and so let me share a story of my own so I left with my family and moved from a
I left with my family and moved from a
I left with my family and moved from a communistic state when I was about 10
communistic state when I was about 10
communistic state when I was about 10 for New York ice we set off with two
for New York ice we set off with two
for New York ice we set off with two suitcases no language capacity at all
suitcases no language capacity at all
suitcases no language capacity at all and no place to go to either so we you
and no place to go to either so we you
and no place to go to either so we you know embarked on a plane and sort of
know embarked on a plane and sort of
know embarked on a plane and sort of landed and within this experience it was
landed and within this experience it was
landed and within this experience it was not only frightening but also rather
not only frightening but also rather
not only frightening but also rather bizarre for the age I was but then in
bizarre for the age I was but then in
bizarre for the age I was but then in the middle of it I got I think one of my
the middle of it I got I think one of my
the middle of it I got I think one of my first most beautiful gifts that has
first most beautiful gifts that has
first most beautiful gifts that has shaped my life I got the gift of
shaped my life I got the gift of
shaped my life I got the gift of kindness and care and connection so on
kindness and care and connection so on
kindness and care and connection so on the street in Brooklyn there is a pub
the street in Brooklyn there is a pub
the street in Brooklyn there is a pub and that pub was run by an Irishman and
and that pub was run by an Irishman and
and that pub was run by an Irishman and his wife and those people took us in
his wife and those people took us in
his wife and those people took us in they took us in and at the back of the
they took us in and at the back of the
they took us in and at the back of the pub there was a room in which they would
pub there was a room in which they would
pub there was a room in which they would house their Thanksgiving one say yeah is
house their Thanksgiving one say yeah is
house their Thanksgiving one say yeah is why I love Thanksgiving but we got to
why I love Thanksgiving but we got to
why I love Thanksgiving but we got to sleep there on the floor while my father
sleep there on the floor while my father
sleep there on the floor while my father went to try to find a job and try to
went to try to find a job and try to
went to try to find a job and try to find a flat for us in the period of
find a flat for us in the period of
find a flat for us in the period of those two weeks maybe three weeks John
those two weeks maybe three weeks John
those two weeks maybe three weeks John every day this elderly Irishman made me
every day this elderly Irishman made me
every day this elderly Irishman made me a lovely breakfast he made me a fried
a lovely breakfast he made me a fried
a lovely breakfast he made me a fried egg good very crispy bacon a piece of
egg good very crispy bacon a piece of
egg good very crispy bacon a piece of hot dog that only some people can make
hot dog that only some people can make
hot dog that only some people can make when he sliced the hotdog and put it on
when he sliced the hotdog and put it on
when he sliced the hotdog and put it on the grill and a piece of orange you know
the grill and a piece of orange you know
the grill and a piece of orange you know a glass of orange juice and every day I
a glass of orange juice and every day I
a glass of orange juice and every day I would have this at a table at the back
would have this at a table at the back
would have this at a table at the back where we slept with his wife who was in
where we slept with his wife who was in
where we slept with his wife who was in a very odd sort of severe stages of
a very odd sort of severe stages of
a very odd sort of severe stages of kidney disease so she had her legs
kidney disease so she had her legs
kidney disease so she had her legs amputated and she was sitting across
amputated and she was sitting across
amputated and she was sitting across from me and to be honest I don’t
from me and to be honest I don’t
from me and to be honest I don’t remember her name
remember her name
remember her name we start why don’t I and because I was
we start why don’t I and because I was
we start why don’t I and because I was scared shitless of her amputated legs
scared shitless of her amputated legs
scared shitless of her amputated legs but I would sit there every day in this
but I would sit there every day in this
but I would sit there every day in this cup hole in this period where I’m sure
cup hole in this period where I’m sure
cup hole in this period where I’m sure they probably saw a frightened child you
they probably saw a frightened child you
they probably saw a frightened child you know no parents they were out there
know no parents they were out there
know no parents they were out there trying to figure out what we were going
trying to figure out what we were going
trying to figure out what we were going to do they gave me a sense of safety and
to do they gave me a sense of safety and
to do they gave me a sense of safety and that is something really beautiful they
that is something really beautiful they
that is something really beautiful they gave me a true sense of safety not maybe
gave me a true sense of safety not maybe
gave me a true sense of safety not maybe through what they did but how they were
through what they did but how they were
through what they did but how they were with me so they were really kind they
with me so they were really kind they
with me so they were really kind they didn’t probe me with questions all the
didn’t probe me with questions all the
didn’t probe me with questions all the time now how you’re feeling or try to
time now how you’re feeling or try to
time now how you’re feeling or try to make hand gestures because I couldn’t
make hand gestures because I couldn’t
make hand gestures because I couldn’t really quite understand them they didn’t
really quite understand them they didn’t
really quite understand them they didn’t try to fill every moment of space you
try to fill every moment of space you
try to fill every moment of space you know or pause with with something maybe
know or pause with with something maybe
know or pause with with something maybe would you like an orange juice or you
would you like an orange juice or you
would you like an orange juice or you know a ginger ale or something they just
know a ginger ale or something they just
know a ginger ale or something they just allowed me to be but somehow under their
allowed me to be but somehow under their
allowed me to be but somehow under their presence
presence
presence I did feel safe or safe enough not to
I did feel safe or safe enough not to
I did feel safe or safe enough not to have a major freakout which you could
have a major freakout which you could
have a major freakout which you could imagine probably I could do and so this
imagine probably I could do and so this
imagine probably I could do and so this is very interesting because you see in
is very interesting because you see in
is very interesting because you see in psychology when we look at early
psychology when we look at early
psychology when we look at early attachment Theory when we look at how
attachment Theory when we look at how
attachment Theory when we look at how kids come out to grow up okay when as a
kids come out to grow up okay when as a
kids come out to grow up okay when as a neuroscientist I look at how a brain is
neuroscientist I look at how a brain is
neuroscientist I look at how a brain is wired to be okay we learned that safety
wired to be okay we learned that safety
wired to be okay we learned that safety is very important in fact it’s so
is very important in fact it’s so
is very important in fact it’s so important that kids that do not get the
important that kids that do not get the
important that kids that do not get the right level of attachment as children
right level of attachment as children
right level of attachment as children have lower IQs they are less able to
have lower IQs they are less able to
have lower IQs they are less able to control emotions and many of them will
control emotions and many of them will
control emotions and many of them will lack the skills of atonement to how we
lack the skills of atonement to how we
lack the skills of atonement to how we normally are okay and this of course
normally are okay and this of course
normally are okay and this of course will potentially damage the sorts of
will potentially damage the sorts of
will potentially damage the sorts of relationships they can have for the rest
relationships they can have for the rest
relationships they can have for the rest of their lives
of their lives
of their lives and also for the way they can be at work
and also for the way they can be at work
and also for the way they can be at work now of course we can do some work on
now of course we can do some work on
now of course we can do some work on this and therapy but it is where the
this and therapy but it is where the
this and therapy but it is where the importance of safety really really
importance of safety really really
importance of safety really really matters for the way our brains actually
matters for the way our brains actually
matters for the way our brains actually form and how well they fund
form and how well they fund
form and how well they fund and so there is a need for safety in
and so there is a need for safety in
and so there is a need for safety in care and also we know that in
care and also we know that in
care and also we know that in neuroscience when we are frightened and
neuroscience when we are frightened and
neuroscience when we are frightened and when we are scared there’s a part of our
when we are scared there’s a part of our
when we are scared there’s a part of our brain that sort of takes over and
brain that sort of takes over and
brain that sort of takes over and hijacks us and it hijacks us into one of
hijacks us and it hijacks us into one of
hijacks us and it hijacks us into one of three core sort of responses you’ll see
three core sort of responses you’ll see
three core sort of responses you’ll see it in an animal kingdom we won fries
it in an animal kingdom we won fries
it in an animal kingdom we won fries maybe I don’t you know I don’t exist I’m
maybe I don’t you know I don’t exist I’m
maybe I don’t you know I don’t exist I’m not there we flee if we can we try to
not there we flee if we can we try to
not there we flee if we can we try to get away or in the worst case in a
get away or in the worst case in a
get away or in the worst case in a scenario we fight now of course none of
scenario we fight now of course none of
scenario we fight now of course none of these responses are particularly
these responses are particularly
these responses are particularly equipping us with a sense of confidence
equipping us with a sense of confidence
equipping us with a sense of confidence and resilience and none of them as well
and resilience and none of them as well
and resilience and none of them as well make us happy have you ever been happy
make us happy have you ever been happy
make us happy have you ever been happy when you were trying to fight or when
when you were trying to fight or when
when you were trying to fight or when you were running away and when you were
you were running away and when you were
you were running away and when you were scared I doubt it so while fear has its
scared I doubt it so while fear has its
scared I doubt it so while fear has its place for sure evolutionarily we
place for sure evolutionarily we
place for sure evolutionarily we actually don’t really want to be
actually don’t really want to be
actually don’t really want to be hijacked by it because the one thing
hijacked by it because the one thing
hijacked by it because the one thing that fear does which is sort of so
that fear does which is sort of so
that fear does which is sort of so interesting is that it blocks our access
interesting is that it blocks our access
interesting is that it blocks our access to all the higher areas of the brain
to all the higher areas of the brain
to all the higher areas of the brain that give us awareness that give us our
that give us awareness that give us our
that give us awareness that give us our ability to choose the give us our
ability to choose the give us our
ability to choose the give us our ability to pause and actually do
ability to pause and actually do
ability to pause and actually do something better right so not too good
something better right so not too good
something better right so not too good and I guess the antidote to that sort of
and I guess the antidote to that sort of
and I guess the antidote to that sort of fear lead response in my world is safety
fear lead response in my world is safety
fear lead response in my world is safety and a safety that comes from genuine
and a safety that comes from genuine
and a safety that comes from genuine connection and care is actually a safety
connection and care is actually a safety
connection and care is actually a safety that is somatic you know when little
that is somatic you know when little
that is somatic you know when little babies get that they don’t get it’s true
babies get that they don’t get it’s true
babies get that they don’t get it’s true necessarily words but they don’t even
necessarily words but they don’t even
necessarily words but they don’t even have the capacity yet to understand
have the capacity yet to understand
have the capacity yet to understand language but they have a capacity to
language but they have a capacity to
language but they have a capacity to absorb something that is in the ether of
absorb something that is in the ether of
absorb something that is in the ether of space something that we’ve been kind of
space something that we’ve been kind of
space something that we’ve been kind of experiencing all along today so that is
experiencing all along today so that is
experiencing all along today so that is really interesting because you see like
really interesting because you see like
really interesting because you see like you I observe the world and like you I
you I observe the world and like you I
you I observe the world and like you I look at who’s elected
look at who’s elected
look at who’s elected and I believe that the world is actually
and I believe that the world is actually
and I believe that the world is actually rigged for more and more fear fear of
rigged for more and more fear fear of
rigged for more and more fear fear of all sorts people are afraid of being
all sorts people are afraid of being
all sorts people are afraid of being that love people are afraid of being not
that love people are afraid of being not
that love people are afraid of being not good enough people are afraid of just
good enough people are afraid of just
good enough people are afraid of just doing anything wrong and even for some
doing anything wrong and even for some
doing anything wrong and even for some people the very way of their life feels
people the very way of their life feels
people the very way of their life feels like it’s being threatened which of
like it’s being threatened which of
like it’s being threatened which of course is going to make them be ever
course is going to make them be ever
course is going to make them be ever more fearful ever more aggressive and
more fearful ever more aggressive and
more fearful ever more aggressive and that is not a good kind of world so I
that is not a good kind of world so I
that is not a good kind of world so I think what the word really needs is for
think what the word really needs is for
think what the word really needs is for all of us to learn how to practice the
all of us to learn how to practice the
all of us to learn how to practice the skills of care and connection that give
skills of care and connection that give
skills of care and connection that give us the sort of opposite of that fear so
us the sort of opposite of that fear so
us the sort of opposite of that fear so if the fear driven brain does its own
if the fear driven brain does its own
if the fear driven brain does its own protective things that’s fine it’s got
protective things that’s fine it’s got
protective things that’s fine it’s got its place but let’s also do the opposite
its place but let’s also do the opposite
its place but let’s also do the opposite so today I brought you a piece of
so today I brought you a piece of
so today I brought you a piece of exercise that I’m very excited to share
exercise that I’m very excited to share
exercise that I’m very excited to share with you to practice love care and
with you to practice love care and
with you to practice love care and connection how does that sound it’s a
connection how does that sound it’s a
connection how does that sound it’s a very easy exercise to do so that’s
very easy exercise to do so that’s
very easy exercise to do so that’s really good because it’ll be easy to
really good because it’ll be easy to
really good because it’ll be easy to remember and I can guarantee you that it
remember and I can guarantee you that it
remember and I can guarantee you that it will definitely transform your life it
will definitely transform your life it
will definitely transform your life it will change the way you connect with
will change the way you connect with
will change the way you connect with your kids it will change the way you
your kids it will change the way you
your kids it will change the way you cake with your boyfriend or girlfriend
cake with your boyfriend or girlfriend
cake with your boyfriend or girlfriend and even your freaky weird boss and and
and even your freaky weird boss and and
and even your freaky weird boss and and and your neighbour – let’s not forget
and your neighbour – let’s not forget
and your neighbour – let’s not forget the neighbors because they’re really
the neighbors because they’re really
the neighbors because they’re really really important right so this exercise
really important right so this exercise
really important right so this exercise is called kind eyes I’m going to invite
is called kind eyes I’m going to invite
is called kind eyes I’m going to invite you to close your eyes so I can take you
you to close your eyes so I can take you
you to close your eyes so I can take you through it but it won’t take very long
through it but it won’t take very long
through it but it won’t take very long just about a minute so do close your
just about a minute so do close your
just about a minute so do close your eyes and I’d like you to imagine you
eyes and I’d like you to imagine you
eyes and I’d like you to imagine you might put your feet on the floor and all
might put your feet on the floor and all
might put your feet on the floor and all that if you wish but basically just
that if you wish but basically just
that if you wish but basically just imagine that you are being looked at by
imagine that you are being looked at by
imagine that you are being looked at by a pair of eyes with complete and utter
a pair of eyes with complete and utter
a pair of eyes with complete and utter delight complete and utter except
delight complete and utter except
delight complete and utter except and love and kindness and a sense of
and love and kindness and a sense of
and love and kindness and a sense of worth not because of who you are but
worth not because of who you are but
worth not because of who you are but John’s because you’re a human being and
John’s because you’re a human being and
John’s because you’re a human being and you actually deserve your natural space
you actually deserve your natural space
you actually deserve your natural space just to be there and ask this pair of
just to be there and ask this pair of
just to be there and ask this pair of eyes it could be you know someone you
eyes it could be you know someone you
eyes it could be you know someone you know someone you feel that loves you or
know someone you feel that loves you or
know someone you feel that loves you or it could be even the stranger it could
it could be even the stranger it could
it could be even the stranger it could be your little six month old puppy but
be your little six month old puppy but
be your little six month old puppy but that pair of eyes does something to your
that pair of eyes does something to your
that pair of eyes does something to your body and I’d like you to notice what’s
body and I’d like you to notice what’s
body and I’d like you to notice what’s going on in your body I’d like you to
going on in your body I’d like you to
going on in your body I’d like you to notice how your spine might expand or
notice how your spine might expand or
notice how your spine might expand or how come there’s might be just a little
how come there’s might be just a little
how come there’s might be just a little bit more space or perhaps how you even
bit more space or perhaps how you even
bit more space or perhaps how you even growing and straighten strengthening
growing and straighten strengthening
growing and straighten strengthening your shoulders and lifting your head a
your shoulders and lifting your head a
your shoulders and lifting your head a little bit because you feel your dignity
little bit because you feel your dignity
little bit because you feel your dignity has grown up a bit you might even feel
has grown up a bit you might even feel
has grown up a bit you might even feel that you can draw on the roots of all
that you can draw on the roots of all
that you can draw on the roots of all your ancestors or your family members
your ancestors or your family members
your ancestors or your family members all the people who are part of your
all the people who are part of your
all the people who are part of your human story so do feel that within you
human story so do feel that within you
human story so do feel that within you and as you’re feeling it I’d like you to
and as you’re feeling it I’d like you to
and as you’re feeling it I’d like you to now think of one person in your life it
now think of one person in your life it
now think of one person in your life it could be your neighbor could be your
could be your neighbor could be your
could be your neighbor could be your partner could be your teacher that you
partner could be your teacher that you
partner could be your teacher that you could bring the same sort of kind soft
could bring the same sort of kind soft
could bring the same sort of kind soft eyes to next time you’re interacting
eyes to next time you’re interacting
eyes to next time you’re interacting with them so I’d like you to bring up
with them so I’d like you to bring up
with them so I’d like you to bring up maybe the picture of that person or it
maybe the picture of that person or it
maybe the picture of that person or it could even be a stranger thank you very
could even be a stranger thank you very
could even be a stranger thank you very much for going through that experience
much for going through that experience
much for going through that experience now how many times do I see in schools
now how many times do I see in schools
now how many times do I see in schools kids being afraid
kids being afraid
kids being afraid who they are because they’re afraid of
who they are because they’re afraid of
who they are because they’re afraid of being bullied I have seen and heard many
being bullied I have seen and heard many
being bullied I have seen and heard many times on buses kids literally being
times on buses kids literally being
times on buses kids literally being bullying to one another and being very
bullying to one another and being very
bullying to one another and being very aggressive how many times kids worry
aggressive how many times kids worry
aggressive how many times kids worry about not fitting in and how many times
about not fitting in and how many times
about not fitting in and how many times in the workplace do people not put their
in the workplace do people not put their
in the workplace do people not put their hand up or question something because
hand up or question something because
hand up or question something because they’re really afraid they’ll get sacked
they’re really afraid they’ll get sacked
they’re really afraid they’ll get sacked or they’ll be you know sort of put up on
or they’ll be you know sort of put up on
or they’ll be you know sort of put up on the side as the troublemaker not the one
the side as the troublemaker not the one
the side as the troublemaker not the one to put forward for anything and also
to put forward for anything and also
to put forward for anything and also with decision leaders around the world
with decision leaders around the world
with decision leaders around the world many decision leaders in fact are really
many decision leaders in fact are really
many decision leaders in fact are really bad at making decisions because in fact
bad at making decisions because in fact
bad at making decisions because in fact they’re afraid they’re afraid of getting
they’re afraid they’re afraid of getting
they’re afraid they’re afraid of getting it wrong because then the finger goes
it wrong because then the finger goes
it wrong because then the finger goes it’s you because you’re the leader right
it’s you because you’re the leader right
it’s you because you’re the leader right so we’re all afraid and if you look
so we’re all afraid and if you look
so we’re all afraid and if you look around like me and when I take the train
around like me and when I take the train
around like me and when I take the train in London or when I walk majority of
in London or when I walk majority of
in London or when I walk majority of people look down at their shoes do you
people look down at their shoes do you
people look down at their shoes do you know why people look down at their shoes
know why people look down at their shoes
know why people look down at their shoes because they’re afraid
because they’re afraid
because they’re afraid I remember if our eyes meet I am
I remember if our eyes meet I am
I remember if our eyes meet I am actually afraid of connecting to you
actually afraid of connecting to you
actually afraid of connecting to you because you might look like bet back at
because you might look like bet back at
because you might look like bet back at me and say what the hell are you looking
me and say what the hell are you looking
me and say what the hell are you looking at it could be conflict so actually
at it could be conflict so actually
at it could be conflict so actually afraid of connection and I want to
afraid of connection and I want to
afraid of connection and I want to invite you into the kinds eyes exercise
invite you into the kinds eyes exercise
invite you into the kinds eyes exercise very often because you see kids and
very often because you see kids and
very often because you see kids and adults we don’t do what other people say
adults we don’t do what other people say
adults we don’t do what other people say we should do we tend to do what we see
we should do we tend to do what we see
we should do we tend to do what we see other people practice don’t we and so
other people practice don’t we and so
other people practice don’t we and so for me a school of tomorrow is a school
for me a school of tomorrow is a school
for me a school of tomorrow is a school that has more care and connection
that has more care and connection
that has more care and connection because in the school that has more care
because in the school that has more care
because in the school that has more care and connection we certainly have less
and connection we certainly have less
and connection we certainly have less fear we have far less fighting and we
fear we have far less fighting and we
fear we have far less fighting and we have far less fleeing so we don’t have
have far less fleeing so we don’t have
have far less fleeing so we don’t have kids who tell their parents I’m off to
kids who tell their parents I’m off to
kids who tell their parents I’m off to school and become truant and that’s
school and become truant and that’s
school and become truant and that’s really important okay there they’re
really important okay there they’re
really important okay there they’re actually protected in the way and so
actually protected in the way and so
actually protected in the way and so that isn’t just true for schools but of
that isn’t just true for schools but of
that isn’t just true for schools but of course it’s extremely true for fun
course it’s extremely true for fun
course it’s extremely true for fun families because many families have
families because many families have
families because many families have conflict many kids fear being at home
conflict many kids fear being at home
conflict many kids fear being at home many kids do not come home to safe
many kids do not come home to safe
many kids do not come home to safe households so these skills actually
households so these skills actually
households so these skills actually really important in terms of how we can
really important in terms of how we can
really important in terms of how we can manage this thing up here that we have
manage this thing up here that we have
manage this thing up here that we have and so I’m devoting my time in my
and so I’m devoting my time in my
and so I’m devoting my time in my mission to helping people to connect the
mission to helping people to connect the
mission to helping people to connect the heart and the mind by running a global
heart and the mind by running a global
heart and the mind by running a global program that invites people to
program that invites people to
program that invites people to effectively say I’m no longer afraid to
effectively say I’m no longer afraid to
effectively say I’m no longer afraid to do the things I want to do so very much
do the things I want to do so very much
do the things I want to do so very much like Dave and other speakers today I am
like Dave and other speakers today I am
like Dave and other speakers today I am encouraging people to say yes to things
encouraging people to say yes to things
encouraging people to say yes to things more and not to necessarily norm down
more and not to necessarily norm down
more and not to necessarily norm down because I don’t think much comes from
because I don’t think much comes from
because I don’t think much comes from norming down I think a lot comes from
norming down I think a lot comes from
norming down I think a lot comes from actually sort of challenging things and
actually sort of challenging things and
actually sort of challenging things and thinking again an education or to do
thinking again an education or to do
thinking again an education or to do that for us so I want you to remember
that for us so I want you to remember
that for us so I want you to remember the kinds eyes exercise every time that
the kinds eyes exercise every time that
the kinds eyes exercise every time that you are in a conflict that you might be
you are in a conflict that you might be
you are in a conflict that you might be angry that you might react badly towards
angry that you might react badly towards
angry that you might react badly towards someone else where you will invite I
someone else where you will invite I
someone else where you will invite I guarantee you more violence more
guarantee you more violence more
guarantee you more violence more problems and no solution and I want you
problems and no solution and I want you
problems and no solution and I want you to remember kind eyes when you’re in
to remember kind eyes when you’re in
to remember kind eyes when you’re in your best moment when your average day
your best moment when your average day
your best moment when your average day because there are many people around you
because there are many people around you
because there are many people around you as I’m I said who might be having a crap
as I’m I said who might be having a crap
as I’m I said who might be having a crap day and in fact they actually need your
day and in fact they actually need your
day and in fact they actually need your kind eyes they need your mercy your
kind eyes they need your mercy your
kind eyes they need your mercy your kindness they need you to sort of just
kindness they need you to sort of just
kindness they need you to sort of just give them that acknowledgment that
give them that acknowledgment that
give them that acknowledgment that they’re still worthy that they’re okay
they’re still worthy that they’re okay
they’re still worthy that they’re okay and actually if we all do that for each
and actually if we all do that for each
and actually if we all do that for each other if we do that in our communities
other if we do that in our communities
other if we do that in our communities it will be a better world it’ll be a
it will be a better world it’ll be a
it will be a better world it’ll be a more peaceful world and a more equal
more peaceful world and a more equal
more peaceful world and a more equal world so I do invite you to remember the
world so I do invite you to remember the
world so I do invite you to remember the kind eyes because that’s what I got from
kind eyes because that’s what I got from
kind eyes because that’s what I got from John and his wife I got kind eyes thank
John and his wife I got kind eyes thank
John and his wife I got kind eyes thank you very much
you very much
you very much [Applause]
”
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