one name why my sister are you afraid I was why were you afraid they do not look
was why were you afraid they do not look
was why were you afraid they do not look like me why are you no longer afraid the
like me why are you no longer afraid the
like me why are you no longer afraid the girls like me will see me when I said I
girls like me will see me when I said I
girls like me will see me when I said I rights in this talk I think I wrote 3
rights in this talk I think I wrote 3
rights in this talk I think I wrote 3 different topics I wanted to write about
different topics I wanted to write about
different topics I wanted to write about many things many issues that had witness
many things many issues that had witness
many things many issues that had witness from being from living in two different
from being from living in two different
from being from living in two different countries yet I was running away from
countries yet I was running away from
countries yet I was running away from digging deeper from unwrapping the
digging deeper from unwrapping the
digging deeper from unwrapping the silence that surrounds sets and
silence that surrounds sets and
silence that surrounds sets and importance issues
importance issues
importance issues you see I fall victim to that what
you see I fall victim to that what
you see I fall victim to that what should be said what should not be said
should be said what should not be said
should be said what should not be said what should be written what should not
what should be written what should not
what should be written what should not be written however as an immigrant in
be written however as an immigrant in
be written however as an immigrant in these United States as an African as an
these United States as an African as an
these United States as an African as an ebow woman as a Nigerian I know how
ebow woman as a Nigerian I know how
ebow woman as a Nigerian I know how important it is that stories must be
important it is that stories must be
important it is that stories must be told that we must have to reveal our
told that we must have to reveal our
told that we must have to reveal our observations sooner than later that the
observations sooner than later that the
observations sooner than later that the time is always now I’m a storyteller I
time is always now I’m a storyteller I
time is always now I’m a storyteller I borrow more and more from James
borrow more and more from James
borrow more and more from James Baldwin’s idea on being a witness to two
Baldwin’s idea on being a witness to two
Baldwin’s idea on being a witness to two continents about eight years ago two
continents about eight years ago two
continents about eight years ago two very important incidents happened to me
very important incidents happened to me
very important incidents happened to me that would change me forever I began a
that would change me forever I began a
that would change me forever I began a very strong friendship with a former
very strong friendship with a former
very strong friendship with a former schoolmate of mine it was through a poem
schoolmate of mine it was through a poem
schoolmate of mine it was through a poem called yellow I was a primo poem about
called yellow I was a primo poem about
called yellow I was a primo poem about how depressed but optimistic I still
how depressed but optimistic I still
how depressed but optimistic I still felt she would tell me how the point
felt she would tell me how the point
felt she would tell me how the point gave her hope how she was battling a
gave her hope how she was battling a
gave her hope how she was battling a kind of depression she was healing from
kind of depression she was healing from
kind of depression she was healing from the wounds of childhood trauma
the wounds of childhood trauma
the wounds of childhood trauma the second important incident was one
the second important incident was one
the second important incident was one evening with five of my friends all
evening with five of my friends all
evening with five of my friends all African women
African women
African women when the issue of childhood abuse was
when the issue of childhood abuse was
when the issue of childhood abuse was brought up all four out of six of the
brought up all four out of six of the
brought up all four out of six of the girls had been survivors of it you see I
girls had been survivors of it you see I
girls had been survivors of it you see I couldn’t shake it off there in the
couldn’t shake it off there in the
couldn’t shake it off there in the living room of one of our friends were
living room of one of our friends were
living room of one of our friends were stories being unwrapped silence being
stories being unwrapped silence being
stories being unwrapped silence being unwrapped and told what we always knew
unwrapped and told what we always knew
unwrapped and told what we always knew that you should always stay between us
that you should always stay between us
that you should always stay between us they told me stories of how they felt
they told me stories of how they felt
they told me stories of how they felt betrayed by family members
betrayed by family members
betrayed by family members I’ve thought he had reviewed that they
I’ve thought he had reviewed that they
I’ve thought he had reviewed that they are abused to them they told me about
are abused to them they told me about
are abused to them they told me about having to battle trauma alone but in all
having to battle trauma alone but in all
having to battle trauma alone but in all of these stories
of these stories
of these stories it was the insistence on silence that
it was the insistence on silence that
it was the insistence on silence that terrified me the most the idea of what a
terrified me the most the idea of what a
terrified me the most the idea of what a woman a woman like blue premier like me
woman a woman like blue premier like me
woman a woman like blue premier like me can and cannot say it is a tradition of
can and cannot say it is a tradition of
can and cannot say it is a tradition of silence that insisted that what they had
silence that insisted that what they had
silence that insisted that what they had gone through was something to be ashamed
gone through was something to be ashamed
gone through was something to be ashamed of something that devalues you the
of something that devalues you the
of something that devalues you the survivor whenever we examine our society
survivor whenever we examine our society
survivor whenever we examine our society we find time and time again that silence
we find time and time again that silence
we find time and time again that silence benefits no one
benefits no one
benefits no one instead it continues a deadly cycle it
instead it continues a deadly cycle it
instead it continues a deadly cycle it tells you that your emotions your
tells you that your emotions your
tells you that your emotions your feelings your depression is not real it
feelings your depression is not real it
feelings your depression is not real it insists that if a narrative needs to be
insists that if a narrative needs to be
insists that if a narrative needs to be told it should be one of survival so we
told it should be one of survival so we
told it should be one of survival so we have a way of doing things we have a way
have a way of doing things we have a way
have a way of doing things we have a way of glorifying survival but not the
of glorifying survival but not the
of glorifying survival but not the process of surviving after all my
process of surviving after all my
process of surviving after all my friends this women should be grateful
friends this women should be grateful
friends this women should be grateful they are in a country that gives them
they are in a country that gives them
they are in a country that gives them more rights as women or it tells you
more rights as women or it tells you
more rights as women or it tells you that you should be grateful you survived
that you should be grateful you survived
that you should be grateful you survived it but don’t tell it yet we forget that
it but don’t tell it yet we forget that
it but don’t tell it yet we forget that we forget that humans cannot carry such
we forget that humans cannot carry such
we forget that humans cannot carry such burden their entire lives without
burden their entire lives without
burden their entire lives without breaking down without hurting themselves
breaking down without hurting themselves
breaking down without hurting themselves or others we forget that define the
or others we forget that define the
or others we forget that define the culture of silence define the tradition
culture of silence define the tradition
culture of silence define the tradition of silence which I call an act of civil
of silence which I call an act of civil
of silence which I call an act of civil disobedience is how
disobedience is how
disobedience is how change happens it is when we speak up
change happens it is when we speak up
change happens it is when we speak up against what hurts us that we can have a
against what hurts us that we can have a
against what hurts us that we can have a societal shift no matter how small the
societal shift no matter how small the
societal shift no matter how small the tradition of silence insists and demands
tradition of silence insists and demands
tradition of silence insists and demands your full cooperation in erasing your
your full cooperation in erasing your
your full cooperation in erasing your stories in not owning and telling your
stories in not owning and telling your
stories in not owning and telling your stories because it is one thing to know
stories because it is one thing to know
stories because it is one thing to know your story it is another to tell it
your story it is another to tell it
your story it is another to tell it telling your stories gives you the pen
telling your stories gives you the pen
telling your stories gives you the pen it gives you power and gives you
it gives you power and gives you
it gives you power and gives you privilege and in cases where for
privilege and in cases where for
privilege and in cases where for centuries you never had that it is not
centuries you never had that it is not
centuries you never had that it is not only a privilege it becomes
only a privilege it becomes
only a privilege it becomes revolutionary that is why what I’m drawn
revolutionary that is why what I’m drawn
revolutionary that is why what I’m drawn to I’m drawn to stories of women who
to I’m drawn to stories of women who
to I’m drawn to stories of women who defy the tradition of silence I’m drawn
defy the tradition of silence I’m drawn
defy the tradition of silence I’m drawn to how we can change the status quo how
to how we can change the status quo how
to how we can change the status quo how we can change policies and how we can
we can change policies and how we can
we can change policies and how we can tell our stories I’m drawn to
tell our stories I’m drawn to
tell our stories I’m drawn to re-examining the tradition that says
re-examining the tradition that says
re-examining the tradition that says that says silence is a virtue my
that says silence is a virtue my
that says silence is a virtue my secondary school mates would let us seek
secondary school mates would let us seek
secondary school mates would let us seek help she would in the following years
help she would in the following years
help she would in the following years own and tell her story I’m encouraged by
own and tell her story I’m encouraged by
own and tell her story I’m encouraged by such power because how can we keep
such power because how can we keep
such power because how can we keep telling stories of only strength and not
telling stories of only strength and not
telling stories of only strength and not witness it wasn’t recognizing that the
witness it wasn’t recognizing that the
witness it wasn’t recognizing that the tradition of silence was hurting her
tradition of silence was hurting her
tradition of silence was hurting her that she found the strength to speak up
that she found the strength to speak up
that she found the strength to speak up seek help and tell her story of trying
seek help and tell her story of trying
seek help and tell her story of trying to survive depression but there are
to survive depression but there are
to survive depression but there are three important things that make up the
three important things that make up the
three important things that make up the tradition of silence one I call the
tradition of silence one I call the
tradition of silence one I call the three C’s
three C’s
three C’s they are culture code and cage you see
they are culture code and cage you see
they are culture code and cage you see the culture is what you’re born into the
the culture is what you’re born into the
the culture is what you’re born into the culture tells you that certain stories
culture tells you that certain stories
culture tells you that certain stories do not fit it tells you that if tells us
do not fit it tells you that if tells us
do not fit it tells you that if tells us that if our narratives do not fit the
that if our narratives do not fit the
that if our narratives do not fit the status quo that something is wrong with
status quo that something is wrong with
status quo that something is wrong with us for instance my schoolmates our
us for instance my schoolmates our
us for instance my schoolmates our culture where
culture where
culture where was told had depression is not real she
was told had depression is not real she
was told had depression is not real she was told her trauma is not real she was
was told her trauma is not real she was
was told her trauma is not real she was told how ungrateful she was to being one
told how ungrateful she was to being one
told how ungrateful she was to being one of the best schools in London and still
of the best schools in London and still
of the best schools in London and still feel empty so it got worse for her how
feel empty so it got worse for her how
feel empty so it got worse for her how dare a woman how there an African woman
dare a woman how there an African woman
dare a woman how there an African woman feel traumatized the culture insists
feel traumatized the culture insists
feel traumatized the culture insists that silence no matter how broken the
that silence no matter how broken the
that silence no matter how broken the survivor feels is strength think of why
survivor feels is strength think of why
survivor feels is strength think of why some women stay in abusive marriages it
some women stay in abusive marriages it
some women stay in abusive marriages it is the culture that insists that she’s
is the culture that insists that she’s
is the culture that insists that she’s nothing without a man and when she has
nothing without a man and when she has
nothing without a man and when she has children she also had children a
children she also had children a
children she also had children a marriage she is no matter how broken no
marriage she is no matter how broken no
marriage she is no matter how broken no matter how sad would be blamed by
matter how sad would be blamed by
matter how sad would be blamed by society for failing to stay so what
society for failing to stay so what
society for failing to stay so what would a woman without support a woman
would a woman without support a woman
would a woman without support a woman without her own source of income
without her own source of income
without her own source of income a woman in a society with little or no
a woman in a society with little or no
a woman in a society with little or no laws that protect her do she stays in
laws that protect her do she stays in
laws that protect her do she stays in that abusive marriage the culture of
that abusive marriage the culture of
that abusive marriage the culture of silence gives you a side eye when you
silence gives you a side eye when you
silence gives you a side eye when you complain it says look at you don’t you
complain it says look at you don’t you
complain it says look at you don’t you know your mother’s survived these wars
know your mother’s survived these wars
know your mother’s survived these wars you must learn how to hide your wars in
you must learn how to hide your wars in
you must learn how to hide your wars in the morning you must cover it up young
the morning you must cover it up young
the morning you must cover it up young woman young man do not shame us now the
woman young man do not shame us now the
woman young man do not shame us now the culture creates code the code is this we
culture creates code the code is this we
culture creates code the code is this we must not speak about our pain we must
must not speak about our pain we must
must not speak about our pain we must not break down we are strong the code
not break down we are strong the code
not break down we are strong the code creates superhumans a pride in how much
creates superhumans a pride in how much
creates superhumans a pride in how much you can carry because if you dare break
you can carry because if you dare break
you can carry because if you dare break the code then you’re automatically seen
the code then you’re automatically seen
the code then you’re automatically seen as a failure I think it’s very funny
as a failure I think it’s very funny
as a failure I think it’s very funny you know how society thinks that stuff
you know how society thinks that stuff
you know how society thinks that stuff nests
nests
nests not part of strength a culture of
not part of strength a culture of
not part of strength a culture of silence creates a code that masking your
silence creates a code that masking your
silence creates a code that masking your pain denying your story and not telling
pain denying your story and not telling
pain denying your story and not telling it is how it has always been and how it
it is how it has always been and how it
it is how it has always been and how it should be the code we use tradition to
should be the code we use tradition to
should be the code we use tradition to compare you to others it will shame you
compare you to others it will shame you
compare you to others it will shame you into not owning and telling your story
into not owning and telling your story
into not owning and telling your story of surviving both elements of culture
of surviving both elements of culture
of surviving both elements of culture and code create the cage this is what
and code create the cage this is what
and code create the cage this is what the cage is the cage is where our all
the cage is the cage is where our all
the cage is the cage is where our all our own told stories go to die all our
our own told stories go to die all our
our own told stories go to die all our different narratives when they are not
different narratives when they are not
different narratives when they are not told all their good to die the cage is
told all their good to die the cage is
told all their good to die the cage is the final destination when the tradition
the final destination when the tradition
the final destination when the tradition of silence is not dismantled we fear
of silence is not dismantled we fear
of silence is not dismantled we fear that when we open the cage we are going
that when we open the cage we are going
that when we open the cage we are going to meet isolation it is better to be
to meet isolation it is better to be
to meet isolation it is better to be quiet it is better to honor the code
quiet it is better to honor the code
quiet it is better to honor the code than for you to open the cage or feel
than for you to open the cage or feel
than for you to open the cage or feel you have the power to tell your story or
you have the power to tell your story or
you have the power to tell your story or own your narrative but I’m a little bit
own your narrative but I’m a little bit
own your narrative but I’m a little bit I’m quite optimistic you know that
I’m quite optimistic you know that
I’m quite optimistic you know that solutions to the three C’s we have to
solutions to the three C’s we have to
solutions to the three C’s we have to understand there are stories within
understand there are stories within
understand there are stories within stories some more complex than the other
stories some more complex than the other
stories some more complex than the other stories many of our cultures denied
stories many of our cultures denied
stories many of our cultures denied happens stories that when left untold
happens stories that when left untold
happens stories that when left untold leaves us with a community with a
leaves us with a community with a
leaves us with a community with a society without proper representation
society without proper representation
society without proper representation when we tell people that they should be
when we tell people that they should be
when we tell people that they should be quiet because their stories do not fit
quiet because their stories do not fit
quiet because their stories do not fit what we know we deny the importance of
what we know we deny the importance of
what we know we deny the importance of diversity when we deny the importance of
diversity when we deny the importance of
diversity when we deny the importance of hearing what others have survived like
hearing what others have survived like
hearing what others have survived like when I sat with my friends
when I sat with my friends
when I sat with my friends years ago we deny them the power to feel
years ago we deny them the power to feel
years ago we deny them the power to feel less alone when I sat with my friends a
less alone when I sat with my friends a
less alone when I sat with my friends a few years ago
few years ago
few years ago years ago they felt less alone when I
years ago they felt less alone when I
years ago they felt less alone when I connected with Sheen where she felt less
connected with Sheen where she felt less
connected with Sheen where she felt less alone like I did
alone like I did
alone like I did we should also seek to encourage people
we should also seek to encourage people
we should also seek to encourage people to tell their stories by listening with
to tell their stories by listening with
to tell their stories by listening with an open mind
an open mind
an open mind if someone confides in you telling you
if someone confides in you telling you
if someone confides in you telling you that they are depressed do not brush it
that they are depressed do not brush it
that they are depressed do not brush it off and say it does not happen to people
off and say it does not happen to people
off and say it does not happen to people like us encourage them to tell their
like us encourage them to tell their
like us encourage them to tell their story sometimes listening is giving them
story sometimes listening is giving them
story sometimes listening is giving them power to own their story and break
power to own their story and break
power to own their story and break through the tradition of silence
through the tradition of silence
through the tradition of silence remember your vocabulary you’re not
remember your vocabulary you’re not
remember your vocabulary you’re not allowing a lesson you are encouraging
allowing a lesson you are encouraging
allowing a lesson you are encouraging them allow a let’s is placing power in
them allow a let’s is placing power in
them allow a let’s is placing power in your hands you’re not in charge of the
your hands you’re not in charge of the
your hands you’re not in charge of the story you’re not in charge of how to
story you’re not in charge of how to
story you’re not in charge of how to decide to tell it encourage not allow we
decide to tell it encourage not allow we
decide to tell it encourage not allow we should not tell others that your
should not tell others that your
should not tell others that your experience is different from ours need
experience is different from ours need
experience is different from ours need not be told in overcoming the tradition
not be told in overcoming the tradition
not be told in overcoming the tradition of silence we must understand that it is
of silence we must understand that it is
of silence we must understand that it is not weakness to seek help and we should
not weakness to seek help and we should
not weakness to seek help and we should encourage people to do that to go and
encourage people to do that to go and
encourage people to do that to go and find help yes we can suffer from
find help yes we can suffer from
find help yes we can suffer from depression yes we can seek this we can
depression yes we can seek this we can
depression yes we can seek this we can seek therapy yes you can speak to a
seek therapy yes you can speak to a
seek therapy yes you can speak to a therapist no we must not break our backs
therapist no we must not break our backs
therapist no we must not break our backs carrying silence like a badge of honor
carrying silence like a badge of honor
carrying silence like a badge of honor remember how we heal from pain is
remember how we heal from pain is
remember how we heal from pain is different as different as our lived
different as different as our lived
different as different as our lived experiences it is important to
experiences it is important to
experiences it is important to understand normalizing pain is a tragic
understand normalizing pain is a tragic
understand normalizing pain is a tragic cycle that must end another solution is
cycle that must end another solution is
cycle that must end another solution is localizing the issue for instance in
localizing the issue for instance in
localizing the issue for instance in Zimbabwe
Zimbabwe
Zimbabwe there are Friendship benches in certain
there are Friendship benches in certain
there are Friendship benches in certain townships
townships
townships where women who have been taught to
where women who have been taught to
where women who have been taught to listen health care advocates sit and
listen health care advocates sit and
listen health care advocates sit and listen to this women people these are
listen to this women people these are
listen to this women people these are people who have been told your problem
people who have been told your problem
people who have been told your problem isn’t big enough women who are at a
isn’t big enough women who are at a
isn’t big enough women who are at a disadvantage who carry pains and just
disadvantage who carry pains and just
disadvantage who carry pains and just need to be listened to
need to be listened to
need to be listened to now they can sit and understand their
now they can sit and understand their
now they can sit and understand their pain is valid this is how change happens
pain is valid this is how change happens
pain is valid this is how change happens there are stories are just as important
there are stories are just as important
there are stories are just as important for them to own it and to tell it for
for them to own it and to tell it for
for them to own it and to tell it for power to be given back to the survivor
power to be given back to the survivor
power to be given back to the survivor we must also understand how these
we must also understand how these
we must also understand how these stories no matter how different the
stories no matter how different the
stories no matter how different the names or distant the locations are part
names or distant the locations are part
names or distant the locations are part of the human experiences if our silence
of the human experiences if our silence
of the human experiences if our silence continues how can we add our lived
continues how can we add our lived
continues how can we add our lived experiences to the human story we also
experiences to the human story we also
experiences to the human story we also have to use bigger lenses to see the
have to use bigger lenses to see the
have to use bigger lenses to see the world more importantly as people with a
world more importantly as people with a
world more importantly as people with a story as people with a pen we must tell
story as people with a pen we must tell
story as people with a pen we must tell it because we are witnesses to it all
it because we are witnesses to it all
it because we are witnesses to it all and this is my form of civil
and this is my form of civil
and this is my form of civil disobedience dismantling the tradition
disobedience dismantling the tradition
disobedience dismantling the tradition of silence by encouraging you and
of silence by encouraging you and
of silence by encouraging you and everyone to tell to own and encourage
everyone to tell to own and encourage
everyone to tell to own and encourage others to own their stories thank you
others to own their stories thank you
others to own their stories thank you [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music]
[Music] [Applause]
”
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