hi everyone my name is Athena and I’m a former foster youth today I am here to
former foster youth today I am here to
former foster youth today I am here to talk about foster care success what it
talk about foster care success what it
talk about foster care success what it means to be a success story what that
means to be a success story what that
means to be a success story what that really looks like my journey is one of
really looks like my journey is one of
really looks like my journey is one of loss of a dysfunctional family of trauma
loss of a dysfunctional family of trauma
loss of a dysfunctional family of trauma and pain all of which I experienced in a
and pain all of which I experienced in a
and pain all of which I experienced in a constant state of survival and
constant state of survival and
constant state of survival and instability my story begins with the
instability my story begins with the
instability my story begins with the loss of my mother I was seven years old
loss of my mother I was seven years old
loss of my mother I was seven years old when she died during childbirth
when she died during childbirth
when she died during childbirth when we lost her we lost a lot of other
when we lost her we lost a lot of other
when we lost her we lost a lot of other things a lot of very important things
things a lot of very important things
things a lot of very important things like our culture our religion our
like our culture our religion our
like our culture our religion our history she was the anchor to our family
history she was the anchor to our family
history she was the anchor to our family she was our core but when we lost her we
she was our core but when we lost her we
she was our core but when we lost her we also lost our father to his depression
also lost our father to his depression
also lost our father to his depression he became so consumed and mourning that
he became so consumed and mourning that
he became so consumed and mourning that he turned to drug dealing and coke
he turned to drug dealing and coke
he turned to drug dealing and coke through alcoholism and addiction in his
through alcoholism and addiction in his
through alcoholism and addiction in his struggle he neglected us completely
struggle he neglected us completely
struggle he neglected us completely we were forgotten
he was so consumed so angry with the
he was so consumed so angry with the world like the world owed him something
world like the world owed him something
world like the world owed him something that I think he took it out on us and
that I think he took it out on us and
that I think he took it out on us and emotionally we were abandoned and
emotionally we were abandoned and
emotionally we were abandoned and physically we became a nuisance and
physically we became a nuisance and
physically we became a nuisance and obstacle between him and his addiction
obstacle between him and his addiction
obstacle between him and his addiction we were an inconvenience to his struggle
we were an inconvenience to his struggle
we were an inconvenience to his struggle we we became collateral damage
we we became collateral damage
we we became collateral damage essentially and this exposed us to a
essentially and this exposed us to a
essentially and this exposed us to a world of trauma a world of hurt a world
world of trauma a world of hurt a world
world of trauma a world of hurt a world of pain and hunger because he was always
of pain and hunger because he was always
of pain and hunger because he was always high and gone
high and gone
high and gone when I was nine years old I was raped
when I was nine years old I was raped
when I was nine years old I was raped my rapists were two neighbors they were
my rapists were two neighbors they were
my rapists were two neighbors they were brothers they were 17 18 years old at
brothers they were 17 18 years old at
brothers they were 17 18 years old at the time and they took care of my little
the time and they took care of my little
the time and they took care of my little brother and my dad trusted them
brother and my dad trusted them
brother and my dad trusted them he was so neglectful that it happened
he was so neglectful that it happened
he was so neglectful that it happened all under his nose
this wasn’t a one-time incident this was
this wasn’t a one-time incident this was a rape relationship of sorts because
a rape relationship of sorts because
a rape relationship of sorts because they were very present in our lives in
they were very present in our lives in
they were very present in our lives in many ways I blame my father
many ways I blame my father
many ways I blame my father there’s no way not to there are many
there’s no way not to there are many
there’s no way not to there are many back to back traumas in our childhood we
back to back traumas in our childhood we
back to back traumas in our childhood we essentially raised ourselves we didn’t
essentially raised ourselves we didn’t
essentially raised ourselves we didn’t know to stop and breathe and heal and
know to stop and breathe and heal and
know to stop and breathe and heal and digest so we swallowed the pain of
digest so we swallowed the pain of
digest so we swallowed the pain of trauma and kept going but after that
trauma and kept going but after that
trauma and kept going but after that first incident things really changed for
first incident things really changed for
first incident things really changed for me it was no longer this sloppy life
me it was no longer this sloppy life
me it was no longer this sloppy life we were living through this morning it
we were living through this morning it
we were living through this morning it was this life of threat we were unsafe
was this life of threat we were unsafe
was this life of threat we were unsafe and alone
I tried to run away I realized I
I tried to run away I realized I wouldn’t get that far I realized I
wouldn’t get that far I realized I
wouldn’t get that far I realized I couldn’t leave without my brother and my
couldn’t leave without my brother and my
couldn’t leave without my brother and my sister I realized where would I go
sister I realized where would I go
sister I realized where would I go before I had to turn back I had grown
before I had to turn back I had grown
before I had to turn back I had grown tired of this life of struggling of
tired of this life of struggling of
tired of this life of struggling of being hungry of men eyeing me like I was
being hungry of men eyeing me like I was
being hungry of men eyeing me like I was dinner of parenting my own father and
dinner of parenting my own father and
dinner of parenting my own father and babysitting him when he was too high I
babysitting him when he was too high I
babysitting him when he was too high I dropped out of school to raise my
dropped out of school to raise my
dropped out of school to raise my siblings because I obviously became a
siblings because I obviously became a
siblings because I obviously became a mother to them I’m the oldest and in
mother to them I’m the oldest and in
mother to them I’m the oldest and in raising them I actually ended up just
raising them I actually ended up just
raising them I actually ended up just begging for food and doing errands for
begging for food and doing errands for
begging for food and doing errands for neighbors in exchange for tips that I’d
neighbors in exchange for tips that I’d
neighbors in exchange for tips that I’d put toothpaste and toilet paper my
put toothpaste and toilet paper my
put toothpaste and toilet paper my father was really good at covering his
father was really good at covering his
father was really good at covering his tracks
tracks
tracks he knew there was people putting abuse
he knew there was people putting abuse
he knew there was people putting abuse reports like neighbors and relatives so
reports like neighbors and relatives so
reports like neighbors and relatives so we would move so often so we were very
we would move so often so we were very
we would move so often so we were very physically unstable and I was very
physically unstable and I was very
physically unstable and I was very emotionally unstable it took a lot to
emotionally unstable it took a lot to
emotionally unstable it took a lot to get into the system I had finally hit
get into the system I had finally hit
get into the system I had finally hit this point where I was like we’re gonna
this point where I was like we’re gonna
this point where I was like we’re gonna die we’re gonna end up sold we’re gonna
die we’re gonna end up sold we’re gonna
die we’re gonna end up sold we’re gonna end up married off so I strategized away
end up married off so I strategized away
end up married off so I strategized away into the system by photographing our
into the system by photographing our
into the system by photographing our daily lives
daily lives
daily lives the cocaine lines the drug habits
the cocaine lines the drug habits
the cocaine lines the drug habits collecting receipts making abuse reports
collecting receipts making abuse reports
collecting receipts making abuse reports making phone calls
making phone calls
making phone calls I took 15 or so abuse reports a chin of
I took 15 or so abuse reports a chin of
I took 15 or so abuse reports a chin of taken 15 it should have taken one or two
taken 15 it should have taken one or two
taken 15 it should have taken one or two there must be a lack of disorganization
there must be a lack of disorganization
there must be a lack of disorganization or technology that did not allow them to
or technology that did not allow them to
or technology that did not allow them to see a seven-year pattern that neighbors
see a seven-year pattern that neighbors
see a seven-year pattern that neighbors and relatives and myself had been
and relatives and myself had been
and relatives and myself had been putting in I entered the system riddled
putting in I entered the system riddled
putting in I entered the system riddled with PTSD with anxiety with depression
with PTSD with anxiety with depression
with PTSD with anxiety with depression desensitized to touch
I had been wearing this mask of
I had been wearing this mask of dissociation for so long you see in
dissociation for so long you see in
dissociation for so long you see in order to cope with the life that I had
order to cope with the life that I had
order to cope with the life that I had before my father before care with my
before my father before care with my
before my father before care with my father I had to dissociate completely
father I had to dissociate completely
father I had to dissociate completely and was very technical and strategic
and was very technical and strategic
and was very technical and strategic about everything because I was in
about everything because I was in
about everything because I was in survival mode and when I entered care
survival mode and when I entered care
survival mode and when I entered care and my basic needs were made met and I
and my basic needs were made met and I
and my basic needs were made met and I was no longer hungry I I was able to
was no longer hungry I I was able to
was no longer hungry I I was able to focus on things like being a kid and
focus on things like being a kid and
focus on things like being a kid and then suddenly all the stress of
then suddenly all the stress of
then suddenly all the stress of everything that had ever been through
everything that had ever been through
everything that had ever been through was weighing on my shoulders and I could
was weighing on my shoulders and I could
was weighing on my shoulders and I could finally feel it and I became this
finally feel it and I became this
finally feel it and I became this emotional wreck I didn’t know there was
emotional wreck I didn’t know there was
emotional wreck I didn’t know there was that much on my plate I was in a total
that much on my plate I was in a total
that much on my plate I was in a total of eight foster homes over the course of
of eight foster homes over the course of
of eight foster homes over the course of six years that is more than one a year
six years that is more than one a year
six years that is more than one a year that is a lot of instability I was
that is a lot of instability I was
that is a lot of instability I was accustomed to instability but nobody
accustomed to instability but nobody
accustomed to instability but nobody really tells you about the mental abuse
really tells you about the mental abuse
really tells you about the mental abuse that the foster care system will put you
that the foster care system will put you
that the foster care system will put you through how they bring you in with this
through how they bring you in with this
through how they bring you in with this premise of we know better and we will
premise of we know better and we will
premise of we know better and we will take care of you and how you become more
take care of you and how you become more
take care of you and how you become more unstable than you probably were before
unstable than you probably were before
unstable than you probably were before how you become a liability and you’re
how you become a liability and you’re
how you become a liability and you’re bound by all these regulations for your
bound by all these regulations for your
bound by all these regulations for your well-being and your safety how you
well-being and your safety how you
well-being and your safety how you really are treated like you are
really are treated like you are
really are treated like you are disposable you really are given a trash
disposable you really are given a trash
disposable you really are given a trash bag that’s not just a story they tell
bag that’s not just a story they tell
bag that’s not just a story they tell you are made to feel like you are
you are made to feel like you are
you are made to feel like you are temporary and to not get too comfortable
temporary and to not get too comfortable
temporary and to not get too comfortable because you are not family I hated the
because you are not family I hated the
because you are not family I hated the system but it was so much better than
system but it was so much better than
system but it was so much better than what I had before my trauma was always
what I had before my trauma was always
what I had before my trauma was always present jingle of keys a slammed door
present jingle of keys a slammed door
present jingle of keys a slammed door unexpected pot in the back and
unexpected pot in the back and
unexpected pot in the back and unfamiliar voice they would set me off
unfamiliar voice they would set me off
unfamiliar voice they would set me off I was heightened ready to run ready to
I was heightened ready to run ready to
I was heightened ready to run ready to protect myself however I could
it didn’t get any better when my foster
it didn’t get any better when my foster mother found my rape diary and this is
mother found my rape diary and this is
mother found my rape diary and this is exactly what it sounds like a diary
exactly what it sounds like a diary
exactly what it sounds like a diary where I kept details of all the rapes
where I kept details of all the rapes
where I kept details of all the rapes that I have experienced all the assaults
that I have experienced all the assaults
that I have experienced all the assaults my midnight molesters I was picked up by
my midnight molesters I was picked up by
my midnight molesters I was picked up by two officers at school who made me
two officers at school who made me
two officers at school who made me reread the entire diary and made me
reread the entire diary and made me
reread the entire diary and made me retell everything an isolated incidences
retell everything an isolated incidences
retell everything an isolated incidences and ask the goriest of questions and
and ask the goriest of questions and
and ask the goriest of questions and then I was just left there to kind of
then I was just left there to kind of
then I was just left there to kind of deal with it it opened up a three-year
deal with it it opened up a three-year
deal with it it opened up a three-year case it’s interesting how in an attempt
case it’s interesting how in an attempt
case it’s interesting how in an attempt to help you the system actually further
to help you the system actually further
to help you the system actually further dramatizes you
foster care was a struggle to juggle my
foster care was a struggle to juggle my mental health to make executive
mental health to make executive
mental health to make executive decisions over our case to reenter
decisions over our case to reenter
decisions over our case to reenter society cuz I had dropped out of school
society cuz I had dropped out of school
society cuz I had dropped out of school that long to catch up academically it
that long to catch up academically it
that long to catch up academically it was a struggle to feel whole to feel
was a struggle to feel whole to feel
was a struggle to feel whole to feel normal a struggle to adapt to cope to
normal a struggle to adapt to cope to
normal a struggle to adapt to cope to forget mental health was never really
forget mental health was never really
forget mental health was never really addressed it was this vague loose
addressed it was this vague loose
addressed it was this vague loose conversation to mark off on a box this
conversation to mark off on a box this
conversation to mark off on a box this lack of regard for your mental core
lack of regard for your mental core
lack of regard for your mental core emotional well-being is what I think
emotional well-being is what I think
emotional well-being is what I think makes or breaks a lot of foster youth
makes or breaks a lot of foster youth
makes or breaks a lot of foster youth because foster care is so unstable and
because foster care is so unstable and
because foster care is so unstable and foster care really does perpetuate all
foster care really does perpetuate all
foster care really does perpetuate all the troubles you came in with and then
the troubles you came in with and then
the troubles you came in with and then gives you more while you’re in there the
gives you more while you’re in there the
gives you more while you’re in there the this disregard this instability doesn’t
this disregard this instability doesn’t
this disregard this instability doesn’t allow you to build a core foundation the
allow you to build a core foundation the
allow you to build a core foundation the same foundation that later influences
same foundation that later influences
same foundation that later influences your sense of direction your sense of
your sense of direction your sense of
your sense of direction your sense of self that influences how you succeed as
self that influences how you succeed as
self that influences how you succeed as a foster youth I had graduate from high
a foster youth I had graduate from high
a foster youth I had graduate from high school I was 17 and I had reached this
school I was 17 and I had reached this
school I was 17 and I had reached this boiling point in my PTSD and in my
boiling point in my PTSD and in my
boiling point in my PTSD and in my trauma and someone tried to give me a
trauma and someone tried to give me a
trauma and someone tried to give me a hug and it was this intense fear to be
hug and it was this intense fear to be
hug and it was this intense fear to be that vulnerable that close that
that vulnerable that close that
that vulnerable that close that comfortable with someone and I would
comfortable with someone and I would
comfortable with someone and I would fall apart into a puddle of tears and I
fall apart into a puddle of tears and I
fall apart into a puddle of tears and I was inaudible and I would forget to eat
was inaudible and I would forget to eat
was inaudible and I would forget to eat I’d wake up every night feeling like I
I’d wake up every night feeling like I
I’d wake up every night feeling like I was gonna be murdered my
was gonna be murdered my
was gonna be murdered my TSD was horrific and I realized I needed
TSD was horrific and I realized I needed
TSD was horrific and I realized I needed to heal I needed to get this crap out of
to heal I needed to get this crap out of
to heal I needed to get this crap out of the way or I would not be able to move
the way or I would not be able to move
the way or I would not be able to move forward so I turned to therapy
forward so I turned to therapy
forward so I turned to therapy I found a therapist that was willing to
I found a therapist that was willing to
I found a therapist that was willing to work with me through therapy I learned
work with me through therapy I learned
work with me through therapy I learned how to cope with my anxiety how to
how to cope with my anxiety how to
how to cope with my anxiety how to handle my stress how to deconstruct my
handle my stress how to deconstruct my
handle my stress how to deconstruct my demons and trauma is how to understand
demons and trauma is how to understand
demons and trauma is how to understand my own pain I haven’t learned how to say
my own pain I haven’t learned how to say
my own pain I haven’t learned how to say I love you and I went and told my
I love you and I went and told my
I love you and I went and told my siblings the next day so when I look
siblings the next day so when I look
siblings the next day so when I look back to my past and that many times I’ve
back to my past and that many times I’ve
back to my past and that many times I’ve had to transform Who I am just to
had to transform Who I am just to
had to transform Who I am just to survive just to heal all I’ve had to
survive just to heal all I’ve had to
survive just to heal all I’ve had to give up parts of me along the way I
give up parts of me along the way I
give up parts of me along the way I realized success comes at a very high
realized success comes at a very high
realized success comes at a very high cost and it is completely relative today
cost and it is completely relative today
cost and it is completely relative today I still live with PTSD I still have my
I still live with PTSD I still have my
I still live with PTSD I still have my daily triggers I still hurt even though
daily triggers I still hurt even though
daily triggers I still hurt even though I’ve done a lot of healing or I would
I’ve done a lot of healing or I would
I’ve done a lot of healing or I would not be able to be here today
sorry it is exhausting to be alert all
sorry it is exhausting to be alert all the time and it’s interesting because I
know many former foster youth who are
know many former foster youth who are success stories who look great on paper
success stories who look great on paper
success stories who look great on paper who holds amazing jobs and made it and
who holds amazing jobs and made it and
who holds amazing jobs and made it and they can’t get up in the morning and
they can’t get up in the morning and
they can’t get up in the morning and they leave the secret life constantly
they leave the secret life constantly
they leave the secret life constantly wondering when will I feel whole and
wondering when will I feel whole and
wondering when will I feel whole and stable and normal and happy and there’s
stable and normal and happy and there’s
stable and normal and happy and there’s this internal battle of Who am I after
this internal battle of Who am I after
this internal battle of Who am I after all of this what is my culture what is
all of this what is my culture what is
all of this what is my culture what is my religion what do I believe can I
my religion what do I believe can I
my religion what do I believe can I actually heal can I actually move on it
actually heal can I actually move on it
actually heal can I actually move on it is difficult to be here today in both
is difficult to be here today in both
is difficult to be here today in both success when success is far from it
success when success is far from it
success when success is far from it because I may not be homeless and
because I may not be homeless and
because I may not be homeless and according to the system if you’re not
according to the system if you’re not
according to the system if you’re not homeless you’re successful but how do
homeless you’re successful but how do
homeless you’re successful but how do you move forward from all of this how do
you move forward from all of this how do
you move forward from all of this how do you pretend that your whole life didn’t
you pretend that your whole life didn’t
you pretend that your whole life didn’t just happen to you in the face of all of
just happen to you in the face of all of
just happen to you in the face of all of this success can be very relative very
this success can be very relative very
this success can be very relative very simple it can be independence or home or
simple it can be independence or home or
simple it can be independence or home or stability it can be health sanity a
stability it can be health sanity a
stability it can be health sanity a family for me success began with healing
family for me success began with healing
family for me success began with healing it was choosing to build a life in the
it was choosing to build a life in the
it was choosing to build a life in the face of a past that screamed I’d never
face of a past that screamed I’d never
face of a past that screamed I’d never make it to 18 it was transferring to Cal
make it to 18 it was transferring to Cal
make it to 18 it was transferring to Cal Poly and having my siblings in my life
Poly and having my siblings in my life
Poly and having my siblings in my life and not having them ripped away from me
and not having them ripped away from me
and not having them ripped away from me I didn’t survive foster care I survived
I didn’t survive foster care I survived
I didn’t survive foster care I survived in my past today for me isn’t about this
in my past today for me isn’t about this
in my past today for me isn’t about this one concrete solution on success or how
one concrete solution on success or how
one concrete solution on success or how to survive the system because there
to survive the system because there
to survive the system because there isn’t one it’s about putting into
isn’t one it’s about putting into
isn’t one it’s about putting into question how we justify success for
question how we justify success for
question how we justify success for former foster youth because many former
former foster youth because many former
former foster youth because many former foster youth walk out of the system
foster youth walk out of the system
foster youth walk out of the system without that core and then they’re
without that core and then they’re
without that core and then they’re expected to
expected to
expected to succeed and be self-sufficient I know 50
succeed and be self-sufficient I know 50
succeed and be self-sufficient I know 50 year-old that to this day still identify
year-old that to this day still identify
year-old that to this day still identify as foster youth because the trauma of
as foster youth because the trauma of
as foster youth because the trauma of foster care is that bad why haven’t we
foster care is that bad why haven’t we
foster care is that bad why haven’t we done better because this core isn’t
done better because this core isn’t
done better because this core isn’t quantifiable in numbers I think success
quantifiable in numbers I think success
quantifiable in numbers I think success is taking the hand you’ve been dealt and
is taking the hand you’ve been dealt and
is taking the hand you’ve been dealt and choosing to move forward anyway it is
choosing to move forward anyway it is
choosing to move forward anyway it is this pursuit of happiness it is doing
this pursuit of happiness it is doing
this pursuit of happiness it is doing whatever it is that makes you happy
whatever it is that makes you happy
whatever it is that makes you happy thank you
thank you
thank you [Applause]
”
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