my name’s Robert Dayton Castleman and I’m here to talk to you about a project
I’m here to talk to you about a project
I’m here to talk to you about a project that I did two years ago but it really
that I did two years ago but it really
that I did two years ago but it really begins as a little boy when I was a boy
begins as a little boy when I was a boy
begins as a little boy when I was a boy I was capable of weaving any structure
I was capable of weaving any structure
I was capable of weaving any structure any article of clothing any vehicle into
any article of clothing any vehicle into
any article of clothing any vehicle into one of my elaborate astronaut fantasies
one of my elaborate astronaut fantasies
one of my elaborate astronaut fantasies I wanted to be an astronaut one such car
I wanted to be an astronaut one such car
I wanted to be an astronaut one such car ride I remember with taking with great
ride I remember with taking with great
ride I remember with taking with great anticipation we were to see a shuttle
anticipation we were to see a shuttle
anticipation we were to see a shuttle launch at school that day so my shuttle
launch at school that day so my shuttle
launch at school that day so my shuttle mission to school with mom was full of
mission to school with mom was full of
mission to school with mom was full of excitement it was 1986 I was in fifth
excitement it was 1986 I was in fifth
excitement it was 1986 I was in fifth grade and I was ten years old the
grade and I was ten years old the
grade and I was ten years old the elementary school at Saint Paul first
elementary school at Saint Paul first
elementary school at Saint Paul first English Lutheran school piled into the
English Lutheran school piled into the
English Lutheran school piled into the cafeteria that day and on a boxy little
cafeteria that day and on a boxy little
cafeteria that day and on a boxy little color television on a cart at one end of
color television on a cart at one end of
color television on a cart at one end of the room we watched images of the Space
the room we watched images of the Space
the room we watched images of the Space Shuttle and was all done with great
Shuttle and was all done with great
Shuttle and was all done with great anticipation of course finally it came
anticipation of course finally it came
anticipation of course finally it came to that most exciting point the point of
to that most exciting point the point of
to that most exciting point the point of no return and the countdown ten nine
no return and the countdown ten nine
no return and the countdown ten nine eight seven six five four three two one
eight seven six five four three two one
eight seven six five four three two one blast off at that time my life it was
blast off at that time my life it was
blast off at that time my life it was magical there was a teacher on that
magical there was a teacher on that
magical there was a teacher on that space shell just like my teachers I so
space shell just like my teachers I so
space shell just like my teachers I so wish that I was on that plane as it
wish that I was on that plane as it
wish that I was on that plane as it soared into the sky 72 seconds later we
soared into the sky 72 seconds later we
soared into the sky 72 seconds later we all watched the space shuttle Challenger
all watched the space shuttle Challenger
all watched the space shuttle Challenger dissolve into a billowing white cloud
dissolve into a billowing white cloud
dissolve into a billowing white cloud it was a morphus it didn’t reflect the
it was a morphus it didn’t reflect the
it was a morphus it didn’t reflect the geometry of space travel
geometry of space travel
geometry of space travel there were plumes of smoke shooting off
there were plumes of smoke shooting off
there were plumes of smoke shooting off in a variety of different directions
in a variety of different directions
in a variety of different directions and as the reality of it sunk in to the
and as the reality of it sunk in to the
and as the reality of it sunk in to the students and sunk in to the teachers and
students and sunk in to the teachers and
students and sunk in to the teachers and as commentators began to talk about what
as commentators began to talk about what
as commentators began to talk about what was going on
was going on
was going on somber mood settled on that cafeteria
somber mood settled on that cafeteria
somber mood settled on that cafeteria and we all went back to our classrooms
and we all went back to our classrooms
and we all went back to our classrooms uncharacteristically subdued after an
uncharacteristically subdued after an
uncharacteristically subdued after an event like that about 30 minutes later
event like that about 30 minutes later
event like that about 30 minutes later my teacher told me that there was
my teacher told me that there was
my teacher told me that there was someone waiting for me out in the
someone waiting for me out in the
someone waiting for me out in the hallway and I went out there and it was
hallway and I went out there and it was
hallway and I went out there and it was my mom she knew that I wanted to be an
my mom she knew that I wanted to be an
my mom she knew that I wanted to be an astronaut she was concerned with how I
astronaut she was concerned with how I
astronaut she was concerned with how I was doing in the face of this really
was doing in the face of this really
was doing in the face of this really horrible thing to witness her a young
horrible thing to witness her a young
horrible thing to witness her a young kid she asked me how I was doing and I
kid she asked me how I was doing and I
kid she asked me how I was doing and I said I’m okay mama
said I’m okay mama
said I’m okay mama I still want to be an astronaut those
I still want to be an astronaut those
I still want to be an astronaut those words became particularly important for
words became particularly important for
words became particularly important for me another 30 years later and that’s the
me another 30 years later and that’s the
me another 30 years later and that’s the story that I’m gonna tell you about
story that I’m gonna tell you about
story that I’m gonna tell you about today that story began on April 24th of
today that story began on April 24th of
today that story began on April 24th of 2015 doctor walked it to a hospital room
2015 doctor walked it to a hospital room
2015 doctor walked it to a hospital room that I found myself in and he told me
that I found myself in and he told me
that I found myself in and he told me you have a brain tumor it’s a 9
you have a brain tumor it’s a 9
you have a brain tumor it’s a 9 millimeter colloid cyst I was familiar
millimeter colloid cyst I was familiar
millimeter colloid cyst I was familiar with the colloid cyst because I’ve had
with the colloid cyst because I’ve had
with the colloid cyst because I’ve had one before it was in 2001 and the image
one before it was in 2001 and the image
one before it was in 2001 and the image on the screen is a cat scan of that
on the screen is a cat scan of that
on the screen is a cat scan of that particular cyst discovering that cyst
particular cyst discovering that cyst
particular cyst discovering that cyst and having brain surgery to remove it
and having brain surgery to remove it
and having brain surgery to remove it happened over the course of a weekend
happened over the course of a weekend
happened over the course of a weekend now it was faced with something very
now it was faced with something very
now it was faced with something very different
different
different this little 9 millimeter ball about the
this little 9 millimeter ball about the
this little 9 millimeter ball about the size of a cheerio that had only two
size of a cheerio that had only two
size of a cheerio that had only two possible outcomes one was that it would
possible outcomes one was that it would
possible outcomes one was that it would blow up in my brain and kill me or two
blow up in my brain and kill me or two
blow up in my brain and kill me or two is that it would be surgically removed
is that it would be surgically removed
is that it would be surgically removed neither of those options sounded very
neither of those options sounded very
neither of those options sounded very interesting me and I descended into a
interesting me and I descended into a
interesting me and I descended into a type of malaise really overwhelmed and
type of malaise really overwhelmed and
type of malaise really overwhelmed and overcome with fear during that time I
overcome with fear during that time I
overcome with fear during that time I spent days in solitude often times I
spent days in solitude often times I
spent days in solitude often times I needed the time to process one of the
needed the time to process one of the
needed the time to process one of the things I did in the picture that you see
things I did in the picture that you see
things I did in the picture that you see on the left was roll little 9 millimeter
on the left was roll little 9 millimeter
on the left was roll little 9 millimeter balls of clay just to try to wrap my
balls of clay just to try to wrap my
balls of clay just to try to wrap my head around how something so small could
head around how something so small could
head around how something so small could potentially derail my life I had not
potentially derail my life I had not
potentially derail my life I had not grown up to be an artist but I mean I
grown up to be an artist but I mean I
grown up to be an artist but I mean I had not grown up to be an astronaut but
had not grown up to be an astronaut but
had not grown up to be an astronaut but an artist I’d also grown up and gotten
an artist I’d also grown up and gotten
an artist I’d also grown up and gotten married and had three kids and there was
married and had three kids and there was
married and had three kids and there was a lot on the line a lot of fear reminded
a lot on the line a lot of fear reminded
a lot on the line a lot of fear reminded me of the same type of brooding fear as
me of the same type of brooding fear as
me of the same type of brooding fear as the Cold War
the Cold War
the Cold War where there was this constant buzz in
where there was this constant buzz in
where there was this constant buzz in the background that if just the wrong
the background that if just the wrong
the background that if just the wrong things happen politically we could
things happen politically we could
things happen politically we could annihilate one another in a giant
annihilate one another in a giant
annihilate one another in a giant conflagration the anniversary of the
conflagration the anniversary of the
conflagration the anniversary of the Challenger explosion on August our
Challenger explosion on August our
Challenger explosion on August our January 28th of 2016 was an important
January 28th of 2016 was an important
January 28th of 2016 was an important change in moment within that journey of
change in moment within that journey of
change in moment within that journey of anticipating brain surgery however I
anticipating brain surgery however I
anticipating brain surgery however I recalled those words that I’d said to my
recalled those words that I’d said to my
recalled those words that I’d said to my mom 30 years prior I still want to be an
mom 30 years prior I still want to be an
mom 30 years prior I still want to be an astronaut and I contributed those words
astronaut and I contributed those words
astronaut and I contributed those words to the social media conversation about
to the social media conversation about
to the social media conversation about that particular anniversary as I was
that particular anniversary as I was
that particular anniversary as I was typing the words it began to occur to me
typing the words it began to occur to me
typing the words it began to occur to me that what I really longed for was the
that what I really longed for was the
that what I really longed for was the courage that that little boy had in the
courage that that little boy had in the
courage that that little boy had in the face of the tragedy of the Challenger
face of the tragedy of the Challenger
face of the tragedy of the Challenger explosion I wish that I could tap into
explosion I wish that I could tap into
explosion I wish that I could tap into that in some way and I decided really at
that in some way and I decided really at
that in some way and I decided really at that moment why not be an astronaut why
that moment why not be an astronaut why
that moment why not be an astronaut why not allow that same type of make-believe
not allow that same type of make-believe
not allow that same type of make-believe world that I created for myself as a
world that I created for myself as a
world that I created for myself as a child guide me through this very
child guide me through this very
child guide me through this very frightening process and so I began to
construct all of the required elements
construct all of the required elements of great astronaut fantasy for one was
of great astronaut fantasy for one was
of great astronaut fantasy for one was needing a building in the image on the
needing a building in the image on the
needing a building in the image on the Left you’ll see a photograph that I took
Left you’ll see a photograph that I took
Left you’ll see a photograph that I took as a little boy of the Michoud vehicle
as a little boy of the Michoud vehicle
as a little boy of the Michoud vehicle assembly plant about five miles from my
assembly plant about five miles from my
assembly plant about five miles from my home in New Orleans growing up this is
home in New Orleans growing up this is
home in New Orleans growing up this is where they built the external fuel tank
where they built the external fuel tank
where they built the external fuel tank for the space shuttle it was important
for the space shuttle it was important
for the space shuttle it was important to me and I think the photograph
to me and I think the photograph
to me and I think the photograph attributes the test to that because it
attributes the test to that because it
attributes the test to that because it was a giant building with NASA plastered
was a giant building with NASA plastered
was a giant building with NASA plastered on the side of it and that’s really all
on the side of it and that’s really all
on the side of it and that’s really all it required to be a part of my fantasy a
it required to be a part of my fantasy a
it required to be a part of my fantasy a bedroom could be Mission Control a
bedroom could be Mission Control a
bedroom could be Mission Control a cardboard box could be something the
cardboard box could be something the
cardboard box could be something the Washington Regional Medical Center
Washington Regional Medical Center
Washington Regional Medical Center became my Space Center this would be the
became my Space Center this would be the
became my Space Center this would be the point of my launch this would be where I
point of my launch this would be where I
point of my launch this would be where I took off from this would be the site of
took off from this would be the site of
took off from this would be the site of my selection testing my mind was filled
my selection testing my mind was filled
my selection testing my mind was filled with imagery of that 1983 film the right
with imagery of that 1983 film the right
with imagery of that 1983 film the right stuff where you have these mercury
stuff where you have these mercury
stuff where you have these mercury astronauts vying to be the first
astronauts vying to be the first
astronauts vying to be the first from the United States in outerspace and
from the United States in outerspace and
from the United States in outerspace and those were the images that were going
those were the images that were going
those were the images that were going through my head an important one of
through my head an important one of
through my head an important one of those sequence in that film was the
those sequence in that film was the
those sequence in that film was the selection testing scenes where they
selection testing scenes where they
selection testing scenes where they they’re putting these men through all of
they’re putting these men through all of
they’re putting these men through all of these physical trials in order to
these physical trials in order to
these physical trials in order to determine who would be the one selected
determine who would be the one selected
determine who would be the one selected to be an astronaut at this point since I
to be an astronaut at this point since I
to be an astronaut at this point since I was an astronaut and not a brain surgery
was an astronaut and not a brain surgery
was an astronaut and not a brain surgery recipient I was going into my cat scans
recipient I was going into my cat scans
recipient I was going into my cat scans and my MRIs with that same mindset in
and my MRIs with that same mindset in
and my MRIs with that same mindset in fact this gown that you’re looking at
fact this gown that you’re looking at
fact this gown that you’re looking at was a part it was what I wore for the
was a part it was what I wore for the
was a part it was what I wore for the first MRI they stick you into a very
first MRI they stick you into a very
first MRI they stick you into a very tight tube they blast the devil’s
tight tube they blast the devil’s
tight tube they blast the devil’s experimental music into your head it’s
experimental music into your head it’s
experimental music into your head it’s so loud and it’s so claustrophobic and
so loud and it’s so claustrophobic and
so loud and it’s so claustrophobic and it’s horrible but I was John Glenn I was
it’s horrible but I was John Glenn I was
it’s horrible but I was John Glenn I was in that tube calming my breathing seeing
in that tube calming my breathing seeing
in that tube calming my breathing seeing myself through it another important part
myself through it another important part
myself through it another important part of any astronaut fantasy of course is
of any astronaut fantasy of course is
of any astronaut fantasy of course is clothing in the image you see on the
clothing in the image you see on the
clothing in the image you see on the right you’ll see me as a young boy at
right you’ll see me as a young boy at
right you’ll see me as a young boy at Cape Canaveral sticking my head into a
Cape Canaveral sticking my head into a
Cape Canaveral sticking my head into a spacesuit my new spacesuit would
spacesuit my new spacesuit would
spacesuit my new spacesuit would contrast significantly with that
contrast significantly with that
contrast significantly with that spacesuit that I was wearing as a little
spacesuit that I was wearing as a little
spacesuit that I was wearing as a little boy those spacesuits are intended to
boy those spacesuits are intended to
boy those spacesuits are intended to insulate you from the outside world
insulate you from the outside world
insulate you from the outside world they’re intended to create a miniature
they’re intended to create a miniature
they’re intended to create a miniature environment within which you are
environment within which you are
environment within which you are protected from what’s on the outside
protected from what’s on the outside
protected from what’s on the outside these kinds of spacesuits are designed
these kinds of spacesuits are designed
these kinds of spacesuits are designed to make you as accessible as possible
to make you as accessible as possible
to make you as accessible as possible there’s a far greater degree of intimacy
there’s a far greater degree of intimacy
there’s a far greater degree of intimacy but this was the suit that I would wear
but this was the suit that I would wear
but this was the suit that I would wear on my journey as I blasted off
on my journey as I blasted off
on my journey as I blasted off I used the the suit for a series of
I used the the suit for a series of
I used the the suit for a series of photographs this photograph is titled
photographs this photograph is titled
photographs this photograph is titled mercury of course it takes its name from
mercury of course it takes its name from
mercury of course it takes its name from the Roman god mercury from which the
the Roman god mercury from which the
the Roman god mercury from which the first manned space mission of the United
first manned space mission of the United
first manned space mission of the United States took its name I believe that
States took its name I believe that
States took its name I believe that their name was aspirational and naming
their name was aspirational and naming
their name was aspirational and naming it that I was more interested in mercury
it that I was more interested in mercury
it that I was more interested in mercury being the bridge between the overworld
being the bridge between the overworld
being the bridge between the overworld and the underworld the ones that would
and the underworld the ones that would
and the underworld the ones that would ferry human beings from life to death
ferry human beings from life to death
ferry human beings from life to death when they died I selected a stump to
when they died I selected a stump to
when they died I selected a stump to stand on and to be out in nature
stand on and to be out in nature
stand on and to be out in nature completely exposed I’m not wearing
completely exposed I’m not wearing
completely exposed I’m not wearing anything
anything
anything that outfit the spacesuit also found its
that outfit the spacesuit also found its
that outfit the spacesuit also found its way into drawings where I was creating
way into drawings where I was creating
way into drawings where I was creating meditative works in order to process
meditative works in order to process
meditative works in order to process what it was that I was going to go
what it was that I was going to go
what it was that I was going to go through there was this interesting
through there was this interesting
through there was this interesting correspondence between being lifted up
correspondence between being lifted up
correspondence between being lifted up as if drawn away from the earth bodily
as if drawn away from the earth bodily
as if drawn away from the earth bodily in death but also this sense of
in death but also this sense of
in death but also this sense of weightlessness that sense of floating
weightlessness that sense of floating
weightlessness that sense of floating and not knowing exactly which way is up
and not knowing exactly which way is up
and not knowing exactly which way is up or down or left or right of course a
or down or left or right of course a
or down or left or right of course a significant part of any really good
significant part of any really good
significant part of any really good space fantasy centers around the
space fantasy centers around the
space fantasy centers around the vehicles I’m quite certain that these
vehicles I’m quite certain that these
vehicles I’m quite certain that these two photographs were ones that I told my
two photographs were ones that I told my
two photographs were ones that I told my mom hey mom take a picture of me in
mom hey mom take a picture of me in
mom hey mom take a picture of me in front of the spaceships it take a
front of the spaceships it take a
front of the spaceships it take a picture of me in front of the space
picture of me in front of the space
picture of me in front of the space shuttle there was a an identification
shuttle there was a an identification
shuttle there was a an identification with that and my own exploration of the
with that and my own exploration of the
with that and my own exploration of the space vehicle was one that was a bit
space vehicle was one that was a bit
space vehicle was one that was a bit more personal and meditative I began to
more personal and meditative I began to
more personal and meditative I began to recognize the Correns correspondences
recognize the Correns correspondences
recognize the Correns correspondences between the vessel which in the case of
between the vessel which in the case of
between the vessel which in the case of my own journey was my own body and these
my own journey was my own body and these
my own journey was my own body and these spacecraft which were used as the
spacecraft which were used as the
spacecraft which were used as the vessels for an astronaut journey my
vessels for an astronaut journey my
vessels for an astronaut journey my mummification of these wrapping them up
mummification of these wrapping them up
mummification of these wrapping them up in my own old white t-shirts cut up into
in my own old white t-shirts cut up into
in my own old white t-shirts cut up into strips was an important part of it and
strips was an important part of it and
strips was an important part of it and it was interesting to recognize that
it was interesting to recognize that
it was interesting to recognize that when I finished these are the mercury
when I finished these are the mercury
when I finished these are the mercury redstone rocket through the Atlas 5
redstone rocket through the Atlas 5
redstone rocket through the Atlas 5 rocket the rocket that took Alan Shepard
rocket the rocket that took Alan Shepard
rocket the rocket that took Alan Shepard up into lower Earth orbit for one moment
up into lower Earth orbit for one moment
up into lower Earth orbit for one moment and the rocket that put men on the moon
and the rocket that put men on the moon
and the rocket that put men on the moon the difference in scale is pretty
the difference in scale is pretty
the difference in scale is pretty dramatic
dramatic
dramatic they also resembled hand-dipped candles
they also resembled hand-dipped candles
they also resembled hand-dipped candles if you’ve ever seen one of those and I
if you’ve ever seen one of those and I
if you’ve ever seen one of those and I like this idea of impermanence once you
like this idea of impermanence once you
like this idea of impermanence once you light that fuse once you light that wick
light that fuse once you light that wick
light that fuse once you light that wick is going to burn down again another
is going to burn down again another
is going to burn down again another metaphor for mortality that snuck its
metaphor for mortality that snuck its
metaphor for mortality that snuck its way into the work after that first
way into the work after that first
way into the work after that first surgery I mentioned I was also making
surgery I mentioned I was also making
surgery I mentioned I was also making objects that were related to it all kind
objects that were related to it all kind
objects that were related to it all kind of preoccupied with the sudden imminence
of preoccupied with the sudden imminence
of preoccupied with the sudden imminence of death in this case a mummified form
of death in this case a mummified form
of death in this case a mummified form and type of inside of a sort of
and type of inside of a sort of
and type of inside of a sort of sarcophagus but I utilized that same
sarcophagus but I utilized that same
sarcophagus but I utilized that same wrapping and cuff
wrapping and cuff
wrapping and cuff wacks in order to work on that
wacks in order to work on that
wacks in order to work on that particular imagery this work is titled
particular imagery this work is titled
particular imagery this work is titled Jim and I another vessel another
Jim and I another vessel another
Jim and I another vessel another meditative one Jim and I was important
meditative one Jim and I was important
meditative one Jim and I was important for me because it was the first time
for me because it was the first time
for me because it was the first time that a person went into outer space with
that a person went into outer space with
that a person went into outer space with company a lot of this journey I was
company a lot of this journey I was
company a lot of this journey I was experiencing alone but I was heavily
experiencing alone but I was heavily
experiencing alone but I was heavily supported by people that surrounded me
supported by people that surrounded me
supported by people that surrounded me the heat tiles on the bottom of that
the heat tiles on the bottom of that
the heat tiles on the bottom of that sculpture that you see there that I
sculpture that you see there that I
sculpture that you see there that I don’t have a photograph of are the
don’t have a photograph of are the
don’t have a photograph of are the prayers written on slips of paper by
prayers written on slips of paper by
prayers written on slips of paper by members of my church that cut up into
members of my church that cut up into
members of my church that cut up into little squares to create that protective
little squares to create that protective
little squares to create that protective shield so to speak of course the hot rod
shield so to speak of course the hot rod
shield so to speak of course the hot rod flames were because at this point it’s
flames were because at this point it’s
flames were because at this point it’s about a week away from going into brain
about a week away from going into brain
about a week away from going into brain surgery and I was pretty much trying to
surgery and I was pretty much trying to
surgery and I was pretty much trying to put my head down and endure the whole
put my head down and endure the whole
put my head down and endure the whole thing they weren’t only objects or
thing they weren’t only objects or
thing they weren’t only objects or personal rituals that were taking place
personal rituals that were taking place
personal rituals that were taking place I was also trying to create a way to
I was also trying to create a way to
I was also trying to create a way to tell my friends and loved ones and have
tell my friends and loved ones and have
tell my friends and loved ones and have an opportunity for them to support me
an opportunity for them to support me
an opportunity for them to support me Dayton’s big haircut was one such
Dayton’s big haircut was one such
Dayton’s big haircut was one such happening I learned from my first
happening I learned from my first
happening I learned from my first surgery that when you go in for brain
surgery that when you go in for brain
surgery that when you go in for brain surgery they don’t just shave your whole
surgery they don’t just shave your whole
surgery they don’t just shave your whole head they just shave the part that they
head they just shave the part that they
head they just shave the part that they need to use you get out from brain
need to use you get out from brain
need to use you get out from brain surgery and you’ve got a terrible
surgery and you’ve got a terrible
surgery and you’ve got a terrible headache and you’re in pretty bad shape
headache and you’re in pretty bad shape
headache and you’re in pretty bad shape and you’ve got a half of the head of
and you’ve got a half of the head of
and you’ve got a half of the head of hair that you have to deal with somehow
hair that you have to deal with somehow
hair that you have to deal with somehow I decided that my bare head would be the
I decided that my bare head would be the
I decided that my bare head would be the helmet that I would wear into this
helmet that I would wear into this
helmet that I would wear into this experience and I would walk into
experience and I would walk into
experience and I would walk into Washington regional Space Center with my
Washington regional Space Center with my
Washington regional Space Center with my helmet on ready to go that nobody can
helmet on ready to go that nobody can
helmet on ready to go that nobody can mess up here’s an image it was a
mess up here’s an image it was a
mess up here’s an image it was a celebratory occasion as much as anything
celebratory occasion as much as anything
celebratory occasion as much as anything else we had beer there was great
else we had beer there was great
else we had beer there was great conversation and my good friend Alan a
conversation and my good friend Alan a
conversation and my good friend Alan a hairdresser shaved my head to the bone
hairdresser shaved my head to the bone
hairdresser shaved my head to the bone again the mortal metaphors snuck into
again the mortal metaphors snuck into
again the mortal metaphors snuck into here it felt both like being baptized or
here it felt both like being baptized or
here it felt both like being baptized or commissioned for something important I
commissioned for something important I
commissioned for something important I was about to do and being sheared for
was about to do and being sheared for
was about to do and being sheared for the slaughter both of these things were
the slaughter both of these things were
the slaughter both of these things were happening simultaneously and was a very
happening simultaneously and was a very
happening simultaneously and was a very moving
moving
moving but again centered on that space helmet
but again centered on that space helmet
but again centered on that space helmet I use the hair from that experience from
I use the hair from that experience from
I use the hair from that experience from cutting off to draw the the flames on
cutting off to draw the the flames on
cutting off to draw the the flames on the side of that part of that Gemini
the side of that part of that Gemini
the side of that part of that Gemini capsule in one sense you know lighting
capsule in one sense you know lighting
capsule in one sense you know lighting my hair on fire as i Doan to the mouth
my hair on fire as i Doan to the mouth
my hair on fire as i Doan to the mouth of the wolf so to speak the operating
of the wolf so to speak the operating
of the wolf so to speak the operating room is the least difficult part of
room is the least difficult part of
room is the least difficult part of having a space fantasy when it comes to
having a space fantasy when it comes to
having a space fantasy when it comes to brain surgery you walk into this really
brain surgery you walk into this really
brain surgery you walk into this really sci-fi setting it looks a little bit
sci-fi setting it looks a little bit
sci-fi setting it looks a little bit more like an alien abduction fantasy
more like an alien abduction fantasy
more like an alien abduction fantasy than an astronaut fantasy but it was a
than an astronaut fantasy but it was a
than an astronaut fantasy but it was a very important part of it of course it’s
very important part of it of course it’s
very important part of it of course it’s in that room that the anesthesiologist
in that room that the anesthesiologist
in that room that the anesthesiologist really proceeds over everything you get
really proceeds over everything you get
really proceeds over everything you get prepared they put a needle in your arm
prepared they put a needle in your arm
prepared they put a needle in your arm and he says count down from ten ten nine
and he says count down from ten ten nine
and he says count down from ten ten nine eight seven six five four three two one
eight seven six five four three two one
eight seven six five four three two one and then there’s a void you go away but
and then there’s a void you go away but
and then there’s a void you go away but it is that decisive moment the moment
it is that decisive moment the moment
it is that decisive moment the moment that you pass out of consciousness and
that you pass out of consciousness and
that you pass out of consciousness and hope to come back into consciousness at
hope to come back into consciousness at
hope to come back into consciousness at some point in the future in the meantime
some point in the future in the meantime
some point in the future in the meantime there’s a human being with his actual
there’s a human being with his actual
there’s a human being with his actual hands on and in your brain all of those
hands on and in your brain all of those
hands on and in your brain all of those fears sort of coalesce into that moment
fears sort of coalesce into that moment
fears sort of coalesce into that moment of the void and you experience nothing
and then you open your eyes and you
and then you open your eyes and you recognize a face in front of you you see
recognize a face in front of you you see
recognize a face in front of you you see a loved one and they have a name that
a loved one and they have a name that
a loved one and they have a name that you can recall that you can remember and
you can recall that you can remember and
you can recall that you can remember and there’s a joy that floods over you at
there’s a joy that floods over you at
there’s a joy that floods over you at the same time that your body is wracked
the same time that your body is wracked
the same time that your body is wracked with pain in a variety of different ways
with pain in a variety of different ways
with pain in a variety of different ways I noted of course the headache that I
I noted of course the headache that I
I noted of course the headache that I had which is not surprising after having
had which is not surprising after having
had which is not surprising after having brain surgery but it also led me to one
brain surgery but it also led me to one
brain surgery but it also led me to one of the two most important takeaways from
of the two most important takeaways from
of the two most important takeaways from this from this experience one of those
this from this experience one of those
this from this experience one of those is that this is the greatest cup of
is that this is the greatest cup of
is that this is the greatest cup of coffee that was ever brewed in the
coffee that was ever brewed in the
coffee that was ever brewed in the history of human
history of human
history of human kind because caffeine withdrawal
kind because caffeine withdrawal
kind because caffeine withdrawal headaches mixed with brain surgery
headaches mixed with brain surgery
headaches mixed with brain surgery headaches do not feel very good at all
headaches do not feel very good at all
headaches do not feel very good at all that cup of our sega’s coffee saved my
that cup of our sega’s coffee saved my
that cup of our sega’s coffee saved my life and was as good as any of the
life and was as good as any of the
life and was as good as any of the exotic drugs that I was on at the time I
exotic drugs that I was on at the time I
exotic drugs that I was on at the time I really appreciated that particular cup
really appreciated that particular cup
really appreciated that particular cup of coffee but I think the main takeaway
of coffee but I think the main takeaway
of coffee but I think the main takeaway from it the that passing through this
from it the that passing through this
from it the that passing through this elaborate astronaut fantasy in order to
elaborate astronaut fantasy in order to
elaborate astronaut fantasy in order to help me grapple with the fear really
help me grapple with the fear really
help me grapple with the fear really boiled down to the fact that the purpose
boiled down to the fact that the purpose
boiled down to the fact that the purpose of this mission while I hope to go to
of this mission while I hope to go to
of this mission while I hope to go to outer space and leave this payload up
outer space and leave this payload up
outer space and leave this payload up there my real goal was returning back to
there my real goal was returning back to
there my real goal was returning back to Earth that being an astronaut in this
Earth that being an astronaut in this
Earth that being an astronaut in this case was really all about being an
case was really all about being an
case was really all about being an earthling and hoping to return to being
earthling and hoping to return to being
earthling and hoping to return to being an earthling to be to see my loved ones
an earthling to be to see my loved ones
an earthling to be to see my loved ones again of course to get the big thumbs up
again of course to get the big thumbs up
again of course to get the big thumbs up mission accomplished for my kids and my
mission accomplished for my kids and my
mission accomplished for my kids and my wife thank you very much for listening
wife thank you very much for listening
wife thank you very much for listening [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] you
”
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