growing up I loved to perform being on stage and performing felt like the most
stage and performing felt like the most
stage and performing felt like the most natural thing in the world and I was a
natural thing in the world and I was a
natural thing in the world and I was a bold performer I was never fearful never
bold performer I was never fearful never
bold performer I was never fearful never got nervous it was actually the opposite
got nervous it was actually the opposite
got nervous it was actually the opposite being on stage brought out the best in
being on stage brought out the best in
being on stage brought out the best in me even better than what I could produce
me even better than what I could produce
me even better than what I could produce in the practice room so you may not be a
in the practice room so you may not be a
in the practice room so you may not be a pianist but can relate to this kind of
pianist but can relate to this kind of
pianist but can relate to this kind of feeling where what you do might look
feeling where what you do might look
feeling where what you do might look like hard work to other people but for
like hard work to other people but for
like hard work to other people but for you it’s your passion it comes easily to
you it’s your passion it comes easily to
you it’s your passion it comes easily to you and it’s an escape that you can’t
you and it’s an escape that you can’t
you and it’s an escape that you can’t wait to sink your teeth in as a child I
wait to sink your teeth in as a child I
wait to sink your teeth in as a child I dreamed of becoming an artist and
dreamed of becoming an artist and
dreamed of becoming an artist and performing professionally and I get to
performing professionally and I get to
performing professionally and I get to do that now and I feel so incredibly
do that now and I feel so incredibly
do that now and I feel so incredibly lucky but along the way I went from
lucky but along the way I went from
lucky but along the way I went from being a bold performer into developing
being a bold performer into developing
being a bold performer into developing crippling stage fright
crippling stage fright
crippling stage fright coupled with bouts of intense anxiety
coupled with bouts of intense anxiety
coupled with bouts of intense anxiety and depression around performing so who
and depression around performing so who
and depression around performing so who can relate to this you were once
can relate to this you were once
can relate to this you were once fearless in your pursuit but then
fearless in your pursuit but then
fearless in your pursuit but then something happened and you became
something happened and you became
something happened and you became fearful and anxious and depressed around
fearful and anxious and depressed around
fearful and anxious and depressed around the very thing that you love to do I’m
the very thing that you love to do I’m
the very thing that you love to do I’m here to tell you what fear tries to
here to tell you what fear tries to
here to tell you what fear tries to steal from you
steal from you
steal from you and how you can get it back so you can
and how you can get it back so you can
and how you can get it back so you can get back to enjoying what you love to do
when I was younger I had an
when I was younger I had an extraordinary piano teacher her name was
extraordinary piano teacher her name was
extraordinary piano teacher her name was Ellen Arsenyev and in our lessons she
Ellen Arsenyev and in our lessons she
Ellen Arsenyev and in our lessons she was always talking to me about this
was always talking to me about this
was always talking to me about this sound and how to produce magic in this
sound and how to produce magic in this
sound and how to produce magic in this sound the sound is the core of
sound the sound is the core of
sound the sound is the core of everything that I do as an artist and a
everything that I do as an artist and a
everything that I do as an artist and a musician it’s what gives those black
musician it’s what gives those black
musician it’s what gives those black dots on the page
dots on the page
dots on the page which are the notes and the piece of
which are the notes and the piece of
which are the notes and the piece of wood that is my instrument any kind of
wood that is my instrument any kind of
wood that is my instrument any kind of meeting and creating meaningful sound is
meeting and creating meaningful sound is
meeting and creating meaningful sound is all that matters in music the opposite
all that matters in music the opposite
all that matters in music the opposite of focusing on the sound are things that
of focusing on the sound are things that
of focusing on the sound are things that was sometimes we get caught up in
was sometimes we get caught up in
was sometimes we get caught up in getting distracted trying to impress
getting distracted trying to impress
getting distracted trying to impress people worrying about our egos alehna
people worrying about our egos alehna
people worrying about our egos alehna inspired me encouraged me to use my
inspired me encouraged me to use my
inspired me encouraged me to use my creativity and imagination to create
creativity and imagination to create
creativity and imagination to create these stories and dialogue with
these stories and dialogue with
these stories and dialogue with characters and vivid imagery to make
characters and vivid imagery to make
characters and vivid imagery to make this wonderful music that I love so much
this wonderful music that I love so much
this wonderful music that I love so much come alive but most importantly she
come alive but most importantly she
come alive but most importantly she truly believed in me as both a person
truly believed in me as both a person
truly believed in me as both a person and an artist she inspired me to trust
and an artist she inspired me to trust
and an artist she inspired me to trust in my gift then I went off to college
in my gift then I went off to college
in my gift then I went off to college and I met a professor who was the
and I met a professor who was the
and I met a professor who was the complete opposite of Elena and he was a
complete opposite of Elena and he was a
complete opposite of Elena and he was a bully so I thought bullies had left my
bully so I thought bullies had left my
bully so I thought bullies had left my life in fifth grade permanently but come
life in fifth grade permanently but come
life in fifth grade permanently but come to find out I would meet one again face
to find out I would meet one again face
to find out I would meet one again face to face in college and he would come in
to face in college and he would come in
to face in college and he would come in the in the form of a professor and he
the in the form of a professor and he
the in the form of a professor and he was a bully he put me down every single
was a bully he put me down every single
was a bully he put me down every single time he saw me he humiliated me in front
time he saw me he humiliated me in front
time he saw me he humiliated me in front of my peers and other faculty members
of my peers and other faculty members
of my peers and other faculty members but worse still he used the piano my
but worse still he used the piano my
but worse still he used the piano my passion as a tool to attack my character
around this time I started to doubt
around this time I started to doubt myself I started having bad performances
myself I started having bad performances
myself I started having bad performances and I really just wanted to give up so
and I really just wanted to give up so
and I really just wanted to give up so there I was miserable and having to
there I was miserable and having to
there I was miserable and having to decide whether or not I should continue
decide whether or not I should continue
decide whether or not I should continue but the thing was I remembered how much
but the thing was I remembered how much
but the thing was I remembered how much I loved performing and I remembered how
I loved performing and I remembered how
I loved performing and I remembered how great it felt and I thought if I worked
great it felt and I thought if I worked
great it felt and I thought if I worked really hard I could get that feeling
really hard I could get that feeling
really hard I could get that feeling back somehow
back somehow
back somehow and then I wouldn’t let this one person
and then I wouldn’t let this one person
and then I wouldn’t let this one person take this from me so you know what I did
take this from me so you know what I did
take this from me so you know what I did this is when we cue the rocky comeback
this is when we cue the rocky comeback
this is when we cue the rocky comeback music okay because I went for it I moved
music okay because I went for it I moved
music okay because I went for it I moved to New York City I got my masters and
to New York City I got my masters and
to New York City I got my masters and then I dove deep into becoming that
then I dove deep into becoming that
then I dove deep into becoming that artist that I always wanted to become I
artist that I always wanted to become I
artist that I always wanted to become I worked on interesting projects I worked
worked on interesting projects I worked
worked on interesting projects I worked with amazing artists that I followed for
with amazing artists that I followed for
with amazing artists that I followed for years I performed in venues that I
years I performed in venues that I
years I performed in venues that I dreamed of performing it as a child I
dreamed of performing it as a child I
dreamed of performing it as a child I did it I was living the dream everything
did it I was living the dream everything
did it I was living the dream everything was great I I showed him yeah I did it I
was great I I showed him yeah I did it I
was great I I showed him yeah I did it I was living the dream
was living the dream
was living the dream except he saw this coming right except I
except he saw this coming right except I
except he saw this coming right except I wasn’t
wasn’t
wasn’t I really wasn’t because the truth was
I really wasn’t because the truth was
I really wasn’t because the truth was this I was scared
this I was scared
this I was scared the entire time every time I walked on
the entire time every time I walked on
the entire time every time I walked on stage I was terrified and I always
stage I was terrified and I always
stage I was terrified and I always thought to myself this this is one
thought to myself this this is one
thought to myself this this is one they’ll figure out that he was right
they’ll figure out that he was right
they’ll figure out that he was right about me the key to performing at your
about me the key to performing at your
about me the key to performing at your highest levels and getting back what
highest levels and getting back what
highest levels and getting back what fear took from you which for the record
fear took from you which for the record
fear took from you which for the record is your confidence your joy your pride
is your confidence your joy your pride
is your confidence your joy your pride great daring is this you have to give
great daring is this you have to give
great daring is this you have to give yourself permission to believe in people
yourself permission to believe in people
yourself permission to believe in people again even though people may not have
again even though people may not have
again even though people may not have always believed in you what Professor
always believed in you what Professor
always believed in you what Professor bully took from me was his fearlessness
bully took from me was his fearlessness
bully took from me was his fearlessness that I had and knowing that I’m worthy
that I had and knowing that I’m worthy
that I had and knowing that I’m worthy of being on this stage but I have to
of being on this stage but I have to
of being on this stage but I have to admit that I didn’t get to this
admit that I didn’t get to this
admit that I didn’t get to this realization on my own I worked really
realization on my own I worked really
realization on my own I worked really hard and it took a long time of learning
hard and it took a long time of learning
hard and it took a long time of learning and trying new things and experimenting
and trying new things and experimenting
and trying new things and experimenting and one thing that was really pivotal
and one thing that was really pivotal
and one thing that was really pivotal and life-changing for me was this
and life-changing for me was this
and life-changing for me was this meditation exercise called performing
meditation exercise called performing
meditation exercise called performing beyond fear
beyond fear
beyond fear and it was created by Madeline bruiser
and it was created by Madeline bruiser
and it was created by Madeline bruiser and in this meditation exercise you
and in this meditation exercise you
and in this meditation exercise you focus on some core principles and one
focus on some core principles and one
focus on some core principles and one principle that was the most
principle that was the most
principle that was the most transformational for me was called basic
transformational for me was called basic
transformational for me was called basic goodness of audience basic goodness of
goodness of audience basic goodness of
goodness of audience basic goodness of audience is thinking about what and who
audience is thinking about what and who
audience is thinking about what and who your audience is why they come and what
your audience is why they come and what
your audience is why they come and what you want to give them what Professor
you want to give them what Professor
you want to give them what Professor really did was he systematically
really did was he systematically
really did was he systematically instilled in me this idea of a hyper
instilled in me this idea of a hyper
instilled in me this idea of a hyper critical audience that was just waiting
critical audience that was just waiting
critical audience that was just waiting to see me fall flat on my face because
to see me fall flat on my face because
to see me fall flat on my face because that’s who he was for me I began to see
that’s who he was for me I began to see
that’s who he was for me I began to see everybody like that
everybody like that
everybody like that not just in audiences but in all areas
not just in audiences but in all areas
not just in audiences but in all areas of my life the key though is that I had
of my life the key though is that I had
of my life the key though is that I had to remember that people come to
to remember that people come to
to remember that people come to performances because they want to be
performances because they want to be
performances because they want to be moved and inspired they’re not there to
moved and inspired they’re not there to
moved and inspired they’re not there to see failure failure they expect beauty
see failure failure they expect beauty
see failure failure they expect beauty and I get this in a way that I never had
and I get this in a way that I never had
and I get this in a way that I never had before because when I first did this
before because when I first did this
before because when I first did this meditation performing beyond fear it
meditation performing beyond fear it
meditation performing beyond fear it brought to mind people who’ve written me
brought to mind people who’ve written me
brought to mind people who’ve written me and Express how much they enjoyed a
and Express how much they enjoyed a
and Express how much they enjoyed a particular performance of mine and I
particular performance of mine and I
particular performance of mine and I remember a lot of those times feeling
remember a lot of those times feeling
remember a lot of those times feeling like I didn’t perform well at all there
like I didn’t perform well at all there
like I didn’t perform well at all there was this one time that I was performing
was this one time that I was performing
was this one time that I was performing a piece written for me by this composer
a piece written for me by this composer
a piece written for me by this composer who was in the audience and I was a
who was in the audience and I was a
who was in the audience and I was a nervous wreck and I remember feeling so
nervous wreck and I remember feeling so
nervous wreck and I remember feeling so badly about how this performance went
badly about how this performance went
badly about how this performance went and I was so embarrassed come to find
and I was so embarrassed come to find
and I was so embarrassed come to find out later I found out that this one
out later I found out that this one
out later I found out that this one audience member was incredibly moved by
audience member was incredibly moved by
audience member was incredibly moved by this particular piece and he even
this particular piece and he even
this particular piece and he even thought I was so elegant and calm when I
thought I was so elegant and calm when I
thought I was so elegant and calm when I was really shaking like a leaf inside
was really shaking like a leaf inside
was really shaking like a leaf inside this person had a completely different
this person had a completely different
this person had a completely different elevated experience and the one I was
elevated experience and the one I was
elevated experience and the one I was having in my head he had come to the
having in my head he had come to the
having in my head he had come to the performance expecting to be moved
performance expecting to be moved
performance expecting to be moved so he was I wonder what would happen if
so he was I wonder what would happen if
so he was I wonder what would happen if we could trust in ourselves that we’d
we could trust in ourselves that we’d
we could trust in ourselves that we’d always be this effective well we’d be
always be this effective well we’d be
always be this effective well we’d be effective it’s easy to remember all the
effective it’s easy to remember all the
effective it’s easy to remember all the bad experiences and the people who’ve
bad experiences and the people who’ve
bad experiences and the people who’ve hurt you
hurt you
hurt you professor bully was not the only person
professor bully was not the only person
professor bully was not the only person it will not be the only person who’s put
it will not be the only person who’s put
it will not be the only person who’s put me down in my life and I suspect that
me down in my life and I suspect that
me down in my life and I suspect that for many of you you may come across
for many of you you may come across
for many of you you may come across people like this in your lives as well
people like this in your lives as well
people like this in your lives as well the key is to not allow things to be
the key is to not allow things to be
the key is to not allow things to be taken from us but if they are we must
taken from us but if they are we must
taken from us but if they are we must decide to regain what was lost and
decide to regain what was lost and
decide to regain what was lost and actively work towards that I have
actively work towards that I have
actively work towards that I have confidence now in knowing the basic
confidence now in knowing the basic
confidence now in knowing the basic goodness of the audience and that they
goodness of the audience and that they
goodness of the audience and that they come to be moved and inspired by the
come to be moved and inspired by the
come to be moved and inspired by the music that I create they’re not there to
music that I create they’re not there to
music that I create they’re not there to judge me whether you know things don’t
judge me whether you know things don’t
judge me whether you know things don’t go perfectly or if I make mistakes I
go perfectly or if I make mistakes I
go perfectly or if I make mistakes I wonder what would happen if we could
wonder what would happen if we could
wonder what would happen if we could always believe in people this way and
always believe in people this way and
always believe in people this way and sure there may be people in the audience
sure there may be people in the audience
sure there may be people in the audience you do want to see me fail I have no
you do want to see me fail I have no
you do want to see me fail I have no idea of knowing and maybe there always
idea of knowing and maybe there always
idea of knowing and maybe there always be people like that but I understand the
be people like that but I understand the
be people like that but I understand the basic goodness of the audience that I
basic goodness of the audience that I
basic goodness of the audience that I want to serve and that I’m performing
want to serve and that I’m performing
want to serve and that I’m performing for and I also understand for the first
for and I also understand for the first
for and I also understand for the first time the basic goodness that I have in
time the basic goodness that I have in
time the basic goodness that I have in myself and wanting to create that sound
myself and wanting to create that sound
myself and wanting to create that sound and magic that Ilana had taught me all
and magic that Ilana had taught me all
and magic that Ilana had taught me all those years ago that at the core I want
those years ago that at the core I want
those years ago that at the core I want to move and inspire people through music
to move and inspire people through music
to move and inspire people through music and in everything I want to do in my
and in everything I want to do in my
and in everything I want to do in my life that’s what I want to do so I’m
life that’s what I want to do so I’m
life that’s what I want to do so I’m gonna admit something to you I came here
gonna admit something to you I came here
gonna admit something to you I came here thinking I was gonna play something
thinking I was gonna play something
thinking I was gonna play something super flashy for you because for years I
super flashy for you because for years I
super flashy for you because for years I thought this is how I needed to prove
thought this is how I needed to prove
thought this is how I needed to prove myself but I don’t do that anymore and I
myself but I don’t do that anymore and I
myself but I don’t do that anymore and I only play stuff that I like and I love
only play stuff that I like and I love
only play stuff that I like and I love this piece
this piece
this piece little midnight Nocturne by Fred Hirsch
little midnight Nocturne by Fred Hirsch
little midnight Nocturne by Fred Hirsch and it has this sound and it’s so
and it has this sound and it’s so
and it has this sound and it’s so beautiful in the opening passage I want
beautiful in the opening passage I want
beautiful in the opening passage I want you to imagine being alone on a quiet
you to imagine being alone on a quiet
you to imagine being alone on a quiet Street on a dark foggy evening and
Street on a dark foggy evening and
Street on a dark foggy evening and hearing this quiet and stillness that is
hearing this quiet and stillness that is
hearing this quiet and stillness that is the beauty of this world and I hope that
the beauty of this world and I hope that
the beauty of this world and I hope that you’re removed and inspired by it
”
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