[Music] [Applause]
nine years ago I was asked a very simple
nine years ago I was asked a very simple question
question
question do you believe your best days lie ahead
do you believe your best days lie ahead
do you believe your best days lie ahead of you or behind you at that time our
of you or behind you at that time our
of you or behind you at that time our company that created the market for
company that created the market for
company that created the market for mobile phone heart cases was one of the
mobile phone heart cases was one of the
mobile phone heart cases was one of the fastest growing private companies in the
fastest growing private companies in the
fastest growing private companies in the US we had an amazing CEO and executive
US we had an amazing CEO and executive
US we had an amazing CEO and executive team running it I was single thriving
team running it I was single thriving
team running it I was single thriving living in San Francisco and things were
living in San Francisco and things were
living in San Francisco and things were looking up and to the right so I’m
looking up and to the right so I’m
looking up and to the right so I’m trying to answer the question I quickly
trying to answer the question I quickly
trying to answer the question I quickly was ready to say clearly they’re ahead
was ready to say clearly they’re ahead
was ready to say clearly they’re ahead of me but when I hesitated and gave it a
of me but when I hesitated and gave it a
of me but when I hesitated and gave it a moment and an honest consideration this
moment and an honest consideration this
moment and an honest consideration this upwelling in my gut
upwelling in my gut
upwelling in my gut crescendo did rose up through my body
crescendo did rose up through my body
crescendo did rose up through my body and left me unexpectedly and
and left me unexpectedly and
and left me unexpectedly and uncontrollably sobbing in tears I
uncontrollably sobbing in tears I
uncontrollably sobbing in tears I suddenly came into contact with the
suddenly came into contact with the
suddenly came into contact with the truth of myself that somewhere along the
truth of myself that somewhere along the
truth of myself that somewhere along the way I subscribed to a story that life
way I subscribed to a story that life
way I subscribed to a story that life follows an arc and at some point were
follows an arc and at some point were
follows an arc and at some point were over the hill and on the backside of
over the hill and on the backside of
over the hill and on the backside of life and maybe I was there just left me
life and maybe I was there just left me
life and maybe I was there just left me in such a crisis despite so much going
in such a crisis despite so much going
in such a crisis despite so much going right for me in my life something was
right for me in my life something was
right for me in my life something was wrong the path that led to here wasn’t
wrong the path that led to here wasn’t
wrong the path that led to here wasn’t working for me anymore and I was looking
working for me anymore and I was looking
working for me anymore and I was looking for a new path ahead maybe some of you
for a new path ahead maybe some of you
for a new path ahead maybe some of you have been here before yourselves so I
have been here before yourselves so I
have been here before yourselves so I spent the next several years trying to
spent the next several years trying to
spent the next several years trying to figure out how to turn that curve upward
figure out how to turn that curve upward
figure out how to turn that curve upward and I’m here today to share with you
and I’m here today to share with you
and I’m here today to share with you what I found the first thing I did was
what I found the first thing I did was
what I found the first thing I did was shift my relationship to goals achieving
shift my relationship to goals achieving
shift my relationship to goals achieving goals had this hollow victory feel to
goals had this hollow victory feel to
goals had this hollow victory feel to them and I noticed I had this resume
them and I noticed I had this resume
them and I noticed I had this resume culture mindset to my life where I was a
culture mindset to my life where I was a
culture mindset to my life where I was a bulleted list of achievements and
bulleted list of achievements and
bulleted list of achievements and somehow I was the summation of all that
somehow I was the summation of all that
somehow I was the summation of all that put together but clearly were so much
put together but clearly were so much
put together but clearly were so much more than that who we are is how we
more than that who we are is how we
more than that who we are is how we develop on the path towards those goals
develop on the path towards those goals
develop on the path towards those goals that’s what shapes us that’s who we
that’s what shapes us that’s who we
that’s what shapes us that’s who we become so to start to turn that curve
become so to start to turn that curve
become so to start to turn that curve that upwards what I did is I realized
that upwards what I did is I realized
that upwards what I did is I realized the power in
the power in
the power in the goal wasn’t actually in achieving it
the goal wasn’t actually in achieving it
the goal wasn’t actually in achieving it the real power was using the goal to
the real power was using the goal to
the real power was using the goal to propel a transformational journey to
propel a transformational journey to
propel a transformational journey to hold me in my practices to keep me on my
hold me in my practices to keep me on my
hold me in my practices to keep me on my path and I shifted my focus from getting
path and I shifted my focus from getting
path and I shifted my focus from getting to the goal to enriching the path itself
to the goal to enriching the path itself
to the goal to enriching the path itself and widening it you see up until this
and widening it you see up until this
and widening it you see up until this point my path was pretty narrowly
point my path was pretty narrowly
point my path was pretty narrowly focused in the world of of actions and
focused in the world of of actions and
focused in the world of of actions and getting things done daily weekly monthly
getting things done daily weekly monthly
getting things done daily weekly monthly quarterly rhythms would roll up into
quarterly rhythms would roll up into
quarterly rhythms would roll up into annual goals and tenure be haagse in the
annual goals and tenure be haagse in the
annual goals and tenure be haagse in the name of focus my actions who drive me to
name of focus my actions who drive me to
name of focus my actions who drive me to a goal and I would leave big parts of
a goal and I would leave big parts of
a goal and I would leave big parts of myself behind and ignored when I started
myself behind and ignored when I started
myself behind and ignored when I started to include some of those parts on the
to include some of those parts on the
to include some of those parts on the path the path itself became more
path the path itself became more
path the path itself became more meaningful and sometimes
meaningful and sometimes
meaningful and sometimes transformational when we walked with our
transformational when we walked with our
transformational when we walked with our whole self along a path that’s walking
whole self along a path that’s walking
whole self along a path that’s walking an integral path and that’s what I
an integral path and that’s what I
an integral path and that’s what I started to do and to name the parts that
started to do and to name the parts that
started to do and to name the parts that were missing I go to integral theory an
were missing I go to integral theory an
were missing I go to integral theory an integral theory is not something you
integral theory is not something you
integral theory is not something you missed in high school calculus it’s
missed in high school calculus it’s
missed in high school calculus it’s actually a developmental model created
actually a developmental model created
actually a developmental model created by the modern philosopher Ken Wilber
by the modern philosopher Ken Wilber
by the modern philosopher Ken Wilber that organizes all human experience into
that organizes all human experience into
that organizes all human experience into four distinct quadrants or domains and
four distinct quadrants or domains and
four distinct quadrants or domains and actions is just one of them when we
actions is just one of them when we
actions is just one of them when we expand our awareness in all four domains
expand our awareness in all four domains
expand our awareness in all four domains when we experiment with practices in all
when we experiment with practices in all
when we experiment with practices in all of them together that’s walking an
of them together that’s walking an
of them together that’s walking an integral path and that’s what keeps the
integral path and that’s what keeps the
integral path and that’s what keeps the curve rising and rising but nine years
curve rising and rising but nine years
curve rising and rising but nine years ago I knew nothing about integral theory
ago I knew nothing about integral theory
ago I knew nothing about integral theory and so I had to get started somewhere to
and so I had to get started somewhere to
and so I had to get started somewhere to start unfolding the pieces and so that
start unfolding the pieces and so that
start unfolding the pieces and so that night inspired supported and prodded by
night inspired supported and prodded by
night inspired supported and prodded by a few of my friends and maybe a little
a few of my friends and maybe a little
a few of my friends and maybe a little bit of alcohol I committed to completing
bit of alcohol I committed to completing
bit of alcohol I committed to completing an Ironman in six months time and I
an Ironman in six months time and I
an Ironman in six months time and I didn’t want this to be yet another box
didn’t want this to be yet another box
didn’t want this to be yet another box checked on my bucket list of life I
checked on my bucket list of life I
checked on my bucket list of life I wanted the training path itself to be
wanted the training path itself to be
wanted the training path itself to be something meaningful something that
something meaningful something that
something meaningful something that would shape me and so I expanded the
would shape me and so I expanded the
would shape me and so I expanded the areas of development and so the areas of
areas of development and so the areas of
areas of development and so the areas of my thoughts and mind the second human
my thoughts and mind the second human
my thoughts and mind the second human domain after swimming biking and running
domain after swimming biking and running
domain after swimming biking and running the mental aspect of triathlon was the
the mental aspect of triathlon was the
the mental aspect of triathlon was the fourth discipline I was training my long
fourth discipline I was training my long
fourth discipline I was training my long training sessions were a form of moving
training sessions were a form of moving
training sessions were a form of moving meditation and despite being in motion I
meditation and despite being in motion I
meditation and despite being in motion I was learning to be still with myself and
was learning to be still with myself and
was learning to be still with myself and free from distraction and in that
free from distraction and in that
free from distraction and in that calmness my self-limiting talk had the
calmness my self-limiting talk had the
calmness my self-limiting talk had the space to rear its ugly head and boy did
space to rear its ugly head and boy did
space to rear its ugly head and boy did it thoughts would rise up like you
it thoughts would rise up like you
it thoughts would rise up like you aren’t an Ironman
aren’t an Ironman
aren’t an Ironman you don’t belong you aren’t even an
you don’t belong you aren’t even an
you don’t belong you aren’t even an athlete that’s for them and a
athlete that’s for them and a
athlete that’s for them and a particularly insidious persistent one
particularly insidious persistent one
particularly insidious persistent one for me was I was never doing enough and
for me was I was never doing enough and
for me was I was never doing enough and in training there was nowhere to put
in training there was nowhere to put
in training there was nowhere to put these thoughts aside and move on to
these thoughts aside and move on to
these thoughts aside and move on to something else I chose to face what was
something else I chose to face what was
something else I chose to face what was coming up and I started a practice of
coming up and I started a practice of
coming up and I started a practice of asking a question does this thought
asking a question does this thought
asking a question does this thought serve me and moving forward or does it
serve me and moving forward or does it
serve me and moving forward or does it keep me where I am today am i growing
keep me where I am today am i growing
keep me where I am today am i growing awareness in this distinction I started
awareness in this distinction I started
awareness in this distinction I started to notice my patterns I could understand
to notice my patterns I could understand
to notice my patterns I could understand them and to begin to shift them six
them and to begin to shift them six
them and to begin to shift them six months later at the finish line of that
months later at the finish line of that
months later at the finish line of that first Ironman to the announcers call
first Ironman to the announcers call
first Ironman to the announcers call Tony Lilly oz you are an Ironman any
Tony Lilly oz you are an Ironman any
Tony Lilly oz you are an Ironman any lingering self-doubt just cracked and
lingering self-doubt just cracked and
lingering self-doubt just cracked and fell away and I was left there with this
fell away and I was left there with this
fell away and I was left there with this question what else are you convincing
question what else are you convincing
question what else are you convincing yourself you can’t be I wasn’t one and
yourself you can’t be I wasn’t one and
yourself you can’t be I wasn’t one and done the person I was shifting into was
done the person I was shifting into was
done the person I was shifting into was looking for the next goal to pull me
looking for the next goal to pull me
looking for the next goal to pull me further down on my path and all the
further down on my path and all the
further down on my path and all the training for this first Ironman I did
training for this first Ironman I did
training for this first Ironman I did alone and I was looking for a group to
alone and I was looking for a group to
alone and I was looking for a group to work with and I thought I had some work
work with and I thought I had some work
work with and I thought I had some work to do in the human domain of
to do in the human domain of
to do in the human domain of relationships and there might be some
relationships and there might be some
relationships and there might be some people here who vote for my need in that
people here who vote for my need in that
people here who vote for my need in that domain
domain
domain so I joined a hundred and fifty year old
so I joined a hundred and fifty year old
so I joined a hundred and fifty year old open water swimming club in San
open water swimming club in San
open water swimming club in San Francisco called the south end rowing
Francisco called the south end rowing
Francisco called the south end rowing club this eclectic group swims every day
club this eclectic group swims every day
club this eclectic group swims every day all year long without wetsuits in the
all year long without wetsuits in the
all year long without wetsuits in the frigid waters of San Francisco Bay with
frigid waters of San Francisco Bay with
frigid waters of San Francisco Bay with Alcatraz looming in the background
Alcatraz looming in the background
Alcatraz looming in the background I literally Dovan to the deep end with
I literally Dovan to the deep end with
I literally Dovan to the deep end with these guys inspired by other Club
these guys inspired by other Club
these guys inspired by other Club members pursuing their own big swims I
members pursuing their own big swims I
members pursuing their own big swims I identified my next stretch goal for
identified my next stretch goal for
identified my next stretch goal for myself to be the first person to swim
myself to be the first person to swim
myself to be the first person to swim across and back the deepest lake in
across and back the deepest lake in
across and back the deepest lake in North America crater lake in Oregon and
North America crater lake in Oregon and
North America crater lake in Oregon and in training for this over the next two
in training for this over the next two
in training for this over the next two years I deepened my mindfulness
years I deepened my mindfulness
years I deepened my mindfulness practices swimming in the sublime waters
practices swimming in the sublime waters
practices swimming in the sublime waters of San Francisco Bay at the dawn with
of San Francisco Bay at the dawn with
of San Francisco Bay at the dawn with the Sun rising up in the domain of
the Sun rising up in the domain of
the Sun rising up in the domain of relationships
relationships
relationships I found myself intertwined in this
I found myself intertwined in this
I found myself intertwined in this quirky loving passionate ball of humans
quirky loving passionate ball of humans
quirky loving passionate ball of humans where we shared so much more than just
where we shared so much more than just
where we shared so much more than just swimming my fiercely independent self
swimming my fiercely independent self
swimming my fiercely independent self was loving melting into being part of
was loving melting into being part of
was loving melting into being part of this interdependent community I joined
this interdependent community I joined
this interdependent community I joined the club looking for a training group
the club looking for a training group
the club looking for a training group and what I found was a family in
and what I found was a family in
and what I found was a family in adventure the fourth human domain is a
adventure the fourth human domain is a
adventure the fourth human domain is a domain of places and that’s the
domain of places and that’s the
domain of places and that’s the environment we spend our time in like
environment we spend our time in like
environment we spend our time in like our homes or our time out in nature and
our homes or our time out in nature and
our homes or our time out in nature and up until this point my time outdoors was
up until this point my time outdoors was
up until this point my time outdoors was limited to a handful of backcountry
limited to a handful of backcountry
limited to a handful of backcountry camping trips and with that little bit
camping trips and with that little bit
camping trips and with that little bit of a taste I was craving a grand
of a taste I was craving a grand
of a taste I was craving a grand adventure in the wild something I could
adventure in the wild something I could
adventure in the wild something I could bring my whole self do something that
bring my whole self do something that
bring my whole self do something that would stretch me in all four domains and
would stretch me in all four domains and
would stretch me in all four domains and that came to me in spades when I was
that came to me in spades when I was
that came to me in spades when I was invited to be part of a historic 42 day
invited to be part of a historic 42 day
invited to be part of a historic 42 day unprecedented expedition to cross the
unprecedented expedition to cross the
unprecedented expedition to cross the Himalayan country of Bhutan to explore
Himalayan country of Bhutan to explore
Himalayan country of Bhutan to explore their policy of gross national happiness
their policy of gross national happiness
their policy of gross national happiness and the experience was transformative I
and the experience was transformative I
and the experience was transformative I came back so alive and so clear I had
came back so alive and so clear I had
came back so alive and so clear I had this new way of being in the world that
this new way of being in the world that
this new way of being in the world that was effortless and natural there was a
was effortless and natural there was a
was effortless and natural there was a an unfolding and a
an unfolding and a
an unfolding and a meaning of who I was Tony the business
meaning of who I was Tony the business
meaning of who I was Tony the business venture guy had expanded into Tony life
venture guy had expanded into Tony life
venture guy had expanded into Tony life is a grand adventure guy and this is how
is a grand adventure guy and this is how
is a grand adventure guy and this is how I came back from Bhutan walking an
I came back from Bhutan walking an
I came back from Bhutan walking an integral path and seeing the four
integral path and seeing the four
integral path and seeing the four domains that way and the domains are
domains that way and the domains are
domains that way and the domains are organized into our individual domains
organized into our individual domains
organized into our individual domains and our collective domains are internal
and our collective domains are internal
and our collective domains are internal unobservable domains in our external
unobservable domains in our external
unobservable domains in our external observable domains we are operating out
observable domains we are operating out
observable domains we are operating out of all four domains all the time but
of all four domains all the time but
of all four domains all the time but most often were completely unaware of at
most often were completely unaware of at
most often were completely unaware of at least three of them each of us have a
least three of them each of us have a
least three of them each of us have a domain we have a bias towards where we
domain we have a bias towards where we
domain we have a bias towards where we like to work out of and for me that’s a
like to work out of and for me that’s a
like to work out of and for me that’s a domain of actions when we find herself
domain of actions when we find herself
domain of actions when we find herself in a place of struggle with limited
in a place of struggle with limited
in a place of struggle with limited options we can feel collapsed can you
options we can feel collapsed can you
options we can feel collapsed can you sense into how this feels for you
sense into how this feels for you
sense into how this feels for you thoughts that rise up a relationship you
thoughts that rise up a relationship you
thoughts that rise up a relationship you might feel like you’re in a rut a
might feel like you’re in a rut a
might feel like you’re in a rut a situation where you don’t know what to
situation where you don’t know what to
situation where you don’t know what to do next or a place that you feel trapped
do next or a place that you feel trapped
do next or a place that you feel trapped or constricted by we go to the domain
or constricted by we go to the domain
or constricted by we go to the domain we’re comfortable with and that’s where
we’re comfortable with and that’s where
we’re comfortable with and that’s where we try to do something about it and if
we try to do something about it and if
we try to do something about it and if we don’t do anything in the other
we don’t do anything in the other
we don’t do anything in the other domains they hold us where we’re at and
domains they hold us where we’re at and
domains they hold us where we’re at and so we have to continue to apply effort
so we have to continue to apply effort
so we have to continue to apply effort to create any sort of change and
to create any sort of change and
to create any sort of change and eventually that gets tiring and often we
eventually that gets tiring and often we
eventually that gets tiring and often we give up when we develop in all four
give up when we develop in all four
give up when we develop in all four domains concurrently there’s an
domains concurrently there’s an
domains concurrently there’s an unfolding that happens a sustainable
unfolding that happens a sustainable
unfolding that happens a sustainable shift that happens from this place
shift that happens from this place
shift that happens from this place there’s more clarity more expansiveness
there’s more clarity more expansiveness
there’s more clarity more expansiveness more choice we have more access to the
more choice we have more access to the
more choice we have more access to the wisdom of our whole
wisdom of our whole
wisdom of our whole person there this would this is what
person there this would this is what
person there this would this is what walking the integral path can yield and
walking the integral path can yield and
walking the integral path can yield and this is how I came back from Bhutan and
this is how I came back from Bhutan and
this is how I came back from Bhutan and in my storytelling of this I’ve
in my storytelling of this I’ve
in my storytelling of this I’ve explained how this happened for me in
explained how this happened for me in
explained how this happened for me in the athletic world but by no means is
the athletic world but by no means is
the athletic world but by no means is this limited to that and the goals I set
this limited to that and the goals I set
this limited to that and the goals I set out were quite lofty and by no means do
out were quite lofty and by no means do
out were quite lofty and by no means do they need to be this lofty at all for
they need to be this lofty at all for
they need to be this lofty at all for example I came back from Bhutan with a
example I came back from Bhutan with a
example I came back from Bhutan with a deepening of appreciation for space and
deepening of appreciation for space and
deepening of appreciation for space and I wanted to cultivate more space in my
I wanted to cultivate more space in my
I wanted to cultivate more space in my life in all four domains more space of
life in all four domains more space of
life in all four domains more space of my thoughts to make clearer decisions
space in my environment to feel wonder
space in my environment to feel wonder and to dream space in my calendar to be
and to dream space in my calendar to be
and to dream space in my calendar to be able to go to dinner the next night
space in my heart to let something
space in my heart to let something unexpected in as a single gay man in my
unexpected in as a single gay man in my
unexpected in as a single gay man in my 40s who always wanted to have family but
40s who always wanted to have family but
40s who always wanted to have family but that was never gonna happen I made a
that was never gonna happen I made a
that was never gonna happen I made a choice to move to Lake Tahoe into a
choice to move to Lake Tahoe into a
choice to move to Lake Tahoe into a house with a couple of extra bedrooms or
house with a couple of extra bedrooms or
house with a couple of extra bedrooms or I could invite friends to stay
I could invite friends to stay
I could invite friends to stay especially those with kids I wanted to
especially those with kids I wanted to
especially those with kids I wanted to step into the role of Uncle Tony and
step into the role of Uncle Tony and
step into the role of Uncle Tony and share in this amazing natural playground
share in this amazing natural playground
share in this amazing natural playground we have in our backyards and pretty
we have in our backyards and pretty
we have in our backyards and pretty quickly my front door became a revolving
quickly my front door became a revolving
quickly my front door became a revolving door with friends coming and going and
door with friends coming and going and
door with friends coming and going and as Uncle Tony I came alive and in all
as Uncle Tony I came alive and in all
as Uncle Tony I came alive and in all this my stories and beliefs around not
this my stories and beliefs around not
this my stories and beliefs around not being able to have a family started to
being able to have a family started to
being able to have a family started to crack and a new story started to emerge
crack and a new story started to emerge
crack and a new story started to emerge a story of unexpected possibility
unexplainably piece by piece by piece
unexplainably piece by piece by piece fell into place to bring forth an
fell into place to bring forth an
fell into place to bring forth an unimaginable future for myself four
unimaginable future for myself four
unimaginable future for myself four years ago my path brought me the
years ago my path brought me the
years ago my path brought me the incredible gift of my daughter
incredible gift of my daughter
incredible gift of my daughter and two years later the gift of my son
and two years later the gift of my son
and two years later the gift of my son and if you ask me that question from
and if you ask me that question from
and if you ask me that question from nine years ago I can tell you my best
nine years ago I can tell you my best
nine years ago I can tell you my best days clearly lied ahead thank you very
days clearly lied ahead thank you very
days clearly lied ahead thank you very much
much
much [Applause]
”
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