you have to beat a team lift at 6:00 a.m. but you’re accidently one minute
a.m. but you’re accidently one minute
a.m. but you’re accidently one minute late because you slept through your
late because you slept through your
late because you slept through your alarm your heart’s pounding from
alarm your heart’s pounding from
alarm your heart’s pounding from sprinting to the gym but nobody cares
sprinting to the gym but nobody cares
sprinting to the gym but nobody cares that it’s because you were up until 2:00
that it’s because you were up until 2:00
that it’s because you were up until 2:00 a.m. studying for an exam that you still
a.m. studying for an exam that you still
a.m. studying for an exam that you still don’t feel prepared for you can feel the
don’t feel prepared for you can feel the
don’t feel prepared for you can feel the tension between you and your teammates
tension between you and your teammates
tension between you and your teammates who now to run sprints tomorrow at 6
who now to run sprints tomorrow at 6
who now to run sprints tomorrow at 6 a.m. because you were one minute late
a.m. because you were one minute late
a.m. because you were one minute late you start the lift and your mind’s just
you start the lift and your mind’s just
you start the lift and your mind’s just not in the right place but it doesn’t
not in the right place but it doesn’t
not in the right place but it doesn’t matter you have to lift and as soon as
matter you have to lift and as soon as
matter you have to lift and as soon as it’s over you scarf down breakfast on
it’s over you scarf down breakfast on
it’s over you scarf down breakfast on your way to 8:00 a.m. class and you get
your way to 8:00 a.m. class and you get
your way to 8:00 a.m. class and you get there and your hair’s still wet because
there and your hair’s still wet because
there and your hair’s still wet because you didn’t have time to dry it the
you didn’t have time to dry it the
you didn’t have time to dry it the professor looks you and says where’s the
professor looks you and says where’s the
professor looks you and says where’s the homework assignment but you forgot it
homework assignment but you forgot it
homework assignment but you forgot it how could you forget it you are supposed
how could you forget it you are supposed
how could you forget it you are supposed to be on top of everything so you sit
to be on top of everything so you sit
to be on top of everything so you sit there and you worry about what else you
there and you worry about what else you
there and you worry about what else you might have forgot and then noon you get
might have forgot and then noon you get
might have forgot and then noon you get a 30 minute break but it’s not really a
a 30 minute break but it’s not really a
a 30 minute break but it’s not really a break because you use it to quickly make
break because you use it to quickly make
break because you use it to quickly make up an assignment you missed for last
up an assignment you missed for last
up an assignment you missed for last week’s game and soon it’s 12:10 and to
week’s game and soon it’s 12:10 and to
week’s game and soon it’s 12:10 and to you forty minutes does not feel like
you forty minutes does not feel like
you forty minutes does not feel like enough time to get on the court and be
enough time to get on the court and be
enough time to get on the court and be ready even though it actually is see you
ready even though it actually is see you
ready even though it actually is see you head over and it one practice is
head over and it one practice is
head over and it one practice is starting and you have to forget
starting and you have to forget
starting and you have to forget everything that happened in your day
everything that happened in your day
everything that happened in your day because it practice you have to perform
because it practice you have to perform
because it practice you have to perform you can’t not perform there’s someone
you can’t not perform there’s someone
you can’t not perform there’s someone better than you someone competing with
better than you someone competing with
better than you someone competing with you and someone in high school who just
you and someone in high school who just
you and someone in high school who just committed to be you so forget the zero
committed to be you so forget the zero
committed to be you so forget the zero on your assignment
on your assignment
on your assignment forget the test you’re not prepared for
forget the test you’re not prepared for
forget the test you’re not prepared for forget the friends you haven’t seen in
forget the friends you haven’t seen in
forget the friends you haven’t seen in weeks forget the argument you’ve been in
weeks forget the argument you’ve been in
weeks forget the argument you’ve been in with your parent play well pass well
with your parent play well pass well
with your parent play well pass well perform and when it’s finally over you
perform and when it’s finally over you
perform and when it’s finally over you find yourself staring in the locker room
find yourself staring in the locker room
find yourself staring in the locker room mirror trying not to cry and you ask
mirror trying not to cry and you ask
mirror trying not to cry and you ask yourself is this how I’m supposed to
yourself is this how I’m supposed to
yourself is this how I’m supposed to feel my name is Victoria Garrick and I
feel my name is Victoria Garrick and I
feel my name is Victoria Garrick and I play volleyball here at USC I’ve been
play volleyball here at USC I’ve been
play volleyball here at USC I’ve been playing sports my whole life but never
playing sports my whole life but never
playing sports my whole life but never quite like this now in high school I
quite like this now in high school I
quite like this now in high school I didn’t understand mental illness and
didn’t understand mental illness and
didn’t understand mental illness and usually when people say mental illness
usually when people say mental illness
usually when people say mental illness you know people tense up because talking
you know people tense up because talking
you know people tense up because talking about it is uncomfortable you might
about it is uncomfortable you might
about it is uncomfortable you might think oh I’ve heard this before or this
think oh I’ve heard this before or this
think oh I’ve heard this before or this doesn’t affect me those are common
doesn’t affect me those are common
doesn’t affect me those are common thoughts to have I know because I used
thoughts to have I know because I used
thoughts to have I know because I used to think the same things
to think the same things
to think the same things I thought you know depression means you
I thought you know depression means you
I thought you know depression means you have serious family issues or you know
have serious family issues or you know
have serious family issues or you know you’re born with anxiety I just didn’t
you’re born with anxiety I just didn’t
you’re born with anxiety I just didn’t get it because it’s hard to understand
get it because it’s hard to understand
get it because it’s hard to understand something you can’t see or touch so when
something you can’t see or touch so when
something you can’t see or touch so when I got to college and began my career as
I got to college and began my career as
I got to college and began my career as a division 1 athlete I never thought I
a division 1 athlete I never thought I
a division 1 athlete I never thought I would struggle with these issues now I
would struggle with these issues now I
would struggle with these issues now I can’t be the only athlete here and we
can’t be the only athlete here and we
can’t be the only athlete here and we definitely probably have some soul
definitely probably have some soul
definitely probably have some soul cyclers some neighborhood joggers so if
cyclers some neighborhood joggers so if
cyclers some neighborhood joggers so if you’ve ever you know had an injury torn
you’ve ever you know had an injury torn
you’ve ever you know had an injury torn a ligament sprained an ankle I just want
a ligament sprained an ankle I just want
a ligament sprained an ankle I just want you to raise your hand all right awesome
you to raise your hand all right awesome
you to raise your hand all right awesome that’s like most of the room it’s pretty
that’s like most of the room it’s pretty
that’s like most of the room it’s pretty common now I want you to raise your hand
common now I want you to raise your hand
common now I want you to raise your hand if you’ve ever had depression or anxiety
you can put your hands down did you feel
you can put your hands down did you feel almost that tension or like that
almost that tension or like that
almost that tension or like that awkwardness we just created together did
awkwardness we just created together did
awkwardness we just created together did you maybe judge someone who raised their
you maybe judge someone who raised their
you maybe judge someone who raised their hand or were you afraid to raise your
hand or were you afraid to raise your
hand or were you afraid to raise your own hands because of what people might
own hands because of what people might
own hands because of what people might think one in four people suffer from a
think one in four people suffer from a
think one in four people suffer from a mental health issue which is 25% of this
mental health issue which is 25% of this
mental health issue which is 25% of this room right now what we just experienced
room right now what we just experienced
room right now what we just experienced together was a room full of people
together was a room full of people
together was a room full of people stigmatizing mental health dr. Jeffrey
stigmatizing mental health dr. Jeffrey
stigmatizing mental health dr. Jeffrey Jeffrey Lieberman defined stigma as
Jeffrey Lieberman defined stigma as
Jeffrey Lieberman defined stigma as dishonor or disgrace he says it’s like
dishonor or disgrace he says it’s like
dishonor or disgrace he says it’s like the Scarlet a that Hester Prynne is
the Scarlet a that Hester Prynne is
the Scarlet a that Hester Prynne is forced to wear or the mark on Cain in
forced to wear or the mark on Cain in
forced to wear or the mark on Cain in the Bible it’s this label that outcasts
the Bible it’s this label that outcasts
the Bible it’s this label that outcasts you from everyone else we stigmatize
you from everyone else we stigmatize
you from everyone else we stigmatize mental health in this same way and
mental health in this same way and
mental health in this same way and that’s a societal issue that needs to
that’s a societal issue that needs to
that’s a societal issue that needs to change
change
change and while anyone can experience a mental
and while anyone can experience a mental
and while anyone can experience a mental health issue today I’m going to talk
health issue today I’m going to talk
health issue today I’m going to talk about mental health specifically in
about mental health specifically in
about mental health specifically in athletes because I have faced anxiety
athletes because I have faced anxiety
athletes because I have faced anxiety and depression through my experiences as
and depression through my experiences as
and depression through my experiences as an athlete so let me tell you a little
an athlete so let me tell you a little
an athlete so let me tell you a little bit about me when I first got to the USC
bit about me when I first got to the USC
bit about me when I first got to the USC volleyball team I was overjoyed let me
volleyball team I was overjoyed let me
volleyball team I was overjoyed let me preface this by saying I was not a top
preface this by saying I was not a top
preface this by saying I was not a top recruit okay I was not called by ton to
recruit okay I was not called by ton to
recruit okay I was not called by ton to Division one schools but USC was my
Division one schools but USC was my
Division one schools but USC was my dream scenario and I wanted it so bad
dream scenario and I wanted it so bad
dream scenario and I wanted it so bad and I knew I was good enough despite
and I knew I was good enough despite
and I knew I was good enough despite what anyone else told me so I emailed
what anyone else told me so I emailed
what anyone else told me so I emailed these coaches every day I called them
these coaches every day I called them
these coaches every day I called them every week I went in for extra reps in
every week I went in for extra reps in
every week I went in for extra reps in high school I sent them videos I called
high school I sent them videos I called
high school I sent them videos I called again until they were like okay
again until they were like okay
again until they were like okay you can walk on just like stop
you can walk on just like stop
you can walk on just like stop contacting us so eventually I got my
contacting us so eventually I got my
contacting us so eventually I got my spot but still these USC coaches did not
spot but still these USC coaches did not
spot but still these USC coaches did not think I would play one point but I had
think I would play one point but I had
think I would play one point but I had this fire this zest for competition and
this fire this zest for competition and
this fire this zest for competition and I didn’t care that I didn’t have the
I didn’t care that I didn’t have the
I didn’t care that I didn’t have the accolades that the other girls did so I
accolades that the other girls did so I
accolades that the other girls did so I kept working hard against all odds my
kept working hard against all odds my
kept working hard against all odds my freshman season I started and played in
freshman season I started and played in
freshman season I started and played in every single pac-12 match and we won the
every single pac-12 match and we won the
every single pac-12 match and we won the championship that’s me on the left right
championship that’s me on the left right
championship that’s me on the left right there and what happened was there was
there and what happened was there was
there and what happened was there was this girl who wasn’t supposed to do
this girl who wasn’t supposed to do
this girl who wasn’t supposed to do anything who now has a role on what at
anything who now has a role on what at
anything who now has a role on what at the time was the number one team in the
the time was the number one team in the
the time was the number one team in the nation mentally I started on this high
nation mentally I started on this high
nation mentally I started on this high right because I was living my dream but
right because I was living my dream but
right because I was living my dream but all of a sudden I began to feel
all of a sudden I began to feel
all of a sudden I began to feel differently I became anxious more
differently I became anxious more
differently I became anxious more anxious than I’d ever felt before
anxious than I’d ever felt before
anxious than I’d ever felt before I have five alarms to make sure I was
I have five alarms to make sure I was
I have five alarms to make sure I was never late but I never even used the
never late but I never even used the
never late but I never even used the five alarms because I woke up at 7:15
five alarms because I woke up at 7:15
five alarms because I woke up at 7:15 anyways due to my anxiety over being
anyways due to my anxiety over being
anyways due to my anxiety over being late and I worried about my athletic
late and I worried about my athletic
late and I worried about my athletic performance constantly on game days I
performance constantly on game days I
performance constantly on game days I worried what if I don’t play well
worried what if I don’t play well
worried what if I don’t play well tonight what if the coaches benched me
tonight what if the coaches benched me
tonight what if the coaches benched me what if my passing sucks what if I
what if my passing sucks what if I
what if my passing sucks what if I didn’t study the Scout enough there were
didn’t study the Scout enough there were
didn’t study the Scout enough there were times I would feel this knot in my
times I would feel this knot in my
times I would feel this knot in my stomach and my skin start to crawl and
stomach and my skin start to crawl and
stomach and my skin start to crawl and my hands start to shake and I as well
my hands start to shake and I as well
my hands start to shake and I as well with tears because I was so afraid to
with tears because I was so afraid to
with tears because I was so afraid to play and make a mistake because at an
play and make a mistake because at an
play and make a mistake because at an elite level mistakes are costly and on
elite level mistakes are costly and on
elite level mistakes are costly and on top of it I had school and exams and
top of it I had school and exams and
top of it I had school and exams and family in a social life and I couldn’t
family in a social life and I couldn’t
family in a social life and I couldn’t handle everything coming at me so fast
handle everything coming at me so fast
handle everything coming at me so fast and just piling up at one time I want to
and just piling up at one time I want to
and just piling up at one time I want to take a second though to show you guys
take a second though to show you guys
take a second though to show you guys how this happened to me because to be
how this happened to me because to be
how this happened to me because to be ironic it is easier to understand
ironic it is easier to understand
ironic it is easier to understand something when you can see it so we’re
something when you can see it so we’re
something when you can see it so we’re gonna look at a typical week in my life
gonna look at a typical week in my life
gonna look at a typical week in my life I’m gonna disclaimer this wasn’t
I’m gonna disclaimer this wasn’t
I’m gonna disclaimer this wasn’t intended to be funny but as I wrote my
intended to be funny but as I wrote my
intended to be funny but as I wrote my talk I realized how much of a joke my
talk I realized how much of a joke my
talk I realized how much of a joke my schedule is so I had some fun with it so
schedule is so I had some fun with it so
schedule is so I had some fun with it so if you like to make light of a tragic
if you like to make light of a tragic
if you like to make light of a tragic situation like me you’re going to enjoy
situation like me you’re going to enjoy
situation like me you’re going to enjoy this if not bear with me I have 16 units
this if not bear with me I have 16 units
this if not bear with me I have 16 units of class lets out a nice fat 5 our
of class lets out a nice fat 5 our
of class lets out a nice fat 5 our practice block
practice block
practice block then I have required tutoring maybe time
then I have required tutoring maybe time
then I have required tutoring maybe time to eat because I’m a human who does that
to eat because I’m a human who does that
to eat because I’m a human who does that sometimes
sometimes
sometimes also I need office hours probably with a
also I need office hours probably with a
also I need office hours probably with a professor who thinks his class is the
professor who thinks his class is the
professor who thinks his class is the only thing I have to do in my life then
only thing I have to do in my life then
only thing I have to do in my life then I have an exam which I probably only
I have an exam which I probably only
I have an exam which I probably only know 20% of so I’m gonna block out time
know 20% of so I’m gonna block out time
know 20% of so I’m gonna block out time to study in a really master that 20% on
to study in a really master that 20% on
to study in a really master that 20% on top of all my other homework and oops
top of all my other homework and oops
top of all my other homework and oops maybe I have 6 a.m. running because my
maybe I have 6 a.m. running because my
maybe I have 6 a.m. running because my teammates going through the same stuff I
teammates going through the same stuff I
teammates going through the same stuff I am and she was late one day but don’t
am and she was late one day but don’t
am and she was late one day but don’t forget games on Friday and Sunday out of
forget games on Friday and Sunday out of
forget games on Friday and Sunday out of state so now I’m missing these days of
state so now I’m missing these days of
state so now I’m missing these days of class for travel secretly I’m kind of
class for travel secretly I’m kind of
class for travel secretly I’m kind of excited I’m missing class but the
excited I’m missing class but the
excited I’m missing class but the logical part of me is like what am I
logical part of me is like what am I
logical part of me is like what am I going to find to him the time to make up
going to find to him the time to make up
going to find to him the time to make up that work because pregame warmup starts
that work because pregame warmup starts
that work because pregame warmup starts not one not two not three but a whopping
not one not two not three but a whopping
not one not two not three but a whopping four hours before the game so if you
four hours before the game so if you
four hours before the game so if you thought I’d have time to make it up I
thought I’d have time to make it up I
thought I’d have time to make it up I actually don’t and then it all restarts
actually don’t and then it all restarts
actually don’t and then it all restarts when I hop off my plane bright and early
when I hop off my plane bright and early
when I hop off my plane bright and early to do it all again and in the little
to do it all again and in the little
to do it all again and in the little time I have left um I like to cry and
time I have left um I like to cry and
time I have left um I like to cry and misery I wish I was kidding but if you
misery I wish I was kidding but if you
misery I wish I was kidding but if you look at the schedule in all seriousness
look at the schedule in all seriousness
look at the schedule in all seriousness you can see how this can overpower
you can see how this can overpower
you can see how this can overpower anyone it could overpower one of you all
anyone it could overpower one of you all
anyone it could overpower one of you all of a sudden I was thinking about what I
of a sudden I was thinking about what I
of a sudden I was thinking about what I have to do next what I can’t be late for
have to do next what I can’t be late for
have to do next what I can’t be late for what I can’t miss what could go wrong
what I can’t miss what could go wrong
what I can’t miss what could go wrong and it just kind of drove me off the
and it just kind of drove me off the
and it just kind of drove me off the wall and because I didn’t have think I
wall and because I didn’t have think I
wall and because I didn’t have think I could have any of these illnesses
could have any of these illnesses
could have any of these illnesses because I was an athlete I battled
because I was an athlete I battled
because I was an athlete I battled depression for half a year without even
depression for half a year without even
depression for half a year without even knowing I was when I first became really
knowing I was when I first became really
knowing I was when I first became really unhappy it was in August and I didn’t
unhappy it was in August and I didn’t
unhappy it was in August and I didn’t know how to describe it every morning I
know how to describe it every morning I
know how to describe it every morning I woke up I immediately despised the day
woke up I immediately despised the day
woke up I immediately despised the day um I didn’t have the energy I didn’t
um I didn’t have the energy I didn’t
um I didn’t have the energy I didn’t want to go anywhere I didn’t want to see
want to go anywhere I didn’t want to see
want to go anywhere I didn’t want to see anyone or do anything at practice I just
anyone or do anything at practice I just
anyone or do anything at practice I just went through the motions I woke up I
went through the motions I woke up I
went through the motions I woke up I went to the practice block for five
went to the practice block for five
went to the practice block for five hours and I went to sleep and I did that
hours and I went to sleep and I did that
hours and I went to sleep and I did that again and again and again I was just
again and again and again I was just
again and again and again I was just depleted completely and utterly drained
depleted completely and utterly drained
depleted completely and utterly drained and do you know how much energy it takes
and do you know how much energy it takes
and do you know how much energy it takes day in and day out to not even succeed
day in and day out to not even succeed
day in and day out to not even succeed but just get by as a student-athlete
but just get by as a student-athlete
but just get by as a student-athlete it’s exhausting and I told myself you
it’s exhausting and I told myself you
it’s exhausting and I told myself you can’t feel this way Victoria you have
can’t feel this way Victoria you have
can’t feel this way Victoria you have nothing to feel sad about you’re
nothing to feel sad about you’re
nothing to feel sad about you’re starting you have a great family you
starting you have a great family you
starting you have a great family you have good friends and I was confused
have good friends and I was confused
have good friends and I was confused because I was known to always be the
because I was known to always be the
because I was known to always be the most energetic the most bubbly and
most energetic the most bubbly and
most energetic the most bubbly and talkative and always happy
talkative and always happy
talkative and always happy so I said put on this face and just fake
so I said put on this face and just fake
so I said put on this face and just fake it but after a while I couldn’t fake it
it but after a while I couldn’t fake it
it but after a while I couldn’t fake it I began to see a psychologist once a
I began to see a psychologist once a
I began to see a psychologist once a weekend that was weird
weekend that was weird
weekend that was weird being honest you know the first time I
being honest you know the first time I
being honest you know the first time I walked into the waiting room I was like
walked into the waiting room I was like
walked into the waiting room I was like oh my god I’m one of those people now
oh my god I’m one of those people now
oh my god I’m one of those people now like I have a therapist you know you
like I have a therapist you know you
like I have a therapist you know you imagine like there goes that voice
imagine like there goes that voice
imagine like there goes that voice stigmatizing mental health like
stigmatizing mental health like
stigmatizing mental health like therapies for weirdos I thought I’d like
therapies for weirdos I thought I’d like
therapies for weirdos I thought I’d like walk in and there’d be like this big
walk in and there’d be like this big
walk in and there’d be like this big yellow couch and like this box of
yellow couch and like this box of
yellow couch and like this box of tissues and they’d say like tell me your
tissues and they’d say like tell me your
tissues and they’d say like tell me your darkest secrets but like it’s not like
darkest secrets but like it’s not like
darkest secrets but like it’s not like that it was actually very helpful so
that it was actually very helpful so
that it was actually very helpful so after a while of seeing her she
after a while of seeing her she
after a while of seeing her she suggested I try medicine antidepressants
suggested I try medicine antidepressants
suggested I try medicine antidepressants and I was immediately like what it’s
and I was immediately like what it’s
and I was immediately like what it’s like when you’ve been dating someone for
like when you’ve been dating someone for
like when you’ve been dating someone for a while and they say I want you to meet
a while and they say I want you to meet
a while and they say I want you to meet my parents and you’re like this is too
my parents and you’re like this is too
my parents and you’re like this is too serious now
serious now
serious now so naturally I refused the meds but of
so naturally I refused the meds but of
so naturally I refused the meds but of course my depression depression worsened
course my depression depression worsened
course my depression depression worsened I realized it wasn’t something I could
I realized it wasn’t something I could
I realized it wasn’t something I could just eat a tub of ice cream over cry and
just eat a tub of ice cream over cry and
just eat a tub of ice cream over cry and be fine the next day the neuro chemicals
be fine the next day the neuro chemicals
be fine the next day the neuro chemicals in my brain we’re literally not
in my brain we’re literally not
in my brain we’re literally not producing the way they once were
producing the way they once were
producing the way they once were and my serotonin levels were no longer
and my serotonin levels were no longer
and my serotonin levels were no longer high enough to keep my mood where it
high enough to keep my mood where it
high enough to keep my mood where it once was what I used to not be able to
once was what I used to not be able to
once was what I used to not be able to describe I could formulate into words
describe I could formulate into words
describe I could formulate into words I had this dark cloud over my head
I had this dark cloud over my head
I had this dark cloud over my head and it followed me everywhere it was
and it followed me everywhere it was
and it followed me everywhere it was there when I woke up it was there when I
there when I woke up it was there when I
there when I woke up it was there when I went to sleep it was there in practice
went to sleep it was there in practice
went to sleep it was there in practice every day passing balls and you know how
every day passing balls and you know how
every day passing balls and you know how hard that is when you have to be good at
hard that is when you have to be good at
hard that is when you have to be good at your craft every single day and all you
your craft every single day and all you
your craft every single day and all you want to do is lay into a ball and just
want to do is lay into a ball and just
want to do is lay into a ball and just cry I remember times during water breaks
cry I remember times during water breaks
cry I remember times during water breaks I would run to the bathroom and just saw
I would run to the bathroom and just saw
I would run to the bathroom and just saw because for five seconds I wanted my day
because for five seconds I wanted my day
because for five seconds I wanted my day to stop I never got to a point of
to stop I never got to a point of
to stop I never got to a point of self-harm fortunately and
self-harm fortunately and
self-harm fortunately and I never put myself in actual danger but
I never put myself in actual danger but
I never put myself in actual danger but I can remember a few times that I was
I can remember a few times that I was
I can remember a few times that I was biking and I thought you know if this
biking and I thought you know if this
biking and I thought you know if this car accidentally hit me that would stop
car accidentally hit me that would stop
car accidentally hit me that would stop my week that would give me the break I
my week that would give me the break I
my week that would give me the break I so badly need I want to show you some
so badly need I want to show you some
so badly need I want to show you some pictures that I posted during this time
pictures that I posted during this time
pictures that I posted during this time in my life what do we think of these
in my life what do we think of these
in my life what do we think of these just look at them
just look at them
just look at them Here I am with my friends at the party
Here I am with my friends at the party
Here I am with my friends at the party there we are looking cute and
there we are looking cute and
there we are looking cute and Christmassy over the right we’re
Christmassy over the right we’re
Christmassy over the right we’re celebrating I look happy right because
celebrating I look happy right because
celebrating I look happy right because no one posts what they don’t want you to
no one posts what they don’t want you to
no one posts what they don’t want you to see this photo on the left I was at that
see this photo on the left I was at that
see this photo on the left I was at that party for probably 20 minutes before I
party for probably 20 minutes before I
party for probably 20 minutes before I was so overwhelmed with all the people
was so overwhelmed with all the people
was so overwhelmed with all the people around me that I snuck out the back and
around me that I snuck out the back and
around me that I snuck out the back and went home alone I know my friend of the
went home alone I know my friend of the
went home alone I know my friend of the picture texted me and said hey where you
picture texted me and said hey where you
picture texted me and said hey where you go I lied so I ran into someone the
go I lied so I ran into someone the
go I lied so I ran into someone the photo in the middle we took like 50
photo in the middle we took like 50
photo in the middle we took like 50 pictures that night to find one that I
pictures that night to find one that I
pictures that night to find one that I deemed pretty enough to post on my
deemed pretty enough to post on my
deemed pretty enough to post on my Instagram completely staged and the one
Instagram completely staged and the one
Instagram completely staged and the one on the right I spent that night crying I
on the right I spent that night crying I
on the right I spent that night crying I was trying so hard to portray this life
was trying so hard to portray this life
was trying so hard to portray this life that I so badly felt I needed to have
that I so badly felt I needed to have
that I so badly felt I needed to have and this is a problem with so many
and this is a problem with so many
and this is a problem with so many people my age not just because of
people my age not just because of
people my age not just because of depression but because our culture has
depression but because our culture has
depression but because our culture has created this belief that we need to be
created this belief that we need to be
created this belief that we need to be achieving all the time in order to be
achieving all the time in order to be
achieving all the time in order to be happy
happy
happy right look what internship she got look
right look what internship she got look
right look what internship she got look what trip he went on it doesn’t stop
what trip he went on it doesn’t stop
what trip he went on it doesn’t stop this constant scrolling of people who
this constant scrolling of people who
this constant scrolling of people who look like they’re doing so so well that
look like they’re doing so so well that
look like they’re doing so so well that you sit back and say to yourself well
you sit back and say to yourself well
you sit back and say to yourself well what am i doing what do I look like why
what am i doing what do I look like why
what am i doing what do I look like why don’t I look like her it’s this flawed
don’t I look like her it’s this flawed
don’t I look like her it’s this flawed notion that says you need to be
notion that says you need to be
notion that says you need to be achieving to be happy and be valued if
achieving to be happy and be valued if
achieving to be happy and be valued if I’m on the USC volleyball team I’ll be
I’m on the USC volleyball team I’ll be
I’m on the USC volleyball team I’ll be valued if I get this job I’ll be happy
at this point you’re probably thinking
at this point you’re probably thinking why don’t you quit I’m not on
why don’t you quit I’m not on
why don’t you quit I’m not on scholarship I could just quit why don’t
scholarship I could just quit why don’t
scholarship I could just quit why don’t I just stop doing that I don’t quit
I just stop doing that I don’t quit
I just stop doing that I don’t quit because volleyball is Who I am it’s not
because volleyball is Who I am it’s not
because volleyball is Who I am it’s not a hobby or something I do on the side
a hobby or something I do on the side
a hobby or something I do on the side it’s my life like most athletes and what
it’s my life like most athletes and what
it’s my life like most athletes and what that means
that means
that means is I have to learn how to manage my
is I have to learn how to manage my
is I have to learn how to manage my lifestyle because I have two more years
lifestyle because I have two more years
lifestyle because I have two more years left and you better bet I want to win a
left and you better bet I want to win a
left and you better bet I want to win a championship I have major depressive
championship I have major depressive
championship I have major depressive disorder single episode with anxious
disorder single episode with anxious
disorder single episode with anxious features I see my therapist now I take
features I see my therapist now I take
features I see my therapist now I take medicine I practice positive thinking I
medicine I practice positive thinking I
medicine I practice positive thinking I try to be authentic on social media into
try to be authentic on social media into
try to be authentic on social media into people but the biggest thing that stood
people but the biggest thing that stood
people but the biggest thing that stood with me is I sat back and assessed at
with me is I sat back and assessed at
with me is I sat back and assessed at all and I thought why why did it take me
all and I thought why why did it take me
all and I thought why why did it take me so long to acknowledge and accept my
so long to acknowledge and accept my
so long to acknowledge and accept my illness and I realized the culture that
illness and I realized the culture that
illness and I realized the culture that we live in is athletes does not make it
we live in is athletes does not make it
we live in is athletes does not make it easy for us to honor this if you think
easy for us to honor this if you think
easy for us to honor this if you think about it the culture of athletics
about it the culture of athletics
about it the culture of athletics preaches where there’s a will there’s a
preaches where there’s a will there’s a
preaches where there’s a will there’s a way
way
way the best don’t rest unless you puke
the best don’t rest unless you puke
the best don’t rest unless you puke faint or die keep going mental illness
faint or die keep going mental illness
faint or die keep going mental illness is associated with weakness to appear
is associated with weakness to appear
is associated with weakness to appear weak is the last thing an athlete wants
weak is the last thing an athlete wants
weak is the last thing an athlete wants and we’re always hearing about the grind
and we’re always hearing about the grind
and we’re always hearing about the grind right it’s about the grind even if
right it’s about the grind even if
right it’s about the grind even if you’re not an athlete I mean you’ve
you’re not an athlete I mean you’ve
you’re not an athlete I mean you’ve heard about the grind to me it means
heard about the grind to me it means
heard about the grind to me it means when you just feel like you can’t do
when you just feel like you can’t do
when you just feel like you can’t do something but you do it when your thighs
something but you do it when your thighs
something but you do it when your thighs are burning and you’re sweating bullets
are burning and you’re sweating bullets
are burning and you’re sweating bullets you run one more sprint when it’s the
you run one more sprint when it’s the
you run one more sprint when it’s the fifth set and you just feel like you
fifth set and you just feel like you
fifth set and you just feel like you can’t do it anymore but you go dig ten
can’t do it anymore but you go dig ten
can’t do it anymore but you go dig ten more balls like that’s the grind but
more balls like that’s the grind but
more balls like that’s the grind but being a part of this culture makes it so
being a part of this culture makes it so
being a part of this culture makes it so hard for athletes to differentiate
hard for athletes to differentiate
hard for athletes to differentiate between what is hard work and what is
between what is hard work and what is
between what is hard work and what is pushing yourself too far what happens
pushing yourself too far what happens
pushing yourself too far what happens when this push through your workout
when this push through your workout
when this push through your workout becomes a push through a conversation a
becomes a push through a conversation a
becomes a push through a conversation a push through a day and all of a sudden a
push through a day and all of a sudden a
push through a day and all of a sudden a push through your life I know what the
push through your life I know what the
push through your life I know what the grind is I’ve started on this team for
grind is I’ve started on this team for
grind is I’ve started on this team for two years competing with girls who were
two years competing with girls who were
two years competing with girls who were supposed to blow me out of the gym and
supposed to blow me out of the gym and
supposed to blow me out of the gym and that’s why it was so hard for me to
that’s why it was so hard for me to
that’s why it was so hard for me to honor what I was going through I was in
honor what I was going through I was in
honor what I was going through I was in practice thinking I don’t want to be
practice thinking I don’t want to be
practice thinking I don’t want to be here today I just want to go home and
here today I just want to go home and
here today I just want to go home and rest
rest
rest and I said Victoria the gold er left
and I said Victoria the gold er left
and I said Victoria the gold er left she’s here she’s working hard she must
she’s here she’s working hard she must
she’s here she’s working hard she must want more than you you don’t deserve to
want more than you you don’t deserve to
want more than you you don’t deserve to be here if you’re not going to work hard
be here if you’re not going to work hard
be here if you’re not going to work hard I told myself I was weak for wanting a
I told myself I was weak for wanting a
I told myself I was weak for wanting a break and this is so true across all
break and this is so true across all
break and this is so true across all athletes because the stigma makes it so
athletes because the stigma makes it so
athletes because the stigma makes it so hard for us to come forward
did you know that Serena Williams and
did you know that Serena Williams and Terry Bradshaw have had depression
Terry Bradshaw have had depression
Terry Bradshaw have had depression Serena Williams she’s a legend okay she
Serena Williams she’s a legend okay she
Serena Williams she’s a legend okay she spent the world’s number-one female
spent the world’s number-one female
spent the world’s number-one female tennis player seven different times and
tennis player seven different times and
tennis player seven different times and even someone like her can struggle with
even someone like her can struggle with
even someone like her can struggle with these issues but that’s just stuff
these issues but that’s just stuff
these issues but that’s just stuff people aren’t realizing let’s look at
people aren’t realizing let’s look at
people aren’t realizing let’s look at concussions for example in 1933 the
concussions for example in 1933 the
concussions for example in 1933 the n-c-double-a Medical handbook said
n-c-double-a Medical handbook said
n-c-double-a Medical handbook said concussions shouldn’t be regarded too
concussions shouldn’t be regarded too
concussions shouldn’t be regarded too lightly in 1952 the New England Journal
lightly in 1952 the New England Journal
lightly in 1952 the New England Journal of Medicine said players who’ve suffered
of Medicine said players who’ve suffered
of Medicine said players who’ve suffered multiple concussions should stop playing
multiple concussions should stop playing
multiple concussions should stop playing football not until 70 years later in
football not until 70 years later in
football not until 70 years later in 2009 did the NFL even acknowledge
2009 did the NFL even acknowledge
2009 did the NFL even acknowledge publicly that concussions can have long
publicly that concussions can have long
publicly that concussions can have long lasting effects on players so we’re
lasting effects on players so we’re
lasting effects on players so we’re looking at something here where 20 years
looking at something here where 20 years
looking at something here where 20 years ago nobody cared nobody cared about
ago nobody cared nobody cared about
ago nobody cared nobody cared about concussions you think yeah banging your
concussions you think yeah banging your
concussions you think yeah banging your head together probably not safe no
head together probably not safe no
head together probably not safe no players we’re told tough it out if your
players we’re told tough it out if your
players we’re told tough it out if your head hurts the way we’re treating mental
head hurts the way we’re treating mental
head hurts the way we’re treating mental illness today is so similar to the way
illness today is so similar to the way
illness today is so similar to the way we treated concussions 20 years ago
we treated concussions 20 years ago
we treated concussions 20 years ago oh this athletes feeling depressed sleep
oh this athletes feeling depressed sleep
oh this athletes feeling depressed sleep it off
it off
it off oh that athletes having an anxiety
oh that athletes having an anxiety
oh that athletes having an anxiety attack tell them to calm down we need to
attack tell them to calm down we need to
attack tell them to calm down we need to make a change societally to make people
make a change societally to make people
make a change societally to make people care this much about mental health
care this much about mental health
care this much about mental health because I’ll tell you this right now a
because I’ll tell you this right now a
because I’ll tell you this right now a physical injury is treated more serious
physical injury is treated more serious
physical injury is treated more serious in a psychological injury and that needs
in a psychological injury and that needs
in a psychological injury and that needs to change I could easily get the day off
to change I could easily get the day off
to change I could easily get the day off for a physical injury right because I’m
for a physical injury right because I’m
for a physical injury right because I’m limping you can see my ankle swelling
limping you can see my ankle swelling
limping you can see my ankle swelling but for an athlete to say I’ve been
but for an athlete to say I’ve been
but for an athlete to say I’ve been feeling depressed this week or I had
feeling depressed this week or I had
feeling depressed this week or I had insomnia Oh insomnia because of my
insomnia Oh insomnia because of my
insomnia Oh insomnia because of my anxiety you’re just looked down upon and
anxiety you’re just looked down upon and
anxiety you’re just looked down upon and at this level no one wants to miss
at this level no one wants to miss
at this level no one wants to miss practice I mean that sets me behind the
practice I mean that sets me behind the
practice I mean that sets me behind the competition behind on my team but when
competition behind on my team but when
competition behind on my team but when the trainer can see you’re injured they
the trainer can see you’re injured they
the trainer can see you’re injured they make you sit out because they can see
make you sit out because they can see
make you sit out because they can see your physical health is at stake but
your physical health is at stake but
your physical health is at stake but when no one can see your mental health
when no one can see your mental health
when no one can see your mental health it’s just up to you to decide and
it’s just up to you to decide and
it’s just up to you to decide and someone like me who hates not being
someone like me who hates not being
someone like me who hates not being there my team will tell you this I hate
there my team will tell you this I hate
there my team will tell you this I hate not being there when they’re sprinting
not being there when they’re sprinting
not being there when they’re sprinting without me and I’m injured it kills me
without me and I’m injured it kills me
without me and I’m injured it kills me so for me to walk up to them and say I
so for me to walk up to them and say I
so for me to walk up to them and say I have a completely uninjured
have a completely uninjured
have a completely uninjured and you can’t see it but I’m not well
and you can’t see it but I’m not well
and you can’t see it but I’m not well and I need to rest today is so hard to
and I need to rest today is so hard to
and I need to rest today is so hard to do and with everything I’ve been through
do and with everything I’ve been through
do and with everything I’ve been through I’ve only done that once I’m here today
I’ve only done that once I’m here today
I’ve only done that once I’m here today for a greater population
for a greater population
for a greater population a silent population of athletes who
a silent population of athletes who
a silent population of athletes who thinks will be viewed as lesser doesn’t
thinks will be viewed as lesser doesn’t
thinks will be viewed as lesser doesn’t have the courage to come forward or
have the courage to come forward or
have the courage to come forward or doesn’t know that they can be a strong
doesn’t know that they can be a strong
doesn’t know that they can be a strong competitive elite athlete and have a
competitive elite athlete and have a
competitive elite athlete and have a mental health issue in 2015 the
mental health issue in 2015 the
mental health issue in 2015 the n-c-double-a conducted a survey they
n-c-double-a conducted a survey they
n-c-double-a conducted a survey they found that out of 2,100 athletes 30%
found that out of 2,100 athletes 30%
found that out of 2,100 athletes 30% reported they were intractably
reported they were intractably
reported they were intractably overwhelmed on depression and anxiety
overwhelmed on depression and anxiety
overwhelmed on depression and anxiety they said they’ve seen a general
they said they’ve seen a general
they said they’ve seen a general increase this is two years old this
increase this is two years old this
increase this is two years old this should be recorded every season if not
should be recorded every season if not
should be recorded every season if not every year and they do not even give us
every year and they do not even give us
every year and they do not even give us numbers on depression and anxiety and
numbers on depression and anxiety and
numbers on depression and anxiety and this is the most recent survey the
this is the most recent survey the
this is the most recent survey the n-c-double-a has done it infuriates me
n-c-double-a has done it infuriates me
n-c-double-a has done it infuriates me that’s something so serious is being so
that’s something so serious is being so
that’s something so serious is being so clearly disregarded I did my own survey
clearly disregarded I did my own survey
clearly disregarded I did my own survey to show you guys that this is an
to show you guys that this is an
to show you guys that this is an epidemic I surveyed 100 men and women
epidemic I surveyed 100 men and women
epidemic I surveyed 100 men and women from Division one schools like Stanford
from Division one schools like Stanford
from Division one schools like Stanford Oregon Washington UCLA you name it and
Oregon Washington UCLA you name it and
Oregon Washington UCLA you name it and this is what I found when asked if
this is what I found when asked if
this is what I found when asked if they’d ever experienced in terms of
they’d ever experienced in terms of
they’d ever experienced in terms of depression or anxiety 69 percent said
depression or anxiety 69 percent said
depression or anxiety 69 percent said yes the statistic I gave you in the
yes the statistic I gave you in the
yes the statistic I gave you in the beginning was 25 when asked if they
beginning was 25 when asked if they
beginning was 25 when asked if they think the amount of time they need to
think the amount of time they need to
think the amount of time they need to spend on their sport is too much more
spend on their sport is too much more
spend on their sport is too much more than half said yes almost at 90% and the
than half said yes almost at 90% and the
than half said yes almost at 90% and the next one honestly
next one honestly
next one honestly devastated me when the results came in
devastated me when the results came in
devastated me when the results came in and it kept me up for a few days I asked
and it kept me up for a few days I asked
and it kept me up for a few days I asked them have you ever felt you experienced
them have you ever felt you experienced
them have you ever felt you experienced anxiety depression or an eating disorder
anxiety depression or an eating disorder
anxiety depression or an eating disorder but we’re too afraid to tell anyone more
but we’re too afraid to tell anyone more
but we’re too afraid to tell anyone more than half
than half
than half that means those athletes today are
that means those athletes today are
that means those athletes today are somewhere and no one knows that they’re
somewhere and no one knows that they’re
somewhere and no one knows that they’re struggling and about 80% agree with me
struggling and about 80% agree with me
struggling and about 80% agree with me that this topic is neglected throughout
that this topic is neglected throughout
that this topic is neglected throughout society my university gives me free
society my university gives me free
society my university gives me free medicine and free therapy and for that I
medicine and free therapy and for that I
medicine and free therapy and for that I am so grateful but so many other
am so grateful but so many other
am so grateful but so many other athletes like me don’t get that
athletes like me don’t get that
athletes like me don’t get that opportunity because this issue is
opportunity because this issue is
opportunity because this issue is underrated and they don’t have the funds
underrated and they don’t have the funds
underrated and they don’t have the funds due to the extreme time demands and the
due to the extreme time demands and the
due to the extreme time demands and the and the pressure that we athletes feel
and the pressure that we athletes feel
and the pressure that we athletes feel we need to make we need to just be very
we need to make we need to just be very
we need to make we need to just be very aware of how athletes are feeling across
aware of how athletes are feeling across
aware of how athletes are feeling across the country and consistently be
the country and consistently be
the country and consistently be evaluating them and athletes need to be
evaluating them and athletes need to be
evaluating them and athletes need to be aware of their mental health so that
aware of their mental health so that
aware of their mental health so that they can learn how to manage this
they can learn how to manage this
they can learn how to manage this lifestyle I love my team they are
lifestyle I love my team they are
lifestyle I love my team they are special girls and I love the sport of
special girls and I love the sport of
special girls and I love the sport of volleyball that’s why I can’t let it go
but as I continue my next two years I
but as I continue my next two years I hope that I hear this conversation get
hope that I hear this conversation get
hope that I hear this conversation get louder
louder
louder I hope mental health stops being
I hope mental health stops being
I hope mental health stops being stigmatized for all people and I hope
stigmatized for all people and I hope
stigmatized for all people and I hope that one day a person like me can get on
that one day a person like me can get on
that one day a person like me can get on this stage ask a question about mental
this stage ask a question about mental
this stage ask a question about mental health and no one will think twice about
health and no one will think twice about
health and no one will think twice about raising their hand thank you
raising their hand thank you
raising their hand thank you [Applause]
”
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