a few years ago I was asked to write a piece for the small feminist magazine on
piece for the small feminist magazine on
piece for the small feminist magazine on their intersectionality issue and in
their intersectionality issue and in
their intersectionality issue and in that essay I called myself a bad
that essay I called myself a bad
that essay I called myself a bad feminist that may not seem like a weird
feminist that may not seem like a weird
feminist that may not seem like a weird thing to do but I had just earned a dual
thing to do but I had just earned a dual
thing to do but I had just earned a dual doctorate degree in feminist philosophy
doctorate degree in feminist philosophy
doctorate degree in feminist philosophy and Women’s Studies meaning I literally
and Women’s Studies meaning I literally
and Women’s Studies meaning I literally graduated in feminism so if I calling
graduated in feminism so if I calling
graduated in feminism so if I calling myself a bad feminist it was meant to be
myself a bad feminist it was meant to be
myself a bad feminist it was meant to be just a little bit tongue-in-cheek I
just a little bit tongue-in-cheek I
just a little bit tongue-in-cheek I didn’t really think I was a bad feminist
didn’t really think I was a bad feminist
didn’t really think I was a bad feminist but I was acknowledging that feminism is
but I was acknowledging that feminism is
but I was acknowledging that feminism is hard and complicated doing good feminist
hard and complicated doing good feminist
hard and complicated doing good feminist work and the work to be a good feminist
work and the work to be a good feminist
work and the work to be a good feminist is even harder if my feminist education
is even harder if my feminist education
is even harder if my feminist education taught me anything it’s that good
taught me anything it’s that good
taught me anything it’s that good feminism isn’t about just challenging
feminism isn’t about just challenging
feminism isn’t about just challenging the oppressive structures outside of
the oppressive structures outside of
the oppressive structures outside of ourselves it’s fundamentally rooted in
ourselves it’s fundamentally rooted in
ourselves it’s fundamentally rooted in the need to constantly reflect on one’s
the need to constantly reflect on one’s
the need to constantly reflect on one’s own practices so in other words if you
own practices so in other words if you
own practices so in other words if you do social justice work that means you
do social justice work that means you
do social justice work that means you have to stay open to the possibility
have to stay open to the possibility
have to stay open to the possibility that you could be doing it poorly unless
that you could be doing it poorly unless
that you could be doing it poorly unless you could do it a little bit better so
you could do it a little bit better so
you could do it a little bit better so if I calling myself a bad feminist I was
if I calling myself a bad feminist I was
if I calling myself a bad feminist I was genuinely grappling with these issues
genuinely grappling with these issues
genuinely grappling with these issues even within myself because the truth is
even within myself because the truth is
even within myself because the truth is you don’t ever actually graduate from
you don’t ever actually graduate from
you don’t ever actually graduate from feminism and I was also responding to a
feminism and I was also responding to a
feminism and I was also responding to a particular moment in time it was 2013
particular moment in time it was 2013
particular moment in time it was 2013 into 2014 when online feminist discourse
into 2014 when online feminist discourse
into 2014 when online feminist discourse about mainstream feminist discourse was
about mainstream feminist discourse was
about mainstream feminist discourse was blowing up women of color were calling
blowing up women of color were calling
blowing up women of color were calling out white women on their racism for not
out white women on their racism for not
out white women on their racism for not being intersectional in their fight
being intersectional in their fight
being intersectional in their fight against Texas oppression and white women
against Texas oppression and white women
against Texas oppression and white women were getting very defensive saying this
were getting very defensive saying this
were getting very defensive saying this call out culture and internal conflicts
call out culture and internal conflicts
call out culture and internal conflicts were bad for the feminist movement
were bad for the feminist movement
were bad for the feminist movement itself for example see this evidence the
itself for example see this evidence the
itself for example see this evidence the nation ran a story by Michelle Goldberg
nation ran a story by Michelle Goldberg
nation ran a story by Michelle Goldberg titled feminism’s toxic Twitter Wars
titled feminism’s toxic Twitter Wars
titled feminism’s toxic Twitter Wars which itself became subject a pretty
which itself became subject a pretty
which itself became subject a pretty intense critique for being yet another
intense critique for being yet another
intense critique for being yet another mainstream platform that was centering
mainstream platform that was centering
mainstream platform that was centering white women as the representatives of
white women as the representatives of
white women as the representatives of feminism so this exchange back and forth
feminism so this exchange back and forth
feminism so this exchange back and forth was really heated and intense which is
was really heated and intense which is
was really heated and intense which is saying a lot because I was just watching
saying a lot because I was just watching
saying a lot because I was just watching all of us go down from my laptop in my
all of us go down from my laptop in my
all of us go down from my laptop in my living room with the creation of
living room with the creation of
living room with the creation of digital spaces online publishing in the
digital spaces online publishing in the
digital spaces online publishing in the blogosphere and social media we have
blogosphere and social media we have
blogosphere and social media we have undergone a dramatic shift in how we are
undergone a dramatic shift in how we are
undergone a dramatic shift in how we are able to interact with one another but
able to interact with one another but
able to interact with one another but more importantly there’s been a shift in
more importantly there’s been a shift in
more importantly there’s been a shift in who can interact with one another whose
who can interact with one another whose
who can interact with one another whose voices are elevated and which voices are
voices are elevated and which voices are
voices are elevated and which voices are heard and this is incredible it’s also
heard and this is incredible it’s also
heard and this is incredible it’s also incredibly valuable for feminism but as
incredibly valuable for feminism but as
incredibly valuable for feminism but as far as the history of feminism goes
far as the history of feminism goes
far as the history of feminism goes that’s pretty much the only thing that’s
that’s pretty much the only thing that’s
that’s pretty much the only thing that’s new here for many decades before
new here for many decades before
new here for many decades before kimberlé crenshaw coined the term
kimberlé crenshaw coined the term
kimberlé crenshaw coined the term intersectionality women of color were
intersectionality women of color were
intersectionality women of color were calling out the inadequacies of white
calling out the inadequacies of white
calling out the inadequacies of white womens feminism and the refrain has
womens feminism and the refrain has
womens feminism and the refrain has pretty consistently been hey quit
pretty consistently been hey quit
pretty consistently been hey quit ignoring all of our differences and
ignoring all of our differences and
ignoring all of our differences and assuming we’re all the same unless you
assuming we’re all the same unless you
assuming we’re all the same unless you want to be a bad feminist and audre
want to be a bad feminist and audre
want to be a bad feminist and audre Lorde insisted that rather than letting
Lorde insisted that rather than letting
Lorde insisted that rather than letting our differences divide us we have to
our differences divide us we have to
our differences divide us we have to learn to leverage our differences as our
learn to leverage our differences as our
learn to leverage our differences as our greatest resource for power strength and
greatest resource for power strength and
greatest resource for power strength and creating new ways of being
creating new ways of being
creating new ways of being but for white feminists who didn’t
but for white feminists who didn’t
but for white feminists who didn’t appreciate this history it’s no wonder
appreciate this history it’s no wonder
appreciate this history it’s no wonder they were suddenly feeling attacked
they were suddenly feeling attacked
they were suddenly feeling attacked centuries worth of mistrust and betrayal
centuries worth of mistrust and betrayal
centuries worth of mistrust and betrayal and frustration from women of color was
and frustration from women of color was
and frustration from women of color was now readily and unequivocally directed
now readily and unequivocally directed
now readily and unequivocally directed at white feminists and 140 characters
at white feminists and 140 characters
at white feminists and 140 characters and incisive hashtags like solidarity is
and incisive hashtags like solidarity is
and incisive hashtags like solidarity is for white women and yet not a whole lot
for white women and yet not a whole lot
for white women and yet not a whole lot has changed here we are
has changed here we are
has changed here we are 2017 mere months after the women’s March
2017 mere months after the women’s March
2017 mere months after the women’s March an awesomely historic event that spurred
an awesomely historic event that spurred
an awesomely historic event that spurred demonstrations on every single continent
demonstrations on every single continent
demonstrations on every single continent and while millions of people took to the
and while millions of people took to the
and while millions of people took to the street no amount of pink hats
street no amount of pink hats
street no amount of pink hats would guard against legitimate critique
would guard against legitimate critique
would guard against legitimate critique and skepticism unless those millions
and skepticism unless those millions
and skepticism unless those millions continued to fight for the rights of
continued to fight for the rights of
continued to fight for the rights of black queer trans Native Muslim
black queer trans Native Muslim
black queer trans Native Muslim undocumented a poor women than even ones
undocumented a poor women than even ones
undocumented a poor women than even ones participation in the women’s March could
participation in the women’s March could
participation in the women’s March could be viewed as a superficial show of
be viewed as a superficial show of
be viewed as a superficial show of solidarity at best so when these
solidarity at best so when these
solidarity at best so when these concerns were posted online you guessed
concerns were posted online you guessed
concerns were posted online you guessed it
it
it many people namely white women said it
many people namely white women said it
many people namely white women said it was the critics and the skeptics who
was the critics and the skeptics who
was the critics and the skeptics who were being divisive by not merely
were being divisive by not merely
were being divisive by not merely celebrating that so many people came out
celebrating that so many people came out
celebrating that so many people came out for this March so apparently neither in
for this March so apparently neither in
for this March so apparently neither in unprecedented
unprecedented
unprecedented access to feedback on one’s activism nor
access to feedback on one’s activism nor
access to feedback on one’s activism nor political events so alarming to mobilize
political events so alarming to mobilize
political events so alarming to mobilize an entire planet are enough to inspire
an entire planet are enough to inspire
an entire planet are enough to inspire some white feminists to reflect on maybe
some white feminists to reflect on maybe
some white feminists to reflect on maybe how they could do a little better the
how they could do a little better the
how they could do a little better the only thing that seems to have changed is
only thing that seems to have changed is
only thing that seems to have changed is the speed with which we can now deny and
the speed with which we can now deny and
the speed with which we can now deny and deflect and continue to harm and not
deflect and continue to harm and not
deflect and continue to harm and not listen to or understand one another that
listen to or understand one another that
listen to or understand one another that and that now comedians like Eliza
and that now comedians like Eliza
and that now comedians like Eliza Skinner can summarize all of this in one
Skinner can summarize all of this in one
Skinner can summarize all of this in one perfectly insightful tweet so I’ve been
perfectly insightful tweet so I’ve been
perfectly insightful tweet so I’ve been perplexed how this could continue to be
perplexed how this could continue to be
perplexed how this could continue to be oh now you just read it now
oh now you just read it now
oh now you just read it now I’ve been perplexed at how this could
I’ve been perplexed at how this could
I’ve been perplexed at how this could continue to be such a problem for
continue to be such a problem for
continue to be such a problem for feminism among people who say that they
feminism among people who say that they
feminism among people who say that they fight the same fight and what the
fight the same fight and what the
fight the same fight and what the barrage of sources saying hey it’s a
barrage of sources saying hey it’s a
barrage of sources saying hey it’s a favor fix your face so rather than just
favor fix your face so rather than just
favor fix your face so rather than just hanging out in the blogosphere some more
hanging out in the blogosphere some more
hanging out in the blogosphere some more I spent the past few years returning to
I spent the past few years returning to
I spent the past few years returning to feminist essays written by women of
feminist essays written by women of
feminist essays written by women of color from the 70s and the 80s and the
color from the 70s and the 80s and the
color from the 70s and the 80s and the resonance has not faded but one essay in
resonance has not faded but one essay in
resonance has not faded but one essay in particular has really stuck out to me in
particular has really stuck out to me in
particular has really stuck out to me in 1983 which is before I was even born two
1983 which is before I was even born two
1983 which is before I was even born two theorists Maria lagunes and Elizabeth
theorists Maria lagunes and Elizabeth
theorists Maria lagunes and Elizabeth Spelman published have we got a theory
Spelman published have we got a theory
Spelman published have we got a theory for you this piece is amazing it’s
for you this piece is amazing it’s
for you this piece is amazing it’s nuanced and it’s comprehensive and how
nuanced and it’s comprehensive and how
nuanced and it’s comprehensive and how it outlines these ongoing tensions
it outlines these ongoing tensions
it outlines these ongoing tensions between women of color and white women
between women of color and white women
between women of color and white women within feminism but it’s also really
within feminism but it’s also really
within feminism but it’s also really unique and that it’s written by a woman
unique and that it’s written by a woman
unique and that it’s written by a woman of color and a white woman in their own
of color and a white woman in their own
of color and a white woman in their own voices
voices
voices but together and like so many others
but together and like so many others
but together and like so many others they say that in order to do better to
they say that in order to do better to
they say that in order to do better to leverage our differences we need to
leverage our differences we need to
leverage our differences we need to engage in dialogue genuine reciprocal
engage in dialogue genuine reciprocal
engage in dialogue genuine reciprocal dialogue and yet they immediately call
dialogue and yet they immediately call
dialogue and yet they immediately call this into question is even possible or
this into question is even possible or
this into question is even possible or desirable because it’s super hard and
desirable because it’s super hard and
desirable because it’s super hard and most of us don’t seem to know how to do
most of us don’t seem to know how to do
most of us don’t seem to know how to do it
it
it engage in a dialogue isn’t just talking
engage in a dialogue isn’t just talking
engage in a dialogue isn’t just talking with other people for fun engaging in
with other people for fun engaging in
with other people for fun engaging in genuine reciprocal dialogue is a sort of
genuine reciprocal dialogue is a sort of
genuine reciprocal dialogue is a sort of engagement that puts us outside of
engagement that puts us outside of
engagement that puts us outside of ourselves and into another person’s
ourselves and into another person’s
ourselves and into another person’s world it’s about really listening and
world it’s about really listening and
world it’s about really listening and being willing to have our assumptions
being willing to have our assumptions
being willing to have our assumptions and our self conceptions shattered as a
and our self conceptions shattered as a
and our self conceptions shattered as a result especially if you come from a
result especially if you come from a
result especially if you come from a place
place
place of privilege that’s because privilege
of privilege that’s because privilege
of privilege that’s because privilege doesn’t just refer to these benefits and
doesn’t just refer to these benefits and
doesn’t just refer to these benefits and unearned advantages that help you
unearned advantages that help you
unearned advantages that help you navigate the world more easily privilege
navigate the world more easily privilege
navigate the world more easily privilege can also be there negatively
can also be there negatively
can also be there negatively characterized as a lack or a deficit in
characterized as a lack or a deficit in
characterized as a lack or a deficit in knowledge insight understanding
knowledge insight understanding
knowledge insight understanding experience and cultural fluency so if
experience and cultural fluency so if
experience and cultural fluency so if you’re working for social justice but
you’re working for social justice but
you’re working for social justice but coming from a place of privilege you
coming from a place of privilege you
coming from a place of privilege you have to recognize that there’s a whole
have to recognize that there’s a whole
have to recognize that there’s a whole lot going on and a whole lot at stake
lot going on and a whole lot at stake
lot going on and a whole lot at stake that you probably don’t get because
that you probably don’t get because
that you probably don’t get because you’ve never had to get it so assume
you’ve never had to get it so assume
you’ve never had to get it so assume you’re missing information that you’re
you’re missing information that you’re
you’re missing information that you’re unfamiliar with the issues and that you
unfamiliar with the issues and that you
unfamiliar with the issues and that you have a lot of learning to do before you
have a lot of learning to do before you
have a lot of learning to do before you can start explaining anything or even
can start explaining anything or even
can start explaining anything or even appropriately taking action engaging in
appropriately taking action engaging in
appropriately taking action engaging in genuine reciprocal dialogue seems like a
genuine reciprocal dialogue seems like a
genuine reciprocal dialogue seems like a really promising antidote to address
really promising antidote to address
really promising antidote to address what Lugano Sen Spellman referred to as
what Lugano Sen Spellman referred to as
what Lugano Sen Spellman referred to as this asymmetry in working knowledge but
this asymmetry in working knowledge but
this asymmetry in working knowledge but again immediately the desirability of
again immediately the desirability of
again immediately the desirability of this dialogue is called into question
this dialogue is called into question
this dialogue is called into question because sometimes what people think
because sometimes what people think
because sometimes what people think counts as learning about our differences
counts as learning about our differences
counts as learning about our differences can actually do more harm than good so
can actually do more harm than good so
can actually do more harm than good so depending on how clued in you are maybe
depending on how clued in you are maybe
depending on how clued in you are maybe you already know these things you know
you already know these things you know
you already know these things you know that colorblindness a savior complex
that colorblindness a savior complex
that colorblindness a savior complex white guilt and white tears are not
white guilt and white tears are not
white guilt and white tears are not helpful you know that stereotyping
helpful you know that stereotyping
helpful you know that stereotyping exotic sizing project your known image
exotic sizing project your known image
exotic sizing project your known image onto others is harmful you may also know
onto others is harmful you may also know
onto others is harmful you may also know that centering your own needs and
that centering your own needs and
that centering your own needs and shifting the burden and asking others to
shifting the burden and asking others to
shifting the burden and asking others to educate you to make you a better person
educate you to make you a better person
educate you to make you a better person is unfair and problematic and so is
is unfair and problematic and so is
is unfair and problematic and so is whites planing and mansplaining any
whites planing and mansplaining any
whites planing and mansplaining any other kind of splaining that happens
other kind of splaining that happens
other kind of splaining that happens when you assume that now you can speak
when you assume that now you can speak
when you assume that now you can speak on behalf of others rather than letting
on behalf of others rather than letting
on behalf of others rather than letting them speak for themselves there are a
them speak for themselves there are a
them speak for themselves there are a lot of ways to do this very poorly but I
lot of ways to do this very poorly but I
lot of ways to do this very poorly but I do believe that anyone can do this well
do believe that anyone can do this well
do believe that anyone can do this well if we agree on two things the first is
if we agree on two things the first is
if we agree on two things the first is an important little reminder the whole
an important little reminder the whole
an important little reminder the whole purpose of social justice work is
purpose of social justice work is
purpose of social justice work is liberation of the oppressed from
liberation of the oppressed from
liberation of the oppressed from oppression to end oppression not to feel
oppression to end oppression not to feel
oppression to end oppression not to feel good about ourselves not to say we’re a
good about ourselves not to say we’re a
good about ourselves not to say we’re a good person but because oppression is
good person but because oppression is
good person but because oppression is unquestionably
unquestionably
unquestionably bad and its existence is a threat to all
bad and its existence is a threat to all
bad and its existence is a threat to all of our humanity that means that we all
of our humanity that means that we all
of our humanity that means that we all depend on our work being 100% in
depend on our work being 100% in
depend on our work being 100% in response to the needs of the oppressed
response to the needs of the oppressed
response to the needs of the oppressed if we can agree on that one shared
if we can agree on that one shared
if we can agree on that one shared common goal which is to end oppression
common goal which is to end oppression
common goal which is to end oppression then all of the rest of this gets a lot
then all of the rest of this gets a lot
then all of the rest of this gets a lot easier because now if you don’t listen
easier because now if you don’t listen
easier because now if you don’t listen to the people with whom you claim to
to the people with whom you claim to
to the people with whom you claim to stand in solidarity you should expect to
stand in solidarity you should expect to
stand in solidarity you should expect to be called out criticized and dismissed
be called out criticized and dismissed
be called out criticized and dismissed the second is that this is hard work but
the second is that this is hard work but
the second is that this is hard work but like I said before the hardest work is
like I said before the hardest work is
like I said before the hardest work is the work we must do on ourselves Pagonis
the work we must do on ourselves Pagonis
the work we must do on ourselves Pagonis and Spelman said that in order for white
and Spelman said that in order for white
and Spelman said that in order for white women to enter into a genuine reciprocal
women to enter into a genuine reciprocal
women to enter into a genuine reciprocal dialogue with women of color they would
dialogue with women of color they would
dialogue with women of color they would have to learn to become unintrusive
have to learn to become unintrusive
have to learn to become unintrusive unimportant and patient to the point of
unimportant and patient to the point of
unimportant and patient to the point of Tears they would have to deal with being
Tears they would have to deal with being
Tears they would have to deal with being viewed with mistrust and have their own
viewed with mistrust and have their own
viewed with mistrust and have their own feelings of alienation and having their
feelings of alienation and having their
feelings of alienation and having their world thoroughly disrupted and
world thoroughly disrupted and
world thoroughly disrupted and criticized by those who had been harmed
criticized by those who had been harmed
criticized by those who had been harmed by it this process is so demanding and
by it this process is so demanding and
by it this process is so demanding and so difficult that the goddess of Spelman
so difficult that the goddess of Spelman
so difficult that the goddess of Spelman say it doesn’t make sense to enter into
say it doesn’t make sense to enter into
say it doesn’t make sense to enter into this out of one’s own self-interest
this out of one’s own self-interest
this out of one’s own self-interest because you’re basically signing up for
because you’re basically signing up for
because you’re basically signing up for a very rude awakening
a very rude awakening
a very rude awakening instead they suggest that the only
instead they suggest that the only
instead they suggest that the only motivation that makes sense for entering
motivation that makes sense for entering
motivation that makes sense for entering into this sort of dialogue is that a
into this sort of dialogue is that a
into this sort of dialogue is that a friendship out of friendship and that to
friendship out of friendship and that to
friendship out of friendship and that to me was key so I have spent the past
me was key so I have spent the past
me was key so I have spent the past couple years developing that brief
couple years developing that brief
couple years developing that brief mention of friendship out of friendship
mention of friendship out of friendship
mention of friendship out of friendship into a model that can apply to anyone
into a model that can apply to anyone
into a model that can apply to anyone who does social justice work we need to
who does social justice work we need to
who does social justice work we need to engage in reciprocal dialogue but we
engage in reciprocal dialogue but we
engage in reciprocal dialogue but we have to know how to do it so we don’t
have to know how to do it so we don’t
have to know how to do it so we don’t keep reanimating those problems found in
keep reanimating those problems found in
keep reanimating those problems found in white feminism and i call this model
white feminism and i call this model
white feminism and i call this model feminist friendship feminist friendship
feminist friendship feminist friendship
feminist friendship feminist friendship draws on how we engage with our closest
draws on how we engage with our closest
draws on how we engage with our closest friends
friends
friends to illustrate how we could better engage
to illustrate how we could better engage
to illustrate how we could better engage in social justice work by focusing on
in social justice work by focusing on
in social justice work by focusing on the motivation and the methods for both
the motivation and the methods for both
the motivation and the methods for both so I want you to take a second think of
so I want you to take a second think of
so I want you to take a second think of someone who you deeply love and care
someone who you deeply love and care
someone who you deeply love and care about maybe your best friend or if it’s
about maybe your best friend or if it’s
about maybe your best friend or if it’s easier just think of someone who loves
easier just think of someone who loves
easier just think of someone who loves you best and knows how and when to show
you best and knows how and when to show
you best and knows how and when to show up for you
up for you
up for you when it comes to engaging with our best
when it comes to engaging with our best
when it comes to engaging with our best friends the whole motivation for being
friends the whole motivation for being
friends the whole motivation for being with them is the relationship friendship
with them is the relationship friendship
with them is the relationship friendship itself if we befriend others out of our
itself if we befriend others out of our
itself if we befriend others out of our own need to feel validated or look cool
own need to feel validated or look cool
own need to feel validated or look cool or to get access to their lake house or
or to get access to their lake house or
or to get access to their lake house or invites to their epic parties that’s a
invites to their epic parties that’s a
invites to their epic parties that’s a perversion of the meaning of friendship
perversion of the meaning of friendship
perversion of the meaning of friendship and our motivation for why we go into
and our motivation for why we go into
and our motivation for why we go into relationship with others informs how we
relationship with others informs how we
relationship with others informs how we show up for them our methods with our
show up for them our methods with our
show up for them our methods with our closest friends we respond to their
closest friends we respond to their
closest friends we respond to their needs because we care about them and we
needs because we care about them and we
needs because we care about them and we want what’s best for them no matter what
want what’s best for them no matter what
want what’s best for them no matter what even if it’s inconvenient for us we will
even if it’s inconvenient for us we will
even if it’s inconvenient for us we will pick up the phone in the middle of the
pick up the phone in the middle of the
pick up the phone in the middle of the night and go help them get out of a bad
night and go help them get out of a bad
night and go help them get out of a bad situation even if it’s one of their own
situation even if it’s one of their own
situation even if it’s one of their own making
making
making this relates to our first agreement that
this relates to our first agreement that
this relates to our first agreement that the sole purpose of social justice work
the sole purpose of social justice work
the sole purpose of social justice work is to respond to the needs of the
is to respond to the needs of the
is to respond to the needs of the oppressed not only when it’s convenient
oppressed not only when it’s convenient
oppressed not only when it’s convenient for us but because that’s what’s
for us but because that’s what’s
for us but because that’s what’s demanded of us if we claim to do this
demanded of us if we claim to do this
demanded of us if we claim to do this work so we would go out of our way to
work so we would go out of our way to
work so we would go out of our way to make sure that our friends got home safe
make sure that our friends got home safe
make sure that our friends got home safe after a night of heavy drinking and
after a night of heavy drinking and
after a night of heavy drinking and likewise we have to go out of our way to
likewise we have to go out of our way to
likewise we have to go out of our way to destroy the deadly systems of violence
destroy the deadly systems of violence
destroy the deadly systems of violence that harm entire communities we can also
that harm entire communities we can also
that harm entire communities we can also glean some insights based on how we
glean some insights based on how we
glean some insights based on how we engage with our friends and dialogue we
engage with our friends and dialogue we
engage with our friends and dialogue we know it’s poor form to offer unsolicited
know it’s poor form to offer unsolicited
know it’s poor form to offer unsolicited advice or try to dismiss someone’s pain
advice or try to dismiss someone’s pain
advice or try to dismiss someone’s pain and say they’re just overreacting
and say they’re just overreacting
and say they’re just overreacting sometimes rather than talking so much or
sometimes rather than talking so much or
sometimes rather than talking so much or trying to solve another person’s problem
trying to solve another person’s problem
trying to solve another person’s problem it’s better to just listen listening is
it’s better to just listen listening is
it’s better to just listen listening is itself an important way to show support
itself an important way to show support
itself an important way to show support because it offers something that we all
because it offers something that we all
because it offers something that we all need which is to know that we’re seen
need which is to know that we’re seen
need which is to know that we’re seen and were heard and were understood but
and were heard and were understood but
and were heard and were understood but of course when we listen we might also
of course when we listen we might also
of course when we listen we might also learn other ways that we could take care
learn other ways that we could take care
learn other ways that we could take care of our friends when they’re feeling bad
of our friends when they’re feeling bad
of our friends when they’re feeling bad like maybe we’ll know that they just
like maybe we’ll know that they just
like maybe we’ll know that they just need to go for a walk or have a good cry
need to go for a walk or have a good cry
need to go for a walk or have a good cry or a full night of dancing and when our
or a full night of dancing and when our
or a full night of dancing and when our friends share something that’s important
friends share something that’s important
friends share something that’s important to them but unfamiliar to us we take it
to them but unfamiliar to us we take it
to them but unfamiliar to us we take it upon ourselves to learn more if your
upon ourselves to learn more if your
upon ourselves to learn more if your friend was diagnosed with a blood
friend was diagnosed with a blood
friend was diagnosed with a blood disorder you would probably have some
disorder you would probably have some
disorder you would probably have some pretty serious follow-up questions but
pretty serious follow-up questions but
pretty serious follow-up questions but you might also go look it up on your own
you might also go look it up on your own
you might also go look it up on your own because there is Google and WebMD but
because there is Google and WebMD but
because there is Google and WebMD but when people share their
when people share their
when people share their of classist or ablest oppression those
of classist or ablest oppression those
of classist or ablest oppression those who can’t relate are often very quick to
who can’t relate are often very quick to
who can’t relate are often very quick to dismiss or deny this pain and that’s a
dismiss or deny this pain and that’s a
dismiss or deny this pain and that’s a real problem because you wouldn’t do
real problem because you wouldn’t do
real problem because you wouldn’t do that
that
that you wouldn’t dismiss or deny the pain in
you wouldn’t dismiss or deny the pain in
you wouldn’t dismiss or deny the pain in fact you wouldn’t create an additional
fact you wouldn’t create an additional
fact you wouldn’t create an additional burden by asking that person to explain
burden by asking that person to explain
burden by asking that person to explain even more what it’s like for them to
even more what it’s like for them to
even more what it’s like for them to convince you that that oppression is
convince you that that oppression is
convince you that that oppression is actually even real really we should all
actually even real really we should all
actually even real really we should all be taking it upon ourselves to learn
be taking it upon ourselves to learn
be taking it upon ourselves to learn more about oppression in all of its
more about oppression in all of its
more about oppression in all of its forms especially if we are the ones
forms especially if we are the ones
forms especially if we are the ones perpetuating it you know how upset you
perpetuating it you know how upset you
perpetuating it you know how upset you get when you have lunch with your
get when you have lunch with your
get when you have lunch with your friends and you come home and realize
friends and you come home and realize
friends and you come home and realize that you had a booger hanging out your
that you had a booger hanging out your
that you had a booger hanging out your nose the whole day out of shame you
nose the whole day out of shame you
nose the whole day out of shame you don’t deny the booger but you say why
don’t deny the booger but you say why
don’t deny the booger but you say why did you let me walk around with a booger
did you let me walk around with a booger
did you let me walk around with a booger hanging at my face all the day and
hanging at my face all the day and
hanging at my face all the day and looking like a fool likewise if we are
looking like a fool likewise if we are
looking like a fool likewise if we are really committed to ending oppression
really committed to ending oppression
really committed to ending oppression then we should accept critical feedback
then we should accept critical feedback
then we should accept critical feedback as a gift if we are the ones for Pecha
as a gift if we are the ones for Pecha
as a gift if we are the ones for Pecha weighted oppressive systems we should be
weighted oppressive systems we should be
weighted oppressive systems we should be grateful for the opportunity to fix our
grateful for the opportunity to fix our
grateful for the opportunity to fix our face and finally if some day we just
face and finally if some day we just
face and finally if some day we just inadvertently hurt our friends feelings
inadvertently hurt our friends feelings
inadvertently hurt our friends feelings even when we meant well we don’t get
even when we meant well we don’t get
even when we meant well we don’t get defensive we offer an apology
defensive we offer an apology
defensive we offer an apology and we commit to do better unfortunately
and we commit to do better unfortunately
and we commit to do better unfortunately when it comes to social justice work
when it comes to social justice work
when it comes to social justice work many people just don’t seem to know how
many people just don’t seem to know how
many people just don’t seem to know how to admit that they were wrong and
to admit that they were wrong and
to admit that they were wrong and apologized like they mean it when I
apologized like they mean it when I
apologized like they mean it when I started putting together this model of
started putting together this model of
started putting together this model of feminist friend ship I thought this is
feminist friend ship I thought this is
feminist friend ship I thought this is gonna be so easy for people to get
gonna be so easy for people to get
gonna be so easy for people to get because we know how to be a good friend
because we know how to be a good friend
because we know how to be a good friend right all we have to do is recognize we
right all we have to do is recognize we
right all we have to do is recognize we already employ these skills with the
already employ these skills with the
already employ these skills with the people we care about so we just need to
people we care about so we just need to
people we care about so we just need to apply them to how we engage in dialogue
apply them to how we engage in dialogue
apply them to how we engage in dialogue with others for social justice but it
with others for social justice but it
with others for social justice but it hasn’t been that easy some people are
hasn’t been that easy some people are
hasn’t been that easy some people are too quick to jump to this conclusion
too quick to jump to this conclusion
too quick to jump to this conclusion that all we need to do to end oppression
that all we need to do to end oppression
that all we need to do to end oppression is go out and make more friends hold
is go out and make more friends hold
is go out and make more friends hold hands get along sing Kumbaya and while
hands get along sing Kumbaya and while
hands get along sing Kumbaya and while there is an important implication here
there is an important implication here
there is an important implication here which is the real political significance
which is the real political significance
which is the real political significance behind who we know and love and call our
behind who we know and love and call our
behind who we know and love and call our closest friends the point of feminist
closest friends the point of feminist
closest friends the point of feminist friendship is not to just go make more
friendship is not to just go make more
friendship is not to just go make more friends and sing Kumbaya the point of
friends and sing Kumbaya the point of
friends and sing Kumbaya the point of feminist friendship is to work better
feminist friendship is to work better
feminist friendship is to work better together to end oppression plus it’d be
together to end oppression plus it’d be
together to end oppression plus it’d be pretty misguided to assume that people
pretty misguided to assume that people
pretty misguided to assume that people would suspend their mistrust of us and
would suspend their mistrust of us and
would suspend their mistrust of us and want to be
want to be
want to be friends with us if we haven’t
friends with us if we haven’t
friends with us if we haven’t demonstrated that we’ve got their back
demonstrated that we’ve got their back
demonstrated that we’ve got their back no matter what
no matter what
no matter what so for bad feminists and folks with
so for bad feminists and folks with
so for bad feminists and folks with privilege we have to wonder why there’s
privilege we have to wonder why there’s
privilege we have to wonder why there’s a difference between how we show up for
a difference between how we show up for
a difference between how we show up for the friends that we care about and how
the friends that we care about and how
the friends that we care about and how we show up for others when we say we
we show up for others when we say we
we show up for others when we say we care about social justice what the model
care about social justice what the model
care about social justice what the model of feminist friendship teaches us is
of feminist friendship teaches us is
of feminist friendship teaches us is that before we can expect a stand in
that before we can expect a stand in
that before we can expect a stand in solidarity with others we have to do
solidarity with others we have to do
solidarity with others we have to do that hard work to dismantle the
that hard work to dismantle the
that hard work to dismantle the oppressive structures within ourselves
oppressive structures within ourselves
oppressive structures within ourselves we have to do that hard work to become
we have to do that hard work to become
we have to do that hard work to become worthy of friendship at all
[Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
”
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