[Music] [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] all right all right so before I begin I
all right all right so before I begin I
all right all right so before I begin I want to start by naming that some of the
want to start by naming that some of the
want to start by naming that some of the things I’m going to be talking about
things I’m going to be talking about
things I’m going to be talking about today may be triggering to some
today may be triggering to some
today may be triggering to some individuals in the space and while I in
individuals in the space and while I in
individuals in the space and while I in no way intend to upset anyone I do
no way intend to upset anyone I do
no way intend to upset anyone I do intend to guide us through some
intend to guide us through some
intend to guide us through some discomfort that’s likely to fester in
discomfort that’s likely to fester in
discomfort that’s likely to fester in this space if at any point you do feel
this space if at any point you do feel
this space if at any point you do feel triggered please take care of yourself
triggered please take care of yourself
triggered please take care of yourself in whatever way that looks like for you
in whatever way that looks like for you
in whatever way that looks like for you because self-care is the most important
because self-care is the most important
because self-care is the most important thing I’d like to start by telling you a
thing I’d like to start by telling you a
thing I’d like to start by telling you a story a few years ago I met a guy named
story a few years ago I met a guy named
story a few years ago I met a guy named Michael and it was great we met working
Michael and it was great we met working
Michael and it was great we met working for the same organization and we
for the same organization and we
for the same organization and we instantly hit it off Michael and I
instantly hit it off Michael and I
instantly hit it off Michael and I bonded over our favorite movies and
bonded over our favorite movies and
bonded over our favorite movies and Netflix shows we had some friendly
Netflix shows we had some friendly
Netflix shows we had some friendly sports banter and really just had the
sports banter and really just had the
sports banter and really just had the same sense of humor
same sense of humor
same sense of humor we formed a sort of relationship after
we formed a sort of relationship after
we formed a sort of relationship after some time I started to notice that the
some time I started to notice that the
some time I started to notice that the dynamic between Michael and I began to
dynamic between Michael and I began to
dynamic between Michael and I began to change whenever I would bring up my own
change whenever I would bring up my own
change whenever I would bring up my own ideas or opinions or thoughts about
ideas or opinions or thoughts about
ideas or opinions or thoughts about certain subjects Michael would
certain subjects Michael would
certain subjects Michael would immediately dismiss me or tell me to
immediately dismiss me or tell me to
immediately dismiss me or tell me to stop talking about whatever it was I was
stop talking about whatever it was I was
stop talking about whatever it was I was bringing up and when I told him I didn’t
bringing up and when I told him I didn’t
bringing up and when I told him I didn’t like the way that he was treating me he
like the way that he was treating me he
like the way that he was treating me he did insist that I was being
did insist that I was being
did insist that I was being oversensitive or that I was bringing
oversensitive or that I was bringing
oversensitive or that I was bringing about this treatment and it was
about this treatment and it was
about this treatment and it was completely my fault Michael would even
completely my fault Michael would even
completely my fault Michael would even call me names thinking he was being
call me names thinking he was being
call me names thinking he was being funny and when I told him that I didn’t
funny and when I told him that I didn’t
funny and when I told him that I didn’t think that those things that he was
think that those things that he was
think that those things that he was saying were very funny again he did
saying were very funny again he did
saying were very funny again he did insist that I was overreacting and that
insist that I was overreacting and that
insist that I was overreacting and that he should be able to say whatever he
he should be able to say whatever he
he should be able to say whatever he wanted because freedom of speech after a
wanted because freedom of speech after a
wanted because freedom of speech after a while I really didn’t say anything when
while I really didn’t say anything when
while I really didn’t say anything when Michael would treat me this way I just
Michael would treat me this way I just
Michael would treat me this way I just sort of sat there and took it I was
sort of sat there and took it I was
sort of sat there and took it I was scared to say anything so instead I said
scared to say anything so instead I said
scared to say anything so instead I said nothing now I want you to hold on to
nothing now I want you to hold on to
nothing now I want you to hold on to this story because we’re going to come
this story because we’re going to come
this story because we’re going to come back to it I want to talk to you now
back to it I want to talk to you now
back to it I want to talk to you now about a couple of concepts called power
about a couple of concepts called power
about a couple of concepts called power and control now power is defined by an
and control now power is defined by an
and control now power is defined by an individual’s ability to influence
individual’s ability to influence
individual’s ability to influence someone’s behaviors or different events
someone’s behaviors or different events
someone’s behaviors or different events while control is defined as an as an
while control is defined as an as an
while control is defined as an as an individual’s ability to
individual’s ability to
individual’s ability to typically determine those behaviors now
typically determine those behaviors now
typically determine those behaviors now I would argue that power and control
I would argue that power and control
I would argue that power and control shows up a lot in our modern us society
shows up a lot in our modern us society
shows up a lot in our modern us society we see it in our pop culture we see it
we see it in our pop culture we see it
we see it in our pop culture we see it in our history textbooks we see it in
in our history textbooks we see it in
in our history textbooks we see it in our favorite shows but when I think of
our favorite shows but when I think of
our favorite shows but when I think of the words power and control something
the words power and control something
the words power and control something that immediately comes to mind for me is
that immediately comes to mind for me is
that immediately comes to mind for me is the power in control wheel now really
the power in control wheel now really
the power in control wheel now really quickly by a show of hands who here has
quickly by a show of hands who here has
quickly by a show of hands who here has heard of this tool okay I see some hands
heard of this tool okay I see some hands
heard of this tool okay I see some hands so just to be safe let’s go ahead and go
so just to be safe let’s go ahead and go
so just to be safe let’s go ahead and go over it the power and control wheel is
over it the power and control wheel is
over it the power and control wheel is used by professionals to find patterns
used by professionals to find patterns
used by professionals to find patterns of abuse in real intimate and romantic
of abuse in real intimate and romantic
of abuse in real intimate and romantic relationships it comes from the Duluth
relationships it comes from the Duluth
relationships it comes from the Duluth model or the domestic abuse intervention
model or the domestic abuse intervention
model or the domestic abuse intervention project which is an organization
project which is an organization
project which is an organization designed to increase awareness about and
designed to increase awareness about and
designed to increase awareness about and reduce the amount of violence against
reduce the amount of violence against
reduce the amount of violence against women the power and control wheel
women the power and control wheel
women the power and control wheel combines physical violence sexual and
combines physical violence sexual and
combines physical violence sexual and emotional violence together to find
emotional violence together to find
emotional violence together to find those patterns that we’re seeing of
those patterns that we’re seeing of
those patterns that we’re seeing of abuse in relationships and when we look
abuse in relationships and when we look
abuse in relationships and when we look at the power and control wheel I would
at the power and control wheel I would
at the power and control wheel I would say that the things that we see are
say that the things that we see are
say that the things that we see are pretty obvious things like emotional
pretty obvious things like emotional
pretty obvious things like emotional abuse putting your partner down making
abuse putting your partner down making
abuse putting your partner down making them feel bad about themselves or making
them feel bad about themselves or making
them feel bad about themselves or making them feel guilty or minimizing denying
them feel guilty or minimizing denying
them feel guilty or minimizing denying or blaming making light of the abuse not
or blaming making light of the abuse not
or blaming making light of the abuse not taking the your partner’s concerns very
taking the your partner’s concerns very
taking the your partner’s concerns very seriously or shifting the
seriously or shifting the
seriously or shifting the responsibilities thing that they caused
responsibilities thing that they caused
responsibilities thing that they caused the abuse or even economic abuse
the abuse or even economic abuse
the abuse or even economic abuse preventing your partner from getting a
preventing your partner from getting a
preventing your partner from getting a job or keeping a job making them ask you
job or keeping a job making them ask you
job or keeping a job making them ask you for money or taking their money I’m
for money or taking their money I’m
for money or taking their money I’m willing to bet that if any of you saw
willing to bet that if any of you saw
willing to bet that if any of you saw these patterns occurring in one of your
these patterns occurring in one of your
these patterns occurring in one of your friends relationships you’d probably
friends relationships you’d probably
friends relationships you’d probably have some reason for concern and be
have some reason for concern and be
have some reason for concern and be concerned about your friend you’d
concerned about your friend you’d
concerned about your friend you’d probably talk to them about the patterns
probably talk to them about the patterns
probably talk to them about the patterns that you were seeing you might do some
that you were seeing you might do some
that you were seeing you might do some research to figure out what exactly you
research to figure out what exactly you
research to figure out what exactly you are seeing and how you can effectively
are seeing and how you can effectively
are seeing and how you can effectively intervene but most importantly you do
intervene but most importantly you do
intervene but most importantly you do something about it this is because
something about it this is because
something about it this is because generally we collectively agree that
generally we collectively agree that
generally we collectively agree that abuse can happen in intimate romantic
abuse can happen in intimate romantic
abuse can happen in intimate romantic relationships most of us don’t dispute
relationships most of us don’t dispute
relationships most of us don’t dispute it and when we see it happening we
it and when we see it happening we
it and when we see it happening we listen we engage and we act I want to go
listen we engage and we act I want to go
listen we engage and we act I want to go back to this too
back to this too
back to this too that I was telling you about earlier
that I was telling you about earlier
that I was telling you about earlier about the guy Michael that I met he was
about the guy Michael that I met he was
about the guy Michael that I met he was making me feel pretty small by a show of
making me feel pretty small by a show of
making me feel pretty small by a show of hands how many of you would say that
hands how many of you would say that
hands how many of you would say that there were some power and control
there were some power and control
there were some power and control dynamics occurring and maybe some
dynamics occurring and maybe some
dynamics occurring and maybe some instances of abuse here’s the thing
instances of abuse here’s the thing
instances of abuse here’s the thing Michael and I were not in an intimate
Michael and I were not in an intimate
Michael and I were not in an intimate romantic relationship Michael and I were
romantic relationship Michael and I were
romantic relationship Michael and I were just colleagues he identified as a white
just colleagues he identified as a white
just colleagues he identified as a white man just as I identify as a black woman
man just as I identify as a black woman
man just as I identify as a black woman and the issues experiences and feelings
and the issues experiences and feelings
and the issues experiences and feelings that I was bringing up all centered
that I was bringing up all centered
that I was bringing up all centered around race and race relations in our
around race and race relations in our
around race and race relations in our country Michaels whiteness and his
country Michaels whiteness and his
country Michaels whiteness and his inability to hear me when I was bringing
inability to hear me when I was bringing
inability to hear me when I was bringing up these concerns are really what ruined
up these concerns are really what ruined
up these concerns are really what ruined our relationship you see I met Michael
our relationship you see I met Michael
our relationship you see I met Michael around the time black lives matter
around the time black lives matter
around the time black lives matter protests were breaking out across the
protests were breaking out across the
protests were breaking out across the country and race became a subject that
country and race became a subject that
country and race became a subject that was really unavoidable we saw it on our
was really unavoidable we saw it on our
was really unavoidable we saw it on our TV we saw it on the news we saw it with
TV we saw it on the news we saw it with
TV we saw it on the news we saw it with our politicians it came up in social
our politicians it came up in social
our politicians it came up in social interactions it was in the classroom
interactions it was in the classroom
interactions it was in the classroom really it was unavoidable because of the
really it was unavoidable because of the
really it was unavoidable because of the friendship that I’d formed with Michael
friendship that I’d formed with Michael
friendship that I’d formed with Michael I believed that I could bring up these
I believed that I could bring up these
I believed that I could bring up these issues with him because as a black woman
issues with him because as a black woman
issues with him because as a black woman these were things that directly affected
these were things that directly affected
these were things that directly affected me clearly I was wrong and I very
me clearly I was wrong and I very
me clearly I was wrong and I very quickly became the object of Michael’s
quickly became the object of Michael’s
quickly became the object of Michael’s abuse in my experience I need a lot of
abuse in my experience I need a lot of
abuse in my experience I need a lot of really well-intentioned white people who
really well-intentioned white people who
really well-intentioned white people who care about racial equality and care
care about racial equality and care
care about racial equality and care about social justice but when they try
about social justice but when they try
about social justice but when they try to engage in conversations about race
to engage in conversations about race
to engage in conversations about race they either don’t know how to do it
they either don’t know how to do it
they either don’t know how to do it effectively or when they do they operate
effectively or when they do they operate
effectively or when they do they operate as more of an abuser than as an ally so
as more of an abuser than as an ally so
as more of an abuser than as an ally so I suggest that we do two things number
I suggest that we do two things number
I suggest that we do two things number one I think we need to redefine what we
one I think we need to redefine what we
one I think we need to redefine what we include an interpersonal violence to
include an interpersonal violence to
include an interpersonal violence to include platonic relationships that
include platonic relationships that
include platonic relationships that occur across racial differences and to
occur across racial differences and to
occur across racial differences and to white people I think you need to be a
white people I think you need to be a
white people I think you need to be a little bit more thoughtful and how you
little bit more thoughtful and how you
little bit more thoughtful and how you engage with black people and really
engage with black people and really
engage with black people and really people of color in general when we’re
people of color in general when we’re
people of color in general when we’re having conversations about race and
having conversations about race and
having conversations about race and oppression
oppression
oppression [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] because let’s take a look the power and
because let’s take a look the power and
because let’s take a look the power and control wheel uses these specific things
control wheel uses these specific things
control wheel uses these specific things to define using intimidation tactics and
to define using intimidation tactics and
to define using intimidation tactics and intimate romantic partnerships but
intimate romantic partnerships but
intimate romantic partnerships but aren’t these things that white people do
aren’t these things that white people do
aren’t these things that white people do everyday things like following black
everyday things like following black
everyday things like following black people in a store or crossing the street
people in a store or crossing the street
people in a store or crossing the street when you see black people up ahead or
when you see black people up ahead or
when you see black people up ahead or the violence that is police brutality or
the violence that is police brutality or
the violence that is police brutality or even using blatant racial slurs saying
even using blatant racial slurs saying
even using blatant racial slurs saying things like freedom of speech and I wave
things like freedom of speech and I wave
things like freedom of speech and I wave the Confederate flag because heritage
the Confederate flag because heritage
the Confederate flag because heritage not hate or even this for minimizing
not hate or even this for minimizing
not hate or even this for minimizing denying and blaming saying things like I
denying and blaming saying things like I
denying and blaming saying things like I don’t think that’s actually what
don’t think that’s actually what
don’t think that’s actually what happened or are you playing the race
happened or are you playing the race
happened or are you playing the race card again if they would have just
card again if they would have just
card again if they would have just cooperated with the police they wouldn’t
cooperated with the police they wouldn’t
cooperated with the police they wouldn’t be dead or even no all lives matter or
be dead or even no all lives matter or
be dead or even no all lives matter or what about this for using isolation
what about this for using isolation
what about this for using isolation whitewashing American and global history
whitewashing American and global history
whitewashing American and global history so that black people are not even a part
so that black people are not even a part
so that black people are not even a part of the picture mandating requirements
of the picture mandating requirements
of the picture mandating requirements for Social Security and welfare
for Social Security and welfare
for Social Security and welfare assistance controlling the images that
assistance controlling the images that
assistance controlling the images that we see of black people in our media
we see of black people in our media
we see of black people in our media which are typically pretty negative and
which are typically pretty negative and
which are typically pretty negative and gentrification pushing black people out
gentrification pushing black people out
gentrification pushing black people out of their own communities and then
of their own communities and then
of their own communities and then deeming these smaller less wealthy
deeming these smaller less wealthy
deeming these smaller less wealthy communities as unfit or unsafe white
communities as unfit or unsafe white
communities as unfit or unsafe white people I’m going to make a demand of you
people I’m going to make a demand of you
people I’m going to make a demand of you right now stop hurting me because I want
right now stop hurting me because I want
right now stop hurting me because I want us to work together but I can’t when you
us to work together but I can’t when you
us to work together but I can’t when you are acting as an abuser when you dictate
are acting as an abuser when you dictate
are acting as an abuser when you dictate and control our conversation and
and control our conversation and
and control our conversation and relationship dynamics when you tone
relationship dynamics when you tone
relationship dynamics when you tone police me and say I don’t like the way
police me and say I don’t like the way
police me and say I don’t like the way that you said this or I don’t like the
that you said this or I don’t like the
that you said this or I don’t like the way you talked about this privilege or
way you talked about this privilege or
way you talked about this privilege or why are you always so angry
[Applause]
[Applause] when you minimize my experiences saying
when you minimize my experiences saying
when you minimize my experiences saying okay well not all white people or my
okay well not all white people or my
okay well not all white people or my favorite when you tell me how I’m
favorite when you tell me how I’m
favorite when you tell me how I’m allowed to respond to the oppression
allowed to respond to the oppression
allowed to respond to the oppression that I’m feeling asking me that infamous
that I’m feeling asking me that infamous
that I’m feeling asking me that infamous question well what would Martin Luther
question well what would Martin Luther
question well what would Martin Luther King jr. do when you do all of these
King jr. do when you do all of these
King jr. do when you do all of these things white people you are using your
things white people you are using your
things white people you are using your power to control me I believe that as
power to control me I believe that as
power to control me I believe that as human beings we need to engage in
human beings we need to engage in
human beings we need to engage in relationship especially when it comes to
relationship especially when it comes to
relationship especially when it comes to combating racial oppression relationship
combating racial oppression relationship
combating racial oppression relationship is fine and well and we need to think
is fine and well and we need to think
is fine and well and we need to think about the way that we collaborate and be
about the way that we collaborate and be
about the way that we collaborate and be intentional news relationships so that
intentional news relationships so that
intentional news relationships so that we can combat racism but here’s the
we can combat racism but here’s the
we can combat racism but here’s the thing white people black people are done
thing white people black people are done
thing white people black people are done with your oppression and we are not your
with your oppression and we are not your
with your oppression and we are not your victims again relationship sounds great
victims again relationship sounds great
victims again relationship sounds great but hear me when I say we will continue
but hear me when I say we will continue
but hear me when I say we will continue on with or without you
on with or without you
on with or without you and when you dictate and control our
and when you dictate and control our
and when you dictate and control our relationship dynamics and overpowered
relationship dynamics and overpowered
relationship dynamics and overpowered people and say that the feelings that
people and say that the feelings that
people and say that the feelings that I’m having are illegitimate or not real
I’m having are illegitimate or not real
I’m having are illegitimate or not real or assert your story over mine white
or assert your story over mine white
or assert your story over mine white people you’re not listening
people you’re not listening
people you’re not listening when you say things you say these things
when you say things you say these things
when you say things you say these things to me when you assert that all lies
to me when you assert that all lies
to me when you assert that all lies matter over black lives matter white
matter over black lives matter white
matter over black lives matter white people you are potentially being the
people you are potentially being the
people you are potentially being the abuser in this relationship I’d like now
abuser in this relationship I’d like now
abuser in this relationship I’d like now to tell you a story about what could
to tell you a story about what could
to tell you a story about what could have been a few years ago I met a guy
have been a few years ago I met a guy
have been a few years ago I met a guy named Michael and he and I instantly hit
named Michael and he and I instantly hit
named Michael and he and I instantly hit it off we bonded over our favorite TV
it off we bonded over our favorite TV
it off we bonded over our favorite TV shows and movies we had some friendly
shows and movies we had some friendly
shows and movies we had some friendly sports banter and really had the same
sports banter and really had the same
sports banter and really had the same sense of humor it was great
sense of humor it was great
sense of humor it was great following the incessant murder of
following the incessant murder of
following the incessant murder of unarmed black people by white police
unarmed black people by white police
unarmed black people by white police officers in their communities in their
officers in their communities in their
officers in their communities in their homes near their schools in their cars
homes near their schools in their cars
homes near their schools in their cars in front of their families black lives
in front of their families black lives
in front of their families black lives matter protests began to break out
matter protests began to break out
matter protests began to break out across the country I remember feeling a
across the country I remember feeling a
across the country I remember feeling a lot of pain and confusion not really
lot of pain and confusion not really
lot of pain and confusion not really understanding what was going on
understanding what was going on
understanding what was going on I love hearing a lot of her about what I
I love hearing a lot of her about what I
I love hearing a lot of her about what I was seeing I wanted to talk to Michael
was seeing I wanted to talk to Michael
was seeing I wanted to talk to Michael about this because we’d formed a
about this because we’d formed a
about this because we’d formed a friendship and Michael listened he never
friendship and Michael listened he never
friendship and Michael listened he never invalidated the things that I was saying
invalidated the things that I was saying
invalidated the things that I was saying or my experiences never told me my
or my experiences never told me my
or my experiences never told me my feelings weren’t real he even did his
feelings weren’t real he even did his
feelings weren’t real he even did his own work to figure out what had happened
own work to figure out what had happened
own work to figure out what had happened historically and how was this affecting
historically and how was this affecting
historically and how was this affecting what was happening today so that he
what was happening today so that he
what was happening today so that he could be a part of a solution Michael
could be a part of a solution Michael
could be a part of a solution Michael and I were able to engage in healthy
and I were able to engage in healthy
and I were able to engage in healthy race-based conversation which allowed us
race-based conversation which allowed us
race-based conversation which allowed us to combat racial oppression together why
to combat racial oppression together why
to combat racial oppression together why people one day I hope to have this
people one day I hope to have this
people one day I hope to have this conversation with you thank you
conversation with you thank you
conversation with you thank you [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
”
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