my name is Kevin Crider and I have a confession to make I’m not Irish a
confession to make I’m not Irish a
confession to make I’m not Irish a German um a Korean American adoptee and
German um a Korean American adoptee and
German um a Korean American adoptee and I’m horrible with math and growing up I
I’m horrible with math and growing up I
I’m horrible with math and growing up I want it to be white yeah that’s right I
want it to be white yeah that’s right I
want it to be white yeah that’s right I want it to be white because stereotypes
want it to be white because stereotypes
want it to be white because stereotypes are powerful it led me to isolation
are powerful it led me to isolation
are powerful it led me to isolation depression feeling of a lone self-hatred
stereotypes I was asked to be part of
stereotypes I was asked to be part of this documentary on Asian men and what
this documentary on Asian men and what
this documentary on Asian men and what it was like to be a fitness coach and a
it was like to be a fitness coach and a
it was like to be a fitness coach and a model growing up in a white community
model growing up in a white community
model growing up in a white community and first of all was to Asian women who
and first of all was to Asian women who
and first of all was to Asian women who asked me and I was shocked because Asian
asked me and I was shocked because Asian
asked me and I was shocked because Asian women they didn’t want to hear about
women they didn’t want to hear about
women they didn’t want to hear about being stripped away of your sexuality or
being stripped away of your sexuality or
being stripped away of your sexuality or the stereotypes that came with an Asian
the stereotypes that came with an Asian
the stereotypes that came with an Asian male in America so why now I was
male in America so why now I was
male in America so why now I was hesitant but then I shared my story I
came from a loving adoptive family but I
came from a loving adoptive family but I soon found out the outside world is not
soon found out the outside world is not
soon found out the outside world is not as loving my first memory of remembering
as loving my first memory of remembering
as loving my first memory of remembering that I wasn’t white was being in
that I wasn’t white was being in
that I wasn’t white was being in kindergarten there’s this Italian kid
kindergarten there’s this Italian kid
kindergarten there’s this Italian kid going around going ching chang chong
going around going ching chang chong
going around going ching chang chong jack jack should you chinese you’re
jack jack should you chinese you’re
jack jack should you chinese you’re chinese laughing going around
chinese laughing going around
chinese laughing going around single-handedly pointing me out
single-handedly pointing me out
single-handedly pointing me out immediately I was shocked into reality I
immediately I was shocked into reality I
immediately I was shocked into reality I am not like you and that kept going on
anybody know who Bruce Lee is what’s the
anybody know who Bruce Lee is what’s the first thing you think of it’s the first
first thing you think of it’s the first
first thing you think of it’s the first thing Bruce Lee was used to shame me
thing Bruce Lee was used to shame me
thing Bruce Lee was used to shame me when I was growing up kids would take me
when I was growing up kids would take me
when I was growing up kids would take me in the schoolyard bully me what stop
in the schoolyard bully me what stop
in the schoolyard bully me what stop Bruce Lee don’t know karate
Bruce Lee don’t know karate
Bruce Lee don’t know karate no beating up in the schoolyard mocked
no beating up in the schoolyard mocked
no beating up in the schoolyard mocked told I was making native noises I was
told I was making native noises I was
told I was making native noises I was really quiet growing up I don’t know
really quiet growing up I don’t know
really quiet growing up I don’t know where they got that from then fast
where they got that from then fast
where they got that from then fast forward to asking girls out on dates
forward to asking girls out on dates
forward to asking girls out on dates this part’s fun sixth grade I asked a
this part’s fun sixth grade I asked a
this part’s fun sixth grade I asked a girl to dance and she says hmm I’m not
girl to dance and she says hmm I’m not
girl to dance and she says hmm I’m not an Asian guys
an Asian guys
an Asian guys okay let me walk that one off
okay let me walk that one off
okay let me walk that one off well maybe white people just date white
well maybe white people just date white
well maybe white people just date white people right then I figured let me ask
people right then I figured let me ask
people right then I figured let me ask an Asian girl out maybe she’ll say yes
an Asian girl out maybe she’ll say yes
an Asian girl out maybe she’ll say yes hey you want to go to this dance with me
hey you want to go to this dance with me
hey you want to go to this dance with me sorry I don’t find Asian guys attractive
sorry I don’t find Asian guys attractive
sorry I don’t find Asian guys attractive Wow
Wow
Wow okay I remember when that first happened
okay I remember when that first happened
okay I remember when that first happened I said to myself why is that that Asian
I said to myself why is that that Asian
I said to myself why is that that Asian guys aren’t seen attractive why am i
guys aren’t seen attractive why am i
guys aren’t seen attractive why am i clumped into this group of people that
clumped into this group of people that
clumped into this group of people that are seen as effeminate stereotypical in
are seen as effeminate stereotypical in
are seen as effeminate stereotypical in math and science and skinny and weak and
math and science and skinny and weak and
math and science and skinny and weak and quiet and when this happened repeated
quiet and when this happened repeated
quiet and when this happened repeated repetitively it became ingrained in me
repetitively it became ingrained in me
repetitively it became ingrained in me all of a sudden I started to believe the
all of a sudden I started to believe the
all of a sudden I started to believe the perceptions that people had of me
perceptions that people had of me
perceptions that people had of me it’s called conditioning I was
it’s called conditioning I was
it’s called conditioning I was conditioned to believe this and then I
conditioned to believe this and then I
conditioned to believe this and then I got mad I got angry at these Asian women
got mad I got angry at these Asian women
got mad I got angry at these Asian women because I was so hurt but I didn’t know
because I was so hurt but I didn’t know
because I was so hurt but I didn’t know how to express myself so what do I do I
how to express myself so what do I do I
how to express myself so what do I do I strip away everything that I could of
strip away everything that I could of
strip away everything that I could of any Asian identity Asian men were seen
any Asian identity Asian men were seen
any Asian identity Asian men were seen as skinny and weak guess what I’m gonna
as skinny and weak guess what I’m gonna
as skinny and weak guess what I’m gonna hit the gym
hit the gym
hit the gym lift get stronger and guess what that
lift get stronger and guess what that
lift get stronger and guess what that worked girls started to say hey man I
worked girls started to say hey man I
worked girls started to say hey man I didn’t know they made Asian guys like
didn’t know they made Asian guys like
didn’t know they made Asian guys like you guys stop calling me chink and
you guys stop calling me chink and
you guys stop calling me chink and Chinaman didn’t do this anymore
Chinaman didn’t do this anymore
Chinaman didn’t do this anymore I started to become part of something
I started to become part of something
I started to become part of something but then I would tell Asian girls I’m
but then I would tell Asian girls I’m
but then I would tell Asian girls I’m not really attracted to you who are you
dated only white girls for a while
dated only white girls for a while made me feel good because I felt like an
made me feel good because I felt like an
made me feel good because I felt like an inferior race my whole life and when I
inferior race my whole life and when I
inferior race my whole life and when I could date a white girl it made me feel
could date a white girl it made me feel
could date a white girl it made me feel like I was part of them but then there
like I was part of them but then there
like I was part of them but then there was this constant tug-of-war don’t quite
was this constant tug-of-war don’t quite
was this constant tug-of-war don’t quite fit here don’t quite fit here I’m not
fit here don’t quite fit here I’m not
fit here don’t quite fit here I’m not part of the white community but I’m also
part of the white community but I’m also
part of the white community but I’m also not
not
not part of this community either and I
part of this community either and I
part of this community either and I started to do something that I hate it
started to do something that I hate it
started to do something that I hate it which is I then became that bully I
which is I then became that bully I
which is I then became that bully I started to look down on Asian guys pick
started to look down on Asian guys pick
started to look down on Asian guys pick on them why aren’t you fill in the blank
on them why aren’t you fill in the blank
on them why aren’t you fill in the blank I started to really hate the person I
I started to really hate the person I
I started to really hate the person I was becoming but guess what that’s what
was becoming but guess what that’s what
was becoming but guess what that’s what everybody else was doing let’s just get
everybody else was doing let’s just get
everybody else was doing let’s just get in all the fun right it’s just a joke
wasn’t funny to me but that’s what I did
wasn’t funny to me but that’s what I did to assimilate the blend in every time I
to assimilate the blend in every time I
to assimilate the blend in every time I would try to share the these feelings
would try to share the these feelings
would try to share the these feelings that I had of resentments and being the
that I had of resentments and being the
that I had of resentments and being the stereotypical Asian guy people would
stereotypical Asian guy people would
stereotypical Asian guy people would tell me it’s like well at least you
tell me it’s like well at least you
tell me it’s like well at least you don’t have the black stereotypes I’m
don’t have the black stereotypes I’m
don’t have the black stereotypes I’m like that’s supposed to make me feel
like that’s supposed to make me feel
like that’s supposed to make me feel better
better
better it’s called marginalizing just because
it’s called marginalizing just because
it’s called marginalizing just because it’s not as bad as this you have no
it’s not as bad as this you have no
it’s not as bad as this you have no reason to talk we are the model
reason to talk we are the model
reason to talk we are the model minorities we are the best of the
minorities we are the best of the
minorities we are the best of the minorities that’s what we were told we
minorities that’s what we were told we
minorities that’s what we were told we have nothing to complain about so I shut
have nothing to complain about so I shut
have nothing to complain about so I shut down I stopped talking about it maybe
down I stopped talking about it maybe
down I stopped talking about it maybe there is something wrong but then things
there is something wrong but then things
there is something wrong but then things started to change I saw my first I guess
started to change I saw my first I guess
started to change I saw my first I guess you can call it a man crush but he was
you can call it a man crush but he was
you can call it a man crush but he was an Asian guy who was signed by Ford
an Asian guy who was signed by Ford
an Asian guy who was signed by Ford models and he was tall handsome guy and
models and he was tall handsome guy and
models and he was tall handsome guy and he was gonna make it and I was like wow
he was gonna make it and I was like wow
he was gonna make it and I was like wow finally a sex symbol if he can inspire
finally a sex symbol if he can inspire
finally a sex symbol if he can inspire me to feel good about the way I look at
me to feel good about the way I look at
me to feel good about the way I look at my identity maybe I can do the same so I
my identity maybe I can do the same so I
my identity maybe I can do the same so I go up to New York I start this modeling
go up to New York I start this modeling
go up to New York I start this modeling career modeling has its own barriers
career modeling has its own barriers
career modeling has its own barriers while other people are going out I’m
while other people are going out I’m
while other people are going out I’m sitting at home alone castings aren’t
sitting at home alone castings aren’t
sitting at home alone castings aren’t right for me I can go wait too many
right for me I can go wait too many
right for me I can go wait too many details over this but something that
details over this but something that
details over this but something that happens to me I get very very consumed
happens to me I get very very consumed
happens to me I get very very consumed with a lot of self-hatred it’s
with a lot of self-hatred it’s
with a lot of self-hatred it’s exhausting hating yourself let me tell
exhausting hating yourself let me tell
exhausting hating yourself let me tell you drugs and alcohol that’s part of my
you drugs and alcohol that’s part of my
you drugs and alcohol that’s part of my story covered up the pain that I was
story covered up the pain that I was
story covered up the pain that I was feeling because when
feeling because when
feeling because when drinking I was part of you guys
drinking I was part of you guys
drinking I was part of you guys especially st. Patty’s Day oh yes I’m
especially st. Patty’s Day oh yes I’m
especially st. Patty’s Day oh yes I’m Kevin I’m one of you looks ridiculous by
Kevin I’m one of you looks ridiculous by
Kevin I’m one of you looks ridiculous by the way I don’t recommend it but that’s
the way I don’t recommend it but that’s
the way I don’t recommend it but that’s what happened I started to hate myself
what happened I started to hate myself
what happened I started to hate myself stress starts really hit at me
stress starts really hit at me
stress starts really hit at me depression isolation dating the wrong
depression isolation dating the wrong
depression isolation dating the wrong girls for the wrong reasons and then it
girls for the wrong reasons and then it
girls for the wrong reasons and then it hits me
hits me
hits me it’s called alopecia areata it’s an
it’s called alopecia areata it’s an
it’s called alopecia areata it’s an autoimmune disease stressed induced hair
autoimmune disease stressed induced hair
autoimmune disease stressed induced hair loss it’s not a good look for a model
loss it’s not a good look for a model
loss it’s not a good look for a model especially for an asian guy I was now
especially for an asian guy I was now
especially for an asian guy I was now the Buddha and Professor Xavier talked
the Buddha and Professor Xavier talked
the Buddha and Professor Xavier talked about not feeling attractive and then
about not feeling attractive and then
about not feeling attractive and then losing that making you feel even less
losing that making you feel even less
losing that making you feel even less attractive I would say that was my rock
attractive I would say that was my rock
attractive I would say that was my rock bottom in my life and what I did was
bottom in my life and what I did was
bottom in my life and what I did was decided to do this crazy journey
decided to do this crazy journey
decided to do this crazy journey soul-searching picked up a skateboard by
soul-searching picked up a skateboard by
soul-searching picked up a skateboard by the way I didn’t know how to skateboard
the way I didn’t know how to skateboard
the way I didn’t know how to skateboard at this time I’m gonna skateboard across
at this time I’m gonna skateboard across
at this time I’m gonna skateboard across the country some people said that’s far
the country some people said that’s far
the country some people said that’s far as gum ping it’s great movie watch with
as gum ping it’s great movie watch with
as gum ping it’s great movie watch with my mom all the time
my mom all the time
my mom all the time maybe that’s where I got the idea from
maybe that’s where I got the idea from
maybe that’s where I got the idea from but I figured if I can survive this
but I figured if I can survive this
but I figured if I can survive this journey then I’ll get the confidence the
journey then I’ll get the confidence the
journey then I’ll get the confidence the self-esteem that maybe I was looking for
self-esteem that maybe I was looking for
self-esteem that maybe I was looking for I can overcome everything or I’ll die
I can overcome everything or I’ll die
I can overcome everything or I’ll die either one was a good option for me but
either one was a good option for me but
either one was a good option for me but guess what the third option happened
guess what the third option happened
guess what the third option happened which was I lived and I didn’t get that
which was I lived and I didn’t get that
which was I lived and I didn’t get that fulfillment I want it there was this
fulfillment I want it there was this
fulfillment I want it there was this burning hole in me that felt empty I
burning hole in me that felt empty I
burning hole in me that felt empty I felt like nobody understood me I had to
felt like nobody understood me I had to
felt like nobody understood me I had to change my accident because I was hating
change my accident because I was hating
change my accident because I was hating the person I was becoming I had to
the person I was becoming I had to
the person I was becoming I had to change my actions so I could change my
change my actions so I could change my
change my actions so I could change my projectory of who I was and who I was
projectory of who I was and who I was
projectory of who I was and who I was becoming and I’m sharing with you three
becoming and I’m sharing with you three
becoming and I’m sharing with you three things that I did that changed my life
things that I did that changed my life
things that I did that changed my life the
the
the was to create a safe space an
was to create a safe space an
was to create a safe space an environment for Asian men to talk about
environment for Asian men to talk about
environment for Asian men to talk about this
this
this we’ve been marginalized we’ve been told
we’ve been marginalized we’ve been told
we’ve been marginalized we’ve been told to shut it for a long time by my parents
to shut it for a long time by my parents
to shut it for a long time by my parents – even at times I remember I was being
– even at times I remember I was being
– even at times I remember I was being called a banana growing up yellow on the
called a banana growing up yellow on the
called a banana growing up yellow on the inside white on the outside it’s a lot
inside white on the outside it’s a lot
inside white on the outside it’s a lot of pride in that actually I was like yes
of pride in that actually I was like yes
of pride in that actually I was like yes I’m a banana then I watch this movie
I’m a banana then I watch this movie
I’m a banana then I watch this movie breakfast and Tiffany’s anybody hear
breakfast and Tiffany’s anybody hear
breakfast and Tiffany’s anybody hear that old American classic good old
that old American classic good old
that old American classic good old Mickey Rourke thought I could handle
Mickey Rourke thought I could handle
Mickey Rourke thought I could handle this one because I’m like I’m a Twinkie
this one because I’m like I’m a Twinkie
this one because I’m like I’m a Twinkie you know yellow but I’m not really one
you know yellow but I’m not really one
you know yellow but I’m not really one of them then I saw his portrayal of
of them then I saw his portrayal of
of them then I saw his portrayal of Asian men and immediately I felt shamed
Asian men and immediately I felt shamed
Asian men and immediately I felt shamed I was not happy with what I saw and I
I was not happy with what I saw and I
I was not happy with what I saw and I felt horrible about myself and I
felt horrible about myself and I
felt horrible about myself and I realized that people’s perceptions of
realized that people’s perceptions of
realized that people’s perceptions of Asian men come from things like this the
Asian men come from things like this the
Asian men come from things like this the way we treat each other and I let it
way we treat each other and I let it
way we treat each other and I let it happen
happen
happen but then people tell you don’t take it
but then people tell you don’t take it
but then people tell you don’t take it so seriously Kevin but I didn’t get the
so seriously Kevin but I didn’t get the
so seriously Kevin but I didn’t get the joke and I really thought I would then I
joke and I really thought I would then I
joke and I really thought I would then I go to a basketball game and I meet this
go to a basketball game and I meet this
go to a basketball game and I meet this guy named Jeremy Lin Lin sanity what a
guy named Jeremy Lin Lin sanity what a
guy named Jeremy Lin Lin sanity what a guy hey Jerry Jeremy Jeremy I got a
guy hey Jerry Jeremy Jeremy I got a
guy hey Jerry Jeremy Jeremy I got a question did you ever come across that
question did you ever come across that
question did you ever come across that stereotype that Asian guys aren’t
stereotype that Asian guys aren’t
stereotype that Asian guys aren’t attractive little awkward laughs yeah I
attractive little awkward laughs yeah I
attractive little awkward laughs yeah I think they were expecting me to like ask
think they were expecting me to like ask
think they were expecting me to like ask him how he liked dribbles and does all
him how he liked dribbles and does all
him how he liked dribbles and does all that stuff and he’s like yeah and he
that stuff and he’s like yeah and he
that stuff and he’s like yeah and he shared a little bit you said that Asian
shared a little bit you said that Asian
shared a little bit you said that Asian women yes are over sexualized Asian men
women yes are over sexualized Asian men
women yes are over sexualized Asian men we don’t get the chance to talk about it
we don’t get the chance to talk about it
we don’t get the chance to talk about it and he said we need to be able to speak
and he said we need to be able to speak
and he said we need to be able to speak about it and not feel shamed about it
about it and not feel shamed about it
about it and not feel shamed about it and also to not to point fingers either
and also to not to point fingers either
and also to not to point fingers either not to be resentful or blame other
not to be resentful or blame other
not to be resentful or blame other people as well take responsibility for
people as well take responsibility for
people as well take responsibility for ourselves
ourselves
ourselves so I started doing that I started to
so I started doing that I started to
so I started doing that I started to create these communities I joined the
create these communities I joined the
create these communities I joined the American adoption Association I started
American adoption Association I started
American adoption Association I started to date Asian girls and guess what my
to date Asian girls and guess what my
to date Asian girls and guess what my life changed I started to feel like a
life changed I started to feel like a
life changed I started to feel like a part of something instead of separate
the next thing I did I know this is
the next thing I did I know this is gonna sound hokey but I had to forgive
gonna sound hokey but I had to forgive
gonna sound hokey but I had to forgive myself I had to forgive the person I was
myself I had to forgive the person I was
myself I had to forgive the person I was becoming the bully that I hated and I
becoming the bully that I hated and I
becoming the bully that I hated and I learned through this documentary through
learned through this documentary through
learned through this documentary through academia that this experience that I
academia that this experience that I
academia that this experience that I have these feelings are absolutely
have these feelings are absolutely
have these feelings are absolutely normal this is what happens with
normal this is what happens with
normal this is what happens with stereotypes this is what happens to
stereotypes this is what happens to
stereotypes this is what happens to people growing up who don’t feel
people growing up who don’t feel
people growing up who don’t feel confident about their self-identity
confident about their self-identity
confident about their self-identity their self-worth their self-image they
their self-worth their self-image they
their self-worth their self-image they feel inferior this is what happens I
feel inferior this is what happens I
feel inferior this is what happens I said to myself if I’m not alone why
said to myself if I’m not alone why
said to myself if I’m not alone why don’t more people know about this and
don’t more people know about this and
don’t more people know about this and why aren’t more people coming out like
why aren’t more people coming out like
why aren’t more people coming out like this and I had to forgive myself because
this and I had to forgive myself because
this and I had to forgive myself because I didn’t know I just thought I was doing
I didn’t know I just thought I was doing
I didn’t know I just thought I was doing the best thing I could to just blend in
the best thing I could to just blend in
the best thing I could to just blend in just get by
just get by
just get by and then the Asian women I go back to
and then the Asian women I go back to
and then the Asian women I go back to that but they were the ones who hurt me
that but they were the ones who hurt me
that but they were the ones who hurt me the most and I realized that they too
the most and I realized that they too
the most and I realized that they too were just going through the same stuff I
were just going through the same stuff I
were just going through the same stuff I was and they were doing the best that
was and they were doing the best that
was and they were doing the best that they could and when I realized that I
they could and when I realized that I
they could and when I realized that I was able to forgive them and then the
was able to forgive them and then the
was able to forgive them and then the final action was to give it back to
final action was to give it back to
final action was to give it back to mentor people to mentor other Asian men
mentor people to mentor other Asian men
mentor people to mentor other Asian men to say you are not alone in this that I
to say you are not alone in this that I
to say you are not alone in this that I felt the same way that we don’t have to
felt the same way that we don’t have to
felt the same way that we don’t have to go through this together but that we can
go through this together but that we can
go through this together but that we can redefine what being an Asian male is for
redefine what being an Asian male is for
redefine what being an Asian male is for us not let movies media and other people
us not let movies media and other people
us not let movies media and other people the way they treat us the perceptions we
the way they treat us the perceptions we
the way they treat us the perceptions we don’t have to let that define who we are
don’t have to let that define who we are
don’t have to let that define who we are and our value that we can bring to
and our value that we can bring to
and our value that we can bring to society if there’s anything anything I
society if there’s anything anything I
society if there’s anything anything I got from this and anything I want you to
got from this and anything I want you to
got from this and anything I want you to take from this is that I actually didn’t
take from this is that I actually didn’t
take from this is that I actually didn’t want to be white I just wanted to be
want to be white I just wanted to be
want to be white I just wanted to be treated like I was white
can give wholeheartedly be vulnerable
can give wholeheartedly be vulnerable share love receive love be limitless in
share love receive love be limitless in
share love receive love be limitless in what they do to their communities and
what they do to their communities and
what they do to their communities and for their communities not because of a
for their communities not because of a
for their communities not because of a stereotype and I also imagine world
stereotype and I also imagine world
stereotype and I also imagine world where Asian men can be cool he’s seen as
where Asian men can be cool he’s seen as
where Asian men can be cool he’s seen as cool sexy fun just like any other race
I’m Gavin Crider and that’s my story
I’m Gavin Crider and that’s my story thank you
thank you
thank you [Applause]
”
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