her name was Regina it’s a wonder I don’t remember her last name given the
don’t remember her last name given the
don’t remember her last name given the impact she had on me in the summer of
impact she had on me in the summer of
impact she had on me in the summer of 1984 Regina was a brilliant woman who
1984 Regina was a brilliant woman who
1984 Regina was a brilliant woman who was heading off to Harvard Medical
was heading off to Harvard Medical
was heading off to Harvard Medical School in the fall that summer she and I
School in the fall that summer she and I
School in the fall that summer she and I were both hired as interns at a major
were both hired as interns at a major
were both hired as interns at a major pharmaceutical firm in the Midwest the
pharmaceutical firm in the Midwest the
pharmaceutical firm in the Midwest the company arranged housing and Regina and
company arranged housing and Regina and
company arranged housing and Regina and I were assigned as roommates she taught
I were assigned as roommates she taught
I were assigned as roommates she taught me a lot that summer about what it takes
me a lot that summer about what it takes
me a lot that summer about what it takes to create a new drug four years of
to create a new drug four years of
to create a new drug four years of clinical trials and testing but that’s
clinical trials and testing but that’s
clinical trials and testing but that’s not all I learned from Regina that
not all I learned from Regina that
not all I learned from Regina that summer you see Regina was black I grew
summer you see Regina was black I grew
summer you see Regina was black I grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood
up in a predominantly white neighborhood
up in a predominantly white neighborhood and I had never really had a long
and I had never really had a long
and I had never really had a long conversation with a black person before
conversation with a black person before
conversation with a black person before in fact my grandfather who lived with us
in fact my grandfather who lived with us
in fact my grandfather who lived with us called black people
called black people
called black people Sparta’s a Yiddish term which literally
Sparta’s a Yiddish term which literally
Sparta’s a Yiddish term which literally means blacks but was often used as a
means blacks but was often used as a
means blacks but was often used as a derogatory word when I was 12 years old
derogatory word when I was 12 years old
derogatory word when I was 12 years old I remember my father coming home in a
I remember my father coming home in a
I remember my father coming home in a panic saying he was just robbed at
panic saying he was just robbed at
panic saying he was just robbed at gunpoint by a black man in Gary Indiana
gunpoint by a black man in Gary Indiana
gunpoint by a black man in Gary Indiana and when I was 16 years old I was
and when I was 16 years old I was
and when I was 16 years old I was driving back from Chicago and I got lost
driving back from Chicago and I got lost
driving back from Chicago and I got lost I took a wrong turn I ended up on the
I took a wrong turn I ended up on the
I took a wrong turn I ended up on the south side of Chicago a predominantly
south side of Chicago a predominantly
south side of Chicago a predominantly black neighborhood I stopped at a
black neighborhood I stopped at a
black neighborhood I stopped at a 7-eleven convenience store to ask for
7-eleven convenience store to ask for
7-eleven convenience store to ask for directions and before I could get out of
directions and before I could get out of
directions and before I could get out of the car a drunk black man tried to get
the car a drunk black man tried to get
the car a drunk black man tried to get in I was pee in my pants scared I
in I was pee in my pants scared I
in I was pee in my pants scared I quickly locked the doors rolled up the
quickly locked the doors rolled up the
quickly locked the doors rolled up the windows and got out of there I drove
windows and got out of there I drove
windows and got out of there I drove around until I found a police car and
around until I found a police car and
around until I found a police car and the very first thing out of that police
the very first thing out of that police
the very first thing out of that police officers mouth was what are you doing in
officers mouth was what are you doing in
officers mouth was what are you doing in this neighborhood white girl
this neighborhood white girl
this neighborhood white girl my impressions about black people were
my impressions about black people were
my impressions about black people were formed by what I heard and what I
formed by what I heard and what I
formed by what I heard and what I experienced and this is how prejudices
experienced and this is how prejudices
experienced and this is how prejudices get formed often by what we hear by
get formed often by what we hear by
get formed often by what we hear by those we love and trust and then
those we love and trust and then
those we love and trust and then experiences that back it up but it’s not
experiences that back it up but it’s not
experiences that back it up but it’s not as simple as that see we all have
as simple as that see we all have
as simple as that see we all have something called confirmation bias which
something called confirmation bias which
something called confirmation bias which means we look for those experiences as
means we look for those experiences as
means we look for those experiences as evidence to confirm what we already
evidence to confirm what we already
evidence to confirm what we already believe and we ignore and we refute
believe and we ignore and we refute
believe and we ignore and we refute experiences and evidence that refutes it
experiences and evidence that refutes it
experiences and evidence that refutes it that goes against it so the black robber
that goes against it so the black robber
that goes against it so the black robber and the drunk black man confirmed my
and the drunk black man confirmed my
and the drunk black man confirmed my belief that blacks were up to no good
belief that blacks were up to no good
belief that blacks were up to no good and yet at the same time I probably
and yet at the same time I probably
and yet at the same time I probably ignored a nice black sales lady that
ignored a nice black sales lady that
ignored a nice black sales lady that waited on me in a store and I barely
waited on me in a store and I barely
waited on me in a store and I barely gave a second thought to the nice black
gave a second thought to the nice black
gave a second thought to the nice black police officer who helped me get back
police officer who helped me get back
police officer who helped me get back home so here I was moving with Regina
home so here I was moving with Regina
home so here I was moving with Regina and that summer we also carpooled with
and that summer we also carpooled with
and that summer we also carpooled with three male colleagues all black I
three male colleagues all black I
three male colleagues all black I remember one time on our way to work I
remember one time on our way to work I
remember one time on our way to work I was sitting in the backseat and I was
was sitting in the backseat and I was
was sitting in the backseat and I was looking out the window at a stoplight
looking out the window at a stoplight
looking out the window at a stoplight there was a white woman in the car next
there was a white woman in the car next
there was a white woman in the car next to me and she looked over at me and she
to me and she looked over at me and she
to me and she looked over at me and she she kind of did a double-take and then
she kind of did a double-take and then
she kind of did a double-take and then she mouthed are you okay as if just
she mouthed are you okay as if just
she mouthed are you okay as if just being a white woman in a car with four
being a white woman in a car with four
being a white woman in a car with four black people must have meant something
black people must have meant something
black people must have meant something nefarious was at hand I turned to the
nefarious was at hand I turned to the
nefarious was at hand I turned to the people in the car and I told them what
people in the car and I told them what
people in the car and I told them what just happened and they weren’t even
just happened and they weren’t even
just happened and they weren’t even surprised
surprised
surprised in fact I learned a lot from all of them
in fact I learned a lot from all of them
in fact I learned a lot from all of them that summer I learned how much harder
that summer I learned how much harder
that summer I learned how much harder they had to work to make a good
they had to work to make a good
they had to work to make a good impression how people often expected the
impression how people often expected the
impression how people often expected the worst of them and then were almost
worst of them and then were almost
worst of them and then were almost surprised to find out that they were
surprised to find out that they were
surprised to find out that they were good and kind and decent and smart I
good and kind and decent and smart I
good and kind and decent and smart I learned that if a man’s name was Tyrell
learned that if a man’s name was Tyrell
learned that if a man’s name was Tyrell versus Tim his opinion was already
versus Tim his opinion was already
versus Tim his opinion was already discounted and I learned that if they
discounted and I learned that if they
discounted and I learned that if they walked into an upscale department store
walked into an upscale department store
walked into an upscale department store they were often followed by security
they were often followed by security
they were often followed by security guards
guards
guards I also learned when they took me to a
I also learned when they took me to a
I also learned when they took me to a restaurant in a predominately black
restaurant in a predominately black
restaurant in a predominately black neighborhood I still felt scared sure my
neighborhood I still felt scared sure my
neighborhood I still felt scared sure my tolerance and acceptance of educated
tolerance and acceptance of educated
tolerance and acceptance of educated black people went up but all others it
black people went up but all others it
black people went up but all others it took me about an hour sitting there in
took me about an hour sitting there in
took me about an hour sitting there in the restaurant to fully calm down I saw
the restaurant to fully calm down I saw
the restaurant to fully calm down I saw that the waitress was sweet and that
that the waitress was sweet and that
that the waitress was sweet and that everybody there was just peacefully
everybody there was just peacefully
everybody there was just peacefully eating their meal I realized then I had
eating their meal I realized then I had
eating their meal I realized then I had to start doing a better job at judging
to start doing a better job at judging
to start doing a better job at judging people by their character and not the
people by their character and not the
people by their character and not the color of their skin
color of their skin
color of their skin fast forward to more than thirty years
fast forward to more than thirty years
fast forward to more than thirty years later and we still are dealing with
later and we still are dealing with
later and we still are dealing with issues of prejudice the whole movement
issues of prejudice the whole movement
issues of prejudice the whole movement of black lives matter is a testament to
of black lives matter is a testament to
of black lives matter is a testament to this and the backlash of all lives
this and the backlash of all lives
this and the backlash of all lives matter means people still don’t get it
matter means people still don’t get it
matter means people still don’t get it of course all lives matter but black
of course all lives matter but black
of course all lives matter but black lives matter just as much as a Jew I
lives matter just as much as a Jew I
lives matter just as much as a Jew I have also been the target of prejudice
have also been the target of prejudice
have also been the target of prejudice my in-laws are Holocaust survivors and I
my in-laws are Holocaust survivors and I
my in-laws are Holocaust survivors and I have a lot of distant relatives who were
have a lot of distant relatives who were
have a lot of distant relatives who were murdered at outfits my oldest son came
murdered at outfits my oldest son came
murdered at outfits my oldest son came home one day and he said some boys threw
home one day and he said some boys threw
home one day and he said some boys threw coins at his feet and said pick it up
coins at his feet and said pick it up
coins at his feet and said pick it up Jew you know you want it and in 2017
Jew you know you want it and in 2017
Jew you know you want it and in 2017 there has been an 86 percent spike in
there has been an 86 percent spike in
there has been an 86 percent spike in anti-semitic incidents in the US alone
and it doesn’t stop there there are
and it doesn’t stop there there are those who hate or suspicious of all
those who hate or suspicious of all
those who hate or suspicious of all Muslims because a small percentage of
Muslims because a small percentage of
Muslims because a small percentage of them have tried to kidnap the religion
them have tried to kidnap the religion
them have tried to kidnap the religion for their own radical agenda there are
for their own radical agenda there are
for their own radical agenda there are those who believe that all Polish people
those who believe that all Polish people
those who believe that all Polish people are stupid or Irish or drunkards or
are stupid or Irish or drunkards or
are stupid or Irish or drunkards or Mexicans or lazy or Protestants or too
Mexicans or lazy or Protestants or too
Mexicans or lazy or Protestants or too uptight people thinking that other
uptight people thinking that other
uptight people thinking that other people are worse just because they’re
people are worse just because they’re
people are worse just because they’re different so I want you to all do me a
different so I want you to all do me a
different so I want you to all do me a favor and take a look at one of your
favor and take a look at one of your
favor and take a look at one of your neighbors just take a look you’ll notice
neighbors just take a look you’ll notice
neighbors just take a look you’ll notice the physical differences maybe their
the physical differences maybe their
the physical differences maybe their hair is different or the color of their
hair is different or the color of their
hair is different or the color of their skin maybe their eye color is different
skin maybe their eye color is different
skin maybe their eye color is different I would say maybe what they’re wearing
I would say maybe what they’re wearing
I would say maybe what they’re wearing but we’ve got a lot of Rutgers prep and
but we’ve got a lot of Rutgers prep and
but we’ve got a lot of Rutgers prep and read the physical differences you’ll
read the physical differences you’ll
read the physical differences you’ll notice but what you won’t notice are all
notice but what you won’t notice are all
notice but what you won’t notice are all the differences going on inside their
the differences going on inside their
the differences going on inside their head they may have a different religious
head they may have a different religious
head they may have a different religious belief than you they may feel
belief than you they may feel
belief than you they may feel differently about global warming or gun
differently about global warming or gun
differently about global warming or gun rights or what to do for our environment
rights or what to do for our environment
rights or what to do for our environment they may have a different view on world
they may have a different view on world
they may have a different view on world politics world economics they may have
politics world economics they may have
politics world economics they may have been raised with different family values
been raised with different family values
been raised with different family values or they may have different thoughts
or they may have different thoughts
or they may have different thoughts about what constitutes a family they may
about what constitutes a family they may
about what constitutes a family they may have a different sexual orientation or a
have a different sexual orientation or a
have a different sexual orientation or a different ethnic background right here
different ethnic background right here
different ethnic background right here in this audience alone you are already
in this audience alone you are already
in this audience alone you are already in a sea of differences I do not know if
in a sea of differences I do not know if
in a sea of differences I do not know if we will ever live in a world of total
we will ever live in a world of total
we will ever live in a world of total tolerance but I do know that each of us
tolerance but I do know that each of us
tolerance but I do know that each of us here today can make choices to create a
here today can make choices to create a
here today can make choices to create a more tolerant accepting world
I have to say I am a self dubbed queen
I have to say I am a self dubbed queen of choice I wrote a book about choices I
of choice I wrote a book about choices I
of choice I wrote a book about choices I speak about choices and in my executive
speak about choices and in my executive
speak about choices and in my executive coaching practice I help leaders make
coaching practice I help leaders make
coaching practice I help leaders make choices all the time
choices all the time
choices all the time to maximize their potential what we
to maximize their potential what we
to maximize their potential what we believe about ourselves and others is a
believe about ourselves and others is a
believe about ourselves and others is a choice the way we treat others is a
choice the way we treat others is a
choice the way we treat others is a choice and what we do to create a more
choice and what we do to create a more
choice and what we do to create a more tolerant accepting world is a choice so
tolerant accepting world is a choice so
tolerant accepting world is a choice so what can we do what difference can we
what can we do what difference can we
what can we do what difference can we make what choices can we choose well let
make what choices can we choose well let
make what choices can we choose well let me tell you what I’ve done the first
me tell you what I’ve done the first
me tell you what I’ve done the first thing I chose to do was to become more
thing I chose to do was to become more
thing I chose to do was to become more conscious more aware of my prejudices I
conscious more aware of my prejudices I
conscious more aware of my prejudices I didn’t even realize how precious I was
didn’t even realize how precious I was
didn’t even realize how precious I was against Blacks until Regina opened that
against Blacks until Regina opened that
against Blacks until Regina opened that door and my very first thought was uh-oh
door and my very first thought was uh-oh
door and my very first thought was uh-oh and then I saw her afro and I thought
and then I saw her afro and I thought
and then I saw her afro and I thought what’s that all about aren’t black
what’s that all about aren’t black
what’s that all about aren’t black supposed to relax their hair to fit in I
supposed to relax their hair to fit in I
supposed to relax their hair to fit in I took it as a sign of defiance and I felt
took it as a sign of defiance and I felt
took it as a sign of defiance and I felt scared and I felt suspicious but I
scared and I felt suspicious but I
scared and I felt suspicious but I didn’t want to feel that way about my
didn’t want to feel that way about my
didn’t want to feel that way about my roommate I really really didn’t want to
roommate I really really didn’t want to
roommate I really really didn’t want to feel that way so the second thing I
feel that way so the second thing I
feel that way so the second thing I chose to do was to become curious to ask
chose to do was to become curious to ask
chose to do was to become curious to ask for about her background her experiences
for about her background her experiences
for about her background her experiences her likes her dislikes her family her
her likes her dislikes her family her
her likes her dislikes her family her boyfriends I really wanted to get to
boyfriends I really wanted to get to
boyfriends I really wanted to get to know Regina as a person and not as a
know Regina as a person and not as a
know Regina as a person and not as a colour the third thing I chose to do was
colour the third thing I chose to do was
colour the third thing I chose to do was to become more empathetic to her
to become more empathetic to her
to become more empathetic to her hardships and to the hardships of others
hardships and to the hardships of others
hardships and to the hardships of others I can sometimes hide the fact that I’m
I can sometimes hide the fact that I’m
I can sometimes hide the fact that I’m Jewish if someone wishes me Merry
Jewish if someone wishes me Merry
Jewish if someone wishes me Merry Christmas I often just say Merry
Christmas I often just say Merry
Christmas I often just say Merry Christmas to you too but a black person
Christmas to you too but a black person
Christmas to you too but a black person can’t hide their colour so I try to
can’t hide their colour so I try to
can’t hide their colour so I try to imagine myself going into an
imagine myself going into an
imagine myself going into an see meeting and saying hail I’m Jewish
see meeting and saying hail I’m Jewish
see meeting and saying hail I’m Jewish the kind of fear and suspicion that
the kind of fear and suspicion that
the kind of fear and suspicion that would be targeted my way and I tried to
would be targeted my way and I tried to
would be targeted my way and I tried to take that emotion and then transfer it
take that emotion and then transfer it
take that emotion and then transfer it to thinking what if I stepped into a
to thinking what if I stepped into a
to thinking what if I stepped into a store and was followed by a security
store and was followed by a security
store and was followed by a security guard and this little emotional mental
guard and this little emotional mental
guard and this little emotional mental exercise helped me feel more
exercise helped me feel more
exercise helped me feel more compassionate so conscious curious
compassionate so conscious curious
compassionate so conscious curious compassionate but I didn’t want to stop
compassionate but I didn’t want to stop
compassionate but I didn’t want to stop there so I decided to become more
there so I decided to become more
there so I decided to become more committed committed to looking at every
committed committed to looking at every
committed committed to looking at every time I prejudged someone or a group of
time I prejudged someone or a group of
time I prejudged someone or a group of people so what did I feel about those
people so what did I feel about those
people so what did I feel about those who voted opposite from me in the last
who voted opposite from me in the last
who voted opposite from me in the last election did I think they were stupid or
election did I think they were stupid or
election did I think they were stupid or racist or uncaring what did I feel about
racist or uncaring what did I feel about
racist or uncaring what did I feel about all agents did I think they were all
all agents did I think they were all
all agents did I think they were all smart or Hispanics all friendly because
smart or Hispanics all friendly because
smart or Hispanics all friendly because those two those sorts of positive
those two those sorts of positive
those two those sorts of positive stereotypes are also forms of prejudging
stereotypes are also forms of prejudging
stereotypes are also forms of prejudging prejudging people based on groups
prejudging people based on groups
prejudging people based on groups prejudging people based on backgrounds
prejudging people based on backgrounds
prejudging people based on backgrounds prejudging prejudice so I chose to be
prejudging prejudice so I chose to be
prejudging prejudice so I chose to be committed to make sure that I stopped
committed to make sure that I stopped
committed to make sure that I stopped myself any time I caught myself
myself any time I caught myself
myself any time I caught myself prejudging anyone and not getting to
prejudging anyone and not getting to
prejudging anyone and not getting to know them as individuals the next thing
know them as individuals the next thing
know them as individuals the next thing I chose to do was to be courageous it’s
I chose to do was to be courageous it’s
I chose to do was to be courageous it’s not easy for me to stand up here and
not easy for me to stand up here and
not easy for me to stand up here and admit that I once held these prejudices
admit that I once held these prejudices
admit that I once held these prejudices I’m not proud of it and in fact I feel a
I’m not proud of it and in fact I feel a
I’m not proud of it and in fact I feel a bit exposed but I’m hoping by my sharing
bit exposed but I’m hoping by my sharing
bit exposed but I’m hoping by my sharing my story it’ll inspire and encourage you
my story it’ll inspire and encourage you
my story it’ll inspire and encourage you to think about your own feelings your
to think about your own feelings your
to think about your own feelings your own beliefs and anytime you’re
own beliefs and anytime you’re
own beliefs and anytime you’re prejudging and make a choice to change
prejudging and make a choice to change
prejudging and make a choice to change okay so we have conscious curious
okay so we have conscious curious
okay so we have conscious curious compassionate committed and courageous
compassionate committed and courageous
compassionate committed and courageous so the last thing I chose to do I
so the last thing I chose to do I
so the last thing I chose to do I promise you does not begin with a C I
promise you does not begin with a C I
promise you does not begin with a C I chose to try to influence others not
chose to try to influence others not
chose to try to influence others not just through talks like this but through
just through talks like this but through
just through talks like this but through discussions discussions with individuals
discussions discussions with individuals
discussions discussions with individuals discussions not to challenge them
discussions not to challenge them
discussions not to challenge them directly because that barely ever works
directly because that barely ever works
directly because that barely ever works people get very defensive in their
people get very defensive in their
people get very defensive in their beliefs but to try to understand how
beliefs but to try to understand how
beliefs but to try to understand how they were formed where do they come from
they were formed where do they come from
they were formed where do they come from and then help chip away at them much
and then help chip away at them much
and then help chip away at them much like Regina and my carpool buddies
like Regina and my carpool buddies
like Regina and my carpool buddies helped me do so many years ago
helped me do so many years ago
helped me do so many years ago individual discussions so I guess there
individual discussions so I guess there
individual discussions so I guess there really is another C and that would be
really is another C and that would be
really is another C and that would be conversations conversations with people
conversations conversations with people
conversations conversations with people to get to know them and help them change
to get to know them and help them change
to get to know them and help them change and help them see that individuals are
and help them see that individuals are
and help them see that individuals are individuals with their own set of
individuals with their own set of
individuals with their own set of character and motivations and talents it
character and motivations and talents it
character and motivations and talents it kind of reminds me of the story of the
kind of reminds me of the story of the
kind of reminds me of the story of the boy who’s throwing starfish back in the
boy who’s throwing starfish back in the
boy who’s throwing starfish back in the ocean he picks up a starfish at the
ocean he picks up a starfish at the
ocean he picks up a starfish at the beach he throws in the ocean he picks up
beach he throws in the ocean he picks up
beach he throws in the ocean he picks up another starfish he throws it in the
another starfish he throws it in the
another starfish he throws it in the ocean and a man comes by and he says hey
ocean and a man comes by and he says hey
ocean and a man comes by and he says hey son what are you doing and the boy says
son what are you doing and the boy says
son what are you doing and the boy says well I’m throwing starfish in the ocean
well I’m throwing starfish in the ocean
well I’m throwing starfish in the ocean so they could live and the man says son
so they could live and the man says son
so they could live and the man says son look it there’s thousands and thousands
look it there’s thousands and thousands
look it there’s thousands and thousands of starfish here on the beach you’ll
of starfish here on the beach you’ll
of starfish here on the beach you’ll never make a difference and the boy
never make a difference and the boy
never make a difference and the boy picks up another starfish throws it in
picks up another starfish throws it in
picks up another starfish throws it in the ocean and says I made a difference
the ocean and says I made a difference
the ocean and says I made a difference to that one so let me leave you today
to that one so let me leave you today
to that one so let me leave you today with a question what can you do what
with a question what can you do what
with a question what can you do what choices can you make to create a more
choices can you make to create a more
choices can you make to create a more tolerant accepting world thank you
”
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