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Dropping the “F” word: How to experience the freedom of choice | Amel Murphy | TEDxDeiraWomen


I lived in Dubai for the last four years

I lived in Dubai for the last four years one of the most fascinating things that

one of the most fascinating things that

one of the most fascinating things that I’ve seen here and not in any of the

I’ve seen here and not in any of the

I’ve seen here and not in any of the places I lived in before is the

places I lived in before is the

places I lived in before is the frequency level at which roads keep

frequency level at which roads keep

frequency level at which roads keep changing so show hands how many of you

changing so show hands how many of you

changing so show hands how many of you thought you were taking the usual road

thought you were taking the usual road

thought you were taking the usual road to only find yourself at the dead end or

to only find yourself at the dead end or

to only find yourself at the dead end or to cross road know it which direction

to cross road know it which direction

to cross road know it which direction will take you through destination yeah I

will take you through destination yeah I

will take you through destination yeah I would like to see that I’m not the only

would like to see that I’m not the only

would like to see that I’m not the only one here however I am not here to speak

one here however I am not here to speak

one here however I am not here to speak about the work of the road and Transport

about the work of the road and Transport

about the work of the road and Transport Authority the kind of cross road I’m

Authority the kind of cross road I’m

Authority the kind of cross road I’m referring to is the one that we keep

referring to is the one that we keep

referring to is the one that we keep facing as we cruise through our life

facing as we cruise through our life

facing as we cruise through our life journey I’m sure that most of you if not

journey I’m sure that most of you if not

journey I’m sure that most of you if not all have at least once once in your life

all have at least once once in your life

all have at least once once in your life found yourself at that life junction

found yourself at that life junction

found yourself at that life junction where you had to make a decision or a

where you had to make a decision or a

where you had to make a decision or a choice about the next direction so my

choice about the next direction so my

choice about the next direction so my question to you is how did you go about

question to you is how did you go about

question to you is how did you go about making that choice I want you to take

making that choice I want you to take

making that choice I want you to take five seconds five seconds think of a

five seconds five seconds think of a

five seconds five seconds think of a recent decision you made and ask

recent decision you made and ask

recent decision you made and ask yourself how did you make it well let me

yourself how did you make it well let me

yourself how did you make it well let me take you through my journey of decision

take you through my journey of decision

take you through my journey of decision making I’m one of five sisters yes

making I’m one of five sisters yes

making I’m one of five sisters yes five girls no boys and my dad is a happy

five girls no boys and my dad is a happy

five girls no boys and my dad is a happy man yeah that’s what he says growing up

man yeah that’s what he says growing up

man yeah that’s what he says growing up people used to say that I’m smart and

people used to say that I’m smart and

people used to say that I’m smart and dependent strong headed girl that would

dependent strong headed girl that would

dependent strong headed girl that would be going places I lived my life trying

be going places I lived my life trying

be going places I lived my life trying to live up to that image the image that

to live up to that image the image that

to live up to that image the image that society family and friends had of me I

society family and friends had of me I

society family and friends had of me I went to university to please my parents

went to university to please my parents

went to university to please my parents I started my career working on rich

I started my career working on rich

I started my career working on rich sites just to prove that girls and women

sites just to prove that girls and women

sites just to prove that girls and women can do it can work on websites not an

can do it can work on websites not an

can do it can work on websites not an issue

issue

issue I’m saving jobs longer than I need to or

I’m saving jobs longer than I need to or

I’m saving jobs longer than I need to or had to only to prove to people or not to

had to only to prove to people or not to

had to only to prove to people or not to be

be

be actually a failure and I buried myself

actually a failure and I buried myself

actually a failure and I buried myself at work and continues travel only to

at work and continues travel only to

at work and continues travel only to avoid the question and mal when are you

avoid the question and mal when are you

avoid the question and mal when are you planning to have kids and the list goes

planning to have kids and the list goes

planning to have kids and the list goes on and on and on and on this kind of

on and on and on and on this kind of

on and on and on and on this kind of behavior continue to guide my life

behavior continue to guide my life

behavior continue to guide my life choices until when at the top of my game

choices until when at the top of my game

choices until when at the top of my game with an extremely successful career a

with an extremely successful career a

with an extremely successful career a loving caring husband and family a

loving caring husband and family a

loving caring husband and family a growing business the ball dropped I hit

growing business the ball dropped I hit

growing business the ball dropped I hit the wall I found myself at dead-end

the wall I found myself at dead-end

the wall I found myself at dead-end we need no clear direction not even a

we need no clear direction not even a

we need no clear direction not even a hint for the next move for the first

hint for the next move for the first

hint for the next move for the first time for the first time in my life I

time for the first time in my life I

time for the first time in my life I experienced an inexplicable helplessness

experienced an inexplicable helplessness

experienced an inexplicable helplessness I was no longer in control of my life

for weeks and months I sell myself

for weeks and months I sell myself crying crying no stop and I didn’t know

crying crying no stop and I didn’t know

crying crying no stop and I didn’t know why I was crying for all I knew is I

why I was crying for all I knew is I

why I was crying for all I knew is I couldn’t stop myself from crying I so

couldn’t stop myself from crying I so

couldn’t stop myself from crying I so the doubt actually settling in into my

the doubt actually settling in into my

the doubt actually settling in into my life decision that used to take me

life decision that used to take me

life decision that used to take me seconds to make in the office we’re now

seconds to make in the office we’re now

seconds to make in the office we’re now taking me days weeks and if only if only

taking me days weeks and if only if only

taking me days weeks and if only if only I was to pull the plug I so my voice my

I was to pull the plug I so my voice my

I was to pull the plug I so my voice my strong very assertive voice disappearing

strong very assertive voice disappearing

strong very assertive voice disappearing on me

my self confidence my self-esteem

my self confidence my self-esteem dropped and I didn’t know what was wrong

dropped and I didn’t know what was wrong

dropped and I didn’t know what was wrong with me I know I was scared I was

with me I know I was scared I was

with me I know I was scared I was actually scared terrified to share it a

actually scared terrified to share it a

actually scared terrified to share it a couple of months later I was diagnosed I

couple of months later I was diagnosed I

couple of months later I was diagnosed I was diagnosed with clinical depression

was diagnosed with clinical depression

was diagnosed with clinical depression yes

yes

yes clinical depression or what people

clinical depression or what people

clinical depression or what people around me prefer to call a burnout and

around me prefer to call a burnout and

around me prefer to call a burnout and oh boy what a relief to hear that at

oh boy what a relief to hear that at

oh boy what a relief to hear that at least now I knew what was wrong with me

least now I knew what was wrong with me

least now I knew what was wrong with me I knew why I was crying I knew what was

I knew why I was crying I knew what was

I knew why I was crying I knew what was happening to me and I could do something

happening to me and I could do something

happening to me and I could do something about it that’s what I thought my

about it that’s what I thought my

about it that’s what I thought my husband my parents and my sisters told

husband my parents and my sisters told

husband my parents and my sisters told me it’s a matter of a couple of weeks

me it’s a matter of a couple of weeks

me it’s a matter of a couple of weeks her mouth and he would snap out of it no

her mouth and he would snap out of it no

her mouth and he would snap out of it no in your mouth you would be no problem

in your mouth you would be no problem

in your mouth you would be no problem just take the tablet and you’ll be fine

just take the tablet and you’ll be fine

just take the tablet and you’ll be fine and I thought yes I would be fine couple

and I thought yes I would be fine couple

and I thought yes I would be fine couple of weeks I wish a couple of months it

of weeks I wish a couple of months it

of weeks I wish a couple of months it would have been great

would have been great

would have been great try two years two full years of hell two

try two years two full years of hell two

try two years two full years of hell two years were a simple task such as getting

years were a simple task such as getting

years were a simple task such as getting out of bed and getting ready for a 9:00

out of bed and getting ready for a 9:00

out of bed and getting ready for a 9:00 o’clock meeting was a chore

o’clock meeting was a chore

o’clock meeting was a chore things that used to bring me pleasure

things that used to bring me pleasure

things that used to bring me pleasure and joy such as listening to music

and joy such as listening to music

and joy such as listening to music meeting friends socializing going to

meeting friends socializing going to

meeting friends socializing going to theater dancing were an absolute

theater dancing were an absolute

theater dancing were an absolute nuisance I was scared I was terrified

nuisance I was scared I was terrified

nuisance I was scared I was terrified mortified and I kept asking myself where

mortified and I kept asking myself where

mortified and I kept asking myself where did I go wrong why did this happen to me

did I go wrong why did this happen to me

did I go wrong why did this happen to me why me and why now

why me and why now

why me and why now in particular I was so angry I was angry

in particular I was so angry I was angry

in particular I was so angry I was angry at myself for not being able to fix

at myself for not being able to fix

at myself for not being able to fix myself I was angry at my husband because

myself I was angry at my husband because

myself I was angry at my husband because he couldn’t help me heal I was angry at

he couldn’t help me heal I was angry at

he couldn’t help me heal I was angry at my parents because they didn’t prepare

my parents because they didn’t prepare

my parents because they didn’t prepare me for this Junction I was angry I

me for this Junction I was angry I

me for this Junction I was angry I at the world producing me to the person

at the world producing me to the person

at the world producing me to the person I became

all I wanted at that time is to feel

all I wanted at that time is to feel alive that’s all I wanted is to feel joy

alive that’s all I wanted is to feel joy

alive that’s all I wanted is to feel joy to feel happy again and when I thought

to feel happy again and when I thought

to feel happy again and when I thought about it I got even more scared scared

about it I got even more scared scared

about it I got even more scared scared to know not know how to be happy again I

to know not know how to be happy again I

to know not know how to be happy again I was so ashamed to tell people what was

was so ashamed to tell people what was

was so ashamed to tell people what was wrong with me and what was going on with

wrong with me and what was going on with

wrong with me and what was going on with me

me

me that I buried myself and I stayed

that I buried myself and I stayed

that I buried myself and I stayed prisoner of my house for months for the

prisoner of my house for months for the

prisoner of my house for months for the first time in my life I understood the

first time in my life I understood the

first time in my life I understood the true meaning of the f-word fear fear

true meaning of the f-word fear fear

true meaning of the f-word fear fear with a big capital F I realized that all

with a big capital F I realized that all

with a big capital F I realized that all choices that I made until then were

choices that I made until then were

choices that I made until then were driven by fear fear to lose face free to

driven by fear fear to lose face free to

driven by fear fear to lose face free to disappoint loved ones fear not to be

disappoint loved ones fear not to be

disappoint loved ones fear not to be there and most importantly it was the

there and most importantly it was the

there and most importantly it was the fear to not live up to the labels and

fear to not live up to the labels and

fear to not live up to the labels and the persona I created for myself and I’m

the persona I created for myself and I’m

the persona I created for myself and I’m sure that we all have labels to live up

sure that we all have labels to live up

sure that we all have labels to live up to let me tell you a little bit about

to let me tell you a little bit about

to let me tell you a little bit about the labels I had of myself strong and

the labels I had of myself strong and

the labels I had of myself strong and dependent tomboy

dependent tomboy

dependent tomboy those were my labels growing up as a kid

those were my labels growing up as a kid

those were my labels growing up as a kid and they were the ones I built my entire

and they were the ones I built my entire

and they were the ones I built my entire adulthood around strong sin animus of no

adulthood around strong sin animus of no

adulthood around strong sin animus of no space for emotions now time to be

space for emotions now time to be

space for emotions now time to be vulnerable ruthless and dependent I can

vulnerable ruthless and dependent I can

vulnerable ruthless and dependent I can take care of myself I don’t need anybody

take care of myself I don’t need anybody

take care of myself I don’t need anybody I’m invincible tomboy oh boy

I’m invincible tomboy oh boy

I’m invincible tomboy oh boy don’t go there I can’t be feminine no

don’t go there I can’t be feminine no

don’t go there I can’t be feminine no dresses in my wardrobe so now high heel

dresses in my wardrobe so now high heel

dresses in my wardrobe so now high heel no makeup nothing absolutely nothing

no makeup nothing absolutely nothing

no makeup nothing absolutely nothing that will make me look or feel or even

that will make me look or feel or even

that will make me look or feel or even identify with the weaker sex how sad is

identify with the weaker sex how sad is

identify with the weaker sex how sad is that I allowed fewer adjectives to

that I allowed fewer adjectives to

that I allowed fewer adjectives to define my entire entire existence

all I could tell you about that time of

all I could tell you about that time of my life it was that it was the most

my life it was that it was the most

my life it was that it was the most terrifying time of my life but also the

terrifying time of my life but also the

terrifying time of my life but also the most liberating time of my life for the

most liberating time of my life for the

most liberating time of my life for the first time I did not need to manage

first time I did not need to manage

first time I did not need to manage others people expectation or feelings I

others people expectation or feelings I

others people expectation or feelings I didn’t need to do anything that I didn’t

didn’t need to do anything that I didn’t

didn’t need to do anything that I didn’t want to do going through depression was

want to do going through depression was

want to do going through depression was actually a blessing rather than a curse

actually a blessing rather than a curse

actually a blessing rather than a curse it was a false pose but that force pause

it was a false pose but that force pause

it was a false pose but that force pause allowed me to reflect and review my life

allowed me to reflect and review my life

allowed me to reflect and review my life it was a rebirth to me it was an

it was a rebirth to me it was an

it was a rebirth to me it was an awakening of how I wanted to live my

awakening of how I wanted to live my

awakening of how I wanted to live my life moving forward what those two years

life moving forward what those two years

life moving forward what those two years taught me it was the value and the power

taught me it was the value and the power

taught me it was the value and the power of vulnerability for healing the ability

of vulnerability for healing the ability

of vulnerability for healing the ability to fall and knowing that somebody would

to fall and knowing that somebody would

to fall and knowing that somebody would be there for you it’s a blessing letting

be there for you it’s a blessing letting

be there for you it’s a blessing letting go it’s a blessing I know I learned the

go it’s a blessing I know I learned the

go it’s a blessing I know I learned the importance of living life honoring my

importance of living life honoring my

importance of living life honoring my values and the gift that comes from them

values and the gift that comes from them

values and the gift that comes from them rather than trying to live up to labels

rather than trying to live up to labels

rather than trying to live up to labels I also understood the true meaning of

I also understood the true meaning of

I also understood the true meaning of owning my feelings and my emotion and

owning my feelings and my emotion and

owning my feelings and my emotion and why they shouldn’t be affected and

why they shouldn’t be affected and

why they shouldn’t be affected and dictated by what people think of me now

dictated by what people think of me now

dictated by what people think of me now I am in charge of my life and I’m

I am in charge of my life and I’m

I am in charge of my life and I’m thriving not surviving I rely on my

thriving not surviving I rely on my

thriving not surviving I rely on my intuition to guide me I rest when I need

intuition to guide me I rest when I need

intuition to guide me I rest when I need to rest I go into introspection when I

to rest I go into introspection when I

to rest I go into introspection when I feel like it I connect and grow as I

feel like it I connect and grow as I

feel like it I connect and grow as I feel and I take time to celebrate my

feel and I take time to celebrate my

feel and I take time to celebrate my life and its successes and one of the

life and its successes and one of the

life and its successes and one of the key lessons I learned through that

key lessons I learned through that

key lessons I learned through that process is that we are all at a choice

process is that we are all at a choice

process is that we are all at a choice yes we all had a choice however it takes

yes we all had a choice however it takes

yes we all had a choice however it takes courage to act on it and when it comes

courage to act on it and when it comes

courage to act on it and when it comes to making choices all I needed to do is

to making choices all I needed to do is

to making choices all I needed to do is shift the source from fear to courage

shift the source from fear to courage

shift the source from fear to courage and let me tell you a little bit more

and let me tell you a little bit more

and let me tell you a little bit more about what I mean by the word courage

about what I mean by the word courage

about what I mean by the word courage here when we hear the word courage words

here when we hear the word courage words

here when we hear the word courage words such as bravery warrior dare and force

such as bravery warrior dare and force

such as bravery warrior dare and force comes to mind however if you were to

comes to mind however if you were to

comes to mind however if you were to look at the word courage in a dictionary

look at the word courage in a dictionary

look at the word courage in a dictionary you will get that courage actually comes

you will get that courage actually comes

you will get that courage actually comes from the latin word car which means

from the latin word car which means

from the latin word car which means heart

heart

heart place the feeling and care so courage is

place the feeling and care so courage is

place the feeling and care so courage is about taking care of yourself

about taking care of yourself

about taking care of yourself when making choices from courage you

when making choices from courage you

when making choices from courage you need to listen you need to listen to

need to listen you need to listen to

need to listen you need to listen to your pains and joys and practice

your pains and joys and practice

your pains and joys and practice compassion acceptance and openness with

compassion acceptance and openness with

compassion acceptance and openness with self so next time that you find yourself

self so next time that you find yourself

self so next time that you find yourself in that cruise control mode and you hit

in that cruise control mode and you hit

in that cruise control mode and you hit that junction of your life and you need

that junction of your life and you need

that junction of your life and you need to make a choice or a decision I will

to make a choice or a decision I will

to make a choice or a decision I will invite you to take an intended pause I

invite you to take an intended pause I

invite you to take an intended pause I mean it an intended post don’t wait

mean it an intended post don’t wait

mean it an intended post don’t wait until when you get a burnout or

until when you get a burnout or

until when you get a burnout or depression or a crisis before you do it

depression or a crisis before you do it

depression or a crisis before you do it and ask yourself what would you do if

and ask yourself what would you do if

and ask yourself what would you do if you were to drop the fear thank you

you were to drop the fear thank you

you were to drop the fear thank you [Applause]

”

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