hi everyone my name is Rhiannon macahan yak and i’m a 24 year old trans woman
yak and i’m a 24 year old trans woman
yak and i’m a 24 year old trans woman i’m from ontario toronto and i grew up
i’m from ontario toronto and i grew up
i’m from ontario toronto and i grew up and lived there until I was ten and then
and lived there until I was ten and then
and lived there until I was ten and then i moved to Moncton New Brunswick and
i moved to Moncton New Brunswick and
i moved to Moncton New Brunswick and lived there for eight years and I’ve
lived there for eight years and I’ve
lived there for eight years and I’ve been in Halifax for seven years now I’m
been in Halifax for seven years now I’m
been in Halifax for seven years now I’m a student here at Dow I got a degree in
a student here at Dow I got a degree in
a student here at Dow I got a degree in psychology and Gender Studies from here
psychology and Gender Studies from here
psychology and Gender Studies from here and now I’m in the last semester of my
and now I’m in the last semester of my
and now I’m in the last semester of my bachelor of social work I’m involved
bachelor of social work I’m involved
bachelor of social work I’m involved with many different groups on campus
with many different groups on campus
with many different groups on campus like the LGBTQ society and the sexual
like the LGBTQ society and the sexual
like the LGBTQ society and the sexual and gender Resource Center and I work
and gender Resource Center and I work
and gender Resource Center and I work just downstairs the info desk I’m here
just downstairs the info desk I’m here
just downstairs the info desk I’m here to talk to you today about my gender
to talk to you today about my gender
to talk to you today about my gender journey over the past four or so years
journey over the past four or so years
journey over the past four or so years I’ve identified as three different
I’ve identified as three different
I’ve identified as three different genders and used three different names
genders and used three different names
genders and used three different names and use three sets of pronouns when I
and use three sets of pronouns when I
and use three sets of pronouns when I was about 16 or 17 or 18 depending on
was about 16 or 17 or 18 depending on
was about 16 or 17 or 18 depending on who you ask I came out as a queer man
who you ask I came out as a queer man
who you ask I came out as a queer man and for a long time that identity felt
and for a long time that identity felt
and for a long time that identity felt right I found a sense of community in
right I found a sense of community in
right I found a sense of community in the gay community and in gay people and
the gay community and in gay people and
the gay community and in gay people and it just felt like a part of myself that
it just felt like a part of myself that
it just felt like a part of myself that you know was there all along but I’d
you know was there all along but I’d
you know was there all along but I’d finally come into and accepted but over
finally come into and accepted but over
finally come into and accepted but over time there was some messiness with that
time there was some messiness with that
time there was some messiness with that identity and it didn’t quite fit you
identity and it didn’t quite fit you
identity and it didn’t quite fit you know I started to realize that not every
know I started to realize that not every
know I started to realize that not every gay man wanted to be called girl or she
gay man wanted to be called girl or she
gay man wanted to be called girl or she and then not every gay men wanted to do
and then not every gay men wanted to do
and then not every gay men wanted to do drag and those who did often didn’t do
drag and those who did often didn’t do
drag and those who did often didn’t do it because it just made them feel like
it because it just made them feel like
it because it just made them feel like themselves and pretty and I started to
themselves and pretty and I started to
themselves and pretty and I started to do things like painting my toenails into
do things like painting my toenails into
do things like painting my toenails into cute watermelons and leopard prints and
cute watermelons and leopard prints and
cute watermelons and leopard prints and for me I considered that very masculine
for me I considered that very masculine
for me I considered that very masculine and manly and don’t get me wrong for
and manly and don’t get me wrong for
and manly and don’t get me wrong for some people painting their nails is
some people painting their nails is
some people painting their nails is manly and I’m totally a proponent of
manly and I’m totally a proponent of
manly and I’m totally a proponent of gender being limitless but for me it
gender being limitless but for me it
gender being limitless but for me it wasn’t about three years ago I started
wasn’t about three years ago I started
wasn’t about three years ago I started to think a lot more actively about my
to think a lot more actively about my
to think a lot more actively about my gender I don’t know about you but I’ve
gender I don’t know about you but I’ve
gender I don’t know about you but I’ve spent hours and hours and days and weeks
spent hours and hours and days and weeks
spent hours and hours and days and weeks just thinking about who I am how I fit
just thinking about who I am how I fit
just thinking about who I am how I fit into this world and who I want to be
into this world and who I want to be
into this world and who I want to be and through this time I started to think
and through this time I started to think
and through this time I started to think maybe I’m a gender maybe I don’t have a
maybe I’m a gender maybe I don’t have a
maybe I’m a gender maybe I don’t have a gender and then I thought about it a
gender and then I thought about it a
gender and then I thought about it a little more and I realized you know I
little more and I realized you know I
little more and I realized you know I probably have a little bit too much
probably have a little bit too much
probably have a little bit too much gender than I know what to do with and I
gender than I know what to do with and I
gender than I know what to do with and I started identifying as non-binary and
started identifying as non-binary and
started identifying as non-binary and that fit me for a long time about two to
that fit me for a long time about two to
that fit me for a long time about two to three years it gave me the comfort to
three years it gave me the comfort to
three years it gave me the comfort to walk down the street with a beard and a
walk down the street with a beard and a
walk down the street with a beard and a dress and be okay with being myself i
dress and be okay with being myself i
dress and be okay with being myself i shortened my name and I used they/them
shortened my name and I used they/them
shortened my name and I used they/them pronouns and it was really good for a
pronouns and it was really good for a
pronouns and it was really good for a long time but then again I found some
long time but then again I found some
long time but then again I found some messiness you know people perceived me
messiness you know people perceived me
messiness you know people perceived me still as my former self and just a gay
still as my former self and just a gay
still as my former self and just a gay male and no matter what i did i would
male and no matter what i did i would
male and no matter what i did i would still be trapped within that so over the
still be trapped within that so over the
still be trapped within that so over the last year or so I thought about it some
last year or so I thought about it some
last year or so I thought about it some more and spend some time with myself and
more and spend some time with myself and
more and spend some time with myself and over the last two to six months again
over the last two to six months again
over the last two to six months again depending on who you ask I started to
depending on who you ask I started to
depending on who you ask I started to live as a woman now I could sit up here
live as a woman now I could sit up here
live as a woman now I could sit up here and tell you what it’s like to
and tell you what it’s like to
and tell you what it’s like to transition in medical terms or what it’s
transition in medical terms or what it’s
transition in medical terms or what it’s like to socially transition or change
like to socially transition or change
like to socially transition or change your gender marker name on your IDs but
your gender marker name on your IDs but
your gender marker name on your IDs but I won’t do that you know all too often
I won’t do that you know all too often
I won’t do that you know all too often trans people are expected to put our
trans people are expected to put our
trans people are expected to put our lives our bodies and ourselves on
lives our bodies and ourselves on
lives our bodies and ourselves on display for people to examine and for
display for people to examine and for
display for people to examine and for people to consume a couple years ago a
people to consume a couple years ago a
people to consume a couple years ago a great black trans woman Laverne Cox
great black trans woman Laverne Cox
great black trans woman Laverne Cox Sophie an orange is the new black I had
Sophie an orange is the new black I had
Sophie an orange is the new black I had an interview with Katie Couric and
an interview with Katie Couric and
an interview with Katie Couric and within that Katie Couric asked her about
within that Katie Couric asked her about
within that Katie Couric asked her about her body and surgeries that she’s had
her body and surgeries that she’s had
her body and surgeries that she’s had and Laverne graciously and amazingly
and Laverne graciously and amazingly
and Laverne graciously and amazingly responded that’s not your business if
responded that’s not your business if
responded that’s not your business if you want to talk about it off camera
you want to talk about it off camera
you want to talk about it off camera that’s ok with me but trans people are
that’s ok with me but trans people are
that’s ok with me but trans people are so much more than just public
so much more than just public
so much more than just public consumption and I really believe that
consumption and I really believe that
consumption and I really believe that and how this works why trans people feel
and how this works why trans people feel
and how this works why trans people feel that they’re expected to be this is
that they’re expected to be this is
that they’re expected to be this is because of the transphobia and sis
because of the transphobia and sis
because of the transphobia and sis sexism that exists within society it’s
sexism that exists within society it’s
sexism that exists within society it’s fixed notions of gender that tell us
fixed notions of gender that tell us
fixed notions of gender that tell us that our bodies aren’t good enough that
that our bodies aren’t good enough that
that our bodies aren’t good enough that we’re not good enough we’re not valued
we’re not good enough we’re not valued
we’re not good enough we’re not valued and we’re not desired you know
and we’re not desired you know
and we’re not desired you know transphobia
transphobia
transphobia sexism both work in terrible ways often
sexism both work in terrible ways often
sexism both work in terrible ways often through something called dysphoria
through something called dysphoria
through something called dysphoria dysphoria is kind of like a messy
dysphoria is kind of like a messy
dysphoria is kind of like a messy concept but it’s when our internal
concept but it’s when our internal
concept but it’s when our internal feelings of ourselves don’t match the
feelings of ourselves don’t match the
feelings of ourselves don’t match the perceptions of ourselves or our bodies
perceptions of ourselves or our bodies
perceptions of ourselves or our bodies or other people’s perceptions of
or other people’s perceptions of
or other people’s perceptions of ourselves or our bodies in this way that
ourselves or our bodies in this way that
ourselves or our bodies in this way that makes us feel pain or grief or anger or
makes us feel pain or grief or anger or
makes us feel pain or grief or anger or sadness or shame or just discomfort with
sadness or shame or just discomfort with
sadness or shame or just discomfort with who we are and ourselves you know
who we are and ourselves you know
who we are and ourselves you know dysphoria can ruin your whole day
dysphoria can ruin your whole day
dysphoria can ruin your whole day sometimes I’ll be having a great day and
sometimes I’ll be having a great day and
sometimes I’ll be having a great day and I’ll be at work and I’ll be having a
I’ll be at work and I’ll be having a
I’ll be at work and I’ll be having a great conversation with somebody on the
great conversation with somebody on the
great conversation with somebody on the phone and somewhere in the conversation
phone and somewhere in the conversation
phone and somewhere in the conversation they gender me thank you sir what’s your
they gender me thank you sir what’s your
they gender me thank you sir what’s your name man and it just hits me and it
name man and it just hits me and it
name man and it just hits me and it happens in my day-to-day life too with
happens in my day-to-day life too with
happens in my day-to-day life too with friends or with loved ones who slip up
friends or with loved ones who slip up
friends or with loved ones who slip up and use my old name or my old pronouns
and use my old name or my old pronouns
and use my old name or my old pronouns and I just sit there and think to myself
and I just sit there and think to myself
and I just sit there and think to myself is my makeup not good enough can they
is my makeup not good enough can they
is my makeup not good enough can they see my stubble is there ingrown hairs on
see my stubble is there ingrown hairs on
see my stubble is there ingrown hairs on my chest what about my body let him know
my chest what about my body let him know
my chest what about my body let him know that I’m a trans woman and dysphoria
that I’m a trans woman and dysphoria
that I’m a trans woman and dysphoria often goes along with this concept
often goes along with this concept
often goes along with this concept called passing passing is something that
called passing passing is something that
called passing passing is something that a lot of trans people feel that we need
a lot of trans people feel that we need
a lot of trans people feel that we need to blend in or look cisgender in order
to blend in or look cisgender in order
to blend in or look cisgender in order to be accepted in society cisgender
to be accepted in society cisgender
to be accepted in society cisgender being somebody who isn’t trans in kind
being somebody who isn’t trans in kind
being somebody who isn’t trans in kind of a colonial view of gender this
of a colonial view of gender this
of a colonial view of gender this recognizes that you know around the
recognizes that you know around the
recognizes that you know around the world there’s many different cultures
world there’s many different cultures
world there’s many different cultures who don’t abide by this to gender system
who don’t abide by this to gender system
who don’t abide by this to gender system so that label wouldn’t apply to
so that label wouldn’t apply to
so that label wouldn’t apply to everybody but in a Western sense and
everybody but in a Western sense and
everybody but in a Western sense and that’s what’s this gender is but passing
that’s what’s this gender is but passing
that’s what’s this gender is but passing bynes trans people into having our
bynes trans people into having our
bynes trans people into having our bodies our appearances and ourselves
bodies our appearances and ourselves
bodies our appearances and ourselves rooted insists gender ideals of beauty
rooted insists gender ideals of beauty
rooted insists gender ideals of beauty so that we can enter the world and it
so that we can enter the world and it
so that we can enter the world and it works in terrible ways something I think
works in terrible ways something I think
works in terrible ways something I think about all the time for myself is makeup
about all the time for myself is makeup
about all the time for myself is makeup you know I love makeup it can be a
you know I love makeup it can be a
you know I love makeup it can be a really great buffer for attracting less
really great buffer for attracting less
really great buffer for attracting less attention generally i can make me feel
attention generally i can make me feel
attention generally i can make me feel pretty i like to wear it to events are
pretty i like to wear it to events are
pretty i like to wear it to events are going out or taking pictures but i don’t
going out or taking pictures but i don’t
going out or taking pictures but i don’t often wear makeup in my day-to-day life
often wear makeup in my day-to-day life
often wear makeup in my day-to-day life in fact it’s something that I’m scared
in fact it’s something that I’m scared
in fact it’s something that I’m scared of doing because I’m scared of being
of doing because I’m scared of being
of doing because I’m scared of being held to this expectation from other
held to this expectation from other
held to this expectation from other people that I will need to keep wearing
people that I will need to keep wearing
people that I will need to keep wearing makeup for the rest of my life it’s
makeup for the rest of my life it’s
makeup for the rest of my life it’s something that women and trans women in
something that women and trans women in
something that women and trans women in particular feel all too often and it
particular feel all too often and it
particular feel all too often and it sucks and I just don’t know if I’m ready
sucks and I just don’t know if I’m ready
sucks and I just don’t know if I’m ready to do that yet but something I want to
to do that yet but something I want to
to do that yet but something I want to talk to you about today kind of reframes
talk to you about today kind of reframes
talk to you about today kind of reframes narratives of gender euphoria I heard
narratives of gender euphoria I heard
narratives of gender euphoria I heard about this term a year or so ago I don’t
about this term a year or so ago I don’t
about this term a year or so ago I don’t remember where although I wish I did but
remember where although I wish I did but
remember where although I wish I did but it’s called gender euphoria now with
it’s called gender euphoria now with
it’s called gender euphoria now with gender euphoria it’s not about focusing
gender euphoria it’s not about focusing
gender euphoria it’s not about focusing on what i don’t like about my body what
on what i don’t like about my body what
on what i don’t like about my body what makes me anxious what makes me sad or
makes me anxious what makes me sad or
makes me anxious what makes me sad or you know just what I’m not comfortable
you know just what I’m not comfortable
you know just what I’m not comfortable with and instead it’s about celebrating
with and instead it’s about celebrating
with and instead it’s about celebrating my body for what it is our bodies are
my body for what it is our bodies are
my body for what it is our bodies are unique maps of ourselves they’re tactile
unique maps of ourselves they’re tactile
unique maps of ourselves they’re tactile and expansive and they show memories of
and expansive and they show memories of
and expansive and they show memories of time passed it’s really beautiful
time passed it’s really beautiful
time passed it’s really beautiful actually and with gender euphoria it
actually and with gender euphoria it
actually and with gender euphoria it allows me to reframe how I think of my
allows me to reframe how I think of my
allows me to reframe how I think of my own gender journey you know not
own gender journey you know not
own gender journey you know not everybody has access to things like what
everybody has access to things like what
everybody has access to things like what Caitlyn Jenner does and can one day
Caitlyn Jenner does and can one day
Caitlyn Jenner does and can one day enter the world with access to privacy
enter the world with access to privacy
enter the world with access to privacy and funds and surgeries and whatnot in
and funds and surgeries and whatnot in
and funds and surgeries and whatnot in order to become a different person what
order to become a different person what
order to become a different person what gender euphoria has taught me is that
gender euphoria has taught me is that
gender euphoria has taught me is that day by day I slowly come into myself and
day by day I slowly come into myself and
day by day I slowly come into myself and I grow more but I have to be patient
I grow more but I have to be patient
I grow more but I have to be patient with myself I only have this one body
with myself I only have this one body
with myself I only have this one body and I need to treat it with the care and
and I need to treat it with the care and
and I need to treat it with the care and the respect that it deserves and needs
the respect that it deserves and needs
the respect that it deserves and needs to survive and I hope that gender
to survive and I hope that gender
to survive and I hope that gender euphoria can also translate to other
euphoria can also translate to other
euphoria can also translate to other things and help you break down notions
things and help you break down notions
things and help you break down notions of what gender is or what gender can be
of what gender is or what gender can be
of what gender is or what gender can be you know men can wear makeup women can
you know men can wear makeup women can
you know men can wear makeup women can have shaved heads and chest hair and
have shaved heads and chest hair and
have shaved heads and chest hair and non-binary people can be masculine or
non-binary people can be masculine or
non-binary people can be masculine or feminine or androgenous or however they
feminine or androgenous or however they
feminine or androgenous or however they choose to present gender is truly
choose to present gender is truly
choose to present gender is truly limitless and that’s something that’s so
limitless and that’s something that’s so
limitless and that’s something that’s so beautiful as well as this I want to have
beautiful as well as this I want to have
beautiful as well as this I want to have patience with you learning is a very
patience with you learning is a very
patience with you learning is a very long process and unlearning is no
long process and unlearning is no
long process and unlearning is no different
different
different we’re taught our whole lives that gender
we’re taught our whole lives that gender
we’re taught our whole lives that gender is this great big rigid system but it
is this great big rigid system but it
is this great big rigid system but it isn’t so I have a little bit of homework
isn’t so I have a little bit of homework
isn’t so I have a little bit of homework for you little things you can do in your
for you little things you can do in your
for you little things you can do in your everyday life to make trans people more
everyday life to make trans people more
everyday life to make trans people more comfortable and just to break down
comfortable and just to break down
comfortable and just to break down systems of gender first one is don’t
systems of gender first one is don’t
systems of gender first one is don’t assume peoples gender this happens all
assume peoples gender this happens all
assume peoples gender this happens all too often and it’s something that’s
too often and it’s something that’s
too often and it’s something that’s often subconscious I know when I started
often subconscious I know when I started
often subconscious I know when I started presenting in more non-conforming ways
presenting in more non-conforming ways
presenting in more non-conforming ways people gendered me more and I think that
people gendered me more and I think that
people gendered me more and I think that people just get defensive of the unknown
people just get defensive of the unknown
people just get defensive of the unknown or just things around them and feel the
or just things around them and feel the
or just things around them and feel the need to force gender upon people but the
need to force gender upon people but the
need to force gender upon people but the next time you’re out in public and you
next time you’re out in public and you
next time you’re out in public and you see somebody and you think to yourself I
see somebody and you think to yourself I
see somebody and you think to yourself I wonder what gender they are just go on
wonder what gender they are just go on
wonder what gender they are just go on with your life because it really doesn’t
with your life because it really doesn’t
with your life because it really doesn’t matter the second thing is pronouns ask
matter the second thing is pronouns ask
matter the second thing is pronouns ask people’s pronouns and respect them you
people’s pronouns and respect them you
people’s pronouns and respect them you know a lot of people make these
know a lot of people make these
know a lot of people make these arguments that pronouns like van them
arguments that pronouns like van them
arguments that pronouns like van them aren’t grammatically correct or they
aren’t grammatically correct or they
aren’t grammatically correct or they don’t make sense but ultimately what
don’t make sense but ultimately what
don’t make sense but ultimately what you’re doing when you say that is that
you’re doing when you say that is that
you’re doing when you say that is that your laziness toward change is more
your laziness toward change is more
your laziness toward change is more important than making others around you
important than making others around you
important than making others around you feel comfortable and supported third
feel comfortable and supported third
feel comfortable and supported third thing is stop weirdly gendering stuff
thing is stop weirdly gendering stuff
thing is stop weirdly gendering stuff all too often in society we gender like
all too often in society we gender like
all too often in society we gender like things and objects into these like weird
things and objects into these like weird
things and objects into these like weird boxes like colors and makeup and
boxes like colors and makeup and
boxes like colors and makeup and clothing and babies and names and bodies
clothing and babies and names and bodies
clothing and babies and names and bodies and body parts and voices do you know
and body parts and voices do you know
and body parts and voices do you know how hard it is to actively try and
how hard it is to actively try and
how hard it is to actively try and change your voice it’s not fun and the
change your voice it’s not fun and the
change your voice it’s not fun and the last thing a little homework for you is
last thing a little homework for you is
last thing a little homework for you is reach out to a trans person in your life
reach out to a trans person in your life
reach out to a trans person in your life call them or text them or talk to them
call them or text them or talk to them
call them or text them or talk to them and let them know how amazing they are
and let them know how amazing they are
and let them know how amazing they are let them know that they’re the whole
let them know that they’re the whole
let them know that they’re the whole world because they are and let them know
world because they are and let them know
world because they are and let them know that it’s not in spite of themselves but
that it’s not in spite of themselves but
that it’s not in spite of themselves but because of themselves they are amazing
because of themselves they are amazing
because of themselves they are amazing and you should let them know how loved
and you should let them know how loved
and you should let them know how loved and supported they are and most
and supported they are and most
and supported they are and most importantly if somebody in your life is
importantly if somebody in your life is
importantly if somebody in your life is going through some gender stuff don’t
going through some gender stuff don’t
going through some gender stuff don’t push them out of the closet don’t out
push them out of the closet don’t out
push them out of the closet don’t out them sit there and support them and let
them sit there and support them and let
them sit there and support them and let them be as authentic as they are
them be as authentic as they are
them be as authentic as they are comfortable
comfortable
comfortable I hope today I’ve expanded your gender
I hope today I’ve expanded your gender
I hope today I’ve expanded your gender horizon a little bit and you can start
horizon a little bit and you can start
horizon a little bit and you can start to thicken gender of gender in a more
to thicken gender of gender in a more
to thicken gender of gender in a more open and limitless way the beauty and
open and limitless way the beauty and
open and limitless way the beauty and the possibilities of gender is something
the possibilities of gender is something
the possibilities of gender is something that inspires me constantly thank you
that inspires me constantly thank you
that inspires me constantly thank you for your time today and thank you for
for your time today and thank you for
for your time today and thank you for listening
listening
listening [Applause]
”
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