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you are so fat I hate this body you’re
you are so fat I hate this body you’re such an idiot how could you be so stupid
it’s a little embarrassing for me to
it’s a little embarrassing for me to have you listening to the thoughts in my
have you listening to the thoughts in my
have you listening to the thoughts in my head but my thoughts are with me all the
head but my thoughts are with me all the
head but my thoughts are with me all the time when I’m meeting someone new when
time when I’m meeting someone new when
time when I’m meeting someone new when I’m with an old friend when I’m standing
I’m with an old friend when I’m standing
I’m with an old friend when I’m standing in front of you on the Ted stage and
in front of you on the Ted stage and
in front of you on the Ted stage and when my thoughts talked to me like that
when my thoughts talked to me like that
when my thoughts talked to me like that I feel awful I get this knot in the pit
I feel awful I get this knot in the pit
I feel awful I get this knot in the pit of my stomach my throat begins to shut
of my stomach my throat begins to shut
of my stomach my throat begins to shut down and I just want to disappear and I
down and I just want to disappear and I
down and I just want to disappear and I feel like I’m about that’s Tom do you
feel like I’m about that’s Tom do you
feel like I’m about that’s Tom do you have voices yeah
have voices yeah
have voices yeah deers talk to you like that in a few
deers talk to you like that in a few
deers talk to you like that in a few minutes I’m gonna ask you to consider
minutes I’m gonna ask you to consider
minutes I’m gonna ask you to consider changing your perspective one of the
changing your perspective one of the
changing your perspective one of the hardest things I think there ever is to
hardest things I think there ever is to
hardest things I think there ever is to do it is a challenge I give myself every
do it is a challenge I give myself every
do it is a challenge I give myself every day and some days I’m better at it than
day and some days I’m better at it than
day and some days I’m better at it than others but I can tell you from
others but I can tell you from
others but I can tell you from experience that if it’s something you’re
experience that if it’s something you’re
experience that if it’s something you’re willing to consider doing and just step
willing to consider doing and just step
willing to consider doing and just step into it is the very best thing you can
into it is the very best thing you can
into it is the very best thing you can ever do for yourself in my work as an
ever do for yourself in my work as an
ever do for yourself in my work as an image and presence coach and consultant
image and presence coach and consultant
image and presence coach and consultant I have the opportunity to work with
I have the opportunity to work with
I have the opportunity to work with amazing beautiful brilliant women
amazing beautiful brilliant women
amazing beautiful brilliant women hundreds of them all ages all roles
hundreds of them all ages all roles
hundreds of them all ages all roles different circumstances and situations
different circumstances and situations
different circumstances and situations and it’s so interesting to me because
and it’s so interesting to me because
and it’s so interesting to me because they’re so different but there’s always
they’re so different but there’s always
they’re so different but there’s always one consistent thing that I can count on
one consistent thing that I can count on
one consistent thing that I can count on with each of them and that is every
with each of them and that is every
with each of them and that is every single one of them will have something
single one of them will have something
single one of them will have something critical to say about herself they push
critical to say about herself they push
critical to say about herself they push and they prod and they poke and they got
and they prod and they poke and they got
and they prod and they poke and they got too much of this no not enough of that
too much of this no not enough of that
too much of this no not enough of that but they always have multiple things to
but they always have multiple things to
but they always have multiple things to say about themselves they don’t
say about themselves they don’t
say about themselves they don’t like they don’t think they’re enough
like they don’t think they’re enough
like they don’t think they’re enough Glamour magazine did a study in their
Glamour magazine did a study in their
Glamour magazine did a study in their readership and what they discovered was
readership and what they discovered was
readership and what they discovered was that 97% of women will say at least one
that 97% of women will say at least one
that 97% of women will say at least one mean thing to themselves about
mean thing to themselves about
mean thing to themselves about themselves every day and the average was
themselves every day and the average was
themselves every day and the average was closer to 15 15 things that we say to
closer to 15 15 things that we say to
closer to 15 15 things that we say to ourselves to be mean to ourselves
ourselves to be mean to ourselves
ourselves to be mean to ourselves the other interesting thing to me in
the other interesting thing to me in
the other interesting thing to me in working with these women is that we all
working with these women is that we all
working with these women is that we all have a need to call it out to make sure
have a need to call it out to make sure
have a need to call it out to make sure that I say it before you see it I do it
that I say it before you see it I do it
that I say it before you see it I do it all the time I catch myself someone will
all the time I catch myself someone will
all the time I catch myself someone will say teen you look great today and I will
say teen you look great today and I will
say teen you look great today and I will say oh look at these bags under my eyes
say oh look at these bags under my eyes
say oh look at these bags under my eyes and do you know I spent a whole minute
and do you know I spent a whole minute
and do you know I spent a whole minute in the mirror this morning trying to get
in the mirror this morning trying to get
in the mirror this morning trying to get this spot off my face and then I
this spot off my face and then I
this spot off my face and then I realized it’s a new age spot it is
realized it’s a new age spot it is
realized it’s a new age spot it is interesting that things that we do to
interesting that things that we do to
interesting that things that we do to ourselves so I really decided to get to
ourselves so I really decided to get to
ourselves so I really decided to get to the bottom of this where does this come
the bottom of this where does this come
the bottom of this where does this come from why do we do this to ourselves it’s
from why do we do this to ourselves it’s
from why do we do this to ourselves it’s easy for us to look at the media and
easy for us to look at the media and
easy for us to look at the media and blame them and there’s a lot of that
blame them and there’s a lot of that
blame them and there’s a lot of that happening these days and it’s absolutely
happening these days and it’s absolutely
happening these days and it’s absolutely true that in the images that they
true that in the images that they
true that in the images that they present to us where there are only 5% of
present to us where there are only 5% of
present to us where there are only 5% of women that we see ourselves the other
women that we see ourselves the other
women that we see ourselves the other 95% of us we don’t see ourselves at all
95% of us we don’t see ourselves at all
95% of us we don’t see ourselves at all in those images so there are a lot of
in those images so there are a lot of
in those images so there are a lot of movements toward body acceptance and I
movements toward body acceptance and I
movements toward body acceptance and I fully support those I think those are
fully support those I think those are
fully support those I think those are wonderful we’re hearing more and more
wonderful we’re hearing more and more
wonderful we’re hearing more and more about them but I need to say for me
about them but I need to say for me
about them but I need to say for me there’s something about that word
there’s something about that word
there’s something about that word acceptance the cast sticks in my craw a
acceptance the cast sticks in my craw a
acceptance the cast sticks in my craw a little bit the definition of acceptance
little bit the definition of acceptance
little bit the definition of acceptance is the perception of being adequate know
is the perception of being adequate know
is the perception of being adequate know about you but adequate to me feels kind
about you but adequate to me feels kind
about you but adequate to me feels kind of flat telling oh yeah you know if I
of flat telling oh yeah you know if I
of flat telling oh yeah you know if I can’t have anything better I guess I’ll
can’t have anything better I guess I’ll
can’t have anything better I guess I’ll accept it I think there has to be
accept it I think there has to be
accept it I think there has to be something more
so it’s interesting because when we
so it’s interesting because when we begin to look at where these thoughts in
begin to look at where these thoughts in
begin to look at where these thoughts in our head come from I think the majority
our head come from I think the majority
our head come from I think the majority they come from the voices in our heads
they come from the voices in our heads
they come from the voices in our heads and our voices come from our experiences
and our voices come from our experiences
and our voices come from our experiences now I don’t mean to minimize the
now I don’t mean to minimize the
now I don’t mean to minimize the complexity of this because there are
complexity of this because there are
complexity of this because there are hundreds and hundreds of experiences
hundreds and hundreds of experiences
hundreds and hundreds of experiences that create these voices in our heads I
that create these voices in our heads I
that create these voices in our heads I was breaking up with a man and the man
was breaking up with a man and the man
was breaking up with a man and the man died was ending their relationship with
died was ending their relationship with
died was ending their relationship with said horrible mean terrible abusive
said horrible mean terrible abusive
said horrible mean terrible abusive things to me about how ugly I was and
things to me about how ugly I was and
things to me about how ugly I was and how what a horrible person I was and how
how what a horrible person I was and how
how what a horrible person I was and how I didn’t deserve him and my logical
I didn’t deserve him and my logical
I didn’t deserve him and my logical brain said see he’s this is why you do
brain said see he’s this is why you do
brain said see he’s this is why you do not need to be in this relationship he
not need to be in this relationship he
not need to be in this relationship he is not good for you and you did not
is not good for you and you did not
is not good for you and you did not deserve this there was this little tiny
deserve this there was this little tiny
deserve this there was this little tiny part of me way deep inside that heard
part of me way deep inside that heard
part of me way deep inside that heard him and believed every word he said and
him and believed every word he said and
him and believed every word he said and it’s the same part of me that believed
it’s the same part of me that believed
it’s the same part of me that believed my ex-husband when he told me I could
my ex-husband when he told me I could
my ex-husband when he told me I could lose a few pounds to look better and
lose a few pounds to look better and
lose a few pounds to look better and believed my college boyfriend when he
believed my college boyfriend when he
believed my college boyfriend when he said I’d be prettier if I were blonde
said I’d be prettier if I were blonde
said I’d be prettier if I were blonde and believed my mother when she when I
and believed my mother when she when I
and believed my mother when she when I was in that terrible puberty stage when
was in that terrible puberty stage when
was in that terrible puberty stage when she called me her ugly duckling and a
she called me her ugly duckling and a
she called me her ugly duckling and a hundred other experiences that
hundred other experiences that
hundred other experiences that contributed to that little place and
contributed to that little place and
contributed to that little place and that little place inside of me I call
that little place inside of me I call
that little place inside of me I call her Drusilla because she’s my mean
her Drusilla because she’s my mean
her Drusilla because she’s my mean stepsister
stepsister
stepsister Drusilla remembers every word that was
Drusilla remembers every word that was
Drusilla remembers every word that was said and she repeats it to me regularly
said and she repeats it to me regularly
said and she repeats it to me regularly she shows up all the time so we have
she shows up all the time so we have
she shows up all the time so we have these voices in her head Drucilla’s
these voices in her head Drucilla’s
these voices in her head Drucilla’s talking in my head all the time over and
talking in my head all the time over and
talking in my head all the time over and over and we play these tapes and we play
over and we play these tapes and we play
over and we play these tapes and we play them and we begin to believe them and it
them and we begin to believe them and it
them and we begin to believe them and it impacts our perception of ourself there
impacts our perception of ourself there
impacts our perception of ourself there is a study that was done published in
is a study that was done published in
is a study that was done published in the journal
the journal
the journal personality and social psychology
personality and social psychology
personality and social psychology published in 2015 and what they
published in 2015 and what they
published in 2015 and what they discovered was that in every country in
discovered was that in every country in
discovered was that in every country in the world women have lower self-esteem
the world women have lower self-esteem
the world women have lower self-esteem than men but here’s what’s fascinating
than men but here’s what’s fascinating
than men but here’s what’s fascinating about this research the more
about this research the more
about this research the more industrialized a country is the wider
industrialized a country is the wider
industrialized a country is the wider the gap between how little women think
the gap between how little women think
the gap between how little women think of themselves and how highly men think
of themselves and how highly men think
of themselves and how highly men think of themselves what is wrong with that
of themselves what is wrong with that
of themselves what is wrong with that the more educated we are the less we
the more educated we are the less we
the more educated we are the less we think of ourselves so our self
think of ourselves so our self
think of ourselves so our self perception impacts how we show up in the
perception impacts how we show up in the
perception impacts how we show up in the world that begins to erode our
world that begins to erode our
world that begins to erode our self-confidence our self-esteem and it
self-confidence our self-esteem and it
self-confidence our self-esteem and it impacts our powerful ability to show up
impacts our powerful ability to show up
impacts our powerful ability to show up the price tag that we are paying for
the price tag that we are paying for
the price tag that we are paying for this is a really high one there are a
this is a really high one there are a
this is a really high one there are a couple pieces of research that I’d like
couple pieces of research that I’d like
couple pieces of research that I’d like to additionally share with you just to
to additionally share with you just to
to additionally share with you just to talk about the price tag that we are
talk about the price tag that we are
talk about the price tag that we are paying for maintaining this self
paying for maintaining this self
paying for maintaining this self perception the first one published in
perception the first one published in
perception the first one published in the Journal of economic psychology in
the Journal of economic psychology in
the Journal of economic psychology in 2011 talks about the impact of
2011 talks about the impact of
2011 talks about the impact of self-esteem on earnings what they
self-esteem on earnings what they
self-esteem on earnings what they discovered in this research is that
discovered in this research is that
discovered in this research is that self-esteem the character trait of
self-esteem the character trait of
self-esteem the character trait of self-esteem has equal if not greater
self-esteem has equal if not greater
self-esteem has equal if not greater impact than education and skill level on
impact than education and skill level on
impact than education and skill level on our earnings in other words our low
our earnings in other words our low
our earnings in other words our low self-esteem is directly impacting our
self-esteem is directly impacting our
self-esteem is directly impacting our pocketbook well I don’t like that very
pocketbook well I don’t like that very
pocketbook well I don’t like that very much I don’t know about you the second
much I don’t know about you the second
much I don’t know about you the second piece of research that I want to share
piece of research that I want to share
piece of research that I want to share with you has to do with self-esteem in
with you has to do with self-esteem in
with you has to do with self-esteem in relationships
relationships
relationships this one published in the Journal of
this one published in the Journal of
this one published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in
Personality and Social Psychology in
Personality and Social Psychology in 2013 talks about the impact of low
2013 talks about the impact of low
2013 talks about the impact of low self-esteem when you’re in relationship
self-esteem when you’re in relationship
self-esteem when you’re in relationship with someone whether it’s your partner
with someone whether it’s your partner
with someone whether it’s your partner whether it’s another person but people
whether it’s another person but people
whether it’s another person but people with low self-esteem
with low self-esteem
with low self-esteem put that on other people so we begin to
put that on other people so we begin to
put that on other people so we begin to project what we see is our imperfections
project what we see is our imperfections
project what we see is our imperfections on that other person and we tend to live
on that other person and we tend to live
on that other person and we tend to live in a really black-and-white world
in a really black-and-white world
in a really black-and-white world the relationship is either good or bad I
the relationship is either good or bad I
the relationship is either good or bad I would attest I would be willing to bet
would attest I would be willing to bet
would attest I would be willing to bet that my ex-husband would attest to the
that my ex-husband would attest to the
that my ex-husband would attest to the fact that the standards I set for our
fact that the standards I set for our
fact that the standards I set for our relationship were ones that neither one
relationship were ones that neither one
relationship were ones that neither one of us could live up to so I really began
of us could live up to so I really began
of us could live up to so I really began to look at the price that I personally
to look at the price that I personally
to look at the price that I personally was paying to maintain this level of
was paying to maintain this level of
was paying to maintain this level of self-esteem for myself and I think I
self-esteem for myself and I think I
self-esteem for myself and I think I really had to face some serious facts
really had to face some serious facts
really had to face some serious facts about the fact business opportunities
about the fact business opportunities
about the fact business opportunities that I have not pursued because Drusilla
that I have not pursued because Drusilla
that I have not pursued because Drusilla told me I was not smart and I was not
told me I was not smart and I was not
told me I was not smart and I was not capable enough for them and
capable enough for them and
capable enough for them and relationships that I have not been
relationships that I have not been
relationships that I have not been willing to step into because Drusilla
willing to step into because Drusilla
willing to step into because Drusilla told me I was ugly and stupid and they
told me I was ugly and stupid and they
told me I was ugly and stupid and they wouldn’t want me that makes me sad to
wouldn’t want me that makes me sad to
wouldn’t want me that makes me sad to think about and I decided to choose no
think about and I decided to choose no
think about and I decided to choose no more this low self-esteem that I have
more this low self-esteem that I have
more this low self-esteem that I have created for myself no more so I began to
created for myself no more so I began to
created for myself no more so I began to look at what are the things that perhaps
look at what are the things that perhaps
look at what are the things that perhaps I could do to maybe shift that and I
I could do to maybe shift that and I
I could do to maybe shift that and I have a couple of ideas things that I’ve
have a couple of ideas things that I’ve
have a couple of ideas things that I’ve been playing with that I’d like to
been playing with that I’d like to
been playing with that I’d like to present suggest to you the first one has
present suggest to you the first one has
present suggest to you the first one has to do with our bodies and how we
to do with our bodies and how we
to do with our bodies and how we perceive our bodies so what if more than
perceive our bodies so what if more than
perceive our bodies so what if more than body acceptance we moved into body
body acceptance we moved into body
body acceptance we moved into body integration what if our bodies are our
integration what if our bodies are our
integration what if our bodies are our teachers our partners
teachers our partners
teachers our partners what if our bodies are the way we get to
what if our bodies are the way we get to
what if our bodies are the way we get to show our giftedness to the world so as
show our giftedness to the world so as
show our giftedness to the world so as an example my wrinkly gold eyes are wise
an example my wrinkly gold eyes are wise
an example my wrinkly gold eyes are wise and perceptive and seeing the brilliance
and perceptive and seeing the brilliance
and perceptive and seeing the brilliance in other people and the brilliance of me
in other people and the brilliance of me
in other people and the brilliance of me and my expanding waistline is just a
and my expanding waistline is just a
and my expanding waistline is just a demonstration of the comfort level that
demonstration of the comfort level that
demonstration of the comfort level that I am developing with other people
I am developing with other people
I am developing with other people I can it is integration it is more than
I can it is integration it is more than
I can it is integration it is more than acceptance it’s only what we have and
acceptance it’s only what we have and
acceptance it’s only what we have and the gifts that we bring and how we show
the gifts that we bring and how we show
the gifts that we bring and how we show up in the world the second idea that I
up in the world the second idea that I
up in the world the second idea that I have is about those voices now I’m
have is about those voices now I’m
have is about those voices now I’m really clear
really clear
really clear Jers illa has set up permanent residence
Jers illa has set up permanent residence
Jers illa has set up permanent residence in my head and she’s not going anywhere
in my head and she’s not going anywhere
in my head and she’s not going anywhere so rather than try to evict her which
so rather than try to evict her which
so rather than try to evict her which I’ve tried multiple times doesn’t work
I’ve tried multiple times doesn’t work
I’ve tried multiple times doesn’t work very well I brought in a roommate
very well I brought in a roommate
very well I brought in a roommate [Laughter]
Jacqueline is my strong powerful
Jacqueline is my strong powerful courageous woman she is me at my
courageous woman she is me at my
courageous woman she is me at my brilliant best and so now rather than
brilliant best and so now rather than
brilliant best and so now rather than having a monologue in my head we have
having a monologue in my head we have
having a monologue in my head we have dialogues so Jews Phyllis says you’re
dialogues so Jews Phyllis says you’re
dialogues so Jews Phyllis says you’re such an idiot and Jacqueline says look
such an idiot and Jacqueline says look
such an idiot and Jacqueline says look at what a wonderful role model you are
at what a wonderful role model you are
at what a wonderful role model you are at recovering quickly from mistakes and
at recovering quickly from mistakes and
at recovering quickly from mistakes and Drusilla says up look at your flabby
Drusilla says up look at your flabby
Drusilla says up look at your flabby chin and how your face is just sagging
chin and how your face is just sagging
chin and how your face is just sagging as you get older and Jacqueline says
as you get older and Jacqueline says
as you get older and Jacqueline says look at how wonderfully you have
look at how wonderfully you have
look at how wonderfully you have softened your need for perfectionism
softened your need for perfectionism
softened your need for perfectionism [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] Drusilla says look at those back wings
Drusilla says look at those back wings
Drusilla says look at those back wings and Jacqueline says all the better to
and Jacqueline says all the better to
and Jacqueline says all the better to fly I do look and how beautiful you look
fly I do look and how beautiful you look
fly I do look and how beautiful you look in that gorgeous color you really made a
in that gorgeous color you really made a
in that gorgeous color you really made a difference in her life good job
you’re a bright light living out your
you’re a bright light living out your purpose I’m so proud of you I refuse any
purpose I’m so proud of you I refuse any
purpose I’m so proud of you I refuse any longer to live in the shadow of my own
longer to live in the shadow of my own
longer to live in the shadow of my own creation of not good enough itis it is
creation of not good enough itis it is
creation of not good enough itis it is not worth it I really hope you’ll join
not worth it I really hope you’ll join
not worth it I really hope you’ll join me
you
you [Music]
”
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