we usually think of conflict as something that happens between people
something that happens between people
something that happens between people after all who’s there when things go
after all who’s there when things go
after all who’s there when things go wrong people and people can be very
wrong people and people can be very
wrong people and people can be very annoying but they’re really just the
annoying but they’re really just the
annoying but they’re really just the part of the story that’s easiest to see
part of the story that’s easiest to see
part of the story that’s easiest to see in almost 30 years of working with
in almost 30 years of working with
in almost 30 years of working with employees at every level from warehouse
employees at every level from warehouse
employees at every level from warehouse associates and service reps to CEOs I’ve
associates and service reps to CEOs I’ve
associates and service reps to CEOs I’ve seen over and over what happens when we
seen over and over what happens when we
seen over and over what happens when we hold the mistaken belief that conflict
hold the mistaken belief that conflict
hold the mistaken belief that conflict would not exist if those annoying people
would not exist if those annoying people
would not exist if those annoying people would just get themselves together and
would just get themselves together and
would just get themselves together and work things out unfortunately when we
work things out unfortunately when we
work things out unfortunately when we operate out of that belief we tend to
operate out of that belief we tend to
operate out of that belief we tend to say and do things that cause conflict to
say and do things that cause conflict to
say and do things that cause conflict to persist and to create even more damage
persist and to create even more damage
persist and to create even more damage to both organizations and the people in
to both organizations and the people in
to both organizations and the people in them and that’s true whether we’re
them and that’s true whether we’re
them and that’s true whether we’re talking about businesses or nonprofits
talking about businesses or nonprofits
talking about businesses or nonprofits schools even families and entire
schools even families and entire
schools even families and entire societies if we want to solve conflict
societies if we want to solve conflict
societies if we want to solve conflict we’ve got to do some digging we have to
we’ve got to do some digging we have to
we’ve got to do some digging we have to look at the structures that lie
look at the structures that lie
look at the structures that lie underneath the conflict and I’m gonna
underneath the conflict and I’m gonna
underneath the conflict and I’m gonna give you an example and then five steps
give you an example and then five steps
give you an example and then five steps that you can take to fix conflict
that you can take to fix conflict
that you can take to fix conflict wherever you are so a couple of years
wherever you are so a couple of years
wherever you are so a couple of years ago a CEO brought me in to work with two
ago a CEO brought me in to work with two
ago a CEO brought me in to work with two senior executives I’ll call them Amy and
senior executives I’ll call them Amy and
senior executives I’ll call them Amy and Bill and they were locked in a serious
Bill and they were locked in a serious
Bill and they were locked in a serious conflict and the CEO described it to me
conflict and the CEO described it to me
conflict and the CEO described it to me as a communication problem and it looked
as a communication problem and it looked
as a communication problem and it looked something like this
something like this
something like this now I interviewed Amy and Bill and they
now I interviewed Amy and Bill and they
now I interviewed Amy and Bill and they told me a different story
told me a different story
told me a different story from their description the conflict
from their description the conflict
from their description the conflict actually looked more like this they
actually looked more like this they
actually looked more like this they didn’t see it as a communication problem
didn’t see it as a communication problem
didn’t see it as a communication problem they saw it as differences in
they saw it as differences in
they saw it as differences in departmental opinions about how the work
departmental opinions about how the work
departmental opinions about how the work should be done in the company based on
should be done in the company based on
should be done in the company based on their beliefs about each other’s
their beliefs about each other’s
their beliefs about each other’s functional roles but then I interviewed
functional roles but then I interviewed
functional roles but then I interviewed Bill and Amy’s team members and other
Bill and Amy’s team members and other
Bill and Amy’s team members and other people in the organization and it turned
people in the organization and it turned
people in the organization and it turned out that the situation really looked
out that the situation really looked
out that the situation really looked like this you can see that underneath
like this you can see that underneath
like this you can see that underneath what looked sort of like a
what looked sort of like a
what looked sort of like a person-to-person conflict or a
person-to-person conflict or a
person-to-person conflict or a departmental conflict we have these
departmental conflict we have these
departmental conflict we have these deeply embedded structures including
deeply embedded structures including
deeply embedded structures including everything from company history and
everything from company history and
everything from company history and cultural norms to work processes and
cultural norms to work processes and
cultural norms to work processes and procedures now it seems unrealistic to
procedures now it seems unrealistic to
procedures now it seems unrealistic to blame individuals and to treat them as
blame individuals and to treat them as
blame individuals and to treat them as if they have sole responsibility for
if they have sole responsibility for
if they have sole responsibility for conflict when as you can see they’re
conflict when as you can see they’re
conflict when as you can see they’re really only the tip of the proverbial
really only the tip of the proverbial
really only the tip of the proverbial iceberg and it also seems unrealistic to
iceberg and it also seems unrealistic to
iceberg and it also seems unrealistic to think that we can come up with
think that we can come up with
think that we can come up with simplistic interpersonal solutions like
simplistic interpersonal solutions like
simplistic interpersonal solutions like sending Amy and Bill off to
sending Amy and Bill off to
sending Amy and Bill off to communication training or even to anger
communication training or even to anger
communication training or even to anger management classes no we have to
management classes no we have to
management classes no we have to excavate what’s under the conflict and
excavate what’s under the conflict and
excavate what’s under the conflict and bring it out into the open so that we
bring it out into the open so that we
bring it out into the open so that we can analyze understand and begin to
can analyze understand and begin to
can analyze understand and begin to resolve the human conflict that’s
resolve the human conflict that’s
resolve the human conflict that’s building on the top and now I’m going to
building on the top and now I’m going to
building on the top and now I’m going to give you five steps so you can do just
give you five steps so you can do just
give you five steps so you can do just that
that
that wherever you are step one we need to
wherever you are step one we need to
wherever you are step one we need to rule out the unfortunate possibility
rule out the unfortunate possibility
rule out the unfortunate possibility that a single dysfunctional individual
that a single dysfunctional individual
that a single dysfunctional individual is actually the source of conflict
is actually the source of conflict
is actually the source of conflict I don’t mean somebody who makes mistakes
I don’t mean somebody who makes mistakes
I don’t mean somebody who makes mistakes I mean someone who’s really a danger in
I mean someone who’s really a danger in
I mean someone who’s really a danger in organizations a common example of this
organizations a common example of this
organizations a common example of this is someone who’s a bully bullies don’t
is someone who’s a bully bullies don’t
is someone who’s a bully bullies don’t have the self-awareness to recognize
have the self-awareness to recognize
have the self-awareness to recognize when they’re hurting other people and
when they’re hurting other people and
when they’re hurting other people and it’s very hard for them to give up
it’s very hard for them to give up
it’s very hard for them to give up whatever kinds of nasty behavior they
whatever kinds of nasty behavior they
whatever kinds of nasty behavior they believe has worked for them in the past
believe has worked for them in the past
believe has worked for them in the past a second common example of the kind of
a second common example of the kind of
a second common example of the kind of dysfunctional person who can truly be
dysfunctional person who can truly be
dysfunctional person who can truly be the source of conflict is someone who’s
the source of conflict is someone who’s
the source of conflict is someone who’s an incompetent they create a lot of mess
an incompetent they create a lot of mess
an incompetent they create a lot of mess they sometimes fake their way into a job
they sometimes fake their way into a job
they sometimes fake their way into a job and in other cases you may have seen
and in other cases you may have seen
and in other cases you may have seen people promoted beyond their capability
people promoted beyond their capability
people promoted beyond their capability now the lucky thing about workplace
now the lucky thing about workplace
now the lucky thing about workplace conflict is that it is completely
conflict is that it is completely
conflict is that it is completely legitimate and appropriate to screen out
legitimate and appropriate to screen out
legitimate and appropriate to screen out dysfunctional individuals or to deal
dysfunctional individuals or to deal
dysfunctional individuals or to deal with them through a combination of
with them through a combination of
with them through a combination of coaching counseling and corrective
coaching counseling and corrective
coaching counseling and corrective action so once you have dealt with or
action so once you have dealt with or
action so once you have dealt with or screened out your dysfunctional person
screened out your dysfunctional person
screened out your dysfunctional person you can go on to step two and that’s
you can go on to step two and that’s
you can go on to step two and that’s asking the right people the right
asking the right people the right
asking the right people the right questions you might think that you
questions you might think that you
questions you might think that you should store it with the folks who are
should store it with the folks who are
should store it with the folks who are in control the people who have power and
in control the people who have power and
in control the people who have power and status but it doesn’t work because
status but it doesn’t work because
status but it doesn’t work because they’re not close enough to the real
they’re not close enough to the real
they’re not close enough to the real action instead you need to interview the
action instead you need to interview the
action instead you need to interview the people who are experiencing events on
people who are experiencing events on
people who are experiencing events on the ground and you need a full range of
the ground and you need a full range of
the ground and you need a full range of their opinions because even though
their opinions because even though
their opinions because even though they’ll try to give you their honest
they’ll try to give you their honest
they’ll try to give you their honest opinion each one by its very nature is
opinion each one by its very nature is
opinion each one by its very nature is incomplete because they’re bounded by
incomplete because they’re bounded by
incomplete because they’re bounded by their individual experiences and their
their individual experiences and their
their individual experiences and their perceptions so you need a broad range of
perceptions so you need a broad range of
perceptions so you need a broad range of views and that permits you when you have
views and that permits you when you have
views and that permits you when you have the full picture to start to see the
the full picture to start to see the
the full picture to start to see the patterns and dynamics operating
patterns and dynamics operating
patterns and dynamics operating underneath and what kind of questions
underneath and what kind of questions
underneath and what kind of questions can you ask here are some that I like to
can you ask here are some that I like to
can you ask here are some that I like to use
use
use can you tell me what goes right here
can you tell me what goes right here
can you tell me what goes right here what’s the thing that whenever it
what’s the thing that whenever it
what’s the thing that whenever it happens it makes you nuts is there
happens it makes you nuts is there
happens it makes you nuts is there something that would help you do your
something that would help you do your
something that would help you do your job better and why do you stay if it
job better and why do you stay if it
job better and why do you stay if it sounds like there are so many problems
sounds like there are so many problems
sounds like there are so many problems here so let me recap we rule out the
here so let me recap we rule out the
here so let me recap we rule out the dysfunctional individual and then we ask
dysfunctional individual and then we ask
dysfunctional individual and then we ask the right people the right questions and
the right people the right questions and
the right people the right questions and that lets us go on to step three and
that lets us go on to step three and
that lets us go on to step three and that’s making sure that everyone is
that’s making sure that everyone is
that’s making sure that everyone is aligned that they have a consistent
aligned that they have a consistent
aligned that they have a consistent understanding of what the goals are
understanding of what the goals are
understanding of what the goals are who’s responsible for which decisions
who’s responsible for which decisions
who’s responsible for which decisions and who does what to whom you would be
and who does what to whom you would be
and who does what to whom you would be amazed at how many sincere well-meaning
amazed at how many sincere well-meaning
amazed at how many sincere well-meaning people can have deep disagreements about
people can have deep disagreements about
people can have deep disagreements about goals and means including fairly obvious
goals and means including fairly obvious
goals and means including fairly obvious things like who has budget Authority and
things like who has budget Authority and
things like who has budget Authority and who has responsibility for which
who has responsibility for which
who has responsibility for which decisions and who can take credit for
decisions and who can take credit for
decisions and who can take credit for success an example at one of my clients
success an example at one of my clients
success an example at one of my clients a senior leader assigned overlapping
a senior leader assigned overlapping
a senior leader assigned overlapping responsibilities for the same turf to
responsibilities for the same turf to
responsibilities for the same turf to two different executives these two execs
two different executives these two execs
two different executives these two execs and their teams fought for an entire
and their teams fought for an entire
and their teams fought for an entire year over who got to call which shots
year over who got to call which shots
year over who got to call which shots and who was going to take the blame for
and who was going to take the blame for
and who was going to take the blame for declining performance results the human
declining performance results the human
declining performance results the human resources group came in tried to
resources group came in tried to
resources group came in tried to facilitate a truce encourage better
facilitate a truce encourage better
facilitate a truce encourage better behavior but until the senior leader
behavior but until the senior leader
behavior but until the senior leader left and the overlapping assignments
left and the overlapping assignments
left and the overlapping assignments came fully to light and were completely
came fully to light and were completely
came fully to light and were completely redefined there was no change because
redefined there was no change because
redefined there was no change because it’s very hard to think that just a
it’s very hard to think that just a
it’s very hard to think that just a little good behavior pleasantness trying
little good behavior pleasantness trying
little good behavior pleasantness trying harder is going to make a difference
harder is going to make a difference
harder is going to make a difference when you have two different sets of feet
when you have two different sets of feet
when you have two different sets of feet standing in the same space
the fourth step is to find allies at all
the fourth step is to find allies at all levels in the organization to help you
levels in the organization to help you
levels in the organization to help you implement the change because even if
implement the change because even if
implement the change because even if you’ve ruled out the dysfunctional
you’ve ruled out the dysfunctional
you’ve ruled out the dysfunctional individuals and you’ve asked the right
individuals and you’ve asked the right
individuals and you’ve asked the right people the right questions and you’ve
people the right questions and you’ve
people the right questions and you’ve aligned around the goals and the means
aligned around the goals and the means
aligned around the goals and the means if you don’t have a critical mass of
if you don’t have a critical mass of
if you don’t have a critical mass of participation nothing substantial is
participation nothing substantial is
participation nothing substantial is going to happen at one of my clients
going to happen at one of my clients
going to happen at one of my clients there was a persistent conflict in the
there was a persistent conflict in the
there was a persistent conflict in the executive team itself I was facilitating
executive team itself I was facilitating
executive team itself I was facilitating a group of mid-level managers and these
a group of mid-level managers and these
a group of mid-level managers and these people really needed to get their work
people really needed to get their work
people really needed to get their work done so they were willing to work on
done so they were willing to work on
done so they were willing to work on concrete practical solutions together in
concrete practical solutions together in
concrete practical solutions together in ways that their bosses were not over
ways that their bosses were not over
ways that their bosses were not over time we were able to build bridges
time we were able to build bridges
time we were able to build bridges across the various departments these
across the various departments these
across the various departments these allies communicated the concepts down to
allies communicated the concepts down to
allies communicated the concepts down to their teams and eventually they were
their teams and eventually they were
their teams and eventually they were able to start managing up in ways that
able to start managing up in ways that
able to start managing up in ways that created better performance better
created better performance better
created better performance better productivity and definitely better
productivity and definitely better
productivity and definitely better behavior even within the executive team
behavior even within the executive team
behavior even within the executive team and the fifth step teach new habits for
and the fifth step teach new habits for
and the fifth step teach new habits for managing differences I’ve talked about
managing differences I’ve talked about
managing differences I’ve talked about the problems with structures and how you
the problems with structures and how you
the problems with structures and how you have to recognize them and what their
have to recognize them and what their
have to recognize them and what their impact can be but from time to time
impact can be but from time to time
impact can be but from time to time people do have significant interpersonal
people do have significant interpersonal
people do have significant interpersonal communication problems so it only makes
communication problems so it only makes
communication problems so it only makes sense to teach some new techniques and
sense to teach some new techniques and
sense to teach some new techniques and habits that can help people deal with
habits that can help people deal with
habits that can help people deal with the strong feelings and the stressful
the strong feelings and the stressful
the strong feelings and the stressful thinking that conflict brings with it
thinking that conflict brings with it
thinking that conflict brings with it here are just a few of the habits I
here are just a few of the habits I
here are just a few of the habits I teach my clients the first one is called
teach my clients the first one is called
teach my clients the first one is called lizard listening I remind clients that
lizard listening I remind clients that
lizard listening I remind clients that our amygdala our ancient lizard brain
our amygdala our ancient lizard brain
our amygdala our ancient lizard brain interprets a mute emotional cues as if
interprets a mute emotional cues as if
interprets a mute emotional cues as if they were present physical danger even
they were present physical danger even
they were present physical danger even before we have a chance to a
before we have a chance to a
before we have a chance to a what’s going on or interpret them
what’s going on or interpret them
what’s going on or interpret them logically I encourage them to reconsider
logically I encourage them to reconsider
logically I encourage them to reconsider what they’ve just said or are planning
what they’ve just said or are planning
what they’ve just said or are planning to say to their counterpart in conflict
to say to their counterpart in conflict
to say to their counterpart in conflict and to think about what will happen when
and to think about what will happen when
and to think about what will happen when that counterpart filters the
that counterpart filters the
that counterpart filters the conversation through their lizard brain
conversation through their lizard brain
conversation through their lizard brain what misconceptions could come up
what misconceptions could come up
what misconceptions could come up inaccurate
inaccurate
inaccurate negative beliefs what could be
negative beliefs what could be
negative beliefs what could be misconstrued even perfectly good
misconstrued even perfectly good
misconstrued even perfectly good intentions are there ways to reframe
intentions are there ways to reframe
intentions are there ways to reframe those negatives so that the next
those negatives so that the next
those negatives so that the next conversation can be more persuasive and
conversation can be more persuasive and
conversation can be more persuasive and more positive then we have the evil
more positive then we have the evil
more positive then we have the evil logic check when somebody bothers us we
logic check when somebody bothers us we
logic check when somebody bothers us we tend to think of them as a bad person
tend to think of them as a bad person
tend to think of them as a bad person so when clients complain about the bad
so when clients complain about the bad
so when clients complain about the bad people they work with I asked them
people they work with I asked them
people they work with I asked them specifically if they think their
specifically if they think their
specifically if they think their counterpart is evil and that’s the word
counterpart is evil and that’s the word
counterpart is evil and that’s the word I use because it’s so strong no no they
I use because it’s so strong no no they
I use because it’s so strong no no they have to step back she’s not really evil
have to step back she’s not really evil
have to step back she’s not really evil she’s just annoying
she’s just annoying
she’s just annoying so then I press it a little bit further
so then I press it a little bit further
so then I press it a little bit further and I ask why would a smart person do
and I ask why would a smart person do
and I ask why would a smart person do such a stupid thing this leading
such a stupid thing this leading
such a stupid thing this leading question helps people reconsider what’s
question helps people reconsider what’s
question helps people reconsider what’s really going on with that annoying
really going on with that annoying
really going on with that annoying person and sometimes in addition to the
person and sometimes in addition to the
person and sometimes in addition to the alternative explanations for what they
alternative explanations for what they
alternative explanations for what they meant they can even develop some
meant they can even develop some
meant they can even develop some compassion for the annoying persons
compassion for the annoying persons
compassion for the annoying persons situation because after all when we
situation because after all when we
situation because after all when we label behavior as bad and stupid
label behavior as bad and stupid
label behavior as bad and stupid it is usually coming from some form of
it is usually coming from some form of
it is usually coming from some form of pressure fear or threat and then my
pressure fear or threat and then my
pressure fear or threat and then my favorite are these elephant cards
favorite are these elephant cards
favorite are these elephant cards sometimes there is something important
sometimes there is something important
sometimes there is something important and true that needs to be said but it’s
and true that needs to be said but it’s
and true that needs to be said but it’s too uncomfortable
too uncomfortable
too uncomfortable most of us don’t want to be the one to
most of us don’t want to be the one to
most of us don’t want to be the one to put someone on the spot we don’t like to
put someone on the spot we don’t like to
put someone on the spot we don’t like to say something that sounds unkind it can
say something that sounds unkind it can
say something that sounds unkind it can feel like a real risk to put
feel like a real risk to put
feel like a real risk to put undiscussables subjects on the table I
distribute these elephant cords at my
distribute these elephant cords at my facilitations
facilitations
facilitations when there’s something important going
when there’s something important going
when there’s something important going unsaid anybody in the room can play an
unsaid anybody in the room can play an
unsaid anybody in the room can play an elephant card I have clients who are
elephant card I have clients who are
elephant card I have clients who are doing this years later the very act of
doing this years later the very act of
doing this years later the very act of playing the card raises the possibility
playing the card raises the possibility
playing the card raises the possibility with other people who understand the
with other people who understand the
with other people who understand the significance that you can discuss topics
significance that you can discuss topics
significance that you can discuss topics which previously would have been
which previously would have been
which previously would have been impermissible okay so we have ruled out
impermissible okay so we have ruled out
impermissible okay so we have ruled out dysfunctional individuals we’ve asked
dysfunctional individuals we’ve asked
dysfunctional individuals we’ve asked the right people the right questions
the right people the right questions
the right people the right questions we’ve ensured that we have alignment
we’ve ensured that we have alignment
we’ve ensured that we have alignment we’ve looked for allies to help us
we’ve looked for allies to help us
we’ve looked for allies to help us implement the change and we’ve taught
implement the change and we’ve taught
implement the change and we’ve taught some specific techniques so people feel
some specific techniques so people feel
some specific techniques so people feel that they have a better way to
that they have a better way to
that they have a better way to communicate with each other now let me
communicate with each other now let me
communicate with each other now let me tell you working through these five
tell you working through these five
tell you working through these five steps it’s not easy it takes courage and
steps it’s not easy it takes courage and
steps it’s not easy it takes courage and commitment it takes a little humor and
commitment it takes a little humor and
commitment it takes a little humor and it takes a heap of effort to get
it takes a heap of effort to get
it takes a heap of effort to get traction on persistent conflict but if
traction on persistent conflict but if
traction on persistent conflict but if we are ever going to help our schools
we are ever going to help our schools
we are ever going to help our schools our workplaces and our civic
our workplaces and our civic
our workplaces and our civic organizations function better if we want
organizations function better if we want
organizations function better if we want to help people make the real
to help people make the real
to help people make the real contribution that they can we have to
contribution that they can we have to
contribution that they can we have to uncover and understand what’s truly
uncover and understand what’s truly
uncover and understand what’s truly underneath any conflict in any situation
underneath any conflict in any situation
underneath any conflict in any situation then we can help people work together
then we can help people work together
then we can help people work together successfully for everyone’s benefit
successfully for everyone’s benefit
successfully for everyone’s benefit wherever we are
wherever we are
wherever we are thank you
thank you
thank you [Applause]
”
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