have you ever felt compelled to lay your soul bear to tell complete strangers
soul bear to tell complete strangers
soul bear to tell complete strangers things about yourself
things about yourself
things about yourself the conjure up immense feelings of shame
the conjure up immense feelings of shame
the conjure up immense feelings of shame I’m guessing most of you it’s nor and
I’m guessing most of you it’s nor and
I’m guessing most of you it’s nor and why would you right how about when it
why would you right how about when it
why would you right how about when it got to the point in your life but those
got to the point in your life but those
got to the point in your life but those feelings of shame give you no peace they
feelings of shame give you no peace they
feelings of shame give you no peace they paralyze you they affect your every
paralyze you they affect your every
paralyze you they affect your every thought they keep you away from your
thought they keep you away from your
thought they keep you away from your dreams your aspirations your friends
dreams your aspirations your friends
dreams your aspirations your friends your family and yourself
your family and yourself
your family and yourself there is no acceptance of who you are or
there is no acceptance of who you are or
there is no acceptance of who you are or who you want to become what do you do
who you want to become what do you do
who you want to become what do you do then and how do you free yourself from
then and how do you free yourself from
then and how do you free yourself from that I recently came to ask myself a
that I recently came to ask myself a
that I recently came to ask myself a different question a question that
different question a question that
different question a question that rocked me to my core and a walk a part
rocked me to my core and a walk a part
rocked me to my core and a walk a part of me that I’ve long forgotten what if I
of me that I’ve long forgotten what if I
of me that I’ve long forgotten what if I showed up in life as who I truly am
showed up in life as who I truly am
showed up in life as who I truly am despite those fears of shame let me
despite those fears of shame let me
despite those fears of shame let me begin with this picture-perfect life
begin with this picture-perfect life
begin with this picture-perfect life that I’d created for myself I’m married
that I’d created for myself I’m married
that I’d created for myself I’m married to an amazing man have two beautiful
to an amazing man have two beautiful
to an amazing man have two beautiful children a successful career our own
children a successful career our own
children a successful career our own home great friends of everything I need
home great friends of everything I need
home great friends of everything I need a life right up my feet but instead of
a life right up my feet but instead of
a life right up my feet but instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment I’m
feeling a sense of accomplishment I’m
feeling a sense of accomplishment I’m left feeling empty and alone inside I
left feeling empty and alone inside I
left feeling empty and alone inside I would look in the mirror not recognize a
would look in the mirror not recognize a
would look in the mirror not recognize a person looking back at me and tell
person looking back at me and tell
person looking back at me and tell myself how I didn’t deserve this
myself how I didn’t deserve this
myself how I didn’t deserve this beautiful life of mine you see we all
beautiful life of mine you see we all
beautiful life of mine you see we all have this voice this feeling inside of
have this voice this feeling inside of
have this voice this feeling inside of us that guides us that tells us when
us that guides us that tells us when
us that guides us that tells us when we’re on the right path and when we’re
we’re on the right path and when we’re
we’re on the right path and when we’re not four years had become an expert at
not four years had become an expert at
not four years had become an expert at numbing that voice it started with an
numbing that voice it started with an
numbing that voice it started with an occasional drink that
occasional drink that
occasional drink that turned into a bottle or two or three
turned into a bottle or two or three
turned into a bottle or two or three anything to keep that voice a mute
anything to keep that voice a mute
anything to keep that voice a mute alcohol for me was my way of numbing
alcohol for me was my way of numbing
alcohol for me was my way of numbing those feelings that all was not well
those feelings that all was not well
those feelings that all was not well despite these poor choices I was me I
despite these poor choices I was me I
despite these poor choices I was me I never once thought that what I was doing
never once thought that what I was doing
never once thought that what I was doing was anything other than normal behavior
was anything other than normal behavior
was anything other than normal behavior after all we all like a drink every now
after all we all like a drink every now
after all we all like a drink every now and again right for me it wasn’t just a
and again right for me it wasn’t just a
and again right for me it wasn’t just a drink every now and again it was a same
drink every now and again it was a same
drink every now and again it was a same old story I would wake up in the morning
old story I would wake up in the morning
old story I would wake up in the morning feeling ashamed and angry there is once
feeling ashamed and angry there is once
feeling ashamed and angry there is once again hangover I spend my days trying to
again hangover I spend my days trying to
again hangover I spend my days trying to hold myself together hoping nobody would
hold myself together hoping nobody would
hold myself together hoping nobody would recognize my disheveled self all the
recognize my disheveled self all the
recognize my disheveled self all the time I would tell myself tonight is a
time I would tell myself tonight is a
time I would tell myself tonight is a night nor more drinking only to find
night nor more drinking only to find
night nor more drinking only to find myself with a wine glass in hand by 5:00
myself with a wine glass in hand by 5:00
myself with a wine glass in hand by 5:00 p.m. and so the cycle continued then one
p.m. and so the cycle continued then one
p.m. and so the cycle continued then one morning I found myself saw hangover that
morning I found myself saw hangover that
morning I found myself saw hangover that I was vomiting into a plastic bag
I was vomiting into a plastic bag
I was vomiting into a plastic bag sitting in my car at my children’s kindy
having reached a new low I started to
having reached a new low I started to ask myself some hard questions what was
ask myself some hard questions what was
ask myself some hard questions what was really going on here I started to think
really going on here I started to think
really going on here I started to think about the number of times I would wake
about the number of times I would wake
about the number of times I would wake in the men head pounding feeling sick to
in the men head pounding feeling sick to
in the men head pounding feeling sick to my stomach thinking how am I gonna get
my stomach thinking how am I gonna get
my stomach thinking how am I gonna get out of bed let alone get myself to work
out of bed let alone get myself to work
out of bed let alone get myself to work why was i choosing to drink well
why was i choosing to drink well
why was i choosing to drink well I later learned that it was because I
I later learned that it was because I
I later learned that it was because I was hiding a huge part of myself from
was hiding a huge part of myself from
was hiding a huge part of myself from the world all because of a fear of
the world all because of a fear of
the world all because of a fear of judgment from others but
judgment from others but
judgment from others but had the story even come from one memory
had the story even come from one memory
had the story even come from one memory stuck out the most when I was fifteen my
stuck out the most when I was fifteen my
stuck out the most when I was fifteen my best friend came out as being gay living
best friend came out as being gay living
best friend came out as being gay living in a small town in Wales being gay at
in a small town in Wales being gay at
in a small town in Wales being gay at that time wasn’t exactly the thing that
that time wasn’t exactly the thing that
that time wasn’t exactly the thing that you did
you did
you did which meant I spent most of my days to
which meant I spent most of my days to
which meant I spent most of my days to fend in his right to be who he was one
fend in his right to be who he was one
fend in his right to be who he was one day a parent turned to me and said all
day a parent turned to me and said all
day a parent turned to me and said all birds of a feather flock together it was
birds of a feather flock together it was
birds of a feather flock together it was just a sentence but it was delivered
just a sentence but it was delivered
just a sentence but it was delivered with such disgust and disdain that a
with such disgust and disdain that a
with such disgust and disdain that a wave of shame
wave of shame
wave of shame came over me the feeling that taste
came over me the feeling that taste
came over me the feeling that taste stuck a story was formed owning who you
stuck a story was formed owning who you
stuck a story was formed owning who you are
are
are equals judgment and judgment equals
equals judgment and judgment equals
equals judgment and judgment equals shame just be Noble and that’s what I
shame just be Noble and that’s what I
shame just be Noble and that’s what I did from that day on for 17 years of my
did from that day on for 17 years of my
did from that day on for 17 years of my life I lived a life that I thought was
life I lived a life that I thought was
life I lived a life that I thought was normal so they would never have to feel
normal so they would never have to feel
normal so they would never have to feel that way again
three years ago the power of those words
three years ago the power of those words began to fade as at the age of 32 I
began to fade as at the age of 32 I
began to fade as at the age of 32 I finally discovered and accepted that I
finally discovered and accepted that I
finally discovered and accepted that I am gay I now know that I’m living a lie
am gay I now know that I’m living a lie
am gay I now know that I’m living a lie that I’m unhappy and that I can’t go on
that I’m unhappy and that I can’t go on
that I’m unhappy and that I can’t go on like this
like this
like this I know what needs to be done but it is
I know what needs to be done but it is
I know what needs to be done but it is so scary that I’m right back to being a
so scary that I’m right back to being a
so scary that I’m right back to being a 15 year old again I can taste the shame
15 year old again I can taste the shame
15 year old again I can taste the shame and I could feel the judgment already
and I could feel the judgment already
and I could feel the judgment already but I stop and I ask myself what lesson
but I stop and I ask myself what lesson
but I stop and I ask myself what lesson am i teaching my children if I can’t
am i teaching my children if I can’t
am i teaching my children if I can’t show up in life as who I meant to be I
show up in life as who I meant to be I
show up in life as who I meant to be I can and I will no longer be ashamed of
can and I will no longer be ashamed of
can and I will no longer be ashamed of Who I am
as I leave my marriage I break up a
as I leave my marriage I break up a beautiful family and I hurt those
beautiful family and I hurt those
beautiful family and I hurt those closest to me it took me a long time to
closest to me it took me a long time to
closest to me it took me a long time to forgive myself for the hurt that I’d
forgive myself for the hurt that I’d
forgive myself for the hurt that I’d caused for what I couldn’t ignore was
caused for what I couldn’t ignore was
caused for what I couldn’t ignore was after accepting my sexuality I was
after accepting my sexuality I was
after accepting my sexuality I was finally comfortable in my own skin I
finally comfortable in my own skin I
finally comfortable in my own skin I made myself a promise there couldn’t be
made myself a promise there couldn’t be
made myself a promise there couldn’t be any more numbing alcohol had already
any more numbing alcohol had already
any more numbing alcohol had already robbed me of enough I started to finally
robbed me of enough I started to finally
robbed me of enough I started to finally be bold make my own decisions and
be bold make my own decisions and
be bold make my own decisions and embrace me I quit my six-figure salary
embrace me I quit my six-figure salary
embrace me I quit my six-figure salary for the unknown picked up exciting new
for the unknown picked up exciting new
for the unknown picked up exciting new projects and pursued new relationships I
projects and pursued new relationships I
projects and pursued new relationships I was winning I had reached my destination
was winning I had reached my destination
was winning I had reached my destination screw you shame
screw you shame
screw you shame there was no destination my reality was
there was no destination my reality was
there was no destination my reality was that alcohol had become more than just
that alcohol had become more than just
that alcohol had become more than just something I once used to numb those
something I once used to numb those
something I once used to numb those feelings that all was not well as it was
feelings that all was not well as it was
feelings that all was not well as it was now fully ingrained in my life even at
now fully ingrained in my life even at
now fully ingrained in my life even at this point alcohol still had ahold of me
this point alcohol still had ahold of me
this point alcohol still had ahold of me it was my greatest source of shame and
it was my greatest source of shame and
it was my greatest source of shame and was about to become my biggest challenge
was about to become my biggest challenge
was about to become my biggest challenge yet I started to think about the
yet I started to think about the
yet I started to think about the possibility that I was addicted to
possibility that I was addicted to
possibility that I was addicted to alcohol but those people were weak
alcohol but those people were weak
alcohol but those people were weak weren’t they they’d lost everything
weren’t they they’d lost everything
weren’t they they’d lost everything because of alcohol I had my life sorted
because of alcohol I had my life sorted
because of alcohol I had my life sorted right great new job new home happy kids
right great new job new home happy kids
right great new job new home happy kids I was finally living a life that I
I was finally living a life that I
I was finally living a life that I wanted not who I thought was acceptable
wanted not who I thought was acceptable
wanted not who I thought was acceptable to others but the pure thought of life
to others but the pure thought of life
to others but the pure thought of life without alcohol terrified me I couldn’t
without alcohol terrified me I couldn’t
without alcohol terrified me I couldn’t even father met and so it took a string
even father met and so it took a string
even father met and so it took a string of drunken incidents
of drunken incidents
of drunken incidents small injuries and new lows for me to
small injuries and new lows for me to
small injuries and new lows for me to come to the realization that if I didn’t
come to the realization that if I didn’t
come to the realization that if I didn’t wake up boom and deal with this then I
wake up boom and deal with this then I
wake up boom and deal with this then I was just existing in life and I had not
was just existing in life and I had not
was just existing in life and I had not come this far to just exist in life as
come this far to just exist in life as
come this far to just exist in life as soon as I started to accept that I was
soon as I started to accept that I was
soon as I started to accept that I was addicted to alcohol a shift happened
addicted to alcohol a shift happened
addicted to alcohol a shift happened inside of me I felt stronger I felt that
inside of me I felt stronger I felt that
inside of me I felt stronger I felt that I could rewrite this story I’ve swapped
I could rewrite this story I’ve swapped
I could rewrite this story I’ve swapped hangovers for climbing mountains and far
hangovers for climbing mountains and far
hangovers for climbing mountains and far healthier emotionally and physically I’m
healthier emotionally and physically I’m
healthier emotionally and physically I’m a better role model for my children and
a better role model for my children and
a better role model for my children and I have boundless energy to take on new
I have boundless energy to take on new
I have boundless energy to take on new adventures I’m finally embracing all of
adventures I’m finally embracing all of
adventures I’m finally embracing all of me the good the bad and the somewhat
me the good the bad and the somewhat
me the good the bad and the somewhat ugly now I can look in the mirror and I
ugly now I can look in the mirror and I
ugly now I can look in the mirror and I like what I see what I did discover when
like what I see what I did discover when
like what I see what I did discover when I started to share my story with others
I started to share my story with others
I started to share my story with others and share the things that once brought
and share the things that once brought
and share the things that once brought me a great deal of shame and kept me
me a great deal of shame and kept me
me a great deal of shame and kept me down and back in life but instead of a
down and back in life but instead of a
down and back in life but instead of a judgement that I’d come to expect I in
judgement that I’d come to expect I in
judgement that I’d come to expect I in fact received love and support
fact received love and support
fact received love and support conversation after conversation I
conversation after conversation I
conversation after conversation I discovered that more and more of us are
discovered that more and more of us are
discovered that more and more of us are living a life that’s not true to
living a life that’s not true to
living a life that’s not true to ourselves and are using something to
ourselves and are using something to
ourselves and are using something to help numb that to make it okay I was and
help numb that to make it okay I was and
help numb that to make it okay I was and I’m still not alone now what do I have
I’m still not alone now what do I have
I’m still not alone now what do I have to share from this journey of mine so
to share from this journey of mine so
to share from this journey of mine so far firstly listen to that voice or that
far firstly listen to that voice or that
far firstly listen to that voice or that feeling don’t ignore it for as long as I
feeling don’t ignore it for as long as I
feeling don’t ignore it for as long as I did sometimes might be hard but it’s
did sometimes might be hard but it’s
did sometimes might be hard but it’s even harder to live a life of pretense
even harder to live a life of pretense
even harder to live a life of pretense believe me I know
be kind to yourself accept that you’re
be kind to yourself accept that you’re human you make mistakes and that it’s ok
get support that was by far the hardest
get support that was by far the hardest the most challenging thing that I had to
the most challenging thing that I had to
the most challenging thing that I had to do was to reach out to those around me
do was to reach out to those around me
do was to reach out to those around me and openly ask for that support but I
and openly ask for that support but I
and openly ask for that support but I know that wouldn’t be where I am today
know that wouldn’t be where I am today
know that wouldn’t be where I am today as far along in this journey if it
as far along in this journey if it
as far along in this journey if it wasn’t for the support of those people
wasn’t for the support of those people
wasn’t for the support of those people and that’s something I’m truly grateful
and that’s something I’m truly grateful
and that’s something I’m truly grateful for and lastly surround yourself with
for and lastly surround yourself with
for and lastly surround yourself with the people that get and see your future
the people that get and see your future
the people that get and see your future self because they’ll keep you honest
self because they’ll keep you honest
self because they’ll keep you honest along the way so on why did I feel
along the way so on why did I feel
along the way so on why did I feel compelled to lay my soul bare to a room
compelled to lay my soul bare to a room
compelled to lay my soul bare to a room full of complete strangers well it was
full of complete strangers well it was
full of complete strangers well it was with the hope that through sharing my
with the hope that through sharing my
with the hope that through sharing my story it would inspire change in others
story it would inspire change in others
story it would inspire change in others the for those of you who are here today
the for those of you who are here today
the for those of you who are here today who maybe aren’t living a life that’s
who maybe aren’t living a life that’s
who maybe aren’t living a life that’s true to you whatever that might be that
true to you whatever that might be that
true to you whatever that might be that you can see your way forward as for me
you can see your way forward as for me
you can see your way forward as for me what’s next in my journey well I guess
what’s next in my journey well I guess
what’s next in my journey well I guess only time will tell
”
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