I don’t care if you live or die I really don’t it’s a hell of a thing
I really don’t it’s a hell of a thing
I really don’t it’s a hell of a thing hearing it from someone you barely know
but imagine hearing that from someone
but imagine hearing that from someone you love On February 24 2012 I was
you love On February 24 2012 I was
you love On February 24 2012 I was diagnosed with late stage throat cancer
diagnosed with late stage throat cancer
diagnosed with late stage throat cancer that night I went home and sat at a
that night I went home and sat at a
that night I went home and sat at a table with my daughter and my wife
table with my daughter and my wife
table with my daughter and my wife trying to swallow the fear while telling
trying to swallow the fear while telling
trying to swallow the fear while telling them about the procedures ahead that’s
them about the procedures ahead that’s
them about the procedures ahead that’s when my daughter pushed her chair away
when my daughter pushed her chair away
when my daughter pushed her chair away from the table and said I don’t care if
from the table and said I don’t care if
from the table and said I don’t care if you live or die there was a lot of anger
you live or die there was a lot of anger
you live or die there was a lot of anger a lot of yelling through closed doors
a lot of yelling through closed doors
a lot of yelling through closed doors and that night as I tried to sleep it
and that night as I tried to sleep it
and that night as I tried to sleep it kept me awake and I kept thinking why
kept me awake and I kept thinking why
kept me awake and I kept thinking why can’t she see what I have given her what
can’t she see what I have given her what
can’t she see what I have given her what I have done for her you see I was a
I have done for her you see I was a
I have done for her you see I was a broadcast journalist at one time there’s
broadcast journalist at one time there’s
broadcast journalist at one time there’s a television news anchor with a big show
a television news anchor with a big show
a television news anchor with a big show I became a network reporter I became a
I became a network reporter I became a
I became a network reporter I became a foreign correspondent we traveled around
foreign correspondent we traveled around
foreign correspondent we traveled around the world we went from the cold prairie
the world we went from the cold prairie
the world we went from the cold prairie provinces to the warmth of Sydney
provinces to the warmth of Sydney
provinces to the warmth of Sydney Australia so I could cover Southeast
Australia so I could cover Southeast
Australia so I could cover Southeast Asia in the South Pacific and I couldn’t
Asia in the South Pacific and I couldn’t
Asia in the South Pacific and I couldn’t understand how she couldn’t see what I
understand how she couldn’t see what I
understand how she couldn’t see what I gave her but as I lay there in the
gave her but as I lay there in the
gave her but as I lay there in the arrogance of my beliefs I began to see
arrogance of my beliefs I began to see
arrogance of my beliefs I began to see the truth and the truth was I couldn’t
the truth and the truth was I couldn’t
the truth and the truth was I couldn’t remember the last time I had hugged her
remember the last time I had hugged her
remember the last time I had hugged her and made her feel safe the last time I
and made her feel safe the last time I
and made her feel safe the last time I had told her how proud I was of her or
had told her how proud I was of her or
had told her how proud I was of her or the last time I had said I love you and
the last time I had said I love you and
the last time I had said I love you and suddenly I realized that the cancer was
suddenly I realized that the cancer was
suddenly I realized that the cancer was a lot deeper than my throat
a lot deeper than my throat
a lot deeper than my throat a few days or a few weeks later I was in
a few days or a few weeks later I was in
a few days or a few weeks later I was in hospital to undergo what doctors call a
hospital to undergo what doctors call a
hospital to undergo what doctors call a radical neck dissection they took a
radical neck dissection they took a
radical neck dissection they took a scalpel and cut me from the back of the
scalpel and cut me from the back of the
scalpel and cut me from the back of the right ear all the way down to below my
right ear all the way down to below my
right ear all the way down to below my Adam’s apple 12 inches long they had to
Adam’s apple 12 inches long they had to
Adam’s apple 12 inches long they had to take out a golf ball sized tumor and as
take out a golf ball sized tumor and as
take out a golf ball sized tumor and as I lay in recovery prank to a cot that I
I lay in recovery prank to a cot that I
I lay in recovery prank to a cot that I did not believe in please be gone
did not believe in please be gone
did not believe in please be gone the surgeon came in and told me that it
the surgeon came in and told me that it
the surgeon came in and told me that it wasn’t and that I had to undergo a lot
wasn’t and that I had to undergo a lot
wasn’t and that I had to undergo a lot of weeks of chemotherapy and radiation
of weeks of chemotherapy and radiation
of weeks of chemotherapy and radiation so in this time that I knew I needed to
so in this time that I knew I needed to
so in this time that I knew I needed to be close to people because I was more
be close to people because I was more
be close to people because I was more scared than ever I decided to go to
scared than ever I decided to go to
scared than ever I decided to go to chemotherapy and radiation alone and
chemotherapy and radiation alone and
chemotherapy and radiation alone and deny my daughter and my wife the chance
deny my daughter and my wife the chance
deny my daughter and my wife the chance to hear me say I am so scared please
to hear me say I am so scared please
to hear me say I am so scared please come with me I was dying to be close but
come with me I was dying to be close but
come with me I was dying to be close but pushing them away and dying anyways I’d
pushing them away and dying anyways I’d
pushing them away and dying anyways I’d go to radiation each day and I couldn’t
go to radiation each day and I couldn’t
go to radiation each day and I couldn’t come home just to face the four walls
come home just to face the four walls
come home just to face the four walls closing in around me so I started to go
closing in around me so I started to go
closing in around me so I started to go to downtown area so I could get lost in
to downtown area so I could get lost in
to downtown area so I could get lost in the sea of humanity and hope that that
the sea of humanity and hope that that
the sea of humanity and hope that that distraction would take me away from the
distraction would take me away from the
distraction would take me away from the rampant thoughts inside of my head that
rampant thoughts inside of my head that
rampant thoughts inside of my head that my demise was just around the corner it
my demise was just around the corner it
my demise was just around the corner it is said when you are ready to learn that
is said when you are ready to learn that
is said when you are ready to learn that the teacher will appear but I did not
the teacher will appear but I did not
the teacher will appear but I did not know that that teacher was going to be a
know that that teacher was going to be a
know that that teacher was going to be a homeless bum remember the first day I
homeless bum remember the first day I
homeless bum remember the first day I saw him there he was scruffy sitting on
saw him there he was scruffy sitting on
saw him there he was scruffy sitting on a piece of cardboard on a busy
a piece of cardboard on a busy
a piece of cardboard on a busy intersection corner with his little dog
intersection corner with his little dog
intersection corner with his little dog sitting by him and a big sign that said
sitting by him and a big sign that said
sitting by him and a big sign that said help and when I first saw him the first
help and when I first saw him the first
help and when I first saw him the first thing I thought was how dare you you
thing I thought was how dare you you
thing I thought was how dare you you should be up with a job how dare you
should be up with a job how dare you
should be up with a job how dare you you’re not more of a victim than me look
you’re not more of a victim than me look
you’re not more of a victim than me look at me I’ve got cancer I could die I’ve
at me I’ve got cancer I could die I’ve
at me I’ve got cancer I could die I’ve been with little kids in chemo they’re
been with little kids in chemo they’re
been with little kids in chemo they’re victims not you over the next few days I
victims not you over the next few days I
victims not you over the next few days I observed him as I would walk back and
observed him as I would walk back and
observed him as I would walk back and forth trying to get lost and I never saw
forth trying to get lost and I never saw
forth trying to get lost and I never saw him reach out and actually overtly beg
him reach out and actually overtly beg
him reach out and actually overtly beg to anyone or be overly aggressive he
to anyone or be overly aggressive he
to anyone or be overly aggressive he just seemed kind offering hellos and
just seemed kind offering hellos and
just seemed kind offering hellos and greetings to people one day I’m walking
greetings to people one day I’m walking
greetings to people one day I’m walking back down the road and I’m heading for
back down the road and I’m heading for
back down the road and I’m heading for home and I would know I was on the same
home and I would know I was on the same
home and I would know I was on the same side of the road as him and normally I
side of the road as him and normally I
side of the road as him and normally I would cross to the other side so I
would cross to the other side so I
would cross to the other side so I didn’t have to confront him or I guess
didn’t have to confront him or I guess
didn’t have to confront him or I guess maybe confront my prejudice but today I
maybe confront my prejudice but today I
maybe confront my prejudice but today I said no forget it I’m gonna go right by
said no forget it I’m gonna go right by
said no forget it I’m gonna go right by him and as I started to walk by him that
him and as I started to walk by him that
him and as I started to walk by him that little dog stood up came and stood in
little dog stood up came and stood in
little dog stood up came and stood in front of me and then sat down and looked
front of me and then sat down and looked
front of me and then sat down and looked at me at the friendly face
at me at the friendly face
at me at the friendly face I reached down and I patted it and I
I reached down and I patted it and I
I reached down and I patted it and I turned to him without thinking I opened
turned to him without thinking I opened
turned to him without thinking I opened up and was friendly and I said what’s
up and was friendly and I said what’s
up and was friendly and I said what’s his name he laughed at me and said well
his name he laughed at me and said well
his name he laughed at me and said well he’s a she and her name’s Molly and she
he’s a she and her name’s Molly and she
he’s a she and her name’s Molly and she doesn’t normally stop people unless they
doesn’t normally stop people unless they
doesn’t normally stop people unless they need something what do you need yeah I
need something what do you need yeah I
need something what do you need yeah I wish I was that kind of my thoughts it’s
wish I was that kind of my thoughts it’s
wish I was that kind of my thoughts it’s the first thing I thought nice scam yeah
the first thing I thought nice scam yeah
the first thing I thought nice scam yeah pull on the heartstrings make me feel
instead I said to him she must didn’t
instead I said to him she must didn’t known I needed a friendly dog to pet
known I needed a friendly dog to pet
known I needed a friendly dog to pet today and I walked away and I was
today and I walked away and I was
today and I walked away and I was confused I was confused about a lot of
confused I was confused about a lot of
confused I was confused about a lot of stuff the next day after radiation I
stuff the next day after radiation I
stuff the next day after radiation I knew I wanted to go back and either make
knew I wanted to go back and either make
knew I wanted to go back and either make amends or do something or figure
amends or do something or figure
amends or do something or figure something out and I wanted to give him
something out and I wanted to give him
something out and I wanted to give him something but I wasn’t about to give him
something but I wasn’t about to give him
something but I wasn’t about to give him money because we all know what it’s like
money because we all know what it’s like
money because we all know what it’s like when you give a beggar money they’re
when you give a beggar money they’re
when you give a beggar money they’re gonna spend it on drugs or alcohol I
stopped and picked up a sandwich and a
stopped and picked up a sandwich and a coffee some little biscuits for Molly
coffee some little biscuits for Molly
coffee some little biscuits for Molly and as I got close he waved me over he
and as I got close he waved me over he
and as I got close he waved me over he said come back to see Molly I see and I
said come back to see Molly I see and I
said come back to see Molly I see and I was about to hand him the food and stuff
was about to hand him the food and stuff
was about to hand him the food and stuff but he stuck out his hand to shake mine
but he stuck out his hand to shake mine
but he stuck out his hand to shake mine and as he did he started a conversation
and as he did he started a conversation
and as he did he started a conversation with me as if we had been mates for a
with me as if we had been mates for a
with me as if we had been mates for a long time i sat with him and offered up
long time i sat with him and offered up
long time i sat with him and offered up the sandwich and he said I’m not gonna
the sandwich and he said I’m not gonna
the sandwich and he said I’m not gonna have this unless we share the Spanish
have this unless we share the Spanish
have this unless we share the Spanish poets Aveda once wrote there are no
poets Aveda once wrote there are no
poets Aveda once wrote there are no sorrows when we break bread and the
sorrows when we break bread and the
sorrows when we break bread and the whore tetany sorrows that day we sat and
whore tetany sorrows that day we sat and
whore tetany sorrows that day we sat and talked like two old buddies and for a
talked like two old buddies and for a
talked like two old buddies and for a moment I forgot that I was sick after a
moment I forgot that I was sick after a
moment I forgot that I was sick after a bit he reached into his bag and pulled
bit he reached into his bag and pulled
bit he reached into his bag and pulled out a little bottle little pill bottle
out a little bottle little pill bottle
out a little bottle little pill bottle and his hands were shaky and couldn’t
and his hands were shaky and couldn’t
and his hands were shaky and couldn’t open them so I offered to him he handed
open them so I offered to him he handed
open them so I offered to him he handed it to me and I looked and there was his
it to me and I looked and there was his
it to me and I looked and there was his name Douglas and large it sill was a
name Douglas and large it sill was a
name Douglas and large it sill was a medication which is used by people with
medication which is used by people with
medication which is used by people with schizophrenia which I thought meant he
schizophrenia which I thought meant he
schizophrenia which I thought meant he must be a psychotic serial killer
what it is it’s an internal jail people
what it is it’s an internal jail people get very little government help we
get very little government help we
get very little government help we ignore them we stigmatize them and so I
ignore them we stigmatize them and so I
ignore them we stigmatize them and so I turned him and said is this why you’re
turned him and said is this why you’re
turned him and said is this why you’re begging and he looked at me and he said
begging and he looked at me and he said
begging and he looked at me and he said what he said no I’m here raising money
what he said no I’m here raising money
what he said no I’m here raising money to help the needy and he pointed at a
to help the needy and he pointed at a
to help the needy and he pointed at a sign and there below the big help
sign and there below the big help
sign and there below the big help I hadn’t even looked with the groups
I hadn’t even looked with the groups
I hadn’t even looked with the groups that he was raising money for and
that he was raising money for and
that he was raising money for and suddenly I realized it was not him that
suddenly I realized it was not him that
suddenly I realized it was not him that was disabled it was me for the judgement
was disabled it was me for the judgement
was disabled it was me for the judgement that I have had with him blinded me to
that I have had with him blinded me to
that I have had with him blinded me to the truth of this man’s gracious intent
the truth of this man’s gracious intent
the truth of this man’s gracious intent I saw him often after that remember one
I saw him often after that remember one
I saw him often after that remember one day I was going up the street had this
day I was going up the street had this
day I was going up the street had this cheeky little smile on his face and he
cheeky little smile on his face and he
cheeky little smile on his face and he waved me over reached into his bag and
waved me over reached into his bag and
waved me over reached into his bag and he pulled out a little box of chocolates
he pulled out a little box of chocolates
he pulled out a little box of chocolates that I would ignore to some cheap treat
that I would ignore to some cheap treat
that I would ignore to some cheap treat but I knew from him that this was a lot
but I knew from him that this was a lot
but I knew from him that this was a lot of money’s so I reached around the box
of money’s so I reached around the box
of money’s so I reached around the box and shook his hand and said thank you my
and shook his hand and said thank you my
and shook his hand and said thank you my friend and he started to tear up and I
friend and he started to tear up and I
friend and he started to tear up and I said Doug what’s wrong and he said I
said Doug what’s wrong and he said I
said Doug what’s wrong and he said I don’t really have friends and I sure
don’t really have friends and I sure
don’t really have friends and I sure don’t have important friends like you
don’t have important friends like you
don’t have important friends like you I’d live my life try to be important
I’d live my life try to be important
I’d live my life try to be important with TV cameras recognition and I never
with TV cameras recognition and I never
with TV cameras recognition and I never felt more important my life than I did
felt more important my life than I did
felt more important my life than I did right at that second because I was
right at that second because I was
right at that second because I was important just simply because I was
important just simply because I was
important just simply because I was giving him my presence he said to me
giving him my presence he said to me
giving him my presence he said to me that or I said to him that I wouldn’t
that or I said to him that I wouldn’t
that or I said to him that I wouldn’t take the chocolates unless we shared
take the chocolates unless we shared
take the chocolates unless we shared like we always do so we sat and he
like we always do so we sat and he
like we always do so we sat and he opened with great joy and as we sat I
opened with great joy and as we sat I
opened with great joy and as we sat I looked at that see of people move by us
looked at that see of people move by us
looked at that see of people move by us people with places to go and people to
people with places to go and people to
people with places to go and people to see and things to do and people that I
see and things to do and people that I
see and things to do and people that I used to think I was like people that
used to think I was like people that
used to think I was like people that were looking down upon us like we were
were looking down upon us like we were
were looking down upon us like we were less than them I wanted to be those
less than them I wanted to be those
less than them I wanted to be those people for so long in my life to have
people for so long in my life to have
people for so long in my life to have that view from above but now sitting
that view from above but now sitting
that view from above but now sitting down below eating the best chocolates
down below eating the best chocolates
down below eating the best chocolates I’d ever had my life I realized the best
I’d ever had my life I realized the best
I’d ever had my life I realized the best viewers right here Sydney Australia does
viewers right here Sydney Australia does
viewers right here Sydney Australia does get a little cool in the winter and it
get a little cool in the winter and it
get a little cool in the winter and it was a winter day as I was walking to
was a winter day as I was walking to
was a winter day as I was walking to town and I had a jacket on and as I came
town and I had a jacket on and as I came
town and I had a jacket on and as I came upon Doug he put a
upon Doug he put a
upon Doug he put a he’ll create upside-down and I sat on it
he’ll create upside-down and I sat on it
he’ll create upside-down and I sat on it Molly came up and put her paws on my
Molly came up and put her paws on my
Molly came up and put her paws on my knee so I picked her up and pulled her
knee so I picked her up and pulled her
knee so I picked her up and pulled her into me and opened my jacket and for the
into me and opened my jacket and for the
into me and opened my jacket and for the first time exposed this long scar which
first time exposed this long scar which
first time exposed this long scar which was on my neck and Doug said what’s that
was on my neck and Doug said what’s that
was on my neck and Doug said what’s that and I start to explained about the
and I start to explained about the
and I start to explained about the cancer he said I know you’re gonna be
cancer he said I know you’re gonna be
cancer he said I know you’re gonna be okay and I said yeah well I kind of feel
okay and I said yeah well I kind of feel
okay and I said yeah well I kind of feel I am I’m going through radiation and
I am I’m going through radiation and
I am I’m going through radiation and treatment and he grabbed my arm and I
treatment and he grabbed my arm and I
treatment and he grabbed my arm and I turned to him and he said no you’re
turned to him and he said no you’re
turned to him and he said no you’re gonna be okay
gonna be okay
gonna be okay you have a lot more to do I have never
you have a lot more to do I have never
you have a lot more to do I have never in my life been stumped for words but I
in my life been stumped for words but I
in my life been stumped for words but I was that day so I did what we men do
was that day so I did what we men do
was that day so I did what we men do when we are emotional and scared we’re
when we are emotional and scared we’re
when we are emotional and scared we’re gonna cry in public I sniffle turn my
gonna cry in public I sniffle turn my
gonna cry in public I sniffle turn my head and tried to swallow the tears he
head and tried to swallow the tears he
head and tried to swallow the tears he was kind he did the same and we sat
was kind he did the same and we sat
was kind he did the same and we sat there sniffling back and forth but I I
there sniffling back and forth but I I
there sniffling back and forth but I I think sometimes the best things are said
think sometimes the best things are said
think sometimes the best things are said when we don’t exchange words we just
when we don’t exchange words we just
when we don’t exchange words we just exchange space eventually I had to get
exchange space eventually I had to get
exchange space eventually I had to get up and leave and I didn’t want to say
up and leave and I didn’t want to say
up and leave and I didn’t want to say goodbye so I said I’ll see you later and
goodbye so I said I’ll see you later and
goodbye so I said I’ll see you later and he just waved smiled Molly got up and
he just waved smiled Molly got up and
he just waved smiled Molly got up and barked for the first time I walked down
barked for the first time I walked down
barked for the first time I walked down that Street that day and my eyes for
that Street that day and my eyes for
that Street that day and my eyes for pouring out tears not because I was
pouring out tears not because I was
pouring out tears not because I was fearful or angry it’s because I was
fearful or angry it’s because I was
fearful or angry it’s because I was happy cuz for the first time in my life
happy cuz for the first time in my life
happy cuz for the first time in my life or the first time since cancer I knew I
or the first time since cancer I knew I
or the first time since cancer I knew I was gonna live and in the first time in
was gonna live and in the first time in
was gonna live and in the first time in my life I felt I had a real purpose the
my life I felt I had a real purpose the
my life I felt I had a real purpose the next day I had chemotherapy and what
next day I had chemotherapy and what
next day I had chemotherapy and what chemotherapy has a way of wiping all
chemotherapy has a way of wiping all
chemotherapy has a way of wiping all positivity out of you you’re slowly fed
positivity out of you you’re slowly fed
positivity out of you you’re slowly fed vile poison the drips into your body to
vile poison the drips into your body to
vile poison the drips into your body to make things worse that day there was a
make things worse that day there was a
make things worse that day there was a little girl sitting across from me with
little girl sitting across from me with
little girl sitting across from me with a nurse buyer she was combing the hair
a nurse buyer she was combing the hair
a nurse buyer she was combing the hair on a mane of a toy horse
on a mane of a toy horse
on a mane of a toy horse she had a scarf on to cover her bald
she had a scarf on to cover her bald
she had a scarf on to cover her bald head her skin was gray and she had a
head her skin was gray and she had a
head her skin was gray and she had a look a defeat god I didn’t want to look
look a defeat god I didn’t want to look
look a defeat god I didn’t want to look at her didn’t want to look away you
at her didn’t want to look away you
at her didn’t want to look away you there
there
there then suddenly madness as I closed my
then suddenly madness as I closed my
then suddenly madness as I closed my eyes and I remembered back to when I was
eyes and I remembered back to when I was
eyes and I remembered back to when I was just a young boy that age and my best
just a young boy that age and my best
just a young boy that age and my best friend Rob Austin who is a class clown
friend Rob Austin who is a class clown
friend Rob Austin who is a class clown used to make faces so I turned her
used to make faces so I turned her
used to make faces so I turned her I went that’s more of a reaction than I
I went that’s more of a reaction than I
I went that’s more of a reaction than I got from her you know what little kids
got from her you know what little kids
got from her you know what little kids can look like it they’re not quite sure
can look like it they’re not quite sure
can look like it they’re not quite sure and think there’s something really
and think there’s something really
and think there’s something really strange about you well that’s the look
strange about you well that’s the look
strange about you well that’s the look she gave me the logical thing would have
she gave me the logical thing would have
she gave me the logical thing would have been to turn away and pretend it didn’t
been to turn away and pretend it didn’t
been to turn away and pretend it didn’t happen but that would take somebody
happen but that would take somebody
happen but that would take somebody who’s smart and know we’re in this talk
who’s smart and know we’re in this talk
who’s smart and know we’re in this talk if I said I’m smart so I did it again
if I said I’m smart so I did it again
if I said I’m smart so I did it again this time I saw her stomach start to
this time I saw her stomach start to
this time I saw her stomach start to roll a bit then it came up through her
roll a bit then it came up through her
roll a bit then it came up through her chest and I was wondering was she gonna
chest and I was wondering was she gonna
chest and I was wondering was she gonna be ill and vomit but she started to
be ill and vomit but she started to
be ill and vomit but she started to laugh and the laughter of a young child
laugh and the laughter of a young child
laugh and the laughter of a young child was contagious and I broke out laughter
was contagious and I broke out laughter
was contagious and I broke out laughter the nurse started to laugh nurses
the nurse started to laugh nurses
the nurse started to laugh nurses started coming from all the other rooms
started coming from all the other rooms
started coming from all the other rooms and they started to laugh and I knew I
and they started to laugh and I knew I
and they started to laugh and I knew I had to see Doug I had to sell him you’re
had to see Doug I had to sell him you’re
had to see Doug I had to sell him you’re right I do have a lot more to do the
right I do have a lot more to do the
right I do have a lot more to do the next day I went back downtown and there
next day I went back downtown and there
next day I went back downtown and there he was gone he wasn’t there I didn’t
he was gone he wasn’t there I didn’t
he was gone he wasn’t there I didn’t think much as hoping just an anomaly so
think much as hoping just an anomaly so
think much as hoping just an anomaly so I went back day after day I went back
I went back day after day I went back
I went back day after day I went back for weeks and he wasn’t there I started
for weeks and he wasn’t there I started
for weeks and he wasn’t there I started asking store keepers had they seen him
asking store keepers had they seen him
asking store keepers had they seen him and most would say we know what bums are
and most would say we know what bums are
and most would say we know what bums are like they just moved to better spots I’d
like they just moved to better spots I’d
like they just moved to better spots I’d phone agencies and they said they
phone agencies and they said they
phone agencies and they said they couldn’t say anything because of privacy
couldn’t say anything because of privacy
couldn’t say anything because of privacy laws and at night that time I had
laws and at night that time I had
laws and at night that time I had reserved to think in my own head the
reserved to think in my own head the
reserved to think in my own head the fears about my own demise I started
fears about my own demise I started
fears about my own demise I started thinking about him and wondering had he
thinking about him and wondering had he
thinking about him and wondering had he been mugged had he been hospitalized had
been mugged had he been hospitalized had
been mugged had he been hospitalized had he been institutionalized and I started
he been institutionalized and I started
he been institutionalized and I started think about Molly and she’d been put in
think about Molly and she’d been put in
think about Molly and she’d been put in a shelter and was she about to be put
a shelter and was she about to be put
a shelter and was she about to be put down I wanted to tell you about Doug and
down I wanted to tell you about Doug and
down I wanted to tell you about Doug and give you whole sorts of great metaphors
give you whole sorts of great metaphors
give you whole sorts of great metaphors on what it really meant to me and I was
on what it really meant to me and I was
on what it really meant to me and I was gonna be part of a big transition in my
gonna be part of a big transition in my
gonna be part of a big transition in my life and I wanted to tell you how great
life and I wanted to tell you how great
life and I wanted to tell you how great that he had made me and then I realized
that he had made me and then I realized
that he had made me and then I realized that day I hadn’t been prepared to tell
that day I hadn’t been prepared to tell
that day I hadn’t been prepared to tell Doug the whole story you see in chemo
Doug the whole story you see in chemo
Doug the whole story you see in chemo that day we had to turn our chairs away
that day we had to turn our chairs away
that day we had to turn our chairs away from each other because every time we
from each other because every time we
from each other because every time we looked at each other we were laughing
looked at each other we were laughing
looked at each other we were laughing Kimo goes on and you don’t laugh it
Kimo goes on and you don’t laugh it
Kimo goes on and you don’t laugh it kills you and Kimo made me emotional
kills you and Kimo made me emotional
kills you and Kimo made me emotional I got teared up and I felt lousy but I
I got teared up and I felt lousy but I
I got teared up and I felt lousy but I knew that I couldn’t leave that day
knew that I couldn’t leave that day
knew that I couldn’t leave that day because I knew I was leaving before her
because I knew I was leaving before her
because I knew I was leaving before her before I said something to her that was
before I said something to her that was
before I said something to her that was gonna be so important that it would
gonna be so important that it would
gonna be so important that it would rescue her so as I finished the chemo
rescue her so as I finished the chemo
rescue her so as I finished the chemo that day I walked over and I squatted
that day I walked over and I squatted
that day I walked over and I squatted down in front of her and I got her high
down in front of her and I got her high
down in front of her and I got her high too high and I must’ve looked like hell
too high and I must’ve looked like hell
too high and I must’ve looked like hell and I was shaking and I could feel sweat
and I was shaking and I could feel sweat
and I was shaking and I could feel sweat coming out of my head I knew I was
coming out of my head I knew I was
coming out of my head I knew I was trying to come up with great words and
trying to come up with great words and
trying to come up with great words and as I did she looked at me and she tilted
as I did she looked at me and she tilted
as I did she looked at me and she tilted her head with an empathetic look that
her head with an empathetic look that
her head with an empathetic look that you would recognize from a parent not a
you would recognize from a parent not a
you would recognize from a parent not a little child and then she reached out
little child and then she reached out
little child and then she reached out with a free arm and placed her hand
with a free arm and placed her hand
with a free arm and placed her hand against my cheek to comfort me I was a
against my cheek to comfort me I was a
against my cheek to comfort me I was a child suddenly and I started to cry and
child suddenly and I started to cry and
child suddenly and I started to cry and so she wiped the tears away from my face
he was the hardest thing walking out of
he was the hardest thing walking out of there that day as I look back she was
there that day as I look back she was
there that day as I look back she was just there calling the Pony again a
just there calling the Pony again a
just there calling the Pony again a couple of weeks later I was in chemo and
couple of weeks later I was in chemo and
couple of weeks later I was in chemo and I saw her nurse so I mouths have you
I saw her nurse so I mouths have you
I saw her nurse so I mouths have you seen her
seen her
seen her how was she the nurse came and told me
how was she the nurse came and told me
how was she the nurse came and told me that she had passed away God took the
that she had passed away God took the
that she had passed away God took the wrong one that day
started to realize that I wasn’t so
started to realize that I wasn’t so scared of dying I had just been scared
scared of dying I had just been scared
scared of dying I had just been scared my whole life of living I started to
my whole life of living I started to
my whole life of living I started to realize that we can all die in just one
realize that we can all die in just one
realize that we can all die in just one minute but we can all live a million
minute but we can all live a million
minute but we can all live a million amazing moments filled with passion
amazing moments filled with passion
amazing moments filled with passion filled with pain filled with love angst
filled with pain filled with love angst
filled with pain filled with love angst anger anything we want and that I had
anger anything we want and that I had
anger anything we want and that I had lived half a century avoiding any
lived half a century avoiding any
lived half a century avoiding any negative emotion and trying to insulate
negative emotion and trying to insulate
negative emotion and trying to insulate myself against the poor the needy the
myself against the poor the needy the
myself against the poor the needy the desperate I tried to surround myself
desperate I tried to surround myself
desperate I tried to surround myself with rich famous powerful people
with rich famous powerful people
with rich famous powerful people thinking if I got to be with them then I
thinking if I got to be with them then I
thinking if I got to be with them then I could live in this sort of benign
could live in this sort of benign
could live in this sort of benign happiness and if I felt any guilt about
happiness and if I felt any guilt about
happiness and if I felt any guilt about the wholeness that I could wait until I
the wholeness that I could wait until I
the wholeness that I could wait until I made more than I needed to give them
made more than I needed to give them
made more than I needed to give them some of what I had but here in my most
some of what I had but here in my most
some of what I had but here in my most desperate moment two people I have spent
desperate moment two people I have spent
desperate moment two people I have spent a lifetime avoiding a homeless man at a
a lifetime avoiding a homeless man at a
a lifetime avoiding a homeless man at a little kid who I thought had so little
little kid who I thought had so little
little kid who I thought had so little to give gave me so much I had a lot more
to give gave me so much I had a lot more
to give gave me so much I had a lot more to do but that a lot more to do wasn’t
to do but that a lot more to do wasn’t
to do but that a lot more to do wasn’t me saving other people that lot more to
me saving other people that lot more to
me saving other people that lot more to do was me seeing other people me
do was me seeing other people me
do was me seeing other people me receiving and in that giving them the
receiving and in that giving them the
receiving and in that giving them the power to heal others it also started me
power to heal others it also started me
power to heal others it also started me on a course of redemption in my life
on a course of redemption in my life
on a course of redemption in my life with my daughter when I was asked to do
with my daughter when I was asked to do
with my daughter when I was asked to do this talk I was honored and humbled and
this talk I was honored and humbled and
this talk I was honored and humbled and I was scared that I wasn’t worthy
I was scared that I wasn’t worthy
I was scared that I wasn’t worthy normally in the past out of a told a
normally in the past out of a told a
normally in the past out of a told a million people boasted about it but I
million people boasted about it but I
million people boasted about it but I didn’t tell anyone for weeks except I
didn’t tell anyone for weeks except I
didn’t tell anyone for weeks except I called my wife Marina she cried on the
called my wife Marina she cried on the
called my wife Marina she cried on the phone with me and then I called my
phone with me and then I called my
phone with me and then I called my little girl she now lives halfway across
little girl she now lives halfway across
little girl she now lives halfway across the country Galland her she’s going to
the country Galland her she’s going to
the country Galland her she’s going to school or she’s she’s going to be a
school or she’s she’s going to be a
school or she’s she’s going to be a early childhood education teacher and
early childhood education teacher and
early childhood education teacher and damage she’s kind of
damage she’s kind of
damage she’s kind of the best one cuz she’s really good she’s
the best one cuz she’s really good she’s
the best one cuz she’s really good she’s got a heart so big and I told her same
got a heart so big and I told her same
got a heart so big and I told her same little girl that told me she shouldn’t
little girl that told me she shouldn’t
little girl that told me she shouldn’t care if I lived or died and she said to
care if I lived or died and she said to
care if I lived or died and she said to me daddy I am so proud of you you’re
me daddy I am so proud of you you’re
me daddy I am so proud of you you’re going to be really good daddy I love you
going to be really good daddy I love you
going to be really good daddy I love you thank you
”
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