[Applause] so two months ago I was in a classroom
so two months ago I was in a classroom
so two months ago I was in a classroom when we were discussing leadership and
when we were discussing leadership and
when we were discussing leadership and our teacher said to us the person excuse
our teacher said to us the person excuse
our teacher said to us the person excuse me our teacher said to us the family a
me our teacher said to us the family a
me our teacher said to us the family a person comes from says a lot about their
person comes from says a lot about their
person comes from says a lot about their leadership ability and then he asked us
leadership ability and then he asked us
leadership ability and then he asked us this do you really want a person from a
this do you really want a person from a
this do you really want a person from a dysfunctional family leading our school
dysfunctional family leading our school
dysfunctional family leading our school I proudly come from a dysfunctional
I proudly come from a dysfunctional
I proudly come from a dysfunctional family my father was a heroin addict so
family my father was a heroin addict so
family my father was a heroin addict so by the age of six I knew that my family
by the age of six I knew that my family
by the age of six I knew that my family was a little different from everyone
was a little different from everyone
was a little different from everyone else’s
else’s
else’s now I instinctively knew not to tell
now I instinctively knew not to tell
now I instinctively knew not to tell people that my dad forgot my birthday
people that my dad forgot my birthday
people that my dad forgot my birthday but there were also things I was
but there were also things I was
but there were also things I was directly told not to tell people like
directly told not to tell people like
directly told not to tell people like our van trip to deliver a bag of dog
our van trip to deliver a bag of dog
our van trip to deliver a bag of dog food an hour into the city to someone
food an hour into the city to someone
food an hour into the city to someone with no dog or his new job that paid
with no dog or his new job that paid
with no dog or his new job that paid cash out of a broken window well then I
cash out of a broken window well then I
cash out of a broken window well then I turned eight and my father went missing
turned eight and my father went missing
turned eight and my father went missing I was in the second grade and I had a
I was in the second grade and I had a
I was in the second grade and I had a best friend named Caitlin and we did
best friend named Caitlin and we did
best friend named Caitlin and we did everything together I went over to her
everything together I went over to her
everything together I went over to her house almost every day after school and
house almost every day after school and
house almost every day after school and her mom would watch me while my mom was
her mom would watch me while my mom was
her mom would watch me while my mom was at work I inner with them I went to
at work I inner with them I went to
at work I inner with them I went to church camps with them and it got to the
church camps with them and it got to the
church camps with them and it got to the point that Caitlin’s house started to
point that Caitlin’s house started to
point that Caitlin’s house started to feel like mine too well one day my
feel like mine too well one day my
feel like mine too well one day my mother mentioned to Caitlyn’s mother
mother mentioned to Caitlyn’s mother
mother mentioned to Caitlyn’s mother that my father was a drug addict who had
that my father was a drug addict who had
that my father was a drug addict who had disappeared and as I was standing
disappeared and as I was standing
disappeared and as I was standing outside waiting to be picked up from
outside waiting to be picked up from
outside waiting to be picked up from school Caitlin’s little sister ran up to
school Caitlin’s little sister ran up to
school Caitlin’s little sister ran up to give me a hug and her father grabbed her
give me a hug and her father grabbed her
give me a hug and her father grabbed her and dragged her away from me like I was
and dragged her away from me like I was
and dragged her away from me like I was a monster and that was the last time I
a monster and that was the last time I
a monster and that was the last time I ever stepped foot in their house I lost
ever stepped foot in their house I lost
ever stepped foot in their house I lost my best friend so at eight I learned to
my best friend so at eight I learned to
my best friend so at eight I learned to be very ashamed of my family’s
be very ashamed of my family’s
be very ashamed of my family’s dysfunction well five years later I’m a
dysfunction well five years later I’m a
dysfunction well five years later I’m a junior high and I’d gotten so good at
junior high and I’d gotten so good at
junior high and I’d gotten so good at lying that I could convince all my
lying that I could convince all my
lying that I could convince all my friends my dad was around and it was at
friends my dad was around and it was at
friends my dad was around and it was at this point that my counselor because
this point that my counselor because
this point that my counselor because people with dysfunction tend to have
people with dysfunction tend to have
people with dysfunction tend to have those told me that this lying was
those told me that this lying was
those told me that this lying was extremely unhealthy and that the reason
extremely unhealthy and that the reason
extremely unhealthy and that the reason I felt alone every day of my life was
I felt alone every day of my life was
I felt alone every day of my life was because I believe that if my friends
because I believe that if my friends
because I believe that if my friends knew who my father was they would never
knew who my father was they would never
knew who my father was they would never speak to me again
speak to me again
speak to me again so she insisted that I tell someone
so she insisted that I tell someone
so she insisted that I tell someone about my
about my
about my dad so now at 13 I’ve learned that
dad so now at 13 I’ve learned that
dad so now at 13 I’ve learned that hiding dysfunction is unhealthy so I
hiding dysfunction is unhealthy so I
hiding dysfunction is unhealthy so I took her advice and I called up my best
took her advice and I called up my best
took her advice and I called up my best friend my first boyfriend at 13 he was
friend my first boyfriend at 13 he was
friend my first boyfriend at 13 he was really cute and and I called him up and
really cute and and I called him up and
really cute and and I called him up and I was crying and I told him all the
I was crying and I told him all the
I was crying and I told him all the difficult things that I’d been through
difficult things that I’d been through
difficult things that I’d been through and he hung up awkwardly because he was
and he hung up awkwardly because he was
and he hung up awkwardly because he was 12 but for the next week everything went
12 but for the next week everything went
12 but for the next week everything went really well and I didn’t feel alone well
really well and I didn’t feel alone well
really well and I didn’t feel alone well then he started to tell me that I was
then he started to tell me that I was
then he started to tell me that I was just so lucky to have him because I was
just so lucky to have him because I was
just so lucky to have him because I was never gonna have anyone else and that he
never gonna have anyone else and that he
never gonna have anyone else and that he didn’t even want to be with me but I was
didn’t even want to be with me but I was
didn’t even want to be with me but I was so pathetic that he was going to stay
so pathetic that he was going to stay
so pathetic that he was going to stay with me out of pity so now I’m 14 and my
with me out of pity so now I’m 14 and my
with me out of pity so now I’m 14 and my new psychologist tells me that he is
new psychologist tells me that he is
new psychologist tells me that he is verbally and emotionally abusive and I
verbally and emotionally abusive and I
verbally and emotionally abusive and I thought no way no way he couldn’t be
thought no way no way he couldn’t be
thought no way no way he couldn’t be abusive he was my best friend in fact at
abusive he was my best friend in fact at
abusive he was my best friend in fact at that time I thought of him as my only
that time I thought of him as my only
that time I thought of him as my only friend
friend
friend well when she realized that I was
well when she realized that I was
well when she realized that I was ignoring her she told me that if I did
ignoring her she told me that if I did
ignoring her she told me that if I did not break up with him she would break
not break up with him she would break
not break up with him she would break confidentiality and tell my mother I
confidentiality and tell my mother I
confidentiality and tell my mother I broke up with him so then I learned that
broke up with him so then I learned that
broke up with him so then I learned that if you tell a few people about your
if you tell a few people about your
if you tell a few people about your dysfunction it puts it puts you at risk
dysfunction it puts it puts you at risk
dysfunction it puts it puts you at risk to be hurt and manipulated so now I’m 14
to be hurt and manipulated so now I’m 14
to be hurt and manipulated so now I’m 14 years old and I apply to Culver
years old and I apply to Culver
years old and I apply to Culver academies for high school and one of the
academies for high school and one of the
academies for high school and one of the essay questions is how have you
essay questions is how have you
essay questions is how have you approached the biggest challenge in your
approached the biggest challenge in your
approached the biggest challenge in your life well I was ready to lie but Culver
life well I was ready to lie but Culver
life well I was ready to lie but Culver has an honor code so I sucked it up and
has an honor code so I sucked it up and
has an honor code so I sucked it up and I wrote the essay honestly and an
I wrote the essay honestly and an
I wrote the essay honestly and an incredible thing happened I got accepted
incredible thing happened I got accepted
incredible thing happened I got accepted so at 15 for the first time I had been
so at 15 for the first time I had been
so at 15 for the first time I had been taught that you didn’t have to hide your
taught that you didn’t have to hide your
taught that you didn’t have to hide your dysfunction and I thought that I was old
dysfunction and I thought that I was old
dysfunction and I thought that I was old enough to be judged on Who I am
enough to be judged on Who I am
enough to be judged on Who I am and never again on how I grew up and
and never again on how I grew up and
and never again on how I grew up and optimistically I believed that for a
optimistically I believed that for a
optimistically I believed that for a whole year which is really long at 16
whole year which is really long at 16
whole year which is really long at 16 and then two months ago I walked into my
and then two months ago I walked into my
and then two months ago I walked into my favorite class which was taught by a
favorite class which was taught by a
favorite class which was taught by a teacher who knew how I grew up because
teacher who knew how I grew up because
teacher who knew how I grew up because he had put out an assignment that
he had put out an assignment that
he had put out an assignment that required we share our backstories with
required we share our backstories with
required we share our backstories with the class and when he said
the class and when he said
the class and when he said the family a person comes from says a
the family a person comes from says a
the family a person comes from says a lot about their leadership ability and
lot about their leadership ability and
lot about their leadership ability and then do you really want a person from a
then do you really want a person from a
then do you really want a person from a dysfunctional family leading our school
dysfunctional family leading our school
dysfunctional family leading our school I felt my heart breaking and he said no
I felt my heart breaking and he said no
I felt my heart breaking and he said no I’m not saying they can’t I’m just
I’m not saying they can’t I’m just
I’m not saying they can’t I’m just saying it’s definitely something we
saying it’s definitely something we
saying it’s definitely something we should be considering I got out of that
should be considering I got out of that
should be considering I got out of that class and I just sobbed I could never
class and I just sobbed I could never
class and I just sobbed I could never succeed as a leader at a Leadership
succeed as a leader at a Leadership
succeed as a leader at a Leadership School because I was already a failure
School because I was already a failure
School because I was already a failure dysfunction is nothing other than the
dysfunction is nothing other than the
dysfunction is nothing other than the failure to be normal within a given
failure to be normal within a given
failure to be normal within a given community standards but everyone in this
community standards but everyone in this
community standards but everyone in this room has faced failure before and we
room has faced failure before and we
room has faced failure before and we have the same problems because if you
have the same problems because if you
have the same problems because if you hide your failures that’s dishonest but
hide your failures that’s dishonest but
hide your failures that’s dishonest but if you only tell a few then they can be
if you only tell a few then they can be
if you only tell a few then they can be used against you and if you don’t hide
used against you and if you don’t hide
used against you and if you don’t hide them at all you can be ridiculed and
them at all you can be ridiculed and
them at all you can be ridiculed and even denigrated so what are we supposed
even denigrated so what are we supposed
even denigrated so what are we supposed to do well there’s a program called
to do well there’s a program called
to do well there’s a program called Alateen and it’s a branch off of AAA
Alateen and it’s a branch off of AAA
Alateen and it’s a branch off of AAA which is a 12-step spiritual program
which is a 12-step spiritual program
which is a 12-step spiritual program designed to help people with their
designed to help people with their
designed to help people with their alcohol addictions but Alateen isn’t
alcohol addictions but Alateen isn’t
alcohol addictions but Alateen isn’t focused on focused on teenage alcoholics
focused on focused on teenage alcoholics
focused on focused on teenage alcoholics it’s focused on teenagers who come from
it’s focused on teenagers who come from
it’s focused on teenagers who come from families of dysfunction and Alateen is a
families of dysfunction and Alateen is a
families of dysfunction and Alateen is a great program but the problem with it is
great program but the problem with it is
great program but the problem with it is that since its spiritual and anonymous
that since its spiritual and anonymous
that since its spiritual and anonymous it can’t help every teenager right now
it can’t help every teenager right now
it can’t help every teenager right now in America there is only one environment
in America there is only one environment
in America there is only one environment that consistently acknowledges
that consistently acknowledges
that consistently acknowledges dysfunction within teenagers and
dysfunction within teenagers and
dysfunction within teenagers and encourages pride for those affected by
encourages pride for those affected by
encourages pride for those affected by it that environment is a gang now I live
it that environment is a gang now I live
it that environment is a gang now I live by Chicago which is where my father went
by Chicago which is where my father went
by Chicago which is where my father went missing eight years ago and according to
missing eight years ago and according to
missing eight years ago and according to ABC News since my father went missing in
ABC News since my father went missing in
ABC News since my father went missing in oh nine all the way up until 2012 we’ve
oh nine all the way up until 2012 we’ve
oh nine all the way up until 2012 we’ve seen a 25% increase in gang activity and
seen a 25% increase in gang activity and
seen a 25% increase in gang activity and the scary thing is that the average age
the scary thing is that the average age
the scary thing is that the average age for the people in these gangs is 16 to
for the people in these gangs is 16 to
for the people in these gangs is 16 to 19 years old at the end of the day our
19 years old at the end of the day our
19 years old at the end of the day our stigmas about dysfunction and failure
stigmas about dysfunction and failure
stigmas about dysfunction and failure aren’t just pushing people to take their
aren’t just pushing people to take their
aren’t just pushing people to take their own lives they’re causing homicide our
own lives they’re causing homicide our
own lives they’re causing homicide our lack of support for one another is
lack of support for one another is
lack of support for one another is literally killing people every day so
literally killing people every day so
literally killing people every day so how do we start to solve this problem
how do we start to solve this problem
how do we start to solve this problem well the first step to embracing other
well the first step to embracing other
well the first step to embracing other people starts with embracing who you are
people starts with embracing who you are
people starts with embracing who you are to accept the pros and cons of our own
to accept the pros and cons of our own
to accept the pros and cons of our own situations now if you come from a
situations now if you come from a
situations now if you come from a perfect family which doesn’t exist by
perfect family which doesn’t exist by
perfect family which doesn’t exist by the way but if you convince yourself
the way but if you convince yourself
the way but if you convince yourself that if that you came from the perfect
that if that you came from the perfect
that if that you came from the perfect family it would be easy to think that
family it would be easy to think that
family it would be easy to think that you’re unbelievably lucky but there’s
you’re unbelievably lucky but there’s
you’re unbelievably lucky but there’s disadvantages there too
disadvantages there too
disadvantages there too because right off the bat you can’t
because right off the bat you can’t
because right off the bat you can’t relate to how most of the world grew up
relate to how most of the world grew up
relate to how most of the world grew up and unless you do something to address
and unless you do something to address
and unless you do something to address that you’re gonna have a level of
that you’re gonna have a level of
that you’re gonna have a level of ignorance and similarly if you grew up
ignorance and similarly if you grew up
ignorance and similarly if you grew up with a lot of dysfunction it’s very easy
with a lot of dysfunction it’s very easy
with a lot of dysfunction it’s very easy to feel unlucky but you can relate to an
to feel unlucky but you can relate to an
to feel unlucky but you can relate to an abundance of people you have perspective
abundance of people you have perspective
abundance of people you have perspective and the ability to reach out and help
and the ability to reach out and help
and the ability to reach out and help people like you in a way that nobody
people like you in a way that nobody
people like you in a way that nobody else can and we need to start
else can and we need to start
else can and we need to start recognizing that instead of hiding it so
recognizing that instead of hiding it so
recognizing that instead of hiding it so the first step essentially is to look in
the first step essentially is to look in
the first step essentially is to look in the mirror the second step is to love
the mirror the second step is to love
the mirror the second step is to love what we see now it’s not easy to be
what we see now it’s not easy to be
what we see now it’s not easy to be proud of failure and dysfunction in fact
proud of failure and dysfunction in fact
proud of failure and dysfunction in fact it’s not even easy to be comfortable
it’s not even easy to be comfortable
it’s not even easy to be comfortable with them but we need to try here’s why
with them but we need to try here’s why
with them but we need to try here’s why when I came into Culver as a freshman I
when I came into Culver as a freshman I
when I came into Culver as a freshman I was in a big group of people and I got
was in a big group of people and I got
was in a big group of people and I got invited to a football game because
invited to a football game because
invited to a football game because that’s what you do in high school and so
that’s what you do in high school and so
that’s what you do in high school and so I couldn’t go because I had a
I couldn’t go because I had a
I couldn’t go because I had a psychologist appointment that night so I
psychologist appointment that night so I
psychologist appointment that night so I took a deep breath and I stuck my chin
took a deep breath and I stuck my chin
took a deep breath and I stuck my chin in the air a little bit and I said I
in the air a little bit and I said I
in the air a little bit and I said I can’t go I have a psychologist
can’t go I have a psychologist
can’t go I have a psychologist appointment and everybody froze and I
appointment and everybody froze and I
appointment and everybody froze and I felt my heart stopped because that was a
felt my heart stopped because that was a
felt my heart stopped because that was a terrifying moment and I was so scared of
terrifying moment and I was so scared of
terrifying moment and I was so scared of how everyone else was going to react but
how everyone else was going to react but
how everyone else was going to react but it was just a moment and we moved on and
it was just a moment and we moved on and
it was just a moment and we moved on and nobody said anything offensive and it
nobody said anything offensive and it
nobody said anything offensive and it was fine but then almost a month later a
was fine but then almost a month later a
was fine but then almost a month later a boy from that group reached out to me
boy from that group reached out to me
boy from that group reached out to me and he asked me about the psychologists
and he asked me about the psychologists
and he asked me about the psychologists at Culver because even though it was a
at Culver because even though it was a
at Culver because even though it was a scary moment for me for him it was the
scary moment for me for him it was the
scary moment for me for him it was the start of something really important and
start of something really important and
start of something really important and sidenote here we really need to be
sidenote here we really need to be
sidenote here we really need to be talking about mental health and
talking about mental health and
talking about mental health and accepting ourselves more openly but back
accepting ourselves more openly but back
accepting ourselves more openly but back to the point
to the point
to the point that’s why embracing ourselves is so
that’s why embracing ourselves is so
that’s why embracing ourselves is so important
important
important because if you look talking act like
because if you look talking act like
because if you look talking act like you’re okay with who you are and where
you’re okay with who you are and where
you’re okay with who you are and where you come from that will impact other
you come from that will impact other
you come from that will impact other people even if you don’t feel that way
people even if you don’t feel that way
people even if you don’t feel that way yet and that’s incredible now the next
yet and that’s incredible now the next
yet and that’s incredible now the next two steps are for the greater community
two steps are for the greater community
two steps are for the greater community for one we need to attack these stigmas
for one we need to attack these stigmas
for one we need to attack these stigmas about dysfunction and failure in our
about dysfunction and failure in our
about dysfunction and failure in our education systems and that has to start
education systems and that has to start
education systems and that has to start with the faculty because right now
with the faculty because right now
with the faculty because right now there’s this idea going around in
there’s this idea going around in
there’s this idea going around in schools that if you mess up as a teacher
schools that if you mess up as a teacher
schools that if you mess up as a teacher and your students see it that makes you
and your students see it that makes you
and your students see it that makes you a bad teacher and that’s kind of garbage
a bad teacher and that’s kind of garbage
a bad teacher and that’s kind of garbage we’ve got to get rid of that we’ve got
we’ve got to get rid of that we’ve got
we’ve got to get rid of that we’ve got to get rid of that because we remain
to get rid of that because we remain
to get rid of that because we remain teachers and students in essence our
teachers and students in essence our
teachers and students in essence our whole lives and there’s so much more to
whole lives and there’s so much more to
whole lives and there’s so much more to failure than just looking at it as an
failure than just looking at it as an
failure than just looking at it as an opportunity for growth right now we’re
opportunity for growth right now we’re
opportunity for growth right now we’re teaching kids that if you just work hard
teaching kids that if you just work hard
teaching kids that if you just work hard enough you can overcome dysfunction and
enough you can overcome dysfunction and
enough you can overcome dysfunction and you can overcome failure but that’s not
you can overcome failure but that’s not
you can overcome failure but that’s not the point the point is to embrace it to
the point the point is to embrace it to
the point the point is to embrace it to understand that it’s okay to be a part
understand that it’s okay to be a part
understand that it’s okay to be a part of who you are and then you grow from it
of who you are and then you grow from it
of who you are and then you grow from it and then of course you should never tell
and then of course you should never tell
and then of course you should never tell your students that coming from a
your students that coming from a
your students that coming from a background of dysfunction means they
background of dysfunction means they
background of dysfunction means they can’t be leaders or anything else for
can’t be leaders or anything else for
can’t be leaders or anything else for one that’s kind of ignorant and for
one that’s kind of ignorant and for
one that’s kind of ignorant and for another a generation that loves the
another a generation that loves the
another a generation that loves the story of Hamilton and pictures of Obama
story of Hamilton and pictures of Obama
story of Hamilton and pictures of Obama smoking weed we aren’t likely to believe
smoking weed we aren’t likely to believe
smoking weed we aren’t likely to believe you anyway
you anyway
you anyway [Laughter]
[Laughter]
[Laughter] so the last step is for for a program
so the last step is for for a program
so the last step is for for a program I’m advocating for a program across the
I’m advocating for a program across the
I’m advocating for a program across the nation possibly even bigger that isn’t
nation possibly even bigger that isn’t
nation possibly even bigger that isn’t in place of Alateen but is alongside it
in place of Alateen but is alongside it
in place of Alateen but is alongside it that it’s focused not on being anonymous
that it’s focused not on being anonymous
that it’s focused not on being anonymous but in being open and having teenagers
but in being open and having teenagers
but in being open and having teenagers be able to reach out to each other
be able to reach out to each other
be able to reach out to each other communicate with each other and then
communicate with each other and then
communicate with each other and then talk to each other outside of meetings
talk to each other outside of meetings
talk to each other outside of meetings to utilize our language of social media
to utilize our language of social media
to utilize our language of social media to find role models to inspire each
to find role models to inspire each
to find role models to inspire each other and not to hide or bully each
other and not to hide or bully each
other and not to hide or bully each other anymore we need a program so to
other anymore we need a program so to
other anymore we need a program so to embrace the people around us to love and
embrace the people around us to love and
embrace the people around us to love and accept where we’re coming from and where
accept where we’re coming from and where
accept where we’re coming from and where we’re going and to move forward as a
we’re going and to move forward as a
we’re going and to move forward as a nation as a world to being comfortable
nation as a world to being comfortable
nation as a world to being comfortable in our own skin that all starts with
in our own skin that all starts with
in our own skin that all starts with each of us
each of us
each of us it starts with looking back at those
it starts with looking back at those
it starts with looking back at those pros and cons recognizing them accepting
pros and cons recognizing them accepting
pros and cons recognizing them accepting them moving towards embracing them and
them moving towards embracing them and
them moving towards embracing them and educating our children so do you really
educating our children so do you really
educating our children so do you really want a person from a dysfunctional
want a person from a dysfunctional
want a person from a dysfunctional family leading our school kids from
family leading our school kids from
family leading our school kids from dysfunctional backgrounds and kids who
dysfunctional backgrounds and kids who
dysfunctional backgrounds and kids who have experienced abundances of failures
have experienced abundances of failures
have experienced abundances of failures have the tools to lead a lot more than
have the tools to lead a lot more than
have the tools to lead a lot more than just a school and I believe that we can
just a school and I believe that we can
just a school and I believe that we can do it thank you
do it thank you
do it thank you [Applause]
”
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