you’ve most likely never been told this in your lives but yet it’s kind of the
in your lives but yet it’s kind of the
in your lives but yet it’s kind of the basis for life itself
basis for life itself
basis for life itself so take comfort in what I’m about to
so take comfort in what I’m about to
so take comfort in what I’m about to tell you not concern it’s okay to die
tell you not concern it’s okay to die
tell you not concern it’s okay to die I’m not talking about this I’m gonna
I’m not talking about this I’m gonna
I’m not talking about this I’m gonna kill myself sort of mentality that’s a
kill myself sort of mentality that’s a
kill myself sort of mentality that’s a different story
different story
different story we’ll get to that what I’m talking about
we’ll get to that what I’m talking about
we’ll get to that what I’m talking about is this alternative to the death
is this alternative to the death
is this alternative to the death narrative that we’ve been given which is
narrative that we’ve been given which is
narrative that we’ve been given which is that death is an adversary and that it
that death is an adversary and that it
that death is an adversary and that it steals the significance of our existence
steals the significance of our existence
steals the significance of our existence that it is the punctuation of a period
that it is the punctuation of a period
that it is the punctuation of a period on these compound-complex sentences that
on these compound-complex sentences that
on these compound-complex sentences that we call our lives and out of these fears
we call our lives and out of these fears
we call our lives and out of these fears we come up with these subliminal ways
we come up with these subliminal ways
we come up with these subliminal ways that we try to subdue death whether it’s
that we try to subdue death whether it’s
that we try to subdue death whether it’s through bearing children or embodying
through bearing children or embodying
through bearing children or embodying our egos into art or applying synthetic
our egos into art or applying synthetic
our egos into art or applying synthetic cosmetics to our bio-organic bodies but
cosmetics to our bio-organic bodies but
cosmetics to our bio-organic bodies but I am here to tell you it’s okay to die
all right so I clearly fixate on dark
all right so I clearly fixate on dark things welcome to the next 15 minutes of
things welcome to the next 15 minutes of
things welcome to the next 15 minutes of your lives with this I swear to you it’s
your lives with this I swear to you it’s
your lives with this I swear to you it’s a love story not all love stories are
a love story not all love stories are
a love story not all love stories are simple and easy so Who am I to say such
simple and easy so Who am I to say such
simple and easy so Who am I to say such a thing it’s okay to die I mean entire
a thing it’s okay to die I mean entire
a thing it’s okay to die I mean entire religions have been written and created
religions have been written and created
religions have been written and created to contradict to those four words let me
to contradict to those four words let me
to contradict to those four words let me start by saying I am a 33 year old with
start by saying I am a 33 year old with
start by saying I am a 33 year old with a very embarrassing bank account someone
a very embarrassing bank account someone
a very embarrassing bank account someone who lives in the back of this makeshift
who lives in the back of this makeshift
who lives in the back of this makeshift furniture store as a means of trying to
furniture store as a means of trying to
furniture store as a means of trying to financially offset this literary
financially offset this literary
financially offset this literary lifestyle I’ve been pursuing someone who
lifestyle I’ve been pursuing someone who
lifestyle I’ve been pursuing someone who has a history of scavenging for meals
has a history of scavenging for meals
has a history of scavenging for meals out of dumpsters someone who still
out of dumpsters someone who still
out of dumpsters someone who still occasionally does
occasionally does
occasionally does so I’m just your typical run-of-the-mill
so I’m just your typical run-of-the-mill
so I’m just your typical run-of-the-mill death expert as such our grim tale
death expert as such our grim tale
death expert as such our grim tale begins about seven years ago while I was
begins about seven years ago while I was
begins about seven years ago while I was volunteering for the social justice
volunteering for the social justice
volunteering for the social justice nonprofit that had me traveling around
nonprofit that had me traveling around
nonprofit that had me traveling around the United States back and forth living
the United States back and forth living
the United States back and forth living out of this van giving presentations at
out of this van giving presentations at
out of this van giving presentations at high schools and universities raising
high schools and universities raising
high schools and universities raising awareness and advocacy in the hopes of
awareness and advocacy in the hopes of
awareness and advocacy in the hopes of mitigating the use of child soldiers in
mitigating the use of child soldiers in
mitigating the use of child soldiers in Central East Africa and when you live in
Central East Africa and when you live in
Central East Africa and when you live in a van with people with your co-workers
a van with people with your co-workers
a van with people with your co-workers you start developing really strong bonds
you start developing really strong bonds
you start developing really strong bonds with them especially when you’re dealing
with them especially when you’re dealing
with them especially when you’re dealing with such heartbreaking and harrowing
with such heartbreaking and harrowing
with such heartbreaking and harrowing work one of these people became a best
work one of these people became a best
work one of these people became a best friend Nate hen this goofy charismatic
friend Nate hen this goofy charismatic
friend Nate hen this goofy charismatic uplifting guy sometimes we were on the
uplifting guy sometimes we were on the
uplifting guy sometimes we were on the same team together sometimes we were
same team together sometimes we were
same team together sometimes we were shuffled around the country but we
shuffled around the country but we
shuffled around the country but we always stayed in contact text messaging
always stayed in contact text messaging
always stayed in contact text messaging or calling each other and it brought a
or calling each other and it brought a
or calling each other and it brought a brightness back to those long and taxing
brightness back to those long and taxing
brightness back to those long and taxing days and I suppose that’s why one
days and I suppose that’s why one
days and I suppose that’s why one conversation in particular really stood
conversation in particular really stood
conversation in particular really stood out because it was Nate being west ship
out because it was Nate being west ship
out because it was Nate being west ship or less optimistic a little more somber
or less optimistic a little more somber
or less optimistic a little more somber or melancholy he had called and said
or melancholy he had called and said
or melancholy he had called and said Tyler I just got the news that one of my
Tyler I just got the news that one of my
Tyler I just got the news that one of my friends from childhood he he was killed
friends from childhood he he was killed
friends from childhood he he was killed while deployed in the Middle East when
while deployed in the Middle East when
while deployed in the Middle East when he went on to say to the best of my
he went on to say to the best of my
he went on to say to the best of my memory that this was his fourth or fifth
memory that this was his fourth or fifth
memory that this was his fourth or fifth friend that he had lost at a young age
friend that he had lost at a young age
friend that he had lost at a young age and I didn’t know what to say because
and I didn’t know what to say because
and I didn’t know what to say because we’re not really ever taught how to deal
we’re not really ever taught how to deal
we’re not really ever taught how to deal with grief right it’s not taught to us
with grief right it’s not taught to us
with grief right it’s not taught to us in school unless you’re maybe going for
in school unless you’re maybe going for
in school unless you’re maybe going for a grad program or PhD and I think we
a grad program or PhD and I think we
a grad program or PhD and I think we just kind of hope that empathetic
just kind of hope that empathetic
just kind of hope that empathetic response will kick in when necessary so
response will kick in when necessary so
response will kick in when necessary so I’m sure I probably said what I was
I’m sure I probably said what I was
I’m sure I probably said what I was supposed to say to him in that moment
supposed to say to him in that moment
supposed to say to him in that moment that I was sorry for his loss I’m sure I
that I was sorry for his loss I’m sure I
that I was sorry for his loss I’m sure I gave anecdotes and platitudes of my own
gave anecdotes and platitudes of my own
gave anecdotes and platitudes of my own experiences up until that point which
experiences up until that point which
experiences up until that point which was a friend in high school drowning in
was a friend in high school drowning in
was a friend in high school drowning in a bridge jumping accident or my aunt
a bridge jumping accident or my aunt
a bridge jumping accident or my aunt Janice contracting the rare pulmonary
Janice contracting the rare pulmonary
Janice contracting the rare pulmonary disease hunt virus and I’m not sure if
disease hunt virus and I’m not sure if
disease hunt virus and I’m not sure if my words helped the next time I saw Nate
my words helped the next time I saw Nate
my words helped the next time I saw Nate we were back to her
we were back to her
we were back to her childish antics of practicing pro
childish antics of practicing pro
childish antics of practicing pro wrestling moves on each other and
wrestling moves on each other and
wrestling moves on each other and convenience store parking lots
convenience store parking lots
convenience store parking lots oh here were idiots but the last thing
oh here were idiots but the last thing
oh here were idiots but the last thing you said in that conversation I’ll never
you said in that conversation I’ll never
you said in that conversation I’ll never forget you said Tyler I’m tired of my
forget you said Tyler I’m tired of my
forget you said Tyler I’m tired of my friends dying those words stand so
friends dying those words stand so
friends dying those words stand so resolute in my mind because it wasn’t
resolute in my mind because it wasn’t
resolute in my mind because it wasn’t but three months later that Nate himself
but three months later that Nate himself
but three months later that Nate himself was dead he had gone to Uganda to
was dead he had gone to Uganda to
was dead he had gone to Uganda to witness firsthand the groundwork that we
witness firsthand the groundwork that we
witness firsthand the groundwork that we advocated so ardently for and he was
advocated so ardently for and he was
advocated so ardently for and he was over there visiting friends watching the
over there visiting friends watching the
over there visiting friends watching the men’s FIFA World Cup championship match
men’s FIFA World Cup championship match
men’s FIFA World Cup championship match and it was during this game that a
and it was during this game that a
and it was during this game that a series of explosions erupted it across
series of explosions erupted it across
series of explosions erupted it across Kampala terrorist attacks orchestrated
Kampala terrorist attacks orchestrated
Kampala terrorist attacks orchestrated by a Somali militant group 74 innocent
by a Somali militant group 74 innocent
by a Somali militant group 74 innocent people were murdered that day one of
people were murdered that day one of
people were murdered that day one of them now with a little bit of shrapnel
them now with a little bit of shrapnel
them now with a little bit of shrapnel in his chest was Nate
four days later coincidentally I started
four days later coincidentally I started this new job in Colorado working at a
this new job in Colorado working at a
this new job in Colorado working at a wedding Chateau just outside Rocky
wedding Chateau just outside Rocky
wedding Chateau just outside Rocky Mountain National Park I arrived as an
Mountain National Park I arrived as an
Mountain National Park I arrived as an infected wound as a single cell to our
infected wound as a single cell to our
infected wound as a single cell to our species now poisoned with hurt and
species now poisoned with hurt and
species now poisoned with hurt and confusion and anger and soon if left
confusion and anger and soon if left
confusion and anger and soon if left untreated to metastasize into that
untreated to metastasize into that
untreated to metastasize into that cancer of hatred nights planned with
cancer of hatred nights planned with
cancer of hatred nights planned with friends to go bowling or see a movie
friends to go bowling or see a movie
friends to go bowling or see a movie they were eclipsed by solitude at the
they were eclipsed by solitude at the
they were eclipsed by solitude at the river or an iconic company drives into
river or an iconic company drives into
river or an iconic company drives into the woods I just I couldn’t shake this
the woods I just I couldn’t shake this
the woods I just I couldn’t shake this strange new paradigm of darkness that
strange new paradigm of darkness that
strange new paradigm of darkness that was forced upon me and illuminating this
was forced upon me and illuminating this
was forced upon me and illuminating this age-old truth that life was only
age-old truth that life was only
age-old truth that life was only possible with loss and loss only
possible with loss and loss only
possible with loss and loss only meaningful through love I started
meaningful through love I started
meaningful through love I started withdrawing from people away from
withdrawing from people away from
withdrawing from people away from friends community family but the more I
friends community family but the more I
friends community family but the more I withdrew the more I was exploring and
withdrew the more I was exploring and
withdrew the more I was exploring and the more I learned about nature the more
the more I learned about nature the more
the more I learned about nature the more I was learning about myself I was out on
I was learning about myself I was out on
I was learning about myself I was out on those trails in that National Park any
those trails in that National Park any
those trails in that National Park any chance that I had because I was holding
chance that I had because I was holding
chance that I had because I was holding on to any fragment of who
on to any fragment of who
on to any fragment of who that could bring purpose back to this
that could bring purpose back to this
that could bring purpose back to this pain because what should have been a
pain because what should have been a
pain because what should have been a summer paradise had become a turbulent
summer paradise had become a turbulent
summer paradise had become a turbulent test of character but it was the
test of character but it was the
test of character but it was the mountains that drew me back in and
mountains that drew me back in and
mountains that drew me back in and that’s why by the end of that summer I
that’s why by the end of that summer I
that’s why by the end of that summer I had set this goal it’s a hike to the
had set this goal it’s a hike to the
had set this goal it’s a hike to the highest point in that park longs peak at
highest point in that park longs peak at
highest point in that park longs peak at fourteen thousand two hundred and fifty
fourteen thousand two hundred and fifty
fourteen thousand two hundred and fifty nine feet
nine feet
nine feet the keeper of the rocky crown I set this
the keeper of the rocky crown I set this
the keeper of the rocky crown I set this goal because maybe naively and
goal because maybe naively and
goal because maybe naively and metaphorically I thought that if I could
metaphorically I thought that if I could
metaphorically I thought that if I could get over that mountain maybe somehow I
get over that mountain maybe somehow I
get over that mountain maybe somehow I could get over my loss so I went to this
could get over my loss so I went to this
could get over my loss so I went to this place where people die every year hoping
place where people die every year hoping
place where people die every year hoping somehow to feel alive again
somehow to feel alive again
somehow to feel alive again I wanted to sweat my sufferings I wanted
I wanted to sweat my sufferings I wanted
I wanted to sweat my sufferings I wanted to seep all hunting memory from my mind
to seep all hunting memory from my mind
to seep all hunting memory from my mind so I woke up early a drove to the
so I woke up early a drove to the
so I woke up early a drove to the trailhead and I hiked for hours and I
trailhead and I hiked for hours and I
trailhead and I hiked for hours and I got to the last mile and a half of this
got to the last mile and a half of this
got to the last mile and a half of this mountain but there was a series of
mountain but there was a series of
mountain but there was a series of missteps that made me make a wrong turn
missteps that made me make a wrong turn
missteps that made me make a wrong turn and most fell off a cliff and confronted
and most fell off a cliff and confronted
and most fell off a cliff and confronted a mountain lion this is all to say I
a mountain lion this is all to say I
a mountain lion this is all to say I didn’t make it to the top of that summit
didn’t make it to the top of that summit
didn’t make it to the top of that summit and I went home and defeated shaking by
and I went home and defeated shaking by
and I went home and defeated shaking by these scares and was now hoping that
these scares and was now hoping that
these scares and was now hoping that there would be another time in place for
there would be another time in place for
there would be another time in place for lungs maybe when my heart like that
lungs maybe when my heart like that
lungs maybe when my heart like that mountain was more willing to forgive out
mountain was more willing to forgive out
mountain was more willing to forgive out of all of this though out of this
of all of this though out of this
of all of this though out of this failure came a different goal to visit
failure came a different goal to visit
failure came a different goal to visit all 59 of the u.s. national parks
all 59 of the u.s. national parks
all 59 of the u.s. national parks because what I’d found at Rocky Mountain
because what I’d found at Rocky Mountain
because what I’d found at Rocky Mountain National Park was so amazing and I was
National Park was so amazing and I was
National Park was so amazing and I was still grieving and I wanted to use that
still grieving and I wanted to use that
still grieving and I wanted to use that as a coping mechanism for what I was
as a coping mechanism for what I was
as a coping mechanism for what I was going through so initially these parks
going through so initially these parks
going through so initially these parks started coming really quickly and they
started coming really quickly and they
started coming really quickly and they were amazing I went to the Grand Tetons
Yosemite Bryce Canyon Capitol Reef and I
Yosemite Bryce Canyon Capitol Reef and I was seeing some of the most magnificent
was seeing some of the most magnificent
was seeing some of the most magnificent things on our planet I was seeing the
things on our planet I was seeing the
things on our planet I was seeing the biggest trees the tallest trees the
biggest trees the tallest trees the
biggest trees the tallest trees the oldest trees the
oldest trees the
oldest trees the clearest water the longest cave systems
clearest water the longest cave systems
clearest water the longest cave systems and through it all I felt my spirit
and through it all I felt my spirit
and through it all I felt my spirit regenerating and I was having so much
regenerating and I was having so much
regenerating and I was having so much fun I was skinny-dipping on the Channel
fun I was skinny-dipping on the Channel
fun I was skinny-dipping on the Channel Islands camping illegally on the side of
Islands camping illegally on the side of
Islands camping illegally on the side of the road still eating out of dumpsters
the road still eating out of dumpsters
the road still eating out of dumpsters but this time with those like tricky
but this time with those like tricky
but this time with those like tricky bear locks on them and the parks with
bear locks on them and the parks with
bear locks on them and the parks with all their majesty they just kept coming
all their majesty they just kept coming
all their majesty they just kept coming but so did the deaths there was my
but so did the deaths there was my
but so did the deaths there was my neighbor Terry who had been living with
neighbor Terry who had been living with
neighbor Terry who had been living with chronic pain from brain aneurysms to put
chronic pain from brain aneurysms to put
chronic pain from brain aneurysms to put a gun against his head and pulled the
a gun against his head and pulled the
a gun against his head and pulled the trigger there was my dear friend John
trigger there was my dear friend John
trigger there was my dear friend John who had been facing a battle with
who had been facing a battle with
who had been facing a battle with obsessive-compulsive disorder his entire
obsessive-compulsive disorder his entire
obsessive-compulsive disorder his entire life decided to mix a lethal dose of
life decided to mix a lethal dose of
life decided to mix a lethal dose of chemicals together while locked inside
chemicals together while locked inside
chemicals together while locked inside his Jeep Liberty and just when I thought
his Jeep Liberty and just when I thought
his Jeep Liberty and just when I thought I was on the crest of that wave of
I was on the crest of that wave of
I was on the crest of that wave of recovery I came crashing back down
recovery I came crashing back down
recovery I came crashing back down because I found myself in that same
because I found myself in that same
because I found myself in that same position that Nate had been in and I was
position that Nate had been in and I was
position that Nate had been in and I was saying to myself I’m so tired of my
saying to myself I’m so tired of my
saying to myself I’m so tired of my friends dying but these last two they
friends dying but these last two they
friends dying but these last two they really rattled me they kind of triggered
really rattled me they kind of triggered
really rattled me they kind of triggered me because I understood them because I’d
me because I understood them because I’d
me because I understood them because I’d been to that precipice I looked into
been to that precipice I looked into
been to that precipice I looked into that void I’d stood on that cliff of
that void I’d stood on that cliff of
that void I’d stood on that cliff of life and death and knew what it was to
life and death and knew what it was to
life and death and knew what it was to make a decision because since the age of
make a decision because since the age of
make a decision because since the age of 14 I’ve been battling with clinical
14 I’ve been battling with clinical
14 I’ve been battling with clinical depression myself and this is manifested
depression myself and this is manifested
depression myself and this is manifested in different ways destructive ways
in different ways destructive ways
in different ways destructive ways self-harm the inability to construct a
self-harm the inability to construct a
self-harm the inability to construct a future suicidal ideation and though it
future suicidal ideation and though it
future suicidal ideation and though it was Nate’s death that kind of led me on
was Nate’s death that kind of led me on
was Nate’s death that kind of led me on this journey from the beginning the
this journey from the beginning the
this journey from the beginning the inciting incident this wasn’t a conflict
inciting incident this wasn’t a conflict
inciting incident this wasn’t a conflict of man versus man or man versus nature
of man versus man or man versus nature
of man versus man or man versus nature it was man versus self and I had to
it was man versus self and I had to
it was man versus self and I had to figure out a way to save myself from me
figure out a way to save myself from me
figure out a way to save myself from me so I was practicing these self-harm
so I was practicing these self-harm
so I was practicing these self-harm survival techniques in the hope that I
survival techniques in the hope that I
survival techniques in the hope that I could keep my own friends from repeating
could keep my own friends from repeating
could keep my own friends from repeating that same refrain that Nate and I
that same refrain that Nate and I
that same refrain that Nate and I both said all the while I kept perpetual
both said all the while I kept perpetual
both said all the while I kept perpetual motion still haunted still searching in
motion still haunted still searching in
motion still haunted still searching in silently hiking across my nation as well
silently hiking across my nation as well
silently hiking across my nation as well as others to the back country of my own
as others to the back country of my own
as others to the back country of my own curiosity and consciousness writing and
curiosity and consciousness writing and
curiosity and consciousness writing and rewriting in my head the rough draft to
rewriting in my head the rough draft to
rewriting in my head the rough draft to all of my damage a field guide to losing
all of my damage a field guide to losing
all of my damage a field guide to losing my friends I continued on my migratory
my friends I continued on my migratory
my friends I continued on my migratory patterns taking me further and farther
patterns taking me further and farther
patterns taking me further and farther two more of these national parks and
two more of these national parks and
two more of these national parks and went to Glacier Canyonlands Saguaro
went to Glacier Canyonlands Saguaro
went to Glacier Canyonlands Saguaro Death Valley and like a seed to the Sun
Death Valley and like a seed to the Sun
Death Valley and like a seed to the Sun I could feel myself opening up I could
I could feel myself opening up I could
I could feel myself opening up I could tell I was letting others back in again
tell I was letting others back in again
tell I was letting others back in again because what I was learning is that as
because what I was learning is that as
because what I was learning is that as much as I loved these national parks
much as I loved these national parks
much as I loved these national parks what I loved more was inviting others on
what I loved more was inviting others on
what I loved more was inviting others on the journey with me
and so at this point I think I’ve been
and so at this point I think I’ve been to maybe 45 maybe around 50 of the
to maybe 45 maybe around 50 of the
to maybe 45 maybe around 50 of the national parks and I kept going and I
national parks and I kept going and I
national parks and I kept going and I was learning that life moves in seasons
was learning that life moves in seasons
was learning that life moves in seasons and that patterns they’re replete and
and that patterns they’re replete and
and that patterns they’re replete and the soil and the stars and ourselves but
the soil and the stars and ourselves but
the soil and the stars and ourselves but it’s the unknown complexities that make
it’s the unknown complexities that make
it’s the unknown complexities that make this life so simple but the middle of
this life so simple but the middle of
this life so simple but the middle of nowhere is always the beginning of
nowhere is always the beginning of
nowhere is always the beginning of somewhere but most importantly I was
somewhere but most importantly I was
somewhere but most importantly I was learning that humans despite what we’ve
learning that humans despite what we’ve
learning that humans despite what we’ve been shown they’re inherently good I
been shown they’re inherently good I
been shown they’re inherently good I started looking at aspen trees and how
started looking at aspen trees and how
started looking at aspen trees and how they share this communal root system and
they share this communal root system and
they share this communal root system and how they grow together or Joshua trees
how they grow together or Joshua trees
how they grow together or Joshua trees and how they have this unique and
and how they have this unique and
and how they have this unique and bizarre formation but it comes from
bizarre formation but it comes from
bizarre formation but it comes from growth in discs or from shock and
growth in discs or from shock and
growth in discs or from shock and discomfort growth and change or the
discomfort growth and change or the
discomfort growth and change or the redwoods
redwoods
redwoods and how they’re formidable and mighty
and how they’re formidable and mighty
and how they’re formidable and mighty but bring life to the whole forest and
but bring life to the whole forest and
but bring life to the whole forest and that when they fall they become nurse
that when they fall they become nurse
that when they fall they become nurse logs that other trees grow out of
logs that other trees grow out of
logs that other trees grow out of growing out of this lasting legacy now
growing out of this lasting legacy now
growing out of this lasting legacy now given back to the soil I became obsessed
given back to the soil I became obsessed
given back to the soil I became obsessed with wildflowers people don’t hike with
with wildflowers people don’t hike with
with wildflowers people don’t hike with me anymore because it takes too long but
me anymore because it takes too long but
me anymore because it takes too long but I stop and I look at the way that the
I stop and I look at the way that the
I stop and I look at the way that the leaves grow and the sepals and the
leaves grow and the sepals and the
leaves grow and the sepals and the petals in the way that they go to seed
petals in the way that they go to seed
petals in the way that they go to seed and pollinate and mulch and decay
and pollinate and mulch and decay
and pollinate and mulch and decay everything given back to the earth and
everything given back to the earth and
everything given back to the earth and what I was being given was this
what I was being given was this
what I was being given was this alternative to the death narrative
alternative to the death narrative
alternative to the death narrative because what I found in this epoch of
because what I found in this epoch of
because what I found in this epoch of time was that everyone was saying your
time was that everyone was saying your
time was that everyone was saying your friends are in a better place or you
friends are in a better place or you
friends are in a better place or you can’t understand the divine plan at work
can’t understand the divine plan at work
can’t understand the divine plan at work here Western philosophy was saying
here Western philosophy was saying
here Western philosophy was saying what’s the heavens well Eastern
what’s the heavens well Eastern
what’s the heavens well Eastern philosophy was saying turn inward but I
philosophy was saying turn inward but I
philosophy was saying turn inward but I was looking at what was right in front
was looking at what was right in front
was looking at what was right in front of me the natural world and it was
of me the natural world and it was
of me the natural world and it was making sense to me because nature was
making sense to me because nature was
making sense to me because nature was giving me that courage to confront those
giving me that courage to confront those
giving me that courage to confront those darker recesses of our existence it was
darker recesses of our existence it was
darker recesses of our existence it was saying be honest be bold explore your
saying be honest be bold explore your
saying be honest be bold explore your demons it was restoring in me this place
demons it was restoring in me this place
demons it was restoring in me this place of happiness and health that I used to
of happiness and health that I used to
of happiness and health that I used to have before the bombs and the accidents
have before the bombs and the accidents
have before the bombs and the accidents and the rare disease and the death by
and the rare disease and the death by
and the rare disease and the death by one’s own volition
one’s own volition
one’s own volition the national parks they’d worked it
the national parks they’d worked it
the national parks they’d worked it worked and I’ve been to nearly all 59 of
worked and I’ve been to nearly all 59 of
worked and I’ve been to nearly all 59 of them but I knew there was one last piece
them but I knew there was one last piece
them but I knew there was one last piece to this puzzle and needed to go back to
to this puzzle and needed to go back to
to this puzzle and needed to go back to long speak I needed to complete that
long speak I needed to complete that
long speak I needed to complete that hike because I needed to put a capstone
hike because I needed to put a capstone
hike because I needed to put a capstone on that half decade of hurt to give a
on that half decade of hurt to give a
on that half decade of hurt to give a four year curse back to the heavens so
four year curse back to the heavens so
four year curse back to the heavens so as before I woke early I drove to that
as before I woke early I drove to that
as before I woke early I drove to that trailhead and I began hiking but this
trailhead and I began hiking but this
trailhead and I began hiking but this time I didn’t take a wrong turn I didn’t
time I didn’t take a wrong turn I didn’t
time I didn’t take a wrong turn I didn’t almost fall off a cliff and I fulfilled
almost fall off a cliff and I fulfilled
almost fall off a cliff and I fulfilled that metaphor of death as mountain and
that metaphor of death as mountain and
that metaphor of death as mountain and guess what I did it I made it to the top
but as twisted his life can be death
but as twisted his life can be death still had one lesson left in store for
still had one lesson left in store for
still had one lesson left in store for me because on my hike up I found a dead
me because on my hike up I found a dead
me because on my hike up I found a dead body the man that had fallen off long’s
body the man that had fallen off long’s
body the man that had fallen off long’s peak and it was grizzly his blood and
peak and it was grizzly his blood and
peak and it was grizzly his blood and brain strewn across the trail so there I
brain strewn across the trail so there I
brain strewn across the trail so there I was it was wild because death had
was it was wild because death had
was it was wild because death had brought me to this mountain four years
brought me to this mountain four years
brought me to this mountain four years ago and now there I was again
ago and now there I was again
ago and now there I was again confronting death so abject Lea
confronting death so abject Lea
confronting death so abject Lea incarnate but I was ready to confront it
incarnate but I was ready to confront it
incarnate but I was ready to confront it I was ready to have that dialogue and it
I was ready to have that dialogue and it
I was ready to have that dialogue and it was almost as if death was saying you
was almost as if death was saying you
was almost as if death was saying you stupid dumb silly man why do you keep
stupid dumb silly man why do you keep
stupid dumb silly man why do you keep thinking you can defeat me why do you
thinking you can defeat me why do you
thinking you can defeat me why do you think you can overcome me I am a
think you can overcome me I am a
think you can overcome me I am a collaborator on this journey with you
collaborator on this journey with you
collaborator on this journey with you through life I’m a part of this and I
through life I’m a part of this and I
through life I’m a part of this and I always will be and there was a beautiful
always will be and there was a beautiful
always will be and there was a beautiful revelation in that because I was looking
revelation in that because I was looking
revelation in that because I was looking at this raw organic version of reality
at this raw organic version of reality
at this raw organic version of reality that our society now so desperately
that our society now so desperately
that our society now so desperately seeks there was no one there to tell me
seeks there was no one there to tell me
seeks there was no one there to tell me to keep moving or to look away or to
to keep moving or to look away or to
to keep moving or to look away or to cover up the body it was just me and
cover up the body it was just me and
cover up the body it was just me and death and I sat with it but there was
death and I sat with it but there was
death and I sat with it but there was something a little more disconcerting
something a little more disconcerting
something a little more disconcerting about this as well as that looking at
about this as well as that looking at
about this as well as that looking at the circumstances in where this man had
the circumstances in where this man had
the circumstances in where this man had fallen I knew something was off and
fallen I knew something was off and
fallen I knew something was off and instantaneously I knew what it was I
instantaneously I knew what it was I
instantaneously I knew what it was I knew that it was a suicide
knew that it was a suicide
knew that it was a suicide and so for the next few weeks I just
and so for the next few weeks I just
and so for the next few weeks I just kept checking the internet because I
kept checking the internet because I
kept checking the internet because I needed to know and it proved true just
needed to know and it proved true just
needed to know and it proved true just an 18 year old kid from Kansas and I
an 18 year old kid from Kansas and I
an 18 year old kid from Kansas and I needed well when I think about this kid
needed well when I think about this kid
needed well when I think about this kid I weep for him because I knew what
I weep for him because I knew what
I weep for him because I knew what brought him sad mountain and I saw it
brought him sad mountain and I saw it
brought him sad mountain and I saw it and I just knew that could have been me
and I just knew that could have been me
and I just knew that could have been me but there was a cliff dividing us and
but there was a cliff dividing us and
but there was a cliff dividing us and there was a choice and weep for him
there was a choice and weep for him
there was a choice and weep for him because I needed him in order to forgive
because I needed him in order to forgive
because I needed him in order to forgive myself and forgive my depression to move
myself and forgive my depression to move
myself and forgive my depression to move on and move forward and to let go
on and move forward and to let go
on and move forward and to let go because I’d found my piece and I’d made
because I’d found my piece and I’d made
because I’d found my piece and I’d made it to that summit but I just wished that
it to that summit but I just wished that
it to that summit but I just wished that somewhere along the way I could have
somewhere along the way I could have
somewhere along the way I could have told him what I’m trying to tell all of
told him what I’m trying to tell all of
told him what I’m trying to tell all of you and that is we are not alone in our
you and that is we are not alone in our
you and that is we are not alone in our afflictions that suffering is universal
afflictions that suffering is universal
afflictions that suffering is universal but the core subatomic particle of this
but the core subatomic particle of this
but the core subatomic particle of this planet is the word goodbye and that
planet is the word goodbye and that
planet is the word goodbye and that goodbyes never come easy and all that
goodbyes never come easy and all that
goodbyes never come easy and all that hurt we hide inside all those stories we
hurt we hide inside all those stories we
hurt we hide inside all those stories we don’t want to tell these are the love
don’t want to tell these are the love
don’t want to tell these are the love letters we need to start sending out to
letters we need to start sending out to
letters we need to start sending out to each other from one ailing heart to the
each other from one ailing heart to the
each other from one ailing heart to the next so please let me be the first to
next so please let me be the first to
next so please let me be the first to say I see you I hear you
say I see you I hear you
say I see you I hear you I recognize your weariness and I love
I recognize your weariness and I love
I recognize your weariness and I love you
you
you I told you this was a love story but
I told you this was a love story but
I told you this was a love story but what I wish I really could have told
what I wish I really could have told
what I wish I really could have told that kid is what it took me so long to
that kid is what it took me so long to
that kid is what it took me so long to learn and what nature fought so hard to
learn and what nature fought so hard to
learn and what nature fought so hard to teach me and it’s that if you treat
teach me and it’s that if you treat
teach me and it’s that if you treat death as something unnatural as a sin as
death as something unnatural as a sin as
death as something unnatural as a sin as a failure and evitable you will start
a failure and evitable you will start
a failure and evitable you will start treating life as unnatural a sin a
treating life as unnatural a sin a
treating life as unnatural a sin a failure but death is natural and it’s
failure but death is natural and it’s
failure but death is natural and it’s okay to die but the real beauty of those
okay to die but the real beauty of those
okay to die but the real beauty of those four words is that if you start to truly
four words is that if you start to truly
four words is that if you start to truly truly believe them you one evitable you
truly believe them you one evitable you
truly believe them you one evitable you start to believe something else but it’s
start to believe something else but it’s
start to believe something else but it’s okay to live and that’s what I would
okay to live and that’s what I would
okay to live and that’s what I would have told this guy but it’s okay to live
”
Be First to Comment