship between me and God and if if something happens and I
God and if if something happens and I
God and if if something happens and I was wrong then that’s okay because at
was wrong then that’s okay because at
was wrong then that’s okay because at least I made that decision myself if we
least I made that decision myself if we
least I made that decision myself if we were to all die and be resurrected
were to all die and be resurrected
were to all die and be resurrected tomorrow and this young man comes up to
tomorrow and this young man comes up to
tomorrow and this young man comes up to me and says dad look I got resurrected
me and says dad look I got resurrected
me and says dad look I got resurrected as a man but I’m okay with that I don’t
as a man but I’m okay with that I don’t
as a man but I’m okay with that I don’t know that I would be okay with that
know that I would be okay with that
know that I would be okay with that because I would say where’s my daughter
because I would say where’s my daughter
because I would say where’s my daughter and and who’s this young man that that
and and who’s this young man that that
and and who’s this young man that that that I don’t know I’m hoping that this
that I don’t know I’m hoping that this
that I don’t know I’m hoping that this this documentary that you’re shooting
this documentary that you’re shooting
this documentary that you’re shooting will be watched by some parents
and then maybe something that we’ve said
and then maybe something that we’ve said will help them and through helping them
will help them and through helping them
will help them and through helping them will help their children
”
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