so it’s better to be here today and by that I mean not just here physically on
that I mean not just here physically on
that I mean not just here physically on this stage talking with you loving
this stage talking with you loving
this stage talking with you loving people because just over a year ago I
people because just over a year ago I
people because just over a year ago I hit rock bottom
hit rock bottom
hit rock bottom growing up in a big city working 60 hour
growing up in a big city working 60 hour
growing up in a big city working 60 hour and plus weeks having a busy social life
and plus weeks having a busy social life
and plus weeks having a busy social life whilst doing a master’s at the same time
whilst doing a master’s at the same time
whilst doing a master’s at the same time was underwhelming
was underwhelming
was underwhelming he left me exhausted depleting not the
he left me exhausted depleting not the
he left me exhausted depleting not the person I wanted to be I definitely was
person I wanted to be I definitely was
person I wanted to be I definitely was not the best version of myself
not the best version of myself
not the best version of myself what’s more with so many different
what’s more with so many different
what’s more with so many different channels of communication that we have
channels of communication that we have
channels of communication that we have text message phone Instagram slugs Skype
text message phone Instagram slugs Skype
text message phone Instagram slugs Skype you name it I couldn’t escape the noise
you name it I couldn’t escape the noise
you name it I couldn’t escape the noise and I couldn’t escape this feeling but I
and I couldn’t escape this feeling but I
and I couldn’t escape this feeling but I just needed to get some headspace and
just needed to get some headspace and
just needed to get some headspace and with all these social social pressure
with all these social social pressure
with all these social social pressure came from England I’ve never experienced
came from England I’ve never experienced
came from England I’ve never experienced before
before
before I started developing social anxiety
I started developing social anxiety
I started developing social anxiety disorder and panic attacks it sounds
disorder and panic attacks it sounds
disorder and panic attacks it sounds ridiculous but just getting an invite
ridiculous but just getting an invite
ridiculous but just getting an invite from a friend invited me to a birthday
from a friend invited me to a birthday
from a friend invited me to a birthday party will send me into space panic so
party will send me into space panic so
party will send me into space panic so what happened is I stopped socializing I
what happened is I stopped socializing I
what happened is I stopped socializing I stopped going out because what I thought
stopped going out because what I thought
stopped going out because what I thought I needed was space to reconnect with
I needed was space to reconnect with
I needed was space to reconnect with myself and set it away from busy work
myself and set it away from busy work
myself and set it away from busy work life busy social life but in a city like
life busy social life but in a city like
life busy social life but in a city like London that’s designed for social
London that’s designed for social
London that’s designed for social interaction when you started going out
interaction when you started going out
interaction when you started going out in that environment you started getting
in that environment you started getting
in that environment you started getting lonely and we start feeling isolated so
lonely and we start feeling isolated so
lonely and we start feeling isolated so I did something quite drastic after 20
I did something quite drastic after 20
I did something quite drastic after 20 years of living in the city and moved to
years of living in the city and moved to
years of living in the city and moved to the middle of nowhere in the countryside
the middle of nowhere in the countryside
the middle of nowhere in the countryside in France
in France
in France my family’s abandoned estate now the
my family’s abandoned estate now the
my family’s abandoned estate now the Chateau yes it sounds ridiculous trust
Chateau yes it sounds ridiculous trust
Chateau yes it sounds ridiculous trust me
me
me I started ikkyu let’s say that out loud
I started ikkyu let’s say that out loud
I started ikkyu let’s say that out loud the truth is it’s not as glamorous as it
the truth is it’s not as glamorous as it
the truth is it’s not as glamorous as it seems my family hasn’t lived
seems my family hasn’t lived
seems my family hasn’t lived years and like I described it it is in a
years and like I described it it is in a
years and like I described it it is in a state of disrepair the only place that’s
state of disrepair the only place that’s
state of disrepair the only place that’s livable on it it’s a little two-bedroom
livable on it it’s a little two-bedroom
livable on it it’s a little two-bedroom house which is the one that I moved into
house which is the one that I moved into
house which is the one that I moved into so there are worse I sold most my
so there are worse I sold most my
so there are worse I sold most my possessions because in the end I’d left
possessions because in the end I’d left
possessions because in the end I’d left London but I didn’t know how long I was
London but I didn’t know how long I was
London but I didn’t know how long I was going to be away for until my savings
going to be away for until my savings
going to be away for until my savings ran out and what would I do after that I
ran out and what would I do after that I
ran out and what would I do after that I haven’t actually bought that farm
so being a big city girl living in the
so being a big city girl living in the countryside was fine during the day most
countryside was fine during the day most
countryside was fine during the day most of the time but in the evenings when
of the time but in the evenings when
of the time but in the evenings when night fell I loved the dogs
night fell I loved the dogs
night fell I loved the dogs I stayed indoors in bed with a book I
I stayed indoors in bed with a book I
I stayed indoors in bed with a book I was too scared to go outside scared of a
was too scared to go outside scared of a
was too scared to go outside scared of a dog and you know what I had it bad ready
dog and you know what I had it bad ready
dog and you know what I had it bad ready just in case something were to happen I
just in case something were to happen I
just in case something were to happen I had my laptop I had my keys and I had my
had my laptop I had my keys and I had my
had my laptop I had my keys and I had my running trainers and I figured the
running trainers and I figured the
running trainers and I figured the champion was about four kilometers away
champion was about four kilometers away
champion was about four kilometers away from the nearest village and if I really
from the nearest village and if I really
from the nearest village and if I really had to I could run that far some euros
had to I could run that far some euros
had to I could run that far some euros in the countryside in the woods with no
in the countryside in the woods with no
in the countryside in the woods with no internet an absolutely no phone
internet an absolutely no phone
internet an absolutely no phone reception
reception
reception can you imagine after living in the
can you imagine after living in the
can you imagine after living in the cities for so long finding yourself in
cities for so long finding yourself in
cities for so long finding yourself in that scenario surrounded in the woods on
that scenario surrounded in the woods on
that scenario surrounded in the woods on your own no to be honest neither could I
your own no to be honest neither could I
your own no to be honest neither could I at the time and so like I said I was
at the time and so like I said I was
at the time and so like I said I was scared at dark but nothing happened it
scared at dark but nothing happened it
scared at dark but nothing happened it could have done what did happen however
could have done what did happen however
could have done what did happen however is that one night I went to Geneva two
is that one night I went to Geneva two
is that one night I went to Geneva two hours away to go and see my setting on
hours away to go and see my setting on
hours away to go and see my setting on the plane and when I came back the next
the plane and when I came back the next
the plane and when I came back the next day to my horror I don’t see been
day to my horror I don’t see been
day to my horror I don’t see been burgled I didn’t have much to take
burgled I didn’t have much to take
burgled I didn’t have much to take because I’ve sold most of my belongings
because I’ve sold most of my belongings
because I’ve sold most of my belongings better they didn’t manage to take my
better they didn’t manage to take my
better they didn’t manage to take my laptop and when you’re living in the
laptop and when you’re living in the
laptop and when you’re living in the countryside a very valuable tool chain
countryside a very valuable tool chain
countryside a very valuable tool chain saw a lot of wilderness to cut down now
saw a lot of wilderness to cut down now
saw a lot of wilderness to cut down now well this experience taught me was that
well this experience taught me was that
well this experience taught me was that actually the fear that I had felt or the
actually the fear that I had felt or the
actually the fear that I had felt or the fear that had been scared of was
fear that had been scared of was
fear that had been scared of was rational actually for the first time I
rational actually for the first time I
rational actually for the first time I realized that what I had done
realized that what I had done
realized that what I had done even alienating myself and being in
even alienating myself and being in
even alienating myself and being in isolation initially was actually could
isolation initially was actually could
isolation initially was actually could be quite dangerous
be quite dangerous
be quite dangerous I was actually putting myself in danger
I was actually putting myself in danger
I was actually putting myself in danger but uh actually they didn’t frighten me
but uh actually they didn’t frighten me
but uh actually they didn’t frighten me what frightened me most was the feelings
what frightened me most was the feelings
what frightened me most was the feelings that I felt being in there for the four
that I felt being in there for the four
that I felt being in there for the four months on my arms on my own the feelings
months on my arms on my own the feelings
months on my arms on my own the feelings of loneliness the feelings of having to
of loneliness the feelings of having to
of loneliness the feelings of having to spend all that time just with myself
spend all that time just with myself
spend all that time just with myself when I wasn’t used to being in that
when I wasn’t used to being in that
when I wasn’t used to being in that environment and I couldn’t stop thinking
environment and I couldn’t stop thinking
environment and I couldn’t stop thinking about what everybody else is doing how
about what everybody else is doing how
about what everybody else is doing how much fun they were having what they were
much fun they were having what they were
much fun they were having what they were up to in comparison to what the fun I
up to in comparison to what the fun I
up to in comparison to what the fun I was not having I think this is called
was not having I think this is called
was not having I think this is called FOMO right fear of missing out yeah I
FOMO right fear of missing out yeah I
FOMO right fear of missing out yeah I definitely had them but to my surprise I
definitely had them but to my surprise I
definitely had them but to my surprise I didn’t feel anxious and I didn’t feel
didn’t feel anxious and I didn’t feel
didn’t feel anxious and I didn’t feel panicked I just felt sad because I
panicked I just felt sad because I
panicked I just felt sad because I noticed that I’ve kept myself so busy
noticed that I’ve kept myself so busy
noticed that I’ve kept myself so busy with work we’re studying we’re
with work we’re studying we’re
with work we’re studying we’re socializing but actually I had never
socializing but actually I had never
socializing but actually I had never taken the time to stop and deal with my
taken the time to stop and deal with my
taken the time to stop and deal with my feelings I’ve never dealt with past
feelings I’ve never dealt with past
feelings I’ve never dealt with past relationships fear pain losing phrase
relationships fear pain losing phrase
relationships fear pain losing phrase none of them I just kept myself busy and
none of them I just kept myself busy and
none of them I just kept myself busy and cannot carrying on and you do in England
cannot carrying on and you do in England
cannot carrying on and you do in England right Keep Calm carry on that’s the same
right Keep Calm carry on that’s the same
right Keep Calm carry on that’s the same hmm and so the scariest thing was
hmm and so the scariest thing was
hmm and so the scariest thing was actually being there at my own company
actually being there at my own company
actually being there at my own company but being in nature was the most
but being in nature was the most
but being in nature was the most wonderful experience I could have had it
wonderful experience I could have had it
wonderful experience I could have had it gave me the space and the time to
gave me the space and the time to
gave me the space and the time to actually sit with those feelings think
actually sit with those feelings think
actually sit with those feelings think about them and I’m not gonna lie to you
about them and I’m not gonna lie to you
about them and I’m not gonna lie to you it was painful I can’t stop crying I
it was painful I can’t stop crying I
it was painful I can’t stop crying I check right in most of the time I cried
check right in most of the time I cried
check right in most of the time I cried for about two months strange but it was
for about two months strange but it was
for about two months strange but it was so appealing and I really loved you at
so appealing and I really loved you at
so appealing and I really loved you at the experience today and over time I
the experience today and over time I
the experience today and over time I started feeling more comfortable I
started feeling more comfortable I
started feeling more comfortable I gained confidence just because I allowed
gained confidence just because I allowed
gained confidence just because I allowed these feelings to actually surface and
these feelings to actually surface and
these feelings to actually surface and deal with them and then after a while I
deal with them and then after a while I
deal with them and then after a while I stopped wondering what other one else is
stopped wondering what other one else is
stopped wondering what other one else is doing because you know what I’m started
doing because you know what I’m started
doing because you know what I’m started feeling generally happy in my own
feeling generally happy in my own
feeling generally happy in my own company
company
company they don’t say I’ve even began to love
they don’t say I’ve even began to love
they don’t say I’ve even began to love myself I know
myself I know
myself I know I became proud of myself for having made
I became proud of myself for having made
I became proud of myself for having made the move going out there and facing my
the move going out there and facing my
the move going out there and facing my fears fixing my demons facing myself
fears fixing my demons facing myself
fears fixing my demons facing myself taking the time to do a bit of
taking the time to do a bit of
taking the time to do a bit of soul-searching and actually I was proud
soul-searching and actually I was proud
soul-searching and actually I was proud of myself for being capable of living in
of myself for being capable of living in
of myself for being capable of living in the in the middle of nowhere
the in the middle of nowhere
the in the middle of nowhere for country girl nor a city girl
for country girl nor a city girl
for country girl nor a city girl Freudian slip now a country girl that’s
Freudian slip now a country girl that’s
Freudian slip now a country girl that’s a big move and so once my experiences
a big move and so once my experiences
a big move and so once my experiences drastic it’s not for everyone and it is
drastic it’s not for everyone and it is
drastic it’s not for everyone and it is definitely not sustainable in the run in
definitely not sustainable in the run in
definitely not sustainable in the run in the long run because whilst living in
the long run because whilst living in
the long run because whilst living in the city can play havoc on your on your
the city can play havoc on your on your
the city can play havoc on your on your mental well-being and state of mind so
mental well-being and state of mind so
mental well-being and state of mind so can living in complete isolation for
can living in complete isolation for
can living in complete isolation for four months and it’s another experience
four months and it’s another experience
four months and it’s another experience that I had depicting that was so I had
that I had depicting that was so I had
that I had depicting that was so I had no internet had no flip phone signal but
no internet had no flip phone signal but
no internet had no flip phone signal but every so often like everybody else I had
every so often like everybody else I had
every so often like everybody else I had to go and take out the recycling the
to go and take out the recycling the
to go and take out the recycling the nearest village four kilometres away and
nearest village four kilometres away and
nearest village four kilometres away and as I did that some strange reason these
as I did that some strange reason these
as I did that some strange reason these great big bins was the only place that I
great big bins was the only place that I
great big bins was the only place that I actually had reception
actually had reception
actually had reception so I called my mom because as you can
so I called my mom because as you can
so I called my mom because as you can imagine she was worried just about me I
imagine she was worried just about me I
imagine she was worried just about me I like the water
like the water
like the water just crying sobbing I had nothing to say
just crying sobbing I had nothing to say
just crying sobbing I had nothing to say really I was hopeless and when I had was
really I was hopeless and when I had was
really I was hopeless and when I had was tears but there she was at the end of
tears but there she was at the end of
tears but there she was at the end of that phone call there for me not judging
that phone call there for me not judging
that phone call there for me not judging me just listening and then you realise
me just listening and then you realise
me just listening and then you realise that connecting with myself was
that connecting with myself was
that connecting with myself was extremely important it’s something that
extremely important it’s something that
extremely important it’s something that has been extremely valuable to me but
has been extremely valuable to me but
has been extremely valuable to me but connecting with people is equally
connecting with people is equally
connecting with people is equally important and as well as having that
important and as well as having that
important and as well as having that experience with my mother I also had a
experience with my mother I also had a
experience with my mother I also had a whatsapp group with three of my closest
whatsapp group with three of my closest
whatsapp group with three of my closest friends we actually call it soy beans
friends we actually call it soy beans
friends we actually call it soy beans and what if I didn’t check my phone
and what if I didn’t check my phone
and what if I didn’t check my phone because I have no connection and also I
because I have no connection and also I
because I have no connection and also I didn’t want to once in a while and you
didn’t want to once in a while and you
didn’t want to once in a while and you that they have send me messages and I
that they have send me messages and I
that they have send me messages and I would read them and as well as my mother
would read them and as well as my mother
would read them and as well as my mother they didn’t judge me but didn’t expect a
they didn’t judge me but didn’t expect a
they didn’t judge me but didn’t expect a reply they just wanted to be there for
reply they just wanted to be there for
reply they just wanted to be there for me
and our performers and makes these
and our performers and makes these connections I miss having interactions
connections I miss having interactions
connections I miss having interactions with these friends they’ve cared for me
with these friends they’ve cared for me
with these friends they’ve cared for me they had been there for me all along
they had been there for me all along
they had been there for me all along just not physically and so I decided to
just not physically and so I decided to
just not physically and so I decided to return to London but um I didn’t last
return to London but um I didn’t last
return to London but um I didn’t last very long this time not because I was
very long this time not because I was
very long this time not because I was suffering from social anxiety attacks or
suffering from social anxiety attacks or
suffering from social anxiety attacks or panic attacks but because I learned my
panic attacks but because I learned my
panic attacks but because I learned my boundaries I learned what abundance was
boundaries I learned what abundance was
boundaries I learned what abundance was for me and for me it wasn’t about the
for me and for me it wasn’t about the
for me and for me it wasn’t about the countryside or living in a city
countryside or living in a city
countryside or living in a city it wasn’t about socializing and working
it wasn’t about socializing and working
it wasn’t about socializing and working to exhaustion or staying in there being
to exhaustion or staying in there being
to exhaustion or staying in there being a hermit like I had done I found the
a hermit like I had done I found the
a hermit like I had done I found the importance and the value in both today I
importance and the value in both today I
importance and the value in both today I bounced around from the Chateau to
bounced around from the Chateau to
bounced around from the Chateau to London and luckily I’m able to work to
London and luckily I’m able to work to
London and luckily I’m able to work to work remotely some of the time which
work remotely some of the time which
work remotely some of the time which means that because of Technology because
means that because of Technology because
means that because of Technology because of the internet because of what I feared
of the internet because of what I feared
of the internet because of what I feared I’m actually able to do that now the
I’m actually able to do that now the
I’m actually able to do that now the reason why I’m telling you this story is
reason why I’m telling you this story is
reason why I’m telling you this story is because as I started expressing my story
because as I started expressing my story
because as I started expressing my story telling my journey more and more I found
telling my journey more and more I found
telling my journey more and more I found people who have had the same have had
people who have had the same have had
people who have had the same have had similar experiences and who have thought
similar experiences and who have thought
similar experiences and who have thought the same way and I and I wasn’t alone I
the same way and I and I wasn’t alone I
the same way and I and I wasn’t alone I wasn’t alone in it at all
wasn’t alone in it at all
wasn’t alone in it at all too many people in large urban
too many people in large urban
too many people in large urban environments suffer from social anxiety
environments suffer from social anxiety
environments suffer from social anxiety panic attacks depression most the time
panic attacks depression most the time
panic attacks depression most the time they just do it in silence because
they just do it in silence because
they just do it in silence because talking about it is difficult there’s a
talking about it is difficult there’s a
talking about it is difficult there’s a lot of social stigma around not doing as
lot of social stigma around not doing as
lot of social stigma around not doing as well as you could be or should be and
well as you could be or should be and
well as you could be or should be and people just don’t like to talk about
people just don’t like to talk about
people just don’t like to talk about these things but also making a drastic
these things but also making a drastic
these things but also making a drastic move like moving to the countryside
move like moving to the countryside
move like moving to the countryside which most of the time if you don’t have
which most of the time if you don’t have
which most of the time if you don’t have a social network though it’s very
a social network though it’s very
a social network though it’s very difficult it’s challenging and as my
difficult it’s challenging and as my
difficult it’s challenging and as my story has just depicted it’s scary
story has just depicted it’s scary
story has just depicted it’s scary it’s literally settling not for everyone
and so if people are having these
and so if people are having these struggles living in cities because
struggles living in cities because
struggles living in cities because there’s too much noise and it’s too
there’s too much noise and it’s too
there’s too much noise and it’s too chaotic but at the same time they’re
chaotic but at the same time they’re
chaotic but at the same time they’re also struggling living in the
also struggling living in the
also struggling living in the countryside because it’s too remote and
countryside because it’s too remote and
countryside because it’s too remote and lonely what does this mean for the way
lonely what does this mean for the way
lonely what does this mean for the way that we’re living what does it say about
that we’re living what does it say about
that we’re living what does it say about the way that we organize ourselves a
the way that we organize ourselves a
the way that we organize ourselves a society in our cities doesn’t employ
society in our cities doesn’t employ
society in our cities doesn’t employ doesn’t imply that we should find more
doesn’t imply that we should find more
doesn’t imply that we should find more creative solutions that incorporate the
creative solutions that incorporate the
creative solutions that incorporate the need for physical space medical space
need for physical space medical space
need for physical space medical space but also for a rich social environment
what do you think don’t you think that
what do you think don’t you think that we should come up with different
we should come up with different
we should come up with different solutions for creating our environments
solutions for creating our environments
solutions for creating our environments once I incorporate all of us such as
once I incorporate all of us such as
once I incorporate all of us such as more villages rather than larger cities
that’s what I wanted to share with you
that’s what I wanted to share with you from my personal experience and I hope
from my personal experience and I hope
from my personal experience and I hope that some of it resonates with you not
that some of it resonates with you not
that some of it resonates with you not too much and that you find it within
too much and that you find it within
too much and that you find it within yourself to think about creative
yourself to think about creative
yourself to think about creative solutions to how we can manage these
solutions to how we can manage these
solutions to how we can manage these villages just like we can see here at
villages just like we can see here at
villages just like we can see here at mock Hren
mock Hren
mock Hren thank you
thank you
thank you [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
you
you [Music]
”
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