[Music] [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] here’s a piece of wisdom that might be
here’s a piece of wisdom that might be
here’s a piece of wisdom that might be obvious to you but for some reason it
obvious to you but for some reason it
obvious to you but for some reason it wasn’t to me you can’t be both your
wasn’t to me you can’t be both your
wasn’t to me you can’t be both your mother and your father at least not at
mother and your father at least not at
mother and your father at least not at the same time what do I mean by this
the same time what do I mean by this
the same time what do I mean by this well I’m talking about the traditional
well I’m talking about the traditional
well I’m talking about the traditional old-fashioned male and female roles in
old-fashioned male and female roles in
old-fashioned male and female roles in marriage and parenting so by mother I
marriage and parenting so by mother I
marriage and parenting so by mother I mean the nurturer the one who does the
mean the nurturer the one who does the
mean the nurturer the one who does the domestic tests cooking cleaning shopping
domestic tests cooking cleaning shopping
domestic tests cooking cleaning shopping childcare the one who stays home are
childcare the one who stays home are
childcare the one who stays home are close to home during the day and by
close to home during the day and by
close to home during the day and by father I mean the breadwinner the one
father I mean the breadwinner the one
father I mean the breadwinner the one with the power and the power tools the
with the power and the power tools the
with the power and the power tools the one who leaves in the morning and comes
one who leaves in the morning and comes
one who leaves in the morning and comes back at night paycheck in hand ready to
back at night paycheck in hand ready to
back at night paycheck in hand ready to eat the meal his wife prepared this is
eat the meal his wife prepared this is
eat the meal his wife prepared this is how my parents marriage worked this is
how my parents marriage worked this is
how my parents marriage worked this is how my in-laws marriage worked but this
how my in-laws marriage worked but this
how my in-laws marriage worked but this isn’t how the marriages of my generation
isn’t how the marriages of my generation
isn’t how the marriages of my generation were supposed to work most of them
were supposed to work most of them
were supposed to work most of them anyway women of my generation and a lot
anyway women of my generation and a lot
anyway women of my generation and a lot of men too thought we were beyond those
of men too thought we were beyond those
of men too thought we were beyond those traditional roles and that we’d all
traditional roles and that we’d all
traditional roles and that we’d all husbands and wives be both nurturers and
husbands and wives be both nurturers and
husbands and wives be both nurturers and breadwinners and that this would make us
breadwinners and that this would make us
breadwinners and that this would make us all happy but both of us trying to be
all happy but both of us trying to be
all happy but both of us trying to be both turned out to be a lot harder than
both turned out to be a lot harder than
both turned out to be a lot harder than we thought I didn’t realize this until I
we thought I didn’t realize this until I
we thought I didn’t realize this until I was 32 and I had my first baby and it
was 32 and I had my first baby and it
was 32 and I had my first baby and it was a shock not just to me but to a lot
was a shock not just to me but to a lot
was a shock not just to me but to a lot of people I knew so much so that I
of people I knew so much so that I
of people I knew so much so that I published a book about it full of
published a book about it full of
published a book about it full of stories of women shocked by this the
stories of women shocked by this the
stories of women shocked by this the women felt angry and betrayed so the
women felt angry and betrayed so the
women felt angry and betrayed so the book had on the cover snarling red lips
book had on the cover snarling red lips
book had on the cover snarling red lips and an r-rated title the bitch in the
and an r-rated title the bitch in the
and an r-rated title the bitch in the house
that led to another book this one by my
that led to another book this one by my husband his was all men baffled been
husband his was all men baffled been
husband his was all men baffled been tired from always being made to feel
tired from always being made to feel
tired from always being made to feel inadequate his book was called the
inadequate his book was called the
inadequate his book was called the bastard on the couch
the problem was we had all believed that
the problem was we had all believed that the earning and the domestic duties
the earning and the domestic duties
the earning and the domestic duties could and would be roughly equal and
could and would be roughly equal and
could and would be roughly equal and evenly divided and that we’d be able to
evenly divided and that we’d be able to
evenly divided and that we’d be able to combine them pretty easily so we women
combine them pretty easily so we women
combine them pretty easily so we women set out to have jobs or careers we got
set out to have jobs or careers we got
set out to have jobs or careers we got educated we got places to live and
educated we got places to live and
educated we got places to live and supported ourselves we could date and
supported ourselves we could date and
supported ourselves we could date and have fun even love but we worked often
have fun even love but we worked often
have fun even love but we worked often for a decade or more before we signed on
for a decade or more before we signed on
for a decade or more before we signed on to marriage and kids and when we did
to marriage and kids and when we did
to marriage and kids and when we did marry or become parents
marry or become parents
marry or become parents we knew most of us would still need to
we knew most of us would still need to
we knew most of us would still need to work because by now most middle-class
work because by now most middle-class
work because by now most middle-class families needed two incomes sometimes to
families needed two incomes sometimes to
families needed two incomes sometimes to live as well as our parents had on one
live as well as our parents had on one
live as well as our parents had on one and that was fine with a lot of us we
and that was fine with a lot of us we
and that was fine with a lot of us we were doctors and lawyers teachers and
were doctors and lawyers teachers and
were doctors and lawyers teachers and artists our work defined us supported us
artists our work defined us supported us
artists our work defined us supported us helped us navigate the world even if we
helped us navigate the world even if we
helped us navigate the world even if we didn’t love our jobs we liked being
didn’t love our jobs we liked being
didn’t love our jobs we liked being independent we no longer had to go
independent we no longer had to go
independent we no longer had to go straight from our parents homes to our
straight from our parents homes to our
straight from our parents homes to our husbands homes we waited for the right
husbands homes we waited for the right
husbands homes we waited for the right partner our soulmate and someone who
partner our soulmate and someone who
partner our soulmate and someone who would be involved in their kids lives in
would be involved in their kids lives in
would be involved in their kids lives in a way their own father hadn’t been our
a way their own father hadn’t been our
a way their own father hadn’t been our guys if we chose guys wanted to feed in
guys if we chose guys wanted to feed in
guys if we chose guys wanted to feed in diaper babies some of them cooked they
diaper babies some of them cooked they
diaper babies some of them cooked they liked that their wives had careers that
liked that their wives had careers that
liked that their wives had careers that we two were engaged with the world and
we two were engaged with the world and
we two were engaged with the world and they wouldn’t have to support the family
they wouldn’t have to support the family
they wouldn’t have to support the family alone waking up in midlife to realize
alone waking up in midlife to realize
alone waking up in midlife to realize they’ve missed their kids entire
they’ve missed their kids entire
they’ve missed their kids entire childhood with our partners at first
childhood with our partners at first
childhood with our partners at first things felt equal we were all building
things felt equal we were all building
things felt equal we were all building our careers and mostly splitting the
our careers and mostly splitting the
our careers and mostly splitting the home stuff soon the men like the women
home stuff soon the men like the women
home stuff soon the men like the women would wear babies and slings throw
would wear babies and slings throw
would wear babies and slings throw birthday parties feed the fish that’s
birthday parties feed the fish that’s
birthday parties feed the fish that’s what we thought and then the babies
what we thought and then the babies
what we thought and then the babies arrived
arrived
arrived for me that worked out like this I had
for me that worked out like this I had
for me that worked out like this I had married Dan a writer I’d met when I was
married Dan a writer I’d met when I was
married Dan a writer I’d met when I was 28 by then I’d been thinking about what
28 by then I’d been thinking about what
28 by then I’d been thinking about what I wanted in a husband and when I met Dan
I wanted in a husband and when I met Dan
I wanted in a husband and when I met Dan I knew he was it he was calm and
I knew he was it he was calm and
I knew he was it he was calm and respectful smart and talented a try he
respectful smart and talented a try he
respectful smart and talented a try he could fix cars and build things and he
could fix cars and build things and he
could fix cars and build things and he did it all very cheaply because for
did it all very cheaply because for
did it all very cheaply because for years he’d live done so little for
years he’d live done so little for
years he’d live done so little for example he sewed his clothes and even
example he sewed his clothes and even
example he sewed his clothes and even his shoes with dental floss
his shoes with dental floss
his shoes with dental floss I loved that so creative and resourceful
but then I was well into my career as a
but then I was well into my career as a journalist and editor Dan also 28 had so
journalist and editor Dan also 28 had so
journalist and editor Dan also 28 had so far been a ski instructor and a
far been a ski instructor and a
far been a ski instructor and a part-time janitor and was now a
part-time janitor and was now a
part-time janitor and was now a part-time writing teacher
part-time writing teacher
part-time writing teacher I loved all this too especially the
I loved all this too especially the
I loved all this too especially the janitor part when our dog or kid threw
janitor part when our dog or kid threw
janitor part when our dog or kid threw up he could clean it plus we read each
up he could clean it plus we read each
up he could clean it plus we read each other’s work and made each other laugh I
other’s work and made each other laugh I
other’s work and made each other laugh I wasn’t looking for someone to support me
wasn’t looking for someone to support me
wasn’t looking for someone to support me only to be my partner in work and in
only to be my partner in work and in
only to be my partner in work and in parenting love and in life that was Dan
parenting love and in life that was Dan
parenting love and in life that was Dan and I married him soon he got a
and I married him soon he got a
and I married him soon he got a full-time editing job and I sold a novel
full-time editing job and I sold a novel
full-time editing job and I sold a novel and got in advance for another do in a
and got in advance for another do in a
and got in advance for another do in a year thrilled we got pregnant we were 32
year thrilled we got pregnant we were 32
year thrilled we got pregnant we were 32 I was also writing a monthly magazine
I was also writing a monthly magazine
I was also writing a monthly magazine column living in New York we were just
column living in New York we were just
column living in New York we were just getting by on both of our incomes with
getting by on both of our incomes with
getting by on both of our incomes with the baby though nothing went quite as
the baby though nothing went quite as
the baby though nothing went quite as expected first came the emergency
expected first came the emergency
expected first came the emergency c-section so much for the expense of
c-section so much for the expense of
c-section so much for the expense of birthing classes Dan took one of his two
birthing classes Dan took one of his two
birthing classes Dan took one of his two precious vacation weeks but I was in the
precious vacation weeks but I was in the
precious vacation weeks but I was in the hospital for six of those days when he
hospital for six of those days when he
hospital for six of those days when he got home the baby was nursing and
got home the baby was nursing and
got home the baby was nursing and projectile vomiting round-the-clock and
projectile vomiting round-the-clock and
projectile vomiting round-the-clock and I had along with my stitches a painful
I had along with my stitches a painful
I had along with my stitches a painful breast infection Dan returned to work
breast infection Dan returned to work
breast infection Dan returned to work the next day he had to he had no
the next day he had to he had no
the next day he had to he had no paternity leave so there we were me and
paternity leave so there we were me and
paternity leave so there we were me and my work and the baby
my work and the baby
my work and the baby I loved baby Phoebe she looked so pretty
I loved baby Phoebe she looked so pretty
I loved baby Phoebe she looked so pretty in her hat but what was I supposed to do
in her hat but what was I supposed to do
in her hat but what was I supposed to do with her
with her
with her I had fully believed I would work while
I had fully believed I would work while
I had fully believed I would work while she napped exhausted and throbbing I
she napped exhausted and throbbing I
she napped exhausted and throbbing I typed with one hand while holding the
typed with one hand while holding the
typed with one hand while holding the baby dirty laundry and empty pampers
baby dirty laundry and empty pampers
baby dirty laundry and empty pampers boxes surrounding me dan was a loving
boxes surrounding me dan was a loving
boxes surrounding me dan was a loving attentive father but his left work life
attentive father but his left work life
attentive father but his left work life seemed unchanged while mine now revolved
seemed unchanged while mine now revolved
seemed unchanged while mine now revolved around baby and household duties doctor
around baby and household duties doctor
around baby and household duties doctor visits reading child care books and
visits reading child care books and
visits reading child care books and restocking onesies
restocking onesies
restocking onesies I had no community of mothers yet my
I had no community of mothers yet my
I had no community of mothers yet my friends were ambitious professional
friends were ambitious professional
friends were ambitious professional women most not even married so far none
women most not even married so far none
women most not even married so far none had kids my mother out in Jersey had
had kids my mother out in Jersey had
had kids my mother out in Jersey had gone back to full-time teaching my
gone back to full-time teaching my
gone back to full-time teaching my mother-in-law lived far away this was a
mother-in-law lived far away this was a
mother-in-law lived far away this was a moment of truth for me my generation had
moment of truth for me my generation had
moment of truth for me my generation had known what we wanted but no one had
known what we wanted but no one had
known what we wanted but no one had figured out how it was supposed to work
figured out how it was supposed to work
figured out how it was supposed to work taking care of an infant appeared to be
taking care of an infant appeared to be
taking care of an infant appeared to be a full-time job with overtime but we
a full-time job with overtime but we
a full-time job with overtime but we already had full-time jobs often work
already had full-time jobs often work
already had full-time jobs often work that defined us with incomes our
that defined us with incomes our
that defined us with incomes our families depended on here’s how it was
families depended on here’s how it was
families depended on here’s how it was for a friend of mine a successful
for a friend of mine a successful
for a friend of mine a successful executive and the bigger earner in her
executive and the bigger earner in her
executive and the bigger earner in her marriage this was not long after they
marriage this was not long after they
marriage this was not long after they had their second child she had gotten
had their second child she had gotten
had their second child she had gotten home from work around 7:00 her husband
home from work around 7:00 her husband
home from work around 7:00 her husband wasn’t home yet the sitter had been on
wasn’t home yet the sitter had been on
wasn’t home yet the sitter had been on for 10 hours and needed to get home to
for 10 hours and needed to get home to
for 10 hours and needed to get home to her own kids the baby was hungry at four
her own kids the baby was hungry at four
her own kids the baby was hungry at four months he was still nursing often
months he was still nursing often
months he was still nursing often including at night the toddler was whiny
including at night the toddler was whiny
including at night the toddler was whiny and clinging my friend needed to eat
and clinging my friend needed to eat
and clinging my friend needed to eat dinner put both kids to bed and prepare
dinner put both kids to bed and prepare
dinner put both kids to bed and prepare for a big presentation the next day she
for a big presentation the next day she
for a big presentation the next day she sat down to nurse the baby the toddler
sat down to nurse the baby the toddler
sat down to nurse the baby the toddler grabbed a crayon and began scribbling on
grabbed a crayon and began scribbling on
grabbed a crayon and began scribbling on the wall no my friend yelled the toddler
the wall no my friend yelled the toddler
the wall no my friend yelled the toddler burst into tears
burst into tears
burst into tears mommy’s grumpy he will go back to work
mommy’s grumpy he will go back to work
mommy’s grumpy he will go back to work and stay there for the rest of your life
my friend’s husband who just walked in
my friend’s husband who just walked in smirked then shrugged and she felt
smirked then shrugged and she felt
smirked then shrugged and she felt horrible she told me I’m the bitch in
horrible she told me I’m the bitch in
horrible she told me I’m the bitch in the house I heard stories like this
the house I heard stories like this
the house I heard stories like this every day and I thought something isn’t
every day and I thought something isn’t
every day and I thought something isn’t working
working
working we were educated women with nice
we were educated women with nice
we were educated women with nice partners and homes healthy babies good
partners and homes healthy babies good
partners and homes healthy babies good jobs we knew we were privileged that
jobs we knew we were privileged that
jobs we knew we were privileged that there were places in the world and the
there were places in the world and the
there were places in the world and the US where women struggled just to have a
US where women struggled just to have a
US where women struggled just to have a safe home and feed their children still
safe home and feed their children still
safe home and feed their children still almost every working mother I knew was
almost every working mother I knew was
almost every working mother I knew was exhausted and overwhelmed nothing was as
exhausted and overwhelmed nothing was as
exhausted and overwhelmed nothing was as we’d expected we nursed round-the-clock
we’d expected we nursed round-the-clock
we’d expected we nursed round-the-clock even at work pumping and bathroom stalls
even at work pumping and bathroom stalls
even at work pumping and bathroom stalls one woman who worked on Wall Street
one woman who worked on Wall Street
one woman who worked on Wall Street described how her male colleagues would
described how her male colleagues would
described how her male colleagues would move when she carried her breast pump
move when she carried her breast pump
move when she carried her breast pump past their desks
past their desks
past their desks our babies needed shots shoes toys
our babies needed shots shoes toys
our babies needed shots shoes toys bpa-free teethers soon they need
bpa-free teethers soon they need
bpa-free teethers soon they need activities playdates possibly therapy
activities playdates possibly therapy
activities playdates possibly therapy because kids today we’re micro managed
because kids today we’re micro managed
because kids today we’re micro managed not just let loose to dig up worms in
not just let loose to dig up worms in
not just let loose to dig up worms in the park and feed them to their little
the park and feed them to their little
the park and feed them to their little brothers with rare exceptions women were
brothers with rare exceptions women were
brothers with rare exceptions women were the ones piecing all this together the
the ones piecing all this together the
the ones piecing all this together the ones holding the puzzle of family life
ones holding the puzzle of family life
ones holding the puzzle of family life in our heads it didn’t matter if our
in our heads it didn’t matter if our
in our heads it didn’t matter if our jobs were as demanding as our husbands
jobs were as demanding as our husbands
jobs were as demanding as our husbands jobs we were the ones rushing home the
jobs we were the ones rushing home the
jobs we were the ones rushing home the ones up at night our husbands tried to
ones up at night our husbands tried to
ones up at night our husbands tried to stay up too but that was hard when we
stay up too but that was hard when we
stay up too but that was hard when we had let’s face it the boobs so while
had let’s face it the boobs so while
had let’s face it the boobs so while they slept we nursed the babies and made
they slept we nursed the babies and made
they slept we nursed the babies and made mental lists of all the things we done
mental lists of all the things we done
mental lists of all the things we done wrong and the things to be figured out
wrong and the things to be figured out
wrong and the things to be figured out the sitter needed a vacation the baby
the sitter needed a vacation the baby
the sitter needed a vacation the baby needed a new stroller we had to sign up
needed a new stroller we had to sign up
needed a new stroller we had to sign up now for preschool if we wanted a spa it
now for preschool if we wanted a spa it
now for preschool if we wanted a spa it was the women who made sure all this
was the women who made sure all this
was the women who made sure all this happened maybe this was because we’d
happened maybe this was because we’d
happened maybe this was because we’d watched our mothers do it or maybe we
watched our mothers do it or maybe we
watched our mothers do it or maybe we were wired this way we didn’t know but
were wired this way we didn’t know but
were wired this way we didn’t know but it seemed we’ve been wrong to believe
it seemed we’ve been wrong to believe
it seemed we’ve been wrong to believe that parenting would be equal Society
that parenting would be equal Society
that parenting would be equal Society male roles even biology hadn’t caught up
male roles even biology hadn’t caught up
male roles even biology hadn’t caught up to where we were as working mothers our
to where we were as working mothers our
to where we were as working mothers our husbands didn’t understand our anger
husbands didn’t understand our anger
husbands didn’t understand our anger after all they fed the Pumped milk they
after all they fed the Pumped milk they
after all they fed the Pumped milk they read the kids hop on pop they did the
read the kids hop on pop they did the
read the kids hop on pop they did the laundry if asked and they were tired too
laundry if asked and they were tired too
laundry if asked and they were tired too they were doing twice as much as their
they were doing twice as much as their
they were doing twice as much as their fathers had and those fathers had come
fathers had and those fathers had come
fathers had and those fathers had come home to calm lives offering warm
home to calm lives offering warm
home to calm lives offering warm slippers
slippers
slippers cold martinis homemade meatloaf or so
cold martinis homemade meatloaf or so
cold martinis homemade meatloaf or so the myth went what was our problem
marriage was hard it was even harder
marriage was hard it was even harder with jobs and young children
with jobs and young children
with jobs and young children Woody Allen called marriage the death of
Woody Allen called marriage the death of
Woody Allen called marriage the death of hope almost half the married couples in
hope almost half the married couples in
hope almost half the married couples in this country divorce and sometimes
this country divorce and sometimes
this country divorce and sometimes heartbreaking or not that really is the
heartbreaking or not that really is the
heartbreaking or not that really is the best option but wait there is hope even
best option but wait there is hope even
best option but wait there is hope even for working couples with children and
for working couples with children and
for working couples with children and since today 71 percent of mothers work
since today 71 percent of mothers work
since today 71 percent of mothers work and in four of 10 families the woman is
and in four of 10 families the woman is
and in four of 10 families the woman is the primary or sole earner four of ten
the primary or sole earner four of ten
the primary or sole earner four of ten well there better be hope Plus is Woody
well there better be hope Plus is Woody
well there better be hope Plus is Woody Allen really who we want to listen to
Allen really who we want to listen to
Allen really who we want to listen to about marriage I believe hope starts
about marriage I believe hope starts
about marriage I believe hope starts with this realization you don’t have to
with this realization you don’t have to
with this realization you don’t have to be your mother and your father at once
be your mother and your father at once
be your mother and your father at once you do though have to be a portion of
you do though have to be a portion of
you do though have to be a portion of each if you’re a working mother or
each if you’re a working mother or
each if you’re a working mother or married to one so here’s what you need
married to one so here’s what you need
married to one so here’s what you need to ask yourselves as a couple ideally
to ask yourselves as a couple ideally
to ask yourselves as a couple ideally before the kids come along which portion
before the kids come along which portion
before the kids come along which portion of each will you each be and which will
of each will you each be and which will
of each will you each be and which will you give up what rules from our parents
you give up what rules from our parents
you give up what rules from our parents generation are we willing to break and
generation are we willing to break and
generation are we willing to break and how can we make it so that everyone
how can we make it so that everyone
how can we make it so that everyone feels valued and everyone feels it’s
feels valued and everyone feels it’s
feels valued and everyone feels it’s fair how can we avoid becoming the bitch
fair how can we avoid becoming the bitch
fair how can we avoid becoming the bitch in the house and the bastard on the
in the house and the bastard on the
in the house and the bastard on the couch I’m speaking to you today from a
couch I’m speaking to you today from a
couch I’m speaking to you today from a different perspective that of someone
different perspective that of someone
different perspective that of someone who’s years beyond those frantic days
who’s years beyond those frantic days
who’s years beyond those frantic days and whose anger has been replaced by
and whose anger has been replaced by
and whose anger has been replaced by deep gratitude for the things in my life
deep gratitude for the things in my life
deep gratitude for the things in my life that felt so hard to balance then
that felt so hard to balance then
that felt so hard to balance then marriage motherhood work and what I can
marriage motherhood work and what I can
marriage motherhood work and what I can tell you with the perspective of
tell you with the perspective of
tell you with the perspective of distance is this first with few
distance is this first with few
distance is this first with few exceptions working mothers really are
exceptions working mothers really are
exceptions working mothers really are still doing a second shift at home
still doing a second shift at home
still doing a second shift at home mothers who work full-time still do
mothers who work full-time still do
mothers who work full-time still do twice as much housework and childcare as
twice as much housework and childcare as
twice as much housework and childcare as men though millennial men do score
men though millennial men do score
men though millennial men do score better than their predecessors though
better than their predecessors though
better than their predecessors though Millennials working mothers also have
Millennials working mothers also have
Millennials working mothers also have less of what one study called leisure
less of what one study called leisure
less of what one study called leisure time partly because men even fathers are
time partly because men even fathers are
time partly because men even fathers are better than women and allowing
better than women and allowing
better than women and allowing themselves to relax
themselves to relax
themselves to relax as for the office all-in-all the
as for the office all-in-all the
as for the office all-in-all the workplace hasn’t changed much if
workplace hasn’t changed much if
workplace hasn’t changed much if anything hours are longer now with
anything hours are longer now with
anything hours are longer now with workers expected to be dialed in
workers expected to be dialed in
workers expected to be dialed in round-the-clock in the u.s. we still
round-the-clock in the u.s. we still
round-the-clock in the u.s. we still don’t have paid parental leave paid
don’t have paid parental leave paid
don’t have paid parental leave paid Family Medical Leave or subsidized
Family Medical Leave or subsidized
Family Medical Leave or subsidized childcare we’re behind
childcare we’re behind
childcare we’re behind virtually every other country in the
virtually every other country in the
virtually every other country in the world on the stuff from Burundi to
world on the stuff from Burundi to
world on the stuff from Burundi to Brazil to Serbia mothers are twice as
Brazil to Serbia mothers are twice as
Brazil to Serbia mothers are twice as likely as fathers to say that being a
likely as fathers to say that being a
likely as fathers to say that being a parent has made it harder for them to
parent has made it harder for them to
parent has made it harder for them to advance at work no surprise that the
advance at work no surprise that the
advance at work no surprise that the number of women dropped dramatically at
number of women dropped dramatically at
number of women dropped dramatically at the top of most professions so working
the top of most professions so working
the top of most professions so working mothers dissatisfaction is real and
mothers dissatisfaction is real and
mothers dissatisfaction is real and justified both at home and at work
justified both at home and at work
justified both at home and at work and no matter how egalitarian a couple
and no matter how egalitarian a couple
and no matter how egalitarian a couple you are going in having children
you are going in having children
you are going in having children silently rewrites your marriage contract
silently rewrites your marriage contract
silently rewrites your marriage contract when the baby is sick and someone has to
when the baby is sick and someone has to
when the baby is sick and someone has to stay home from work you actually have to
stay home from work you actually have to
stay home from work you actually have to decide whose work is more important when
decide whose work is more important when
decide whose work is more important when you’ve birth work both worked all week
you’ve birth work both worked all week
you’ve birth work both worked all week and someone needs to get up with the
and someone needs to get up with the
and someone needs to get up with the kids on Sunday at 5:00 a.m. and play
kids on Sunday at 5:00 a.m. and play
kids on Sunday at 5:00 a.m. and play twister that’s when you see what your
twister that’s when you see what your
twister that’s when you see what your marriage is made of till death do you
marriage is made of till death do you
marriage is made of till death do you part takes on a whole new meaning talk
part takes on a whole new meaning talk
part takes on a whole new meaning talk about it with each other before during
about it with each other before during
about it with each other before during and after tell each other how you feel
and after tell each other how you feel
and after tell each other how you feel and what you need seems obvious but
and what you need seems obvious but
and what you need seems obvious but sometimes it isn’t and break the rules
sometimes it isn’t and break the rules
sometimes it isn’t and break the rules from your parents generation your father
from your parents generation your father
from your parents generation your father kept an immaculate garage your mother
kept an immaculate garage your mother
kept an immaculate garage your mother made a home-cooked meal every night but
made a home-cooked meal every night but
made a home-cooked meal every night but in your family with two full-time jobs
in your family with two full-time jobs
in your family with two full-time jobs and kids let it go
and kids let it go
and kids let it go your mother might have ordered in two if
your mother might have ordered in two if
your mother might have ordered in two if she’d had an iPhone
she’d had an iPhone
she’d had an iPhone and while studies love to tell us our
and while studies love to tell us our
and while studies love to tell us our kids will be delinquents if we don’t all
kids will be delinquents if we don’t all
kids will be delinquents if we don’t all eat family dinner together every single
eat family dinner together every single
eat family dinner together every single night what matters is that you find a
night what matters is that you find a
night what matters is that you find a way to connect as a family maybe for you
way to connect as a family maybe for you
way to connect as a family maybe for you that’s breakfast or dog walks or movie
that’s breakfast or dog walks or movie
that’s breakfast or dog walks or movie night embrace it and lose the guilt
night embrace it and lose the guilt
night embrace it and lose the guilt don’t let the idea of perfection ruin
don’t let the idea of perfection ruin
don’t let the idea of perfection ruin the reality of good or great if I didn’t
the reality of good or great if I didn’t
the reality of good or great if I didn’t have a job and a family and a household
have a job and a family and a household
have a job and a family and a household to run I might have been able to
to run I might have been able to
to run I might have been able to memorise this talk
but I’m letting it go the years with
but I’m letting it go the years with jobs and young kids are hard and part of
jobs and young kids are hard and part of
jobs and young kids are hard and part of why they’re hard is because things do
why they’re hard is because things do
why they’re hard is because things do still need to change for working parents
still need to change for working parents
still need to change for working parents at home at work and in our country but
at home at work and in our country but
at home at work and in our country but they’re also hard of course because
they’re also hard of course because
they’re also hard of course because they’re full of some of the best things
they’re full of some of the best things
they’re full of some of the best things in life and they do go by fast and if
in life and they do go by fast and if
in life and they do go by fast and if you’ve got the right partner and can get
you’ve got the right partner and can get
you’ve got the right partner and can get through them
through them
through them the rewards are myriad a shared history
the rewards are myriad a shared history
the rewards are myriad a shared history and home someone to drive you to your
and home someone to drive you to your
and home someone to drive you to your colonoscopy and if you’re lucky because
colonoscopy and if you’re lucky because
colonoscopy and if you’re lucky because luck plays a part here too
luck plays a part here too
luck plays a part here too a day when your kids come home from
a day when your kids come home from
a day when your kids come home from college for the summer and your son who
college for the summer and your son who
college for the summer and your son who learned to cook when you finally set
learned to cook when you finally set
learned to cook when you finally set back with a book and a bag of chocolate
back with a book and a bag of chocolate
back with a book and a bag of chocolate chips that boy now a man makes a nice
chips that boy now a man makes a nice
chips that boy now a man makes a nice dinner for everyone and your daughter
dinner for everyone and your daughter
dinner for everyone and your daughter that pretty baby in the Hat comes home
that pretty baby in the Hat comes home
that pretty baby in the Hat comes home from her summer job full of excitement
from her summer job full of excitement
from her summer job full of excitement and your husband comes in from the back
and your husband comes in from the back
and your husband comes in from the back where he’s finally gotten a few minutes
where he’s finally gotten a few minutes
where he’s finally gotten a few minutes off work to fix a car and build some
off work to fix a car and build some
off work to fix a car and build some things and you find yourselves all
things and you find yourselves all
things and you find yourselves all around the table together and you look
around the table together and you look
around the table together and you look at your now grown-up babies and say how
at your now grown-up babies and say how
at your now grown-up babies and say how mature and responsible they are and how
mature and responsible they are and how
mature and responsible they are and how you never could have predicted this all
you never could have predicted this all
you never could have predicted this all those years ago when you found it so
those years ago when you found it so
those years ago when you found it so hard to combine work and parenting and
hard to combine work and parenting and
hard to combine work and parenting and they say well we left our childhood and
they say well we left our childhood and
they say well we left our childhood and our friends think your work is cool and
our friends think your work is cool and
our friends think your work is cool and you’re speechless
you’re speechless
you’re speechless tears might even come to your eyes if
tears might even come to your eyes if
tears might even come to your eyes if you let them because you’ll know in that
you let them because you’ll know in that
you let them because you’ll know in that moment that it was all worth it the work
moment that it was all worth it the work
moment that it was all worth it the work and the kids and the fights and the love
and the kids and the fights and the love
and the kids and the fights and the love and you never dreamed life could be this
and you never dreamed life could be this
and you never dreamed life could be this good
”
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