so the earliest memory I have being associated with an eating disorder was
associated with an eating disorder was
associated with an eating disorder was in 1st or 2nd grade I don’t think I ever
in 1st or 2nd grade I don’t think I ever
in 1st or 2nd grade I don’t think I ever really took my own body into account but
really took my own body into account but
really took my own body into account but it was when the other kids started to
it was when the other kids started to
it was when the other kids started to tell me that I was ugly and anorexic
tell me that I was ugly and anorexic
tell me that I was ugly and anorexic that started to look at myself and my
that started to look at myself and my
that started to look at myself and my body a lot more consciously and I’m not
body a lot more consciously and I’m not
body a lot more consciously and I’m not really sure if the way that kids treated
really sure if the way that kids treated
really sure if the way that kids treated me then was considered bullying it was
me then was considered bullying it was
me then was considered bullying it was more oh well the kids are just being
more oh well the kids are just being
more oh well the kids are just being kids and if the boys make fun of you
kids and if the boys make fun of you
kids and if the boys make fun of you it’s because they like you and from a
it’s because they like you and from a
it’s because they like you and from a very young age I had a drive to succeed
very young age I had a drive to succeed
very young age I had a drive to succeed and I wanted to be good at something as
and I wanted to be good at something as
and I wanted to be good at something as I evidently lacked in terms of my
I evidently lacked in terms of my
I evidently lacked in terms of my appearance I was in still am a classic
appearance I was in still am a classic
appearance I was in still am a classic type-a personality in middle school I
type-a personality in middle school I
type-a personality in middle school I remember using food to deal with how I
remember using food to deal with how I
remember using food to deal with how I was feeling mentally and emotionally if
was feeling mentally and emotionally if
was feeling mentally and emotionally if I was worried I would skip lunch if I
I was worried I would skip lunch if I
I was worried I would skip lunch if I didn’t feel worthy eating fell very low
didn’t feel worthy eating fell very low
didn’t feel worthy eating fell very low well my hierarchy of importance it was
well my hierarchy of importance it was
well my hierarchy of importance it was that concept that spiraled out of
that concept that spiraled out of
that concept that spiraled out of control my freshman year of high school
control my freshman year of high school
control my freshman year of high school when I encountered a trauma and began
when I encountered a trauma and began
when I encountered a trauma and began self harming for the first time
sophomore year I remember being
sophomore year I remember being surrounded by girls at the lunch table
surrounded by girls at the lunch table
surrounded by girls at the lunch table who only talked about calories and they
who only talked about calories and they
who only talked about calories and they used that app MyFitnessPal to track what
used that app MyFitnessPal to track what
used that app MyFitnessPal to track what they were eating they just wanted to
they were eating they just wanted to
they were eating they just wanted to lose a couple pounds or look good in a
lose a couple pounds or look good in a
lose a couple pounds or look good in a bikini but I took it a little further it
bikini but I took it a little further it
bikini but I took it a little further it was during the spring of that year that
was during the spring of that year that
was during the spring of that year that I began taking trips to the bathroom
I began taking trips to the bathroom
I began taking trips to the bathroom after lunch trying to empty myself of
after lunch trying to empty myself of
after lunch trying to empty myself of whatever nutrients I just consumed
whatever nutrients I just consumed
whatever nutrients I just consumed thinking that’s how I’m going to get the
thinking that’s how I’m going to get the
thinking that’s how I’m going to get the look the other girls want and when
look the other girls want and when
look the other girls want and when school ended that year I welcome summer
school ended that year I welcome summer
school ended that year I welcome summer and I also welcome new changes in my
and I also welcome new changes in my
and I also welcome new changes in my body I couldn’t understand how I gained
body I couldn’t understand how I gained
body I couldn’t understand how I gained so much weight so fast it was that
so much weight so fast it was that
so much weight so fast it was that weight gain that began the cycle of
weight gain that began the cycle of
weight gain that began the cycle of being encouraged to eat more throwing my
being encouraged to eat more throwing my
being encouraged to eat more throwing my lunch away and having dizzy spells
lunch away and having dizzy spells
lunch away and having dizzy spells whenever anyone asked if I was okay my
whenever anyone asked if I was okay my
whenever anyone asked if I was okay my answer was always a lie when my junior
answer was always a lie when my junior
answer was always a lie when my junior year started I was taking more advanced
year started I was taking more advanced
year started I was taking more advanced classes and AP classes and I took on
classes and AP classes and I took on
classes and AP classes and I took on more responsibilities and that left no
more responsibilities and that left no
more responsibilities and that left no time to take care of myself
time to take care of myself
time to take care of myself within a couple of months I experienced
within a couple of months I experienced
within a couple of months I experienced the downward spiral that left me in
the downward spiral that left me in
the downward spiral that left me in front of my AP Biology your teacher
front of my AP Biology your teacher
front of my AP Biology your teacher pleading for help because I just
pleading for help because I just
pleading for help because I just couldn’t understand the struggle that
couldn’t understand the struggle that
couldn’t understand the struggle that was going on inside of me my teacher had
was going on inside of me my teacher had
was going on inside of me my teacher had a gift of helping those with eating
a gift of helping those with eating
a gift of helping those with eating disorders but within a couple weeks he
disorders but within a couple weeks he
disorders but within a couple weeks he knew that the help I needed was outside
knew that the help I needed was outside
knew that the help I needed was outside of with which he could help me he told
of with which he could help me he told
of with which he could help me he told my parents about my anorexia which was
my parents about my anorexia which was
my parents about my anorexia which was one of these scariest days I had
one of these scariest days I had
one of these scariest days I had encountered in a long time this started
encountered in a long time this started
encountered in a long time this started a domino effect of backlash from them
a domino effect of backlash from them
a domino effect of backlash from them because they couldn’t understand why I
because they couldn’t understand why I
because they couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t eat and why I saw myself a
wouldn’t eat and why I saw myself a
wouldn’t eat and why I saw myself a certain way and what had changed in just
certain way and what had changed in just
certain way and what had changed in just a few months the days I spent intensely
a few months the days I spent intensely
a few months the days I spent intensely intertwined with my anorexia for which
intertwined with my anorexia for which
intertwined with my anorexia for which would come to be about two years were
would come to be about two years were
would come to be about two years were some of the loneliest every single day I
some of the loneliest every single day I
some of the loneliest every single day I was struggling between starving purging
was struggling between starving purging
was struggling between starving purging and self-harm asking myself just when
and self-harm asking myself just when
and self-harm asking myself just when the vicious cycle would end my
the vicious cycle would end my
the vicious cycle would end my relationship with my eating disorder was
relationship with my eating disorder was
relationship with my eating disorder was toxic and no matter what I said or what
toxic and no matter what I said or what
toxic and no matter what I said or what I tried to do I found myself victim to
I tried to do I found myself victim to
I tried to do I found myself victim to the awful voices in my head and I want
the awful voices in my head and I want
the awful voices in my head and I want to say it was around the time that I
to say it was around the time that I
to say it was around the time that I recall being in the deepest part of my
recall being in the deepest part of my
recall being in the deepest part of my disorder that I was denied outpatient
disorder that I was denied outpatient
disorder that I was denied outpatient treatment for being too sick what they
treatment for being too sick what they
treatment for being too sick what they actually did they took my height and my
actually did they took my height and my
actually did they took my height and my weight at the time and they came up with
weight at the time and they came up with
weight at the time and they came up with a number and they said we will not take
a number and they said we will not take
a number and they said we will not take you because you are a liability so they
you because you are a liability so they
you because you are a liability so they would not allow me to try their program
would not allow me to try their program
would not allow me to try their program they didn’t want to give me a chance and
they didn’t want to give me a chance and
they didn’t want to give me a chance and I that completely broke me after that I
I that completely broke me after that I
I that completely broke me after that I was denied access to outpatient
was denied access to outpatient
was denied access to outpatient treatment four more times and I gave up
treatment four more times and I gave up
treatment four more times and I gave up hope that I had any chance of getting
hope that I had any chance of getting
hope that I had any chance of getting better from this point I had anxiety
better from this point I had anxiety
better from this point I had anxiety attacks that would span over the course
attacks that would span over the course
attacks that would span over the course of several days and more frequent
of several days and more frequent
of several days and more frequent episodes of purging and self-harm it was
episodes of purging and self-harm it was
episodes of purging and self-harm it was here that I thought it was time to give
here that I thought it was time to give
here that I thought it was time to give in I realized as the early months of my
in I realized as the early months of my
in I realized as the early months of my senior year went on how much time I had
senior year went on how much time I had
senior year went on how much time I had lost how sick I was and how much I had
lost how sick I was and how much I had
lost how sick I was and how much I had given up just a hold on to my disorder I
given up just a hold on to my disorder I
given up just a hold on to my disorder I think that one of the most common
think that one of the most common
think that one of the most common misconceptions about eating disorders is
misconceptions about eating disorders is
misconceptions about eating disorders is that it’s all about the weight but I
that it’s all about the weight but I
that it’s all about the weight but I will be the first person to tell you
will be the first person to tell you
will be the first person to tell you that it’s not
that it’s not
that it’s not because of my eating disorder I lost
because of my eating disorder I lost
because of my eating disorder I lost weight I lost friends I lost my
weight I lost friends I lost my
weight I lost friends I lost my happiness and I really lost myself on
happiness and I really lost myself on
happiness and I really lost myself on December 15th 2015 I was admitted to the
December 15th 2015 I was admitted to the
December 15th 2015 I was admitted to the inpatient unit at the Sheppard Pratt
inpatient unit at the Sheppard Pratt
inpatient unit at the Sheppard Pratt Center for eating disorders here in
Center for eating disorders here in
Center for eating disorders here in Baltimore this is not only something
Baltimore this is not only something
Baltimore this is not only something that I cried about for hours the night
that I cried about for hours the night
that I cried about for hours the night before but something that I had been
before but something that I had been
before but something that I had been waiting for for over a year I realized
waiting for for over a year I realized
waiting for for over a year I realized that that was my true chance at
that that was my true chance at
that that was my true chance at achieving recovery and I getting my life
achieving recovery and I getting my life
achieving recovery and I getting my life back
back
back becoming someone who wasn’t defined by
becoming someone who wasn’t defined by
becoming someone who wasn’t defined by their eating disorder after losing hope
their eating disorder after losing hope
their eating disorder after losing hope so many times the possibility of finally
so many times the possibility of finally
so many times the possibility of finally getting better was on my radar again I
getting better was on my radar again I
getting better was on my radar again I actually believe that recovery was
actually believe that recovery was
actually believe that recovery was possible and I vowed to myself to be the
possible and I vowed to myself to be the
possible and I vowed to myself to be the living testament of just that when I
living testament of just that when I
living testament of just that when I think about the last year of my life the
think about the last year of my life the
think about the last year of my life the only word that comes to mind is
only word that comes to mind is
only word that comes to mind is breathtaking I’ve attended four
breathtaking I’ve attended four
breathtaking I’ve attended four different treatment programs of all
different treatment programs of all
different treatment programs of all different levels and I’ve become someone
different levels and I’ve become someone
different levels and I’ve become someone that I didn’t know I had the capacity to
that I didn’t know I had the capacity to
that I didn’t know I had the capacity to be I’m a full-time college student a
be I’m a full-time college student a
be I’m a full-time college student a leader of the awareness campaign
leader of the awareness campaign
leader of the awareness campaign beautiful me and telling my story of
beautiful me and telling my story of
beautiful me and telling my story of embracing change in hopes of making a
embracing change in hopes of making a
embracing change in hopes of making a difference
difference
difference I only discharged from treatment about
I only discharged from treatment about
I only discharged from treatment about five months ago but the comparison to
five months ago but the comparison to
five months ago but the comparison to how I feel now versus how I felt then is
how I feel now versus how I felt then is
how I feel now versus how I felt then is incredible when I was in patient one of
incredible when I was in patient one of
incredible when I was in patient one of my teachers he actually came to visit me
my teachers he actually came to visit me
my teachers he actually came to visit me and he looked at me and he said you look
and he looked at me and he said you look
and he looked at me and he said you look more alive I don’t think I could hear
more alive I don’t think I could hear
more alive I don’t think I could hear something that was more relevant to how
something that was more relevant to how
something that was more relevant to how I was beginning to feel I wasn’t only
I was beginning to feel I wasn’t only
I was beginning to feel I wasn’t only looking more alive I was truly beginning
looking more alive I was truly beginning
looking more alive I was truly beginning to feel more alive and I’m learning that
to feel more alive and I’m learning that
to feel more alive and I’m learning that recovery is a giant wave and that
recovery is a giant wave and that
recovery is a giant wave and that healing truly comes in waves some days
healing truly comes in waves some days
healing truly comes in waves some days the wave does hit the rock and other
the wave does hit the rock and other
the wave does hit the rock and other days I feel like I’m drowning but that’s
days I feel like I’m drowning but that’s
days I feel like I’m drowning but that’s okay because at the end of the day I’m
okay because at the end of the day I’m
okay because at the end of the day I’m so healing I’m creating Who I am and
so healing I’m creating Who I am and
so healing I’m creating Who I am and that’s a free spirit a sunflower at
that’s a free spirit a sunflower at
that’s a free spirit a sunflower at heart and a warrior by blood and every
heart and a warrior by blood and every
heart and a warrior by blood and every day I have a new path to undertake I’m
day I have a new path to undertake I’m
day I have a new path to undertake I’m breathing through the process one step
breathing through the process one step
breathing through the process one step at a time I’m accepting that I am
at a time I’m accepting that I am
at a time I’m accepting that I am beautiful I am beautiful and I wouldn’t
beautiful I am beautiful and I wouldn’t
beautiful I am beautiful and I wouldn’t want to be anybody other than me thank
want to be anybody other than me thank
want to be anybody other than me thank you
you
you [Applause]
”
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