I’m 14 years old and on the corner one of my oldest approaches I don’t know him
of my oldest approaches I don’t know him
of my oldest approaches I don’t know him personally but I know that he is
personally but I know that he is
personally but I know that he is respected and I know that I want to be
respected and I know that I want to be
respected and I know that I want to be respected by him he calls me over and
respected by him he calls me over and
respected by him he calls me over and asks me to take something to a friend of
asks me to take something to a friend of
asks me to take something to a friend of his now I’ve heard of this happen before
his now I’ve heard of this happen before
his now I’ve heard of this happen before and for some reason I agree immediately
and for some reason I agree immediately
and for some reason I agree immediately as he stands in front of me I realize
as he stands in front of me I realize
as he stands in front of me I realize how tall he is he has a slim build
how tall he is he has a slim build
how tall he is he has a slim build but broad shoulders he looks powerful
but broad shoulders he looks powerful
but broad shoulders he looks powerful intimidating without trying he hands me
intimidating without trying he hands me
intimidating without trying he hands me a tied-up blue plastic bag about the
a tied-up blue plastic bag about the
a tied-up blue plastic bag about the size of my fist I do I’ve seen others do
size of my fist I do I’ve seen others do
size of my fist I do I’ve seen others do and stuff the bag down the front of my
and stuff the bag down the front of my
and stuff the bag down the front of my jeans he gives me my directions and as
jeans he gives me my directions and as
jeans he gives me my directions and as he does he grasps my shoulder heart he
he does he grasps my shoulder heart he
he does he grasps my shoulder heart he looks me in my eyes and he tells me he
looks me in my eyes and he tells me he
looks me in my eyes and he tells me he trusts me I feel like a grown-up
trusts me I feel like a grown-up
trusts me I feel like a grown-up suddenly I feel like a man I make the
suddenly I feel like a man I make the
suddenly I feel like a man I make the drop off in a small Park in a nearby
drop off in a small Park in a nearby
drop off in a small Park in a nearby estate in exchange for the bag a man
estate in exchange for the bag a man
estate in exchange for the bag a man hands me a small roll of 10 and 20 pound
hands me a small roll of 10 and 20 pound
hands me a small roll of 10 and 20 pound notes and he treats it like loose change
notes and he treats it like loose change
notes and he treats it like loose change now
now
now I had never noticed it before but
I had never noticed it before but
I had never noticed it before but banknotes have a certain smell a mixture
banknotes have a certain smell a mixture
banknotes have a certain smell a mixture of paper metal and dirt
of paper metal and dirt
of paper metal and dirt I collect the roll tight to my chest
I collect the roll tight to my chest
I collect the roll tight to my chest it was the most money I’d ever seen as I
it was the most money I’d ever seen as I
it was the most money I’d ever seen as I cycled back I think about stealing the
cycled back I think about stealing the
cycled back I think about stealing the cash I think about what I could buy some
cash I think about what I could buy some
cash I think about what I could buy some Air Max 95 to replace my hiya ticks and
Air Max 95 to replace my hiya ticks and
Air Max 95 to replace my hiya ticks and some jeans that fit but it’s not the
some jeans that fit but it’s not the
some jeans that fit but it’s not the fear that stops me from stealing I don’t
fear that stops me from stealing I don’t
fear that stops me from stealing I don’t know it yet but I’m investing in my
know it yet but I’m investing in my
know it yet but I’m investing in my future
future
future somewhere in the back of my mind I
somewhere in the back of my mind I
somewhere in the back of my mind I understand that I have more to gain by
understand that I have more to gain by
understand that I have more to gain by being a part of his world by fitting in
being a part of his world by fitting in
being a part of his world by fitting in by being just like him when I get back I
by being just like him when I get back I
by being just like him when I get back I hand the money over it’s all there he
hand the money over it’s all there he
hand the money over it’s all there he peels up a single 20 pound note stuffs
peels up a single 20 pound note stuffs
peels up a single 20 pound note stuffs it in my pocket and tells me I did good
it in my pocket and tells me I did good
it in my pocket and tells me I did good he asked me my name and from then on
he asked me my name and from then on
he asked me my name and from then on whenever he sees me he greets me like a
whenever he sees me he greets me like a
whenever he sees me he greets me like a brother
brother
brother the feeling is intoxicating I’m hooked
the feeling is intoxicating I’m hooked
the feeling is intoxicating I’m hooked I crave his attention and his respect
I crave his attention and his respect
I crave his attention and his respect and I’ll do anything to earn it he
and I’ll do anything to earn it he
and I’ll do anything to earn it he introduces me to a community of
introduces me to a community of
introduces me to a community of like-minded people they’re strong
like-minded people they’re strong
like-minded people they’re strong they’re smart they’re funny
they’re smart they’re funny
they’re smart they’re funny they represent Who I want to be they
they represent Who I want to be they
they represent Who I want to be they become my new family he teaches me how
become my new family he teaches me how
become my new family he teaches me how to drive he teaches me how to fight he
to drive he teaches me how to fight he
to drive he teaches me how to fight he teaches me how to make the best out of
teaches me how to make the best out of
teaches me how to make the best out of any situation I am a young boy growing
any situation I am a young boy growing
any situation I am a young boy growing up in a man’s world learning how to be
up in a man’s world learning how to be
up in a man’s world learning how to be just like them
just like them
just like them I don’t know any different and I don’t
I don’t know any different and I don’t
I don’t know any different and I don’t want for anything else but something
want for anything else but something
want for anything else but something goes wrong and some of my new family get
goes wrong and some of my new family get
goes wrong and some of my new family get into some trouble he manages to walk
into some trouble he manages to walk
into some trouble he manages to walk away unscathed in my eyes it just makes
away unscathed in my eyes it just makes
away unscathed in my eyes it just makes him more mystical more powerful he still
him more mystical more powerful he still
him more mystical more powerful he still inspires me then I hear the rumors
inspires me then I hear the rumors
inspires me then I hear the rumors people say he snitched and two weeks
people say he snitched and two weeks
people say he snitched and two weeks after my 16th birthday he is killed
after my 16th birthday he is killed
after my 16th birthday he is killed nobody knows who did it and nobody goes
nobody knows who did it and nobody goes
nobody knows who did it and nobody goes to his funeral my new family are gone
to his funeral my new family are gone
to his funeral my new family are gone I’m surrounded by people who don’t trust
I’m surrounded by people who don’t trust
I’m surrounded by people who don’t trust me I represent something contaminated
me I represent something contaminated
me I represent something contaminated I’m alone again and suddenly I’m not
I’m alone again and suddenly I’m not
I’m alone again and suddenly I’m not sure what kind of man I want to be
sure what kind of man I want to be
sure what kind of man I want to be anymore so what is a man growing up in
anymore so what is a man growing up in
anymore so what is a man growing up in North London the scariest people I knew
North London the scariest people I knew
North London the scariest people I knew were women my mum
were women my mum
were women my mum my teacher in year five various on EES
my teacher in year five various on EES
my teacher in year five various on EES who weren’t really Arnie’s my friends
who weren’t really Arnie’s my friends
who weren’t really Arnie’s my friends none who chased me out a house when I
none who chased me out a house when I
none who chased me out a house when I spill a whole bottle of rye beer on the
spill a whole bottle of rye beer on the
spill a whole bottle of rye beer on the new cream carpet I come from a
new cream carpet I come from a
new cream carpet I come from a generation of men raised by women they
generation of men raised by women they
generation of men raised by women they ruled over us with no mercy be into a
ruled over us with no mercy be into a
ruled over us with no mercy be into a regular understood and condoned friends
regular understood and condoned friends
regular understood and condoned friends are for wax lyrical remember the time
are for wax lyrical remember the time
are for wax lyrical remember the time mummy hit you in a Hoover we get it now
mummy hit you in a Hoover we get it now
mummy hit you in a Hoover we get it now these were young women trying to teach
these were young women trying to teach
these were young women trying to teach young men the way of the world trying to
young men the way of the world trying to
young men the way of the world trying to get him to avoid the pitfalls try to
get him to avoid the pitfalls try to
get him to avoid the pitfalls try to give them access to opportunities that
give them access to opportunities that
give them access to opportunities that they never had but sometimes mummy isn’t
they never had but sometimes mummy isn’t
they never had but sometimes mummy isn’t enough my first fistfight when I was
enough my first fistfight when I was
enough my first fistfight when I was nine years old had me running home with
nine years old had me running home with
nine years old had me running home with a busted lip to her mother who really
a busted lip to her mother who really
a busted lip to her mother who really couldn’t see the world from my point of
couldn’t see the world from my point of
couldn’t see the world from my point of view in years to come my friend Robin
view in years to come my friend Robin
view in years to come my friend Robin Travis will write a book called mama
Travis will write a book called mama
Travis will write a book called mama can’t raise no man a book which were
can’t raise no man a book which were
can’t raise no man a book which were once again unpacking these feelings and
once again unpacking these feelings and
once again unpacking these feelings and show me for perhaps the first time they
show me for perhaps the first time they
show me for perhaps the first time they shared nature of our condition I was
shared nature of our condition I was
shared nature of our condition I was lonely growing up a single child until I
lonely growing up a single child until I
lonely growing up a single child until I was 10 I didn’t know it then but I
was 10 I didn’t know it then but I
was 10 I didn’t know it then but I craved a community and sense of
craved a community and sense of
craved a community and sense of belonging dads weren’t really around
belonging dads weren’t really around
belonging dads weren’t really around older father figures in the home tend to
older father figures in the home tend to
older father figures in the home tend to be immigrant grandfathers or older
be immigrant grandfathers or older
be immigrant grandfathers or older brothers / cousins I didn’t have a
brothers / cousins I didn’t have a
brothers / cousins I didn’t have a brother who had done it all before
brother who had done it all before
brother who had done it all before instead I had the immigrant grandfather
instead I had the immigrant grandfather
instead I had the immigrant grandfather a man so culturally far removed from
a man so culturally far removed from
a man so culturally far removed from what I saw and heard on a day-to-day
what I saw and heard on a day-to-day
what I saw and heard on a day-to-day basis that his lessons became obsolete
basis that his lessons became obsolete
basis that his lessons became obsolete and outmoded my mother did eventually
and outmoded my mother did eventually
and outmoded my mother did eventually find a great man who called me son but I
find a great man who called me son but I
find a great man who called me son but I haven’t explained to me the moon and the
haven’t explained to me the moon and the
haven’t explained to me the moon and the stars as we would walk home hand-in-hand
stars as we would walk home hand-in-hand
stars as we would walk home hand-in-hand the time would have never oblique um
the time would have never oblique um
the time would have never oblique um where I would pick the lessons I felt he
where I would pick the lessons I felt he
where I would pick the lessons I felt he could teach me my relationship with both
could teach me my relationship with both
could teach me my relationship with both of my parents became turbulent at best
of my parents became turbulent at best
of my parents became turbulent at best and before I left home I found myself
and before I left home I found myself
and before I left home I found myself pushing him further and further away so
pushing him further and further away so
pushing him further and further away so in the search of guidance and a
in the search of guidance and a
in the search of guidance and a desperate need to fit in I did the only
desperate need to fit in I did the only
desperate need to fit in I did the only thing that seemed available to me and
thing that seemed available to me and
thing that seemed available to me and many others turn into the young men we
many others turn into the young men we
many others turn into the young men we saw around us we became a generation of
saw around us we became a generation of
saw around us we became a generation of young men ray
young men ray
young men ray by our peers not our parents following a
by our peers not our parents following a
by our peers not our parents following a strict guideline to survival and an
strict guideline to survival and an
strict guideline to survival and an often desperate quest to be seen as a
often desperate quest to be seen as a
often desperate quest to be seen as a man to us being a man meant fast cars
man to us being a man meant fast cars
man to us being a man meant fast cars and designer label cloves it meant
and designer label cloves it meant
and designer label cloves it meant getting girls and making money and it
getting girls and making money and it
getting girls and making money and it meant doing whatever was necessary
meant doing whatever was necessary
meant doing whatever was necessary violence and intimidation became a
violence and intimidation became a
violence and intimidation became a language we use fear to make other men
language we use fear to make other men
language we use fear to make other men behave like us all of us trapped in a
behave like us all of us trapped in a
behave like us all of us trapped in a cycle of thinking that show in any sign
cycle of thinking that show in any sign
cycle of thinking that show in any sign of emotion or vulnerability was taboo
of emotion or vulnerability was taboo
of emotion or vulnerability was taboo our ideas of men and male role models
our ideas of men and male role models
our ideas of men and male role models were blanks filled in by the only men we
were blanks filled in by the only men we
were blanks filled in by the only men we had accessed you lines were blurred and
had accessed you lines were blurred and
had accessed you lines were blurred and hazy when does a boy become a man and
hazy when does a boy become a man and
hazy when does a boy become a man and what does he have to do to get there we
what does he have to do to get there we
what does he have to do to get there we idolize those who were able to change
idolize those who were able to change
idolize those who were able to change their circumstance regardless of a
their circumstance regardless of a
their circumstance regardless of a system we felt was designed to hold us
system we felt was designed to hold us
system we felt was designed to hold us back an invisible hand pushing us down a
back an invisible hand pushing us down a
back an invisible hand pushing us down a shared chip on all of our shoulders we
shared chip on all of our shoulders we
shared chip on all of our shoulders we would do whatever it takes we will break
would do whatever it takes we will break
would do whatever it takes we will break rules and then we would break laws
rules and then we would break laws
rules and then we would break laws justifying all of our actions by telling
justifying all of our actions by telling
justifying all of our actions by telling each other well world at least this much
each other well world at least this much
each other well world at least this much the times who were jailed stabbed or
the times who were jailed stabbed or
the times who were jailed stabbed or shot became medals and boys who became
shot became medals and boys who became
shot became medals and boys who became men became legends their actions
men became legends their actions
men became legends their actions deliberated upon with wide eyes and open
deliberated upon with wide eyes and open
deliberated upon with wide eyes and open mouths on school playgrounds their star
mouths on school playgrounds their star
mouths on school playgrounds their star rising with each retelling thereby
rising with each retelling thereby
rising with each retelling thereby inspiring the next generation of young
inspiring the next generation of young
inspiring the next generation of young men as to who they might want to be like
men as to who they might want to be like
men as to who they might want to be like when they grow up these are not
when they grow up these are not
when they grow up these are not decisions we made these were decisions
decisions we made these were decisions
decisions we made these were decisions made for us by our predecessors and all
made for us by our predecessors and all
made for us by our predecessors and all based on an extremely limited set of
based on an extremely limited set of
based on an extremely limited set of visible alternatives pathways were
visible alternatives pathways were
visible alternatives pathways were created and destroyed based on the
created and destroyed based on the
created and destroyed based on the information we had access to and what
information we had access to and what
information we had access to and what surrounded us sequences of
surrounded us sequences of
surrounded us sequences of uncontrollable events set into motion by
uncontrollable events set into motion by
uncontrollable events set into motion by the seemingly smallest of choices or at
the seemingly smallest of choices or at
the seemingly smallest of choices or at least that’s what happened to me but
least that’s what happened to me but
least that’s what happened to me but then I was one of the lucky few who
then I was one of the lucky few who
then I was one of the lucky few who through no fault or investment of my own
through no fault or investment of my own
through no fault or investment of my own managed to stumble upon a much wider
managed to stumble upon a much wider
managed to stumble upon a much wider horizon of prospects than any of us had
horizon of prospects than any of us had
horizon of prospects than any of us had ever imagined possible
ever imagined possible
ever imagined possible and at that point my idea of men becomes
and at that point my idea of men becomes
and at that point my idea of men becomes as unclear as it had been when I was a
as unclear as it had been when I was a
as unclear as it had been when I was a boy I had managed to get distance but
boy I had managed to get distance but
boy I had managed to get distance but not necessarily clarity the now owner of
not necessarily clarity the now owner of
not necessarily clarity the now owner of a redundant identity still in flux but
a redundant identity still in flux but
a redundant identity still in flux but now at least with a freedom to choose
now at least with a freedom to choose
now at least with a freedom to choose freedom to decide for myself a freedom I
freedom to decide for myself a freedom I
freedom to decide for myself a freedom I never had as a young man a young man
never had as a young man a young man
never had as a young man a young man molded through pressure a lack of
molded through pressure a lack of
molded through pressure a lack of information and no fear of consequence a
information and no fear of consequence a
information and no fear of consequence a young man who suddenly had to redefine
young man who suddenly had to redefine
young man who suddenly had to redefine his concept of man and the path that he
his concept of man and the path that he
his concept of man and the path that he had chosen a path that began on a street
had chosen a path that began on a street
had chosen a path that began on a street corner when I was 14 years old and
corner when I was 14 years old and
corner when I was 14 years old and someone handed me a tied-up blue plastic
someone handed me a tied-up blue plastic
someone handed me a tied-up blue plastic bag what would you have done
”
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