Wow so are you guys familiar with the saying
so are you guys familiar with the saying
so are you guys familiar with the saying you come into this world alone and then
you come into this world alone and then
you come into this world alone and then you go out alone you know that’s a when
you go out alone you know that’s a when
you go out alone you know that’s a when I hear it I think yes we come in alone
I hear it I think yes we come in alone
I hear it I think yes we come in alone we go out alone what about all this
we go out alone what about all this
we go out alone what about all this space in the middle the space that is
space in the middle the space that is
space in the middle the space that is our life and how often in our lives we
our life and how often in our lives we
our life and how often in our lives we feel that same kind of alone that
feel that same kind of alone that
feel that same kind of alone that they’re talking about and that saying
they’re talking about and that saying
they’re talking about and that saying it’s some it’s very specific feeling
it’s some it’s very specific feeling
it’s some it’s very specific feeling because it’s not on the outside it’s
because it’s not on the outside it’s
because it’s not on the outside it’s here sort of alone on the inside with
here sort of alone on the inside with
here sort of alone on the inside with yourself and you know it’s that kind of
yourself and you know it’s that kind of
yourself and you know it’s that kind of alone when you’re going through
alone when you’re going through
alone when you’re going through something and suddenly you realize only
something and suddenly you realize only
something and suddenly you realize only you can get you through I’m just
you can get you through I’m just
you can get you through I’m just convinced that so much of how we feel
convinced that so much of how we feel
convinced that so much of how we feel about ourselves and how we sit in our
about ourselves and how we sit in our
about ourselves and how we sit in our lives is a result of how we get through
lives is a result of how we get through
lives is a result of how we get through the hard stuff and how we deal with this
the hard stuff and how we deal with this
the hard stuff and how we deal with this place on the inside I went through a
place on the inside I went through a
place on the inside I went through a difficult experience as a younger girl
difficult experience as a younger girl
difficult experience as a younger girl and found myself having to reckon with
and found myself having to reckon with
and found myself having to reckon with this place inside I learned a lot from
this place inside I learned a lot from
this place inside I learned a lot from it so I’m number five out of seven kids
it so I’m number five out of seven kids
it so I’m number five out of seven kids I was raised in an affluent bubble of a
I was raised in an affluent bubble of a
I was raised in an affluent bubble of a suburb outside of Chicago in the top 2%
suburb outside of Chicago in the top 2%
suburb outside of Chicago in the top 2% of the over privileged in America our
of the over privileged in America our
of the over privileged in America our life did not see a whole lot of struggle
life did not see a whole lot of struggle
life did not see a whole lot of struggle we had an abundance of love and support
we had an abundance of love and support
we had an abundance of love and support and opportunity like in general my life
and opportunity like in general my life
and opportunity like in general my life was a really safe and easy place to be
was a really safe and easy place to be
was a really safe and easy place to be so in the summer of 1979 going into my
so in the summer of 1979 going into my
so in the summer of 1979 going into my senior year of high school I had sex
senior year of high school I had sex
senior year of high school I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time
with my boyfriend for the first time
with my boyfriend for the first time every time I say that sentence it feels
every time I say that sentence it feels
every time I say that sentence it feels completely ridiculous but trust me
completely ridiculous but trust me
completely ridiculous but trust me that’s going to go somewhere in this
that’s going to go somewhere in this
that’s going to go somewhere in this story so
after having sex for the first time um
after having sex for the first time um this was not something that he and I
this was not something that he and I
this was not something that he and I talked about her plan this was something
talked about her plan this was something
talked about her plan this was something that just sort of happened and honestly
that just sort of happened and honestly
that just sort of happened and honestly I wasn’t even quite sure that it
I wasn’t even quite sure that it
I wasn’t even quite sure that it happened when it was over you know what
happened when it was over you know what
happened when it was over you know what I mean so four and a half months later I
I mean so four and a half months later I
I mean so four and a half months later I find out I’m pregnant that is when I was
find out I’m pregnant that is when I was
find out I’m pregnant that is when I was sure that we did it I was actually on
sure that we did it I was actually on
sure that we did it I was actually on vacation in the British Virgin Islands
vacation in the British Virgin Islands
vacation in the British Virgin Islands with my dad and a bunch of siblings
with my dad and a bunch of siblings
with my dad and a bunch of siblings sailing on a big sailboat when I learned
sailing on a big sailboat when I learned
sailing on a big sailboat when I learned this I decided to wait to get home to
this I decided to wait to get home to
this I decided to wait to get home to tell my recently divorced parents
tell my recently divorced parents
tell my recently divorced parents together still probably the least fun
together still probably the least fun
together still probably the least fun conversation I’ve ever had in my life
conversation I’ve ever had in my life
conversation I’ve ever had in my life you know they were obviously shocked
you know they were obviously shocked
you know they were obviously shocked disappointed and gravely concerned about
disappointed and gravely concerned about
disappointed and gravely concerned about my future the one thing that my parents
my future the one thing that my parents
my future the one thing that my parents agreed upon that day was that no one
agreed upon that day was that no one
agreed upon that day was that no one could ever ever find out what this
could ever ever find out what this
could ever ever find out what this happened to me so it was decided that I
happened to me so it was decided that I
happened to me so it was decided that I would go away and hide in a Catholic
would go away and hide in a Catholic
would go away and hide in a Catholic home and have the baby and give it up
home and have the baby and give it up
home and have the baby and give it up for adoption and get back to graduate
for adoption and get back to graduate
for adoption and get back to graduate from high school my mother was
from high school my mother was
from high school my mother was completely convinced with all that she
completely convinced with all that she
completely convinced with all that she was that if anybody ever ever found this
was that if anybody ever ever found this
was that if anybody ever ever found this out it would ruin my life truly so they
out it would ruin my life truly so they
out it would ruin my life truly so they told my brothers and sisters my
told my brothers and sisters my
told my brothers and sisters my grandparents my friends the dog the
grandparents my friends the dog the
grandparents my friends the dog the mailman everybody that I was sick
mailman everybody that I was sick
mailman everybody that I was sick and living in the Mayo Clinic in
and living in the Mayo Clinic in
and living in the Mayo Clinic in Rochester Minnesota so a couple days
Rochester Minnesota so a couple days
Rochester Minnesota so a couple days after that conversation with my parents
after that conversation with my parents
after that conversation with my parents my mom found a place and we got in the
my mom found a place and we got in the
my mom found a place and we got in the car to drive a few states away to drop
car to drive a few states away to drop
car to drive a few states away to drop me off quietest drive in the history of
me off quietest drive in the history of
me off quietest drive in the history of the world and when I arrived is when I
the world and when I arrived is when I
the world and when I arrived is when I learned that this wasn’t a Catholic home
learned that this wasn’t a Catholic home
learned that this wasn’t a Catholic home it was a locked government-run facility
it was a locked government-run facility
it was a locked government-run facility for delinquent underprivileged wayward
for delinquent underprivileged wayward
for delinquent underprivileged wayward pregnant teenagers
pregnant teenagers
pregnant teenagers a world completely foreign to me a world
a world completely foreign to me a world
a world completely foreign to me a world I didn’t even know existed so I lived
I didn’t even know existed so I lived
I didn’t even know existed so I lived there for five months no contact with
there for five months no contact with
there for five months no contact with anybody I knew had the baby
anybody I knew had the baby
anybody I knew had the baby and made it home to graduate when it was
and made it home to graduate when it was
and made it home to graduate when it was all over I promised my mother that I
all over I promised my mother that I
all over I promised my mother that I would never tell anybody this story and
would never tell anybody this story and
would never tell anybody this story and I kept that promise to her for 38 years
I kept that promise to her for 38 years
I kept that promise to her for 38 years until very recently when I wrote a book
until very recently when I wrote a book
until very recently when I wrote a book my memoir called look at you now so it
my memoir called look at you now so it
my memoir called look at you now so it only takes about a two minute version of
only takes about a two minute version of
only takes about a two minute version of this story to see that it is fraught
this story to see that it is fraught
this story to see that it is fraught with lies secrets deception betrayal
with lies secrets deception betrayal
with lies secrets deception betrayal gossip rumors judgment shame all of the
gossip rumors judgment shame all of the
gossip rumors judgment shame all of the things that we try so hard to stay away
things that we try so hard to stay away
things that we try so hard to stay away from in life because they make it so
from in life because they make it so
from in life because they make it so difficult and so painful I wanted to
difficult and so painful I wanted to
difficult and so painful I wanted to mostly talk about sort of what I went
mostly talk about sort of what I went
mostly talk about sort of what I went through internally to get to the other
through internally to get to the other
through internally to get to the other side of this experience so I arrived in
side of this experience so I arrived in
side of this experience so I arrived in this place and I meet the girls and I
this place and I meet the girls and I
this place and I meet the girls and I learned that they’re on pregnant Lee
learned that they’re on pregnant Lee
learned that they’re on pregnant Lee from juvenile detention or failed foster
from juvenile detention or failed foster
from juvenile detention or failed foster care or from the streets and of course
care or from the streets and of course
care or from the streets and of course my instinct is to just run as far and as
my instinct is to just run as far and as
my instinct is to just run as far and as fast as I can get but I had nowhere to
fast as I can get but I had nowhere to
fast as I can get but I had nowhere to go
go
go and I lived pretty terrified in this
and I lived pretty terrified in this
and I lived pretty terrified in this place for weeks until I started to
place for weeks until I started to
place for weeks until I started to question things a certain point it felt
question things a certain point it felt
question things a certain point it felt like everything I thought I knew about
like everything I thought I knew about
like everything I thought I knew about the world all of the things I had been
the world all of the things I had been
the world all of the things I had been taught to believe about people and about
taught to believe about people and about
taught to believe about people and about life felt like they sort of dropped off
life felt like they sort of dropped off
life felt like they sort of dropped off of me and vanished and I started to see
of me and vanished and I started to see
of me and vanished and I started to see that these girls and I had everything in
that these girls and I had everything in
that these girls and I had everything in common than actually mattered we were
common than actually mattered we were
common than actually mattered we were teenagers and we were pregnant I started
teenagers and we were pregnant I started
teenagers and we were pregnant I started to get to know them they were very
to get to know them they were very
to get to know them they were very different than I thought they were
different than I thought they were
different than I thought they were interesting funny
interesting funny
interesting funny in fact they were hilarious they told me
in fact they were hilarious they told me
in fact they were hilarious they told me stories about their lives and their
stories about their lives and their
stories about their lives and their adventures with the law and I shared my
adventures with the law and I shared my
adventures with the law and I shared my life about my family and skiing and
life about my family and skiing and
life about my family and skiing and sailing
sailing
sailing you know they taught me how to play
you know they taught me how to play
you know they taught me how to play poker I read books to them they made
poker I read books to them they made
poker I read books to them they made rich girl jokes I never quite had the
rich girl jokes I never quite had the
rich girl jokes I never quite had the balls to make poor girl jokes but we
balls to make poor girl jokes but we
balls to make poor girl jokes but we were like soldiers in a platoon
were like soldiers in a platoon
were like soldiers in a platoon I mean bonded over this pregnancy these
I mean bonded over this pregnancy these
I mean bonded over this pregnancy these these girls who I thought were hardened
these girls who I thought were hardened
these girls who I thought were hardened teenage gangsters were really mostly
teenage gangsters were really mostly
teenage gangsters were really mostly these endearing misfit toys and I sort
these endearing misfit toys and I sort
these endearing misfit toys and I sort of became one of them you know when
of became one of them you know when
of became one of them you know when people hear this story I often hear the
people hear this story I often hear the
people hear this story I often hear the word strength everybody talks about the
word strength everybody talks about the
word strength everybody talks about the strength and grit you know it takes to
strength and grit you know it takes to
strength and grit you know it takes to get through challenge I really think it
get through challenge I really think it
get through challenge I really think it was the removal of judgments that helped
was the removal of judgments that helped
was the removal of judgments that helped me get to the other side of the story
me get to the other side of the story
me get to the other side of the story because looking back on it that is what
because looking back on it that is what
because looking back on it that is what dropped off and vanished the judgment I
dropped off and vanished the judgment I
dropped off and vanished the judgment I had of these girls and their lives and
had of these girls and their lives and
had of these girls and their lives and their poverty and once it was gone I was
their poverty and once it was gone I was
their poverty and once it was gone I was sort of able to see them for who they
sort of able to see them for who they
sort of able to see them for who they really were and then of course it
really were and then of course it
really were and then of course it trickled on down to me and the judgment
trickled on down to me and the judgment
trickled on down to me and the judgment I had of myself which was massive
I had of myself which was massive
I had of myself which was massive I was wracked with guilt and shame and
I was wracked with guilt and shame and
I was wracked with guilt and shame and hating myself for the mess I’d made of
hating myself for the mess I’d made of
hating myself for the mess I’d made of my life and the disgrace I had become to
my life and the disgrace I had become to
my life and the disgrace I had become to my parents all of that stuff inside of
my parents all of that stuff inside of
my parents all of that stuff inside of me started to let up a little bit I
me started to let up a little bit I
me started to let up a little bit I stopped beating myself up and actually
stopped beating myself up and actually
stopped beating myself up and actually imagined that maybe I could have a good
imagined that maybe I could have a good
imagined that maybe I could have a good life even had I been in this place the
life even had I been in this place the
life even had I been in this place the things inside of me started to feel just
things inside of me started to feel just
things inside of me started to feel just a little bit kinder and a little more
a little bit kinder and a little more
a little bit kinder and a little more forgiving there is something about the
forgiving there is something about the
forgiving there is something about the removal of judgment that brings this
removal of judgment that brings this
removal of judgment that brings this indescribable meaning to the word open
indescribable meaning to the word open
indescribable meaning to the word open your mind opens your heart opens
your mind opens your heart opens
your mind opens your heart opens everything opens when judgment is gone
everything opens when judgment is gone
everything opens when judgment is gone things around you feel so different they
things around you feel so different they
things around you feel so different they feel safer and better it makes me think
feel safer and better it makes me think
feel safer and better it makes me think you know how you have a couple people in
you know how you have a couple people in
you know how you have a couple people in your life if you’re lucky when you’re
your life if you’re lucky when you’re
your life if you’re lucky when you’re around them and you walk away you can’t
around them and you walk away you can’t
around them and you walk away you can’t help thinking god I really like that
help thinking god I really like that
help thinking god I really like that person that feeling and you don’t quite
person that feeling and you don’t quite
person that feeling and you don’t quite know what it is but the truth is you
know what it is but the truth is you
know what it is but the truth is you feel good around them in fact you feel
feel good around them in fact you feel
feel good around them in fact you feel really good about being who you are when
really good about being who you are when
really good about being who you are when you’re around them that person is open
you’re around them that person is open
you’re around them that person is open and they don’t have judgment that’s sort
and they don’t have judgment that’s sort
and they don’t have judgment that’s sort of what it feels like and what it looks
of what it feels like and what it looks
of what it feels like and what it looks like so if I were I know I can’t but if
like so if I were I know I can’t but if
like so if I were I know I can’t but if I were to ask everybody in here how
I were to ask everybody in here how
I were to ask everybody in here how often do you think you judge yourself
often do you think you judge yourself
often do you think you judge yourself you think about that for a minute I’m
you think about that for a minute I’m
you think about that for a minute I’m going to guess that whatever your answer
going to guess that whatever your answer
going to guess that whatever your answer is it’s a whole lot more because
is it’s a whole lot more because
is it’s a whole lot more because judgment is really tricky because it’s a
judgment is really tricky because it’s a
judgment is really tricky because it’s a habit and it can go so unnoticed
habit and it can go so unnoticed
habit and it can go so unnoticed particularly self judgment because this
particularly self judgment because this
particularly self judgment because this sort of perceived virtue to it that it’s
sort of perceived virtue to it that it’s
sort of perceived virtue to it that it’s okay because you’re not hurting anybody
okay because you’re not hurting anybody
okay because you’re not hurting anybody else right so here’s the test the next
else right so here’s the test the next
else right so here’s the test the next time a challenge comes in just notice
time a challenge comes in just notice
time a challenge comes in just notice pay attention to what goes on inside of
pay attention to what goes on inside of
pay attention to what goes on inside of you is it do you feel something sort of
you is it do you feel something sort of
you is it do you feel something sort of rooting for you that’s on your side
rooting for you that’s on your side
rooting for you that’s on your side reminding you you’ve been through stuff
reminding you you’ve been through stuff
reminding you you’ve been through stuff before and you’re going to get through
before and you’re going to get through
before and you’re going to get through this or do you have an asshole in there
this or do you have an asshole in there
this or do you have an asshole in there because an asshole is what reminds us of
because an asshole is what reminds us of
because an asshole is what reminds us of all the things that we cannot stand
all the things that we cannot stand
all the things that we cannot stand about ourselves particularly when we’re
about ourselves particularly when we’re
about ourselves particularly when we’re in challenge it is from where all the
in challenge it is from where all the
in challenge it is from where all the doubt comes and then of course the doubt
doubt comes and then of course the doubt
doubt comes and then of course the doubt comes in and then comes the fear and the
comes in and then comes the fear and the
comes in and then comes the fear and the fear comes in to scare the crap out of
fear comes in to scare the crap out of
fear comes in to scare the crap out of you that is self judgments we don’t need
you that is self judgments we don’t need
you that is self judgments we don’t need an enemy in there making the hard times
an enemy in there making the hard times
an enemy in there making the hard times harder we kind of really need an ally
the only voice that matters the only
the only voice that matters the only voice that truly makes a difference in
voice that truly makes a difference in
voice that truly makes a difference in your life is your own three days after I
your life is your own three days after I
your life is your own three days after I had the baby at 17 I had to go home and
had the baby at 17 I had to go home and
had the baby at 17 I had to go home and actually walk in the ceremony of my high
actually walk in the ceremony of my high
actually walk in the ceremony of my high school graduation it was some rule and
school graduation it was some rule and
school graduation it was some rule and today I can’t seem to figure out what
today I can’t seem to figure out what
today I can’t seem to figure out what was scarier giving birth to a baby out
was scarier giving birth to a baby out
was scarier giving birth to a baby out of my body in that facility or going
of my body in that facility or going
of my body in that facility or going home and facing my peers after five
home and facing my peers after five
home and facing my peers after five months of being gone
months of being gone
months of being gone knowing somewhere in my heart that this
knowing somewhere in my heart that this
knowing somewhere in my heart that this lie was not going to hold up and the
lie was not going to hold up and the
lie was not going to hold up and the judgment and scrutiny I might have to
judgment and scrutiny I might have to
judgment and scrutiny I might have to face so I arrived at graduation and I
face so I arrived at graduation and I
face so I arrived at graduation and I was right the like Conda didn’t hold up
was right the like Conda didn’t hold up
was right the like Conda didn’t hold up all the way lots of kids had made their
all the way lots of kids had made their
all the way lots of kids had made their own ideas of where I had been and there
own ideas of where I had been and there
own ideas of where I had been and there was whispering and pointing and
was whispering and pointing and
was whispering and pointing and gesturing and it was quite quite a lot
gesturing and it was quite quite a lot
gesturing and it was quite quite a lot worse than I thought it was going to be
worse than I thought it was going to be
worse than I thought it was going to be but what surprised me the most was that
but what surprised me the most was that
but what surprised me the most was that I sort of just waited there to feel like
I sort of just waited there to feel like
I sort of just waited there to feel like I wanted to burst out crying or run away
I wanted to burst out crying or run away
I wanted to burst out crying or run away or flip everybody off or hate myself and
or flip everybody off or hate myself and
or flip everybody off or hate myself and none of that happened and I realized
none of that happened and I realized
none of that happened and I realized that day that all I had gone through
that day that all I had gone through
that day that all I had gone through internally to survive in this facility
internally to survive in this facility
internally to survive in this facility was exactly what I was going to need to
was exactly what I was going to need to
was exactly what I was going to need to survive my life and I knew I had it so
survive my life and I knew I had it so
survive my life and I knew I had it so if there were one thing that I could
if there were one thing that I could
if there were one thing that I could encourage anyone to do in this life it
encourage anyone to do in this life it
encourage anyone to do in this life it would be to think about letting go of
would be to think about letting go of
would be to think about letting go of judgements particularly the judgement
judgements particularly the judgement
judgements particularly the judgement you have on yourself because to be able
you have on yourself because to be able
you have on yourself because to be able to create and have inside of you a place
to create and have inside of you a place
to create and have inside of you a place that you can turn that will hold you up
that you can turn that will hold you up
that you can turn that will hold you up and root for you would be quite a gift
”
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