i’m here today to talk a little bit about failure failure what does that
about failure failure what does that
about failure failure what does that word make you think of how does it make
word make you think of how does it make
word make you think of how does it make you feel can you feel your breath
you feel can you feel your breath
you feel can you feel your breath starting to come shallower can you feel
starting to come shallower can you feel
starting to come shallower can you feel your heartbeat beginning to rise can you
your heartbeat beginning to rise can you
your heartbeat beginning to rise can you feel this pit of anxiety starting to
feel this pit of anxiety starting to
feel this pit of anxiety starting to form in your stomach now I’m super
form in your stomach now I’m super
form in your stomach now I’m super excited to be here with all of you today
excited to be here with all of you today
excited to be here with all of you today but I’m feeling all of those things and
but I’m feeling all of those things and
but I’m feeling all of those things and more standing up here right now and it’s
more standing up here right now and it’s
more standing up here right now and it’s not just because I’m a little afraid of
not just because I’m a little afraid of
not just because I’m a little afraid of public speaking but it’s also because
public speaking but it’s also because
public speaking but it’s also because I’m here today to show you what it looks
I’m here today to show you what it looks
I’m here today to show you what it looks like to be a living breathing walking
like to be a living breathing walking
like to be a living breathing walking bundle of failure now she told my 21
bundle of failure now she told my 21
bundle of failure now she told my 21 year old self I’d be up here talking
year old self I’d be up here talking
year old self I’d be up here talking about my failures I probably would have
about my failures I probably would have
about my failures I probably would have rolled my eyes and been like yeah right
rolled my eyes and been like yeah right
rolled my eyes and been like yeah right and that’s because one I was kind of a
and that’s because one I was kind of a
and that’s because one I was kind of a brat as a kid and two I actually thought
brat as a kid and two I actually thought
brat as a kid and two I actually thought it was possible even likely that i was
it was possible even likely that i was
it was possible even likely that i was going to go my entire life without
going to go my entire life without
going to go my entire life without failing even once I mean I had never
failing even once I mean I had never
failing even once I mean I had never failed I worked hard I got good grades I
failed I worked hard I got good grades I
failed I worked hard I got good grades I went to the name-brand school I even
went to the name-brand school I even
went to the name-brand school I even graduated early from that school up
graduated early from that school up
graduated early from that school up until I was 21 I had done everything
until I was 21 I had done everything
until I was 21 I had done everything right and I thought the rest of my life
right and I thought the rest of my life
right and I thought the rest of my life would be smooth sailing because of it
would be smooth sailing because of it
would be smooth sailing because of it and then I graduated and I went out into
and then I graduated and I went out into
and then I graduated and I went out into the real world and oh boy was I wrong
the real world and oh boy was I wrong
the real world and oh boy was I wrong see I thought that because I’d always
see I thought that because I’d always
see I thought that because I’d always done everything right that meant that I
done everything right that meant that I
done everything right that meant that I was going to set the world on fire right
was going to set the world on fire right
was going to set the world on fire right out the gate even with a degree in
out the gate even with a degree in
out the gate even with a degree in English and studio art see looking back
English and studio art see looking back
English and studio art see looking back I don’t understand why I thought that
I don’t understand why I thought that
I don’t understand why I thought that was possible getting a degree in English
was possible getting a degree in English
was possible getting a degree in English and studio art and looking for a job
and studio art and looking for a job
and studio art and looking for a job right after a recession but at the time
right after a recession but at the time
right after a recession but at the time I was convinced I could do anything with
I was convinced I could do anything with
I was convinced I could do anything with that job and so after I graduated I
that job and so after I graduated I
that job and so after I graduated I decided I was going to become an
decided I was going to become an
decided I was going to become an elementary school teacher with a program
elementary school teacher with a program
elementary school teacher with a program called teach for america or TFA so it’s
called teach for america or TFA so it’s
called teach for america or TFA so it’s my first day as a fourth-grade teacher
my first day as a fourth-grade teacher
my first day as a fourth-grade teacher and I feel more than prepared to be an
and I feel more than prepared to be an
and I feel more than prepared to be an amazing
amazing
amazing teacher I mean I’m a newly minted
teacher I mean I’m a newly minted
teacher I mean I’m a newly minted college graduate I graduated fourth
college graduate I graduated fourth
college graduate I graduated fourth grade like 10 years ago how hard can it
grade like 10 years ago how hard can it
grade like 10 years ago how hard can it be then I walk into the first first day
be then I walk into the first first day
be then I walk into the first first day of my classroom and I look out still
of my classroom and I look out still
of my classroom and I look out still feeling pretty good I see this sea of
feeling pretty good I see this sea of
feeling pretty good I see this sea of smiling angelic nine year olds and then
smiling angelic nine year olds and then
smiling angelic nine year olds and then they stand up and I realize oh my god
they stand up and I realize oh my god
they stand up and I realize oh my god nine year olds are huge seriously they
nine year olds are huge seriously they
nine year olds are huge seriously they are all taller than me so from day 1 i’m
are all taller than me so from day 1 i’m
are all taller than me so from day 1 i’m already doubting my place as an
already doubting my place as an
already doubting my place as an authority which makes me absolutely
authority which makes me absolutely
authority which makes me absolutely clueless when it comes to managing a
clueless when it comes to managing a
clueless when it comes to managing a classroom i tried being friendly then i
classroom i tried being friendly then i
classroom i tried being friendly then i tried being mean then I tried talking
tried being mean then I tried talking
tried being mean then I tried talking over them then I lost my voice which
over them then I lost my voice which
over them then I lost my voice which made me silent and mean I did all of
made me silent and mean I did all of
made me silent and mean I did all of these things and more in the first two
these things and more in the first two
these things and more in the first two months in the classroom and when one
months in the classroom and when one
months in the classroom and when one strategy didn’t work one day I tried
strategy didn’t work one day I tried
strategy didn’t work one day I tried something completely different the next
something completely different the next
something completely different the next basically I was kind of a mess and I let
basically I was kind of a mess and I let
basically I was kind of a mess and I let it destroy me I up and quit after just
it destroy me I up and quit after just
it destroy me I up and quit after just two months on the job because I was
two months on the job because I was
two months on the job because I was convinced that I had failed which meant
convinced that I had failed which meant
convinced that I had failed which meant that I was a failure so I packed my bags
that I was a failure so I packed my bags
that I was a failure so I packed my bags I moved back home I moved back in with
I moved back home I moved back in with
I moved back home I moved back in with my parents and I’m feeling absolutely
my parents and I’m feeling absolutely
my parents and I’m feeling absolutely humiliated and I’m not just feeling
humiliated and I’m not just feeling
humiliated and I’m not just feeling humiliated I’m feeling pissed off I
humiliated I’m feeling pissed off I
humiliated I’m feeling pissed off I can’t believe that after after having
can’t believe that after after having
can’t believe that after after having worked so hard I’m back at home like
worked so hard I’m back at home like
worked so hard I’m back at home like like I was in high school I feel like
like I was in high school I feel like
like I was in high school I feel like the world has wronged me somehow and
the world has wronged me somehow and
the world has wronged me somehow and then I get introduced to the startup
then I get introduced to the startup
then I get introduced to the startup world one day and suddenly it feels like
world one day and suddenly it feels like
world one day and suddenly it feels like it’s okay for me to be a failure because
it’s okay for me to be a failure because
it’s okay for me to be a failure because everyone in the startup world is a
everyone in the startup world is a
everyone in the startup world is a failure seriously in the startup world
failure seriously in the startup world
failure seriously in the startup world we talk about failure a lot and we like
we talk about failure a lot and we like
we talk about failure a lot and we like to talk about it we talk about it so
to talk about it we talk about it so
to talk about it we talk about it so much we don’t even call it failing we’ve
much we don’t even call it failing we’ve
much we don’t even call it failing we’ve come up with our own buzz word for it
come up with our own buzz word for it
come up with our own buzz word for it it’s not failing it’s pivoting
it’s not failing it’s pivoting
it’s not failing it’s pivoting so my startup friends taught me that I
so my startup friends taught me that I
so my startup friends taught me that I hadn’t failed by quitting Teach for
hadn’t failed by quitting Teach for
hadn’t failed by quitting Teach for America I just pivoted into something
America I just pivoted into something
America I just pivoted into something new that something new ended up being a
new that something new ended up being a
new that something new ended up being a marketing job at a venture capital firm
marketing job at a venture capital firm
marketing job at a venture capital firm which on paper should have been perfect
which on paper should have been perfect
which on paper should have been perfect for me I liked startups and I’d actually
for me I liked startups and I’d actually
for me I liked startups and I’d actually found a job that appreciated a degree in
found a job that appreciated a degree in
found a job that appreciated a degree in English and studio art but even though I
English and studio art but even though I
English and studio art but even though I had forgiven myself for pivoting out of
had forgiven myself for pivoting out of
had forgiven myself for pivoting out of TFA that doesn’t mean I had learned
TFA that doesn’t mean I had learned
TFA that doesn’t mean I had learned anything from it I still had this need
anything from it I still had this need
anything from it I still had this need this instant gratification for success I
this instant gratification for success I
this instant gratification for success I I craved it and in this new job I lived
I craved it and in this new job I lived
I craved it and in this new job I lived for those moments where my bosses would
for those moments where my bosses would
for those moments where my bosses would tell me i was a superstar but my bosses
tell me i was a superstar but my bosses
tell me i was a superstar but my bosses were really busy and so they didn’t say
were really busy and so they didn’t say
were really busy and so they didn’t say things like that very often and when I
things like that very often and when I
things like that very often and when I didn’t get compliments from them I found
didn’t get compliments from them I found
didn’t get compliments from them I found myself thinking we eat does that mean I
myself thinking we eat does that mean I
myself thinking we eat does that mean I did something wrong does this mean I’m
did something wrong does this mean I’m
did something wrong does this mean I’m bad at my job and so I did exactly what
bad at my job and so I did exactly what
bad at my job and so I did exactly what I did back when I was in the classroom i
I did back when I was in the classroom i
I did back when I was in the classroom i overcorrected see I wasn’t getting
overcorrected see I wasn’t getting
overcorrected see I wasn’t getting positive feedback from my bosses but I
positive feedback from my bosses but I
positive feedback from my bosses but I was from people in other parts of the
was from people in other parts of the
was from people in other parts of the company so what happened was I started
company so what happened was I started
company so what happened was I started working on my job less and less and on
working on my job less and less and on
working on my job less and less and on other people’s jobs more and more we got
other people’s jobs more and more we got
other people’s jobs more and more we got to the point I was avoiding my bosses as
to the point I was avoiding my bosses as
to the point I was avoiding my bosses as much as humanly possible but
much as humanly possible but
much as humanly possible but volunteering for projects on the other
volunteering for projects on the other
volunteering for projects on the other side of the company which let me tell
side of the company which let me tell
side of the company which let me tell you from experience makes for a very
you from experience makes for a very
you from experience makes for a very tense and awkward work environment for
tense and awkward work environment for
tense and awkward work environment for everyone so this goes on for a little
everyone so this goes on for a little
everyone so this goes on for a little less than a year and my bosses call me
less than a year and my bosses call me
less than a year and my bosses call me into their office and we sit down for a
into their office and we sit down for a
into their office and we sit down for a long talk about cultural fit and staying
long talk about cultural fit and staying
long talk about cultural fit and staying in your lane and we we decide that I
in your lane and we we decide that I
in your lane and we we decide that I should probably start looking for
should probably start looking for
should probably start looking for another job so at this point I’m 23
another job so at this point I’m 23
another job so at this point I’m 23 years old I’ve been out of college two
years old I’ve been out of college two
years old I’ve been out of college two years and I’ve already gone through two
years and I’ve already gone through two
years and I’ve already gone through two jobs and even worse I’ve just been fired
jobs and even worse I’ve just been fired
jobs and even worse I’ve just been fired from one of them and a part of me is
from one of them and a part of me is
from one of them and a part of me is starting to think ha maybe maybe it’s
starting to think ha maybe maybe it’s
starting to think ha maybe maybe it’s not that maybe it is me maybe I’m not a
not that maybe it is me maybe I’m not a
not that maybe it is me maybe I’m not a very employable person and so instead of
very employable person and so instead of
very employable person and so instead of looking for another job I decide to take
looking for another job I decide to take
looking for another job I decide to take another pivot and start my own company
another pivot and start my own company
another pivot and start my own company instead
instead
instead now owning a business is a great way to
now owning a business is a great way to
now owning a business is a great way to get that instant gratification I talked
get that instant gratification I talked
get that instant gratification I talked about earlier because every day you have
about earlier because every day you have
about earlier because every day you have the power to do what you want to do but
the power to do what you want to do but
the power to do what you want to do but that doesn’t mean I didn’t fail there in
that doesn’t mean I didn’t fail there in
that doesn’t mean I didn’t fail there in fact I probably failed even more I just
fact I probably failed even more I just
fact I probably failed even more I just couldn’t handle it the same way that I
couldn’t handle it the same way that I
couldn’t handle it the same way that I did when I worked for someone else I
did when I worked for someone else I
did when I worked for someone else I couldn’t run away from the problem or
couldn’t run away from the problem or
couldn’t run away from the problem or push it off on someone else or pretend
push it off on someone else or pretend
push it off on someone else or pretend it didn’t exist if I wanted to make
it didn’t exist if I wanted to make
it didn’t exist if I wanted to make money I had to be uncomfortable and make
money I had to be uncomfortable and make
money I had to be uncomfortable and make mistakes and act in the moment learn
mistakes and act in the moment learn
mistakes and act in the moment learn from my mistakes like I remember calling
from my mistakes like I remember calling
from my mistakes like I remember calling up clients promising them I knew how to
up clients promising them I knew how to
up clients promising them I knew how to do something and then being on Google
do something and then being on Google
do something and then being on Google trying to learn the thing that I
trying to learn the thing that I
trying to learn the thing that I promised I already knew it was a protege
promised I already knew it was a protege
promised I already knew it was a protege help me more than one time it would have
help me more than one time it would have
help me more than one time it would have been so easy some days to just up and
been so easy some days to just up and
been so easy some days to just up and find another job to close down the
find another job to close down the
find another job to close down the business but that’s where i realized
business but that’s where i realized
business but that’s where i realized that i’ve been thinking about mistakes
that i’ve been thinking about mistakes
that i’ve been thinking about mistakes and failure all wrong see i thought that
and failure all wrong see i thought that
and failure all wrong see i thought that i had figured it out when i learned how
i had figured it out when i learned how
i had figured it out when i learned how to pivot because i thought it came down
to pivot because i thought it came down
to pivot because i thought it came down to accepting mistakes and and failing
to accepting mistakes and and failing
to accepting mistakes and and failing fast but there’s also such a thing as
fast but there’s also such a thing as
fast but there’s also such a thing as failing too fast and i think this is
failing too fast and i think this is
failing too fast and i think this is where the startup world gets it wrong
where the startup world gets it wrong
where the startup world gets it wrong see by saying that it’s okay to fail
see by saying that it’s okay to fail
see by saying that it’s okay to fail fast it also sounds like it’s okay to
fast it also sounds like it’s okay to
fast it also sounds like it’s okay to run away from hard times that’s why
run away from hard times that’s why
run away from hard times that’s why anymore instead of thinking of failures
anymore instead of thinking of failures
anymore instead of thinking of failures in terms of pivots I like to think of it
in terms of pivots I like to think of it
in terms of pivots I like to think of it like driving and skidding on an icy road
like driving and skidding on an icy road
like driving and skidding on an icy road think back to a time when you’ve been
think back to a time when you’ve been
think back to a time when you’ve been riding along and all of a sudden out of
riding along and all of a sudden out of
riding along and all of a sudden out of nowhere you hit a patch of ice and go
nowhere you hit a patch of ice and go
nowhere you hit a patch of ice and go sliding think back to that that surge of
sliding think back to that that surge of
sliding think back to that that surge of adrenaline think back to your palms
adrenaline think back to your palms
adrenaline think back to your palms sweating that gasp think back to that
sweating that gasp think back to that
sweating that gasp think back to that feeling of sheer terror because you have
feeling of sheer terror because you have
feeling of sheer terror because you have no idea what’s coming next now our
no idea what’s coming next now our
no idea what’s coming next now our instinct says that we should steer out
instinct says that we should steer out
instinct says that we should steer out of the skid we should try and get back
of the skid we should try and get back
of the skid we should try and get back on course exactly direction we were
on course exactly direction we were
on course exactly direction we were coming from but drivers ed and a lot of
coming from but drivers ed and a lot of
coming from but drivers ed and a lot of fender benders has taught me that you
fender benders has taught me that you
fender benders has taught me that you want to do exactly the opposite what you
want to do exactly the opposite what you
want to do exactly the opposite what you want to do is steer into the skid you
want to do is steer into the skid you
want to do is steer into the skid you may hate it it may terrify you but you
may hate it it may terrify you but you
may hate it it may terrify you but you have to embrace it if you want to get
have to embrace it if you want to get
have to embrace it if you want to get back on course
back on course
back on course now my last big skid in September 2015
now my last big skid in September 2015
now my last big skid in September 2015 and up until this point I felt pretty
and up until this point I felt pretty
and up until this point I felt pretty good about my company I was learning a
good about my company I was learning a
good about my company I was learning a lot I was having a great time with my
lot I was having a great time with my
lot I was having a great time with my clients I felt like an adult for the
clients I felt like an adult for the
clients I felt like an adult for the first time in my life and then two of my
first time in my life and then two of my
first time in my life and then two of my clients called me up on the same day and
clients called me up on the same day and
clients called me up on the same day and both told me that they were closing down
both told me that they were closing down
both told me that they were closing down and going out of business now to clients
and going out of business now to clients
and going out of business now to clients may not sound like a lot but for me that
may not sound like a lot but for me that
may not sound like a lot but for me that was half of my predictable income every
was half of my predictable income every
was half of my predictable income every month then another client called me up
month then another client called me up
month then another client called me up out of the blue cancels our contract she
out of the blue cancels our contract she
out of the blue cancels our contract she tells me she’s hated the work that we’ve
tells me she’s hated the work that we’ve
tells me she’s hated the work that we’ve done together for the past six months
done together for the past six months
done together for the past six months and suddenly I’m starting to feel back
and suddenly I’m starting to feel back
and suddenly I’m starting to feel back like I did when I was teaching suddenly
like I did when I was teaching suddenly
like I did when I was teaching suddenly I don’t even know if I can pay rent
I don’t even know if I can pay rent
I don’t even know if I can pay rent anymore and I start to feel unemployable
anymore and I start to feel unemployable
anymore and I start to feel unemployable only now I feel like I can’t employ
only now I feel like I can’t employ
only now I feel like I can’t employ myself let alone ask someone else to
myself let alone ask someone else to
myself let alone ask someone else to hire me and I feel frozen at the wheel
hire me and I feel frozen at the wheel
hire me and I feel frozen at the wheel wanting to steer out of the skid but
wanting to steer out of the skid but
wanting to steer out of the skid but having no idea where to steer to now
having no idea where to steer to now
having no idea where to steer to now this goes on for about two weeks two
this goes on for about two weeks two
this goes on for about two weeks two weeks of me not being able to eat not
weeks of me not being able to eat not
weeks of me not being able to eat not being able to sleep I have no idea what
being able to sleep I have no idea what
being able to sleep I have no idea what to do but it’s all I can think about and
to do but it’s all I can think about and
to do but it’s all I can think about and I wanted to steer out of that skid but I
I wanted to steer out of that skid but I
I wanted to steer out of that skid but I didn’t I kept going with the company and
didn’t I kept going with the company and
didn’t I kept going with the company and even though it’s been scaled back now
even though it’s been scaled back now
even though it’s been scaled back now I’m so glad that I’ve kept it alive
I’m so glad that I’ve kept it alive
I’m so glad that I’ve kept it alive because in the last year and a half I’ve
because in the last year and a half I’ve
because in the last year and a half I’ve gotten to meet so many new clients and
gotten to meet so many new clients and
gotten to meet so many new clients and work on so many companies and learn so
work on so many companies and learn so
work on so many companies and learn so many things that I’ve never would have
many things that I’ve never would have
many things that I’ve never would have learned before and I’m not going to lie
learned before and I’m not going to lie
learned before and I’m not going to lie it’s been hard sometimes leaning into
it’s been hard sometimes leaning into
it’s been hard sometimes leaning into that uncertainty and it’s stressful and
that uncertainty and it’s stressful and
that uncertainty and it’s stressful and it’s scary and I don’t know if that ever
it’s scary and I don’t know if that ever
it’s scary and I don’t know if that ever goes away but what I will say is that
goes away but what I will say is that
goes away but what I will say is that once I stopped looking at life in terms
once I stopped looking at life in terms
once I stopped looking at life in terms of successes and failures or even in
of successes and failures or even in
of successes and failures or even in terms of pivots I became a lot more okay
terms of pivots I became a lot more okay
terms of pivots I became a lot more okay with that uncertainty so the next time
with that uncertainty so the next time
with that uncertainty so the next time you feel that hang of anxiety welling up
you feel that hang of anxiety welling up
you feel that hang of anxiety welling up in your stomach because you know that
in your stomach because you know that
in your stomach because you know that you failed at something don’t try and
you failed at something don’t try and
you failed at something don’t try and push it down or forget that it exists
push it down or forget that it exists
push it down or forget that it exists recognize it embrace that skid and
recognize it embrace that skid and
recognize it embrace that skid and somehow some way you’ll find a way to do
somehow some way you’ll find a way to do
somehow some way you’ll find a way to do I’ve on thank you
”
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