I don’t think I’ve been just Carl since that day
PTSD to me is not a disorder that is a
PTSD to me is not a disorder that is a reasonable reaction does something
reasonable reaction does something
reasonable reaction does something traumatic that you have been through
traumatic that you have been through
traumatic that you have been through [Music]
[Music]
[Music] looking back we were also green we had
looking back we were also green we had
looking back we were also green we had no idea what we were doing
SolarCity was one of the loudest places
SolarCity was one of the loudest places I’ve ever been
everything was trying to sell your
everything was trying to sell your eardrums and then you blinked they all
eardrums and then you blinked they all
eardrums and then you blinked they all disappeared
disappeared
disappeared I just knew as soon as all those people
I just knew as soon as all those people
I just knew as soon as all those people scattered that we were in trouble in
scattered that we were in trouble in
scattered that we were in trouble in that moment my heart sank
that moment my heart sank
that moment my heart sank [Music]
[Music]
[Music] then first crack at the bullet that goes
then first crack at the bullet that goes
then first crack at the bullet that goes well everything changed in that one
well everything changed in that one
well everything changed in that one instant
my brain couldn’t process everything
my brain couldn’t process everything that was going on
I just lifted up that machine gun and
I just lifted up that machine gun and squeeze that trigger
that’s the first time I took a human
that’s the first time I took a human life
the super vivid details of everything
the super vivid details of everything kind of fade out and then like somebody
kind of fade out and then like somebody
kind of fade out and then like somebody just turned the lights out I’ll just
just turned the lights out I’ll just
just turned the lights out I’ll just have a blank spot like there’s nothing
have a blank spot like there’s nothing
have a blank spot like there’s nothing there and my brain is saying no that
there and my brain is saying no that
there and my brain is saying no that didn’t happen you weren’t even there but
didn’t happen you weren’t even there but
didn’t happen you weren’t even there but every now and again my brain gives me
every now and again my brain gives me
every now and again my brain gives me pieces of stuff and it always starts out
pieces of stuff and it always starts out
pieces of stuff and it always starts out the same way oh I’ll have a dream one
the same way oh I’ll have a dream one
the same way oh I’ll have a dream one night I get like a fuzzy image of
night I get like a fuzzy image of
night I get like a fuzzy image of something in it it may only be something
something in it it may only be something
something in it it may only be something as quick as you know me walking down out
as quick as you know me walking down out
as quick as you know me walking down out of that alleyway
and one I’ll wake up I have to think it
and one I’ll wake up I have to think it was that a memories at a dream
was that a memories at a dream
was that a memories at a dream most people would just want to forget
most people would just want to forget
most people would just want to forget what happened but these are the moments
what happened but these are the moments
what happened but these are the moments that defined my life until I can
that defined my life until I can
that defined my life until I can remember all this stuff it’s like a
remember all this stuff it’s like a
remember all this stuff it’s like a piece of me is missing and I need that
piece of me is missing and I need that
piece of me is missing and I need that piece back one in particular from my
piece back one in particular from my
piece back one in particular from my vantage point on the first roof that I
vantage point on the first roof that I
vantage point on the first roof that I was on I can remember hearing people
was on I can remember hearing people
was on I can remember hearing people talking the voices were so close they
talking the voices were so close they
talking the voices were so close they could throw a grenade onto the rooftop
could throw a grenade onto the rooftop
could throw a grenade onto the rooftop they were wrong
they were wrong
they were wrong [Music]
[Music]
[Music] and I was about to fire that 40 mic
it was six civilians
it was six civilians poor women and just a couple little kids
poor women and just a couple little kids
poor women and just a couple little kids there was a man who’s probably in his
there was a man who’s probably in his
there was a man who’s probably in his 30s we locked eyes
there was a motion there’s fear hate
there was a motion there’s fear hate there’s love
there’s love
there’s love he knew that I was I was about to
he knew that I was I was about to
he knew that I was I was about to destroy everything that he cared about
destroy everything that he cared about
destroy everything that he cared about and he was just trying to protect them
[Music]
[Music] we never talked I never saw him again
we never talked I never saw him again
we never talked I never saw him again that I know if but me and him have more
that I know if but me and him have more
that I know if but me and him have more of a bond and people who I’ve known my
of a bond and people who I’ve known my
of a bond and people who I’ve known my whole life
there’s one thing I can look back on
there’s one thing I can look back on that day and be happy about it’s that
that day and be happy about it’s that
that day and be happy about it’s that moment and if it had gone just a little
moment and if it had gone just a little
moment and if it had gone just a little bit differently I don’t know if I ever
bit differently I don’t know if I ever
bit differently I don’t know if I ever would have been able to you know to live
would have been able to you know to live
would have been able to you know to live with things that happen that day
it lets me know that I wasn’t just
it lets me know that I wasn’t just killing people aimlessly
I might not be Carl anymore but I know
I might not be Carl anymore but I know that I’m not a monster
”
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