[Music] hi guys I’m Eva never done this before
hi guys I’m Eva never done this before
hi guys I’m Eva never done this before so bear with me but um this is one of my
so bear with me but um this is one of my
so bear with me but um this is one of my notebooks and I personally love
notebooks and I personally love
notebooks and I personally love journaling because I don’t know about
journaling because I don’t know about
journaling because I don’t know about y’all but I love going back and looking
y’all but I love going back and looking
y’all but I love going back and looking at my journals from kindergarten and
at my journals from kindergarten and
at my journals from kindergarten and seeing that I spelled guest’s geas it’s
seeing that I spelled guest’s geas it’s
seeing that I spelled guest’s geas it’s just little things like that that make
just little things like that that make
just little things like that that make me through the day but I also like to
me through the day but I also like to
me through the day but I also like to see how far I’ve come and how different
see how far I’ve come and how different
see how far I’ve come and how different my life was from the time that I was a
my life was from the time that I was a
my life was from the time that I was a quirky all smiles nerdy teacher’s pet of
quirky all smiles nerdy teacher’s pet of
quirky all smiles nerdy teacher’s pet of an eight year old I still have my
an eight year old I still have my
an eight year old I still have my happy-go-lucky core but I’m still
happy-go-lucky core but I’m still
happy-go-lucky core but I’m still begging my parents for a dog but they’re
begging my parents for a dog but they’re
begging my parents for a dog but they’re definitely been some changes for example
definitely been some changes for example
definitely been some changes for example I’m definitely not as quiet I sadly no
I’m definitely not as quiet I sadly no
I’m definitely not as quiet I sadly no longer have straight A’s
longer have straight A’s
longer have straight A’s but fortunately I’m not as scared as I
but fortunately I’m not as scared as I
but fortunately I’m not as scared as I used to be and I embrace life so much
used to be and I embrace life so much
used to be and I embrace life so much more because of it but even more than
more because of it but even more than
more because of it but even more than that I love journaling because I’ve
that I love journaling because I’ve
that I love journaling because I’ve personally reached so many biggest
personally reached so many biggest
personally reached so many biggest realizations for writing I even realized
realizations for writing I even realized
realizations for writing I even realized that I wanted to give this TED talk
that I wanted to give this TED talk
that I wanted to give this TED talk through writing so I thought to calm my
through writing so I thought to calm my
through writing so I thought to calm my nerves and hopefully connect with you
nerves and hopefully connect with you
nerves and hopefully connect with you guys more what better way to speak
guys more what better way to speak
guys more what better way to speak straight from the heart then to go to
straight from the heart then to go to
straight from the heart then to go to the direct source for all of these
the direct source for all of these
the direct source for all of these realizations and self-motivation
realizations and self-motivation
realizations and self-motivation happened but there’s one thing in life
happened but there’s one thing in life
happened but there’s one thing in life that I realized it’s that you’ve got to
that I realized it’s that you’ve got to
that I realized it’s that you’ve got to go through the unpleasant parts in order
go through the unpleasant parts in order
go through the unpleasant parts in order to get to the good life changing
to get to the good life changing
to get to the good life changing movements so that’s exactly where we’re
movements so that’s exactly where we’re
movements so that’s exactly where we’re going to start I was 13 years old in
going to start I was 13 years old in
going to start I was 13 years old in seventh grade I played field hockey like
seventh grade I played field hockey like
seventh grade I played field hockey like I did every year but this time I wanted
I did every year but this time I wanted
I did every year but this time I wanted to be the best that I could and go the
to be the best that I could and go the
to be the best that I could and go the extra mile
extra mile
extra mile literally I told myself that I would run
literally I told myself that I would run
literally I told myself that I would run every day that I didn’t have field
every day that I didn’t have field
every day that I didn’t have field hockey and then I eventually started
hockey and then I eventually started
hockey and then I eventually started running on days I did have field hockey
running on days I did have field hockey
running on days I did have field hockey and just to stay in shape
and just to stay in shape
and just to stay in shape I started realizing though that I was
I started realizing though that I was
I started realizing though that I was that I was warned running not for myself
that I was warned running not for myself
that I was warned running not for myself but I was actually chasing the girl I
but I was actually chasing the girl I
but I was actually chasing the girl I wanted to be and that girl decided that
wanted to be and that girl decided that
wanted to be and that girl decided that she wanted to cut out off desserts and
she wanted to cut out off desserts and
she wanted to cut out off desserts and carbs and all the bad foods that way I
carbs and all the bad foods that way I
carbs and all the bad foods that way I was bound to be the best girl on the
was bound to be the best girl on the
was bound to be the best girl on the team not to mention I might cut a few
team not to mention I might cut a few
team not to mention I might cut a few inches off my waist and who
inches off my waist and who
inches off my waist and who could complain about that initially I
could complain about that initially I
could complain about that initially I was faster and I thought I looked better
was faster and I thought I looked better
was faster and I thought I looked better but I didn’t need to the inches started
but I didn’t need to the inches started
but I didn’t need to the inches started adding up and instead of becoming faster
adding up and instead of becoming faster
adding up and instead of becoming faster I started becoming weaker instead of
I started becoming weaker instead of
I started becoming weaker instead of fighting with my parents ever how much
fighting with my parents ever how much
fighting with my parents ever how much food I ate or lying to them about how I
food I ate or lying to them about how I
food I ate or lying to them about how I didn’t go on a run after I did field
didn’t go on a run after I did field
didn’t go on a run after I did field hockey I started to shut them out
hockey I started to shut them out
hockey I started to shut them out completely I remember one time after
completely I remember one time after
completely I remember one time after dinner I’d been sitting across for my
dinner I’d been sitting across for my
dinner I’d been sitting across for my dad for at least an hour just staring at
dad for at least an hour just staring at
dad for at least an hour just staring at an unopened granola bar that I was
an unopened granola bar that I was
an unopened granola bar that I was supposed to make up for my dinner that I
supposed to make up for my dinner that I
supposed to make up for my dinner that I had not eaten instead of screaming or
had not eaten instead of screaming or
had not eaten instead of screaming or threatening or begging me to eat
threatening or begging me to eat
threatening or begging me to eat anything that he could my dad just
anything that he could my dad just
anything that he could my dad just looked at me and said Eva
looked at me and said Eva
looked at me and said Eva do you remember watching Alice in
do you remember watching Alice in
do you remember watching Alice in Wonderland um I didn’t say anything I
Wonderland um I didn’t say anything I
Wonderland um I didn’t say anything I didn’t want to but my dad continued and
didn’t want to but my dad continued and
didn’t want to but my dad continued and that he says he remembers when Alice had
that he says he remembers when Alice had
that he says he remembers when Alice had completely given up and just doesn’t
completely given up and just doesn’t
completely given up and just doesn’t think she will ever get out of
think she will ever get out of
think she will ever get out of Wonderland she feels utterly lost
Wonderland she feels utterly lost
Wonderland she feels utterly lost worthless and doesn’t believe she could
worthless and doesn’t believe she could
worthless and doesn’t believe she could ever amount to be anything the Mad
ever amount to be anything the Mad
ever amount to be anything the Mad Hatter doesn’t try to make her feel
Hatter doesn’t try to make her feel
Hatter doesn’t try to make her feel better or try to shake her back to
better or try to shake her back to
better or try to shake her back to reality he simply tells Alice that she’s
reality he simply tells Alice that she’s
reality he simply tells Alice that she’s lost her muchness he then looks at me
lost her muchness he then looks at me
lost her muchness he then looks at me and says Eva you’ve lost her much less
and says Eva you’ve lost her much less
and says Eva you’ve lost her much less muchness – I don’t remember saying
muchness – I don’t remember saying
muchness – I don’t remember saying anything after that but when I returned
anything after that but when I returned
anything after that but when I returned from eating disorder treatment months
from eating disorder treatment months
from eating disorder treatment months later I remember asking him what he
later I remember asking him what he
later I remember asking him what he meant by muchness and he said muchness
meant by muchness and he said muchness
meant by muchness and he said muchness is what makes you you when you were sick
is what makes you you when you were sick
is what makes you you when you were sick you were lifeless and nothing like the
you were lifeless and nothing like the
you were lifeless and nothing like the Eva that I’ve always known now that I’ve
Eva that I’ve always known now that I’ve
Eva that I’ve always known now that I’ve been in recovery for four years I
been in recovery for four years I
been in recovery for four years I realized that even though I may not have
realized that even though I may not have
realized that even though I may not have understood it at the time muchness is
understood it at the time muchness is
understood it at the time muchness is the most important thing that you could
the most important thing that you could
the most important thing that you could lose you may be able to fool some people
lose you may be able to fool some people
lose you may be able to fool some people but your true friends and family will
but your true friends and family will
but your true friends and family will always know that a vital piece of you is
always know that a vital piece of you is
always know that a vital piece of you is missing so fast-forward to this fall and
missing so fast-forward to this fall and
missing so fast-forward to this fall and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been I start
I’m the happiest I’ve ever been I start
I’m the happiest I’ve ever been I start writing poetry I share my story more and
writing poetry I share my story more and
writing poetry I share my story more and more I started a club called Speak Up go
more I started a club called Speak Up go
more I started a club called Speak Up go to Monday’s really
to Monday’s really
to Monday’s really great lots of fun and as I started
great lots of fun and as I started
great lots of fun and as I started sharing my story more I realized that I
sharing my story more I realized that I
sharing my story more I realized that I began to grow um so I thought that I’d
began to grow um so I thought that I’d
began to grow um so I thought that I’d share a little something with you that
share a little something with you that
share a little something with you that I’ve actually wrote in this journal it
I’ve actually wrote in this journal it
I’ve actually wrote in this journal it was the first poem I never showed anyone
was the first poem I never showed anyone
was the first poem I never showed anyone before um and the crazy thing is I’m
before um and the crazy thing is I’m
before um and the crazy thing is I’m horrified of reciting poetry and people
horrified of reciting poetry and people
horrified of reciting poetry and people hearing it but here I am so thank you um
hearing it but here I am so thank you um
hearing it but here I am so thank you um to all who regret my Eva grab with me I
to all who regret my Eva grab with me I
to all who regret my Eva grab with me I know you’re scared of the future I know
know you’re scared of the future I know
know you’re scared of the future I know you live between what ifs and should
you live between what ifs and should
you live between what ifs and should haves but I also know that you are alive
haves but I also know that you are alive
haves but I also know that you are alive but your stories all told through great
but your stories all told through great
but your stories all told through great adventure and that’s the greatest
adventure and that’s the greatest
adventure and that’s the greatest moments that define you happen because
moments that define you happen because
moments that define you happen because you took a chance a chance to make a
you took a chance a chance to make a
you took a chance a chance to make a friend to tell a guy how you finally
friend to tell a guy how you finally
friend to tell a guy how you finally felt to realize that you need help to
felt to realize that you need help to
felt to realize that you need help to ride a rollercoaster and for the very
ride a rollercoaster and for the very
ride a rollercoaster and for the very first time be filled with all and the
first time be filled with all and the
first time be filled with all and the rush of life pumping through your veins
rush of life pumping through your veins
rush of life pumping through your veins instead of dread to be lifted into the
instead of dread to be lifted into the
instead of dread to be lifted into the sky and shown places you didn’t even
sky and shown places you didn’t even
sky and shown places you didn’t even know existed places so magical and
know existed places so magical and
know existed places so magical and buzzing that you vow to never look back
buzzing that you vow to never look back
buzzing that you vow to never look back down and you don’t because that’s living
down and you don’t because that’s living
down and you don’t because that’s living now you don’t know how many times I’ve
now you don’t know how many times I’ve
now you don’t know how many times I’ve crumpled up deleted thrown away ideas
crumpled up deleted thrown away ideas
crumpled up deleted thrown away ideas for this TED talk because I thought they
for this TED talk because I thought they
for this TED talk because I thought they weren’t perfect I was so scared not only
weren’t perfect I was so scared not only
weren’t perfect I was so scared not only to give the speech to y’all and see
to give the speech to y’all and see
to give the speech to y’all and see y’all’s reactions but see my reaction to
y’all’s reactions but see my reaction to
y’all’s reactions but see my reaction to what if I hated it what if I couldn’t
what if I hated it what if I couldn’t
what if I hated it what if I couldn’t even get past the first sentence and
even get past the first sentence and
even get past the first sentence and before I came here I was honestly being
before I came here I was honestly being
before I came here I was honestly being contemplating just what would happen if
contemplating just what would happen if
contemplating just what would happen if I didn’t come but I know I shouldn’t and
I didn’t come but I know I shouldn’t and
I didn’t come but I know I shouldn’t and I’m very glad I didn’t because I’ve been
I’m very glad I didn’t because I’ve been
I’m very glad I didn’t because I’ve been through enough life to realize that if
through enough life to realize that if
through enough life to realize that if you know that something is good for you
you know that something is good for you
you know that something is good for you but all you want to do is run away from
but all you want to do is run away from
but all you want to do is run away from it then the very thing you have to do is
it then the very thing you have to do is
it then the very thing you have to do is sit with it you might fall in a hole
sit with it you might fall in a hole
sit with it you might fall in a hole that never seems to stop
that never seems to stop
that never seems to stop like Alice did but when you get to the
like Alice did but when you get to the
like Alice did but when you get to the bottom you just might discover an
bottom you just might discover an
bottom you just might discover an unimaginable new world maybe you’ll meet
unimaginable new world maybe you’ll meet
unimaginable new world maybe you’ll meet someone wise like the Mad Hatter who
someone wise like the Mad Hatter who
someone wise like the Mad Hatter who will straighten you out and show you who
will straighten you out and show you who
will straighten you out and show you who you really are maybe you’ll find your
you really are maybe you’ll find your
you really are maybe you’ll find your purpose so grab a pencil take a notebook
purpose so grab a pencil take a notebook
purpose so grab a pencil take a notebook dig your heels into your pride and sit
dig your heels into your pride and sit
dig your heels into your pride and sit and the discomfort because after all you
and the discomfort because after all you
and the discomfort because after all you first have to realize that you’ve lost
first have to realize that you’ve lost
first have to realize that you’ve lost your muchness so that you will learn to
your muchness so that you will learn to
your muchness so that you will learn to never take it for granted again thank
never take it for granted again thank
never take it for granted again thank you
”
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