when I told my mentor that I was getting to do this talk he lit up like a proud
to do this talk he lit up like a proud
to do this talk he lit up like a proud dad he was like way to go Jerome what
dad he was like way to go Jerome what
dad he was like way to go Jerome what are you going to talk about I said well
are you going to talk about I said well
are you going to talk about I said well I’m gonna talk about dinner parties he
I’m gonna talk about dinner parties he
I’m gonna talk about dinner parties he his smell dropped instantly he said the
his smell dropped instantly he said the
his smell dropped instantly he said the word insipid what are you with all
word insipid what are you with all
word insipid what are you with all that’s going on in the world black lives
that’s going on in the world black lives
that’s going on in the world black lives matter
matter
matter police brutality mass incarceration
police brutality mass incarceration
police brutality mass incarceration poverty and you’re gonna use your
poverty and you’re gonna use your
poverty and you’re gonna use your spotlight to talk about a dinner party
spotlight to talk about a dinner party
spotlight to talk about a dinner party Jerome you disappoint me now when your
Jerome you disappoint me now when your
Jerome you disappoint me now when your mentor says you’ve disappointed him you
mentor says you’ve disappointed him you
mentor says you’ve disappointed him you take that kind of thing to heart you
take that kind of thing to heart you
take that kind of thing to heart you know and usually I would have listened
know and usually I would have listened
know and usually I would have listened and changed my act accordingly but this
and changed my act accordingly but this
and changed my act accordingly but this time I couldn’t in let me tell you why
time I couldn’t in let me tell you why
time I couldn’t in let me tell you why dr. King said just weeks before his
dr. King said just weeks before his
dr. King said just weeks before his assassination riots are the language of
assassination riots are the language of
assassination riots are the language of the unheard I believe that much of the
the unheard I believe that much of the
the unheard I believe that much of the up evil intention both internal and
up evil intention both internal and
up evil intention both internal and external that’s happening in our country
external that’s happening in our country
external that’s happening in our country is happening because we are disconnected
is happening because we are disconnected
is happening because we are disconnected we’re disconnected from ourselves and
we’re disconnected from ourselves and
we’re disconnected from ourselves and we’re disconnected from one another and
we’re disconnected from one another and
we’re disconnected from one another and there there’s an easy almost primal way
there there’s an easy almost primal way
there there’s an easy almost primal way of changing that and that’s breaking
of changing that and that’s breaking
of changing that and that’s breaking bread together breaking bread together
bread together breaking bread together
bread together breaking bread together now you if you have children you
now you if you have children you
now you if you have children you probably know this you know researchers
probably know this you know researchers
probably know this you know researchers and psychologists have always promoted
and psychologists have always promoted
and psychologists have always promoted the benefits of family dinner as a
the benefits of family dinner as a
the benefits of family dinner as a matter of fact family dinner the
matter of fact family dinner the
matter of fact family dinner the frequency of family dinner is the best
frequency of family dinner is the best
frequency of family dinner is the best predictor of your child making A’s and
predictor of your child making A’s and
predictor of your child making A’s and pretty much being the best kid in the
pretty much being the best kid in the
pretty much being the best kid in the neighborhood
neighborhood
neighborhood but what they don’t talk about is the
but what they don’t talk about is the
but what they don’t talk about is the benefit of adults share meals with one
benefit of adults share meals with one
benefit of adults share meals with one another I don’t have any scientific
another I don’t have any scientific
another I don’t have any scientific evidence my my opinion is based on
evidence my my opinion is based on
evidence my my opinion is based on clinical observations and my own
clinical observations and my own
clinical observations and my own personal experience but I say this
personal experience but I say this
personal experience but I say this without reservation
without reservation
without reservation if you break bread rightly if you do it
if you break bread rightly if you do it
if you break bread rightly if you do it with the right people if you do it
with the right people if you do it
with the right people if you do it frequently enough you won’t ever have to
frequently enough you won’t ever have to
frequently enough you won’t ever have to buy another self-help book
buy another self-help book
buy another self-help book take another psychotropic drug I’ll even
take another psychotropic drug I’ll even
take another psychotropic drug I’ll even go out on the limb and say that a dinner
go out on the limb and say that a dinner
go out on the limb and say that a dinner party will save your life now when I
party will save your life now when I
party will save your life now when I moved here a few years ago and started
moved here a few years ago and started
moved here a few years ago and started getting invited to dinner parties I was
getting invited to dinner parties I was
getting invited to dinner parties I was excited because I was trying to build my
excited because I was trying to build my
excited because I was trying to build my community and you know dinner parties
community and you know dinner parties
community and you know dinner parties are a serious business to a particular
are a serious business to a particular
are a serious business to a particular segment of the population and so I
segment of the population and so I
segment of the population and so I thought I’ve made the cut you know but I
thought I’ve made the cut you know but I
thought I’ve made the cut you know but I quickly realized that making the cut
quickly realized that making the cut
quickly realized that making the cut wouldn’t what it was all cracked up to
wouldn’t what it was all cracked up to
wouldn’t what it was all cracked up to be you know those first parties dinner
be you know those first parties dinner
be you know those first parties dinner parties were painfully inauthentic and
parties were painfully inauthentic and
parties were painfully inauthentic and paid and stale and pretentious and I
paid and stale and pretentious and I
paid and stale and pretentious and I thought you know I would leave it was it
thought you know I would leave it was it
thought you know I would leave it was it me was it them you know of course I’ve
me was it them you know of course I’ve
me was it them you know of course I’ve had enough good therapy to know that
had enough good therapy to know that
had enough good therapy to know that part of it had to be me I mean I knew
part of it had to be me I mean I knew
part of it had to be me I mean I knew how to gush over people’s china pattern
how to gush over people’s china pattern
how to gush over people’s china pattern and ask is this family and you know talk
and ask is this family and you know talk
and ask is this family and you know talk about how much money somebody paid for
about how much money somebody paid for
about how much money somebody paid for their house or the worse was trying to
their house or the worse was trying to
their house or the worse was trying to sound smart and paraphrasing marine down
sound smart and paraphrasing marine down
sound smart and paraphrasing marine down whatever she wrote that morning and
whatever she wrote that morning and
whatever she wrote that morning and trying to make it my own you know so it
trying to make it my own you know so it
trying to make it my own you know so it was me connecting showing well but not
was me connecting showing well but not
was me connecting showing well but not connecting well the thing that it did
connecting well the thing that it did
connecting well the thing that it did for me though those experie
for me though those experie
for me though those experie has really helped me understand what was
has really helped me understand what was
has really helped me understand what was going on with my patients who would be
going on with my patients who would be
going on with my patients who would be so stressed out just freaked out about
so stressed out just freaked out about
so stressed out just freaked out about going to dinner parties because dinner
going to dinner parties because dinner
going to dinner parties because dinner parties bring up so many complex
parties bring up so many complex
parties bring up so many complex emotions you know on one hand you’re
emotions you know on one hand you’re
emotions you know on one hand you’re really excited about being invited to
really excited about being invited to
really excited about being invited to the Johnston’s and then on the other
the Johnston’s and then on the other
the Johnston’s and then on the other hand you’re dreading it and almost
hand you’re dreading it and almost
hand you’re dreading it and almost panicking over it because you don’t want
panicking over it because you don’t want
panicking over it because you don’t want to spend another night engaged in
to spend another night engaged in
to spend another night engaged in meaningless conversation or listening to
meaningless conversation or listening to
meaningless conversation or listening to the same boring or her stories or even
the same boring or her stories or even
the same boring or her stories or even worse telling the same boring were her
worse telling the same boring were her
worse telling the same boring were her story about your own life because it
story about your own life because it
story about your own life because it makes you feel dead inside you know so
makes you feel dead inside you know so
makes you feel dead inside you know so none of this set well with me you know I
none of this set well with me you know I
none of this set well with me you know I would find to my best friend you know
would find to my best friend you know
would find to my best friend you know I’d say like you know I don’t know what
I’d say like you know I don’t know what
I’d say like you know I don’t know what I’m gonna do how many friends here and
I’m gonna do how many friends here and
I’m gonna do how many friends here and she challenged me it’s just like look
she challenged me it’s just like look
she challenged me it’s just like look bro you know do something about it your
bro you know do something about it your
bro you know do something about it your psychologists change it she’s a
psychologists change it she’s a
psychologists change it she’s a marketing mastermind and went together
marketing mastermind and went together
marketing mastermind and went together we came up with this dinner party
we came up with this dinner party
we came up with this dinner party revolution well it never got picked up
revolution well it never got picked up
revolution well it never got picked up you know by Oprah Magazine or anything
you know by Oprah Magazine or anything
you know by Oprah Magazine or anything but I did learn a lot and one thing that
but I did learn a lot and one thing that
but I did learn a lot and one thing that I learned the first thing that I learned
I learned the first thing that I learned
I learned the first thing that I learned was that modern relationships modern
was that modern relationships modern
was that modern relationships modern lifestyle and success makes it really
lifestyle and success makes it really
lifestyle and success makes it really difficult to have relationships with
difficult to have relationships with
difficult to have relationships with depth it’s not you it’s not me it’s
depth it’s not you it’s not me it’s
depth it’s not you it’s not me it’s success that causes this distress I mean
success that causes this distress I mean
success that causes this distress I mean we’re all successful people here and
we’re all successful people here and
we’re all successful people here and we’ve all seen how success this connects
we’ve all seen how success this connects
we’ve all seen how success this connects us in a number of ways you know we’re
us in a number of ways you know we’re
us in a number of ways you know we’re more fixed on our digital screens than
more fixed on our digital screens than
more fixed on our digital screens than the faces of loved ones we’re pursuing
the faces of loved ones we’re pursuing
the faces of loved ones we’re pursuing careers that make us that we had to
careers that make us that we had to
careers that make us that we had to leave our cut our community behind for
leave our cut our community behind for
leave our cut our community behind for we’re in graining in our children that
we’re in graining in our children that
we’re in graining in our children that homework is the new supper not not and
homework is the new supper not not and
homework is the new supper not not and that is more important than human
that is more important than human
that is more important than human relations we’re using
relations we’re using
relations we’re using busy as the new status symbol and
busy as the new status symbol and
busy as the new status symbol and becoming better human doings been human
becoming better human doings been human
becoming better human doings been human beings and all of these are really
beings and all of these are really
beings and all of these are really disturbing trends because they take us
disturbing trends because they take us
disturbing trends because they take us away from loving and belonging and as
away from loving and belonging and as
away from loving and belonging and as Maslow asserted in his power given needs
Maslow asserted in his power given needs
Maslow asserted in his power given needs pyramid loving and belonging or
pyramid loving and belonging or
pyramid loving and belonging or essential or precursors to self
essential or precursors to self
essential or precursors to self actualizing you might get all the bucks
actualizing you might get all the bucks
actualizing you might get all the bucks but you do not get to have the bang
but you do not get to have the bang
but you do not get to have the bang unless you have your people in place you
unless you have your people in place you
unless you have your people in place you know and yes these are first world
know and yes these are first world
know and yes these are first world problems but they still live as leave us
problems but they still live as leave us
problems but they still live as leave us feeling like we’re living on living
feeling like we’re living on living
feeling like we’re living on living socially on less than a dollar a day
socially on less than a dollar a day
socially on less than a dollar a day now I’m not down on suspects or anything
now I’m not down on suspects or anything
now I’m not down on suspects or anything like that my greatest sin is shallowness
like that my greatest sin is shallowness
like that my greatest sin is shallowness but I do know this you were not born
but I do know this you were not born
but I do know this you were not born wanting to win a Grammy or to win a
wanting to win a Grammy or to win a
wanting to win a Grammy or to win a Pulitzer and that and you certainly
Pulitzer and that and you certainly
Pulitzer and that and you certainly weren’t born wanting to be skinny you
weren’t born wanting to be skinny you
weren’t born wanting to be skinny you know you were born wanting two things
know you were born wanting two things
know you were born wanting two things food and belonging and a dinner party is
food and belonging and a dinner party is
food and belonging and a dinner party is the most accessible it’s the easiest way
the most accessible it’s the easiest way
the most accessible it’s the easiest way to bring those two elements together and
to bring those two elements together and
to bring those two elements together and no you don’t have to have a dinner party
no you don’t have to have a dinner party
no you don’t have to have a dinner party to to have social connection or to a
to to have social connection or to a
to to have social connection or to a swage or distress you can hike together
swage or distress you can hike together
swage or distress you can hike together you can golf together you can even
you can golf together you can even
you can golf together you can even volunteer together but just as oil keeps
volunteer together but just as oil keeps
volunteer together but just as oil keeps an engine from locking up and leaving
an engine from locking up and leaving
an engine from locking up and leaving you stranded on the side of the road
you stranded on the side of the road
you stranded on the side of the road food is the fuel for social connection
food is the fuel for social connection
food is the fuel for social connection food signals to the inner child that
food signals to the inner child that
food signals to the inner child that that you’re with your people and it’s
that you’re with your people and it’s
that you’re with your people and it’s safe to bond breaking bread with the
safe to bond breaking bread with the
safe to bond breaking bread with the others allows the oxytocin the flow and
others allows the oxytocin the flow and
others allows the oxytocin the flow and taps those deep brain structures that
taps those deep brain structures that
taps those deep brain structures that say drop your guard food and belonging
say drop your guard food and belonging
say drop your guard food and belonging they go hand-in-hand so how do you have
they go hand-in-hand so how do you have
they go hand-in-hand so how do you have that so-called save all Kirov dinner
that so-called save all Kirov dinner
that so-called save all Kirov dinner party that’ll save your life you’re
party that’ll save your life you’re
party that’ll save your life you’re doing much of the keep doing butcher
doing much of the keep doing butcher
doing much of the keep doing butcher doing you know you invite your great
doing you know you invite your great
doing you know you invite your great friends you call great caterer or you
friends you call great caterer or you
friends you call great caterer or you know or cook good food you uncork your
know or cook good food you uncork your
know or cook good food you uncork your favorite bottles of wine so it can
favorite bottles of wine so it can
favorite bottles of wine so it can breathe that that’s your thing you know
breathe that that’s your thing you know
breathe that that’s your thing you know and you have fully committed to
and you have fully committed to
and you have fully committed to connecting will not showing well and
connecting will not showing well and
connecting will not showing well and then if you really want to make sure
then if you really want to make sure
then if you really want to make sure that opportunity for loving and
that opportunity for loving and
that opportunity for loving and belonging didn’t slip through your
belonging didn’t slip through your
belonging didn’t slip through your fingertips I have four things I want you
fingertips I have four things I want you
fingertips I have four things I want you to do four things that I wish I would
to do four things that I wish I would
to do four things that I wish I would have been doing about ten years ago
have been doing about ten years ago
have been doing about ten years ago number one never go or host a dinner
number one never go or host a dinner
number one never go or host a dinner party empty-headed you don’t you don’t
party empty-headed you don’t you don’t
party empty-headed you don’t you don’t wait until your friends arrive to decide
wait until your friends arrive to decide
wait until your friends arrive to decide what you’re gonna cook well then don’t
what you’re gonna cook well then don’t
what you’re gonna cook well then don’t wing it on the conversation always
wing it on the conversation always
wing it on the conversation always generate some some topics or questions
generate some some topics or questions
generate some some topics or questions before you get there to keep the
before you get there to keep the
before you get there to keep the conversation flowing you know I like to
conversation flowing you know I like to
conversation flowing you know I like to send links or pop psychology personality
send links or pop psychology personality
send links or pop psychology personality tests ahead of time to ensure the
tests ahead of time to ensure the
tests ahead of time to ensure the likelihood of rich conversation now let
likelihood of rich conversation now let
likelihood of rich conversation now let me tell you your friends want to dive
me tell you your friends want to dive
me tell you your friends want to dive deeper just someone has to have the
deeper just someone has to have the
deeper just someone has to have the courage to initiate it number two drop
courage to initiate it number two drop
courage to initiate it number two drop your guards and listen up we’ve heard
your guards and listen up we’ve heard
your guards and listen up we’ve heard we’ve seen enough of your perfect life
we’ve seen enough of your perfect life
we’ve seen enough of your perfect life on Facebook you know we don’t need any
on Facebook you know we don’t need any
on Facebook you know we don’t need any more perfectness to compare our less
more perfectness to compare our less
more perfectness to compare our less than lives to sure it’s okay to talk
than lives to sure it’s okay to talk
than lives to sure it’s okay to talk about your recent travels and your your
about your recent travels and your your
about your recent travels and your your favorite team’s recent success but then
favorite team’s recent success but then
favorite team’s recent success but then be willing to go deeper and share your
be willing to go deeper and share your
be willing to go deeper and share your imperfections and your inadequacies and
imperfections and your inadequacies and
imperfections and your inadequacies and your insecurities when you start hearing
your insecurities when you start hearing
your insecurities when you start hearing people talk about their flaws then
people talk about their flaws then
people talk about their flaws then connections going down and when and when
connections going down and when and when
connections going down and when and when you’re listening listen with an open
you’re listening listen with an open
you’re listening listen with an open heart
heart
heart not so quick to what you know to rush
not so quick to what you know to rush
not so quick to what you know to rush back with a witty response or to whip
back with a witty response or to whip
back with a witty response or to whip out your phone and Google a solution
out your phone and Google a solution
out your phone and Google a solution remember you you decided you’re going to
remember you you decided you’re going to
remember you you decided you’re going to connect well you don’t have to look good
connect well you don’t have to look good
connect well you don’t have to look good or sound smart
or sound smart
or sound smart the greatest gift at this point the
the greatest gift at this point the
the greatest gift at this point the greatest gift that you can bring to
greatest gift that you can bring to
greatest gift that you can bring to conversation is your curiosity and
conversation is your curiosity and
conversation is your curiosity and sincerity
sincerity
sincerity number three push the envelope but don’t
number three push the envelope but don’t
number three push the envelope but don’t go too far
go too far
go too far yeah asking a really cute couple that
yeah asking a really cute couple that
yeah asking a really cute couple that you’ve never met if they are how they
you’ve never met if they are how they
you’ve never met if they are how they feel about an open marriage or polyamory
feel about an open marriage or polyamory
feel about an open marriage or polyamory that’s that’s I assure you is too far so
that’s that’s I assure you is too far so
that’s that’s I assure you is too far so here is a trick that I like to use to
here is a trick that I like to use to
here is a trick that I like to use to make sure that you push the conversation
make sure that you push the conversation
make sure that you push the conversation in the interesting zone but still in the
in the interesting zone but still in the
in the interesting zone but still in the safe zone focus on instead of focusing
safe zone focus on instead of focusing
safe zone focus on instead of focusing on facts focus on emotions instead of
on facts focus on emotions instead of
on facts focus on emotions instead of saying what do you do for a living
saying what do you do for a living
saying what do you do for a living ask what do you love or loathe the most
ask what do you love or loathe the most
ask what do you love or loathe the most about your work or your work day you
about your work or your work day you
about your work or your work day you know it takes some emotions to you know
know it takes some emotions to you know
know it takes some emotions to you know some stickiness to keep that connection
some stickiness to keep that connection
some stickiness to keep that connection in place
in place
in place and lastly whenever you get invited go
and lastly whenever you get invited go
and lastly whenever you get invited go especially if you don’t want to we’re
especially if you don’t want to we’re
especially if you don’t want to we’re trying it cultivate a social exercise
trying it cultivate a social exercise
trying it cultivate a social exercise here and just like meditation and
here and just like meditation and
here and just like meditation and running the hardest part is getting
running the hardest part is getting
running the hardest part is getting started so here’s my advice whenever you
started so here’s my advice whenever you
started so here’s my advice whenever you hear yourself about to decline or trying
hear yourself about to decline or trying
hear yourself about to decline or trying to figure a wiggle a way out of it or
to figure a wiggle a way out of it or
to figure a wiggle a way out of it or anything like that stop that stop that
anything like that stop that stop that
anything like that stop that stop that narrative and just decide to go you
narrative and just decide to go you
narrative and just decide to go you might get sore at first in this habit of
might get sore at first in this habit of
might get sore at first in this habit of having a social workout but it will pay
having a social workout but it will pay
having a social workout but it will pay off in the long run and you know what
off in the long run and you know what
off in the long run and you know what else if you’re not getting invited
else if you’re not getting invited
else if you’re not getting invited have your own dinner party you initiated
have your own dinner party you initiated
have your own dinner party you initiated it doesn’t have to be summoned elaborate
it doesn’t have to be summoned elaborate
it doesn’t have to be summoned elaborate social gala just the mama tuple and
social gala just the mama tuple and
social gala just the mama tuple and something to eat food and belonging you
something to eat food and belonging you
something to eat food and belonging you know growing up in Memphis in an
know growing up in Memphis in an
know growing up in Memphis in an apartment that has seen its better days
apartment that has seen its better days
apartment that has seen its better days there was a lot that was not right in my
there was a lot that was not right in my
there was a lot that was not right in my home I had a mom that was obsessed with
home I had a mom that was obsessed with
home I had a mom that was obsessed with what everybody thought and a dad that
what everybody thought and a dad that
what everybody thought and a dad that did anything and I mean anything he
did anything and I mean anything he
did anything and I mean anything he wanted without a second thought to what
wanted without a second thought to what
wanted without a second thought to what it looked like to anybody and together
it looked like to anybody and together
it looked like to anybody and together they screwed up a lot some would even
they screwed up a lot some would even
they screwed up a lot some would even say they screwed me up and perhaps
say they screwed me up and perhaps
say they screwed me up and perhaps that’s the subject of another talk where
that’s the subject of another talk where
that’s the subject of another talk where they absolutely nailed that though was
they absolutely nailed that though was
they absolutely nailed that though was dinner when my mom said go tell your
dinner when my mom said go tell your
dinner when my mom said go tell your daddy dinner’s ready
daddy dinner’s ready
daddy dinner’s ready everything stopped because dinner and my
everything stopped because dinner and my
everything stopped because dinner and my family was sacred it was a time when no
family was sacred it was a time when no
family was sacred it was a time when no matter how much we messed up no matter
matter how much we messed up no matter
matter how much we messed up no matter how broken we felt all was forgiven and
how broken we felt all was forgiven and
how broken we felt all was forgiven and Trust was restored and I felt like the
Trust was restored and I felt like the
Trust was restored and I felt like the most important person in the room with
most important person in the room with
most important person in the room with love and food dish up at the table my
love and food dish up at the table my
love and food dish up at the table my ball watching macho dad gave his
ball watching macho dad gave his
ball watching macho dad gave his blessings to my interest in ballet and
blessings to my interest in ballet and
blessings to my interest in ballet and successfully disguised what he thought
successfully disguised what he thought
successfully disguised what he thought that interest was really about and my my
that interest was really about and my my
that interest was really about and my my mom you know with the second helping a
mom you know with the second helping a
mom you know with the second helping a meatloaf
meatloaf
meatloaf you know sold me on the the the idea of
you know sold me on the the the idea of
you know sold me on the the the idea of being a CPA you know she even bought me
being a CPA you know she even bought me
being a CPA you know she even bought me an atom machine and I started pretending
an atom machine and I started pretending
an atom machine and I started pretending I was an accountant that’s the power row
I was an accountant that’s the power row
I was an accountant that’s the power row pork roast and creamed corn on the same
pork roast and creamed corn on the same
pork roast and creamed corn on the same plate
plate
plate now I didn’t see the ballet through and
now I didn’t see the ballet through and
now I didn’t see the ballet through and I bailed on accounting by junior year
I bailed on accounting by junior year
I bailed on accounting by junior year but because I grew up in a family
but because I grew up in a family
but because I grew up in a family breaking bread with people that believed
breaking bread with people that believed
breaking bread with people that believed in me I grew up thinking that I could do
in me I grew up thinking that I could do
in me I grew up thinking that I could do whatever I wanted to do anything that I
whatever I wanted to do anything that I
whatever I wanted to do anything that I wanted to do I grew up knowing how
wanted to do I grew up knowing how
wanted to do I grew up knowing how important food and belonging are to our
important food and belonging are to our
important food and belonging are to our well-being that’s true disturbed
well-being that’s true disturbed
well-being that’s true disturbed listeners with all this going on in the
listeners with all this going on in the
listeners with all this going on in the world we can’t afford to isolate
world we can’t afford to isolate
world we can’t afford to isolate ourselves we can’t afford to keep our
ourselves we can’t afford to keep our
ourselves we can’t afford to keep our ears close to those that need to be
ears close to those that need to be
ears close to those that need to be heard we can’t afford to be silent about
heard we can’t afford to be silent about
heard we can’t afford to be silent about those things that really matter
well we need each other in the deepest
well we need each other in the deepest way get back to the table get back to
way get back to the table get back to
way get back to the table get back to breaking bread get back to belonging
breaking bread get back to belonging
breaking bread get back to belonging it’ll save your life and it might just
it’ll save your life and it might just
it’ll save your life and it might just save the world be peace below
save the world be peace below
save the world be peace below [Applause]
”
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