hi over the next 18 minutes we’re gonna talk about all of those things we’re
talk about all of those things we’re
talk about all of those things we’re gonna talk about revolution and we’re
gonna talk about revolution and we’re
gonna talk about revolution and we’re gonna talk about gender and sexuality
gonna talk about gender and sexuality
gonna talk about gender and sexuality and identity and for me what this really
and identity and for me what this really
and identity and for me what this really all comes back to is talking about my
all comes back to is talking about my
all comes back to is talking about my nails because they may not look like it
nails because they may not look like it
nails because they may not look like it but my nails are a radical example for
but my nails are a radical example for
but my nails are a radical example for me my political identity and my gender
me my political identity and my gender
me my political identity and my gender [Music]
[Music]
[Music] so when you think about yourself and you
so when you think about yourself and you
so when you think about yourself and you think about your world around you you
think about your world around you you
think about your world around you you are given a story a narrative your life
are given a story a narrative your life
are given a story a narrative your life is a book that you’re supposed to open
is a book that you’re supposed to open
is a book that you’re supposed to open and read and find yourself in but it’s a
and read and find yourself in but it’s a
and read and find yourself in but it’s a book and you’re supposed to find
book and you’re supposed to find
book and you’re supposed to find yourself in that and if for some reason
yourself in that and if for some reason
yourself in that and if for some reason you don’t find yourself in those stories
you don’t find yourself in those stories
you don’t find yourself in those stories if you are little boy and grade-two
if you are little boy and grade-two
if you are little boy and grade-two who’s really really excited about the
who’s really really excited about the
who’s really really excited about the idea of fatherhood someday but the only
idea of fatherhood someday but the only
idea of fatherhood someday but the only people who are allowed to talk about
people who are allowed to talk about
people who are allowed to talk about that are at the little girls with their
that are at the little girls with their
that are at the little girls with their baby dolls well you’re gonna have a
baby dolls well you’re gonna have a
baby dolls well you’re gonna have a certain experience or if as we heard
certain experience or if as we heard
certain experience or if as we heard earlier you’re the Asian who can’t
earlier you’re the Asian who can’t
earlier you’re the Asian who can’t really manage to pull all A’s in math
really manage to pull all A’s in math
really manage to pull all A’s in math class or you don’t want to play the
class or you don’t want to play the
class or you don’t want to play the piano well you’re gonna have a slightly
piano well you’re gonna have a slightly
piano well you’re gonna have a slightly different experience or if like me you
different experience or if like me you
different experience or if like me you were the little white girl who instead
were the little white girl who instead
were the little white girl who instead of wanting to play dress-up and with
of wanting to play dress-up and with
of wanting to play dress-up and with Barbies I really liked getting muddy and
Barbies I really liked getting muddy and
Barbies I really liked getting muddy and falling down and getting covered in
falling down and getting covered in
falling down and getting covered in scratches and I had no ability to match
scratches and I had no ability to match
scratches and I had no ability to match my clothes to each other well you’re
my clothes to each other well you’re
my clothes to each other well you’re gonna have a certain experience because
gonna have a certain experience because
gonna have a certain experience because the story that you were given the
the story that you were given the
the story that you were given the narrative that your society tells you
narrative that your society tells you
narrative that your society tells you exist for your life and the life that
exist for your life and the life that
exist for your life and the life that you actually live or possibly the one
you actually live or possibly the one
you actually live or possibly the one that you see your best friend living
that you see your best friend living
that you see your best friend living isn’t gonna match that experience is
isn’t gonna match that experience is
isn’t gonna match that experience is called cognitive dissonance those two
called cognitive dissonance those two
called cognitive dissonance those two stories that just don’t go together
stories that just don’t go together
stories that just don’t go together the little
the little
the little things around you they don’t actually
things around you they don’t actually
things around you they don’t actually match up with who you want to be or what
match up with who you want to be or what
match up with who you want to be or what you see or what you experience or maybe
you see or what you experience or maybe
you see or what you experience or maybe some of the people around you and you
some of the people around you and you
some of the people around you and you have a couple of choices when this
have a couple of choices when this
have a couple of choices when this happens one you can try to force it to
happens one you can try to force it to
happens one you can try to force it to work it’s what George Orwell in his
work it’s what George Orwell in his
work it’s what George Orwell in his famous book 1984 refers to as
famous book 1984 refers to as
famous book 1984 refers to as doublethink the ability to hold two
doublethink the ability to hold two
doublethink the ability to hold two opposing ideas in your mind and somehow
opposing ideas in your mind and somehow
opposing ideas in your mind and somehow force them to work to go back and forth
force them to work to go back and forth
force them to work to go back and forth and for me this was the experience of
and for me this was the experience of
and for me this was the experience of saying well okay yeah but I’m not like
saying well okay yeah but I’m not like
saying well okay yeah but I’m not like other girls and that meant that I could
other girls and that meant that I could
other girls and that meant that I could ignore the narrative which was useful
ignore the narrative which was useful
ignore the narrative which was useful but it didn’t actually change it and the
but it didn’t actually change it and the
but it didn’t actually change it and the narrative was still uncomfortable for me
narrative was still uncomfortable for me
narrative was still uncomfortable for me or alternately you can try to build new
or alternately you can try to build new
or alternately you can try to build new narratives one’s not based on
narratives one’s not based on
narratives one’s not based on stereotypes ones that are more honest
stereotypes ones that are more honest
stereotypes ones that are more honest and ones that hopefully will foster
and ones that hopefully will foster
and ones that hopefully will foster empathy and understanding as we’ve heard
empathy and understanding as we’ve heard
empathy and understanding as we’ve heard already those are very important things
already those are very important things
already those are very important things so what I want to give you is five steps
so what I want to give you is five steps
so what I want to give you is five steps five steps to world change because to me
five steps to world change because to me
five steps to world change because to me changing these narratives will change
changing these narratives will change
changing these narratives will change the world because you’re going to
the world because you’re going to
the world because you’re going to realize that you have other
realize that you have other
realize that you have other opportunities other ways of thinking and
opportunities other ways of thinking and
opportunities other ways of thinking and seeing the world that you maybe don’t
seeing the world that you maybe don’t
seeing the world that you maybe don’t realize now and that children being born
realize now and that children being born
realize now and that children being born now will be able to grow up with new
now will be able to grow up with new
now will be able to grow up with new narratives and that’ll be really
narratives and that’ll be really
narratives and that’ll be really important because when you don’t know an
important because when you don’t know an
important because when you don’t know an idea exists you can’t actually choose
idea exists you can’t actually choose
idea exists you can’t actually choose new paths so the first step in all of
new paths so the first step in all of
new paths so the first step in all of this is to know who you are I know that
this is to know who you are I know that
this is to know who you are I know that seems really easy but it’s actually much
seems really easy but it’s actually much
seems really easy but it’s actually much more complicated than we usually think
more complicated than we usually think
more complicated than we usually think about so as an example this is who I was
about so as an example this is who I was
about so as an example this is who I was in high school this is who I thought of
in high school this is who I thought of
in high school this is who I thought of myself as and these were the pieces of
myself as and these were the pieces of
myself as and these were the pieces of my identity that I crafted and the ones
my identity that I crafted and the ones
my identity that I crafted and the ones that I was proud of and the ones that I
that I was proud of and the ones that I
that I was proud of and the ones that I told people about and I’m sure that
told people about and I’m sure that
told people about and I’m sure that somewhere inside you you have a list
somewhere inside you you have a list
somewhere inside you you have a list like this and I’m
like this and I’m
like this and I’m want you to just take a second and and
want you to just take a second and and
want you to just take a second and and try to think of what things exist on
try to think of what things exist on
try to think of what things exist on that list because that’s the person
that list because that’s the person
that list because that’s the person you’re trying to tell people you are and
you’re trying to tell people you are and
you’re trying to tell people you are and you’re crafted identity is important and
you’re crafted identity is important and
you’re crafted identity is important and once you’ve got a few points and you’ve
once you’ve got a few points and you’ve
once you’ve got a few points and you’ve kind of got this idea of who you are
kind of got this idea of who you are
kind of got this idea of who you are then I want you to think about the
then I want you to think about the
then I want you to think about the almost self-evident things that you
almost self-evident things that you
almost self-evident things that you missed the things that while utterly
missed the things that while utterly
missed the things that while utterly obvious you never even thought of the
obvious you never even thought of the
obvious you never even thought of the things that aren’t crafted because those
things that aren’t crafted because those
things that aren’t crafted because those are really important too
are really important too
are really important too those are the places often that you’re
those are the places often that you’re
those are the places often that you’re going to find the greatest dissonance
going to find the greatest dissonance
going to find the greatest dissonance and for me we’re gonna talk about that
and for me we’re gonna talk about that
and for me we’re gonna talk about that last one because it’s the one that got
last one because it’s the one that got
last one because it’s the one that got me started on all this so once you have
me started on all this so once you have
me started on all this so once you have this self identity and you’ve got this
this self identity and you’ve got this
this self identity and you’ve got this kind of idea this list and I highly
kind of idea this list and I highly
kind of idea this list and I highly encourage you to write it down and check
encourage you to write it down and check
encourage you to write it down and check back on it every six months or 12 months
back on it every six months or 12 months
back on it every six months or 12 months and go but really who I still am or I
and go but really who I still am or I
and go but really who I still am or I really thought that maybe I need to
really thought that maybe I need to
really thought that maybe I need to rethink that piece of that well then
rethink that piece of that well then
rethink that piece of that well then you’re gonna start watching for
you’re gonna start watching for
you’re gonna start watching for challenges to that identity you can’t
challenges to that identity you can’t
challenges to that identity you can’t look for challenges to something until
look for challenges to something until
look for challenges to something until you know this what that something is
you know this what that something is
you know this what that something is so challenges to your identity I’ll take
so challenges to your identity I’ll take
so challenges to your identity I’ll take you through me when I was born a doctor
you through me when I was born a doctor
you through me when I was born a doctor held me out by the feet and yelled it’s
held me out by the feet and yelled it’s
held me out by the feet and yelled it’s a girl and everybody was excited and
a girl and everybody was excited and
a girl and everybody was excited and bought pink roses and little balloons
bought pink roses and little balloons
bought pink roses and little balloons for my mom and everybody was happy
for my mom and everybody was happy
for my mom and everybody was happy very exciting and as time went on that
very exciting and as time went on that
very exciting and as time went on that was okay I had you know the birthday
was okay I had you know the birthday
was okay I had you know the birthday party in the frilly dress and I read
party in the frilly dress and I read
party in the frilly dress and I read books with my sister and as I got older
books with my sister and as I got older
books with my sister and as I got older I became less and less comfortable with
I became less and less comfortable with
I became less and less comfortable with what the narrative of being a girl meant
what the narrative of being a girl meant
what the narrative of being a girl meant it made me more and more uncomfortable
it made me more and more uncomfortable
it made me more and more uncomfortable and I couldn’t ever put my finger on it
and I couldn’t ever put my finger on it
and I couldn’t ever put my finger on it what was it about the girl thing I knew
what was it about the girl thing I knew
what was it about the girl thing I knew that I was comfortable with the concept
that I was comfortable with the concept
that I was comfortable with the concept the word was the right word I was female
the word was the right word I was female
the word was the right word I was female that was fine by me I had no problems
that was fine by me I had no problems
that was fine by me I had no problems with that and yet something didn’t line
with that and yet something didn’t line
with that and yet something didn’t line up and I allowed myself to take that
up and I allowed myself to take that
up and I allowed myself to take that easy way out of not being like other
easy way out of not being like other
easy way out of not being like other girls so I could ignore all of things
girls so I could ignore all of things
girls so I could ignore all of things in the word that made me uncomfortable
in the word that made me uncomfortable
in the word that made me uncomfortable and all of the expectations from those
and all of the expectations from those
and all of the expectations from those narratives I was given that made me
narratives I was given that made me
narratives I was given that made me unhappy I was a jock I was really into
unhappy I was a jock I was really into
unhappy I was a jock I was really into martial arts this is me at my black belt
martial arts this is me at my black belt
martial arts this is me at my black belt testing in high school and I was a
testing in high school and I was a
testing in high school and I was a complete and utter academic nerd I am
complete and utter academic nerd I am
complete and utter academic nerd I am here dressed up for the Ides of March
here dressed up for the Ides of March
here dressed up for the Ides of March the day when they stabbed Julius Caesar
the day when they stabbed Julius Caesar
the day when they stabbed Julius Caesar to death I wore that toga all over
to death I wore that toga all over
to death I wore that toga all over campus in loving memory but by college I
campus in loving memory but by college I
campus in loving memory but by college I had grown so uncomfortable that I
had grown so uncomfortable that I
had grown so uncomfortable that I refused to put on makeup I issued
refused to put on makeup I issued
refused to put on makeup I issued dresses I felt uncomfortable and judged
dresses I felt uncomfortable and judged
dresses I felt uncomfortable and judged in them and what I didn’t realize was
in them and what I didn’t realize was
in them and what I didn’t realize was that I was being judged by myself now
that I was being judged by myself now
that I was being judged by myself now while I was in college this really
while I was in college this really
while I was in college this really wonderful thing happened
wonderful thing happened
wonderful thing happened I met someone and I got married and this
I met someone and I got married and this
I met someone and I got married and this is one of the only pictures of me
is one of the only pictures of me
is one of the only pictures of me between the ages of 19 and 30 that you
between the ages of 19 and 30 that you
between the ages of 19 and 30 that you will see me in a dress because some part
will see me in a dress because some part
will see me in a dress because some part of me fed into the narrative of wearing
of me fed into the narrative of wearing
of me fed into the narrative of wearing a dress to my wedding but I made sure
a dress to my wedding but I made sure
a dress to my wedding but I made sure everybody knew that I had the little
everybody knew that I had the little
everybody knew that I had the little leggings on underneath it very important
leggings on underneath it very important
leggings on underneath it very important that everybody knew that and I was
that everybody knew that and I was
that everybody knew that and I was wearing flat shoes because goodness
wearing flat shoes because goodness
wearing flat shoes because goodness knows I wasn’t going to wear heels
knows I wasn’t going to wear heels
knows I wasn’t going to wear heels because they made me not just physically
because they made me not just physically
because they made me not just physically but emotionally uncomfortable and my
but emotionally uncomfortable and my
but emotionally uncomfortable and my wife and I moved to Taiwan we were very
wife and I moved to Taiwan we were very
wife and I moved to Taiwan we were very happy and that little thing that
happy and that little thing that
happy and that little thing that continued to niggle in the back of my
continued to niggle in the back of my
continued to niggle in the back of my head just sat there niggling because you
head just sat there niggling because you
head just sat there niggling because you know I could actually ignore it most of
know I could actually ignore it most of
know I could actually ignore it most of the time I didn’t wear makeup I didn’t
the time I didn’t wear makeup I didn’t
the time I didn’t wear makeup I didn’t need to wear dresses so I was okay just
need to wear dresses so I was okay just
need to wear dresses so I was okay just ignoring the fact that it existed and I
ignoring the fact that it existed and I
ignoring the fact that it existed and I could go on with my life and that was
could go on with my life and that was
could go on with my life and that was fine so I found challenges but I hadn’t
fine so I found challenges but I hadn’t
fine so I found challenges but I hadn’t confronted them because every time it
confronted them because every time it
confronted them because every time it came up I simply said you know this
came up I simply said you know this
came up I simply said you know this isn’t a big deal this isn’t really a big
isn’t a big deal this isn’t really a big
isn’t a big deal this isn’t really a big problem just push it back push it back
problem just push it back push it back
problem just push it back push it back and I’m just me it’s it’s just me but I
and I’m just me it’s it’s just me but I
and I’m just me it’s it’s just me but I didn’t realize that I was judging the
didn’t realize that I was judging the
didn’t realize that I was judging the other women around me who actually did
other women around me who actually did
other women around me who actually did do these things
do these things
do these things that made me uncomfortable and there
that made me uncomfortable and there
that made me uncomfortable and there were times when I even tried to convince
were times when I even tried to convince
were times when I even tried to convince them not to do it because you know what
them not to do it because you know what
them not to do it because you know what that’s just them selling you a certain
that’s just them selling you a certain
that’s just them selling you a certain version of womanhood and that’s not cool
version of womanhood and that’s not cool
version of womanhood and that’s not cool completely ignoring that of course
completely ignoring that of course
completely ignoring that of course there’s more than one version of
there’s more than one version of
there’s more than one version of womanhood but I was uncomfortable with
womanhood but I was uncomfortable with
womanhood but I was uncomfortable with any version that wasn’t mine
any version that wasn’t mine
any version that wasn’t mine what I needed was a model of
what I needed was a model of
what I needed was a model of confrontation a way to actually look at
confrontation a way to actually look at
confrontation a way to actually look at it an example I’m gonna give you on the
it an example I’m gonna give you on the
it an example I’m gonna give you on the surface kind of looks like examples that
surface kind of looks like examples that
surface kind of looks like examples that I had but the experiences are incredibly
I had but the experiences are incredibly
I had but the experiences are incredibly different and yet it was a model of
different and yet it was a model of
different and yet it was a model of confrontation for me a way to start
confrontation for me a way to start
confrontation for me a way to start asking more important questions so when
asking more important questions so when
asking more important questions so when Amber was born she had the same pink
Amber was born she had the same pink
Amber was born she had the same pink balloons and little roses and everybody
balloons and little roses and everybody
balloons and little roses and everybody was happy and she went home and in
was happy and she went home and in
was happy and she went home and in college she met this really wonderful
college she met this really wonderful
college she met this really wonderful woman and they got married and they
woman and they got married and they
woman and they got married and they moved to Taiwan and they were happy but
moved to Taiwan and they were happy but
moved to Taiwan and they were happy but while I was dealing with a certain piece
while I was dealing with a certain piece
while I was dealing with a certain piece of my identity the piece that had to do
of my identity the piece that had to do
of my identity the piece that had to do with my definition of the word female of
with my definition of the word female of
with my definition of the word female of the word girl of woman amber was walking
the word girl of woman amber was walking
the word girl of woman amber was walking down a path that like I said on the
down a path that like I said on the
down a path that like I said on the outside it looks really similar and yet
outside it looks really similar and yet
outside it looks really similar and yet it was so incredibly different because
it was so incredibly different because
it was so incredibly different because amber realized after we moved here that
amber realized after we moved here that
amber realized after we moved here that while it wasn’t the definitions of woman
while it wasn’t the definitions of woman
while it wasn’t the definitions of woman that made her uncomfortable
that made her uncomfortable
that made her uncomfortable it was the being a woman that didn’t
it was the being a woman that didn’t
it was the being a woman that didn’t work so amber became sky and my wife
work so amber became sky and my wife
work so amber became sky and my wife came out as my husband and confronted
came out as my husband and confronted
came out as my husband and confronted those things and this was not an easy
those things and this was not an easy
those things and this was not an easy process this was a difficult process of
process this was a difficult process of
process this was a difficult process of asking lots and lots of very complicated
asking lots and lots of very complicated
asking lots and lots of very complicated questions questions like not just what
questions questions like not just what
questions questions like not just what does it mean to be a woman because that
does it mean to be a woman because that
does it mean to be a woman because that was never the question the question was
was never the question the question was
was never the question the question was who am I am
who am I am
who am I am bigger question than I had been
bigger question than I had been
bigger question than I had been approaching and a question that was much
approaching and a question that was much
approaching and a question that was much scarier because it was a much deeper
scarier because it was a much deeper
scarier because it was a much deeper redefinition of self and my husband came
redefinition of self and my husband came
redefinition of self and my husband came out as my spouse eventually and I’ve
out as my spouse eventually and I’ve
out as my spouse eventually and I’ve never seen them happier and I’ve never
never seen them happier and I’ve never
never seen them happier and I’ve never seen them more true to themselves and
seen them more true to themselves and
seen them more true to themselves and for me this was what I wanted I wanted a
for me this was what I wanted I wanted a
for me this was what I wanted I wanted a version of self that was true that was
version of self that was true that was
version of self that was true that was me that I could identify as I needed to
me that I could identify as I needed to
me that I could identify as I needed to confront those questions I needed to
confront those questions I needed to
confront those questions I needed to confront that definition but to confront
confront that definition but to confront
confront that definition but to confront it I had to go back and I had to ask the
it I had to go back and I had to ask the
it I had to go back and I had to ask the questions again because I figured that
questions again because I figured that
questions again because I figured that once I’d gone through them in high
once I’d gone through them in high
once I’d gone through them in high school we were done right I mean you
school we were done right I mean you
school we were done right I mean you don’t have to learn things twice except
don’t have to learn things twice except
don’t have to learn things twice except that it’s not learning it’s experience
that it’s not learning it’s experience
that it’s not learning it’s experience and it’s growth and it’s change because
and it’s growth and it’s change because
and it’s growth and it’s change because my narrative didn’t fit me and I
my narrative didn’t fit me and I
my narrative didn’t fit me and I realized that the narrative that I’ve
realized that the narrative that I’ve
realized that the narrative that I’ve been given for a woman actually didn’t
been given for a woman actually didn’t
been given for a woman actually didn’t fit the women around me either
fit the women around me either
fit the women around me either and so I started asking questions not
and so I started asking questions not
and so I started asking questions not just of myself and that was the piece
just of myself and that was the piece
just of myself and that was the piece that was important because when Skye
that was important because when Skye
that was important because when Skye went through their identity
went through their identity
went through their identity confrontation we talked about it
confrontation we talked about it
confrontation we talked about it together they talked about it with other
together they talked about it with other
together they talked about it with other people and this was the model of
people and this was the model of
people and this was the model of confrontation I need it asking really
confrontation I need it asking really
confrontation I need it asking really hard questions really hard questions
hard questions really hard questions
hard questions really hard questions things that have the ability to change
things that have the ability to change
things that have the ability to change you fundamentally questioning not just
you fundamentally questioning not just
you fundamentally questioning not just who you are but why you’re that person
who you are but why you’re that person
who you are but why you’re that person and whether you’ve chosen to be that
and whether you’ve chosen to be that
and whether you’ve chosen to be that person or whether it was chosen for you
person or whether it was chosen for you
person or whether it was chosen for you did you accept the narrative because it
did you accept the narrative because it
did you accept the narrative because it was easy or did you actually go through
was easy or did you actually go through
was easy or did you actually go through a process of deciding that it was
a process of deciding that it was
a process of deciding that it was important to be that
important to be that
important to be that person and so I started having these
person and so I started having these
person and so I started having these conversations with everyone and this
conversations with everyone and this
conversations with everyone and this amazing thing happened I realized that
amazing thing happened I realized that
amazing thing happened I realized that the narratives didn’t fit anyone I knew
the narratives didn’t fit anyone I knew
the narratives didn’t fit anyone I knew and so I figured out that the last piece
and so I figured out that the last piece
and so I figured out that the last piece of this was to not stop asking but also
of this was to not stop asking but also
of this was to not stop asking but also to never stop asking other people this
to never stop asking other people this
to never stop asking other people this is not an experience that can happen
is not an experience that can happen
is not an experience that can happen only in yourself
only in yourself
only in yourself this is an experience if we’re going to
this is an experience if we’re going to
this is an experience if we’re going to change the world and we’re gonna change
change the world and we’re gonna change
change the world and we’re gonna change the narratives so that people have more
the narratives so that people have more
the narratives so that people have more choices so people have more ability to
choices so people have more ability to
choices so people have more ability to understand who they are and what their
understand who they are and what their
understand who they are and what their abilities and potential and
abilities and potential and
abilities and potential and opportunities are then we can’t stop
opportunities are then we can’t stop
opportunities are then we can’t stop asking and we have to ask others and you
asking and we have to ask others and you
asking and we have to ask others and you don’t have to have an answer when you
don’t have to have an answer when you
don’t have to have an answer when you ask you just start asking so I asked the
ask you just start asking so I asked the
ask you just start asking so I asked the women around me what it meant to be a
women around me what it meant to be a
women around me what it meant to be a woman and I found that none of them had
woman and I found that none of them had
woman and I found that none of them had narratives that met that story that I’d
narratives that met that story that I’d
narratives that met that story that I’d been told of Sleeping Beauty waiting for
been told of Sleeping Beauty waiting for
been told of Sleeping Beauty waiting for her prince to come or even the TV shows
her prince to come or even the TV shows
her prince to come or even the TV shows I watched growing up we none of us were
I watched growing up we none of us were
I watched growing up we none of us were any of those people and that was okay
any of those people and that was okay
any of those people and that was okay but we also learned that those
but we also learned that those
but we also learned that those narratives had to be rewritten and that
narratives had to be rewritten and that
narratives had to be rewritten and that you rewrite them by talking to people
you rewrite them by talking to people
you rewrite them by talking to people and asking questions and asking them to
and asking questions and asking them to
and asking questions and asking them to actually look into who they are and I
actually look into who they are and I
actually look into who they are and I figured out through this process of
figured out through this process of
figured out through this process of questioning that you know the heart of
questioning that you know the heart of
questioning that you know the heart of the question you asked the more
the question you asked the more
the question you asked the more important the answer is gonna be so it’s
important the answer is gonna be so it’s
important the answer is gonna be so it’s one thing for me to stand here and ask
one thing for me to stand here and ask
one thing for me to stand here and ask what it means for me to be a woman but
what it means for me to be a woman but
what it means for me to be a woman but you know I had a conversation with a
you know I had a conversation with a
you know I had a conversation with a friend a little while ago she’s Asian
friend a little while ago she’s Asian
friend a little while ago she’s Asian American and I was talking to her and I
American and I was talking to her and I
American and I was talking to her and I said so you know you’re you’re Asian
said so you know you’re you’re Asian
said so you know you’re you’re Asian what does that mean to you are you proud
what does that mean to you are you proud
what does that mean to you are you proud of it she’s like yes I’m proud of it she
of it she’s like yes I’m proud of it she
of it she’s like yes I’m proud of it she had an answer for what it meant because
had an answer for what it meant because
had an answer for what it meant because she’d had to think through it she’d
she’d had to think through it she’d
she’d had to think through it she’d actually gone through that experience of
actually gone through that experience of
actually gone through that experience of thinking through what it meant for her
thinking through what it meant for her
thinking through what it meant for her to be Asian in the United States and
to be Asian in the United States and
to be Asian in the United States and then the darndest thing she looked at me
then the darndest thing she looked at me
then the darndest thing she looked at me and she said so what does it mean for
and she said so what does it mean for
and she said so what does it mean for you to be white
you to be white
you to be white [Music]
[Music]
[Music] and I have nothing I had no answer for
and I have nothing I had no answer for
and I have nothing I had no answer for that at all because I never thought
that at all because I never thought
that at all because I never thought about it you know all the people on the
about it you know all the people on the
about it you know all the people on the TV shows were white and everyone where I
TV shows were white and everyone where I
TV shows were white and everyone where I grew up was white and you know it wasn’t
grew up was white and you know it wasn’t
grew up was white and you know it wasn’t something that people had ever asked me
something that people had ever asked me
something that people had ever asked me about before and nobody challenged it
about before and nobody challenged it
about before and nobody challenged it and I realized that that was a lot
and I realized that that was a lot
and I realized that that was a lot harder question and really scary because
harder question and really scary because
harder question and really scary because if I started asking what that meant and
if I started asking what that meant and
if I started asking what that meant and I had to deal with all of those things
I had to deal with all of those things
I had to deal with all of those things that came along with being white and I
that came along with being white and I
that came along with being white and I had to actually have an identity based
had to actually have an identity based
had to actually have an identity based on acknowledging it instead of what I’d
on acknowledging it instead of what I’d
on acknowledging it instead of what I’d always had which was an identity based
always had which was an identity based
always had which was an identity based on ignoring it and pretending it didn’t
on ignoring it and pretending it didn’t
on ignoring it and pretending it didn’t matter because it matters of course it
matter because it matters of course it
matter because it matters of course it matters so I asked my friends difficult
matters so I asked my friends difficult
matters so I asked my friends difficult questions and I’m a teacher and I asked
questions and I’m a teacher and I asked
questions and I’m a teacher and I asked my students difficult questions and the
my students difficult questions and the
my students difficult questions and the whole point is to get them to think
whole point is to get them to think
whole point is to get them to think about this friends students my parents
about this friends students my parents
about this friends students my parents everyone I think everybody needs to
everyone I think everybody needs to
everyone I think everybody needs to answer these questions everyone needs to
answer these questions everyone needs to
answer these questions everyone needs to find the answers and you know you’ll
find the answers and you know you’ll
find the answers and you know you’ll find out that the most important
find out that the most important
find out that the most important questions in these are the ones that
questions in these are the ones that
questions in these are the ones that come up when you start asking the things
come up when you start asking the things
come up when you start asking the things you’ve never thought about the things
you’ve never thought about the things
you’ve never thought about the things you’ve always taken for granted
you’ve always taken for granted
you’ve always taken for granted questions of race and gender and faith
questions of race and gender and faith
questions of race and gender and faith and nationality and language the things
and nationality and language the things
and nationality and language the things that you’ve always just accepted as true
that you’ve always just accepted as true
that you’ve always just accepted as true the same way that we accept that the sky
the same way that we accept that the sky
the same way that we accept that the sky is blue and we don’t outside about grade
is blue and we don’t outside about grade
is blue and we don’t outside about grade three when they explained it really
three when they explained it really
three when they explained it really asked why I had to start asking what it
asked why I had to start asking what it
asked why I had to start asking what it meant for me to be white and what it
meant for me to be white and what it
meant for me to be white and what it meant to have been raised Protestant and
meant to have been raised Protestant and
meant to have been raised Protestant and what it meant to be a woman and what it
what it meant to be a woman and what it
what it meant to be a woman and what it meant to be American and I’m still
meant to be American and I’m still
meant to be American and I’m still working on them and I’m still asking
working on them and I’m still asking
working on them and I’m still asking these same questions and I’ll have you
these same questions and I’ll have you
these same questions and I’ll have you know I asked my mother the same question
know I asked my mother the same question
know I asked my mother the same question every couple years in the conversation
every couple years in the conversation
every couple years in the conversation we have changes every time and that’s
we have changes every time and that’s
we have changes every time and that’s the best part because it means that the
the best part because it means that the
the best part because it means that the ideas change
dissonance is a sign this thing where
dissonance is a sign this thing where your world doesn’t match where you start
your world doesn’t match where you start
your world doesn’t match where you start to notice little bits of discomfort and
to notice little bits of discomfort and
to notice little bits of discomfort and you kind of push them off you’re like no
you kind of push them off you’re like no
you kind of push them off you’re like no no no it’s cool it’s cool it’s cool and
no no it’s cool it’s cool it’s cool and
no no it’s cool it’s cool it’s cool and you start that doublethink process where
you start that doublethink process where
you start that doublethink process where you know on the one hand I know that
you know on the one hand I know that
you know on the one hand I know that girls wear dresses and makeup and that
girls wear dresses and makeup and that
girls wear dresses and makeup and that they want to be mothers and have
they want to be mothers and have
they want to be mothers and have children and yet on the other hand I
children and yet on the other hand I
children and yet on the other hand I have am NOT going to have children and I
have am NOT going to have children and I
have am NOT going to have children and I am NOT interested in pink fluffy dresses
am NOT interested in pink fluffy dresses
am NOT interested in pink fluffy dresses most of the time and and and how do I
most of the time and and and how do I
most of the time and and and how do I make these match and I go it’s okay I’m
make these match and I go it’s okay I’m
make these match and I go it’s okay I’m just not like that everybody else is
just not like that everybody else is
just not like that everybody else is like that but I’m not like that and
like that but I’m not like that and
like that but I’m not like that and that’s okay because not everybody else
that’s okay because not everybody else
that’s okay because not everybody else is like that and those moments of
is like that and those moments of
is like that and those moments of dissonance start looking for them
dissonance start looking for them
dissonance start looking for them because they’re a sign that something
because they’re a sign that something
because they’re a sign that something isn’t right something in the narrative
isn’t right something in the narrative
isn’t right something in the narrative is wrong or missing because the
is wrong or missing because the
is wrong or missing because the narrative was easy and we like easy it’s
narrative was easy and we like easy it’s
narrative was easy and we like easy it’s comfortable and when you notice that ask
comfortable and when you notice that ask
comfortable and when you notice that ask yourself what’s wrong ask yourself where
yourself what’s wrong ask yourself where
yourself what’s wrong ask yourself where it’s coming from and then ask other
it’s coming from and then ask other
it’s coming from and then ask other people I paint my nails as a way to
people I paint my nails as a way to
people I paint my nails as a way to explain this to people I painted them as
explain this to people I painted them as
explain this to people I painted them as a way to come to terms with my
a way to come to terms with my
a way to come to terms with my femininity to walk out of the house and
femininity to walk out of the house and
femininity to walk out of the house and ask why when nobody noticed that I’d
ask why when nobody noticed that I’d
ask why when nobody noticed that I’d painted my nails why did I feel
painted my nails why did I feel
painted my nails why did I feel self-conscious and shameful why was I
self-conscious and shameful why was I
self-conscious and shameful why was I uncomfortable with this and it was
uncomfortable with this and it was
uncomfortable with this and it was because I thought that people were
because I thought that people were
because I thought that people were judging me and were seeing me as much
judging me and were seeing me as much
judging me and were seeing me as much more effeminate maybe then I felt or
more effeminate maybe then I felt or
more effeminate maybe then I felt or something and the reason I felt shame
something and the reason I felt shame
something and the reason I felt shame was I thought that all these bad things
was I thought that all these bad things
was I thought that all these bad things were gonna come along with it because
were gonna come along with it because
were gonna come along with it because those were the messages I was given so I
those were the messages I was given so I
those were the messages I was given so I paint my nails so I can ask other people
paint my nails so I can ask other people
paint my nails so I can ask other people it’s to remind me to ask other people
it’s to remind me to ask other people
it’s to remind me to ask other people these hard questions because when we ask
these hard questions because when we ask
these hard questions because when we ask questions and when we start challenging
questions and when we start challenging
questions and when we start challenging easy identities we start challenging
easy identities we start challenging
easy identities we start challenging those stereotypes then what started out
those stereotypes then what started out
those stereotypes then what started out as a whisper
as a whisper
as a whisper of discomfort turns into a roar of
of discomfort turns into a roar of
of discomfort turns into a roar of disillusionment where people realize
disillusionment where people realize
disillusionment where people realize that the story isn’t true and that’s
that the story isn’t true and that’s
that the story isn’t true and that’s when the stories change and that’s how
when the stories change and that’s how
when the stories change and that’s how we change the world thank you
we change the world thank you
we change the world thank you [Applause]
”
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