a month ago Alison Spain doing an engineering song
Alison Spain doing an engineering song
Alison Spain doing an engineering song program and the process of making new
program and the process of making new
program and the process of making new friends and getting to know each other
friends and getting to know each other
friends and getting to know each other we were bonding over some of our
we were bonding over some of our
we were bonding over some of our childhood stories just like everyone
childhood stories just like everyone
childhood stories just like everyone else I was talking about my sibling
else I was talking about my sibling
else I was talking about my sibling particularly my sister and how we would
particularly my sister and how we would
particularly my sister and how we would empty my grandpa’s fish pond fill it
empty my grandpa’s fish pond fill it
empty my grandpa’s fish pond fill it with clean water and pretend like we’re
with clean water and pretend like we’re
with clean water and pretend like we’re in a pool or how my sister did not want
in a pool or how my sister did not want
in a pool or how my sister did not want to play with me when I had chickenpox
to play with me when I had chickenpox
to play with me when I had chickenpox because of this smelly lotion I had to
because of this smelly lotion I had to
because of this smelly lotion I had to apply but I was able to get her back
apply but I was able to get her back
apply but I was able to get her back when she broke her leg while playing
when she broke her leg while playing
when she broke her leg while playing with other kids keV logic curious my
with other kids keV logic curious my
with other kids keV logic curious my friend asked how old is your sister
friend asked how old is your sister
friend asked how old is your sister my heart raced for a few minutes
my heart raced for a few minutes
my heart raced for a few minutes that was a discomfort in my chest a
that was a discomfort in my chest a
that was a discomfort in my chest a feeling in my brain like excess caffeine
feeling in my brain like excess caffeine
feeling in my brain like excess caffeine then sets in deep I felt the urge to run
then sets in deep I felt the urge to run
then sets in deep I felt the urge to run escape and hide I did not know what to
escape and hide I did not know what to
escape and hide I did not know what to do what I did know was that I did not
do what I did know was that I did not
do what I did know was that I did not want people to feel sorry for me trying
want people to feel sorry for me trying
want people to feel sorry for me trying to sound as composed as possible I said
to sound as composed as possible I said
to sound as composed as possible I said she’s 22
Virginie loved eating food as much as
Virginie loved eating food as much as she loved preparing it she loved making
she loved preparing it she loved making
she loved preparing it she loved making crafts for the house and as souvenirs
crafts for the house and as souvenirs
crafts for the house and as souvenirs for her friends
for her friends
for her friends three years one month and 29 days ago
three years one month and 29 days ago
three years one month and 29 days ago Virginie was diagnosed with tongue
Virginie was diagnosed with tongue
Virginie was diagnosed with tongue cancer tongue cancer is a type of oral
cancer tongue cancer is a type of oral
cancer tongue cancer is a type of oral cancer that develops in the squamous
cancer that develops in the squamous
cancer that develops in the squamous cells the thin black cells that cover
cells the thin black cells that cover
cells the thin black cells that cover the surface of the tongue
the surface of the tongue
the surface of the tongue I remember the night very clearly my dad
I remember the night very clearly my dad
I remember the night very clearly my dad was already at the hospital and my mom
was already at the hospital and my mom
was already at the hospital and my mom was staying with her the nurse said we
was staying with her the nurse said we
was staying with her the nurse said we should take her home because she might
should take her home because she might
should take her home because she might not make it for her blood tests on the
not make it for her blood tests on the
not make it for her blood tests on the next day by that time it was too late
next day by that time it was too late
next day by that time it was too late for doctors to sign papers for her to be
for doctors to sign papers for her to be
for doctors to sign papers for her to be taken home my parents were overwhelmed
taken home my parents were overwhelmed
taken home my parents were overwhelmed as they were going back and forth i sat
as they were going back and forth i sat
as they were going back and forth i sat down with my sister and I held her hand
down with my sister and I held her hand
down with my sister and I held her hand she did not hold mine back her cancer
she did not hold mine back her cancer
she did not hold mine back her cancer had progress to a stage where she could
had progress to a stage where she could
had progress to a stage where she could only move her eyes can you imagine being
only move her eyes can you imagine being
only move her eyes can you imagine being locked in your body wanting to move and
locked in your body wanting to move and
locked in your body wanting to move and only have the ability to move your eyes
only have the ability to move your eyes
only have the ability to move your eyes I was caught off guard I remember the
I was caught off guard I remember the
I was caught off guard I remember the times when they were just headaches and
times when they were just headaches and
times when they were just headaches and then she started losing weight and after
then she started losing weight and after
then she started losing weight and after that her hair then she had a tube in
that her hair then she had a tube in
that her hair then she had a tube in Hertford because she could not breathe
Hertford because she could not breathe
Hertford because she could not breathe and after that a tube in her stomach her
and after that a tube in her stomach her
and after that a tube in her stomach her head became too heavy to carry beds so
head became too heavy to carry beds so
head became too heavy to carry beds so started to spread from her upper back to
started to spread from her upper back to
started to spread from her upper back to her lower body I was distraught we
her lower body I was distraught we
her lower body I was distraught we thought we had more time with her I had
thought we had more time with her I had
thought we had more time with her I had convinced myself that she was going to
convinced myself that she was going to
convinced myself that she was going to make it through after all two weeks
make it through after all two weeks
make it through after all two weeks before that she said to me you’re going
before that she said to me you’re going
before that she said to me you’re going to help me apply to college when I get
to help me apply to college when I get
to help me apply to college when I get out of here right she wanted to study
out of here right she wanted to study
out of here right she wanted to study for the nutrition and interior designing
for the nutrition and interior designing
for the nutrition and interior designing Virginie and i had planned to study
Virginie and i had planned to study
Virginie and i had planned to study abroad since we were kids she was going
abroad since we were kids she was going
abroad since we were kids she was going to do her first bachelor’s degree in
to do her first bachelor’s degree in
to do her first bachelor’s degree in mauritius and i was going to go to the
mauritius and i was going to go to the
mauritius and i was going to go to the united states then she would join me
united states then she would join me
united states then she would join me there years later for her master’s
there years later for her master’s
there years later for her master’s degree we had it all planned out that
degree we had it all planned out that
degree we had it all planned out that night we took her home in an ambulance I
night we took her home in an ambulance I
night we took her home in an ambulance I fell asleep to the sound of the tube in
fell asleep to the sound of the tube in
fell asleep to the sound of the tube in her throat made as she was trying to
her throat made as she was trying to
her throat made as she was trying to breathe
breathe
breathe that was my lullaby for the night I
that was my lullaby for the night I
that was my lullaby for the night I found solace and let sound because it
found solace and let sound because it
found solace and let sound because it meant that she was still alive
go talk to her my dad whispered as he
go talk to her my dad whispered as he woke me up in the middle of the night
woke me up in the middle of the night
woke me up in the middle of the night tell her all the things you have to say
tell her all the things you have to say
tell her all the things you have to say my parents were saying the goodbyes but
my parents were saying the goodbyes but
my parents were saying the goodbyes but how do you even begin to tell a younger
how do you even begin to tell a younger
how do you even begin to tell a younger sister how do you even begin to tell me
sister how do you even begin to tell me
sister how do you even begin to tell me that my lifetime best friend will not be
that my lifetime best friend will not be
that my lifetime best friend will not be cheering for me at my high-school
cheering for me at my high-school
cheering for me at my high-school graduation when I get into college when
graduation when I get into college when
graduation when I get into college when I start falling in love that my lifetime
I start falling in love that my lifetime
I start falling in love that my lifetime best friend will not be my maid of honor
it has been two years without my sister
it has been two years without my sister two years that would have covered
two years that would have covered
two years that would have covered thousands of messages hundreds of Skype
thousands of messages hundreds of Skype
thousands of messages hundreds of Skype calls countless cups of tea she loved
calls countless cups of tea she loved
calls countless cups of tea she loved tea hugs and kisses that have not been
tea hugs and kisses that have not been
tea hugs and kisses that have not been exchanged and landmark events in my life
exchanged and landmark events in my life
exchanged and landmark events in my life all missing from my 2015 memory log
sometimes I
sometimes I ask myself
ask myself
ask myself what if we had discovered her cancer
what if we had discovered her cancer
what if we had discovered her cancer earlier
earlier
earlier what if we had gone to a different
what if we had gone to a different
what if we had gone to a different doctor but if we had been more cautious
doctor but if we had been more cautious
doctor but if we had been more cautious of other things we eat what if I had
of other things we eat what if I had
of other things we eat what if I had spent more time with her what if she
spent more time with her what if she
spent more time with her what if she survived what if we had more money but
survived what if we had more money but
survived what if we had more money but if I had not gone away for boarding
if I had not gone away for boarding
if I had not gone away for boarding school what if what if and what if but
school what if what if and what if but
school what if what if and what if but actually but if I gave cancer a second
actually but if I gave cancer a second
actually but if I gave cancer a second chance
chance
chance you know instead of looking at it as a
you know instead of looking at it as a
you know instead of looking at it as a disease that took my sister away from me
disease that took my sister away from me
disease that took my sister away from me what if I looked at all the lessons they
what if I looked at all the lessons they
what if I looked at all the lessons they carried like how we take care of
carried like how we take care of
carried like how we take care of ourselves how we love each other how
ourselves how we love each other how
ourselves how we love each other how much time we spend with each other what
much time we spend with each other what
much time we spend with each other what if I look at this traumatic event
if I look at this traumatic event
if I look at this traumatic event differently although my sister will
differently although my sister will
differently although my sister will never come back to me I can choose how
never come back to me I can choose how
never come back to me I can choose how to perceive her loss I can choose how to
to perceive her loss I can choose how to
to perceive her loss I can choose how to deal with traumatic experiences you see
deal with traumatic experiences you see
deal with traumatic experiences you see it what death comes a lot of self-pity
it what death comes a lot of self-pity
it what death comes a lot of self-pity and a lot of questioning people would
and a lot of questioning people would
and a lot of questioning people would look at their friend’s lives and wonder
look at their friend’s lives and wonder
look at their friend’s lives and wonder why did they have all the luck they feel
why did they have all the luck they feel
why did they have all the luck they feel sorry for themselves while it is okay to
sorry for themselves while it is okay to
sorry for themselves while it is okay to be sad when something bad happens
be sad when something bad happens
be sad when something bad happens self-pity goes beyond that
self-pity goes beyond that
self-pity goes beyond that we ask ourselves what if for many people
we ask ourselves what if for many people
we ask ourselves what if for many people when they lose someone close they go
when they lose someone close they go
when they lose someone close they go into depression are they mourn for a
into depression are they mourn for a
into depression are they mourn for a long time or they go into denial unable
long time or they go into denial unable
long time or they go into denial unable to heal and move forward
to heal and move forward
to heal and move forward but what if we could change our
but what if we could change our
but what if we could change our perspective
perspective
perspective as a member of a community a community
as a member of a community a community
as a member of a community a community small or Bank as the community were all
small or Bank as the community were all
small or Bank as the community were all part of as humankind sometimes we
part of as humankind sometimes we
part of as humankind sometimes we experience trauma and sometimes this
experience trauma and sometimes this
experience trauma and sometimes this traumatic events can be unpredictable
traumatic events can be unpredictable
traumatic events can be unpredictable and they bring us to our knees and so I
and they bring us to our knees and so I
and they bring us to our knees and so I say let them
say let them
say let them let’s take a step back let go of trying
let’s take a step back let go of trying
let’s take a step back let go of trying to change it or even wanting it to be
to change it or even wanting it to be
to change it or even wanting it to be different let go of the hands of those
different let go of the hands of those
different let go of the hands of those in the circle of community you’re in so
in the circle of community you’re in so
in the circle of community you’re in so you can mourn heal and reflect and then
you can mourn heal and reflect and then
you can mourn heal and reflect and then this space and in that space feel your
this space and in that space feel your
this space and in that space feel your vulnerability what matters most to you
vulnerability what matters most to you
vulnerability what matters most to you your deepest intention and be curious to
your deepest intention and be curious to
your deepest intention and be curious to connect to what and who is really here
connect to what and who is really here
connect to what and who is really here awake and alive
then step back into yourself back into
then step back into yourself back into that circle rejoin hands with others
that circle rejoin hands with others
that circle rejoin hands with others because there’s so much to experience
because there’s so much to experience
because there’s so much to experience and give back so much more living to do
and give back so much more living to do
and give back so much more living to do I decided I had to choose a different
I decided I had to choose a different
I decided I had to choose a different path I chose to see my sister’s death
path I chose to see my sister’s death
path I chose to see my sister’s death from a different lens my sisters battle
from a different lens my sisters battle
from a different lens my sisters battle with cancer has been for me and my
with cancer has been for me and my
with cancer has been for me and my family or jerry full of grief pain
family or jerry full of grief pain
family or jerry full of grief pain lessons learned and blessings from not
lessons learned and blessings from not
lessons learned and blessings from not agreeing with a doctor when he told her
agreeing with a doctor when he told her
agreeing with a doctor when he told her she only had a few months to live –
she only had a few months to live –
she only had a few months to live – talking about going to college a few
talking about going to college a few
talking about going to college a few days before she passed my sister has
days before she passed my sister has
days before she passed my sister has been a living example of hope she
been a living example of hope she
been a living example of hope she started to have this beautiful
started to have this beautiful
started to have this beautiful perception of time the goals of hope her
perception of time the goals of hope her
perception of time the goals of hope her giving hope to someone who’s terminally
giving hope to someone who’s terminally
giving hope to someone who’s terminally ill need not involve disease remission
ill need not involve disease remission
ill need not involve disease remission or cure or even prolongation of life but
or cure or even prolongation of life but
or cure or even prolongation of life but rather smaller mo focused
rather smaller mo focused
rather smaller mo focused objectives such as spending time with
objectives such as spending time with
objectives such as spending time with her best friend while she’s on the
her best friend while she’s on the
her best friend while she’s on the hospital bed or being home for a few
hospital bed or being home for a few
hospital bed or being home for a few days or simply a conversation with dad
days or simply a conversation with dad
days or simply a conversation with dad Thomas wore rights as active treatment
Thomas wore rights as active treatment
Thomas wore rights as active treatment fails hope can take on another form hope
fails hope can take on another form hope
fails hope can take on another form hope is that the remaining days of life will
is that the remaining days of life will
is that the remaining days of life will be happy once that tasks at the end of
be happy once that tasks at the end of
be happy once that tasks at the end of life will be addressed relationships
life will be addressed relationships
life will be addressed relationships mended and finalized and every moment
mended and finalized and every moment
mended and finalized and every moment treasured I remember the time when
treasured I remember the time when
treasured I remember the time when doctors told us she didn’t have much
doctors told us she didn’t have much
doctors told us she didn’t have much time left and my dad had lost it in the
time left and my dad had lost it in the
time left and my dad had lost it in the hospital he was inconsolable she held
hospital he was inconsolable she held
hospital he was inconsolable she held his hand and said
his hand and said
his hand and said just picture me eating a nice KFC burger
just picture me eating a nice KFC burger
just picture me eating a nice KFC burger at the time half of her tongue was a
at the time half of her tongue was a
at the time half of her tongue was a lump of dead cells and she had a tube in
lump of dead cells and she had a tube in
lump of dead cells and she had a tube in her throat and in her stomach that she
her throat and in her stomach that she
her throat and in her stomach that she would have had to keep if she had
would have had to keep if she had
would have had to keep if she had survived my sister’s death has taught me
survived my sister’s death has taught me
survived my sister’s death has taught me how to live life to the best of my
how to live life to the best of my
how to live life to the best of my ability today I want to share with you
ability today I want to share with you
ability today I want to share with you values that have helped me heal and move
values that have helped me heal and move
values that have helped me heal and move forward following the loss of my sister
whether we like it or not the time we
whether we like it or not the time we have on earth is limited we need to make
have on earth is limited we need to make
have on earth is limited we need to make the most out of it today we have to to
the most out of it today we have to to
the most out of it today we have to to start appreciating the little things and
start appreciating the little things and
start appreciating the little things and we need to be grateful for the little
we need to be grateful for the little
we need to be grateful for the little things and the big things
things and the big things
things and the big things when doctors told us Virginie only had
when doctors told us Virginie only had
when doctors told us Virginie only had 10 days to live
10 days to live
10 days to live we only then saw how precious and
we only then saw how precious and
we only then saw how precious and limited time was
limited time was
limited time was one minute was not just one minute for
one minute was not just one minute for
one minute was not just one minute for us it was 60 seconds
it’s funny how we often forget about
it’s funny how we often forget about decisions we make or even made around
decisions we make or even made around
decisions we make or even made around living in the moment
living in the moment
living in the moment appreciating the little things or to not
appreciating the little things or to not
appreciating the little things or to not take things for granted we leave spaces
take things for granted we leave spaces
take things for granted we leave spaces like this and easily go back to being
like this and easily go back to being
like this and easily go back to being overworked being too busy for the
overworked being too busy for the
overworked being too busy for the moments that really matter in the grand
moments that really matter in the grand
moments that really matter in the grand scheme of things we go back to planning
scheme of things we go back to planning
scheme of things we go back to planning our entire lives down to the retirement
our entire lives down to the retirement
our entire lives down to the retirement we hope to have by the age of 65 and all
we hope to have by the age of 65 and all
we hope to have by the age of 65 and all the things we’ll do once we reach that
the things we’ll do once we reach that
the things we’ll do once we reach that age of supposed freedom and independence
age of supposed freedom and independence
age of supposed freedom and independence in fact we often become so busy trying
in fact we often become so busy trying
in fact we often become so busy trying to build a life that we forget how to
to build a life that we forget how to
to build a life that we forget how to live one I think we tend to view life as
live one I think we tend to view life as
live one I think we tend to view life as this never-ending road where we are
this never-ending road where we are
this never-ending road where we are guaranteed to wake up healthy and happy
guaranteed to wake up healthy and happy
guaranteed to wake up healthy and happy tomorrow and for many years to come and
tomorrow and for many years to come and
tomorrow and for many years to come and even though we all know that that’s not
even though we all know that that’s not
even though we all know that that’s not necessarily the case we live as though
necessarily the case we live as though
necessarily the case we live as though it is we overlook the seemingly
it is we overlook the seemingly
it is we overlook the seemingly meaningless for the something meaningful
meaningless for the something meaningful
meaningless for the something meaningful and will live for the big things and not
and will live for the big things and not
and will live for the big things and not for today so tell them how you really
for today so tell them how you really
for today so tell them how you really feel take your dream trip spend every
feel take your dream trip spend every
feel take your dream trip spend every Sunday in your pajamas stuff your face
Sunday in your pajamas stuff your face
Sunday in your pajamas stuff your face with cheese pizza sing with your
with cheese pizza sing with your
with cheese pizza sing with your not-so-great sometimes – high-pitched
not-so-great sometimes – high-pitched
not-so-great sometimes – high-pitched voice watch every season of house of
voice watch every season of house of
voice watch every season of house of cards in just one day I’m the Eiffel
cards in just one day I’m the Eiffel
cards in just one day I’m the Eiffel Tower I mean watch the beautiful sunset
Tower I mean watch the beautiful sunset
Tower I mean watch the beautiful sunset over the ocean watch the waves rush in
over the ocean watch the waves rush in
over the ocean watch the waves rush in and retreat in my case it meant fighting
and retreat in my case it meant fighting
and retreat in my case it meant fighting her Cod every single day to remind her
her Cod every single day to remind her
her Cod every single day to remind her how much she means to me or visiting
how much she means to me or visiting
how much she means to me or visiting Hahn the hospital every single day no
Hahn the hospital every single day no
Hahn the hospital every single day no matter what for my mom it meant two
matter what for my mom it meant two
matter what for my mom it meant two hours of sleep every night for seven
hours of sleep every night for seven
hours of sleep every night for seven months
months
months and for my dad it’s meant rushing to the
and for my dad it’s meant rushing to the
and for my dad it’s meant rushing to the hospital every single day after seven
hospital every single day after seven
hospital every single day after seven hours day work
all of us Amen charging each other’s
all of us Amen charging each other’s presence while we still could having a
presence while we still could having a
presence while we still could having a child in the hospital and not knowing
child in the hospital and not knowing
child in the hospital and not knowing what tomorrow holds
what tomorrow holds
what tomorrow holds definitely teaches you how to make the
definitely teaches you how to make the
definitely teaches you how to make the most out of today some idea friends
most out of today some idea friends
most out of today some idea friends peers colleagues members of this
peers colleagues members of this
peers colleagues members of this community we’re all part of let’s not
community we’re all part of let’s not
community we’re all part of let’s not forget how to live and be present
forget how to live and be present
forget how to live and be present follow your heart completely do it while
follow your heart completely do it while
follow your heart completely do it while you’re still here because remember just
you’re still here because remember just
you’re still here because remember just when the caterpillar thought the world
when the caterpillar thought the world
when the caterpillar thought the world was over and became a butterfly
”
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