I have always been a lover of words ever since I was little you could find me
since I was little you could find me
since I was little you could find me with a book in my hands full of words to
with a book in my hands full of words to
with a book in my hands full of words to take me to another world
take me to another world
take me to another world or the pencil or crayon or my mom’s
or the pencil or crayon or my mom’s
or the pencil or crayon or my mom’s lipstick grasped in my hand scribbling
lipstick grasped in my hand scribbling
lipstick grasped in my hand scribbling on whatever service I could find which
on whatever service I could find which
on whatever service I could find which would sometimes get me in a bit of
would sometimes get me in a bit of
would sometimes get me in a bit of trouble especially if it was my mom’s
trouble especially if it was my mom’s
trouble especially if it was my mom’s lipstick I made my first attempt at
lipstick I made my first attempt at
lipstick I made my first attempt at novel writing when I was in just third
novel writing when I was in just third
novel writing when I was in just third grade although that didn’t quite work
grade although that didn’t quite work
grade although that didn’t quite work out I would go on to publish my own book
out I would go on to publish my own book
out I would go on to publish my own book of poetry at age fifty words of
of poetry at age fifty words of
of poetry at age fifty words of affirmation are one of my biggest love
affirmation are one of my biggest love
affirmation are one of my biggest love languages and for better or for worse I
languages and for better or for worse I
languages and for better or for worse I remember the things that people say to
remember the things that people say to
remember the things that people say to me for years
me for years
me for years words are a home for me and I believe
words are a home for me and I believe
words are a home for me and I believe that prose will forever swirl in my
that prose will forever swirl in my
that prose will forever swirl in my bloodstream however although I made such
bloodstream however although I made such
bloodstream however although I made such good friends my words so early on there
good friends my words so early on there
good friends my words so early on there was something about them something
was something about them something
was something about them something negative but I wouldn’t learn until much
negative but I wouldn’t learn until much
negative but I wouldn’t learn until much later and that was the power of the
later and that was the power of the
later and that was the power of the words we tell ourselves I first began
words we tell ourselves I first began
words we tell ourselves I first began battling with power at age seven when my
battling with power at age seven when my
battling with power at age seven when my parents went through a messy divorce and
parents went through a messy divorce and
parents went through a messy divorce and one of my older brothers make the first
one of my older brothers make the first
one of my older brothers make the first of many suicide attempts and I learned
of many suicide attempts and I learned
of many suicide attempts and I learned what that word meant for the very first
what that word meant for the very first
what that word meant for the very first time during this process the words not
time during this process the words not
time during this process the words not enough became deeply ingrained and my
enough became deeply ingrained and my
enough became deeply ingrained and my train of thought even though every
train of thought even though every
train of thought even though every self-help book that my parents had me
self-help book that my parents had me
self-help book that my parents had me read Reeth era pissed I saw every
read Reeth era pissed I saw every
read Reeth era pissed I saw every article I looked at told me that this
article I looked at told me that this
article I looked at told me that this wasn’t my fault
wasn’t my fault
wasn’t my fault the only thing that my seven-year-old
the only thing that my seven-year-old
the only thing that my seven-year-old brain could understand was that I was
brain could understand was that I was
brain could understand was that I was not important enough my parents to want
not important enough my parents to want
not important enough my parents to want to stay together or for my brother to
to stay together or for my brother to
to stay together or for my brother to want to stay alive the next time I let
want to stay alive the next time I let
want to stay alive the next time I let these words contaminate my heart was
these words contaminate my heart was
these words contaminate my heart was when I was 12 years old and this is
when I was 12 years old and this is
when I was 12 years old and this is grade gym room and if it’s been a while
grade gym room and if it’s been a while
grade gym room and if it’s been a while since you’ve been in middle school I’ll
since you’ve been in middle school I’ll
since you’ve been in middle school I’ll give you a refresher on what that looks
give you a refresher on what that looks
give you a refresher on what that looks like sixth grade gym rooms look exactly
like sixth grade gym rooms look exactly
like sixth grade gym rooms look exactly like they do in the movies complete with
like they do in the movies complete with
like they do in the movies complete with the flying dodge balls and knee length
the flying dodge balls and knee length
the flying dodge balls and knee length basketball shorts in your school’s
basketball shorts in your school’s
basketball shorts in your school’s colors
colors
colors ours were green and purple which were
ours were green and purple which were
ours were green and purple which were not the most attractive in my gym class
not the most attractive in my gym class
not the most attractive in my gym class we had about 200 kids and we sat in
we had about 200 kids and we sat in
we had about 200 kids and we sat in alphabetical order in lines before
alphabetical order in lines before
alphabetical order in lines before warm-up started so I was sitting next to
warm-up started so I was sitting next to
warm-up started so I was sitting next to kids that I didn’t know super well
kids that I didn’t know super well
kids that I didn’t know super well however the boy to the left of me would
however the boy to the left of me would
however the boy to the left of me would become one of the most impactful people
become one of the most impactful people
become one of the most impactful people in my life because one day we were
in my life because one day we were
in my life because one day we were sitting in our warm-up so it was just a
sitting in our warm-up so it was just a
sitting in our warm-up so it was just a couple weeks into my sixth grade year
couple weeks into my sixth grade year
couple weeks into my sixth grade year and he got really quiet looked at me
and he got really quiet looked at me
and he got really quiet looked at me really intently and looked me up and
really intently and looked me up and
really intently and looked me up and down and goes you know Gracie you’d be
down and goes you know Gracie you’d be
down and goes you know Gracie you’d be really pretty if only you weren’t so fat
he said those words once but for the
he said those words once but for the next three years of my life I would tell
next three years of my life I would tell
next three years of my life I would tell him to myself on a daily basis I would
him to myself on a daily basis I would
him to myself on a daily basis I would tell myself that I did not need food but
tell myself that I did not need food but
tell myself that I did not need food but skinny felt better than food tasted it
skinny felt better than food tasted it
skinny felt better than food tasted it memorize the amount of calories and a
memorize the amount of calories and a
memorize the amount of calories and a piece of wintermint
piece of wintermint
piece of wintermint extra mint gum in a single pretzel I
extra mint gum in a single pretzel I
extra mint gum in a single pretzel I knew exactly how many calories I would
knew exactly how many calories I would
knew exactly how many calories I would burn if I did an extra 50 or 500 sit-ups
burn if I did an extra 50 or 500 sit-ups
burn if I did an extra 50 or 500 sit-ups before bed and Ischl 500 push-ups first
before bed and Ischl 500 push-ups first
before bed and Ischl 500 push-ups first thing when I woke up I told myself the
thing when I woke up I told myself the
thing when I woke up I told myself the only way to be good enough was to be
only way to be good enough was to be
only way to be good enough was to be skinny enough just a couple weeks after
skinny enough just a couple weeks after
skinny enough just a couple weeks after the sixth grade occurrence I would tell
the sixth grade occurrence I would tell
the sixth grade occurrence I would tell myself words that held even bigger
myself words that held even bigger
myself words that held even bigger demons when I first began engaging in
demons when I first began engaging in
demons when I first began engaging in self-harm at 12 years old I would tell
self-harm at 12 years old I would tell
self-harm at 12 years old I would tell myself that I was nothing without
myself that I was nothing without
myself that I was nothing without addiction I would tell others that it
addiction I would tell others that it
addiction I would tell others that it was the cat and then I would take a
was the cat and then I would take a
was the cat and then I would take a blade to my skin every time that life
blade to my skin every time that life
blade to my skin every time that life began to claw at my heart at 12 years
began to claw at my heart at 12 years
began to claw at my heart at 12 years old I told myself that I was not strong
old I told myself that I was not strong
old I told myself that I was not strong enough to live without it but the
enough to live without it but the
enough to live without it but the biggest lie of all wouldn’t come until
biggest lie of all wouldn’t come until
biggest lie of all wouldn’t come until shortly after I turned 15 at this point
shortly after I turned 15 at this point
shortly after I turned 15 at this point I had allowed myself to fall into place
I had allowed myself to fall into place
I had allowed myself to fall into place of depression so dark that I could not
of depression so dark that I could not
of depression so dark that I could not find any light no matter how hard I
find any light no matter how hard I
find any light no matter how hard I tried so I told myself that it was okay
tried so I told myself that it was okay
tried so I told myself that it was okay to set a suicide date I had until the
to set a suicide date I had until the
to set a suicide date I had until the state to make one last final dish effort
state to make one last final dish effort
state to make one last final dish effort at finding happiness
at finding happiness
at finding happiness and if I hadn’t by then and I would have
and if I hadn’t by then and I would have
and if I hadn’t by then and I would have enough time to tie up any loose ends say
enough time to tie up any loose ends say
enough time to tie up any loose ends say my final goodbyes and it would be okay
my final goodbyes and it would be okay
my final goodbyes and it would be okay to end it
to end it
to end it I had really tried the darkest point in
I had really tried the darkest point in
I had really tried the darkest point in my life I let myself hear the words you
my life I let myself hear the words you
my life I let myself hear the words you are not worthy enough of life no I
are not worthy enough of life no I
are not worthy enough of life no I believe it just two days before the
believe it just two days before the
believe it just two days before the suicide a I was fully intent on ending
suicide a I was fully intent on ending
suicide a I was fully intent on ending it I knew what I was gonna do I had my
it I knew what I was gonna do I had my
it I knew what I was gonna do I had my letters written I was ready and then I
letters written I was ready and then I
letters written I was ready and then I saw a social media post by a group
saw a social media post by a group
saw a social media post by a group called to write love on her arms they’re
called to write love on her arms they’re
called to write love on her arms they’re running a campaign for world suicide
running a campaign for world suicide
running a campaign for world suicide prevention day which just so happened to
prevention day which just so happened to
prevention day which just so happened to be the exact same day as my suicide date
be the exact same day as my suicide date
be the exact same day as my suicide date and it changed my life it showed me that
and it changed my life it showed me that
and it changed my life it showed me that an entire nationwide group could have
an entire nationwide group could have
an entire nationwide group could have the bravery to speak up about this so
the bravery to speak up about this so
the bravery to speak up about this so publicly then I could have the bravery
publicly then I could have the bravery
publicly then I could have the bravery to speak up about it in my own little
to speak up about it in my own little
to speak up about it in my own little corner of the world they would paint a
corner of the world they would paint a
corner of the world they would paint a message that would override every lie of
message that would override every lie of
message that would override every lie of not good enough not skinny enough
not good enough not skinny enough
not good enough not skinny enough unimportant enough not strong enough not
unimportant enough not strong enough not
unimportant enough not strong enough not worthy enough they would tell me you are
worthy enough they would tell me you are
worthy enough they would tell me you are loved but my battle was suicide a mental
loved but my battle was suicide a mental
loved but my battle was suicide a mental illness doesn’t hit there were the past
illness doesn’t hit there were the past
illness doesn’t hit there were the past three or so years I have watched as a
three or so years I have watched as a
three or so years I have watched as a teen suicide rate now Paso County has
teen suicide rate now Paso County has
teen suicide rate now Paso County has gone from seven in 2014 to 17 in 2016
gone from seven in 2014 to 17 in 2016
gone from seven in 2014 to 17 in 2016 the numbers keep growing
the numbers keep growing
the numbers keep growing I have watched my newsfeed as headlines
I have watched my newsfeed as headlines
I have watched my newsfeed as headlines come up such as 13 suicide in two weeks
come up such as 13 suicide in two weeks
come up such as 13 suicide in two weeks suicide strikes again Paso County the
suicide strikes again Paso County the
suicide strikes again Paso County the teen suicide capital of the nation I
teen suicide capital of the nation I
teen suicide capital of the nation I have watched as my family and loved ones
have watched as my family and loved ones
have watched as my family and loved ones struggle with losing those they care
struggle with losing those they care
struggle with losing those they care most about and the process
most about and the process
most about and the process almost lose themselves as well I’ve
almost lose themselves as well I’ve
almost lose themselves as well I’ve watched as the teen suicide rates go up
watched as the teen suicide rates go up
watched as the teen suicide rates go up in every corner of the world not just
in every corner of the world not just
in every corner of the world not just ours as new dangerous games come out and
ours as new dangerous games come out and
ours as new dangerous games come out and another article is posted mourning a
another article is posted mourning a
another article is posted mourning a loss of yet another young life I’ve
loss of yet another young life I’ve
loss of yet another young life I’ve watched as lights of our children go
watched as lights of our children go
watched as lights of our children go dark one by one by one we have all
dark one by one by one we have all
dark one by one by one we have all watched as kids who are supposed to be
watched as kids who are supposed to be
watched as kids who are supposed to be playing in the rain achieving dreams
playing in the rain achieving dreams
playing in the rain achieving dreams taking chances are playing with
taking chances are playing with
taking chances are playing with addiction achieving depression and
addiction achieving depression and
addiction achieving depression and taking lives and we still aren’t talking
taking lives and we still aren’t talking
taking lives and we still aren’t talking about it the stigma surrounding suicide
about it the stigma surrounding suicide
about it the stigma surrounding suicide and mental illness is suffocating it is
and mental illness is suffocating it is
and mental illness is suffocating it is thousands of miles deep and we very
thousands of miles deep and we very
thousands of miles deep and we very rarely scratch the surface but alone
rarely scratch the surface but alone
rarely scratch the surface but alone reached those at the core who are the
reached those at the core who are the
reached those at the core who are the ones who are dying so we suffer in
ones who are dying so we suffer in
ones who are dying so we suffer in silence we see the statistics we see
silence we see the statistics we see
silence we see the statistics we see that more people die by suicide than by
that more people die by suicide than by
that more people die by suicide than by homicide in fact almost twice as many we
homicide in fact almost twice as many we
homicide in fact almost twice as many we see that more teenagers and young adults
see that more teenagers and young adults
see that more teenagers and young adults die by suicide than by cancer lung
die by suicide than by cancer lung
die by suicide than by cancer lung disease heart disease birth defects
disease heart disease birth defects
disease heart disease birth defects pneumonia influenza combined we see that
pneumonia influenza combined we see that
pneumonia influenza combined we see that in our nation there’s an average of five
in our nation there’s an average of five
in our nation there’s an average of five thousand two hundred and forty suicide
thousand two hundred and forty suicide
thousand two hundred and forty suicide attempts but young people grades 7
attempts but young people grades 7
attempts but young people grades 7 through 12 every day and we still aren’t
through 12 every day and we still aren’t
through 12 every day and we still aren’t talking about it when we buy into the
talking about it when we buy into the
talking about it when we buy into the stigma that surrounds to the sentimental
stigma that surrounds to the sentimental
stigma that surrounds to the sentimental illness we were telling our young people
illness we were telling our young people
illness we were telling our young people and loved ones this is something they
and loved ones this is something they
and loved ones this is something they can’t talk about so they don’t and the
can’t talk about so they don’t and the
can’t talk about so they don’t and the darkness grows and another life is lost
darkness grows and another life is lost
darkness grows and another life is lost and we sit here and we wonder how we
and we sit here and we wonder how we
and we sit here and we wonder how we didn’t see it coming why weren’t there
didn’t see it coming why weren’t there
didn’t see it coming why weren’t there any warning signs and all it takes to
any warning signs and all it takes to
any warning signs and all it takes to change this is a simple switch it takes
change this is a simple switch it takes
change this is a simple switch it takes a switch from using suicide and mental
a switch from using suicide and mental
a switch from using suicide and mental illness as something that is dark
illness as something that is dark
illness as something that is dark unstoppable and she
unstoppable and she
unstoppable and she people to something that although dark
people to something that although dark
people to something that although dark is something that we can take into the
is something that we can take into the
is something that we can take into the open shine a light on and unpack
open shine a light on and unpack
open shine a light on and unpack together there are so many things that
together there are so many things that
together there are so many things that we can be doing to help those that are
we can be doing to help those that are
we can be doing to help those that are sick and they’re not these big
sick and they’re not these big
sick and they’re not these big unachievable intimidating goals there’s
unachievable intimidating goals there’s
unachievable intimidating goals there’s small things that have a huge impact we
small things that have a huge impact we
small things that have a huge impact we can advocate for programs in our public
can advocate for programs in our public
can advocate for programs in our public school systems that teach suicide
school systems that teach suicide
school systems that teach suicide prevention we can ask hey are you doing
prevention we can ask hey are you doing
prevention we can ask hey are you doing okay
okay
okay hey you seemed a little off recently you
hey you seemed a little off recently you
hey you seemed a little off recently you may be feeling suicidal it’s terrifying
may be feeling suicidal it’s terrifying
may be feeling suicidal it’s terrifying I know it’s terrifying not knowing if
I know it’s terrifying not knowing if
I know it’s terrifying not knowing if the answer is yes or no and not knowing
the answer is yes or no and not knowing
the answer is yes or no and not knowing which is scarier when we ask we show
which is scarier when we ask we show
which is scarier when we ask we show those who are hurting that they are seen
those who are hurting that they are seen
those who are hurting that they are seen if they want to talk about it they can
if they want to talk about it they can
if they want to talk about it they can we can read up on warning signs
we can read up on warning signs
we can read up on warning signs especially those who are parents
especially those who are parents
especially those who are parents teachers and mentors when we know what
teachers and mentors when we know what
teachers and mentors when we know what to look out for we are far better
to look out for we are far better
to look out for we are far better equipped to handle the darkness before I
equipped to handle the darkness before I
equipped to handle the darkness before I loved ones reached that last step
loved ones reached that last step
loved ones reached that last step solution but most of all we can talk we
solution but most of all we can talk we
solution but most of all we can talk we can choose to start the story because
can choose to start the story because
can choose to start the story because when we talk first we provide an open
when we talk first we provide an open
when we talk first we provide an open invitation for others to step forward as
invitation for others to step forward as
invitation for others to step forward as well we show those who are hurting that
well we show those who are hurting that
well we show those who are hurting that we see them but it’s going to get better
we see them but it’s going to get better
we see them but it’s going to get better that we know what it’s like and we’re
that we know what it’s like and we’re
that we know what it’s like and we’re here for them when we are brave enough
here for them when we are brave enough
here for them when we are brave enough to start we provide an open invitation
to start we provide an open invitation
to start we provide an open invitation for people to stop living in shame and
for people to stop living in shame and
for people to stop living in shame and start living in sunshine I wish I could
start living in sunshine I wish I could
start living in sunshine I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self
go back in time and tell my younger self
go back in time and tell my younger self that it was going to be okay that one
that it was going to be okay that one
that it was going to be okay that one day she would be so filled with joy and
day she would be so filled with joy and
day she would be so filled with joy and happiness that her lips would almost
happiness that her lips would almost
happiness that her lips would almost constantly be turned up into a smile
constantly be turned up into a smile
constantly be turned up into a smile that she would live to see the most
that she would live to see the most
that she would live to see the most beautiful sunrises have the most
beautiful sunrises have the most
beautiful sunrises have the most incredible opportunities love the most
incredible opportunities love the most
incredible opportunities love the most amazing people that there was a future
amazing people that there was a future
amazing people that there was a future for her
for her
for her even if in that moment tomorrow was the
even if in that moment tomorrow was the
even if in that moment tomorrow was the hardest thing to find it wouldn’t get
hardest thing to find it wouldn’t get
hardest thing to find it wouldn’t get better overnight no there would still be
better overnight no there would still be
better overnight no there would still be relapses and hard days there would still
relapses and hard days there would still
relapses and hard days there would still be days where she goes dark and doesn’t
be days where she goes dark and doesn’t
be days where she goes dark and doesn’t know why they still are but the
know why they still are but the
know why they still are but the difference would be that even on her
difference would be that even on her
difference would be that even on her darkest days
darkest days
darkest days everything would be painted over with
everything would be painted over with
everything would be painted over with the hue of hope that I can’t do that so
the hue of hope that I can’t do that so
the hue of hope that I can’t do that so instead I will tell you and I will beg
instead I will tell you and I will beg
instead I will tell you and I will beg you to please tell those that you love
you to please tell those that you love
you to please tell those that you love as well tell them these things and
as well tell them these things and
as well tell them these things and extend a lifeline for those who feels
extend a lifeline for those who feels
extend a lifeline for those who feels that they are drowning encourage them to
that they are drowning encourage them to
that they are drowning encourage them to grab onto your hand plant their feet on
grab onto your hand plant their feet on
grab onto your hand plant their feet on solid ground take a couple more steps
solid ground take a couple more steps
solid ground take a couple more steps there they will look around the corner
there they will look around the corner
there they will look around the corner and see everything they thought their
and see everything they thought their
and see everything they thought their life could never be stretching for miles
life could never be stretching for miles
life could never be stretching for miles full of hope and recovery and joy and
full of hope and recovery and joy and
full of hope and recovery and joy and most of all painted across the sky and
most of all painted across the sky and
most of all painted across the sky and brilliant colors they will see three
brilliant colors they will see three
brilliant colors they will see three words that will change everything you
words that will change everything you
words that will change everything you are loved thank you
are loved thank you
are loved thank you [Applause]
”
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