July 9th 2013 it was a Tuesday my husband had to be out of town so my
husband had to be out of town so my
husband had to be out of town so my sister was kind enough to come with me
sister was kind enough to come with me
sister was kind enough to come with me for moral support
for moral support
for moral support I was newly pregnant and going in for my
I was newly pregnant and going in for my
I was newly pregnant and going in for my first ultrasound to confirm a heartbeat
pregnancy did not come easily for me so
pregnancy did not come easily for me so I was particularly anxious and then
I was particularly anxious and then
I was particularly anxious and then there they were yes they two beautiful
there they were yes they two beautiful
there they were yes they two beautiful embryos with intact yolk sacs and
embryos with intact yolk sacs and
embryos with intact yolk sacs and healthy heartbeat something away it was
healthy heartbeat something away it was
healthy heartbeat something away it was the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard
the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard
the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard and just speaking about that moment
and just speaking about that moment
and just speaking about that moment takes me back to how it felt and my
takes me back to how it felt and my
takes me back to how it felt and my sister and I were hugging and crying and
sister and I were hugging and crying and
sister and I were hugging and crying and touching each other’s faces and
touching each other’s faces and
touching each other’s faces and recording the heartbeats and anyone
recording the heartbeats and anyone
recording the heartbeats and anyone who’s been in that moment knows how
who’s been in that moment knows how
who’s been in that moment knows how incredible it is and they sounded so
incredible it is and they sounded so
incredible it is and they sounded so alive and I felt so alive I felt as
alive and I felt so alive I felt as
alive and I felt so alive I felt as though I had reached that pinnacle point
though I had reached that pinnacle point
though I had reached that pinnacle point in life that we’re all striving for I
in life that we’re all striving for I
in life that we’re all striving for I was pregnant my husband and I had just
was pregnant my husband and I had just
was pregnant my husband and I had just bought a home I was married to a man who
bought a home I was married to a man who
bought a home I was married to a man who cared deeply for me I had amazing
cared deeply for me I had amazing
cared deeply for me I had amazing friends my family was healthy and kind
friends my family was healthy and kind
friends my family was healthy and kind to each other my business was thriving
to each other my business was thriving
to each other my business was thriving it felt so good I found myself smiling
it felt so good I found myself smiling
it felt so good I found myself smiling even when I was totally alone
even when I was totally alone
even when I was totally alone I got to live in that bliss for three
I got to live in that bliss for three
I got to live in that bliss for three whole days before my life was rudely
whole days before my life was rudely
whole days before my life was rudely interrupted I was treating myself to a
interrupted I was treating myself to a
interrupted I was treating myself to a facial of all things and when it was
facial of all things and when it was
facial of all things and when it was finished I walked outside and turned on
finished I walked outside and turned on
finished I walked outside and turned on my phone and there were probably 15
my phone and there were probably 15
my phone and there were probably 15 messages from my husband and I knew he
messages from my husband and I knew he
messages from my husband and I knew he had a doctor’s appointment that morning
had a doctor’s appointment that morning
had a doctor’s appointment that morning and it was very unusual for him to call
and it was very unusual for him to call
and it was very unusual for him to call me that many times so I immediately
me that many times so I immediately
me that many times so I immediately called him back and when he picked up
called him back and when he picked up
called him back and when he picked up the phone his voice was shaking and
the phone his voice was shaking and
the phone his voice was shaking and he said baby I’ve got pancreatic cancer
he said baby I’ve got pancreatic cancer
he said baby I’ve got pancreatic cancer and they think it’s already spread I was
and they think it’s already spread I was
and they think it’s already spread I was completely speechless I didn’t know what
completely speechless I didn’t know what
completely speechless I didn’t know what to say I couldn’t come up with any words
to say I couldn’t come up with any words
to say I couldn’t come up with any words and he kept talking and he said I’m
and he kept talking and he said I’m
and he kept talking and he said I’m gonna ask two things of you
gonna ask two things of you
gonna ask two things of you the first don’t let me lose my integrity
the first don’t let me lose my integrity
the first don’t let me lose my integrity and the second I want you to kiss me
and the second I want you to kiss me
and the second I want you to kiss me when I take my last breath tall order
we were living between Miami and DC at
we were living between Miami and DC at the time so I packed my bags and left on
the time so I packed my bags and left on
the time so I packed my bags and left on the next flight we immediately began the
the next flight we immediately began the
the next flight we immediately began the search for the best course of treatment
search for the best course of treatment
search for the best course of treatment and in spite of all the best doctors we
and in spite of all the best doctors we
and in spite of all the best doctors we could find I found myself living a
could find I found myself living a
could find I found myself living a complete contradiction here I was
complete contradiction here I was
complete contradiction here I was watching my husband grow sicker and
watching my husband grow sicker and
watching my husband grow sicker and sicker and my belly was growing larger
sicker and my belly was growing larger
sicker and my belly was growing larger and larger I tried my hardest to be
and larger I tried my hardest to be
and larger I tried my hardest to be there for him and be a source of comfort
there for him and be a source of comfort
there for him and be a source of comfort and be strong but I was terrified and I
and be strong but I was terrified and I
and be strong but I was terrified and I found myself struggling with my own
found myself struggling with my own
found myself struggling with my own fears and depression and a death
fears and depression and a death
fears and depression and a death sentence was not easy to take for a man
sentence was not easy to take for a man
sentence was not easy to take for a man who considered himself indestructible
who considered himself indestructible
who considered himself indestructible who could blame him for feeling that way
who could blame him for feeling that way
who could blame him for feeling that way and he grew angry and combative and my
and he grew angry and combative and my
and he grew angry and combative and my husband my love my best friend my rock
husband my love my best friend my rock
husband my love my best friend my rock my comforter was lost and he became
my comforter was lost and he became
my comforter was lost and he became consumed by his illness shortly after my
consumed by his illness shortly after my
consumed by his illness shortly after my husband’s diagnosis my brother-in-law
husband’s diagnosis my brother-in-law
husband’s diagnosis my brother-in-law moved in with us and I didn’t know him
moved in with us and I didn’t know him
moved in with us and I didn’t know him very well at that point and oddly enough
very well at that point and oddly enough
very well at that point and oddly enough when I look back those were really good
when I look back those were really good
when I look back those were really good times the three of us spent so much time
times the three of us spent so much time
times the three of us spent so much time together and we would laugh thinking we
together and we would laugh thinking we
together and we would laugh thinking we were such an odd trio together living
were such an odd trio together living
were such an odd trio together living together and and that the neighbors
together and and that the neighbors
together and and that the neighbors probably thought that they were a gay
probably thought that they were a gay
probably thought that they were a gay couple and I was the surrogate carrying
couple and I was the surrogate carrying
couple and I was the surrogate carrying the baby
the laughter itself provided a brief
the laughter itself provided a brief comfort from the intensity of what we
comfort from the intensity of what we
comfort from the intensity of what we were dealing with and my
were dealing with and my
were dealing with and my brother-in-law’s selfless gift of his
brother-in-law’s selfless gift of his
brother-in-law’s selfless gift of his time and care for both of us is
time and care for both of us is
time and care for both of us is something that just can’t ever be repaid
our babies were born on a freezing cold
our babies were born on a freezing cold winter day january 29th 2014 they were
winter day january 29th 2014 they were
winter day january 29th 2014 they were about a month early
about a month early
about a month early my daughter Ida was born first to my son
my daughter Ida was born first to my son
my daughter Ida was born first to my son Kash second both of them weighing nearly
Kash second both of them weighing nearly
Kash second both of them weighing nearly seven pounds so needless to say I was
seven pounds so needless to say I was
seven pounds so needless to say I was over being pregnant I was completely
over being pregnant I was completely
over being pregnant I was completely blindsided by how motherhood would hit
blindsided by how motherhood would hit
blindsided by how motherhood would hit me and I felt this depression worsening
me and I felt this depression worsening
me and I felt this depression worsening but I did as best I could to stay ahead
but I did as best I could to stay ahead
but I did as best I could to stay ahead of it and then that innate animalistic
of it and then that innate animalistic
of it and then that innate animalistic thing that takes over when you have your
thing that takes over when you have your
thing that takes over when you have your children took over and and they became
children took over and and they became
children took over and and they became my worlds one night I was giving Ida a
my worlds one night I was giving Ida a
my worlds one night I was giving Ida a bath and she was just looking at me he
bath and she was just looking at me he
bath and she was just looking at me he had these intense blue eyes and I felt
had these intense blue eyes and I felt
had these intense blue eyes and I felt like she was staring into my soul
preparing them for bed each evening was
preparing them for bed each evening was was a juggling act in the truest sense
was a juggling act in the truest sense
was a juggling act in the truest sense of the word and with a lot of screaming
of the word and with a lot of screaming
of the word and with a lot of screaming involved mostly for me and I would be
involved mostly for me and I would be
involved mostly for me and I would be the one and then the other and swaddle
the one and then the other and swaddle
the one and then the other and swaddle one and then the other and you get the
one and then the other and you get the
one and then the other and you get the idea but this particular night when I
idea but this particular night when I
idea but this particular night when I was bathing Ida she was just staring at
was bathing Ida she was just staring at
was bathing Ida she was just staring at me
me
me and I I felt a love that I couldn’t
and I I felt a love that I couldn’t
and I I felt a love that I couldn’t comprehend I didn’t know it would be the
comprehend I didn’t know it would be the
comprehend I didn’t know it would be the last time we’d look at each other and I
last time we’d look at each other and I
last time we’d look at each other and I commented on how strong she was as she
commented on how strong she was as she
commented on how strong she was as she demanded her bottle that night Ida my
demanded her bottle that night Ida my
demanded her bottle that night Ida my sweet beautiful blue-eyed baby girl died
sweet beautiful blue-eyed baby girl died
sweet beautiful blue-eyed baby girl died in her sleep that night and I buried my
in her sleep that night and I buried my
in her sleep that night and I buried my husband six months later to the day
my husband and I lived a very stressful
my husband and I lived a very stressful existence it was fun and it was exciting
existence it was fun and it was exciting
existence it was fun and it was exciting but but it was stressful
but but it was stressful
but but it was stressful we traveled constantly between Miami and
we traveled constantly between Miami and
we traveled constantly between Miami and Washington DC I own a restaurant here in
Washington DC I own a restaurant here in
Washington DC I own a restaurant here in Miami and he owned two at the time in DC
Miami and he owned two at the time in DC
Miami and he owned two at the time in DC we were about to open his third
we were about to open his third
we were about to open his third restaurant when we got the news of our
restaurant when we got the news of our
restaurant when we got the news of our babies and his cancer we spent about a
babies and his cancer we spent about a
babies and his cancer we spent about a week apart each month and and it worked
week apart each month and and it worked
week apart each month and and it worked really well for us it was kind of
really well for us it was kind of
really well for us it was kind of romantic in the initial moments
romantic in the initial moments
romantic in the initial moments following my daughter’s death I was
following my daughter’s death I was
following my daughter’s death I was frantic
frantic
frantic I I went to therapy I saw a shaman I
I I went to therapy I saw a shaman I
I I went to therapy I saw a shaman I went to church I screamed I cried I
went to church I screamed I cried I
went to church I screamed I cried I spoke to other bereaved mothers I threw
spoke to other bereaved mothers I threw
spoke to other bereaved mothers I threw things I hid things I begged and pleaded
things I hid things I begged and pleaded
things I hid things I begged and pleaded for it not to be true I cried so much
for it not to be true I cried so much
for it not to be true I cried so much that my eyes were swollen shut and then
that my eyes were swollen shut and then
that my eyes were swollen shut and then finally I just slept I’ve been forced to
finally I just slept I’ve been forced to
finally I just slept I’ve been forced to find a new philosophy on life and the
find a new philosophy on life and the
find a new philosophy on life and the deaths that I’ve experienced don’t ever
deaths that I’ve experienced don’t ever
deaths that I’ve experienced don’t ever leave me they’re a part of the fabric of
leave me they’re a part of the fabric of
leave me they’re a part of the fabric of Who I am now and I long for the days
Who I am now and I long for the days
Who I am now and I long for the days when escape was so simple I slept
when escape was so simple I slept
when escape was so simple I slept constantly my when I slept I could feel
constantly my when I slept I could feel
constantly my when I slept I could feel the drool pull up in the side of my
the drool pull up in the side of my
the drool pull up in the side of my mouth and run out onto the pillow I
mouth and run out onto the pillow I
mouth and run out onto the pillow I didn’t have the energy to swallow my mom
didn’t have the energy to swallow my mom
didn’t have the energy to swallow my mom would prop me up and put water and
would prop me up and put water and
would prop me up and put water and yogurt in my mouth and lay me back down
yogurt in my mouth and lay me back down
yogurt in my mouth and lay me back down my sister had to bathe me I didn’t want
my sister had to bathe me I didn’t want
my sister had to bathe me I didn’t want to open my eyes because every time that
to open my eyes because every time that
to open my eyes because every time that I did I would relive the terror that was
I did I would relive the terror that was
I did I would relive the terror that was my reality now
each night I could hear my family and
each night I could hear my family and friends gathering of the dinner table
friends gathering of the dinner table
friends gathering of the dinner table and they were a piece of my worlds that
and they were a piece of my worlds that
and they were a piece of my worlds that existed that I knew I had to return to
existed that I knew I had to return to
existed that I knew I had to return to those people sitting around that table
those people sitting around that table
those people sitting around that table were my lifeline and they were my escape
were my lifeline and they were my escape
were my lifeline and they were my escape and I knew that and I never felt so
and I knew that and I never felt so
and I knew that and I never felt so loved I was woken by a friend who came
loved I was woken by a friend who came
loved I was woken by a friend who came to be with me one night and she leaned
to be with me one night and she leaned
to be with me one night and she leaned over and whispered in my ear where I was
over and whispered in my ear where I was
over and whispered in my ear where I was sleeping and said do you want to put
sleeping and said do you want to put
sleeping and said do you want to put your head on my lap I lifted my head and
your head on my lap I lifted my head and
your head on my lap I lifted my head and she sat down I put it back down and fell
she sat down I put it back down and fell
she sat down I put it back down and fell asleep begun for what felt like hours I
kind of felt her squirming and woke up a
kind of felt her squirming and woke up a little bit and I could hear her feel her
little bit and I could hear her feel her
little bit and I could hear her feel her waving someone over say could someone
waving someone over say could someone
waving someone over say could someone please bring me some wine lord knows she
please bring me some wine lord knows she
please bring me some wine lord knows she needed it another friend took time away
needed it another friend took time away
needed it another friend took time away from her own family to stay with me to
from her own family to stay with me to
from her own family to stay with me to help me piece my life back together and
help me piece my life back together and
help me piece my life back together and cook and clean and care for my son I had
cook and clean and care for my son I had
cook and clean and care for my son I had to find a way to stop grieving at least
to find a way to stop grieving at least
to find a way to stop grieving at least temporarily to see my husband through
temporarily to see my husband through
temporarily to see my husband through the rest of his life and my son cash his
the rest of his life and my son cash his
the rest of his life and my son cash his personality was and remains to be
personality was and remains to be
personality was and remains to be infectious he was happy he was he slept
infectious he was happy he was he slept
infectious he was happy he was he slept well he was sweet and he pulled me out
well he was sweet and he pulled me out
well he was sweet and he pulled me out of the deepest parts of my grief he was
of the deepest parts of my grief he was
of the deepest parts of my grief he was my future and my escape and my hope and
my future and my escape and my hope and
my future and my escape and my hope and he deserved to have his mother I woke up
he deserved to have his mother I woke up
he deserved to have his mother I woke up one morning and I could hear my son
one morning and I could hear my son
one morning and I could hear my son stirring in his crib and it was quite
stirring in his crib and it was quite
stirring in his crib and it was quite some time before I could really allow
some time before I could really allow
some time before I could really allow myself to feel anything but pain so I
myself to feel anything but pain so I
myself to feel anything but pain so I got up and walked into his room and he
got up and walked into his room and he
got up and walked into his room and he was standing in his crib with a big
was standing in his crib with a big
was standing in his crib with a big smile on his face
smile on his face
smile on his face mommy he said
mommy he said
mommy he said garbage truck let’s go find it
garbage truck let’s go find it
garbage truck let’s go find it so I picked him up and we ran outside in
so I picked him up and we ran outside in
so I picked him up and we ran outside in our pajamas and we could hear the
our pajamas and we could hear the
our pajamas and we could hear the garbage truck making its way down our
garbage truck making its way down our
garbage truck making its way down our street and he was screaming and laughing
street and he was screaming and laughing
street and he was screaming and laughing and I was screaming and laughing and
and I was screaming and laughing and
and I was screaming and laughing and jumping and we were waving to the
jumping and we were waving to the
jumping and we were waving to the garbage truck and he pulled up in front
garbage truck and he pulled up in front
garbage truck and he pulled up in front of our house and and waved to us and
of our house and and waved to us and
of our house and and waved to us and honk the horn and then and then he was
honk the horn and then and then he was
honk the horn and then and then he was off and I realized I just felt something
off and I realized I just felt something
off and I realized I just felt something I actually felt something besides
I actually felt something besides
I actually felt something besides oppressive pain and I was present and
oppressive pain and I was present and
oppressive pain and I was present and joyful with him and I actually felt
joyful with him and I actually felt
joyful with him and I actually felt something this moment took me completely
something this moment took me completely
something this moment took me completely by surprise and and I began to reflect
maybe my escape had always been there
maybe my escape had always been there it just was more simple than I
it just was more simple than I
it just was more simple than I originally thought
originally thought
originally thought sandy beaches would never bring me the
sandy beaches would never bring me the
sandy beaches would never bring me the peace that it used to but I realized
peace that it used to but I realized
peace that it used to but I realized that I could now experience a moment in
that I could now experience a moment in
that I could now experience a moment in a way that I never had before a couple
a way that I never had before a couple
a way that I never had before a couple of nights before my husband’s passing we
of nights before my husband’s passing we
of nights before my husband’s passing we all gathered at his bedside and we
all gathered at his bedside and we
all gathered at his bedside and we opened a bottle of wine actually quite a
opened a bottle of wine actually quite a
opened a bottle of wine actually quite a few bottles of wine and we were together
few bottles of wine and we were together
few bottles of wine and we were together and we told stories and we laughed at
and we told stories and we laughed at
and we told stories and we laughed at his expense and and we were joyful
his expense and and we were joyful
his expense and and we were joyful and a little while later that night I
and a little while later that night I
and a little while later that night I went in to check on him and his eyes
went in to check on him and his eyes
went in to check on him and his eyes were open I leaned over and I said hi
were open I leaned over and I said hi
were open I leaned over and I said hi we’re all here and he closed them again
with hospice in charge and my husband at
with hospice in charge and my husband at home in a hospital bed my mom and I were
home in a hospital bed my mom and I were
home in a hospital bed my mom and I were sleeping on a sofa bed just outside of
sleeping on a sofa bed just outside of
sleeping on a sofa bed just outside of our bedroom and the hospice nurse came
our bedroom and the hospice nurse came
our bedroom and the hospice nurse came and woke us up in the middle of the
and woke us up in the middle of the
and woke us up in the middle of the night and we walked into the room and
night and we walked into the room and
night and we walked into the room and [Music]
[Music]
[Music] his his breathing my husband’s breathing
his his breathing my husband’s breathing
his his breathing my husband’s breathing was really labored and kind of spaced
was really labored and kind of spaced
was really labored and kind of spaced out I grabbed his hand and I stroked his
out I grabbed his hand and I stroked his
out I grabbed his hand and I stroked his head my mom held his other hand and he
head my mom held his other hand and he
head my mom held his other hand and he took this one really deep breath and
took this one really deep breath and
took this one really deep breath and somehow I knew it was his last and I
somehow I knew it was his last and I
somehow I knew it was his last and I kissed him and the air just kind of left
kissed him and the air just kind of left
kissed him and the air just kind of left his body go get our girl I was Britton
his body go get our girl I was Britton
his body go get our girl I was Britton his ear and now I look back on the past
his ear and now I look back on the past
his ear and now I look back on the past couple of years and I realize that I did
couple of years and I realize that I did
couple of years and I realize that I did have moments where I escaped I I loved
have moments where I escaped I I loved
have moments where I escaped I I loved sitting at a dinner table with my family
sitting at a dinner table with my family
sitting at a dinner table with my family I loved laughing with my friends I loved
I loved laughing with my friends I loved
I loved laughing with my friends I loved losing myself in my son’s joyful world
losing myself in my son’s joyful world
losing myself in my son’s joyful world of Batman and construction vehicles and
of Batman and construction vehicles and
of Batman and construction vehicles and bedtime stories so I implore you to stop
bedtime stories so I implore you to stop
bedtime stories so I implore you to stop and think that you escaped maybe even
and think that you escaped maybe even
and think that you escaped maybe even today and be in a moment and allow
today and be in a moment and allow
today and be in a moment and allow yourself to escape to the present thank
yourself to escape to the present thank
yourself to escape to the present thank you for hearing my story
you
you [Music]
”
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