thank you so 12 years ago almost to the day actually I was moving into a new
day actually I was moving into a new
day actually I was moving into a new house that I just bought with a
house that I just bought with a
house that I just bought with a girlfriend that had been dating for five
girlfriend that had been dating for five
girlfriend that had been dating for five years and on the day that we were moving
years and on the day that we were moving
years and on the day that we were moving in together I planned on getting engaged
in together I planned on getting engaged
in together I planned on getting engaged I planned on it right so that was the
I planned on it right so that was the
I planned on it right so that was the plan so I got to the house early to sort
plan so I got to the house early to sort
plan so I got to the house early to sort of set the stage and I got there in and
of set the stage and I got there in and
of set the stage and I got there in and laid out some roses from the front door
laid out some roses from the front door
laid out some roses from the front door that led in and I know what you’re
that led in and I know what you’re
that led in and I know what you’re thinking like very cliche but you have
thinking like very cliche but you have
thinking like very cliche but you have to understand I didn’t have Pinterest
to understand I didn’t have Pinterest
to understand I didn’t have Pinterest back then so this was like my best work
back then so this was like my best work
back then so this was like my best work okay
okay
okay so stay with me though so she gets to
so stay with me though so she gets to
so stay with me though so she gets to the house she walks in she follows her
the house she walks in she follows her
the house she walks in she follows her roses okay we’re on set I think like for
roses okay we’re on set I think like for
roses okay we’re on set I think like for women if you lay out roses there’s just
women if you lay out roses there’s just
women if you lay out roses there’s just something in their DNA where they just
something in their DNA where they just
something in their DNA where they just follow so she follows him to the kitchen
follow so she follows him to the kitchen
follow so she follows him to the kitchen and she gets in the kitchen and on the
and she gets in the kitchen and on the
and she gets in the kitchen and on the island is a takeout container from our
island is a takeout container from our
island is a takeout container from our favorite restaurant she opens the
favorite restaurant she opens the
favorite restaurant she opens the container and inside it says you know
container and inside it says you know
container and inside it says you know will you marry me yes no and there’s a
will you marry me yes no and there’s a
will you marry me yes no and there’s a pen hanging and she checks yes right so
pen hanging and she checks yes right so
pen hanging and she checks yes right so we did it okay it’s it gets worse before
we did it okay it’s it gets worse before
we did it okay it’s it gets worse before it gets better
it gets better
it gets better okay so she in that moment for the first
okay so she in that moment for the first
okay so she in that moment for the first time in my life that I can remember I’m
time in my life that I can remember I’m
time in my life that I can remember I’m sort of like outside of me like the
sort of like outside of me like the
sort of like outside of me like the matrix in a way don’t worry it’s not a
matrix in a way don’t worry it’s not a
matrix in a way don’t worry it’s not a wool we would talk so I’m thinking about
wool we would talk so I’m thinking about
wool we would talk so I’m thinking about how I’m feeling I’m sort of like
how I’m feeling I’m sort of like
how I’m feeling I’m sort of like watching us celebrate and I’m really
watching us celebrate and I’m really
watching us celebrate and I’m really observing my feelings and I’m thinking I
observing my feelings and I’m thinking I
observing my feelings and I’m thinking I think I should be more excited than this
think I should be more excited than this
think I should be more excited than this and before I gotten engaged that was
and before I gotten engaged that was
and before I gotten engaged that was actually quite nervous about it I felt
actually quite nervous about it I felt
actually quite nervous about it I felt anxious and so I would talk to people
anxious and so I would talk to people
anxious and so I would talk to people that I really trusted and I asked their
that I really trusted and I asked their
that I really trusted and I asked their advice and they would say things like I
advice and they would say things like I
advice and they would say things like I think you’re just afraid of commitment
think you’re just afraid of commitment
think you’re just afraid of commitment and I thought well maybe I am but maybe
and I thought well maybe I am but maybe
and I thought well maybe I am but maybe it’s something more than that and so I
it’s something more than that and so I
it’s something more than that and so I would spend all my spare moments on the
would spend all my spare moments on the
would spend all my spare moments on the internet searching for things like how
internet searching for things like how
internet searching for things like how do you know if she’s the one ya know
do you know if she’s the one ya know
do you know if she’s the one ya know whose small topic and it would bring me
whose small topic and it would bring me
whose small topic and it would bring me to this website that was called the
to this website that was called the
to this website that was called the runaway bride which no longer exists
runaway bride which no longer exists
runaway bride which no longer exists unfortunately and I posted my story on
unfortunately and I posted my story on
unfortunately and I posted my story on the forum and people on there are people
the forum and people on there are people
the forum and people on there are people who are like going through what I was
who are like going through what I was
who are like going through what I was going through or had been and what was
going through or had been and what was
going through or had been and what was beautiful about it is they didn’t
beautiful about it is they didn’t
beautiful about it is they didn’t care what I chose they just care that I
care what I chose they just care that I
care what I chose they just care that I made a choice that was right for me and
made a choice that was right for me and
made a choice that was right for me and so this one woman she asked me three
so this one woman she asked me three
so this one woman she asked me three questions that would forever change my
questions that would forever change my
questions that would forever change my life and the first question was if she
life and the first question was if she
life and the first question was if she left you tomorrow would you be okay and
left you tomorrow would you be okay and
left you tomorrow would you be okay and I thought yeah I would be okay and the
I thought yeah I would be okay and the
I thought yeah I would be okay and the second question she asked me was can you
second question she asked me was can you
second question she asked me was can you imagine what it would be like waiting
imagine what it would be like waiting
imagine what it would be like waiting for her at your altar whatever your
for her at your altar whatever your
for her at your altar whatever your altar is and I thought no that like made
altar is and I thought no that like made
altar is and I thought no that like made my stomach hurt made me anxious and the
my stomach hurt made me anxious and the
my stomach hurt made me anxious and the third question she asked me was can
third question she asked me was can
third question she asked me was can someone else love her better yeah and
someone else love her better yeah and
someone else love her better yeah and she was worthy of that she was and is a
she was worthy of that she was and is a
she was worthy of that she was and is a amazing woman and it was actually the
amazing woman and it was actually the
amazing woman and it was actually the first time that question was the first
first time that question was the first
first time that question was the first time I ever even considered a situation
time I ever even considered a situation
time I ever even considered a situation outside of my selfish bubble it was like
outside of my selfish bubble it was like
outside of my selfish bubble it was like how’s this gonna affect me what will
how’s this gonna affect me what will
how’s this gonna affect me what will people think if the relationship ends I
people think if the relationship ends I
people think if the relationship ends I don’t want to hurt anyone and it was
don’t want to hurt anyone and it was
don’t want to hurt anyone and it was like wow this fear of stepping into my
like wow this fear of stepping into my
like wow this fear of stepping into my truth or honoring whatever my feelings
truth or honoring whatever my feelings
truth or honoring whatever my feelings were I wasn’t allowing her the
were I wasn’t allowing her the
were I wasn’t allowing her the opportunity to have the relationship she
opportunity to have the relationship she
opportunity to have the relationship she was worthy of so I invite you if you’re
was worthy of so I invite you if you’re
was worthy of so I invite you if you’re in a relationship or even to think of
in a relationship or even to think of
in a relationship or even to think of your past partner to ask yourself can
your past partner to ask yourself can
your past partner to ask yourself can someone else love them better and if the
someone else love them better and if the
someone else love them better and if the answer is yes then of course why are you
answer is yes then of course why are you
answer is yes then of course why are you leaving that gap because if you don’t
leaving that gap because if you don’t
leaving that gap because if you don’t fill it someone else will and of course
fill it someone else will and of course
fill it someone else will and of course the follow-up question to that is do you
the follow-up question to that is do you
the follow-up question to that is do you want to and for me I didn’t want to and
want to and for me I didn’t want to and
want to and for me I didn’t want to and I didn’t know why I just knew that I
I didn’t know why I just knew that I
I didn’t know why I just knew that I didn’t want to and my truth was that I
didn’t want to and my truth was that I
didn’t want to and my truth was that I needed to end the relationship so I did
needed to end the relationship so I did
needed to end the relationship so I did but on the ending on the day that that
but on the ending on the day that that
but on the ending on the day that that engagement story ended that part of my
engagement story ended that part of my
engagement story ended that part of my story was sort of like the beginning of
story was sort of like the beginning of
story was sort of like the beginning of this amazing journey that has brought me
this amazing journey that has brought me
this amazing journey that has brought me to the stage today I since that moment
to the stage today I since that moment
to the stage today I since that moment have been obsessed with understanding
have been obsessed with understanding
have been obsessed with understanding relationships with understanding the
relationships with understanding the
relationships with understanding the science and psychology of why they work
science and psychology of why they work
science and psychology of why they work and why they don’t and why are we
and why they don’t and why are we
and why they don’t and why are we attracted to people who are not good for
attracted to people who are not good for
attracted to people who are not good for us often and why when things are
us often and why when things are
us often and why when things are terribly bad do we have such a problem
terribly bad do we have such a problem
terribly bad do we have such a problem leaving relationships if we even do and
leaving relationships if we even do and
leaving relationships if we even do and why when someone’s actually ready to
why when someone’s actually ready to
why when someone’s actually ready to show up for us and love us we’re like
show up for us and love us we’re like
show up for us and love us we’re like they’re too nice right and it’s
they’re too nice right and it’s
they’re too nice right and it’s unattractive
unattractive
unattractive like that’s messed up and I thought why
like that’s messed up and I thought why
like that’s messed up and I thought why is it that if relationships matter to us
is it that if relationships matter to us
is it that if relationships matter to us so much that we don’t take the time to
so much that we don’t take the time to
so much that we don’t take the time to learn about them and to be really good
learn about them and to be really good
learn about them and to be really good at them now I have the belief that we
at them now I have the belief that we
at them now I have the belief that we are all obsessed with relationships
are all obsessed with relationships
are all obsessed with relationships because no matter where I go coffee
because no matter where I go coffee
because no matter where I go coffee shops the seawall people are talking
shops the seawall people are talking
shops the seawall people are talking about their relationship stuff they will
about their relationship stuff they will
about their relationship stuff they will pin you against the wall if you ask how
pin you against the wall if you ask how
pin you against the wall if you ask how is your relationship and I don’t have
is your relationship and I don’t have
is your relationship and I don’t have the research to support this statement
the research to support this statement
the research to support this statement but I am almost certain that more coffee
but I am almost certain that more coffee
but I am almost certain that more coffee and wine is consumed on the subject of
and wine is consumed on the subject of
and wine is consumed on the subject of and the recovery from relationships
and the recovery from relationships
and the recovery from relationships right than anything else so I might
right than anything else so I might
right than anything else so I might decline sales in those areas after this
decline sales in those areas after this
decline sales in those areas after this talk hopefully so if we’re so obsessed
talk hopefully so if we’re so obsessed
talk hopefully so if we’re so obsessed with it why because when relationships
with it why because when relationships
with it why because when relationships are great they’re amazing I love this
are great they’re amazing I love this
are great they’re amazing I love this painting from lorem bans and Martin
painting from lorem bans and Martin
painting from lorem bans and Martin because it’s everything it’s why we’re
because it’s everything it’s why we’re
because it’s everything it’s why we’re here we’re here to connect but when
here we’re here to connect but when
here we’re here to connect but when relationships don’t work they’re
relationships don’t work they’re
relationships don’t work they’re devastatingly painful relationships
devastatingly painful relationships
devastatingly painful relationships literally love literally affects our
literally love literally affects our
literally love literally affects our hearts in a study where they took people
hearts in a study where they took people
hearts in a study where they took people and they gave them a wound on their arm
and they gave them a wound on their arm
and they gave them a wound on their arm they saw that if they were in high
they saw that if they were in high
they saw that if they were in high conflict relationships they actually
conflict relationships they actually
conflict relationships they actually healed slower and John Gottman who’s
healed slower and John Gottman who’s
healed slower and John Gottman who’s like the godfather of release that’s my
like the godfather of release that’s my
like the godfather of release that’s my gum otherwise he’s the Godfather of
gum otherwise he’s the Godfather of
gum otherwise he’s the Godfather of relationship research I know it wasn’t
relationship research I know it wasn’t
relationship research I know it wasn’t good he he saw that if he was observing
good he he saw that if he was observing
good he he saw that if he was observing a couple that were seemingly fine and he
a couple that were seemingly fine and he
a couple that were seemingly fine and he measured their physiological responses
measured their physiological responses
measured their physiological responses if they were in a high conflict
if they were in a high conflict
if they were in a high conflict relationship they actually their bodies
relationship they actually their bodies
relationship they actually their bodies were responding like they were beside a
were responding like they were beside a
were responding like they were beside a tiger it’s not crazy our bodies don’t
tiger it’s not crazy our bodies don’t
tiger it’s not crazy our bodies don’t know the difference between a
know the difference between a
know the difference between a high-stress job a high-stress life and a
high-stress job a high-stress life and a
high-stress job a high-stress life and a high-stress relationship so you imagine
high-stress relationship so you imagine
high-stress relationship so you imagine if it just affects a small wound on your
if it just affects a small wound on your
if it just affects a small wound on your arm that healing what does it do when
arm that healing what does it do when
arm that healing what does it do when we’re fighting things like heart disease
we’re fighting things like heart disease
we’re fighting things like heart disease or cancer and if really bad
or cancer and if really bad
or cancer and if really bad relationships or challenging ones can
relationships or challenging ones can
relationships or challenging ones can affect our health in a negative way can
affect our health in a negative way can
affect our health in a negative way can positive ones help us heal maybe or
positive ones help us heal maybe or
positive ones help us heal maybe or preserve our health and the answer is
preserve our health and the answer is
preserve our health and the answer is yes in the longest-running study
yes in the longest-running study
yes in the longest-running study unhappiness the Harvard men’s study
unhappiness the Harvard men’s study
unhappiness the Harvard men’s study which now includes women
which now includes women
which now includes women about time they saw that it wasn’t your
about time they saw that it wasn’t your
about time they saw that it wasn’t your blood pressure your cholesterol that
blood pressure your cholesterol that
blood pressure your cholesterol that predicted your health at 80 it was the
predicted your health at 80 it was the
predicted your health at 80 it was the quality of your relationships at 50 yeah
quality of your relationships at 50 yeah
quality of your relationships at 50 yeah but not just romantic relationships
but not just romantic relationships
but not just romantic relationships relationships of all kinds friendship
relationships of all kinds friendship
relationships of all kinds friendship family because the skill set of being
family because the skill set of being
family because the skill set of being able to connect to another human being
able to connect to another human being
able to connect to another human being and communicate effectively is the most
and communicate effectively is the most
and communicate effectively is the most important skill we can develop and the
important skill we can develop and the
important skill we can develop and the other thing is love with another person
other thing is love with another person
other thing is love with another person it’s probably the most challenging thing
it’s probably the most challenging thing
it’s probably the most challenging thing that we’ll all face because love
that we’ll all face because love
that we’ll all face because love requires us to look at the things were
requires us to look at the things were
requires us to look at the things were not good at it requires us to accept
not good at it requires us to accept
not good at it requires us to accept them and you know the areas of
them and you know the areas of
them and you know the areas of development that work talked to us about
development that work talked to us about
development that work talked to us about we have relational areas of development
we have relational areas of development
we have relational areas of development – and you know really deeply fulfilling
– and you know really deeply fulfilling
– and you know really deeply fulfilling loving relationships require so much
loving relationships require so much
loving relationships require so much humility but they also require so much
humility but they also require so much
humility but they also require so much more courage when we actually begin this
more courage when we actually begin this
more courage when we actually begin this journey of understanding which I did and
journey of understanding which I did and
journey of understanding which I did and I didn’t know it was called this till I
I didn’t know it was called this till I
I didn’t know it was called this till I got to this stage of my career
got to this stage of my career
got to this stage of my career um building relational awareness
um building relational awareness
um building relational awareness essentially like that’s a fancy way of
essentially like that’s a fancy way of
essentially like that’s a fancy way of saying like what is my stuff and then
saying like what is my stuff and then
saying like what is my stuff and then how does my stuff play with their stuff
how does my stuff play with their stuff
how does my stuff play with their stuff which actually sounds dirty when I think
which actually sounds dirty when I think
which actually sounds dirty when I think about it but
about it but
about it but my stuff yourself but it’s like what is
my stuff yourself but it’s like what is
my stuff yourself but it’s like what is my stuff and what is their stuff and how
my stuff and what is their stuff and how
my stuff and what is their stuff and how does it relate and anyone we relate to
does it relate and anyone we relate to
does it relate and anyone we relate to our stuff relates to and when we
our stuff relates to and when we
our stuff relates to and when we actually look at the research on why we
actually look at the research on why we
actually look at the research on why we do what we do we see that about 95 to 99
do what we do we see that about 95 to 99
do what we do we see that about 95 to 99 percent of what we do is subconscious
percent of what we do is subconscious
percent of what we do is subconscious that crazy 1 to 5 percent of what we do
that crazy 1 to 5 percent of what we do
that crazy 1 to 5 percent of what we do is conscious that doesn’t seem good
is conscious that doesn’t seem good
is conscious that doesn’t seem good right and so what’s happening is from
right and so what’s happening is from
right and so what’s happening is from the from birth to around 7 we are
the from birth to around 7 we are
the from birth to around 7 we are literally learning how to walk and how
literally learning how to walk and how
literally learning how to walk and how to talk obviously that’s important but
to talk obviously that’s important but
to talk obviously that’s important but we’re learning how to be part of a
we’re learning how to be part of a
we’re learning how to be part of a society we’re learning how to be part of
society we’re learning how to be part of
society we’re learning how to be part of a culture we’re learning how to be a
a culture we’re learning how to be a
a culture we’re learning how to be a part of a religion we’re learning how to
part of a religion we’re learning how to
part of a religion we’re learning how to be part of a family we’re essentially
be part of a family we’re essentially
be part of a family we’re essentially learning how to fit in we’re learning
learning how to fit in we’re learning
learning how to fit in we’re learning how to become who we need to be in order
how to become who we need to be in order
how to become who we need to be in order to be loved by the people around us and
to be loved by the people around us and
to be loved by the people around us and in some way we’re abandoning ourselves
in some way we’re abandoning ourselves
in some way we’re abandoning ourselves our true selves in some sense we’re
our true selves in some sense we’re
our true selves in some sense we’re learning what it means as we heard
learning what it means as we heard
learning what it means as we heard earlier to be a little boy or a little
earlier to be a little boy or a little
earlier to be a little boy or a little girl we’re learning what our
girl we’re learning what our
girl we’re learning what our relationships are supposed to look like
relationships are supposed to look like
relationships are supposed to look like we’re learning how we’re supposed to act
we’re learning how we’re supposed to act
we’re learning how we’re supposed to act in relationships if you think about our
in relationships if you think about our
in relationships if you think about our minds being like a computer these are
minds being like a computer these are
minds being like a computer these are sort of the background the programs that
sort of the background the programs that
sort of the background the programs that are running in the background I don’t
are running in the background I don’t
are running in the background I don’t know about you and this will likely be
know about you and this will likely be
know about you and this will likely be the only time I ever say this but I
the only time I ever say this but I
the only time I ever say this but I actually want to be the programmer like
actually want to be the programmer like
actually want to be the programmer like this is the only time that I really want
this is the only time that I really want
this is the only time that I really want to get into this we have to understand
to get into this we have to understand
to get into this we have to understand what they are because they shape what we
what they are because they shape what we
what they are because they shape what we choose and in order to do that we have
choose and in order to do that we have
choose and in order to do that we have to start to look at our childhood until
to start to look at our childhood until
to start to look at our childhood until I am NOT gonna elect Freud you on the
I am NOT gonna elect Freud you on the
I am NOT gonna elect Freud you on the couch right now but this is me as a
couch right now but this is me as a
couch right now but this is me as a little boy and I was forced to ask
little boy and I was forced to ask
little boy and I was forced to ask myself some challenging questions like
myself some challenging questions like
myself some challenging questions like what did I observe and what was I
what did I observe and what was I
what did I observe and what was I explicitly taught about relationships in
explicitly taught about relationships in
explicitly taught about relationships in communication and invite you to explore
communication and invite you to explore
communication and invite you to explore that too because it matters a lot I
that too because it matters a lot I
that too because it matters a lot I think some of the messages I was sent
think some of the messages I was sent
think some of the messages I was sent was like get married by 25 to 27 have
was like get married by 25 to 27 have
was like get married by 25 to 27 have kids by 30 and if you don’t do that
kids by 30 and if you don’t do that
kids by 30 and if you don’t do that you’re kind of broken or men are bad at
you’re kind of broken or men are bad at
you’re kind of broken or men are bad at communicating men are afraid of
communicating men are afraid of
communicating men are afraid of commitment I got don’t don’t do an arts
commitment I got don’t don’t do an arts
commitment I got don’t don’t do an arts degree cuz they don’t make money to a
degree cuz they don’t make money to a
degree cuz they don’t make money to a business degree or become a lawyer or
business degree or become a lawyer or
business degree or become a lawyer or doctor cuz you’re gonna have to be a
doctor cuz you’re gonna have to be a
doctor cuz you’re gonna have to be a good provider there’s so many messages
good provider there’s so many messages
good provider there’s so many messages that we receive and they don’t just come
that we receive and they don’t just come
that we receive and they don’t just come from family they
from family they
from family they from marketing as well this is an actual
from marketing as well this is an actual
from marketing as well this is an actual booklet from the 1950s right learn how
booklet from the 1950s right learn how
booklet from the 1950s right learn how to train your wife in five easy lessons
to train your wife in five easy lessons
to train your wife in five easy lessons which we know is obviously misleading
which we know is obviously misleading
which we know is obviously misleading because it’s way more lessons than that
because it’s way more lessons than that
because it’s way more lessons than that I was like how’s that joke gonna go I’m
I was like how’s that joke gonna go I’m
I was like how’s that joke gonna go I’m not sure um especially after the Marines
not sure um especially after the Marines
not sure um especially after the Marines talked earlier so but look at this so
talked earlier so but look at this so
talked earlier so but look at this so teach her how to fetch your slippers in
teach her how to fetch your slippers in
teach her how to fetch your slippers in pipe this one though sit quietly while
pipe this one though sit quietly while
pipe this one though sit quietly while you browse your favorite TV stations or
you browse your favorite TV stations or
you browse your favorite TV stations or respond to nonverbal cues such as
respond to nonverbal cues such as
respond to nonverbal cues such as snapping of the fingers which I know is
snapping of the fingers which I know is
snapping of the fingers which I know is a quick way to lose my fingers in my
a quick way to lose my fingers in my
a quick way to lose my fingers in my house but all joking aside this is funny
house but all joking aside this is funny
house but all joking aside this is funny but it’s not because imagine being a
but it’s not because imagine being a
but it’s not because imagine being a little boy or a little girl and this is
little boy or a little girl and this is
little boy or a little girl and this is a book on your coffee table what message
a book on your coffee table what message
a book on your coffee table what message does this send and those little boys and
does this send and those little boys and
does this send and those little boys and little girls are our parents or maybe
little girls are our parents or maybe
little girls are our parents or maybe our grandparents or maybe even some of
our grandparents or maybe even some of
our grandparents or maybe even some of us when we actually think of relational
us when we actually think of relational
us when we actually think of relational understanding and education unless we
understanding and education unless we
understanding and education unless we seek outside education on communication
seek outside education on communication
seek outside education on communication and relationships the education we get
and relationships the education we get
and relationships the education we get is from our family right and so if we’ve
is from our family right and so if we’ve
is from our family right and so if we’ve never seen conflict turned into intimacy
never seen conflict turned into intimacy
never seen conflict turned into intimacy how would we know how and so if you just
how would we know how and so if you just
how would we know how and so if you just look at your family tree and you go up
look at your family tree and you go up
look at your family tree and you go up five generations and assume no divorce
five generations and assume no divorce
five generations and assume no divorce you have 30 people’s stuff funneling
you have 30 people’s stuff funneling
you have 30 people’s stuff funneling into you like bags of luggage just
into you like bags of luggage just
into you like bags of luggage just dropping on you like deal with this
dropping on you like deal with this
dropping on you like deal with this right and then if you’re in a
right and then if you’re in a
right and then if you’re in a relationship with someone you’ve got 30
relationship with someone you’ve got 30
relationship with someone you’ve got 30 people’s stuff coming down here –
people’s stuff coming down here –
people’s stuff coming down here – assuming no divorce and if you’re
assuming no divorce and if you’re
assuming no divorce and if you’re polyamorous you got tons of people’s
polyamorous you got tons of people’s
polyamorous you got tons of people’s stuff and you got that’s a whole other
stuff and you got that’s a whole other
stuff and you got that’s a whole other bag but so you have 30 people’s stuff
bag but so you have 30 people’s stuff
bag but so you have 30 people’s stuff and then you got this person with 30
and then you got this person with 30
and then you got this person with 30 people stuff and you’re like why your
people stuff and you’re like why your
people stuff and you’re like why your stuff like of all the people I see in
stuff like of all the people I see in
stuff like of all the people I see in this u-haul you’re towing a senior
this u-haul you’re towing a senior
this u-haul you’re towing a senior family why you but I think you’re you’re
family why you but I think you’re you’re
family why you but I think you’re you’re yeah I want this but why right and you
yeah I want this but why right and you
yeah I want this but why right and you hear people say things like um I never
hear people say things like um I never
hear people say things like um I never want to become like my parents and then
want to become like my parents and then
want to become like my parents and then inevitably the relationships become
inevitably the relationships become
inevitably the relationships become exactly like their parents are you hear
exactly like their parents are you hear
exactly like their parents are you hear you marry your opposite sex parent right
you marry your opposite sex parent right
you marry your opposite sex parent right but that’s not entirely true we are
but that’s not entirely true we are
but that’s not entirely true we are attracted
attracted
attracted to intend to choose people who wound us
to intend to choose people who wound us
to intend to choose people who wound us in a similar way as a parent who wounded
in a similar way as a parent who wounded
in a similar way as a parent who wounded us the most or somebody raised us so
us the most or somebody raised us so
us the most or somebody raised us so what is a wound okay so a wound is any
what is a wound okay so a wound is any
what is a wound okay so a wound is any need that doesn’t get adequately met and
need that doesn’t get adequately met and
need that doesn’t get adequately met and now we can’t possibly get all their
now we can’t possibly get all their
now we can’t possibly get all their needs met so let’s just get that clear
needs met so let’s just get that clear
needs met so let’s just get that clear so as a kid though you don’t even have
so as a kid though you don’t even have
so as a kid though you don’t even have language for the first part of your life
language for the first part of your life
language for the first part of your life so you can’t possibly express it anyway
so you can’t possibly express it anyway
so you can’t possibly express it anyway so none of us escape childhood without
so none of us escape childhood without
so none of us escape childhood without wounds so there’s this guy Claire we’re
wounds so there’s this guy Claire we’re
wounds so there’s this guy Claire we’re all no wound sharing this is the trust
all no wound sharing this is the trust
all no wound sharing this is the trust treat okay so you can think about a
treat okay so you can think about a
treat okay so you can think about a wound being like when you’re when you
wound being like when you’re when you
wound being like when you’re when you touch your hand to the stove and you
touch your hand to the stove and you
touch your hand to the stove and you burn your hand you change the way
burn your hand you change the way
burn your hand you change the way hopefully you behave around the stove
hopefully you behave around the stove
hopefully you behave around the stove and the same is true for love when you
and the same is true for love when you
and the same is true for love when you burn your heart even as a child you
burn your heart even as a child you
burn your heart even as a child you change your behavior around love and so
change your behavior around love and so
change your behavior around love and so why do we choose these people and what
why do we choose these people and what
why do we choose these people and what I’ve noticed from just working with
I’ve noticed from just working with
I’ve noticed from just working with thousands of people now the answer to
thousands of people now the answer to
thousands of people now the answer to this question is consistently related to
this question is consistently related to
this question is consistently related to what drives us in love and the question
what drives us in love and the question
what drives us in love and the question is what I wanted most as a child and
is what I wanted most as a child and
is what I wanted most as a child and didn’t get was so think about that what
didn’t get was so think about that what
didn’t get was so think about that what I wanted most as a child and I didn’t
I wanted most as a child and I didn’t
I wanted most as a child and I didn’t get was now the answer to this question
get was now the answer to this question
get was now the answer to this question will be the thing we tend to long for
will be the thing we tend to long for
will be the thing we tend to long for most from our partner now for most of us
most from our partner now for most of us
most from our partner now for most of us the answer to this question will be
the answer to this question will be
the answer to this question will be something like to feel chosen to be
something like to feel chosen to be
something like to feel chosen to be important to feel understood to feel
important to feel understood to feel
important to feel understood to feel safe to feel like I’m enough this will
safe to feel like I’m enough this will
safe to feel like I’m enough this will be the thing we most want from them and
be the thing we most want from them and
be the thing we most want from them and now it’s not one-sided right where it’s
now it’s not one-sided right where it’s
now it’s not one-sided right where it’s like it’s not me it’s you there’s like
like it’s not me it’s you there’s like
like it’s not me it’s you there’s like they’ll want something from us to you
they’ll want something from us to you
they’ll want something from us to you know be nice if it was just but it’s no
know be nice if it was just but it’s no
know be nice if it was just but it’s no it’s both sided now what can happen is
it’s both sided now what can happen is
it’s both sided now what can happen is the opposite and what I mean by that is
the opposite and what I mean by that is
the opposite and what I mean by that is if we had a parent who wasn’t around or
if we had a parent who wasn’t around or
if we had a parent who wasn’t around or left or just was withdrawn
left or just was withdrawn
left or just was withdrawn we might be attracted to people who are
we might be attracted to people who are
we might be attracted to people who are overwhelming and smothering maybe
overwhelming and smothering maybe
overwhelming and smothering maybe controlling but balance is not found on
controlling but balance is not found on
controlling but balance is not found on the other end of the pendulum it’s found
the other end of the pendulum it’s found
the other end of the pendulum it’s found in the middle right so the answer to
in the middle right so the answer to
in the middle right so the answer to this question is so powerful in building
this question is so powerful in building
this question is so powerful in building our relational awareness because we
our relational awareness because we
our relational awareness because we begin to understand what it is that
begin to understand what it is that
begin to understand what it is that drives us and what we want in
drives us and what we want in
drives us and what we want in relationship what we’re constantly
relationship what we’re constantly
relationship what we’re constantly seeking and then because what were
seeking and then because what were
seeking and then because what were we’re seeking to heal it in a way I like
we’re seeking to heal it in a way I like
we’re seeking to heal it in a way I like to call it wound chemistry because we’re
to call it wound chemistry because we’re
to call it wound chemistry because we’re seeking the mistake we’d be making up
seeking the mistake we’d be making up
seeking the mistake we’d be making up until this point for the most part is
until this point for the most part is
until this point for the most part is that we’ve been waiting for someone else
that we’ve been waiting for someone else
that we’ve been waiting for someone else to give it to us we’ve been waiting for
to give it to us we’ve been waiting for
to give it to us we’ve been waiting for someone else to choose us someone else
someone else to choose us someone else
someone else to choose us someone else to prioritize it someone else to love us
to prioritize it someone else to love us
to prioritize it someone else to love us but the healing comes from us doing it
but the healing comes from us doing it
but the healing comes from us doing it we are choosing these people and they’re
we are choosing these people and they’re
we are choosing these people and they’re wounding us because they’re inviting us
wounding us because they’re inviting us
wounding us because they’re inviting us to heal and when we do that we take all
to heal and when we do that we take all
to heal and when we do that we take all these inherited familial patterns and we
these inherited familial patterns and we
these inherited familial patterns and we begin to heal we begin to heal our
begin to heal we begin to heal our
begin to heal we begin to heal our family the answer to this question is so
family the answer to this question is so
family the answer to this question is so powerful because when we do the healing
powerful because when we do the healing
powerful because when we do the healing we take the responsibility away from the
we take the responsibility away from the
we take the responsibility away from the people we’re pursuing or our partners so
people we’re pursuing or our partners so
people we’re pursuing or our partners so they can just love us when we do this we
they can just love us when we do this we
they can just love us when we do this we begin to take massive responsibility for
begin to take massive responsibility for
begin to take massive responsibility for our relationships I mean we don’t get to
our relationships I mean we don’t get to
our relationships I mean we don’t get to choose what family were born into
choose what family were born into
choose what family were born into although there are some existential
although there are some existential
although there are some existential views that we do choose a family but
views that we do choose a family but
views that we do choose a family but that’s a whole other TED talk so what I
that’s a whole other TED talk so what I
that’s a whole other TED talk so what I say you don’t get to choose your family
say you don’t get to choose your family
say you don’t get to choose your family and you don’t get to choose necessarily
and you don’t get to choose necessarily
and you don’t get to choose necessarily everything that happens to you and you
everything that happens to you and you
everything that happens to you and you can’t change your past none of us can
can’t change your past none of us can
can’t change your past none of us can change our past but we are responsible
change our past but we are responsible
change our past but we are responsible for everything that we have we’re
for everything that we have we’re
for everything that we have we’re responsible for everything that’s on our
responsible for everything that’s on our
responsible for everything that’s on our plate and when we do that we take these
plate and when we do that we take these
plate and when we do that we take these patterns that we’ve inherited and we
patterns that we’ve inherited and we
patterns that we’ve inherited and we change them we change them by changing
change them we change them by changing
change them we change them by changing ourselves these wounds occurred in
ourselves these wounds occurred in
ourselves these wounds occurred in relationship and that’s where they get
relationship and that’s where they get
relationship and that’s where they get healed I love this statue from Burning
healed I love this statue from Burning
healed I love this statue from Burning Man 2015 by Alexander me love because
Man 2015 by Alexander me love because
Man 2015 by Alexander me love because this is all of us right whenever I see
this is all of us right whenever I see
this is all of us right whenever I see this picture I’m just like whoa because
this picture I’m just like whoa because
this picture I’m just like whoa because as adults we get angry right we get
as adults we get angry right we get
as adults we get angry right we get upset we yell we would draw and we turn
upset we yell we would draw and we turn
upset we yell we would draw and we turn our backs when really in all of us is
our backs when really in all of us is
our backs when really in all of us is this child that says love me connect
this child that says love me connect
this child that says love me connect with me
with me
with me don’t turn your back our work is not to
don’t turn your back our work is not to
don’t turn your back our work is not to learn how to love because we’re born
learn how to love because we’re born
learn how to love because we’re born knowing that is to learn how to remove
knowing that is to learn how to remove
knowing that is to learn how to remove the barriers we have to love it’s to
the barriers we have to love it’s to
the barriers we have to love it’s to actually give this child a voice it’s to
actually give this child a voice it’s to
actually give this child a voice it’s to give birth to this child who is in all
give birth to this child who is in all
give birth to this child who is in all of us the person that we in some ways or
of us the person that we in some ways or
of us the person that we in some ways or maybe a lot of ways left behind when we
maybe a lot of ways left behind when we
maybe a lot of ways left behind when we were becoming who
were becoming who
were becoming who to be in order to be loved by the people
to be in order to be loved by the people
to be in order to be loved by the people around us there is no magic pill to
around us there is no magic pill to
around us there is no magic pill to relationships right we’re trying to hack
relationships right we’re trying to hack
relationships right we’re trying to hack everything you can’t hack relationships
everything you can’t hack relationships
everything you can’t hack relationships I’m sorry but if when we actually do the
I’m sorry but if when we actually do the
I’m sorry but if when we actually do the work when we actually build relational
work when we actually build relational
work when we actually build relational awareness when we understand what our
awareness when we understand what our
awareness when we understand what our stuff is and how it relates any of us
stuff is and how it relates any of us
stuff is and how it relates any of us can have amazing relationships any one
can have amazing relationships any one
can have amazing relationships any one of us when my engagement ended 12 years
of us when my engagement ended 12 years
of us when my engagement ended 12 years ago I asked myself how did I get so
ago I asked myself how did I get so
ago I asked myself how did I get so disconnected from me and the answer was
disconnected from me and the answer was
disconnected from me and the answer was so simple it was that I avoided every
so simple it was that I avoided every
so simple it was that I avoided every hard conversation so I want to ask you
hard conversation so I want to ask you
hard conversation so I want to ask you what hard conversations are you avoiding
what hard conversations are you avoiding
what hard conversations are you avoiding I made the promise on the day of that
I made the promise on the day of that
I made the promise on the day of that realization and it was a very hard
realization and it was a very hard
realization and it was a very hard promise to keep that I would have every
promise to keep that I would have every
promise to keep that I would have every conversation I didn’t want to have
conversation I didn’t want to have
conversation I didn’t want to have because those are the ones that matter
because those are the ones that matter
because those are the ones that matter we avoid hard conversations because as a
we avoid hard conversations because as a
we avoid hard conversations because as a society and a culture we have made being
society and a culture we have made being
society and a culture we have made being in a relationship more important than
in a relationship more important than
in a relationship more important than being honest and truthful just look at
being honest and truthful just look at
being honest and truthful just look at how we celebrate anniversaries instead
how we celebrate anniversaries instead
how we celebrate anniversaries instead of the depth of connection if we want to
of the depth of connection if we want to
of the depth of connection if we want to have deeply fulfilling relationships we
have deeply fulfilling relationships we
have deeply fulfilling relationships we have to be willing to have very hard
have to be willing to have very hard
have to be willing to have very hard conversations with ourselves and so I
conversations with ourselves and so I
conversations with ourselves and so I invite you to consider are you doing
invite you to consider are you doing
invite you to consider are you doing your best
your best
your best are you living and loving at your best
are you living and loving at your best
are you living and loving at your best and if you’re not why like now is the
and if you’re not why like now is the
and if you’re not why like now is the time I teach relationships and
time I teach relationships and
time I teach relationships and relational wellness and how to be
relational wellness and how to be
relational wellness and how to be awesome at them because how we love
awesome at them because how we love
awesome at them because how we love matters so much and when we actually do
matters so much and when we actually do
matters so much and when we actually do this work for you don’t just heal
this work for you don’t just heal
this work for you don’t just heal ourselves and not just the family tree
ourselves and not just the family tree
ourselves and not just the family tree of all the people that and drop their
of all the people that and drop their
of all the people that and drop their bags on us but we also killed the
bags on us but we also killed the
bags on us but we also killed the generations that come after us we heal
generations that come after us we heal
generations that come after us we heal our children and when we do that we free
our children and when we do that we free
our children and when we do that we free them to live the life that they’re
them to live the life that they’re
them to live the life that they’re worthy of living so they don’t have to
worthy of living so they don’t have to
worthy of living so they don’t have to spend it recovering from their childhood
spend it recovering from their childhood
spend it recovering from their childhood thank you
thank you
thank you [Applause]
”
Be First to Comment