hi my name is Amanda Southworth I’m 15 years old I’m a junior in high school
years old I’m a junior in high school
years old I’m a junior in high school and I’m ill as you can see I’m not
and I’m ill as you can see I’m not
and I’m ill as you can see I’m not physically ill I can walk talk breathin
physically ill I can walk talk breathin
physically ill I can walk talk breathin even dance but not very well
even dance but not very well
even dance but not very well I’m not ill on the outside I’m ill on
I’m not ill on the outside I’m ill on
I’m not ill on the outside I’m ill on the inside and I don’t have a tumor
the inside and I don’t have a tumor
the inside and I don’t have a tumor internal bleeding cancer or anything
internal bleeding cancer or anything
internal bleeding cancer or anything like that but what I have is one of the
like that but what I have is one of the
like that but what I have is one of the biggest killers in the world today I
biggest killers in the world today I
biggest killers in the world today I have mental illness more specifically I
have mental illness more specifically I
have mental illness more specifically I have depression anxiety and
have depression anxiety and
have depression anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder what this
post-traumatic stress disorder what this
post-traumatic stress disorder what this means for me is that mentally I’m
means for me is that mentally I’m
means for me is that mentally I’m somewhat of a hot mess it starts with
somewhat of a hot mess it starts with
somewhat of a hot mess it starts with depression which makes it hard for me to
depression which makes it hard for me to
depression which makes it hard for me to feel not just happy emotions but sad
feel not just happy emotions but sad
feel not just happy emotions but sad ones too for me depression is
ones too for me depression is
ones too for me depression is nothingness it’s kind of like a void it
nothingness it’s kind of like a void it
nothingness it’s kind of like a void it sucks away everything good or bad I
sucks away everything good or bad I
sucks away everything good or bad I don’t eat I don’t sleep and I don’t work
don’t eat I don’t sleep and I don’t work
don’t eat I don’t sleep and I don’t work I tend to just drop off the face of the
I tend to just drop off the face of the
I tend to just drop off the face of the earth but sometimes feeling nothing is
earth but sometimes feeling nothing is
earth but sometimes feeling nothing is better than feeling every emotion at
better than feeling every emotion at
better than feeling every emotion at once which is what my anxiety does to me
once which is what my anxiety does to me
once which is what my anxiety does to me my experience with anxiety is like
my experience with anxiety is like
my experience with anxiety is like having a close friend but this friend is
having a close friend but this friend is
having a close friend but this friend is hurt and afraid of everything and you
hurt and afraid of everything and you
hurt and afraid of everything and you can understand it yet it feels like you
can understand it yet it feels like you
can understand it yet it feels like you can’t do anything to stop it my anxiety
can’t do anything to stop it my anxiety
can’t do anything to stop it my anxiety is my friend who’s scared of getting
is my friend who’s scared of getting
is my friend who’s scared of getting hurt but my post-traumatic stress
hurt but my post-traumatic stress
hurt but my post-traumatic stress disorder makes it feel like everything
disorder makes it feel like everything
disorder makes it feel like everything is out to hurt me
is out to hurt me
is out to hurt me for me as long as I can remember it’s
for me as long as I can remember it’s
for me as long as I can remember it’s always been like this I had my first
always been like this I had my first
always been like this I had my first therapy appointment over six years ago
therapy appointment over six years ago
therapy appointment over six years ago soon I will have been mentally ill for
soon I will have been mentally ill for
soon I will have been mentally ill for over half of my life nobody really knows
over half of my life nobody really knows
over half of my life nobody really knows where it started but in between
where it started but in between
where it started but in between elementary and middle school I move to
elementary and middle school I move to
elementary and middle school I move to new town I knew no one and as I arrived
new town I knew no one and as I arrived
new town I knew no one and as I arrived from the first day that was pretty
from the first day that was pretty
from the first day that was pretty obvious
obvious
obvious everyone had friends and I felt like an
everyone had friends and I felt like an
everyone had friends and I felt like an outsider I didn’t fit in and I was
outsider I didn’t fit in and I was
outsider I didn’t fit in and I was sometimes bullied as middle school
sometimes bullied as middle school
sometimes bullied as middle school progressed
progressed
progressed I turned my destructive behavior inwards
I turned my destructive behavior inwards
I turned my destructive behavior inwards I convinced myself that if I am of no
I convinced myself that if I am of no
I convinced myself that if I am of no worth to others then I have no worth
worth to others then I have no worth
worth to others then I have no worth myself over the course of 2012 to 2016
myself over the course of 2012 to 2016
myself over the course of 2012 to 2016 I’ve attempted suicide at least
I’ve attempted suicide at least
I’ve attempted suicide at least seven times the exact numbers unknown as
seven times the exact numbers unknown as
seven times the exact numbers unknown as I would take pills wake up and forget
I would take pills wake up and forget
I would take pills wake up and forget all about the previous night I would
all about the previous night I would
all about the previous night I would walk around and think my friend how will
walk around and think my friend how will
walk around and think my friend how will we go I would plan what items would be
we go I would plan what items would be
we go I would plan what items would be distributed to my friends and how it was
distributed to my friends and how it was
distributed to my friends and how it was gonna be thought of by people who didn’t
gonna be thought of by people who didn’t
gonna be thought of by people who didn’t know me I would go to school with the
know me I would go to school with the
know me I would go to school with the only thought getting me through of the
only thought getting me through of the
only thought getting me through of the day being my upcoming suicide attempt I
day being my upcoming suicide attempt I
day being my upcoming suicide attempt I would wake up and cry for hours because
would wake up and cry for hours because
would wake up and cry for hours because I didn’t die in my sleep
I didn’t die in my sleep
I didn’t die in my sleep growing up I was kind of always seen as
growing up I was kind of always seen as
growing up I was kind of always seen as the past a brat I didn’t see myself as a
the past a brat I didn’t see myself as a
the past a brat I didn’t see myself as a person I saw myself as the amount of
person I saw myself as the amount of
person I saw myself as the amount of money my parents would have to spend on
money my parents would have to spend on
money my parents would have to spend on me or the annoyance in someone’s face
me or the annoyance in someone’s face
me or the annoyance in someone’s face when I asked a stupid question to me I
when I asked a stupid question to me I
when I asked a stupid question to me I wasn’t a person I was just a burden but
wasn’t a person I was just a burden but
wasn’t a person I was just a burden but what were probably the worst years of my
what were probably the worst years of my
what were probably the worst years of my life led me to the best current years in
life led me to the best current years in
life led me to the best current years in the sixth grade I was invited to compete
the sixth grade I was invited to compete
the sixth grade I was invited to compete with a Robotics Club I fell in love with
with a Robotics Club I fell in love with
with a Robotics Club I fell in love with engineering building programming and
engineering building programming and
engineering building programming and just anything to do with technology all
just anything to do with technology all
just anything to do with technology all throughout middle school in high school
throughout middle school in high school
throughout middle school in high school I would spend hours upon hours just
I would spend hours upon hours just
I would spend hours upon hours just building websites apps coding designing
building websites apps coding designing
building websites apps coding designing anything I could get my hands on
anything I could get my hands on
anything I could get my hands on I loved programming because for the
I loved programming because for the
I loved programming because for the first time I wasn’t being destructive I
first time I wasn’t being destructive I
first time I wasn’t being destructive I was being creative my projects had value
was being creative my projects had value
was being creative my projects had value and I finally had worth in September of
and I finally had worth in September of
and I finally had worth in September of 2015 I launched my first app which gives
2015 I launched my first app which gives
2015 I launched my first app which gives people resources and tools to cope with
people resources and tools to cope with
people resources and tools to cope with anxiety depression and panic attacks in
anxiety depression and panic attacks in
anxiety depression and panic attacks in May of 2017 I launched my second app
May of 2017 I launched my second app
May of 2017 I launched my second app which acts as a security system for the
which acts as a security system for the
which acts as a security system for the lgbtq+ community I didn’t expect this
lgbtq+ community I didn’t expect this
lgbtq+ community I didn’t expect this but my apps gave me a purpose and a
but my apps gave me a purpose and a
but my apps gave me a purpose and a reason to stick around because of this
reason to stick around because of this
reason to stick around because of this for more than halfway through 2017 and I
for more than halfway through 2017 and I
for more than halfway through 2017 and I haven’t self-harmed or attempted suicide
haven’t self-harmed or attempted suicide
haven’t self-harmed or attempted suicide once this year
that’s pretty cool because I haven’t
that’s pretty cool because I haven’t been able to say that for the past five
been able to say that for the past five
been able to say that for the past five years so as a result I’ve devoted my
years so as a result I’ve devoted my
years so as a result I’ve devoted my time to helping others who’ve been in my
time to helping others who’ve been in my
time to helping others who’ve been in my position as a result I get a lot of
position as a result I get a lot of
position as a result I get a lot of messages and I’ve heard a lot of stories
messages and I’ve heard a lot of stories
messages and I’ve heard a lot of stories what these stories have shown me was
what these stories have shown me was
what these stories have shown me was that mental illness affects everyone
that mental illness affects everyone
that mental illness affects everyone even if you yourself are not directly
even if you yourself are not directly
even if you yourself are not directly mentally ill there may be someone in
mentally ill there may be someone in
mentally ill there may be someone in your life who is affected and in turn
your life who is affected and in turn
your life who is affected and in turn it’s affecting you considering how big
it’s affecting you considering how big
it’s affecting you considering how big of a problem this is we as a society
of a problem this is we as a society
of a problem this is we as a society don’t pay enough attention to it I mean
don’t pay enough attention to it I mean
don’t pay enough attention to it I mean it’s happening all around us yet we
it’s happening all around us yet we
it’s happening all around us yet we typically don’t notice it we tend to
typically don’t notice it we tend to
typically don’t notice it we tend to assume that if you can function and get
assume that if you can function and get
assume that if you can function and get through the day that you’re okay but
through the day that you’re okay but
through the day that you’re okay but that’s not the case according to
that’s not the case according to
that’s not the case according to dosomething.org someone in the u.s.
dosomething.org someone in the u.s.
dosomething.org someone in the u.s. attempt suicide every 16 minutes by the
attempt suicide every 16 minutes by the
attempt suicide every 16 minutes by the time I finished speaking at least one
time I finished speaking at least one
time I finished speaking at least one person will have taken their own life it
person will have taken their own life it
person will have taken their own life it can occur within the people we know and
can occur within the people we know and
can occur within the people we know and even within the people we least expect
even within the people we least expect
even within the people we least expect it from for example take chester
it from for example take chester
it from for example take chester bennington the lead singer of linkin
bennington the lead singer of linkin
bennington the lead singer of linkin park one of the bands that helped me in
park one of the bands that helped me in
park one of the bands that helped me in millions of other people during dark
millions of other people during dark
millions of other people during dark times he recently committed suicide the
times he recently committed suicide the
times he recently committed suicide the truth is we can’t control mental illness
truth is we can’t control mental illness
truth is we can’t control mental illness or suicide we can only control how we
or suicide we can only control how we
or suicide we can only control how we support and treat the people who have it
support and treat the people who have it
support and treat the people who have it but that can mean the difference between
but that can mean the difference between
but that can mean the difference between life and death I didn’t even know this
life and death I didn’t even know this
life and death I didn’t even know this and tell him that someone named Victor
and tell him that someone named Victor
and tell him that someone named Victor one night upon going through social
one night upon going through social
one night upon going through social media
media
media I discovered a boy posting about wanting
I discovered a boy posting about wanting
I discovered a boy posting about wanting to end his life I messaged him and as he
to end his life I messaged him and as he
to end his life I messaged him and as he replied I began to do something called
replied I began to do something called
replied I began to do something called grounding which is a technique used to
grounding which is a technique used to
grounding which is a technique used to distract someone if they’re feeling
distract someone if they’re feeling
distract someone if they’re feeling highly emotional I asked him questions
highly emotional I asked him questions
highly emotional I asked him questions about what he enjoys and I soon realized
about what he enjoys and I soon realized
about what he enjoys and I soon realized that we had a lot in common
that we had a lot in common
that we had a lot in common we had a love of many of the same shows
we had a love of many of the same shows
we had a love of many of the same shows the same bands and the same people we
the same bands and the same people we
the same bands and the same people we soon developed a strong friendship in
soon developed a strong friendship in
soon developed a strong friendship in which we supported each other constantly
which we supported each other constantly
which we supported each other constantly a couple of months after our initial
a couple of months after our initial
a couple of months after our initial meeting Victor confessed to me that I
meeting Victor confessed to me that I
meeting Victor confessed to me that I saved his life that night meeting Victor
saved his life that night meeting Victor
saved his life that night meeting Victor gave me the clarity to see that support
gave me the clarity to see that support
gave me the clarity to see that support can mean everything
can mean everything
can mean everything it even showed me that things that were
it even showed me that things that were
it even showed me that things that were small and boring within my own life were
small and boring within my own life were
small and boring within my own life were my reasons to stay alive I mean if I
my reasons to stay alive I mean if I
my reasons to stay alive I mean if I wasn’t going to cuddle with my cat who
wasn’t going to cuddle with my cat who
wasn’t going to cuddle with my cat who Yeah right yeah who would water my
Yeah right yeah who would water my
Yeah right yeah who would water my plants if I was gone or continued my
plants if I was gone or continued my
plants if I was gone or continued my apps sure other people may take over
apps sure other people may take over
apps sure other people may take over those duties but nobody could replace me
those duties but nobody could replace me
those duties but nobody could replace me seeing support of all kinds have shown
seeing support of all kinds have shown
seeing support of all kinds have shown me support can be the difference between
me support can be the difference between
me support can be the difference between ending your life are finally gaining the
ending your life are finally gaining the
ending your life are finally gaining the courage to reach out and change it
courage to reach out and change it
courage to reach out and change it besides purpose my apps have given me
besides purpose my apps have given me
besides purpose my apps have given me the opportunity to meet people from all
the opportunity to meet people from all
the opportunity to meet people from all walks of life I’ve met people who’ve
walks of life I’ve met people who’ve
walks of life I’ve met people who’ve been through things that I can’t even
been through things that I can’t even
been through things that I can’t even begin to comprehend I’ve seen the
begin to comprehend I’ve seen the
begin to comprehend I’ve seen the differences within people yet I also see
differences within people yet I also see
differences within people yet I also see the similarities and at the end of the
the similarities and at the end of the
the similarities and at the end of the day all those things we go through may
day all those things we go through may
day all those things we go through may differ
differ
differ we all have battles to fight we all want
we all have battles to fight we all want
we all have battles to fight we all want someone to support and care for us
someone to support and care for us
someone to support and care for us everything in my life has shown me that
everything in my life has shown me that
everything in my life has shown me that both good and bad things in this world
both good and bad things in this world
both good and bad things in this world will continue to happen and that’s out
will continue to happen and that’s out
will continue to happen and that’s out of our control but it’s what we do with
of our control but it’s what we do with
of our control but it’s what we do with the things that happen to us that can
the things that happen to us that can
the things that happen to us that can make all of the difference so my name is
make all of the difference so my name is
make all of the difference so my name is Amanda Southworth I’m 15 years old a
Amanda Southworth I’m 15 years old a
Amanda Southworth I’m 15 years old a junior in high school and I’m still
junior in high school and I’m still
junior in high school and I’m still alive
alive
alive [Music]
”
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