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The Chronicles of an Ex-Perfectionist | Natalie Weida | TEDxBaldwinHighSchool


[Applause]

[Applause] hi I’m Natalie and I’m a recovering

hi I’m Natalie and I’m a recovering

hi I’m Natalie and I’m a recovering perfectionist growing up I used to be a

perfectionist growing up I used to be a

perfectionist growing up I used to be a very type A personality I was involved

very type A personality I was involved

very type A personality I was involved in just about everything that I could be

in just about everything that I could be

in just about everything that I could be I was a straight-a student since second

I was a straight-a student since second

I was a straight-a student since second grade since that one time I got to be in

grade since that one time I got to be in

grade since that one time I got to be in gym and I had above a 4.0 GPA all

gym and I had above a 4.0 GPA all

gym and I had above a 4.0 GPA all through high school I was a dancer in

through high school I was a dancer in

through high school I was a dancer in color guard and on dance team and I just

color guard and on dance team and I just

color guard and on dance team and I just extended myself to everything that I

extended myself to everything that I

extended myself to everything that I possibly could

possibly could

possibly could I’m the co-president of the National

I’m the co-president of the National

I’m the co-president of the National Honor Society I’m part of the National

Honor Society I’m part of the National

Honor Society I’m part of the National Art Honor Society and I’m in most of the

Art Honor Society and I’m in most of the

Art Honor Society and I’m in most of the clubs in this school it seems great

clubs in this school it seems great

clubs in this school it seems great until you lose yourself I got caught up

until you lose yourself I got caught up

until you lose yourself I got caught up in a whirlwind of all these different

in a whirlwind of all these different

in a whirlwind of all these different activities and expectations and resume

activities and expectations and resume

activities and expectations and resume builders high schoolers these days are

builders high schoolers these days are

builders high schoolers these days are taught that more equates better and we

taught that more equates better and we

taught that more equates better and we all want to do more and be more in this

all want to do more and be more in this

all want to do more and be more in this world and this is all great until you

world and this is all great until you

world and this is all great until you stop taking care of yourself and that’s

stop taking care of yourself and that’s

stop taking care of yourself and that’s when I developed an eating disorder I

when I developed an eating disorder I

when I developed an eating disorder I always thought that anorexia was

always thought that anorexia was

always thought that anorexia was reserved for the Karen Carpenter’s of

reserved for the Karen Carpenter’s of

reserved for the Karen Carpenter’s of the world the ones who are emaciated and

the world the ones who are emaciated and

the world the ones who are emaciated and literally on their deathbed but I was

literally on their deathbed but I was

literally on their deathbed but I was painfully wrong I thought that in this

painfully wrong I thought that in this

painfully wrong I thought that in this spinning whirlwind that was my crazy and

spinning whirlwind that was my crazy and

spinning whirlwind that was my crazy and awesome life that I needed to gain

awesome life that I needed to gain

awesome life that I needed to gain control over something and for me that

control over something and for me that

control over something and for me that was my body and what I ate and I saw all

was my body and what I ate and I saw all

was my body and what I ate and I saw all these media messages about the perfect

these media messages about the perfect

these media messages about the perfect diet and how to work out to get the flat

diet and how to work out to get the flat

diet and how to work out to get the flat abs and

abs and

abs and the gap of your dreams and I got caught

the gap of your dreams and I got caught

the gap of your dreams and I got caught up in it and it slowly became obsessive

up in it and it slowly became obsessive

up in it and it slowly became obsessive and I wanted it to be perfect just like

and I wanted it to be perfect just like

and I wanted it to be perfect just like everything else and it slowly started to

everything else and it slowly started to

everything else and it slowly started to deteriorate my life and I became a shell

deteriorate my life and I became a shell

deteriorate my life and I became a shell of the girl that I used to be and I was

of the girl that I used to be and I was

of the girl that I used to be and I was miserable and I needed to seek treatment

miserable and I needed to seek treatment

miserable and I needed to seek treatment so I left school for 12 weeks and during

so I left school for 12 weeks and during

so I left school for 12 weeks and during my junior year in order to get better

my junior year in order to get better

my junior year in order to get better and it was the hardest thing that I’ve

and it was the hardest thing that I’ve

and it was the hardest thing that I’ve ever done i sat in the office of my

ever done i sat in the office of my

ever done i sat in the office of my therapist and I was like how can I leave

therapist and I was like how can I leave

therapist and I was like how can I leave school how can I leave dance

school how can I leave dance

school how can I leave dance you’re asking me to not move you’re

you’re asking me to not move you’re

you’re asking me to not move you’re asking me to sit on the couch and eat

asking me to sit on the couch and eat

asking me to sit on the couch and eat Cheetos like how am I supposed to do

Cheetos like how am I supposed to do

Cheetos like how am I supposed to do this and they were like Natalie you’re

this and they were like Natalie you’re

this and they were like Natalie you’re so sick you need to take a break and so

so sick you need to take a break and so

so sick you need to take a break and so reluctantly I did and it saved my life

reluctantly I did and it saved my life

reluctantly I did and it saved my life and after 12 weeks I was physically

and after 12 weeks I was physically

and after 12 weeks I was physically better enough to come back to school and

better enough to come back to school and

better enough to come back to school and devote myself to my academics again but

devote myself to my academics again but

devote myself to my academics again but I was still struggling mentally and I

I was still struggling mentally and I

I was still struggling mentally and I slowly relapsed and it we knew that I

slowly relapsed and it we knew that I

slowly relapsed and it we knew that I was going to need to go to treatment

was going to need to go to treatment

was going to need to go to treatment again but this time it was a longer

again but this time it was a longer

again but this time it was a longer process I spent my summer not long ago

process I spent my summer not long ago

process I spent my summer not long ago in Miami and it was beautiful but it was

in Miami and it was beautiful but it was

in Miami and it was beautiful but it was also terrible I was in a residential

also terrible I was in a residential

also terrible I was in a residential treatment center with six other girls

treatment center with six other girls

treatment center with six other girls and we were asked to do so much and so

and we were asked to do so much and so

and we were asked to do so much and so little at the same time every day we

little at the same time every day we

little at the same time every day we woke up and we ate breakfast and then we

woke up and we ate breakfast and then we

woke up and we ate breakfast and then we had therapy and then we had a morning

had therapy and then we had a morning

had therapy and then we had a morning snack and then we had more therapy or

snack and then we had more therapy or

snack and then we had more therapy or some other type of group exercise and

some other type of group exercise and

some other type of group exercise and then we had lunch and then we did some

then we had lunch and then we did some

then we had lunch and then we did some crying and some screaming into pillows

crying and some screaming into pillows

crying and some screaming into pillows and then

and then

and then we had another snack and then we had

we had another snack and then we had

we had another snack and then we had yoga and then we had dinner and then we

yoga and then we had dinner and then we

yoga and then we had dinner and then we went back to our town house and hung out

went back to our town house and hung out

went back to our town house and hung out and then we had to eat another snack and

and then we had to eat another snack and

and then we had to eat another snack and then we went to bed and this was every

then we went to bed and this was every

then we went to bed and this was every day for almost two and a half months and

day for almost two and a half months and

day for almost two and a half months and it was exhausting

it was exhausting

it was exhausting but it was exhausting because I for the

but it was exhausting because I for the

but it was exhausting because I for the first time in years I had to reflect on

first time in years I had to reflect on

first time in years I had to reflect on myself and I was wondering I’m like how

myself and I was wondering I’m like how

myself and I was wondering I’m like how am I ever going to get out of this

am I ever going to get out of this

am I ever going to get out of this because I need to be perfect I can’t

because I need to be perfect I can’t

because I need to be perfect I can’t walk around and have bigger legs and

walk around and have bigger legs and

walk around and have bigger legs and stomach rolls and what is going to

stomach rolls and what is going to

stomach rolls and what is going to happen like I can’t do that I’d rather

happen like I can’t do that I’d rather

happen like I can’t do that I’d rather be dead and I had to come to the

be dead and I had to come to the

be dead and I had to come to the realization that it wasn’t my body that

realization that it wasn’t my body that

realization that it wasn’t my body that was the problem it wasn’t my eating

was the problem it wasn’t my eating

was the problem it wasn’t my eating habit that were the problem it was my

habit that were the problem it was my

habit that were the problem it was my perfectionism so what is perfectionism

perfectionism so what is perfectionism

perfectionism so what is perfectionism it’s the refusal to accept any standard

it’s the refusal to accept any standard

it’s the refusal to accept any standard short of perfection for a while I even

short of perfection for a while I even

short of perfection for a while I even denied that I was a perfectionist I

denied that I was a perfectionist I

denied that I was a perfectionist I would say something along the lines of I

would say something along the lines of I

would say something along the lines of I have a 94 in calc BC right now how could

have a 94 in calc BC right now how could

have a 94 in calc BC right now how could I be a perfectionist I’m not even trying

I be a perfectionist I’m not even trying

I be a perfectionist I’m not even trying that hard and just that saying shows how

that hard and just that saying shows how

that hard and just that saying shows how deeply ingrained and ridiculous it is

deeply ingrained and ridiculous it is

deeply ingrained and ridiculous it is everyone in our society seems to hold

everyone in our society seems to hold

everyone in our society seems to hold themselves to these impossibly high

themselves to these impossibly high

themselves to these impossibly high standards and we believe that our

standards and we believe that our

standards and we believe that our imperfections are our fault we’re taught

imperfections are our fault we’re taught

imperfections are our fault we’re taught to think that our frizzy hair or low IQ

to think that our frizzy hair or low IQ

to think that our frizzy hair or low IQ or bad test grades or wrinkled clothes

or bad test grades or wrinkled clothes

or bad test grades or wrinkled clothes are something that we are responsible

are something that we are responsible

are something that we are responsible for fixing on a daily basis and that’s

for fixing on a daily basis and that’s

for fixing on a daily basis and that’s wrong

wrong

wrong you can’t fix something that you were

you can’t fix something that you were

you can’t fix something that you were born with it’s different from the rest

born with it’s different from the rest

born with it’s different from the rest of society it’s something that you have

of society it’s something that you have

of society it’s something that you have to grow with and learn with and turn

to grow with and learn with and turn

to grow with and learn with and turn into your life rather than trying to run

into your life rather than trying to run

into your life rather than trying to run away from it and that’s when the nasty a

away from it and that’s when the nasty a

away from it and that’s when the nasty a word comes in

word comes in

word comes in not that one but this one acceptance

not that one but this one acceptance

not that one but this one acceptance acceptance is a long process that you

acceptance is a long process that you

acceptance is a long process that you have to work on pretty much forever I

have to work on pretty much forever I

have to work on pretty much forever I mean I am still accepting who I am and

mean I am still accepting who I am and

mean I am still accepting who I am and where I am and when you deal with

where I am and when you deal with

where I am and when you deal with perfectionism or extremely high

perfectionism or extremely high

perfectionism or extremely high standards you have to work on accepting

standards you have to work on accepting

standards you have to work on accepting your flaws just as much as I do but

your flaws just as much as I do but

your flaws just as much as I do but there I have five steps to combating

there I have five steps to combating

there I have five steps to combating perfectionism and turning your life into

perfectionism and turning your life into

perfectionism and turning your life into something that’s meaningful and has

something that’s meaningful and has

something that’s meaningful and has happiness in it number one

happiness in it number one

happiness in it number one remove the all-or-nothing mindset this

remove the all-or-nothing mindset this

remove the all-or-nothing mindset this an example of this is if I don’t go to

an example of this is if I don’t go to

an example of this is if I don’t go to an Ivy League college I’m dumb that’s

an Ivy League college I’m dumb that’s

an Ivy League college I’m dumb that’s ridiculous there’s so many shades in

ridiculous there’s so many shades in

ridiculous there’s so many shades in between two extremes of thinking and we

between two extremes of thinking and we

between two extremes of thinking and we tend to get caught up in this

tend to get caught up in this

tend to get caught up in this all-or-nothing mindset like cake is bad

all-or-nothing mindset like cake is bad

all-or-nothing mindset like cake is bad and vegetables are good and there’s

and vegetables are good and there’s

and vegetables are good and there’s nothing in between but that’s not true

nothing in between but that’s not true

nothing in between but that’s not true there’s balance and there’s joy and

there’s balance and there’s joy and

there’s balance and there’s joy and there’s an all-inclusive lifestyle that

there’s an all-inclusive lifestyle that

there’s an all-inclusive lifestyle that you can live number two start saying no

you can live number two start saying no

you can live number two start saying no and this seems a little hypocritical

and this seems a little hypocritical

and this seems a little hypocritical because this week has been extremely

because this week has been extremely

because this week has been extremely busy for me I’ve had my NHS banquet last

busy for me I’ve had my NHS banquet last

busy for me I’ve had my NHS banquet last night I have a dance recital this

night I have a dance recital this

night I have a dance recital this weekend and I’m very stressed out but

weekend and I’m very stressed out but

weekend and I’m very stressed out but it’s a learning experience and we and

it’s a learning experience and we and

it’s a learning experience and we and I’m realizing that I need to take my own

I’m realizing that I need to take my own

I’m realizing that I need to take my own advice and saying no is the most

advice and saying no is the most

advice and saying no is the most important thing that you can do when

important thing that you can do when

important thing that you can do when you’re so overwhelmed and so stressed

you’re so overwhelmed and so stressed

you’re so overwhelmed and so stressed out

out

out you cannot pour from an empty cup you

you cannot pour from an empty cup you

you cannot pour from an empty cup you can’t give yourself fully to what you

can’t give yourself fully to what you

can’t give yourself fully to what you want to do when you are overextended in

want to do when you are overextended in

want to do when you are overextended in too many places so you need to protect

too many places so you need to protect

too many places so you need to protect yourself and say no to the things you

yourself and say no to the things you

yourself and say no to the things you don’t want to do

number three make a gratitude list this

number three make a gratitude list this is important when you feel like

is important when you feel like

is important when you feel like something is overwhelming taking over

something is overwhelming taking over

something is overwhelming taking over your life and you feel like it’s the end

your life and you feel like it’s the end

your life and you feel like it’s the end of the world like you get an 89 on your

of the world like you get an 89 on your

of the world like you get an 89 on your chemistry test and you’re like I’m gonna

chemistry test and you’re like I’m gonna

chemistry test and you’re like I’m gonna fail out of high school not true if you

fail out of high school not true if you

fail out of high school not true if you make a list of all the things that

make a list of all the things that

make a list of all the things that you’re thankful for like a roof over

you’re thankful for like a roof over

you’re thankful for like a roof over your head clean water a family legs to

your head clean water a family legs to

your head clean water a family legs to walk on being privileged enough to live

walk on being privileged enough to live

walk on being privileged enough to live in the United States of America and

in the United States of America and

in the United States of America and create all that plastic you will realize

create all that plastic you will realize

create all that plastic you will realize that your mountain is actually a

that your mountain is actually a

that your mountain is actually a molehill and you can take a step back

molehill and you can take a step back

molehill and you can take a step back and a better perspective on what’s going

and a better perspective on what’s going

and a better perspective on what’s going on number four use positive affirmations

on number four use positive affirmations

on number four use positive affirmations I’m sure some of you have heard these

I’m sure some of you have heard these

I’m sure some of you have heard these and think it might be kind of stupid to

and think it might be kind of stupid to

and think it might be kind of stupid to stand in the mirror in the morning and

stand in the mirror in the morning and

stand in the mirror in the morning and be like I’m pretty I’m awesome but

be like I’m pretty I’m awesome but

be like I’m pretty I’m awesome but positive affirmations for me are a

positive affirmations for me are a

positive affirmations for me are a calming statement when I’m in a state of

calming statement when I’m in a state of

calming statement when I’m in a state of terror like when you’re driving and you

terror like when you’re driving and you

terror like when you’re driving and you realize you’re lost and you have no idea

realize you’re lost and you have no idea

realize you’re lost and you have no idea what to do when you’re like do I pull

what to do when you’re like do I pull

what to do when you’re like do I pull off the road like what’s going on and

off the road like what’s going on and

off the road like what’s going on and you say to yourself I am strong I can do

you say to yourself I am strong I can do

you say to yourself I am strong I can do this and that is just a simple phrase

this and that is just a simple phrase

this and that is just a simple phrase and you say that to yourself when you

and you say that to yourself when you

and you say that to yourself when you are in turmoil and you bring yourself

are in turmoil and you bring yourself

are in turmoil and you bring yourself down from that high anxiety high

down from that high anxiety high

down from that high anxiety high perfectionistic thinking number five

perfectionistic thinking number five

perfectionistic thinking number five love yourself

love yourself

love yourself this is a common trend of a lot of the

this is a common trend of a lot of the

this is a common trend of a lot of the talks that have gone on today and the

talks that have gone on today and the

talks that have gone on today and the reason that everyone is saying it is

reason that everyone is saying it is

reason that everyone is saying it is because it’s so true and so important

because it’s so true and so important

because it’s so true and so important because if you don’t care for yourself

because if you don’t care for yourself

because if you don’t care for yourself then you don’t let the love of others in

then you don’t let the love of others in

then you don’t let the love of others in and I experienced this myself when I was

and I experienced this myself when I was

and I experienced this myself when I was going through my shrubs I wasn’t letting

going through my shrubs I wasn’t letting

going through my shrubs I wasn’t letting anyone else into my life I was so

anyone else into my life I was so

anyone else into my life I was so isolated and so sad but now that I am

isolated and so sad but now that I am

isolated and so sad but now that I am more open and more generous and more in

more open and more generous and more in

more open and more generous and more in love with myself

love with myself

love with myself I let the love in

I let the love in

I let the love in and this is it doesn’t have to be bubble

and this is it doesn’t have to be bubble

and this is it doesn’t have to be bubble baths and lighting candles and coloring

baths and lighting candles and coloring

baths and lighting candles and coloring pretty pictures loving yourself is

pretty pictures loving yourself is

pretty pictures loving yourself is taking care of yourself it means going

taking care of yourself it means going

taking care of yourself it means going to bed when you’re tired it means

to bed when you’re tired it means

to bed when you’re tired it means staying home when you’re sick and it

staying home when you’re sick and it

staying home when you’re sick and it means letting others know what you need

means letting others know what you need

means letting others know what you need from them to support you so that you

from them to support you so that you

from them to support you so that you don’t get too strung out and end up

don’t get too strung out and end up

don’t get too strung out and end up having more harm done

Brene brown a author and shane studier

Brene brown a author and shane studier and inspiration says that perfectionism

and inspiration says that perfectionism

and inspiration says that perfectionism is a 20-ton shield that we lug around

is a 20-ton shield that we lug around

is a 20-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when in fact

thinking it will protect us when in fact

thinking it will protect us when in fact it’s the thing that’s really presenting

it’s the thing that’s really presenting

it’s the thing that’s really presenting us from taking flight so if you take

us from taking flight so if you take

us from taking flight so if you take anything home tonight from this talk is

anything home tonight from this talk is

anything home tonight from this talk is that you don’t have to be perfect you

that you don’t have to be perfect you

that you don’t have to be perfect you don’t have to be everything to everyone

don’t have to be everything to everyone

don’t have to be everything to everyone because you can’t be it’s not physically

because you can’t be it’s not physically

because you can’t be it’s not physically possible so this is your permission to

possible so this is your permission to

possible so this is your permission to take a rest take a break ask for a break

take a rest take a break ask for a break

take a rest take a break ask for a break email your teacher and ask them to turn

email your teacher and ask them to turn

email your teacher and ask them to turn in your outline a day late and they’ll

in your outline a day late and they’ll

in your outline a day late and they’ll probably let you do it if you are

probably let you do it if you are

probably let you do it if you are genuine and you are taking care of

genuine and you are taking care of

genuine and you are taking care of yourself you are going to live the best

yourself you are going to live the best

yourself you are going to live the best life that you can and that is the most

life that you can and that is the most

life that you can and that is the most important thing to take home thank you

important thing to take home thank you

important thing to take home thank you [Applause]

”

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