I see fine hi hey my name is Dylan what’s your name Andrea hi Andrea Andrea
what’s your name Andrea hi Andrea Andrea
what’s your name Andrea hi Andrea Andrea are you thinking about suicide right now
yeah what you just heard is an example
yeah what you just heard is an example of what it feels like to actually pick
of what it feels like to actually pick
of what it feels like to actually pick up the phone as a crisis line counselor
up the phone as a crisis line counselor
up the phone as a crisis line counselor so my name is Dylan and I’m a suicide
so my name is Dylan and I’m a suicide
so my name is Dylan and I’m a suicide crisis line counselor and volunteer for
crisis line counselor and volunteer for
crisis line counselor and volunteer for a crisis line that’s part of the
a crisis line that’s part of the
a crisis line that’s part of the National Suicide Prevention Network and
National Suicide Prevention Network and
National Suicide Prevention Network and I’m here to basically share with you
I’m here to basically share with you
I’m here to basically share with you some of my experiences in order to
some of my experiences in order to
some of my experiences in order to actually just inspire you and motivate
actually just inspire you and motivate
actually just inspire you and motivate you to begin to consider the importance
you to begin to consider the importance
you to begin to consider the importance of listening in your own life so let’s
of listening in your own life so let’s
of listening in your own life so let’s actually break down exactly what that
actually break down exactly what that
actually break down exactly what that first chip is like okay so I pick up the
first chip is like okay so I pick up the
first chip is like okay so I pick up the phone and I’m talking directly to people
phone and I’m talking directly to people
phone and I’m talking directly to people who want to kill themselves right people
who want to kill themselves right people
who want to kill themselves right people who have suicidal ideation people who
who have suicidal ideation people who
who have suicidal ideation people who have attempted suicide even that day or
have attempted suicide even that day or
have attempted suicide even that day or numerous times in their lifetime people
numerous times in their lifetime people
numerous times in their lifetime people who may have a desire for suicide but
who may have a desire for suicide but
who may have a desire for suicide but not necessarily a plan or access to
not necessarily a plan or access to
not necessarily a plan or access to those means which we actually define as
those means which we actually define as
those means which we actually define as intent and capability third-party
intent and capability third-party
intent and capability third-party callers people who are actually calling
callers people who are actually calling
callers people who are actually calling about their loved ones or their friends
about their loved ones or their friends
about their loved ones or their friends people who are concerned after seeing an
people who are concerned after seeing an
people who are concerned after seeing an Instagram photo for instance that got
Instagram photo for instance that got
Instagram photo for instance that got them really alarmed so it’s also not
them really alarmed so it’s also not
them really alarmed so it’s also not uncommon to actually get a group of 13
uncommon to actually get a group of 13
uncommon to actually get a group of 13 year old prank callers no matter who
year old prank callers no matter who
year old prank callers no matter who that first caller is it’s terrifying to
that first caller is it’s terrifying to
that first caller is it’s terrifying to pick up the phone and I didn’t want to
pick up the phone and I didn’t want to
pick up the phone and I didn’t want to see the wrong things right I really
see the wrong things right I really
see the wrong things right I really wanted to make sure I was saying the
wanted to make sure I was saying the
wanted to make sure I was saying the right things and a lot of times I didn’t
right things and a lot of times I didn’t
right things and a lot of times I didn’t really know what to say but eventually I
really know what to say but eventually I
really know what to say but eventually I learned to just keep be open hearted and
learned to just keep be open hearted and
learned to just keep be open hearted and willing to just adopt an entirely new
willing to just adopt an entirely new
willing to just adopt an entirely new skill set because listening really isn’t
skill set because listening really isn’t
skill set because listening really isn’t easy it’s not easy
easy it’s not easy
easy it’s not easy fact it’s actually really difficult to
fact it’s actually really difficult to
fact it’s actually really difficult to listen and it wasn’t until I actually
listen and it wasn’t until I actually
listen and it wasn’t until I actually started volunteering on a crisis line
started volunteering on a crisis line
started volunteering on a crisis line that I realize just how challenging it
that I realize just how challenging it
that I realize just how challenging it was for me to listen in my own everyday
was for me to listen in my own everyday
was for me to listen in my own everyday life so just like all of you here are
life so just like all of you here are
life so just like all of you here are some of the things that I do okay even
some of the things that I do okay even
some of the things that I do okay even to this day sometimes I’ll ask someone a
to this day sometimes I’ll ask someone a
to this day sometimes I’ll ask someone a question twice literally minutes after
question twice literally minutes after
question twice literally minutes after asking them it because I just totally
asking them it because I just totally
asking them it because I just totally blanked on me what they were exactly
blanked on me what they were exactly
blanked on me what they were exactly saying or sometimes I’ll ask someone
saying or sometimes I’ll ask someone
saying or sometimes I’ll ask someone will tell me their name and I’ll almost
will tell me their name and I’ll almost
will tell me their name and I’ll almost immediately forget it
immediately forget it
immediately forget it because I’m thinking about an attribute
because I’m thinking about an attribute
because I’m thinking about an attribute of that person that’s standing out to me
of that person that’s standing out to me
of that person that’s standing out to me in some way or you know someone will
in some way or you know someone will
in some way or you know someone will tell me hey Dylan what’s new and I’ll
tell me hey Dylan what’s new and I’ll
tell me hey Dylan what’s new and I’ll almost immediately respond you know good
almost immediately respond you know good
almost immediately respond you know good how are you without really thinking of
how are you without really thinking of
how are you without really thinking of what they were asking right so like all
what they were asking right so like all
what they were asking right so like all of you these little things I end up
of you these little things I end up
of you these little things I end up doing these things a lot and I still do
doing these things a lot and I still do
doing these things a lot and I still do this to this day so it’s clear that
this to this day so it’s clear that
this to this day so it’s clear that listening really is a problem for a lot
listening really is a problem for a lot
listening really is a problem for a lot of us and you know let’s just throw in
of us and you know let’s just throw in
of us and you know let’s just throw in the mediated role of Technology into the
the mediated role of Technology into the
the mediated role of Technology into the mix okay the inundation of information
mix okay the inundation of information
mix okay the inundation of information through your social media channels and
through your social media channels and
through your social media channels and your platforms just multiple you know
your platforms just multiple you know
your platforms just multiple you know images and information being thrown at
images and information being thrown at
images and information being thrown at you every day plus using multiple tabs
you every day plus using multiple tabs
you every day plus using multiple tabs and windows when you’re working you know
and windows when you’re working you know
and windows when you’re working you know but the barriers to listening they’re
but the barriers to listening they’re
but the barriers to listening they’re not only external barriers they’re
not only external barriers they’re
not only external barriers they’re internal barriers too so take for
internal barriers too so take for
internal barriers too so take for example your disposition to want to
example your disposition to want to
example your disposition to want to finish the other person’s sentence or
finish the other person’s sentence or
finish the other person’s sentence or just you know when thinking of something
just you know when thinking of something
just you know when thinking of something to say next thinking of something to say
to say next thinking of something to say
to say next thinking of something to say next when someone’s trying to talk to
next when someone’s trying to talk to
next when someone’s trying to talk to you or even actually trying to make up
you or even actually trying to make up
you or even actually trying to make up solutions to what you deem as their
solutions to what you deem as their
solutions to what you deem as their problems when they’re talking to you all
problems when they’re talking to you all
problems when they’re talking to you all of these we’ve done in some sort of way
of these we’ve done in some sort of way
of these we’ve done in some sort of way right and all of these facets actually
right and all of these facets actually
right and all of these facets actually obstruct our ability to listen making
obstruct our ability to listen making
obstruct our ability to listen making listening really an super arduous task
listening really an super arduous task
listening really an super arduous task in today’s age so as the president
in today’s age so as the president
in today’s age so as the president founder of cal state la’s chapter of
founder of cal state la’s chapter of
founder of cal state la’s chapter of nami which stands for the National
nami which stands for the National
nami which stands for the National Alliance on Mental Illness I’m actually
Alliance on Mental Illness I’m actually
Alliance on Mental Illness I’m actually really concerned about the degree to
really concerned about the degree to
really concerned about the degree to which we don’t really listen to our own
which we don’t really listen to our own
which we don’t really listen to our own mental health and AIDS
mental health and AIDS
mental health and AIDS consider how two-thirds of students who
consider how two-thirds of students who
consider how two-thirds of students who were struggling with mental health
were struggling with mental health
were struggling with mental health issues don’t actually go and seek
issues don’t actually go and seek
issues don’t actually go and seek treatment according to a 2015 survey
treatment according to a 2015 survey
treatment according to a 2015 survey from the American College Health
from the American College Health
from the American College Health Association now I really wanted to found
Association now I really wanted to found
Association now I really wanted to found this chapter to initiate a real dignity
this chapter to initiate a real dignity
this chapter to initiate a real dignity stigmatization of the discussion of
stigmatization of the discussion of
stigmatization of the discussion of mental health issues the issues that I
mental health issues the issues that I
mental health issues the issues that I was hearing from all the callers and the
was hearing from all the callers and the
was hearing from all the callers and the lines so issues like social anxiety
lines so issues like social anxiety
lines so issues like social anxiety depression social phobia psychosis the
depression social phobia psychosis the
depression social phobia psychosis the chapter basically represents the role
chapter basically represents the role
chapter basically represents the role that education and social supports can
that education and social supports can
that education and social supports can play in really just initiating a more
play in really just initiating a more
play in really just initiating a more honest conversation about mental health
honest conversation about mental health
honest conversation about mental health on a college campus so at this point I
on a college campus so at this point I
on a college campus so at this point I think we can all kind of intellectually
think we can all kind of intellectually
think we can all kind of intellectually at least understand the importance of
at least understand the importance of
at least understand the importance of listening right we can kind of think
listening right we can kind of think
listening right we can kind of think about it and be like okay listening is
about it and be like okay listening is
about it and be like okay listening is probably important I don’t do it as much
probably important I don’t do it as much
probably important I don’t do it as much as they probably should or at least I’m
as they probably should or at least I’m
as they probably should or at least I’m not doing in the right way that I
not doing in the right way that I
not doing in the right way that I probably should but it wasn’t until
probably should but it wasn’t until
probably should but it wasn’t until listening was actually a matter of life
listening was actually a matter of life
listening was actually a matter of life or death that I began to realize just
or death that I began to realize just
or death that I began to realize just how you know I was making these exact
how you know I was making these exact
how you know I was making these exact same mistakes so I struggle to this day
same mistakes so I struggle to this day
same mistakes so I struggle to this day to listen to callers while also
to listen to callers while also
to listen to callers while also providing with them resources and
providing with them resources and
providing with them resources and helping them find resources that could
helping them find resources that could
helping them find resources that could really help them so this story begins
really help them so this story begins
really help them so this story begins with the caller will call mark and Mark
with the caller will call mark and Mark
with the caller will call mark and Mark was a teen caller and he was telling me
was a teen caller and he was telling me
was a teen caller and he was telling me how he actually wanted to kill himself
how he actually wanted to kill himself
how he actually wanted to kill himself because his father had physically
because his father had physically
because his father had physically attacked him the night before and it was
attacked him the night before and it was
attacked him the night before and it was really difficult listening to Mark’s
really difficult listening to Mark’s
really difficult listening to Mark’s story and heartbreaking at times but I
story and heartbreaking at times but I
story and heartbreaking at times but I pushed forward with a demographic
pushed forward with a demographic
pushed forward with a demographic question and without really you know
question and without really you know
question and without really you know telling him to tell me more about his
telling him to tell me more about his
telling him to tell me more about his story so I asked him I asked mark what
story so I asked him I asked mark what
story so I asked him I asked mark what gender he identified as and actually
gender he identified as and actually
gender he identified as and actually before he even began to speak I started
before he even began to speak I started
before he even began to speak I started writing down mail and he replied with
writing down mail and he replied with
writing down mail and he replied with transgender I wasn’t really listening I
transgender I wasn’t really listening I
transgender I wasn’t really listening I wasn’t really listening at all actually
wasn’t really listening at all actually
wasn’t really listening at all actually I realized in that moment that I was
I realized in that moment that I was
I realized in that moment that I was basically forming opinions I was coming
basically forming opinions I was coming
basically forming opinions I was coming to conclusions
to conclusions
to conclusions I was not staying present with mark
I was not staying present with mark
I was not staying present with mark even with your best intentions of being
even with your best intentions of being
even with your best intentions of being empathetic it doesn’t really mean you’re
empathetic it doesn’t really mean you’re
empathetic it doesn’t really mean you’re actually listening someone this is why I
actually listening someone this is why I
actually listening someone this is why I admire counselors on our shift on a
admire counselors on our shift on a
admire counselors on our shift on a typical four-hour shift they can talk to
typical four-hour shift they can talk to
typical four-hour shift they can talk to seven eight nine ten callers and they
seven eight nine ten callers and they
seven eight nine ten callers and they can give each caller their fullest
can give each caller their fullest
can give each caller their fullest attention callers who have spent years
attention callers who have spent years
attention callers who have spent years on the lines even decades on the lines
on the lines even decades on the lines
on the lines even decades on the lines tell me that their listening skills are
tell me that their listening skills are
tell me that their listening skills are actually always improving and the truth
actually always improving and the truth
actually always improving and the truth is that your listening skills like mine
is that your listening skills like mine
is that your listening skills like mine can continuously be developed and honed
can continuously be developed and honed
can continuously be developed and honed in on and grow my time as a crisis line
in on and grow my time as a crisis line
in on and grow my time as a crisis line counselor has actually allowed me to
counselor has actually allowed me to
counselor has actually allowed me to embody a whole different approach to
embody a whole different approach to
embody a whole different approach to listening so in their pioneering book
listening so in their pioneering book
listening so in their pioneering book are you listening which was published in
are you listening which was published in
are you listening which was published in 1957 by mcgraw-hill dr. Ralph Nichols
1957 by mcgraw-hill dr. Ralph Nichols
1957 by mcgraw-hill dr. Ralph Nichols and communication expert Leonard Stevens
and communication expert Leonard Stevens
and communication expert Leonard Stevens tell us that the average Americans rate
tell us that the average Americans rate
tell us that the average Americans rate of speech is 125 words per minute so
of speech is 125 words per minute so
of speech is 125 words per minute so although a lot of researchers actually
although a lot of researchers actually
although a lot of researchers actually debate how our brain is really
debate how our brain is really
debate how our brain is really functioning while we think stay with me
functioning while we think stay with me
functioning while we think stay with me here most researchers actually agree
here most researchers actually agree
here most researchers actually agree that our brains a primary mode of
that our brains a primary mode of
that our brains a primary mode of thought is actually through language and
thought is actually through language and
thought is actually through language and functions at a much much faster rate
functions at a much much faster rate
functions at a much much faster rate than that at the rate of speech so what
than that at the rate of speech so what
than that at the rate of speech so what does this mean for all of us right this
does this mean for all of us right this
does this mean for all of us right this basically means that when we find
basically means that when we find
basically means that when we find ourselves listening to someone we’re
ourselves listening to someone we’re
ourselves listening to someone we’re actually filling in the gaps with our
actually filling in the gaps with our
actually filling in the gaps with our own thinking so I want to end this talk
own thinking so I want to end this talk
own thinking so I want to end this talk with an example that Nichols and Stevens
with an example that Nichols and Stevens
with an example that Nichols and Stevens provide us with that I think we can
provide us with that I think we can
provide us with that I think we can relate to all on some level so let’s
relate to all on some level so let’s
relate to all on some level so let’s think back to having that meeting with
think back to having that meeting with
think back to having that meeting with our boss or we really found ourselves
our boss or we really found ourselves
our boss or we really found ourselves listening
listening
listening so our boss is trying to tell us of a
so our boss is trying to tell us of a
so our boss is trying to tell us of a new program or a new initiative that
new program or a new initiative that
new program or a new initiative that they really want to implement right and
they really want to implement right and
they really want to implement right and they really want our help with it so we
they really want our help with it so we
they really want our help with it so we listen we sit there and we listen but
listen we sit there and we listen but
listen we sit there and we listen but eventually because of the slower rate of
eventually because of the slower rate of
eventually because of the slower rate of speech relative to our brains
speech relative to our brains
speech relative to our brains capabilities we actually begin to
capabilities we actually begin to
capabilities we actually begin to subconsciously sidetrack mentally and we
subconsciously sidetrack mentally and we
subconsciously sidetrack mentally and we start to think of things like you know
start to think of things like you know
start to think of things like you know your more recent breakup your friends
your more recent breakup your friends
your more recent breakup your friends your anything really you know just how
your anything really you know just how
your anything really you know just how you were a rockstar work the other day
you were a rockstar work the other day
you were a rockstar work the other day reminding yourself to bring up how you
reminding yourself to bring up how you
reminding yourself to bring up how you almost prevented a company-wide
almost prevented a company-wide
almost prevented a company-wide catastrophe because this is the meeting
catastrophe because this is the meeting
catastrophe because this is the meeting to bring it up whatever it really is we
to bring it up whatever it really is we
to bring it up whatever it really is we can do this for a while okay so we can
can do this for a while okay so we can
can do this for a while okay so we can sort of sidetrack mentally and then come
sort of sidetrack mentally and then come
sort of sidetrack mentally and then come back again to the meeting and then
back again to the meeting and then
back again to the meeting and then sidetrack mentally and then come back to
sidetrack mentally and then come back to
sidetrack mentally and then come back to the meeting again but eventually we
the meeting again but eventually we
the meeting again but eventually we actually end up daydreaming a little bit
actually end up daydreaming a little bit
actually end up daydreaming a little bit longer than we anticipated and as
longer than we anticipated and as
longer than we anticipated and as Nichols and Stevens put it by the end of
Nichols and Stevens put it by the end of
Nichols and Stevens put it by the end of the meeting we have literally almost
the meeting we have literally almost
the meeting we have literally almost missed half of what our boss has tried
missed half of what our boss has tried
missed half of what our boss has tried to illustrate to us on some level I’m a
to illustrate to us on some level I’m a
to illustrate to us on some level I’m a crisis line counselor I spend four hours
crisis line counselor I spend four hours
crisis line counselor I spend four hours on a typical shift talking to people who
on a typical shift talking to people who
on a typical shift talking to people who want to kill themselves I am a student
want to kill themselves I am a student
want to kill themselves I am a student and forever will be I founded a chapter
and forever will be I founded a chapter
and forever will be I founded a chapter of Nami on campus but one thing I’m not
of Nami on campus but one thing I’m not
of Nami on campus but one thing I’m not is a better listener because of any of
is a better listener because of any of
is a better listener because of any of these things really because listening is
these things really because listening is
these things really because listening is actually a choice that we all have to
actually a choice that we all have to
actually a choice that we all have to make on a minute-to-minute second the
make on a minute-to-minute second the
make on a minute-to-minute second the second basis all the time and it’s a
second basis all the time and it’s a
second basis all the time and it’s a choice that we make to actually more
choice that we make to actually more
choice that we make to actually more deeply connect with ourselves while also
deeply connect with ourselves while also
deeply connect with ourselves while also bridging that understanding between one
bridging that understanding between one
bridging that understanding between one another but most importantly true
another but most importantly true
another but most importantly true listening can actually save someone’s
listening can actually save someone’s
listening can actually save someone’s life thank you so much
life thank you so much
life thank you so much you
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