I guess I’m wondering how many of you in this room can point to a calendar a
this room can point to a calendar a
this room can point to a calendar a particular year and a specific date and
particular year and a specific date and
particular year and a specific date and identify it as the worst day of your
identify it as the worst day of your
identify it as the worst day of your life
life
life I can it was May 24th 1988 the day I
I can it was May 24th 1988 the day I
I can it was May 24th 1988 the day I turned 30 years old
turned 30 years old
turned 30 years old as it turns out throughout my 20s
as it turns out throughout my 20s
as it turns out throughout my 20s unbeknownst to me and all the while as I
unbeknownst to me and all the while as I
unbeknownst to me and all the while as I thought I was gaining and growing in
thought I was gaining and growing in
thought I was gaining and growing in success I was on a collision course for
success I was on a collision course for
success I was on a collision course for emotional darkness the bottom had fallen
emotional darkness the bottom had fallen
emotional darkness the bottom had fallen out of my life which is to say my
out of my life which is to say my
out of my life which is to say my identity had wandered to the point where
identity had wandered to the point where
identity had wandered to the point where I did not know who or what I was acute
I did not know who or what I was acute
I did not know who or what I was acute anxiety rate reigned supreme panic
anxiety rate reigned supreme panic
anxiety rate reigned supreme panic attacks were the order of the day
attacks were the order of the day
attacks were the order of the day culminating on that black 30th birthday
culminating on that black 30th birthday
culminating on that black 30th birthday I was a mess an emotional wreck who
I was a mess an emotional wreck who
I was a mess an emotional wreck who spent the better part of his twenties in
spent the better part of his twenties in
spent the better part of his twenties in intellectual pursuits I achieved an
intellectual pursuits I achieved an
intellectual pursuits I achieved an undergraduate degree in the life
undergraduate degree in the life
undergraduate degree in the life sciences a master’s in pure mathematics
sciences a master’s in pure mathematics
sciences a master’s in pure mathematics I was teaching both at a prominent prep
I was teaching both at a prominent prep
I was teaching both at a prominent prep school as well as University and summer
school as well as University and summer
school as well as University and summer and in the evenings I dated often but I
and in the evenings I dated often but I
and in the evenings I dated often but I ran at the first hint of intimacy my
ran at the first hint of intimacy my
ran at the first hint of intimacy my life though filled left me unfulfilled
curiously there was a line from the
curiously there was a line from the scene in the movie version of the
scene in the movie version of the
scene in the movie version of the musical A Chorus Line that routinely
musical A Chorus Line that routinely
musical A Chorus Line that routinely brought two years to my eyes Who am I
brought two years to my eyes Who am I
brought two years to my eyes Who am I anyway am i my resume I sought help
anyway am i my resume I sought help
anyway am i my resume I sought help a Jewish therapist by the name of Joel
a Jewish therapist by the name of Joel
a Jewish therapist by the name of Joel began the slow arduous process of
began the slow arduous process of
began the slow arduous process of rebuilding a Catholic man boy who had
rebuilding a Catholic man boy who had
rebuilding a Catholic man boy who had somehow lost his way
somehow lost his way
somehow lost his way during the next year I did the difficult
during the next year I did the difficult
during the next year I did the difficult demanding work Joel received all the
demanding work Joel received all the
demanding work Joel received all the paychecks it was expensive financially
paychecks it was expensive financially
paychecks it was expensive financially and emotionally a year later in the
and emotionally a year later in the
and emotionally a year later in the summer of 1989 an opportunity emerged my
summer of 1989 an opportunity emerged my
summer of 1989 an opportunity emerged my American best friend Tom asked me to be
American best friend Tom asked me to be
American best friend Tom asked me to be the best man at his wedding in Germany
the best man at his wedding in Germany
the best man at his wedding in Germany I made the easy instant you can forget
I made the easy instant you can forget
I made the easy instant you can forget that decision knowing that no suitcase
that decision knowing that no suitcase
that decision knowing that no suitcase was big enough to contain my fears my
was big enough to contain my fears my
was big enough to contain my fears my panic my anxieties Tom asked again and
panic my anxieties Tom asked again and
panic my anxieties Tom asked again and again after several guys had canceled
again after several guys had canceled
again after several guys had canceled somehow something deep and compelling
somehow something deep and compelling
somehow something deep and compelling was calling me to Germany incredibly Tom
was calling me to Germany incredibly Tom
was calling me to Germany incredibly Tom asked a fourth time and I took the
asked a fourth time and I took the
asked a fourth time and I took the plunge I landed in Hamburg drove my
plunge I landed in Hamburg drove my
plunge I landed in Hamburg drove my rental further north to a little village
rental further north to a little village
rental further north to a little village called cran market entered the beautiful
called cran market entered the beautiful
called cran market entered the beautiful matched roof house of the home in which
matched roof house of the home in which
matched roof house of the home in which tom was staying peered across the living
tom was staying peered across the living
tom was staying peered across the living room had a young lady sitting on the
room had a young lady sitting on the
room had a young lady sitting on the sofa and had a deep calling deep moment
sofa and had a deep calling deep moment
sofa and had a deep calling deep moment a feeling that I had somehow known this
a feeling that I had somehow known this
a feeling that I had somehow known this this woman for years this woman who in
this woman for years this woman who in
this woman for years this woman who in three years time would become my wife
three years time would become my wife
three years time would become my wife underscore the word feeling something I
underscore the word feeling something I
underscore the word feeling something I had been learning in group and
had been learning in group and
had been learning in group and individual sessions was gel support I
individual sessions was gel support I
individual sessions was gel support I returned to America and literally
returned to America and literally
returned to America and literally invested my sense of self in to the most
invested my sense of self in to the most
invested my sense of self in to the most important course I ever took me 101
important course I ever took me 101
important course I ever took me 101 at around this time I had also
at around this time I had also
at around this time I had also rediscovered some old letters some
rediscovered some old letters some
rediscovered some old letters some journal entries and some rudimentary
journal entries and some rudimentary
journal entries and some rudimentary poems that I had written throughout my
poems that I had written throughout my
poems that I had written throughout my 20s angry confused meanderings
20s angry confused meanderings
20s angry confused meanderings attempting to align my feelings of
attempting to align my feelings of
attempting to align my feelings of displacement with something more
displacement with something more
displacement with something more meaningful they were in a word rubbish
meaningful they were in a word rubbish
meaningful they were in a word rubbish as it turns out I put them on the back
as it turns out I put them on the back
as it turns out I put them on the back burner suffice it decided during the
burner suffice it decided during the
burner suffice it decided during the next year’s Joe helped build a bridge
next year’s Joe helped build a bridge
next year’s Joe helped build a bridge between the life I had had and the life
between the life I had had and the life
between the life I had had and the life I would come to know with chris-barbara
I would come to know with chris-barbara
I would come to know with chris-barbara I was gaining reestablishing an identity
I was gaining reestablishing an identity
I was gaining reestablishing an identity grounded in intimacy learning to risk
grounded in intimacy learning to risk
grounded in intimacy learning to risk when and where I had never risked before
when and where I had never risked before
when and where I had never risked before an opportunity arose a surprise opening
an opportunity arose a surprise opening
an opportunity arose a surprise opening at an international school in Belgium
at an international school in Belgium
at an international school in Belgium brought us to Europe starting a family
brought us to Europe starting a family
brought us to Europe starting a family was our goal not falling apart so far
was our goal not falling apart so far
was our goal not falling apart so far from my therapist was mine the year in
from my therapist was mine the year in
from my therapist was mine the year in Belgium was tough but it opened a back
Belgium was tough but it opened a back
Belgium was tough but it opened a back door opportunity to interview locally
door opportunity to interview locally
door opportunity to interview locally here at ISD I got the job Barbara got
here at ISD I got the job Barbara got
here at ISD I got the job Barbara got pregnant and we were sailing a new
pregnant and we were sailing a new
pregnant and we were sailing a new identity reared its beautiful head daddy
identity reared its beautiful head daddy
identity reared its beautiful head daddy we had a second and in the summer of
we had a second and in the summer of
we had a second and in the summer of 1998 we vacationed in America the trip
1998 we vacationed in America the trip
1998 we vacationed in America the trip was tough the kids were small they were
was tough the kids were small they were
was tough the kids were small they were confused out of their routines
confused out of their routines
confused out of their routines I felt half American half European and
I felt half American half European and
I felt half American half European and half crazy and you don’t need me as a
half crazy and you don’t need me as a
half crazy and you don’t need me as a mathematic teacher to tell you that
mathematic teacher to tell you that
mathematic teacher to tell you that three halves do not make a whole my
three halves do not make a whole my
three halves do not make a whole my identity was still forming some pieces
identity was still forming some pieces
identity was still forming some pieces were in place but if you were to paint
were in place but if you were to paint
were in place but if you were to paint my emotional face it was more Picasso
my emotional face it was more Picasso
my emotional face it was more Picasso than Warhol upon our return to Germany I
than Warhol upon our return to Germany I
than Warhol upon our return to Germany I cold through those angry writings at
cold through those angry writings at
cold through those angry writings at this exact same time I read an article
this exact same time I read an article
this exact same time I read an article about the singer/songwriter Enya and her
about the singer/songwriter Enya and her
about the singer/songwriter Enya and her creative process she would apparently
creative process she would apparently
creative process she would apparently sit at the piano for hours immersed in
sit at the piano for hours immersed in
sit at the piano for hours immersed in the music simply lost in its leadings
the music simply lost in its leadings
the music simply lost in its leadings all the while while recording those
all the while while recording those
all the while while recording those sessions she would then play back those
sessions she would then play back those
sessions she would then play back those recordings and search for little
recordings and search for little
recordings and search for little melodies little combinations of notes
melodies little combinations of notes
melodies little combinations of notes something that would jump out at her she
something that would jump out at her she
something that would jump out at her she would extract those pieces and build a
would extract those pieces and build a
would extract those pieces and build a song around that that was how she
song around that that was how she
song around that that was how she created art I revisited those old angry
created art I revisited those old angry
created art I revisited those old angry writings scrutinized them a bit more
writings scrutinized them a bit more
writings scrutinized them a bit more carefully and sure enough every once in
carefully and sure enough every once in
carefully and sure enough every once in a while a word combination a phrase even
a while a word combination a phrase even
a while a word combination a phrase even a sentence would jump out at me that has
a sentence would jump out at me that has
a sentence would jump out at me that has real power I thought real potential hey
real power I thought real potential hey
real power I thought real potential hey that that resonates I extracted those
that that resonates I extracted those
that that resonates I extracted those words sprinkled in some newfound
words sprinkled in some newfound
words sprinkled in some newfound insights from my new life with Barbara
insights from my new life with Barbara
insights from my new life with Barbara and my time in therapy and began in
and my time in therapy and began in
and my time in therapy and began in earnest some of the most prolific poetry
earnest some of the most prolific poetry
earnest some of the most prolific poetry writing of my entire life the majority
writing of my entire life the majority
writing of my entire life the majority of the poems that I’ve written between
of the poems that I’ve written between
of the poems that I’ve written between 1998 our vacation time in America and
1998 our vacation time in America and
1998 our vacation time in America and 2008 the year my father died will be
2008 the year my father died will be
2008 the year my father died will be what you’ll see quickly on the screen
what you’ll see quickly on the screen
what you’ll see quickly on the screen here behind me during that ten-year
here behind me during that ten-year
here behind me during that ten-year period I had not set foot on American
period I had not set foot on American
period I had not set foot on American soil
soil
soil yet we lived revisited and even rejoiced
yet we lived revisited and even rejoiced
yet we lived revisited and even rejoiced some of the particulars people and
some of the particulars people and
some of the particulars people and places that
places that
places that as it turns out have shaped who and what
as it turns out have shaped who and what
as it turns out have shaped who and what I am here’s the thing these poems may
I am here’s the thing these poems may
I am here’s the thing these poems may not mean very much to you but for me
not mean very much to you but for me
not mean very much to you but for me they are profound importance they
they are profound importance they
they are profound importance they literally represent a lifeline in a
literally represent a lifeline in a
literally represent a lifeline in a lifetime of forces that have shaped and
lifetime of forces that have shaped and
lifetime of forces that have shaped and sculpted my sense of self whether the
sculpted my sense of self whether the
sculpted my sense of self whether the sprawling Indian paths in Fairmount Park
sprawling Indian paths in Fairmount Park
sprawling Indian paths in Fairmount Park the safe wallpapered cocoon of Joe’s
the safe wallpapered cocoon of Joe’s
the safe wallpapered cocoon of Joe’s office the beaches of Ocean City in New
office the beaches of Ocean City in New
office the beaches of Ocean City in New Jersey a little place in North Germany
Jersey a little place in North Germany
Jersey a little place in North Germany called cranberry ODEs to friends and
called cranberry ODEs to friends and
called cranberry ODEs to friends and family fallen too young or too untimely
family fallen too young or too untimely
family fallen too young or too untimely the city of brotherly love itself or an
the city of brotherly love itself or an
the city of brotherly love itself or an attempt to capture my alcoholic father’s
attempt to capture my alcoholic father’s
attempt to capture my alcoholic father’s rage these represent the stuff of my
rage these represent the stuff of my
rage these represent the stuff of my identity the construction of these poems
identity the construction of these poems
identity the construction of these poems like the sculpting of granite allowed me
like the sculpting of granite allowed me
like the sculpting of granite allowed me to go deep while chiseling to find out
to go deep while chiseling to find out
to go deep while chiseling to find out what was beneath the rock finally Joe
what was beneath the rock finally Joe
what was beneath the rock finally Joe once said to me life isn’t fair Daniel
once said to me life isn’t fair Daniel
once said to me life isn’t fair Daniel it’s only true I encourage each of you
it’s only true I encourage each of you
it’s only true I encourage each of you to seek your truth accept it respect it
to seek your truth accept it respect it
to seek your truth accept it respect it and don’t be afraid to seek a little
and don’t be afraid to seek a little
and don’t be afraid to seek a little help along the way without therapists
help along the way without therapists
help along the way without therapists mentors in-laws
mentors in-laws
mentors in-laws a family doctor and one former
a family doctor and one former
a family doctor and one former particular DP coordinator of this very
particular DP coordinator of this very
particular DP coordinator of this very school whose office I sought as a
school whose office I sought as a
school whose office I sought as a sanctuary on a regular basis I may never
sanctuary on a regular basis I may never
sanctuary on a regular basis I may never have come to unfurl my flag of poetry
have come to unfurl my flag of poetry
have come to unfurl my flag of poetry within thank you
”
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