six years ago an event changed my life three weeks previously a student film
three weeks previously a student film
three weeks previously a student film crew have been making a film about me
crew have been making a film about me
crew have been making a film about me about my gender journey I’d recently
about my gender journey I’d recently
about my gender journey I’d recently received consent to go on the
received consent to go on the
received consent to go on the transgender surgical waiting list
transgender surgical waiting list
transgender surgical waiting list I should have been excited and ecstatic
I should have been excited and ecstatic
I should have been excited and ecstatic it had also been my 45th birthday dozens
it had also been my 45th birthday dozens
it had also been my 45th birthday dozens of people to come round to celebrate it
of people to come round to celebrate it
of people to come round to celebrate it was the perfect setup for a midlife
was the perfect setup for a midlife
was the perfect setup for a midlife crisis
crisis
crisis it was the inauthenticity actually of
it was the inauthenticity actually of
it was the inauthenticity actually of still trying to please others in my life
still trying to please others in my life
still trying to please others in my life I’d had partners who said Katie keep
I’d had partners who said Katie keep
I’d had partners who said Katie keep that bit of your body other partners
that bit of your body other partners
that bit of your body other partners saying Katie get rid of that part of
saying Katie get rid of that part of
saying Katie get rid of that part of your body I’m blessed now with a
your body I’m blessed now with a
your body I’m blessed now with a partner’s sister do what the f you like
partner’s sister do what the f you like
partner’s sister do what the f you like with your body it was that trying to
with your body it was that trying to
with your body it was that trying to please others oh and not myself of not
please others oh and not myself of not
please others oh and not myself of not actually doing what I needed all wanted
actually doing what I needed all wanted
actually doing what I needed all wanted to do and also daily economic pressures
to do and also daily economic pressures
to do and also daily economic pressures including eviction notices and debt
including eviction notices and debt
including eviction notices and debt collectors coming to my door of trying
collectors coming to my door of trying
collectors coming to my door of trying to conform to male-female and even
to conform to male-female and even
to conform to male-female and even transgender stereotypes trying to abide
transgender stereotypes trying to abide
transgender stereotypes trying to abide by the apparent rules of life which I’d
by the apparent rules of life which I’d
by the apparent rules of life which I’d never really got or understood that
never really got or understood that
never really got or understood that first time in primary school when you go
first time in primary school when you go
first time in primary school when you go in and someone doesn’t like you and I
in and someone doesn’t like you and I
in and someone doesn’t like you and I went home to mom and said somebody
went home to mom and said somebody
went home to mom and said somebody doesn’t like me why don’t why do people
doesn’t like me why don’t why do people
doesn’t like me why don’t why do people not like everyone I don’t get it
not like everyone I don’t get it
not like everyone I don’t get it survival was a daily fight for me though
survival was a daily fight for me though
survival was a daily fight for me though against the system and against myself it
against the system and against myself it
against the system and against myself it was complicated by my anxiety disorders
was complicated by my anxiety disorders
was complicated by my anxiety disorders one of several I collect three-letter
one of several I collect three-letter
one of several I collect three-letter acronym itis I have mad bad GERD and sad
acronym itis I have mad bad GERD and sad
acronym itis I have mad bad GERD and sad and it was worsened by my bipolar mood
and it was worsened by my bipolar mood
and it was worsened by my bipolar mood swings these multiple straws combined to
swings these multiple straws combined to
swings these multiple straws combined to break this sad camel’s back
break this sad camel’s back
break this sad camel’s back and I attempted through bawling tears to
and I attempted through bawling tears to
and I attempted through bawling tears to take my own life attempting suicide was
take my own life attempting suicide was
take my own life attempting suicide was probably the single bravest thing I’ve
probably the single bravest thing I’ve
probably the single bravest thing I’ve done in my life
done in my life
done in my life it wasn’t cowardice I wasn’t a failure
it wasn’t cowardice I wasn’t a failure
it wasn’t cowardice I wasn’t a failure life was failing me ironically my OCD
life was failing me ironically my OCD
life was failing me ironically my OCD saved me and a long-standing friend and
saved me and a long-standing friend and
saved me and a long-standing friend and neighbor next door who interrupted me at
neighbor next door who interrupted me at
neighbor next door who interrupted me at 2:00 a.m. in the morning trying to
2:00 a.m. in the morning trying to
2:00 a.m. in the morning trying to complete my exit strategy subsequently
complete my exit strategy subsequently
complete my exit strategy subsequently another friend then kidnapped me and fed
another friend then kidnapped me and fed
another friend then kidnapped me and fed me my favorite comfortless on
me my favorite comfortless on
me my favorite comfortless on for and took Weaver long walks on the
for and took Weaver long walks on the
for and took Weaver long walks on the beach with their dogs and then after a
beach with their dogs and then after a
beach with their dogs and then after a week two things happened I forgave my
week two things happened I forgave my
week two things happened I forgave my friends for actually stopping me killing
friends for actually stopping me killing
friends for actually stopping me killing myself and I finally wanted to live
myself and I finally wanted to live
myself and I finally wanted to live again my mental health still haunts me I
again my mental health still haunts me I
again my mental health still haunts me I live in an uneasy compromise with it
live in an uneasy compromise with it
live in an uneasy compromise with it with its toils with its troubles I make
with its toils with its troubles I make
with its toils with its troubles I make deals with it I barter with it I do much
deals with it I barter with it I do much
deals with it I barter with it I do much better than before I’m off my meds and I
better than before I’m off my meds and I
better than before I’m off my meds and I love it however I have to live in the
love it however I have to live in the
love it however I have to live in the moment
moment
moment in the current 24 hours in order to keep
in the current 24 hours in order to keep
in the current 24 hours in order to keep going in order to survive at all I have
going in order to survive at all I have
going in order to survive at all I have affordable form of bipolar that can last
affordable form of bipolar that can last
affordable form of bipolar that can last for days weeks or months in a particular
for days weeks or months in a particular
for days weeks or months in a particular mood made particularly worse during
mood made particularly worse during
mood made particularly worse during winter and the light goes that seriously
winter and the light goes that seriously
winter and the light goes that seriously affects me but it also can last minutes
affects me but it also can last minutes
affects me but it also can last minutes and hours and it can rapid cycle between
and hours and it can rapid cycle between
and hours and it can rapid cycle between highs and lows by passing anything in
highs and lows by passing anything in
highs and lows by passing anything in between when I’m high I’m fearless and
between when I’m high I’m fearless and
between when I’m high I’m fearless and irresponsible and hyper flirty when I’m
irresponsible and hyper flirty when I’m
irresponsible and hyper flirty when I’m low I have chronic anxiety five minutes
low I have chronic anxiety five minutes
low I have chronic anxiety five minutes in the right company and those can
in the right company and those can
in the right company and those can switch around completely I’m
switch around completely I’m
switch around completely I’m unpredictable unless you know me then I
unpredictable unless you know me then I
unpredictable unless you know me then I am predictably Kati that’s why this talk
am predictably Kati that’s why this talk
am predictably Kati that’s why this talk will reflect where I am right now not
will reflect where I am right now not
will reflect where I am right now not last week and planning ahead is an
last week and planning ahead is an
last week and planning ahead is an impossibility for me two years ago I had
impossibility for me two years ago I had
impossibility for me two years ago I had a tumor removed it was a gender tumor
a tumor removed it was a gender tumor
a tumor removed it was a gender tumor growing on my brain oddly the site of
growing on my brain oddly the site of
growing on my brain oddly the site of the surgery was elsewhere
the surgery was elsewhere
the surgery was elsewhere I nearly chickened out but the
I nearly chickened out but the
I nearly chickened out but the anesthetist knocked me out just as I was
anesthetist knocked me out just as I was
anesthetist knocked me out just as I was wanting to run it was a psychological
wanting to run it was a psychological
wanting to run it was a psychological and physical relief though and something
and physical relief though and something
and physical relief though and something I have not for a moment regretted in the
I have not for a moment regretted in the
I have not for a moment regretted in the last two years the gender dysphoria
last two years the gender dysphoria
last two years the gender dysphoria pressure on my mind was gone I came
pressure on my mind was gone I came
pressure on my mind was gone I came round from the OP apart from asking for
round from the OP apart from asking for
round from the OP apart from asking for the menu for dinner
the menu for dinner
the menu for dinner feeling neither male nor female I felt
feeling neither male nor female I felt
feeling neither male nor female I felt less gendered but definitely more human
less gendered but definitely more human
less gendered but definitely more human my very existence feeling like an act of
my very existence feeling like an act of
my very existence feeling like an act of rebellion against the gender binary
rebellion against the gender binary
rebellion against the gender binary these two events two years ago and six
these two events two years ago and six
these two events two years ago and six years ago have molded me my mental
years ago have molded me my mental
years ago have molded me my mental health and my gender identity I was
health and my gender identity I was
health and my gender identity I was actually going to speak on doing
actually going to speak on doing
actually going to speak on doing different
different
different and I wanted to make it about being
and I wanted to make it about being
and I wanted to make it about being different
different
different I wrote a talk all about that and the
I wrote a talk all about that and the
I wrote a talk all about that and the more I read it the less it resonated
more I read it the less it resonated
more I read it the less it resonated with me
with me
with me it became formulaic and full of stats
it became formulaic and full of stats
it became formulaic and full of stats and just wasn’t my natural self or voice
and just wasn’t my natural self or voice
and just wasn’t my natural self or voice it was also last week’s and last month’s
it was also last week’s and last month’s
it was also last week’s and last month’s thoughts in my head not today’s or last
thoughts in my head not today’s or last
thoughts in my head not today’s or last nights I’ve had many wonderful partners
nights I’ve had many wonderful partners
nights I’ve had many wonderful partners in my life mostly therapists who’ve
in my life mostly therapists who’ve
in my life mostly therapists who’ve supported me in saying change your body
supported me in saying change your body
supported me in saying change your body all you like but don’t change your voice
all you like but don’t change your voice
all you like but don’t change your voice that is part of who you are so staying
that is part of who you are so staying
that is part of who you are so staying true to myself in that respect it’s
true to myself in that respect it’s
true to myself in that respect it’s become very important to me and that
become very important to me and that
become very important to me and that means even this to talk right now is an
means even this to talk right now is an
means even this to talk right now is an evolution and change in progress it is
evolution and change in progress it is
evolution and change in progress it is disruptive in itself I am disruptive and
disruptive in itself I am disruptive and
disruptive in itself I am disruptive and I currently relish that my thoughts
I currently relish that my thoughts
I currently relish that my thoughts raced though I have flights of ideas
raced though I have flights of ideas
raced though I have flights of ideas stopping me made hyper manic flow is
stopping me made hyper manic flow is
stopping me made hyper manic flow is like trying to hold back the tide or a
like trying to hold back the tide or a
like trying to hold back the tide or a tsunami my thoughts also jump around so
tsunami my thoughts also jump around so
tsunami my thoughts also jump around so trying to keep a carrot thread on any
trying to keep a carrot thread on any
trying to keep a carrot thread on any topic is impossible
topic is impossible
topic is impossible I have something called Knights move
I have something called Knights move
I have something called Knights move thinking as well I’ll think three steps
thinking as well I’ll think three steps
thinking as well I’ll think three steps forward one step to the left one step to
forward one step to the left one step to
forward one step to the left one step to the right and people think just how did
the right and people think just how did
the right and people think just how did your mind get there Katie
your mind get there Katie
your mind get there Katie we don’t follow my head is like the m25
we don’t follow my head is like the m25
we don’t follow my head is like the m25 in rush-hour cars going at every lane in
in rush-hour cars going at every lane in
in rush-hour cars going at every lane in every direction and the only way I can
every direction and the only way I can
every direction and the only way I can kind of navigate those thoughts in my
kind of navigate those thoughts in my
kind of navigate those thoughts in my head is to try and mentally persuade
head is to try and mentally persuade
head is to try and mentally persuade some of the cars some of the thoughts to
some of the cars some of the thoughts to
some of the cars some of the thoughts to go into a service station and park up
go into a service station and park up
go into a service station and park up what you’re hearing now is already me
what you’re hearing now is already me
what you’re hearing now is already me slowed down a conscious continual
slowed down a conscious continual
slowed down a conscious continual draining effort to only let out some of
draining effort to only let out some of
draining effort to only let out some of my high speed legal high thinking i
my high speed legal high thinking i
my high speed legal high thinking i diary every day and I write continually
diary every day and I write continually
diary every day and I write continually often 50,000 to 70,000 words a week as
often 50,000 to 70,000 words a week as
often 50,000 to 70,000 words a week as it processes my thoughts and slows me
it processes my thoughts and slows me
it processes my thoughts and slows me down and it’s cathartic to my moods
down and it’s cathartic to my moods
down and it’s cathartic to my moods anyway so where was I version 2 of my
anyway so where was I version 2 of my
anyway so where was I version 2 of my talk that I was thinking about and
talk that I was thinking about and
talk that I was thinking about and writing down involved utterly abandoning
writing down involved utterly abandoning
writing down involved utterly abandoning the text so I went from conformity to
the text so I went from conformity to
the text so I went from conformity to utter rebellion and I wanted to release
utter rebellion and I wanted to release
utter rebellion and I wanted to release a truckload of kittens on stage now I
a truckload of kittens on stage now I
a truckload of kittens on stage now I love cats the internet loves cat
love cats the internet loves cat
love cats the internet loves cat where could I go wrong well I couldn’t
where could I go wrong well I couldn’t
where could I go wrong well I couldn’t get it past the ethics committee for the
get it past the ethics committee for the
get it past the ethics committee for the talk so this is the next best thing my
talk so this is the next best thing my
talk so this is the next best thing my cats helped me so much
cats helped me so much
cats helped me so much they should be on prescription for
they should be on prescription for
they should be on prescription for everyone they calm my anxieties and my
everyone they calm my anxieties and my
everyone they calm my anxieties and my moods they teach me to chill out and
moods they teach me to chill out and
moods they teach me to chill out and worry less when I stroke them I calm
worry less when I stroke them I calm
worry less when I stroke them I calm down and people know me that when they
down and people know me that when they
down and people know me that when they stroke my hair I slow down but they
stroke my hair I slow down but they
stroke my hair I slow down but they can’t reach me now as to the original
can’t reach me now as to the original
can’t reach me now as to the original talk I planned I’m going to follow the
talk I planned I’m going to follow the
talk I planned I’m going to follow the example of my year 8 English teacher who
example of my year 8 English teacher who
example of my year 8 English teacher who walked into class on the first lesson of
walked into class on the first lesson of
walked into class on the first lesson of the year and tore up the lesson plan sat
the year and tore up the lesson plan sat
the year and tore up the lesson plan sat on the desk and opened a book and just
on the desk and opened a book and just
on the desk and opened a book and just started reading to us and didn’t stop
started reading to us and didn’t stop
started reading to us and didn’t stop for a whole year he didn’t seem to set
for a whole year he didn’t seem to set
for a whole year he didn’t seem to set us any work or yeah and the one essay we
us any work or yeah and the one essay we
us any work or yeah and the one essay we handed in he never marked I was in
handed in he never marked I was in
handed in he never marked I was in bottom three of the class at the
bottom three of the class at the
bottom three of the class at the beginning of that year and by the end of
beginning of that year and by the end of
beginning of that year and by the end of the year I was in the top three of the
the year I was in the top three of the
the year I was in the top three of the class for English he was so inspiring
class for English he was so inspiring
class for English he was so inspiring teachers need more freedom to do
teachers need more freedom to do
teachers need more freedom to do different as a result I’ve become very
different as a result I’ve become very
different as a result I’ve become very good with words but I still feel a need
good with words but I still feel a need
good with words but I still feel a need to be more authentically me by tearing
to be more authentically me by tearing
to be more authentically me by tearing up the script on occasion if not all the
up the script on occasion if not all the
up the script on occasion if not all the time I need to be less constructed less
time I need to be less constructed less
time I need to be less constructed less clever with words in order to be more
clever with words in order to be more
clever with words in order to be more vulnerable I’ve tried being male/female
vulnerable I’ve tried being male/female
vulnerable I’ve tried being male/female non-binary each of LGBTQ IQA MP and
non-binary each of LGBTQ IQA MP and
non-binary each of LGBTQ IQA MP and after decades wearing masks and trying
after decades wearing masks and trying
after decades wearing masks and trying to be something I’m not I realized the
to be something I’m not I realized the
to be something I’m not I realized the trick is to be yourself or in my case to
trick is to be yourself or in my case to
trick is to be yourself or in my case to be Katie John not anyone else even the
be Katie John not anyone else even the
be Katie John not anyone else even the TED Talks official guide on page 57 I
TED Talks official guide on page 57 I
TED Talks official guide on page 57 I checked says be yourself Carl Rogers the
checked says be yourself Carl Rogers the
checked says be yourself Carl Rogers the psychologist said that being yourself
psychologist said that being yourself
psychologist said that being yourself means shedding all the layers of looking
means shedding all the layers of looking
means shedding all the layers of looking good of wanting to be liked of being
good of wanting to be liked of being
good of wanting to be liked of being scared to stand out and trying to be who
scared to stand out and trying to be who
scared to stand out and trying to be who you think you want to be instead being
you think you want to be instead being
you think you want to be instead being self being yourself means being naked
self being yourself means being naked
self being yourself means being naked raw and vulnerable I hope to be two out
raw and vulnerable I hope to be two out
raw and vulnerable I hope to be two out of those three we come into the world
of those three we come into the world
of those three we come into the world naked I arrive not breathing and it took
naked I arrive not breathing and it took
naked I arrive not breathing and it took six to seven minutes to get me started
six to seven minutes to get me started
six to seven minutes to get me started breathing and an hour before they got my
breathing and an hour before they got my
breathing and an hour before they got my gender right or had they being naked was
gender right or had they being naked was
gender right or had they being naked was one of the first things that petrified
one of the first things that petrified
one of the first things that petrified me in my life due to my body in gender
me in my life due to my body in gender
me in my life due to my body in gender dysphoria so I avoided all
dysphoria so I avoided all
dysphoria so I avoided all in sports I avoided the swimming rooms
in sports I avoided the swimming rooms
in sports I avoided the swimming rooms and changing rooms I got out of rugby as
and changing rooms I got out of rugby as
and changing rooms I got out of rugby as soon as possible the rugby showers
soon as possible the rugby showers
soon as possible the rugby showers petrified me as an adult though I went
petrified me as an adult though I went
petrified me as an adult though I went on workshops to overcome those very
on workshops to overcome those very
on workshops to overcome those very fears but don’t worry I’m not gonna
fears but don’t worry I’m not gonna
fears but don’t worry I’m not gonna prove it and get naked now but raw and
prove it and get naked now but raw and
prove it and get naked now but raw and vulnerable I aim to be a nakedness of
vulnerable I aim to be a nakedness of
vulnerable I aim to be a nakedness of the soul in order to grow healthily
the soul in order to grow healthily
the soul in order to grow healthily Rodgers argued that we need a
Rodgers argued that we need a
Rodgers argued that we need a genuineness of self and the acceptance
genuineness of self and the acceptance
genuineness of self and the acceptance and empathy of others to fulfill our
and empathy of others to fulfill our
and empathy of others to fulfill our potential and achieve the highest level
potential and achieve the highest level
potential and achieve the highest level of human being nostalgic rossol labels
of human being nostalgic rossol labels
of human being nostalgic rossol labels he believed that for a person to achieve
he believed that for a person to achieve
he believed that for a person to achieve that self-actualization they must be in
that self-actualization they must be in
that self-actualization they must be in a state of congruence between their
a state of congruence between their
a state of congruence between their ideal self and their actual self another
ideal self and their actual self another
ideal self and their actual self another psychologist well actor and martial
psychologist well actor and martial
psychologist well actor and martial artist Bruce Lee said the strongest
artist Bruce Lee said the strongest
artist Bruce Lee said the strongest force in the universe is a human being
force in the universe is a human being
force in the universe is a human being living consistently with their identity
living consistently with their identity
living consistently with their identity well as a trans person my ideal an
well as a trans person my ideal an
well as a trans person my ideal an actual self were constantly in conflict
actual self were constantly in conflict
actual self were constantly in conflict for me as with my moods as well high and
for me as with my moods as well high and
for me as with my moods as well high and low my extraversion and introversion I’m
low my extraversion and introversion I’m
low my extraversion and introversion I’m an ambivert so I couldn’t grow I was
an ambivert so I couldn’t grow I was
an ambivert so I couldn’t grow I was living inconsistently with my identity
living inconsistently with my identity
living inconsistently with my identity which meant almost having a split
which meant almost having a split
which meant almost having a split personality and living a lie as a child
personality and living a lie as a child
personality and living a lie as a child five years old or so I remember that
five years old or so I remember that
five years old or so I remember that when they said to this class girl sit
when they said to this class girl sit
when they said to this class girl sit there boys sit there and in my head I
there boys sit there and in my head I
there boys sit there and in my head I was thinking where do I sit I knew I
was thinking where do I sit I knew I
was thinking where do I sit I knew I looked like the boys mostly I had a
looked like the boys mostly I had a
looked like the boys mostly I had a growth and hormone development disorder
growth and hormone development disorder
growth and hormone development disorder that meant I was the shortest kid in
that meant I was the shortest kid in
that meant I was the shortest kid in class but I also felt tribally that I
class but I also felt tribally that I
class but I also felt tribally that I belonged with the girls and I had enough
belonged with the girls and I had enough
belonged with the girls and I had enough insight to know that I recognized the
insight to know that I recognized the
insight to know that I recognized the difference and the distance between that
difference and the distance between that
difference and the distance between that age ten we played kiss chase in the
age ten we played kiss chase in the
age ten we played kiss chase in the school playground and I remember
school playground and I remember
school playground and I remember thinking well I’m fairly certain it’s
thinking well I’m fairly certain it’s
thinking well I’m fairly certain it’s the girls that I want to kiss but I’m
the girls that I want to kiss but I’m
the girls that I want to kiss but I’m also fairly certain I want the girls
also fairly certain I want the girls
also fairly certain I want the girls team but that would be kind of unfair
team but that would be kind of unfair
team but that would be kind of unfair because I would start with an advantage
because I would start with an advantage
because I would start with an advantage because in those days the only kiss
because in those days the only kiss
because in those days the only kiss chase you could play at school was
chase you could play at school was
chase you could play at school was heterosexual kiss chase so I thought I’d
heterosexual kiss chase so I thought I’d
heterosexual kiss chase so I thought I’d better go and stand with the boys at the
better go and stand with the boys at the
better go and stand with the boys at the other then to the playground to give the
other then to the playground to give the
other then to the playground to give the get others a chance I tried to man up at
get others a chance I tried to man up at
get others a chance I tried to man up at an all-boys school did three years in
an all-boys school did three years in
an all-boys school did three years in the Army Cadets I tried to blend in tone
the Army Cadets I tried to blend in tone
the Army Cadets I tried to blend in tone down I tried to be normal
down I tried to be normal
down I tried to be normal not different and I tried certainly not
not different and I tried certainly not
not different and I tried certainly not to be myself standing out was the last
to be myself standing out was the last
to be myself standing out was the last thing I wanted I wanted to be invisible
thing I wanted I wanted to be invisible
thing I wanted I wanted to be invisible for the ground to open up and swallow me
for the ground to open up and swallow me
for the ground to open up and swallow me I spent the first 40 years of my life
I spent the first 40 years of my life
I spent the first 40 years of my life trying exceedingly hard to function that
trying exceedingly hard to function that
trying exceedingly hard to function that way to be normal to be accepted to be
way to be normal to be accepted to be
way to be normal to be accepted to be the same as the next person as everyone
the same as the next person as everyone
the same as the next person as everyone else and to belong
else and to belong
else and to belong but I didn’t Albert Camus says that
but I didn’t Albert Camus says that
but I didn’t Albert Camus says that nobody realizes that some people spend
nobody realizes that some people spend
nobody realizes that some people spend tremendous energy just trying to be
tremendous energy just trying to be
tremendous energy just trying to be normal
normal
normal trying to be something they’re not well
trying to be something they’re not well
trying to be something they’re not well exhausted me and I ended up depressed in
exhausted me and I ended up depressed in
exhausted me and I ended up depressed in a pale shade of the person that either
a pale shade of the person that either
a pale shade of the person that either was or am now lana wachowski one of my
was or am now lana wachowski one of my
was or am now lana wachowski one of my heroes one-half of the amazing matrix
heroes one-half of the amazing matrix
heroes one-half of the amazing matrix and sense8 sisters says that normal is
and sense8 sisters says that normal is
and sense8 sisters says that normal is something that does not have to be
something that does not have to be
something that does not have to be defined for you but rather by you but
defined for you but rather by you but
defined for you but rather by you but like heck I wasn’t ready to define
like heck I wasn’t ready to define
like heck I wasn’t ready to define anything I was afraid of losing my faith
anything I was afraid of losing my faith
anything I was afraid of losing my faith my family my friends and any hope of a
my family my friends and any hope of a
my family my friends and any hope of a future partner and so I stuck my head
future partner and so I stuck my head
future partner and so I stuck my head below the parapet and married a
below the parapet and married a
below the parapet and married a psychiatrist well if you’ve ever put a
psychiatrist well if you’ve ever put a
psychiatrist well if you’ve ever put a bottle of wine in the oven to chill it
bottle of wine in the oven to chill it
bottle of wine in the oven to chill it because it’s freezing so I have no
because it’s freezing so I have no
because it’s freezing so I have no central heating in my house and
central heating in my house and
central heating in my house and forgotten it then you understand what
forgotten it then you understand what
forgotten it then you understand what happens next in the straitjacket of that
happens next in the straitjacket of that
happens next in the straitjacket of that marriage in gender role my cork
marriage in gender role my cork
marriage in gender role my cork eventually burst out and the wine went
eventually burst out and the wine went
eventually burst out and the wine went everywhere divorced debt and disaster
everywhere divorced debt and disaster
everywhere divorced debt and disaster ensued doors were slammed in my face I
ensued doors were slammed in my face I
ensued doors were slammed in my face I lost friends I was thrown out of my
lost friends I was thrown out of my
lost friends I was thrown out of my church I ended up in therapy out of the
church I ended up in therapy out of the
church I ended up in therapy out of the frying pan and into the fire
frying pan and into the fire
frying pan and into the fire I’d previously tried religious prayer
I’d previously tried religious prayer
I’d previously tried religious prayer and deliverance to rid myself of well
and deliverance to rid myself of well
and deliverance to rid myself of well myself but that had obviously failed my
myself but that had obviously failed my
myself but that had obviously failed my transgender demon was a stubborn
transgender demon was a stubborn
transgender demon was a stubborn squatter in my soul I asked my therapist
squatter in my soul I asked my therapist
squatter in my soul I asked my therapist if she could help me stop being
if she could help me stop being
if she could help me stop being transgender she said no but she could
transgender she said no but she could
transgender she said no but she could support me on my journey to being myself
support me on my journey to being myself
support me on my journey to being myself and she recommended a book and it was
and she recommended a book and it was
and she recommended a book and it was the best book I never read it was called
the best book I never read it was called
the best book I never read it was called fill the fear and do it anyway by Susan
fill the fear and do it anyway by Susan
fill the fear and do it anyway by Susan Jeffers I read the cover and tried to
Jeffers I read the cover and tried to
Jeffers I read the cover and tried to take it literally okay there’s a small
take it literally okay there’s a small
take it literally okay there’s a small lie because I still feel fear and it
lie because I still feel fear and it
lie because I still feel fear and it took me another five years to come to
took me another five years to come to
took me another five years to come to terms with who I was my actual
terms with who I was my actual
terms with who I was my actual psychiatrist one of several I have told
psychiatrist one of several I have told
psychiatrist one of several I have told me that I was the most
me that I was the most
me that I was the most octant transsexual he’d ever met and he
octant transsexual he’d ever met and he
octant transsexual he’d ever met and he was dealing with 50 to 60 transsexuals a
was dealing with 50 to 60 transsexuals a
was dealing with 50 to 60 transsexuals a year and meeting me as well he said it
year and meeting me as well he said it
year and meeting me as well he said it was obvious you were trans because you
was obvious you were trans because you
was obvious you were trans because you were trying way too hard to be male I
were trying way too hard to be male I
were trying way too hard to be male I never really came out in fact I was
never really came out in fact I was
never really came out in fact I was outed and I’m singularly grateful for
outed and I’m singularly grateful for
outed and I’m singularly grateful for that because I don’t think I would have
that because I don’t think I would have
that because I don’t think I would have had the courage to come out until many
had the courage to come out until many
had the courage to come out until many years later had I not been outed I loved
years later had I not been outed I loved
years later had I not been outed I loved the confidence and acceptance that young
the confidence and acceptance that young
the confidence and acceptance that young people have now to come out ahead of
people have now to come out ahead of
people have now to come out ahead of time I wish I could roll back the clock
time I wish I could roll back the clock
time I wish I could roll back the clock and come out at 15 not at 4:00 in my
and come out at 15 not at 4:00 in my
and come out at 15 not at 4:00 in my forties I didn’t feel though that the
forties I didn’t feel though that the
forties I didn’t feel though that the categories of male female or even being
categories of male female or even being
categories of male female or even being trans ever fitted me fully I was like
trans ever fitted me fully I was like
trans ever fitted me fully I was like not a square peg in a round hole I was
not a square peg in a round hole I was
not a square peg in a round hole I was like a unique peg that didn’t fit in the
like a unique peg that didn’t fit in the
like a unique peg that didn’t fit in the square hole or the round hole I still
square hole or the round hole I still
square hole or the round hole I still find binary gender options utterly
find binary gender options utterly
find binary gender options utterly limiting I just want to break free it’s
limiting I just want to break free it’s
limiting I just want to break free it’s a quote Freddie Mercury one of my heroes
a quote Freddie Mercury one of my heroes
a quote Freddie Mercury one of my heroes Albert Camus though again said the only
Albert Camus though again said the only
Albert Camus though again said the only way to deal with an unfree world is to
way to deal with an unfree world is to
way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very
become so absolutely free that your very
become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion well I
existence is an act of rebellion well I
existence is an act of rebellion well I never had the guts it’s called for a
never had the guts it’s called for a
never had the guts it’s called for a bell I was conforming on the outside
bell I was conforming on the outside
bell I was conforming on the outside whilst screaming on the inside in the
whilst screaming on the inside in the
whilst screaming on the inside in the Second World War my granddad was in the
Second World War my granddad was in the
Second World War my granddad was in the home guard that would have been me
home guard that would have been me
home guard that would have been me whilst my great-uncle was a spy in
whilst my great-uncle was a spy in
whilst my great-uncle was a spy in Yugoslavia working with Tito’s
Yugoslavia working with Tito’s
Yugoslavia working with Tito’s resistance that would have been rebel me
resistance that would have been rebel me
resistance that would have been rebel me I often dreamt of being a spy I love
I often dreamt of being a spy I love
I often dreamt of being a spy I love languages and I was very good at hiding
languages and I was very good at hiding
languages and I was very good at hiding my true identity in plain sight well
my true identity in plain sight well
my true identity in plain sight well GCHQ the government spy agency now
GCHQ the government spy agency now
GCHQ the government spy agency now claims it has several transgender spies
claims it has several transgender spies
claims it has several transgender spies and that it needs those who are
and that it needs those who are
and that it needs those who are different to fulfill its mission well
different to fulfill its mission well
different to fulfill its mission well they can get my number afterwards being
they can get my number afterwards being
they can get my number afterwards being yourself is encouraged if you fit but
yourself is encouraged if you fit but
yourself is encouraged if you fit but less so if you are considered a problem
less so if you are considered a problem
less so if you are considered a problem deviant or dangerous to establish norms
deviant or dangerous to establish norms
deviant or dangerous to establish norms being an individual or a type or agenda
being an individual or a type or agenda
being an individual or a type or agenda means you cannot be pigeonholed you’re
means you cannot be pigeonholed you’re
means you cannot be pigeonholed you’re an unknown quantity that cannot be
an unknown quantity that cannot be
an unknown quantity that cannot be measured or prepared for Taylor Swift
measured or prepared for Taylor Swift
measured or prepared for Taylor Swift said is you’re lucky enough to be
said is you’re lucky enough to be
said is you’re lucky enough to be different don’t ever change well if that
different don’t ever change well if that
different don’t ever change well if that we are all different and therefore also
we are all different and therefore also
we are all different and therefore also lucky no two humans are the same not
lucky no two humans are the same not
lucky no two humans are the same not even twins we’re humans first and then
even twins we’re humans first and then
even twins we’re humans first and then any one of several different categories
any one of several different categories
any one of several different categories labels an issue second because we live
labels an issue second because we live
labels an issue second because we live multiple issue lives we don’t live these
multiple issue lives we don’t live these
multiple issue lives we don’t live these single issue lives as Audrey Lorde said
single issue lives as Audrey Lorde said
single issue lives as Audrey Lorde said snow flakes is a term that’s been
snow flakes is a term that’s been
snow flakes is a term that’s been bandied about to negatively describe
bandied about to negatively describe
bandied about to negatively describe social justice warriors sensitive Souls
social justice warriors sensitive Souls
social justice warriors sensitive Souls and just about anyone disagreeing with
and just about anyone disagreeing with
and just about anyone disagreeing with the status quo or having a hard time at
the status quo or having a hard time at
the status quo or having a hard time at a distance or underfoot snow is just
a distance or underfoot snow is just
a distance or underfoot snow is just snow but each individual snowflake is
snow but each individual snowflake is
snow but each individual snowflake is also unique and together in an avalanche
also unique and together in an avalanche
also unique and together in an avalanche is ultimately powerful whether as
is ultimately powerful whether as
is ultimately powerful whether as individual disrupters on gender health
individual disrupters on gender health
individual disrupters on gender health or ND hating violence or banding
or ND hating violence or banding
or ND hating violence or banding together these snowflakes can make a
together these snowflakes can make a
together these snowflakes can make a difference in politics the environment
difference in politics the environment
difference in politics the environment LGBT abuse and mental health campaigns
LGBT abuse and mental health campaigns
LGBT abuse and mental health campaigns they’re all so astonishingly beautiful
they’re all so astonishingly beautiful
they’re all so astonishingly beautiful under the microscope there’s a beauty in
under the microscope there’s a beauty in
under the microscope there’s a beauty in our very vulnerability when we see the
our very vulnerability when we see the
our very vulnerability when we see the human under the labels past the facade
human under the labels past the facade
human under the labels past the facade of saying that everything is OK
of saying that everything is OK
of saying that everything is OK everything isn’t okay but change begins
everything isn’t okay but change begins
everything isn’t okay but change begins with us in fact it begins with me
with us in fact it begins with me
with us in fact it begins with me paradoxically there’s a strength in
paradoxically there’s a strength in
paradoxically there’s a strength in revealing our fragility it’s for is
revealing our fragility it’s for is
revealing our fragility it’s for is scary to do it but it lets us get closer
scary to do it but it lets us get closer
scary to do it but it lets us get closer to each other it builds trust and
to each other it builds trust and
to each other it builds trust and support and helps us see our differences
support and helps us see our differences
support and helps us see our differences in common humanity I’ve laid a little of
in common humanity I’ve laid a little of
in common humanity I’ve laid a little of myself bare not much but scratch beneath
myself bare not much but scratch beneath
myself bare not much but scratch beneath the surface of all of us and our
the surface of all of us and our
the surface of all of us and our combined differences in essential
combined differences in essential
combined differences in essential humanity just could change the world for
humanity just could change the world for
humanity just could change the world for the better so my encouragement is to
the better so my encouragement is to
the better so my encouragement is to embrace your difference because in so
embrace your difference because in so
embrace your difference because in so doing you’re hugging yourself and
doing you’re hugging yourself and
doing you’re hugging yourself and changing the world one person at a time
changing the world one person at a time
changing the world one person at a time only you can live your own life don’t
only you can live your own life don’t
only you can live your own life don’t imitate individuate and innovate be
imitate individuate and innovate be
imitate individuate and innovate be authentically you you’re beautiful and I
authentically you you’re beautiful and I
authentically you you’re beautiful and I spell that be you to the full thank you
spell that be you to the full thank you
spell that be you to the full thank you [Applause]
”
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