when I was 14 years old I had an experience that dramatically influenced
experience that dramatically influenced
experience that dramatically influenced the direction of my future it was an
the direction of my future it was an
the direction of my future it was an ordinary evening I was playing football
ordinary evening I was playing football
ordinary evening I was playing football and the back garden of my house against
and the back garden of my house against
and the back garden of my house against my 15 year old over all 1vs1 football
my 15 year old over all 1vs1 football
my 15 year old over all 1vs1 football games were always pretty physical
games were always pretty physical
games were always pretty physical because as you’d expect with teenage
because as you’d expect with teenage
because as you’d expect with teenage boomers we were competitive I had the
boomers we were competitive I had the
boomers we were competitive I had the ball on my feet and I was about to shoot
ball on my feet and I was about to shoot
ball on my feet and I was about to shoot but then out of nowhere the slide
but then out of nowhere the slide
but then out of nowhere the slide tackles me and takes me out completely
tackles me and takes me out completely
tackles me and takes me out completely it was an awful challenge to say the
it was an awful challenge to say the
it was an awful challenge to say the least
least
least obviously I couldn’t let him get away
obviously I couldn’t let him get away
obviously I couldn’t let him get away with her so in retaliation I picked up
with her so in retaliation I picked up
with her so in retaliation I picked up the ball like kicked at him smacked him
the ball like kicked at him smacked him
the ball like kicked at him smacked him straight in the face he fell down to the
straight in the face he fell down to the
straight in the face he fell down to the ground his reaction was one that I
ground his reaction was one that I
ground his reaction was one that I wasn’t expecting
wasn’t expecting
wasn’t expecting hila started to cry hysterically and
hila started to cry hysterically and
hila started to cry hysterically and that wasn’t a usual response from him
that wasn’t a usual response from him
that wasn’t a usual response from him because he was a tough guy he was a
because he was a tough guy he was a
because he was a tough guy he was a rugby player he stood up with his mouth
rugby player he stood up with his mouth
rugby player he stood up with his mouth shaking and tears running down his cheek
shaking and tears running down his cheek
shaking and tears running down his cheek he looked at me in the eyes and then
he looked at me in the eyes and then
he looked at me in the eyes and then screamed I hate you I hate you I want to
screamed I hate you I hate you I want to
screamed I hate you I hate you I want to die I hate you he then turned around and
die I hate you he then turned around and
die I hate you he then turned around and ran into the house as quickly as he
ran into the house as quickly as he
ran into the house as quickly as he could whilst repeating those same words
could whilst repeating those same words
could whilst repeating those same words at first I took a step back and it for
at first I took a step back and it for
at first I took a step back and it for wow that reaction was massively
wow that reaction was massively
wow that reaction was massively over-the-top like come on man like we
over-the-top like come on man like we
over-the-top like come on man like we have been through so much more than this
have been through so much more than this
have been through so much more than this get a grip of yourself regardless you
get a grip of yourself regardless you
get a grip of yourself regardless you never want to see a member of your
never want to see a member of your
never want to see a member of your family that upset so I ran into the
family that upset so I ran into the
family that upset so I ran into the house after him to make sure he was okay
house after him to make sure he was okay
house after him to make sure he was okay I walked up the stairs and they opened
I walked up the stairs and they opened
I walked up the stairs and they opened the door to his bedroom that’s when I
the door to his bedroom that’s when I
the door to his bedroom that’s when I witnessed my brother attempt to take his
witnessed my brother attempt to take his
witnessed my brother attempt to take his own life
once a money to stop him I thought to
once a money to stop him I thought to myself I know you said you wanted to die
myself I know you said you wanted to die
myself I know you said you wanted to die but I didn’t really think that you meant
but I didn’t really think that you meant
but I didn’t really think that you meant it I now know that a reaction wouldn’t
it I now know that a reaction wouldn’t
it I now know that a reaction wouldn’t have killed him but I was just a kid I
have killed him but I was just a kid I
have killed him but I was just a kid I was 14 years old and I saw the brother
was 14 years old and I saw the brother
was 14 years old and I saw the brother that I loved respected and admired
that I loved respected and admired
that I loved respected and admired wanting to take his own life because of
wanting to take his own life because of
wanting to take his own life because of something that I did them well that’s
something that I did them well that’s
something that I did them well that’s what for anyway what I didn’t know was
what for anyway what I didn’t know was
what for anyway what I didn’t know was that he was experiencing severe
that he was experiencing severe
that he was experiencing severe depression at that point and had been
depression at that point and had been
depression at that point and had been for the past three months I literally
for the past three months I literally
for the past three months I literally had no idea three days after the
had no idea three days after the
had no idea three days after the incident he was visited by crisis
incident he was visited by crisis
incident he was visited by crisis psychiatric team and they admitted him
psychiatric team and they admitted him
psychiatric team and they admitted him into a mental health and patient ward
into a mental health and patient ward
into a mental health and patient ward where he stayed the next four to five
where he stayed the next four to five
where he stayed the next four to five months
months
months I generally thought it was all of my
I generally thought it was all of my
I generally thought it was all of my fault it affected me really badly as you
fault it affected me really badly as you
fault it affected me really badly as you can imagine because in addition to the
can imagine because in addition to the
can imagine because in addition to the guilt that I was feeling the four of my
guilt that I was feeling the four of my
guilt that I was feeling the four of my brother attempting to take his own life
brother attempting to take his own life
brother attempting to take his own life played continuously in my mind it was
played continuously in my mind it was
played continuously in my mind it was the only thing that I fought about every
the only thing that I fought about every
the only thing that I fought about every single second of every single day
single second of every single day
single second of every single day sometimes it was in the forefront of my
sometimes it was in the forefront of my
sometimes it was in the forefront of my mind
mind
mind then sometimes it was playing on in the
then sometimes it was playing on in the
then sometimes it was playing on in the background but it was always playing
background but it was always playing
background but it was always playing again and again and again this fort was
again and again and again this fort was
again and again and again this fort was emotionally charged and didn’t switch
emotionally charged and didn’t switch
emotionally charged and didn’t switch off over a year it’s almost as if it had
off over a year it’s almost as if it had
off over a year it’s almost as if it had messed with my personal settings it had
messed with my personal settings it had
messed with my personal settings it had turned my positive emotions down but it
turned my positive emotions down but it
turned my positive emotions down but it hiked up my anger levels my body became
hiked up my anger levels my body became
hiked up my anger levels my body became consumed with this raging aggression the
consumed with this raging aggression the
consumed with this raging aggression the feeling of empathy was removed from my
feeling of empathy was removed from my
feeling of empathy was removed from my body and the voice in my head that told
body and the voice in my head that told
body and the voice in my head that told me that something was wrong had
me that something was wrong had
me that something was wrong had completely stopped working during that
completely stopped working during that
completely stopped working during that one-year period of battling with this
one-year period of battling with this
one-year period of battling with this uncontrollable anger there are things
uncontrollable anger there are things
uncontrollable anger there are things that I did regularly do I regret deeply
that I did regularly do I regret deeply
that I did regularly do I regret deeply like hitting people for little or no
like hitting people for little or no
like hitting people for little or no reason
reason
reason I only took something very small for me
I only took something very small for me
I only took something very small for me to lose full control of my actions
to lose full control of my actions
to lose full control of my actions that’s why I was physically and verbally
that’s why I was physically and verbally
that’s why I was physically and verbally abusive towards others on a daily basis
abusive towards others on a daily basis
abusive towards others on a daily basis if you would have seen me then you
if you would have seen me then you
if you would have seen me then you probably would have described me as lost
probably would have described me as lost
probably would have described me as lost violent a bully wouldn’t you and I don’t
violent a bully wouldn’t you and I don’t
violent a bully wouldn’t you and I don’t actually blame you because I was all of
actually blame you because I was all of
actually blame you because I was all of those things but I was also so much more
those things but I was also so much more
those things but I was also so much more than that you wouldn’t have realized
than that you wouldn’t have realized
than that you wouldn’t have realized that before the incident with my brother
that before the incident with my brother
that before the incident with my brother that I was a mommy’s boy I was polite
that I was a mommy’s boy I was polite
that I was a mommy’s boy I was polite and I was kind but your definition of me
and I was kind but your definition of me
and I was kind but your definition of me would have been purely based on what I
would have been purely based on what I
would have been purely based on what I had done without her thinking about the
had done without her thinking about the
had done without her thinking about the reason behind it fortunately for me my
reason behind it fortunately for me my
reason behind it fortunately for me my mum was able to connect the dots between
mum was able to connect the dots between
mum was able to connect the dots between my anger and my brother’s depression she
my anger and my brother’s depression she
my anger and my brother’s depression she was the only person who realized that my
was the only person who realized that my
was the only person who realized that my anger was a result of the pain I was
anger was a result of the pain I was
anger was a result of the pain I was feeling so she dragged me to the
feeling so she dragged me to the
feeling so she dragged me to the psychiatrist and that’s when I realized
psychiatrist and that’s when I realized
psychiatrist and that’s when I realized who’s actually a name for what I was
who’s actually a name for what I was
who’s actually a name for what I was going through and that was called
going through and that was called
going through and that was called post-traumatic stress disorder also
post-traumatic stress disorder also
post-traumatic stress disorder also known as PTSD after months of intense
known as PTSD after months of intense
known as PTSD after months of intense therapy anger management even brain
therapy anger management even brain
therapy anger management even brain scans I started the get better my
scans I started the get better my
scans I started the get better my Forte’s became less and less emotionally
Forte’s became less and less emotionally
Forte’s became less and less emotionally charged and my positive emotions are
charged and my positive emotions are
charged and my positive emotions are being slowly turned back up again
being slowly turned back up again
being slowly turned back up again I had a drive I was getting on track but
I had a drive I was getting on track but
I had a drive I was getting on track but my brother’s depression continued to get
my brother’s depression continued to get
my brother’s depression continued to get worse when he was living at the mental
worse when he was living at the mental
worse when he was living at the mental health inpatient ward all their young
health inpatient ward all their young
health inpatient ward all their young people and members of staff could
people and members of staff could
people and members of staff could empathize of what he was going through
empathize of what he was going through
empathize of what he was going through he was no longer an outsider they were
he was no longer an outsider they were
he was no longer an outsider they were able to look underneath the thick
able to look underneath the thick
able to look underneath the thick blanket of his depression
blanket of his depression
blanket of his depression and have a sneak peak into the loving
and have a sneak peak into the loving
and have a sneak peak into the loving caring and funny guy that he was by
caring and funny guy that he was by
caring and funny guy that he was by doing that they realized there was so
doing that they realized there was so
doing that they realized there was so much more to him than the person that he
much more to him than the person that he
much more to him than the person that he was presenting to the world
was presenting to the world
was presenting to the world I still remember the day they got
I still remember the day they got
I still remember the day they got discharged there was a glimmer of hope
discharged there was a glimmer of hope
discharged there was a glimmer of hope in his eyes again however they only took
in his eyes again however they only took
in his eyes again however they only took him a couple of months in the real world
him a couple of months in the real world
him a couple of months in the real world the spiral downwards although he was
the spiral downwards although he was
the spiral downwards although he was much better
much better
much better he hadn’t fully recovered and therefore
he hadn’t fully recovered and therefore
he hadn’t fully recovered and therefore found social situations extremely
found social situations extremely
found social situations extremely difficult people labeled him as weird
difficult people labeled him as weird
difficult people labeled him as weird miserable a Billy Newman’s they only saw
miserable a Billy Newman’s they only saw
miserable a Billy Newman’s they only saw the surface of his depression and were
the surface of his depression and were
the surface of his depression and were unable to look underneath the blanket
unable to look underneath the blanket
unable to look underneath the blanket where the real version of himself was
where the real version of himself was
where the real version of himself was hiding all my brother wanted was for
hiding all my brother wanted was for
hiding all my brother wanted was for people to see him for him not his
people to see him for him not his
people to see him for him not his depression they had taken him mumps of
depression they had taken him mumps of
depression they had taken him mumps of living in a mental health inpatient ward
living in a mental health inpatient ward
living in a mental health inpatient ward to unstitch the labels that society had
to unstitch the labels that society had
to unstitch the labels that society had given him but now they were stitched
given him but now they were stitched
given him but now they were stitched onto him again with an even stronger
onto him again with an even stronger
onto him again with an even stronger threat he couldn’t shake these labels
threat he couldn’t shake these labels
threat he couldn’t shake these labels off in his mind he thought there was no
off in his mind he thought there was no
off in his mind he thought there was no ending in sight this is how we always
ending in sight this is how we always
ending in sight this is how we always fall he would be two weeks before our
fall he would be two weeks before our
fall he would be two weeks before our two assessees I walked into the changing
two assessees I walked into the changing
two assessees I walked into the changing rooms in school I was actually full of
rooms in school I was actually full of
rooms in school I was actually full of positive energy at this point because
positive energy at this point because
positive energy at this point because for the first time ever had actually
for the first time ever had actually
for the first time ever had actually done some work towards my exams so I was
done some work towards my exams so I was
done some work towards my exams so I was optimistic I was looking forward to them
optimistic I was looking forward to them
optimistic I was looking forward to them then I turned him on the corner and I
then I turned him on the corner and I
then I turned him on the corner and I saw my brother he was standing on the
saw my brother he was standing on the
saw my brother he was standing on the edge of a bench ready to hang himself
edge of a bench ready to hang himself
edge of a bench ready to hang himself his depression had led him to believe
his depression had led him to believe
his depression had led him to believe that this was the only way he could
that this was the only way he could
that this was the only way he could remove the labels the society had given
remove the labels the society had given
remove the labels the society had given him rather than having sympathy for him
him rather than having sympathy for him
him rather than having sympathy for him and making sure that he was okay this
and making sure that he was okay this
and making sure that he was okay this triggered my post-traumatic stress my
triggered my post-traumatic stress my
triggered my post-traumatic stress my happiness
happiness
happiness turned into aggression
turned into aggression
turned into aggression like that so without thinking I ran up
like that so without thinking I ran up
like that so without thinking I ran up to him I grabbed him by the collar I
to him I grabbed him by the collar I
to him I grabbed him by the collar I pulled him down to the floor
pulled him down to the floor
pulled him down to the floor dragged him across pinned him up against
dragged him across pinned him up against
dragged him across pinned him up against the wall then I hit him again and again
the wall then I hit him again and again
the wall then I hit him again and again and again I thought he was doing this to
and again I thought he was doing this to
and again I thought he was doing this to emotionally destroy me he knew how much
emotionally destroy me he knew how much
emotionally destroy me he knew how much this affected me not once did I think
this affected me not once did I think
this affected me not once did I think about what he was going through
although I managed to stop him I wish I
although I managed to stop him I wish I could go back and change my reaction he
could go back and change my reaction he
could go back and change my reaction he really didn’t deserve that I wish I said
really didn’t deserve that I wish I said
really didn’t deserve that I wish I said this to him instead I see you John I’m
this to him instead I see you John I’m
this to him instead I see you John I’m with you hey I’ve got no idea what
with you hey I’ve got no idea what
with you hey I’ve got no idea what you’re going through buddy but I’m with
you’re going through buddy but I’m with
you’re going through buddy but I’m with you through this because I know you’re
you through this because I know you’re
you through this because I know you’re more than the person that you’re
more than the person that you’re
more than the person that you’re presenting to the world the same was
presenting to the world the same was
presenting to the world the same was true for me I was more than the violent
true for me I was more than the violent
true for me I was more than the violent abusive bully that people saw in me
abusive bully that people saw in me
abusive bully that people saw in me don’t get me wrong I needed to we all
don’t get me wrong I needed to we all
don’t get me wrong I needed to we all need to take full responsibility for our
need to take full responsibility for our
need to take full responsibility for our actions but I believe that we’re not
actions but I believe that we’re not
actions but I believe that we’re not defined by our worst actions I are not
defined by our worst actions I are not
defined by our worst actions I are not defined by my worst actions because our
defined by my worst actions because our
defined by my worst actions because our actions don’t always fully represent the
actions don’t always fully represent the
actions don’t always fully represent the person who we truly are for example when
person who we truly are for example when
person who we truly are for example when we go through a difficult time or we
we go through a difficult time or we
we go through a difficult time or we deal with a mental illness
deal with a mental illness
deal with a mental illness our actions are like the front cover of
our actions are like the front cover of
our actions are like the front cover of a book it only tells you a snippet of
a book it only tells you a snippet of
a book it only tells you a snippet of the true story you have to open the book
the true story you have to open the book
the true story you have to open the book and you have to read the pages
and you have to read the pages
and you have to read the pages underneath to get a real understanding
underneath to get a real understanding
underneath to get a real understanding about what’s going on inside I didn’t do
about what’s going on inside I didn’t do
about what’s going on inside I didn’t do that with my brother the real version of
that with my brother the real version of
that with my brother the real version of himself was always inside of him but
himself was always inside of him but
himself was always inside of him but just like everyone else
just like everyone else
just like everyone else I didn’t look past his front cover and I
I didn’t look past his front cover and I
I didn’t look past his front cover and I suppose just like people then we’ll pass
suppose just like people then we’ll pass
suppose just like people then we’ll pass the front cover of my anger
the front cover of my anger
the front cover of my anger years later both my brother and I are on
years later both my brother and I are on
years later both my brother and I are on different puffs puffs that aren’t
different puffs puffs that aren’t
different puffs puffs that aren’t defined by the lowest and most difficult
defined by the lowest and most difficult
defined by the lowest and most difficult challenges of our life instead we’ve
challenges of our life instead we’ve
challenges of our life instead we’ve realized that it’s never too late to
realized that it’s never too late to
realized that it’s never too late to reinvent yourself and that your past
reinvent yourself and that your past
reinvent yourself and that your past shouldn’t hold you back from creating a
shouldn’t hold you back from creating a
shouldn’t hold you back from creating a happy positive and healthy life to
happy positive and healthy life to
happy positive and healthy life to prepare for this talk I interviewed my
prepare for this talk I interviewed my
prepare for this talk I interviewed my brother and I asked him the question how
brother and I asked him the question how
brother and I asked him the question how would you define yourself today he
would you define yourself today he
would you define yourself today he responded with the biggest smile on his
responded with the biggest smile on his
responded with the biggest smile on his face and he said the word happy I would
face and he said the word happy I would
face and he said the word happy I would say the same thing and ultimately that
say the same thing and ultimately that
say the same thing and ultimately that is what I wish for all of you today
is what I wish for all of you today
is what I wish for all of you today thank you
thank you
thank you [Applause]
”
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