I had so many dreams of where I wanted to go who I wanted to be and what I
to go who I wanted to be and what I
to go who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do theatre companies I wanted
wanted to do theatre companies I wanted
wanted to do theatre companies I wanted to start with classmates movies I wanted
to start with classmates movies I wanted
to start with classmates movies I wanted to be in directors I wanted to work with
to be in directors I wanted to work with
to be in directors I wanted to work with stories i readed to tell it might take a
stories i readed to tell it might take a
stories i readed to tell it might take a little time I thought but it would
little time I thought but it would
little time I thought but it would happen when i sat there excuse me
happen when i sat there excuse me
happen when i sat there excuse me 22 years ago what I didn’t want to think
22 years ago what I didn’t want to think
22 years ago what I didn’t want to think about is where I would be tomorrow what
about is where I would be tomorrow what
about is where I would be tomorrow what I would have to start to do tomorrow and
I would have to start to do tomorrow and
I would have to start to do tomorrow and I graduated in 1991 a great year a time
I graduated in 1991 a great year a time
I graduated in 1991 a great year a time of resurgence for independent films in
of resurgence for independent films in
of resurgence for independent films in this country a time of relatively
this country a time of relatively
this country a time of relatively affordable rent in New York video I see
affordable rent in New York video I see
affordable rent in New York video I see I assumed that I could make a living
I assumed that I could make a living
I assumed that I could make a living writing my plays acting way off off off
writing my plays acting way off off off
writing my plays acting way off off off Broadway and hopefully well one day join
Broadway and hopefully well one day join
Broadway and hopefully well one day join the actors I loved and respected in
the actors I loved and respected in
the actors I loved and respected in those independent films TV oh what no
those independent films TV oh what no
those independent films TV oh what no what you kidding me no didn’t even
what you kidding me no didn’t even
what you kidding me no didn’t even consider that I had much more class than
consider that I had much more class than
consider that I had much more class than that much more self-respect than that
that much more self-respect than that
that much more self-respect than that what I didn’t have was cash a bank
what I didn’t have was cash a bank
what I didn’t have was cash a bank account
account
account a credit card or an apartment I pax a
a credit card or an apartment I pax a
a credit card or an apartment I pax a life that I knew with socks and a
life that I knew with socks and a
life that I knew with socks and a toothbrush into my backpack and I slept
toothbrush into my backpack and I slept
toothbrush into my backpack and I slept on couch after couch after couch after
on couch after couch after couch after
on couch after couch after couch after couch at friends apartments in New York
couch at friends apartments in New York
couch at friends apartments in New York until I wore out their rent paying
until I wore out their rent paying
until I wore out their rent paying roommates welcome I didn’t want a day
roommates welcome I didn’t want a day
roommates welcome I didn’t want a day job I was an actor I was a writer I was
job I was an actor I was a writer I was
job I was an actor I was a writer I was at Bennington graduate I had to get a
at Bennington graduate I had to get a
at Bennington graduate I had to get a day job I dusted pianos at a piano store
day job I dusted pianos at a piano store
day job I dusted pianos at a piano store on Ludlow Street for five months I
on Ludlow Street for five months I
on Ludlow Street for five months I worked on the property of a Shakespeare
worked on the property of a Shakespeare
worked on the property of a Shakespeare scholar for a year pulling weeds and
scholar for a year pulling weeds and
scholar for a year pulling weeds and removing business I went on unemployment
removing business I went on unemployment
removing business I went on unemployment once but for not for long I couldn’t
once but for not for long I couldn’t
once but for not for long I couldn’t handle the guilt eventually I was able
handle the guilt eventually I was able
handle the guilt eventually I was able to pay rent for a spot on the floor of
to pay rent for a spot on the floor of
to pay rent for a spot on the floor of an apartment on the Lower East Side but
an apartment on the Lower East Side but
an apartment on the Lower East Side but my roommate had a breakdown and
my roommate had a breakdown and
my roommate had a breakdown and disappeared he later resurfaced in a
disappeared he later resurfaced in a
disappeared he later resurfaced in a religious cult
religious cult
religious cult I helped hang paintings at galleries
I helped hang paintings at galleries
I helped hang paintings at galleries paintings that inspired inspire you to
paintings that inspired inspire you to
paintings that inspired inspire you to think I could do that and then finally
think I could do that and then finally
think I could do that and then finally after two years of job and couchsurfing
after two years of job and couchsurfing
after two years of job and couchsurfing I got a job
an application processing as a data
an application processing as a data enter er at a place called professional
enter er at a place called professional
enter er at a place called professional examination services and I stayed for
examination services and I stayed for
examination services and I stayed for six years six years longer than my time
six years six years longer than my time
six years six years longer than my time at Bennington from the age of 23 to 29
at Bennington from the age of 23 to 29
at Bennington from the age of 23 to 29 while they loved me there I was funny I
while they loved me there I was funny I
while they loved me there I was funny I wore black no cape no tights I smoked in
wore black no cape no tights I smoked in
wore black no cape no tights I smoked in the loading docks with the guys from the
the loading docks with the guys from the
the loading docks with the guys from the mailroom and we shared how hungover we
mailroom and we shared how hungover we
mailroom and we shared how hungover we all were
all were
all were I called him thick almost every Friday
I called him thick almost every Friday
I called him thick almost every Friday because I was out late the night before
because I was out late the night before
because I was out late the night before I hated that job and I clung to that job
I hated that job and I clung to that job
I hated that job and I clung to that job [Music]
[Music]
[Music] because of that job I could afford my
because of that job I could afford my
because of that job I could afford my own place so I lived in Williamsburg
own place so I lived in Williamsburg
own place so I lived in Williamsburg Brooklyn my rent was $400 a month my
Brooklyn my rent was $400 a month my
Brooklyn my rent was $400 a month my dream of running a theater company with
dream of running a theater company with
dream of running a theater company with my friend and fellow Bennington graduate
my friend and fellow Bennington graduate
my friend and fellow Bennington graduate Ian Bell had died I won’t go into those
Ian Bell had died I won’t go into those
Ian Bell had died I won’t go into those details but neither one of us had any
details but neither one of us had any
details but neither one of us had any business sense and the theater we lived
business sense and the theater we lived
business sense and the theater we lived in it had no heat or hot water so Ian
in it had no heat or hot water so Ian
in it had no heat or hot water so Ian moved out to Seattle and I moved up to
moved out to Seattle and I moved up to
moved out to Seattle and I moved up to the street to my loft and I still didn’t
the street to my loft and I still didn’t
the street to my loft and I still didn’t have heat in 1993 industrial loft meant
have heat in 1993 industrial loft meant
have heat in 1993 industrial loft meant not legal to live there so I had no heat
not legal to live there so I had no heat
not legal to live there so I had no heat no acting agent but I had a cat named
no acting agent but I had a cat named
no acting agent but I had a cat named Brian who told me of the world outside
Brian who told me of the world outside
Brian who told me of the world outside this is a happy ending
this is a happy ending
this is a happy ending [Music]
when I was 29 I told myself the next
when I was 29 I told myself the next acting job I get no matter what it pays
acting job I get no matter what it pays
acting job I get no matter what it pays I will from now on for better or worse
I will from now on for better or worse
I will from now on for better or worse be a working actor so I quit my position
be a working actor so I quit my position
be a working actor so I quit my position at the professional examination services
at the professional examination services
at the professional examination services my friends really weren’t happy about
my friends really weren’t happy about
my friends really weren’t happy about that because he was so easy to find me
that because he was so easy to find me
that because he was so easy to find me when I worked there work there was the
when I worked there work there was the
when I worked there work there was the only place I had the Internet this was
only place I had the Internet this was
only place I had the Internet this was at the beginning of the Internet and now
at the beginning of the Internet and now
at the beginning of the Internet and now I didn’t have either the internet for a
I didn’t have either the internet for a
I didn’t have either the internet for a cellphone for a job but something good
cellphone for a job but something good
cellphone for a job but something good happened
happened
happened I got a low-paying theater job in a play
I got a low-paying theater job in a play
I got a low-paying theater job in a play called imperfect love which led to a
called imperfect love which led to a
called imperfect love which led to a film called 13 moons with the same
film called 13 moons with the same
film called 13 moons with the same writer which led to other roles just
writer which led to other roles just
writer which led to other roles just like the other roles and I’ve worked as
like the other roles and I’ve worked as
like the other roles and I’ve worked as an actor ever since I didn’t know that
an actor ever since I didn’t know that
an actor ever since I didn’t know that would happen at 29 walking away from the
would happen at 29 walking away from the
would happen at 29 walking away from the data processing I was terrified
data processing I was terrified
data processing I was terrified ten years in a place without heat six
ten years in a place without heat six
ten years in a place without heat six years at a job I felt stuck in maybe I
years at a job I felt stuck in maybe I
years at a job I felt stuck in maybe I was afraid of change are you my parents
was afraid of change are you my parents
was afraid of change are you my parents didn’t have much money but they
didn’t have much money but they
didn’t have much money but they struggled to send me to the best school
struggled to send me to the best school
struggled to send me to the best school and one of the most important things
and one of the most important things
and one of the most important things they did for me and graduates maybe you
they did for me and graduates maybe you
they did for me and graduates maybe you don’t want to hear this is that once I
don’t want to hear this is that once I
don’t want to hear this is that once I graduated I was on my own
graduated I was on my own
graduated I was on my own financially it was my turn but this made
financially it was my turn but this made
financially it was my turn but this made me very hungry literally I couldn’t be
me very hungry literally I couldn’t be
me very hungry literally I couldn’t be lazy
lazy
lazy I couldn’t be and so at 29 in a very
I couldn’t be and so at 29 in a very
I couldn’t be and so at 29 in a very long last I was in the company of the
long last I was in the company of the
long last I was in the company of the actors and writers and directors
actors and writers and directors
actors and writers and directors I thought out that first year that first
I thought out that first year that first
I thought out that first year that first day after school I was I am either stuff
day after school I was I am either stuff
day after school I was I am either stuff [Music]
don’t search for defining moments
don’t search for defining moments because they will never come
because they will never come
because they will never come well the birth of your children okay to
well the birth of your children okay to
well the birth of your children okay to get it back but I just six months she’s
get it back but I just six months she’s
get it back but I just six months she’s my life is forever change and that’s
my life is forever change and that’s
my life is forever change and that’s most defining moment ever but I’m
most defining moment ever but I’m
most defining moment ever but I’m talking about on the rest of your life
talking about on the rest of your life
talking about on the rest of your life and most important in your work the
and most important in your work the
and most important in your work the moments that define you have already
moments that define you have already
moments that define you have already happened and they will already happen
happened and they will already happen
happened and they will already happen again in the passes so quickly
again in the passes so quickly
again in the passes so quickly so please bring each other along with
so please bring each other along with
so please bring each other along with you everyone you need is in this road
you everyone you need is in this road
you everyone you need is in this road [Music]
[Music]
[Music] these are the shiny more important a
these are the shiny more important a
these are the shiny more important a rhythm set then just like it did after
rhythm set then just like it did after
rhythm set then just like it did after your first few days here just try not to
your first few days here just try not to
your first few days here just try not to wait until like me you’re 29 before you
wait until like me you’re 29 before you
wait until like me you’re 29 before you find it and if you are that’s fine too
find it and if you are that’s fine too
find it and if you are that’s fine too some of us never find it but you will I
some of us never find it but you will I
some of us never find it but you will I promise you you are already here that’s
promise you you are already here that’s
promise you you are already here that’s such an enormous step all its own you’ll
such an enormous step all its own you’ll
such an enormous step all its own you’ll find your rhythm or continue the one you
find your rhythm or continue the one you
find your rhythm or continue the one you have already found I was walking
have already found I was walking
have already found I was walking downtown in Manhattan of the day and I
downtown in Manhattan of the day and I
downtown in Manhattan of the day and I was approached by a group of very sweet
was approached by a group of very sweet
was approached by a group of very sweet young lady they didn’t know what to say
young lady they didn’t know what to say
young lady they didn’t know what to say or couldn’t form the words but it came
or couldn’t form the words but it came
or couldn’t form the words but it came out that they were NYU freshmen and they
out that they were NYU freshmen and they
out that they were NYU freshmen and they were majoring in musical theater but
were majoring in musical theater but
were majoring in musical theater but chorus come on there are like science
chorus come on there are like science
chorus come on there are like science majors we were running after me
what musicals are you doing I inquired
what musicals are you doing I inquired well one of them said looking down at
well one of them said looking down at
well one of them said looking down at her shoes we aren’t allowed to be in
her shoes we aren’t allowed to be in
her shoes we aren’t allowed to be in plays or yet our freshman year now they
plays or yet our freshman year now they
plays or yet our freshman year now they were paying a very high tuition to not
were paying a very high tuition to not
were paying a very high tuition to not do what they love doing I think I said
do what they love doing I think I said
do what they love doing I think I said well hang in there what I should have
well hang in there what I should have
well hang in there what I should have said was don’t wait until they tell you
said was don’t wait until they tell you
said was don’t wait until they tell you you are ready get in there
you are ready get in there
you are ready get in there sing the world might say you are not
sing the world might say you are not
sing the world might say you are not allowed to yet I waited a long time out
allowed to yet I waited a long time out
allowed to yet I waited a long time out in the world before I gave myself
in the world before I gave myself
in the world before I gave myself permission to fail please don’t even
permission to fail please don’t even
permission to fail please don’t even bother asking don’t bother telling the
bother asking don’t bother telling the
bother asking don’t bother telling the world you are ready show it
world you are ready show it
world you are ready show it do it what did Beckett say ever tried
do it what did Beckett say ever tried
do it what did Beckett say ever tried ever failed no matter
ever failed no matter
ever failed no matter try again fail again fail better the
try again fail again fail better the
try again fail again fail better the world is yours
world is yours
world is yours treat everyone kindly and light up the
treat everyone kindly and light up the
treat everyone kindly and light up the night
”
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