well good morning it’s very nice to be here but I am speaking to some of the
here but I am speaking to some of the
here but I am speaking to some of the smartest high school students in the
smartest high school students in the
smartest high school students in the country maybe in the world so this is a
country maybe in the world so this is a
country maybe in the world so this is a very exciting opportunity for me to be
very exciting opportunity for me to be
very exciting opportunity for me to be here and to be able to share some of my
here and to be able to share some of my
here and to be able to share some of my journey with you and what I’m learning
journey with you and what I’m learning
journey with you and what I’m learning because I feel like the journey that I’m
because I feel like the journey that I’m
because I feel like the journey that I’m on is so critical to your generation
on is so critical to your generation
on is so critical to your generation because it really concerns the divide in
because it really concerns the divide in
because it really concerns the divide in this country and how it is we’re going
this country and how it is we’re going
this country and how it is we’re going to heal it and it’s not just a divide in
to heal it and it’s not just a divide in
to heal it and it’s not just a divide in this country it really is a divide in
this country it really is a divide in
this country it really is a divide in this world and this I didn’t expect to
this world and this I didn’t expect to
this world and this I didn’t expect to get emotional already but this is
get emotional already but this is
get emotional already but this is critical if we figure this out I think
critical if we figure this out I think
critical if we figure this out I think we all know that we have to figure out
we all know that we have to figure out
we all know that we have to figure out how to get along so since August last
how to get along so since August last
how to get along so since August last year I’ve had the opportunity to travel
year I’ve had the opportunity to travel
year I’ve had the opportunity to travel a little bit around the country and lead
a little bit around the country and lead
a little bit around the country and lead a workshop that I developed and it’s
a workshop that I developed and it’s
a workshop that I developed and it’s called difficult conversations the art
called difficult conversations the art
called difficult conversations the art and science of learning to think
and science of learning to think
and science of learning to think together and the focus of this workshop
together and the focus of this workshop
together and the focus of this workshop really is to explore three conditions
really is to explore three conditions
really is to explore three conditions that if present actually allow us to
that if present actually allow us to
that if present actually allow us to have productive healing constructive
have productive healing constructive
have productive healing constructive conversations with anyone I’m very
conversations with anyone I’m very
conversations with anyone I’m very passionate about these three conditions
passionate about these three conditions
passionate about these three conditions and I’m just going to offer them to you
and I’m just going to offer them to you
and I’m just going to offer them to you you can think about them and you can
you can think about them and you can
you can think about them and you can figure out if they make sense to you or
figure out if they make sense to you or
figure out if they make sense to you or not but to me they’re they’re critical
not but to me they’re they’re critical
not but to me they’re they’re critical and they’re worth really a lifetime of
and they’re worth really a lifetime of
and they’re worth really a lifetime of exploration before I actually share
exploration before I actually share
exploration before I actually share those three conditions with you I want
those three conditions with you I want
those three conditions with you I want to just talk a little bit about the
to just talk a little bit about the
to just talk a little bit about the journey that led to them and it really
journey that led to them and it really
journey that led to them and it really started with a conversation rode to her
started with a conversation rode to her
started with a conversation rode to her that I took with my son well a former
that I took with my son well a former
that I took with my son well a former Mountain View high school student and we
Mountain View high school student and we
Mountain View high school student and we we took this tour at the beginning of
we took this tour at the beginning of
we took this tour at the beginning of 2017 just after the 2016 election we
2017 just after the 2016 election we
2017 just after the 2016 election we called it pop the bubble and our goal
called it pop the bubble and our goal
called it pop the bubble and our goal was to travel across the country to talk
was to travel across the country to talk
was to travel across the country to talk to as many people as we possibly could
to as many people as we possibly could
to as many people as we possibly could who are outside of
who are outside of
who are outside of and to ask them what were they thinking
and to ask them what were they thinking
and to ask them what were they thinking and how were they feeling about the
and how were they feeling about the
and how were they feeling about the state of our country and what were their
state of our country and what were their
state of our country and what were their ideas for how we might heal our divided
ideas for how we might heal our divided
ideas for how we might heal our divided and again and again one thing we heard
and again and again one thing we heard
and again and again one thing we heard actually was the importance of
actually was the importance of
actually was the importance of conversation that it was critical that
conversation that it was critical that
conversation that it was critical that we learn how to talk to each other and
we learn how to talk to each other and
we learn how to talk to each other and one thing that actually sort of
one thing that actually sort of
one thing that actually sort of surprised us was that most people do
surprised us was that most people do
surprised us was that most people do want to have a conversation with the
want to have a conversation with the
want to have a conversation with the other side whatever that had the side
other side whatever that had the side
other side whatever that had the side whoever that other side is for people
whoever that other side is for people
whoever that other side is for people and even if they didn’t necessarily
and even if they didn’t necessarily
and even if they didn’t necessarily really want to they were willing to so
really want to they were willing to so
really want to they were willing to so why weren’t those conversations
why weren’t those conversations
why weren’t those conversations happening why were our divisions getting
happening why were our divisions getting
happening why were our divisions getting deeper rather than narrower and so as we
deeper rather than narrower and so as we
deeper rather than narrower and so as we continued our journey what we realized
continued our journey what we realized
continued our journey what we realized that it really came down to fear that
that it really came down to fear that
that it really came down to fear that what keeps us from talking to each other
what keeps us from talking to each other
what keeps us from talking to each other is fear and in our experience what it
is fear and in our experience what it
is fear and in our experience what it seemed to be the conservatives that we
seemed to be the conservatives that we
seemed to be the conservatives that we spoke with they feared being vilified
spoke with they feared being vilified
spoke with they feared being vilified for their views liberals on the other
for their views liberals on the other
for their views liberals on the other hand actually feared that they would
hand actually feared that they would
hand actually feared that they would lose their cool that in the face of
lose their cool that in the face of
lose their cool that in the face of thoughts perspectives ideas that they
thoughts perspectives ideas that they
thoughts perspectives ideas that they found seriously objectionable that they
found seriously objectionable that they
found seriously objectionable that they were just going to get angry and upset
were just going to get angry and upset
were just going to get angry and upset and so why bother to engage now that
and so why bother to engage now that
and so why bother to engage now that particular perspective I encountered
particular perspective I encountered
particular perspective I encountered again when when will and I came home and
again when when will and I came home and
again when when will and I came home and I was talking to my friends and I would
I was talking to my friends and I would
I was talking to my friends and I would tell them about some of the
tell them about some of the
tell them about some of the conversations that I had had
conversations that I had had
conversations that I had had particularly with those on the other
particularly with those on the other
particularly with those on the other side and almost universally the response
side and almost universally the response
side and almost universally the response that I got was this how were you able to
that I got was this how were you able to
that I got was this how were you able to talk to those people and their
talk to those people and their
talk to those people and their assumption was that I was subjecting
assumption was that I was subjecting
assumption was that I was subjecting myself to some extremely unpleasant
myself to some extremely unpleasant
myself to some extremely unpleasant experience which actually surprised me
experience which actually surprised me
experience which actually surprised me because it wasn’t difficult it was not
because it wasn’t difficult it was not
because it wasn’t difficult it was not hard at all to talk to people on the
hard at all to talk to people on the
hard at all to talk to people on the other side I didn’t feel like vilifying
other side I didn’t feel like vilifying
other side I didn’t feel like vilifying them and I wasn’t getting upset will was
them and I wasn’t getting upset will was
them and I wasn’t getting upset will was having exactly the same experience it
having exactly the same experience it
having exactly the same experience it wasn’t hard for him either and so I
wasn’t hard for him either and so I
wasn’t hard for him either and so I started to think about well what were
started to think about well what were
started to think about well what were the conditions that were present in
the conditions that were present in
the conditions that were present in this road trip that enabled that to
this road trip that enabled that to
this road trip that enabled that to happen and so here the three that I want
happen and so here the three that I want
happen and so here the three that I want to share with you the first condition is
to share with you the first condition is
to share with you the first condition is simply to acknowledge that we are all in
simply to acknowledge that we are all in
simply to acknowledge that we are all in this together
this together
this together the people we don’t like the people we
the people we don’t like the people we
the people we don’t like the people we disagree with the people that we might
disagree with the people that we might
disagree with the people that we might think of as our enemy they’re not going
think of as our enemy they’re not going
think of as our enemy they’re not going away
away
away they’re not they’re here they’re part of
they’re not they’re here they’re part of
they’re not they’re here they’re part of the picture and we have to learn how to
the picture and we have to learn how to
the picture and we have to learn how to engage and we know we have to learn how
engage and we know we have to learn how
engage and we know we have to learn how to engage because what we’re doing right
to engage because what we’re doing right
to engage because what we’re doing right now isn’t working I’m not a fan of the
now isn’t working I’m not a fan of the
now isn’t working I’m not a fan of the hashtag resist I mean we don’t need to
hashtag resist I mean we don’t need to
hashtag resist I mean we don’t need to resist each other we need to engage with
resist each other we need to engage with
resist each other we need to engage with each other we don’t need to vilify each
each other we don’t need to vilify each
each other we don’t need to vilify each other we don’t need to shame each other
other we don’t need to shame each other
other we don’t need to shame each other we don’t need to try to marginalize each
we don’t need to try to marginalize each
we don’t need to try to marginalize each other all that does is deepen our divide
other all that does is deepen our divide
other all that does is deepen our divide and deepen our dysfunction that’s all it
and deepen our dysfunction that’s all it
and deepen our dysfunction that’s all it does so we need to take on a challenge
does so we need to take on a challenge
does so we need to take on a challenge and that challenge is to figure out how
and that challenge is to figure out how
and that challenge is to figure out how to creatively and constructively engage
to creatively and constructively engage
to creatively and constructively engage with people that we regard as our
with people that we regard as our
with people that we regard as our adversaries now let’s assume right now
adversaries now let’s assume right now
adversaries now let’s assume right now that we are willing to take that on that
that we are willing to take that on that
that we are willing to take that on that yes we are going to figure that out
yes we are going to figure that out
yes we are going to figure that out how can we do it well that brings us to
how can we do it well that brings us to
how can we do it well that brings us to condition number two we need to start
condition number two we need to start
condition number two we need to start practicing to put the relationship ahead
practicing to put the relationship ahead
practicing to put the relationship ahead of being right we need to put people
of being right we need to put people
of being right we need to put people before our positions we need to put
before our positions we need to put
before our positions we need to put connection before our convictions now
connection before our convictions now
connection before our convictions now that’s me may sound to you is exactly
that’s me may sound to you is exactly
that’s me may sound to you is exactly opposite of what we need to do it may
opposite of what we need to do it may
opposite of what we need to do it may sound illogical to be sound foolish may
sound illogical to be sound foolish may
sound illogical to be sound foolish may sound naive and in my experience it is
sound naive and in my experience it is
sound naive and in my experience it is none of those things it’s very logical
none of those things it’s very logical
none of those things it’s very logical it’s very practical and it’s also
it’s very practical and it’s also
it’s very practical and it’s also extremely strategic
putting our relationship first doesn’t
putting our relationship first doesn’t mean we set aside our convictions or our
mean we set aside our convictions or our
mean we set aside our convictions or our positions what it means and all it means
positions what it means and all it means
positions what it means and all it means is that before we even try to convey our
is that before we even try to convey our
is that before we even try to convey our convictions in position we establish a
convictions in position we establish a
convictions in position we establish a strong relationship so that we can be
strong relationship so that we can be
strong relationship so that we can be heard so that our position and
heard so that our position and
heard so that our position and convictions can actually be considered
convictions can actually be considered
convictions can actually be considered that’s really what putting the
that’s really what putting the
that’s really what putting the relationship first means but it takes
relationship first means but it takes
relationship first means but it takes work we have to build up a spirit of
work we have to build up a spirit of
work we have to build up a spirit of trust we have to build up a spirit of
trust we have to build up a spirit of
trust we have to build up a spirit of goodwill we have to make a connection
goodwill we have to make a connection
goodwill we have to make a connection with people one of the biggest mistakes
with people one of the biggest mistakes
with people one of the biggest mistakes we make and we make it all the time
we make and we make it all the time
we make and we make it all the time is we try to have a conversation about a
is we try to have a conversation about a
is we try to have a conversation about a heated controversial topic with people
heated controversial topic with people
heated controversial topic with people we don’t even know we don’t even know
we don’t even know we don’t even know
we don’t even know we don’t even know them we have no relationship with them
the most relationship we have is that we
the most relationship we have is that we happen to be passionate about some
happen to be passionate about some
happen to be passionate about some subject that we disagree on that’s not
subject that we disagree on that’s not
subject that we disagree on that’s not the foundation for a constructive
the foundation for a constructive
the foundation for a constructive conversation we have to take the time to
conversation we have to take the time to
conversation we have to take the time to build the relationship first and the way
build the relationship first and the way
build the relationship first and the way to build the relationship probably the
to build the relationship probably the
to build the relationship probably the key word that enables us to build a
key word that enables us to build a
key word that enables us to build a relationship is acceptance to accept
relationship is acceptance to accept
relationship is acceptance to accept each other
each other
each other that doesn’t mean accepting their views
that doesn’t mean accepting their views
that doesn’t mean accepting their views or their positions in our conversations
or their positions in our conversations
or their positions in our conversations that was never a requirement but we did
that was never a requirement but we did
that was never a requirement but we did have to accept them as people we had to
have to accept them as people we had to
have to accept them as people we had to accept their humanity and we had to
accept their humanity and we had to
accept their humanity and we had to treat them with respect and when we did
treat them with respect and when we did
treat them with respect and when we did that we had incredibly productive
that we had incredibly productive
that we had incredibly productive conversations so that is prioritizing
conversations so that is prioritizing
conversations so that is prioritizing the relationship over being right now
the relationship over being right now
the relationship over being right now that’s not easy to do it is not easy to
that’s not easy to do it is not easy to
that’s not easy to do it is not easy to build a relationship with someone who
build a relationship with someone who
build a relationship with someone who you think feel is your adversary and is
you think feel is your adversary and is
you think feel is your adversary and is on the other side so how do we do it
on the other side so how do we do it
on the other side so how do we do it and that brings us to condition number
and that brings us to condition number
and that brings us to condition number three and I call this seeing beyond your
three and I call this seeing beyond your
three and I call this seeing beyond your story we all have a story and that story
story we all have a story and that story
story we all have a story and that story is the sum total of our experiences and
is the sum total of our experiences and
is the sum total of our experiences and I want you to consider some of the
I want you to consider some of the
I want you to consider some of the factors in our life some of the
factors in our life some of the
factors in our life some of the [Music]
[Music]
[Music] conditions in our life that determine
conditions in our life that determine
conditions in our life that determine what sort of experiences we have think
what sort of experiences we have think
what sort of experiences we have think about the family you were born into the
about the family you were born into the
about the family you were born into the particular values of your family the
particular values of your family the
particular values of your family the expectations of your family the rules of
expectations of your family the rules of
expectations of your family the rules of your family think about your gender
your family think about your gender
your family think about your gender that’s a powerful determiner of the kind
that’s a powerful determiner of the kind
that’s a powerful determiner of the kind of experience you have in the world your
of experience you have in the world your
of experience you have in the world your race your ethnicity your religion your
race your ethnicity your religion your
race your ethnicity your religion your culture to name a few those powerfully
culture to name a few those powerfully
culture to name a few those powerfully shaped how we see the world and how we
shaped how we see the world and how we
shaped how we see the world and how we interact with that world and what
interact with that world and what
interact with that world and what happens is we they it creates a filter
happens is we they it creates a filter
happens is we they it creates a filter through which we see the world in the
through which we see the world in the
through which we see the world in the workshop that I lead one of the things
workshop that I lead one of the things
workshop that I lead one of the things we I ask people to do is to draw or
we I ask people to do is to draw or
we I ask people to do is to draw or write their story on a clear piece of
write their story on a clear piece of
write their story on a clear piece of paper acetate and so they do it they
paper acetate and so they do it they
paper acetate and so they do it they write and they mark it all up and then I
write and they mark it all up and then I
write and they mark it all up and then I ask them to look through it and they get
ask them to look through it and they get
ask them to look through it and they get this visceral experience of looking
this visceral experience of looking
this visceral experience of looking through their story and seeing how it
through their story and seeing how it
through their story and seeing how it obstructs their vision how it obstructs
obstructs their vision how it obstructs
obstructs their vision how it obstructs what they’re looking at and so when we
what they’re looking at and so when we
what they’re looking at and so when we are in conflict with somebody what we
are in conflict with somebody what we
are in conflict with somebody what we need to do is that this is actually
need to do is that this is actually
need to do is that this is actually where where the problem comes in I’m
where where the problem comes in I’m
where where the problem comes in I’m trying to get rid of my clicker
but when we don’t know that we have a
but when we don’t know that we have a story when we don’t know that we are so
story when we don’t know that we are so
story when we don’t know that we are so conditioned by our experiences we tend
conditioned by our experiences we tend
conditioned by our experiences we tend to look at the world like this all we
to look at the world like this all we
to look at the world like this all we see is our story and what we need to do
see is our story and what we need to do
see is our story and what we need to do what we need to learn to do is actually
what we need to learn to do is actually
what we need to learn to do is actually gain some distance from our story we
gain some distance from our story we
gain some distance from our story we need to detach from our story when we
need to detach from our story when we
need to detach from our story when we gain some distance from our story what
gain some distance from our story what
gain some distance from our story what happens is we open up our perspective we
happens is we open up our perspective we
happens is we open up our perspective we open up our field of view we start to
open up our field of view we start to
open up our field of view we start to become more aware of how our story
become more aware of how our story
become more aware of how our story influences us but also very powerfully
influences us but also very powerfully
influences us but also very powerfully we begin to see the stories of others
we begin to see the stories of others
we begin to see the stories of others and it is by getting beyond our story
and it is by getting beyond our story
and it is by getting beyond our story and into the story of others that we are
and into the story of others that we are
and into the story of others that we are actually able to connect at the level of
actually able to connect at the level of
actually able to connect at the level of our humanity we can actually move beyond
our humanity we can actually move beyond
our humanity we can actually move beyond our story not have that be the thing
our story not have that be the thing
our story not have that be the thing that gets in our way and connect with
that gets in our way and connect with
that gets in our way and connect with someone at the level of their humanity
someone at the level of their humanity
someone at the level of their humanity now let me give you just one example of
now let me give you just one example of
now let me give you just one example of what I’m talking about when my son was
what I’m talking about when my son was
what I’m talking about when my son was younger same son well he was in karate
younger same son well he was in karate
younger same son well he was in karate and he was at a program to get his black
and he was at a program to get his black
and he was at a program to get his black belt and in his program was a
belt and in his program was a
belt and in his program was a middle-aged man who was also in the
middle-aged man who was also in the
middle-aged man who was also in the program getting his black belt and I
program getting his black belt and I
program getting his black belt and I would go and I had watch them practice
would go and I had watch them practice
would go and I had watch them practice and I would notice that this man
and I would notice that this man
and I would notice that this man approached the the program with
approached the the program with
approached the the program with incredible fervor he just had so much
incredible fervor he just had so much
incredible fervor he just had so much energy into it and he was just so
energy into it and he was just so
energy into it and he was just so committed and just just so just so 100
committed and just just so just so 100
committed and just just so just so 100 percent of absorbed and and chest I mean
percent of absorbed and and chest I mean
percent of absorbed and and chest I mean he just was giving it everything and he
he just was giving it everything and he
he just was giving it everything and he was taking it so seriously and I was
was taking it so seriously and I was
was taking it so seriously and I was looking at him and I was looking at him
looking at him and I was looking at him
looking at him and I was looking at him through my story and I I was judging him
through my story and I I was judging him
through my story and I I was judging him because it seemed too much it was
because it seemed too much it was
because it seemed too much it was overdone he was too enthusiastic too
overdone he was too enthusiastic too
overdone he was too enthusiastic too serious there was something off about
serious there was something off about
serious there was something off about that level of commitment for a program
that level of commitment for a program
that level of commitment for a program like this
like this
like this but my story said and one way we know
but my story said and one way we know
but my story said and one way we know we’re here and we were in our story is
we’re here and we were in our story is
we’re here and we were in our story is when we start judging others that’s a
when we start judging others that’s a
when we start judging others that’s a sign that we’re in our story well later
sign that we’re in our story well later
sign that we’re in our story well later on what I found out was that he actually
on what I found out was that he actually
on what I found out was that he actually began that program with his daughter and
began that program with his daughter and
began that program with his daughter and they were going to go through the
they were going to go through the
they were going to go through the program together and they were going to
program together and they were going to
program together and they were going to have a beautiful experience or in their
have a beautiful experience or in their
have a beautiful experience or in their in their black belt together would be
in their black belt together would be
in their black belt together would be something they would always remember and
something they would always remember and
something they would always remember and always cherish well part way through the
always cherish well part way through the
always cherish well part way through the program his daughter was killed in a car
program his daughter was killed in a car
program his daughter was killed in a car accident I couldn’t see that through my
accident I couldn’t see that through my
accident I couldn’t see that through my story and then all of a sudden I totally
story and then all of a sudden I totally
story and then all of a sudden I totally got it
got it
got it I totally understood why he had such
I totally understood why he had such
I totally understood why he had such energy and passion around what he was
energy and passion around what he was
energy and passion around what he was doing he wasn’t just getting his black
doing he wasn’t just getting his black
doing he wasn’t just getting his black belt it was much much more meaningful
belt it was much much more meaningful
belt it was much much more meaningful than that to him and so that’s an
than that to him and so that’s an
than that to him and so that’s an example of the power of when we get out
example of the power of when we get out
example of the power of when we get out of our story and into someone else’s
of our story and into someone else’s
of our story and into someone else’s story we’re able to deeply understand
story we’re able to deeply understand
story we’re able to deeply understand why they do what they do and when we
why they do what they do and when we
why they do what they do and when we understand why people do what they do
understand why people do what they do
understand why people do what they do when we when we understand the story
when we when we understand the story
when we when we understand the story that’s behind their actions we
that’s behind their actions we
that’s behind their actions we understand them and it develops that
understand them and it develops that
understand them and it develops that sense of our common humanity that
sense of our common humanity that
sense of our common humanity that supersedes that transcends our
supersedes that transcends our
supersedes that transcends our differences so in summary the three
differences so in summary the three
differences so in summary the three conditions are to acknowledge that we’re
conditions are to acknowledge that we’re
conditions are to acknowledge that we’re all in this together and we need to
all in this together and we need to
all in this together and we need to figure out how to work together we have
figure out how to work together we have
figure out how to work together we have to prioritize what the relationship over
to prioritize what the relationship over
to prioritize what the relationship over being right we have to take the time to
being right we have to take the time to
being right we have to take the time to really build those relationships and the
really build those relationships and the
really build those relationships and the key to building those relationships is
key to building those relationships is
key to building those relationships is to see beyond your story and really to
to see beyond your story and really to
to see beyond your story and really to get to know the story of the others
get to know the story of the others
get to know the story of the others thank you
thank you
thank you [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] you
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