it first appeared in Flash’s obscure pieces of scrambled porn watched in the
pieces of scrambled porn watched in the
pieces of scrambled porn watched in the dead of night at my grandmother’s house
dead of night at my grandmother’s house
dead of night at my grandmother’s house inexplicable tingling sensations
inexplicable tingling sensations
inexplicable tingling sensations whenever I would see that one boy in the
whenever I would see that one boy in the
whenever I would see that one boy in the hallway at school pages and pages of
hallway at school pages and pages of
hallway at school pages and pages of erotic fiction on a flickering computer
erotic fiction on a flickering computer
erotic fiction on a flickering computer screen scrolling past my
screen scrolling past my
screen scrolling past my fourteen-year-old eyes the Snickers and
fourteen-year-old eyes the Snickers and
fourteen-year-old eyes the Snickers and sneers when it became evident that I had
sneers when it became evident that I had
sneers when it became evident that I had a crush and it always was obvious
a crush and it always was obvious
a crush and it always was obvious cloaked in my inability to disguise my
cloaked in my inability to disguise my
cloaked in my inability to disguise my emotions you’re not allowed to like him
emotions you’re not allowed to like him
emotions you’re not allowed to like him they jeered and my face flushed red with
they jeered and my face flushed red with
they jeered and my face flushed red with humiliation I thought about sex
humiliation I thought about sex
humiliation I thought about sex I wrote about it read about it knew the
I wrote about it read about it knew the
I wrote about it read about it knew the ins and outs so to speak
ins and outs so to speak
ins and outs so to speak about it and somewhere along the way I
about it and somewhere along the way I
about it and somewhere along the way I began to believe that I would never have
began to believe that I would never have
began to believe that I would never have it sex wasn’t for people like me even if
it sex wasn’t for people like me even if
it sex wasn’t for people like me even if I wanted to no one would ever want to
I wanted to no one would ever want to
I wanted to no one would ever want to have sex with me an autistic woman would
have sex with me an autistic woman would
have sex with me an autistic woman would they in 1975 the World Health
they in 1975 the World Health
they in 1975 the World Health Organization defined sexuality as quote
Organization defined sexuality as quote
Organization defined sexuality as quote an integral part of the personality of
an integral part of the personality of
an integral part of the personality of every one man woman and child
every one man woman and child
every one man woman and child it is a basic need and an aspect of
it is a basic need and an aspect of
it is a basic need and an aspect of being human that cannot be separated
being human that cannot be separated
being human that cannot be separated from other aspects of human life
from other aspects of human life
from other aspects of human life sexuality is not synonymous with sexual
sexuality is not synonymous with sexual
sexuality is not synonymous with sexual intercourse and it influences thoughts
intercourse and it influences thoughts
intercourse and it influences thoughts feelings actions and interactions and
feelings actions and interactions and
feelings actions and interactions and thereby our mental and physical health
thereby our mental and physical health
thereby our mental and physical health end quote but somewhere along the way a
end quote but somewhere along the way a
end quote but somewhere along the way a stigma built up around the sexuality and
stigma built up around the sexuality and
stigma built up around the sexuality and sexual expression of autistic people the
sexual expression of autistic people the
sexual expression of autistic people the world decided that this definition
world decided that this definition
world decided that this definition didn’t apply to us and society overall
didn’t apply to us and society overall
didn’t apply to us and society overall doesn’t like the thought of autistic
doesn’t like the thought of autistic
doesn’t like the thought of autistic people getting laid shagging screwing
people getting laid shagging screwing
people getting laid shagging screwing copulating doing the horizontal mambo
copulating doing the horizontal mambo
copulating doing the horizontal mambo the euphemisms are many but the
the euphemisms are many but the
the euphemisms are many but the opportunities are sadly few somehow it
opportunities are sadly few somehow it
opportunities are sadly few somehow it became easier to think of autistic
became easier to think of autistic
became easier to think of autistic people as sexless uninterested and
people as sexless uninterested and
people as sexless uninterested and repulsed by the idea of sex which in and
repulsed by the idea of sex which in and
repulsed by the idea of sex which in and of itself is a departure from the
of itself is a departure from the
of itself is a departure from the narrative that that grows up around
narrative that that grows up around
narrative that that grows up around other disabled populations which are
other disabled populations which are
other disabled populations which are often viewed as being overly sexual but
often viewed as being overly sexual but
often viewed as being overly sexual but to act as though having sexual desires
to act as though having sexual desires
to act as though having sexual desires and thoughts is something that doesn’t
and thoughts is something that doesn’t
and thoughts is something that doesn’t happen
happen
happen it’s to deny autistic people a huge part
it’s to deny autistic people a huge part
it’s to deny autistic people a huge part of the human experience
of the human experience
of the human experience it is for this reason and so many others
it is for this reason and so many others
it is for this reason and so many others that we need to dramatically shift the
that we need to dramatically shift the
that we need to dramatically shift the dialogue around autism and sexuality
dialogue around autism and sexuality
dialogue around autism and sexuality from stop to go any parent of a teenager
from stop to go any parent of a teenager
from stop to go any parent of a teenager will tell you that one of their greatest
will tell you that one of their greatest
will tell you that one of their greatest fears is having that birds in the bees
fears is having that birds in the bees
fears is having that birds in the bees talk with their child one idea that
talk with their child one idea that
talk with their child one idea that persists despite its overwhelming
persists despite its overwhelming
persists despite its overwhelming erroneous Ness that if a teenager has
erroneous Ness that if a teenager has
erroneous Ness that if a teenager has the slightest sexual knowledge they will
the slightest sexual knowledge they will
the slightest sexual knowledge they will then go out and have sex individual is
then go out and have sex individual is
then go out and have sex individual is on the autism spectrum who are given
on the autism spectrum who are given
on the autism spectrum who are given thorough information about sex are no
thorough information about sex are no
thorough information about sex are no more likely than anyone else to go out
more likely than anyone else to go out
more likely than anyone else to go out and fall headfirst into an orgy but
and fall headfirst into an orgy but
and fall headfirst into an orgy but where neurotypical people can more
where neurotypical people can more
where neurotypical people can more easily learn the social ropes and the
easily learn the social ropes and the
easily learn the social ropes and the dynamics of navigating romantic and
dynamics of navigating romantic and
dynamics of navigating romantic and sexual relationships autistic people
sexual relationships autistic people
sexual relationships autistic people struggle to read these vital cues and
struggle to read these vital cues and
struggle to read these vital cues and are much more likely to end up in
are much more likely to end up in
are much more likely to end up in vulnerable situations and to be
vulnerable situations and to be
vulnerable situations and to be victimized both physically and
victimized both physically and
victimized both physically and emotionally this is why it is so
emotionally this is why it is so
emotionally this is why it is so important for individuals on the
important for individuals on the
important for individuals on the spectrum to have access to accurate
spectrum to have access to accurate
spectrum to have access to accurate straightforward information about sex
straightforward information about sex
straightforward information about sex the idea that there is a right way to
the idea that there is a right way to
the idea that there is a right way to have sex or to be sexual is another
have sex or to be sexual is another
have sex or to be sexual is another misconception that won’t quietly die the
misconception that won’t quietly die the
misconception that won’t quietly die the experience of sex mentally emotionally
experience of sex mentally emotionally
experience of sex mentally emotionally and physically is different for every
and physically is different for every
and physically is different for every person
person
person and while the sensory issues that many
and while the sensory issues that many
and while the sensory issues that many autistic individuals face may alter how
autistic individuals face may alter how
autistic individuals face may alter how they have sex it doesn’t mean that they
they have sex it doesn’t mean that they
they have sex it doesn’t mean that they don’t have it at all the first time that
don’t have it at all the first time that
don’t have it at all the first time that I had sex I was 22 years old I had
I had sex I was 22 years old I had
I had sex I was 22 years old I had plenty of information or so I thought
plenty of information or so I thought
plenty of information or so I thought from my years of erotic fan fiction
from my years of erotic fan fiction
from my years of erotic fan fiction writing and college pseudo threesomes
writing and college pseudo threesomes
writing and college pseudo threesomes yes that’s the thing asked me how but as
yes that’s the thing asked me how but as
yes that’s the thing asked me how but as I lay there in a tiny Seattle apartment
I lay there in a tiny Seattle apartment
I lay there in a tiny Seattle apartment on that blue velvet Tommy Hilfiger
on that blue velvet Tommy Hilfiger
on that blue velvet Tommy Hilfiger comforter two classes of the wine I’d
comforter two classes of the wine I’d
comforter two classes of the wine I’d picked out left forgotten on the coffee
picked out left forgotten on the coffee
picked out left forgotten on the coffee table the white button-down shirt I’d
table the white button-down shirt I’d
table the white button-down shirt I’d asked him to wear lying in a crumpled
asked him to wear lying in a crumpled
asked him to wear lying in a crumpled heap on the floor because I’d always
heap on the floor because I’d always
heap on the floor because I’d always dreamed him on buttoning a guy’s shirt
dreamed him on buttoning a guy’s shirt
dreamed him on buttoning a guy’s shirt before we were about to make love and
before we were about to make love and
before we were about to make love and wearing a University of Washington
wearing a University of Washington
wearing a University of Washington Huskies cheerleader uniform in a girl
Huskies cheerleader uniform in a girl
Huskies cheerleader uniform in a girl size 14 after previously being naked I
size 14 after previously being naked I
size 14 after previously being naked I realized how deeply unprepared I
realized how deeply unprepared I
realized how deeply unprepared I really was it hurt me five feet tall and
really was it hurt me five feet tall and
really was it hurt me five feet tall and him six foot five his wall of endless
him six foot five his wall of endless
him six foot five his wall of endless torso looking me in the face somehow a
torso looking me in the face somehow a
torso looking me in the face somehow a fitting metaphor for not being able to
fitting metaphor for not being able to
fitting metaphor for not being able to see the true face of the person that I
see the true face of the person that I
see the true face of the person that I had fallen in love with after it was
had fallen in love with after it was
had fallen in love with after it was over he scurried to the bathroom to wash
over he scurried to the bathroom to wash
over he scurried to the bathroom to wash up one of the many red flags that I
up one of the many red flags that I
up one of the many red flags that I failed to register and I throw open my
failed to register and I throw open my
failed to register and I throw open my bedroom window and shouted into the
bedroom window and shouted into the
bedroom window and shouted into the frigid February night I am no longer a
frigid February night I am no longer a
frigid February night I am no longer a virgin do you hear that Seattle I
virgin do you hear that Seattle I
virgin do you hear that Seattle I thought that he would hold me as we fell
thought that he would hold me as we fell
thought that he would hold me as we fell asleep
asleep
asleep the quiet affirming soreness still
the quiet affirming soreness still
the quiet affirming soreness still throbbing between my legs but he turned
throbbing between my legs but he turned
throbbing between my legs but he turned away I watched his back rise and fall
away I watched his back rise and fall
away I watched his back rise and fall too anxious to close my eyes lest he
too anxious to close my eyes lest he
too anxious to close my eyes lest he suddenly change his mind he didn’t
suddenly change his mind he didn’t
suddenly change his mind he didn’t before that night I decided that I had
before that night I decided that I had
before that night I decided that I had to know if I’d done a good job he was
to know if I’d done a good job he was
to know if I’d done a good job he was more experienced despite being two years
more experienced despite being two years
more experienced despite being two years younger and I feared that my lack of
younger and I feared that my lack of
younger and I feared that my lack of time in the field would adversely affect
time in the field would adversely affect
time in the field would adversely affect my performance so in some inspired fit
my performance so in some inspired fit
my performance so in some inspired fit of autism fueled wisdom I reckon that if
of autism fueled wisdom I reckon that if
of autism fueled wisdom I reckon that if hotels and restaurants can have comment
hotels and restaurants can have comment
hotels and restaurants can have comment cards for you to fill out
cards for you to fill out
cards for you to fill out why couldn’t I a sexual intercourse
why couldn’t I a sexual intercourse
why couldn’t I a sexual intercourse comment card made an all complete
comment card made an all complete
comment card made an all complete seriousness and with tongue firmly
seriousness and with tongue firmly
seriousness and with tongue firmly implanted in cheek and the questions on
implanted in cheek and the questions on
implanted in cheek and the questions on the back of course what did you think
the back of course what did you think
the back of course what did you think could have been better what did you
could have been better what did you
could have been better what did you enjoy most about this session what
enjoy most about this session what
enjoy most about this session what didn’t happen that you would like to
didn’t happen that you would like to
didn’t happen that you would like to have happen again please rate the
have happen again please rate the
have happen again please rate the following from one to five the outfit I
following from one to five the outfit I
following from one to five the outfit I had on my facial expressions during
had on my facial expressions during
had on my facial expressions during intercourse my vocal volume is there
intercourse my vocal volume is there
intercourse my vocal volume is there anything I can do in the future to get
anything I can do in the future to get
anything I can do in the future to get you aroused more quickly
valid and useful information all of it
valid and useful information all of it but hmm there’s a problem with these
but hmm there’s a problem with these
but hmm there’s a problem with these questions one then I didn’t see that I
questions one then I didn’t see that I
questions one then I didn’t see that I couldn’t see until I later learn that
couldn’t see until I later learn that
couldn’t see until I later learn that there’s a fundamental difference between
there’s a fundamental difference between
there’s a fundamental difference between having sex and someone having sex with
having sex and someone having sex with
having sex and someone having sex with you every single one of these questions
you every single one of these questions
you every single one of these questions is about him his enjoyment his
is about him his enjoyment his
is about him his enjoyment his satisfaction there is not a word not a
satisfaction there is not a word not a
satisfaction there is not a word not a syllable about my enjoyment about
syllable about my enjoyment about
syllable about my enjoyment about whether or not I’d liked all the things
whether or not I’d liked all the things
whether or not I’d liked all the things that he did my pleasure in this instance
that he did my pleasure in this instance
that he did my pleasure in this instance wasn’t simply secondary it just did not
wasn’t simply secondary it just did not
wasn’t simply secondary it just did not exist so I didn’t have that knowledge of
exist so I didn’t have that knowledge of
exist so I didn’t have that knowledge of sex my parents and I never had that
sex my parents and I never had that
sex my parents and I never had that birds-and-the-bees talk which I almost
birds-and-the-bees talk which I almost
birds-and-the-bees talk which I almost feel cheated out of now in a bizarre way
feel cheated out of now in a bizarre way
feel cheated out of now in a bizarre way and what I have found as I’ve waded into
and what I have found as I’ve waded into
and what I have found as I’ve waded into the murky and sometimes
the murky and sometimes
the murky and sometimes alligator-infested waters of sexuality
alligator-infested waters of sexuality
alligator-infested waters of sexuality instruction and disability is that there
instruction and disability is that there
instruction and disability is that there are many barriers to establishing that
are many barriers to establishing that
are many barriers to establishing that conversation and to teaching dating
conversation and to teaching dating
conversation and to teaching dating skills to autistic people as a candidate
skills to autistic people as a candidate
skills to autistic people as a candidate for my master’s degree in ABA applied
for my master’s degree in ABA applied
for my master’s degree in ABA applied behavior analysis
behavior analysis
behavior analysis I built my thesis around teaching adult
I built my thesis around teaching adult
I built my thesis around teaching adult men diagnosed with autism how to ask
men diagnosed with autism how to ask
men diagnosed with autism how to ask someone out on a date the behavior
someone out on a date the behavior
someone out on a date the behavior analysis research literature that I had
analysis research literature that I had
analysis research literature that I had to draw from contain innumerable studies
to draw from contain innumerable studies
to draw from contain innumerable studies about teaching social skills talk to
about teaching social skills talk to
about teaching social skills talk to sick individuals but nothing related to
sick individuals but nothing related to
sick individuals but nothing related to dating skills not one study and the
dating skills not one study and the
dating skills not one study and the plethora of participants that I was sure
plethora of participants that I was sure
plethora of participants that I was sure I would have were also non-existent with
I would have were also non-existent with
I would have were also non-existent with it taking me two years to find just two
it taking me two years to find just two
it taking me two years to find just two participants turns out nobody really
participants turns out nobody really
participants turns out nobody really likes to have their dating skills
likes to have their dating skills
likes to have their dating skills critiqued who would have thought there’s
critiqued who would have thought there’s
critiqued who would have thought there’s still such a taboo around this topic
still such a taboo around this topic
still such a taboo around this topic that it is difficult if not impossible
that it is difficult if not impossible
that it is difficult if not impossible to get funding for these types of
to get funding for these types of
to get funding for these types of studies
studies
studies never mind that dating is not one skill
never mind that dating is not one skill
never mind that dating is not one skill it’s many many skills almost all of
it’s many many skills almost all of
it’s many many skills almost all of which are complex and confusing and hard
which are complex and confusing and hard
which are complex and confusing and hard as hell to understand for someone who
as hell to understand for someone who
as hell to understand for someone who isn’t on the autism spectrum let alone
isn’t on the autism spectrum let alone
isn’t on the autism spectrum let alone with someone who is further complicating
with someone who is further complicating
with someone who is further complicating the issue the equation is the damn if
the issue the equation is the damn if
the issue the equation is the damn if you do it then if you don’t do it factor
you do it then if you don’t do it factor
you do it then if you don’t do it factor well the sexist double standard chaser
well the sexist double standard chaser
well the sexist double standard chaser oh no he wants to have sex oh that can’t
oh no he wants to have sex oh that can’t
oh no he wants to have sex oh that can’t happen that’s not acceptable
happen that’s not acceptable
happen that’s not acceptable he doesn’t want to have sex what’s wrong
he doesn’t want to have sex what’s wrong
he doesn’t want to have sex what’s wrong with him something must be wrong but if
with him something must be wrong but if
with him something must be wrong but if you flip it and reverse it she doesn’t
you flip it and reverse it she doesn’t
you flip it and reverse it she doesn’t want to have sex oh that’s okay that’s
want to have sex oh that’s okay that’s
want to have sex oh that’s okay that’s perfectly fine there is also a
perfectly fine there is also a
perfectly fine there is also a presumption of heterosexuality among
presumption of heterosexuality among
presumption of heterosexuality among autistic individuals which presents
autistic individuals which presents
autistic individuals which presents additional difficulties for people on
additional difficulties for people on
additional difficulties for people on the spectrum who identify as LGBT or
the spectrum who identify as LGBT or
the spectrum who identify as LGBT or asexual having a cultural and/or
asexual having a cultural and/or
asexual having a cultural and/or religious stigma against their
religious stigma against their
religious stigma against their orientation or gender identity often
orientation or gender identity often
orientation or gender identity often precludes these individuals from being
precludes these individuals from being
precludes these individuals from being able to express themselves in a safe and
able to express themselves in a safe and
able to express themselves in a safe and healthy way clearly it is incredibly
healthy way clearly it is incredibly
healthy way clearly it is incredibly harmful and dehumanizing to exclude
harmful and dehumanizing to exclude
harmful and dehumanizing to exclude autistic individuals who have desires
autistic individuals who have desires
autistic individuals who have desires and who want to have sex from sexual
and who want to have sex from sexual
and who want to have sex from sexual experiences we know that but now the
experiences we know that but now the
experiences we know that but now the question becomes what can we do about it
question becomes what can we do about it
question becomes what can we do about it how do we make it okay for someone like
how do we make it okay for someone like
how do we make it okay for someone like me to say I’m autistic and I have sex
me to say I’m autistic and I have sex
me to say I’m autistic and I have sex without pearls being clutched and
without pearls being clutched and
without pearls being clutched and furniture stores having a run on
furniture stores having a run on
furniture stores having a run on feigning couches to shift the paradigm
feigning couches to shift the paradigm
feigning couches to shift the paradigm to reshape our perception of autism and
to reshape our perception of autism and
to reshape our perception of autism and sexuality we need more research if
sexuality we need more research if
sexuality we need more research if behavior analysts can do preference
behavior analysts can do preference
behavior analysts can do preference assessments for skittles versus M&Ms
assessments for skittles versus M&Ms
assessments for skittles versus M&Ms they can do them for hugging versus
they can do them for hugging versus
they can do them for hugging versus kissing touching on the arm versus
kissing touching on the arm versus
kissing touching on the arm versus touching on the face and so on and we
touching on the face and so on and we
touching on the face and so on and we need to have not only more studies on
need to have not only more studies on
need to have not only more studies on sexuality with autistic participants but
sexuality with autistic participants but
sexuality with autistic participants but we need studies on sexuality with
we need studies on sexuality with
we need studies on sexuality with autistic researchers include us in the
autistic researchers include us in the
autistic researchers include us in the process see us not as children needing
process see us not as children needing
process see us not as children needing to be taught but as who we are
to be taught but as who we are
to be taught but as who we are intelligent capable adults who want to
intelligent capable adults who want to
intelligent capable adults who want to engage in this discussion as equals
engage in this discussion as equals
engage in this discussion as equals among you and from this research there
among you and from this research there
among you and from this research there may come new supports that can help
may come new supports that can help
may come new supports that can help autistic individuals embrace their
autistic individuals embrace their
autistic individuals embrace their sexuality from the physical such as
sexuality from the physical such as
sexuality from the physical such as learning how to masturbate appropriately
learning how to masturbate appropriately
learning how to masturbate appropriately to the emotional learning how to
to the emotional learning how to
to the emotional learning how to establish intimacy with someone which
establish intimacy with someone which
establish intimacy with someone which should happen fire fire prior to
should happen fire fire prior to
should happen fire fire prior to anything else because after all sex
anything else because after all sex
anything else because after all sex begins long before sex begins as the
begins long before sex begins as the
begins long before sex begins as the saying goes we must create supports that
saying goes we must create supports that
saying goes we must create supports that neither overly eroticized
neither overly eroticized
neither overly eroticized nor infantilized hand puppets for a 30
nor infantilized hand puppets for a 30
nor infantilized hand puppets for a 30 year old autistic people’s sexuality and
year old autistic people’s sexuality and
year old autistic people’s sexuality and that meet them exactly where they are
that meet them exactly where they are
that meet them exactly where they are and at the level that best fits their
and at the level that best fits their
and at the level that best fits their specific needs
specific needs
specific needs perhaps most obvious and yet least
perhaps most obvious and yet least
perhaps most obvious and yet least considered
considered
considered is finally acknowledging autistic
is finally acknowledging autistic
is finally acknowledging autistic individuals as sexual beings recognizing
individuals as sexual beings recognizing
individuals as sexual beings recognizing that we have the capacity for sex for
that we have the capacity for sex for
that we have the capacity for sex for pleasure foreplay change your ideas
pleasure foreplay change your ideas
pleasure foreplay change your ideas about autism and you can change the
about autism and you can change the
about autism and you can change the world and when this all comes to pass
world and when this all comes to pass
world and when this all comes to pass when we as autistic people realize that
when we as autistic people realize that
when we as autistic people realize that we alone control access to our bodies
we alone control access to our bodies
we alone control access to our bodies and ultimately our sexual destinies and
and ultimately our sexual destinies and
and ultimately our sexual destinies and when we have the information needed to
when we have the information needed to
when we have the information needed to make informed choices then we will be
make informed choices then we will be
make informed choices then we will be complete
complete
complete empowered confidence is an unstoppable
empowered confidence is an unstoppable
empowered confidence is an unstoppable force a chin up chest out kind of
force a chin up chest out kind of
force a chin up chest out kind of feeling that becomes all the more
feeling that becomes all the more
feeling that becomes all the more meaningful when you live the bulk of
meaningful when you live the bulk of
meaningful when you live the bulk of your life without it through education
your life without it through education
your life without it through education and empowerment individuals with autism
and empowerment individuals with autism
and empowerment individuals with autism can be free to go forward and have
can be free to go forward and have
can be free to go forward and have hopefully really really great sex
”
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