I am the tenth of eleven children I spent most of my growing years sharing a
spent most of my growing years sharing a
spent most of my growing years sharing a bedroom and nearly every childhood
bedroom and nearly every childhood
bedroom and nearly every childhood adventure with my sister Mary she was
adventure with my sister Mary she was
adventure with my sister Mary she was two years four months and one day older
two years four months and one day older
two years four months and one day older I adored her I thought she knew
I adored her I thought she knew
I adored her I thought she knew everything because she was so much older
everything because she was so much older
everything because she was so much older now we spent a lot of time talking
now we spent a lot of time talking
now we spent a lot of time talking discussing and we did this as grown-ups
discussing and we did this as grown-ups
discussing and we did this as grown-ups to it but when we were children
to it but when we were children
to it but when we were children I liked asking a lot of questions I
I liked asking a lot of questions I
I liked asking a lot of questions I asked lots of questions and most of the
asked lots of questions and most of the
asked lots of questions and most of the time Mary liked answering me
time Mary liked answering me
time Mary liked answering me she likes humoring me she liked
she likes humoring me she liked
she likes humoring me she liked educating me now in our family we were
educating me now in our family we were
educating me now in our family we were also not allowed to say very many things
also not allowed to say very many things
also not allowed to say very many things including shut up but by the time Mary
including shut up but by the time Mary
including shut up but by the time Mary was 10 or 11 she found a way around this
was 10 or 11 she found a way around this
was 10 or 11 she found a way around this barf
barf
barf she’d say that was one of her nicknames
she’d say that was one of her nicknames
she’d say that was one of her nicknames for me barf
for me barf
for me barf sometimes conversation ruins a
sometimes conversation ruins a
sometimes conversation ruins a relationship it took me years to
relationship it took me years to
relationship it took me years to understand exactly why she was right now
understand exactly why she was right now
understand exactly why she was right now I did my first master’s program in
I did my first master’s program in
I did my first master’s program in education and my second one in clinical
education and my second one in clinical
education and my second one in clinical mental health counseling I was an
mental health counseling I was an
mental health counseling I was an educator before I became a
educator before I became a
educator before I became a psychotherapist but I have always been a
psychotherapist but I have always been a
psychotherapist but I have always been a researcher an investigator and
researcher an investigator and
researcher an investigator and experimenter with my own life well at
experimenter with my own life well at
experimenter with my own life well at work but in my own life that just means
work but in my own life that just means
work but in my own life that just means years of painful action research trial
years of painful action research trial
years of painful action research trial and error and learning the hard way good
and error and learning the hard way good
and error and learning the hard way good thing is I do learn and when I do I
thing is I do learn and when I do I
thing is I do learn and when I do I share your welcome my pain is hopefully
share your welcome my pain is hopefully
share your welcome my pain is hopefully your gain literally nearly seven years
your gain literally nearly seven years
your gain literally nearly seven years ago I was getting divorced again out of
ago I was getting divorced again out of
ago I was getting divorced again out of this excruciating pain
this excruciating pain
this excruciating pain I conducted some powerful research I
I conducted some powerful research I
I conducted some powerful research I knew that my outcome was based on asking
knew that my outcome was based on asking
knew that my outcome was based on asking the right questions so I stopped asking
the right questions so I stopped asking
the right questions so I stopped asking things like what happened
things like what happened
things like what happened what’s wrong with me what’s wrong with
what’s wrong with me what’s wrong with
what’s wrong with me what’s wrong with him
him
him and started asking things like how do I
and started asking things like how do I
and started asking things like how do I heal and recover from this
heal and recover from this
heal and recover from this what does healthy love actually look
what does healthy love actually look
what does healthy love actually look like and when I learned some things
like and when I learned some things
like and when I learned some things about that
about that
about that I started asking how do I experience
I started asking how do I experience
I started asking how do I experience more mutual empathy respect and
more mutual empathy respect and
more mutual empathy respect and connection now grieving the loss of a
connection now grieving the loss of a
connection now grieving the loss of a seventeen and a half year relationship
seventeen and a half year relationship
seventeen and a half year relationship takes more than time it takes intention
takes more than time it takes intention
takes more than time it takes intention I worked really hard I studied hard at
I worked really hard I studied hard at
I worked really hard I studied hard at answering those questions I went to my
answering those questions I went to my
answering those questions I went to my own therapy of course I worked really
own therapy of course I worked really
own therapy of course I worked really hard on feeling my own feelings figuring
hard on feeling my own feelings figuring
hard on feeling my own feelings figuring out what I wanted exactly taking 100%
out what I wanted exactly taking 100%
out what I wanted exactly taking 100% responsibility for my own actions
responsibility for my own actions
responsibility for my own actions just who know at this point there’s no
just who know at this point there’s no
just who know at this point there’s no way on the planet I was gonna be doing
way on the planet I was gonna be doing
way on the planet I was gonna be doing couples counseling ever we had done lots
couples counseling ever we had done lots
couples counseling ever we had done lots of that what a crock but hmm I did do
of that what a crock but hmm I did do
of that what a crock but hmm I did do yoga and I started to meditate a little
yoga and I started to meditate a little
yoga and I started to meditate a little not too much I did not want to turn into
not too much I did not want to turn into
not too much I did not want to turn into a crunchy granola flake but I also
a crunchy granola flake but I also
a crunchy granola flake but I also started reading about shame and the
started reading about shame and the
started reading about shame and the power of vulnerability and the power of
power of vulnerability and the power of
power of vulnerability and the power of brief communication and that is when I
brief communication and that is when I
brief communication and that is when I started experimenting in all my
started experimenting in all my
started experimenting in all my relationships with my communication oh
relationships with my communication oh
relationships with my communication oh my gosh the results were so profound I
my gosh the results were so profound I
my gosh the results were so profound I started implementing and honing a
started implementing and honing a
started implementing and honing a framework with clients in the clinical
framework with clients in the clinical
framework with clients in the clinical setting and then later with yes couples
setting and then later with yes couples
setting and then later with yes couples and individuals in my private practice
and individuals in my private practice
and individuals in my private practice where I specialized now in love and loss
where I specialized now in love and loss
where I specialized now in love and loss I’m going to show you that framework
I’m going to show you that framework
I’m going to show you that framework tonight it’s really cool I think you’re
tonight it’s really cool I think you’re
tonight it’s really cool I think you’re gonna like it but first you have to see
gonna like it but first you have to see
gonna like it but first you have to see this this is a pattern of communication
this this is a pattern of communication
this this is a pattern of communication that I have seen without exception 100%
that I have seen without exception 100%
that I have seen without exception 100% of the people that I have talked to
of the people that I have talked to
of the people that I have talked to whether in the clinical setting or
whether in the clinical setting or
whether in the clinical setting or private practice in relationship this
private practice in relationship this
private practice in relationship this pattern
pattern
pattern is recurrent in their life I bet you
is recurrent in their life I bet you
is recurrent in their life I bet you recognize it we use it lots of different
recognize it we use it lots of different
recognize it we use it lots of different places lots of different relationships
places lots of different relationships
places lots of different relationships right so let’s take a look at it you
right so let’s take a look at it you
right so let’s take a look at it you know someone wants to address an issue
know someone wants to address an issue
know someone wants to address an issue or something needs to be resolved right
or something needs to be resolved right
or something needs to be resolved right and I usually broach the topic by saying
and I usually broach the topic by saying
and I usually broach the topic by saying something like or sending a text and
something like or sending a text and
something like or sending a text and saying We Need to Talk
saying We Need to Talk
saying We Need to Talk or making an appointment to talk or
or making an appointment to talk or
or making an appointment to talk or perhaps Johnson I’m gonna need you to
perhaps Johnson I’m gonna need you to
perhaps Johnson I’m gonna need you to come into my office or if we’re talking
come into my office or if we’re talking
come into my office or if we’re talking to one of our kids it might be son have
to one of our kids it might be son have
to one of our kids it might be son have a seat
a seat
a seat right the subtext for this is always you
right the subtext for this is always you
right the subtext for this is always you know this it’s always you’re in trouble
know this it’s always you’re in trouble
know this it’s always you’re in trouble but the conversation is followed by
but the conversation is followed by
but the conversation is followed by here’s what’s happening Bam Bam Bam Bam
here’s what’s happening Bam Bam Bam Bam
here’s what’s happening Bam Bam Bam Bam Bam yadda yadda this is this and not you
Bam yadda yadda this is this and not you
Bam yadda yadda this is this and not you know this is happening I feel this way
know this is happening I feel this way
know this is happening I feel this way when you do this or if something’s going
when you do this or if something’s going
when you do this or if something’s going on at work and this is happening etc
on at work and this is happening etc
on at work and this is happening etc right or we’re telling our kids all the
right or we’re telling our kids all the
right or we’re telling our kids all the ways that they’ve done this thing
ways that they’ve done this thing
ways that they’ve done this thing incorrectly of course right and the
incorrectly of course right and the
incorrectly of course right and the subtext for this honestly is I know
subtext for this honestly is I know
subtext for this honestly is I know what’s happening I have this figured out
what’s happening I have this figured out
what’s happening I have this figured out it’s my perspective matters right now
it’s my perspective matters right now
it’s my perspective matters right now shut up and listen and hey if we’re
shut up and listen and hey if we’re
shut up and listen and hey if we’re gonna complain about something we know
gonna complain about something we know
gonna complain about something we know that if we are going to complain we need
that if we are going to complain we need
that if we are going to complain we need to have the answer the solution so we
to have the answer the solution so we
to have the answer the solution so we follow this up quickly by like here’s
follow this up quickly by like here’s
follow this up quickly by like here’s what you need to do do this not that
what you need to do do this not that
what you need to do do this not that right the subtext for this still remains
right the subtext for this still remains
right the subtext for this still remains like I have this figured out my
like I have this figured out my
like I have this figured out my perspective matters and in fact I’m
perspective matters and in fact I’m
perspective matters and in fact I’m smarter I’m better maybe I’m better at
smarter I’m better maybe I’m better at
smarter I’m better maybe I’m better at this and when this happens there’s
this and when this happens there’s
this and when this happens there’s always an ultimatum always it can be
always an ultimatum always it can be
always an ultimatum always it can be inferred it can be unspoken it can be
inferred it can be unspoken it can be
inferred it can be unspoken it can be understood between people they know that
understood between people they know that
understood between people they know that there’s a cut excuse me there’s a
there’s a cut excuse me there’s a
there’s a cut excuse me there’s a consequence right in relationship it can
consequence right in relationship it can
consequence right in relationship it can be something like I’ll stay angry there
be something like I’ll stay angry there
be something like I’ll stay angry there will be no sex or this relationship
will be no sex or this relationship
will be no sex or this relationship could be over right now
could be over right now
could be over right now here is an example honey
here is an example honey
here is an example honey I worked all day too I mean I had to
I worked all day too I mean I had to
I worked all day too I mean I had to stop at the daycare and get the kids and
stop at the daycare and get the kids and
stop at the daycare and get the kids and then I come home I have to make supper
then I come home I have to make supper
then I come home I have to make supper but
but
but time you get home I’ve been alone with
time you get home I’ve been alone with
time you get home I’ve been alone with them for an hour and a half they’re
them for an hour and a half they’re
them for an hour and a half they’re screaming their heads off I’m making
screaming their heads off I’m making
screaming their heads off I’m making dinner you just waltz right in the house
dinner you just waltz right in the house
dinner you just waltz right in the house okay go to the living room turn on the
okay go to the living room turn on the
okay go to the living room turn on the TV and you’ve got a half an hour to
TV and you’ve got a half an hour to
TV and you’ve got a half an hour to relax um we kind of nice if you would
relax um we kind of nice if you would
relax um we kind of nice if you would actually like greet us or maybe help me
actually like greet us or maybe help me
actually like greet us or maybe help me out a little bit I would love to have a
out a little bit I would love to have a
out a little bit I would love to have a half an hour to just decompress after
half an hour to just decompress after
half an hour to just decompress after work right now here’s the thing all of
work right now here’s the thing all of
work right now here’s the thing all of us get into what I like to call complete
us get into what I like to call complete
us get into what I like to call complete empathy gridlock there are some
empathy gridlock there are some
empathy gridlock there are some relationships or people or situations in
relationships or people or situations in
relationships or people or situations in our life or relationships our intimate
our life or relationships our intimate
our life or relationships our intimate relationships where we just care about
relationships where we just care about
relationships where we just care about our perspective so much we don’t care
our perspective so much we don’t care
our perspective so much we don’t care how the other person’s feeling we don’t
how the other person’s feeling we don’t
how the other person’s feeling we don’t have anything to give them we just want
have anything to give them we just want
have anything to give them we just want something from them right now I know
something from them right now I know
something from them right now I know that you can get nicer about that frame
that you can get nicer about that frame
that you can get nicer about that frame that speaking pattern you can you can do
that speaking pattern you can you can do
that speaking pattern you can you can do a softer entry you can be gentler give
a softer entry you can be gentler give
a softer entry you can be gentler give me more polite you can you know put the
me more polite you can you know put the
me more polite you can you know put the the poop sandwich you can do all that
the poop sandwich you can do all that
the poop sandwich you can do all that stuff believe me I know
stuff believe me I know
stuff believe me I know and in fact couples counseling spends a
and in fact couples counseling spends a
and in fact couples counseling spends a lot of time and energy getting people to
lot of time and energy getting people to
lot of time and energy getting people to work on this right in fact it’ll even
work on this right in fact it’ll even
work on this right in fact it’ll even give you permission to take your turn
give you permission to take your turn
give you permission to take your turn and share your perspective while your
and share your perspective while your
and share your perspective while your partner is supposed to sit there and do
partner is supposed to sit there and do
partner is supposed to sit there and do their attentive listening and attending
their attentive listening and attending
their attentive listening and attending behaviors and pretend that they are
behaviors and pretend that they are
behaviors and pretend that they are gonna be ready to give you some empathy
gonna be ready to give you some empathy
gonna be ready to give you some empathy and if you’re really good maybe you’re
and if you’re really good maybe you’re
and if you’re really good maybe you’re really good maybe you will behave and
really good maybe you will behave and
really good maybe you will behave and issue an empathy statement right it’s
issue an empathy statement right it’s
issue an empathy statement right it’s like telling children to say they’re
like telling children to say they’re
like telling children to say they’re sorry they’re really not
sorry they’re really not
sorry they’re really not so the text can shift but the subtext
so the text can shift but the subtext
so the text can shift but the subtext never does and the subtext is it is
never does and the subtext is it is
never does and the subtext is it is disrespectful it’s demanding you’re
disrespectful it’s demanding you’re
disrespectful it’s demanding you’re requiring something from someone it
requiring something from someone it
requiring something from someone it invites defensiveness I don’t know who
invites defensiveness I don’t know who
invites defensiveness I don’t know who of us like to be spoken to this way we
of us like to be spoken to this way we
of us like to be spoken to this way we pretty much all hate it right but the
pretty much all hate it right but the
pretty much all hate it right but the thing that it really does and it does
thing that it really does and it does
thing that it really does and it does this over and over it asserts it
this over and over it asserts it
this over and over it asserts it establishes and it maintains a power
establishes and it maintains a power
establishes and it maintains a power differential in the relationship and the
differential in the relationship and the
differential in the relationship and the person who is doing that takes no risk
person who is doing that takes no risk
person who is doing that takes no risk in their communication guess what this
in their communication guess what this
in their communication guess what this has absolutely no chance of getting us
has absolutely no chance of getting us
has absolutely no chance of getting us the good stuff pretty much zero the
the good stuff pretty much zero the
the good stuff pretty much zero the empathy respect and connection not going
empathy respect and connection not going
empathy respect and connection not going to happen so there here it is this has a
to happen so there here it is this has a
to happen so there here it is this has a better chance clean non blaming
better chance clean non blaming
better chance clean non blaming communication starts with it’s four
communication starts with it’s four
communication starts with it’s four steps with rules and hey if you don’t
steps with rules and hey if you don’t
steps with rules and hey if you don’t like the rules just think of these as
like the rules just think of these as
like the rules just think of these as guidelines and then follow them anyway
guidelines and then follow them anyway
guidelines and then follow them anyway first one three words I feel an emotion
first one three words I feel an emotion
first one three words I feel an emotion the second is I want or I don’t want and
the second is I want or I don’t want and
the second is I want or I don’t want and this is without the word to you so it’s
this is without the word to you so it’s
this is without the word to you so it’s not like what I want you to do or what I
not like what I want you to do or what I
not like what I want you to do or what I want from you or anything like that it’s
want from you or anything like that it’s
want from you or anything like that it’s about what I want in my own life right
about what I want in my own life right
about what I want in my own life right now for what I’m really longing for and
now for what I’m really longing for and
now for what I’m really longing for and then you decide is it negotiable and if
then you decide is it negotiable and if
then you decide is it negotiable and if it’s not then you’re studying a boundary
it’s not then you’re studying a boundary
it’s not then you’re studying a boundary or just during the first two but then
or just during the first two but then
or just during the first two but then decide if you’re going to invite someone
decide if you’re going to invite someone
decide if you’re going to invite someone in at the level of action or you’re
in at the level of action or you’re
in at the level of action or you’re going to invite them in at the level of
going to invite them in at the level of
going to invite them in at the level of discussion and thinking and you go east
discussion and thinking and you go east
discussion and thinking and you go east say can I help can you help with that or
say can I help can you help with that or
say can I help can you help with that or what do you think and then you observe
what do you think and then you observe
what do you think and then you observe and this is literally like hmm that’s
and this is literally like hmm that’s
and this is literally like hmm that’s interesting believe me you can take what
interesting believe me you can take what
interesting believe me you can take what you get you can take a know you’re
you get you can take a know you’re
you get you can take a know you’re already taking it right this is really
already taking it right this is really
already taking it right this is really good
good
good for the speaker very good for this
for the speaker very good for this
for the speaker very good for this figure this is actually a picture of you
figure this is actually a picture of you
figure this is actually a picture of you I do this before I met you I didn’t know
I do this before I met you I didn’t know
I do this before I met you I didn’t know but look there’s your body you are very
but look there’s your body you are very
but look there’s your body you are very thin
thin
thin and you’re feeling heart and believe
and you’re feeling heart and believe
and you’re feeling heart and believe that other a little squiggle over there
that other a little squiggle over there
that other a little squiggle over there that’s kind of that’s your brain right
that’s kind of that’s your brain right
that’s kind of that’s your brain right so this is good for the speaker because
so this is good for the speaker because
so this is good for the speaker because you actually have this other part of you
you actually have this other part of you
you actually have this other part of you which is I like to call it the gentle
which is I like to call it the gentle
which is I like to call it the gentle benevolent observer the central part of
benevolent observer the central part of
benevolent observer the central part of you which can be meta cognizant think
you which can be meta cognizant think
you which can be meta cognizant think about your thoughts notice your feelings
about your thoughts notice your feelings
about your thoughts notice your feelings right you actually sometimes override
right you actually sometimes override
right you actually sometimes override your impulses and your instincts when
your impulses and your instincts when
your impulses and your instincts when you do that when you pause in the moment
you do that when you pause in the moment
you do that when you pause in the moment and you ask yourself how am I feeling
and you ask yourself how am I feeling
and you ask yourself how am I feeling and what do i what am I really wanting
and what do i what am I really wanting
and what do i what am I really wanting in this moment if you also try to apply
in this moment if you also try to apply
in this moment if you also try to apply language to it you are stimulating
language to it you are stimulating
language to it you are stimulating multiple areas in your brain at the same
multiple areas in your brain at the same
multiple areas in your brain at the same time you practice doing this and over
time you practice doing this and over
time you practice doing this and over time you’re creating new neural pathways
time you’re creating new neural pathways
time you’re creating new neural pathways it’s great you are actually
it’s great you are actually
it’s great you are actually strengthening your limbic system which
strengthening your limbic system which
strengthening your limbic system which is the place that houses your capacity
is the place that houses your capacity
is the place that houses your capacity for empathy and connection believe me
for empathy and connection believe me
for empathy and connection believe me you can handle it if you don’t get what
you can handle it if you don’t get what
you can handle it if you don’t get what you want in the moment because you’re
you want in the moment because you’re
you want in the moment because you’re getting stronger
getting stronger
getting stronger anyway now this is good for the for the
anyway now this is good for the for the
anyway now this is good for the for the listener also you actually diffuse that
listener also you actually diffuse that
listener also you actually diffuse that emotional flooding that can happen from
emotional flooding that can happen from
emotional flooding that can happen from repetitive high conflict contact you
repetitive high conflict contact you
repetitive high conflict contact you also are giving them a neural punch it
also are giving them a neural punch it
also are giving them a neural punch it packs a real punch in a given day we’re
packs a real punch in a given day we’re
packs a real punch in a given day we’re bombarded they say with 34 gigabytes of
bombarded they say with 34 gigabytes of
bombarded they say with 34 gigabytes of information we can process about 60 bits
information we can process about 60 bits
information we can process about 60 bits per second and yet we take it’s coming
per second and yet we take it’s coming
per second and yet we take it’s coming at us forty million bits of information
at us forty million bits of information
at us forty million bits of information per second right you got to make this
per second right you got to make this
per second right you got to make this brief stop talking say more get more
brief stop talking say more get more
brief stop talking say more get more love sueded in there so that first
love sueded in there so that first
love sueded in there so that first scenario that I gave you the example of
scenario that I gave you the example of
scenario that I gave you the example of can turn into I feel frustrated I don’t
can turn into I feel frustrated I don’t
can turn into I feel frustrated I don’t want to do all of this myself can you
want to do all of this myself can you
want to do all of this myself can you help with that now I have used this
help with that now I have used this
help with that now I have used this communication with friends in fact I’ve
communication with friends in fact I’ve
communication with friends in fact I’ve texted
texted
texted I feel lonely I want some girl time what
I feel lonely I want some girl time what
I feel lonely I want some girl time what do you think I’ve even used it with
do you think I’ve even used it with
do you think I’ve even used it with store clerks I come in prepared right um
store clerks I come in prepared right um
store clerks I come in prepared right um I feel frustrated I don’t want to have
I feel frustrated I don’t want to have
I feel frustrated I don’t want to have to pay for materials that I think are
to pay for materials that I think are
to pay for materials that I think are subpar can you help um this is not about
subpar can you help um this is not about
subpar can you help um this is not about getting what you want it is actually
getting what you want it is actually
getting what you want it is actually about making a connection and respecting
about making a connection and respecting
about making a connection and respecting that other person as a valuable human
that other person as a valuable human
that other person as a valuable human being now if we got really good at the
being now if we got really good at the
being now if we got really good at the skill we could actually experience more
skill we could actually experience more
skill we could actually experience more respect more empathy more connection
respect more empathy more connection
respect more empathy more connection with people all the time you can take
with people all the time you can take
with people all the time you can take your relationships to deeper levels and
your relationships to deeper levels and
your relationships to deeper levels and you can leave behind all the fear of
you can leave behind all the fear of
you can leave behind all the fear of vulnerability and the power struggle
vulnerability and the power struggle
vulnerability and the power struggle that is inherent in that usual way of
that is inherent in that usual way of
that is inherent in that usual way of communicating I know because I’ve done
communicating I know because I’ve done
communicating I know because I’ve done it and so have my clients so can you now
it and so have my clients so can you now
it and so have my clients so can you now in this moment from my heart to your
in this moment from my heart to your
in this moment from my heart to your ears I feel I feel excited I want to
ears I feel I feel excited I want to
ears I feel I feel excited I want to know that I’ve contributed something
know that I’ve contributed something
know that I’ve contributed something helpful what do you think
”
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