thank you as I was getting ready to come here today I spent a bit of time
here today I spent a bit of time
here today I spent a bit of time thinking about the very first time that
thinking about the very first time that
thinking about the very first time that I was ever up on a stage it was for a
I was ever up on a stage it was for a
I was ever up on a stage it was for a kindergarten play and my line was I is
kindergarten play and my line was I is
kindergarten play and my line was I is for ice cream and I wouldn’t be
for ice cream and I wouldn’t be
for ice cream and I wouldn’t be exaggerating if I told you that I
exaggerating if I told you that I
exaggerating if I told you that I rehearsed those five words at least a
rehearsed those five words at least a
rehearsed those five words at least a hundred times in front of the mirror
hundred times in front of the mirror
hundred times in front of the mirror when the big day came I was so nervous
when the big day came I was so nervous
when the big day came I was so nervous while I was waiting for my turn that I
while I was waiting for my turn that I
while I was waiting for my turn that I had grabbed the hem of my skirt and I
had grabbed the hem of my skirt and I
had grabbed the hem of my skirt and I was clutching it up against my belly I
was clutching it up against my belly I
was clutching it up against my belly I didn’t realize that I was flashing the
didn’t realize that I was flashing the
didn’t realize that I was flashing the entire audience
entire audience
entire audience so I’m keeping my hands up today to make
so I’m keeping my hands up today to make
so I’m keeping my hands up today to make sure history doesn’t repeat itself so
sure history doesn’t repeat itself so
sure history doesn’t repeat itself so I’m here to tell you a little bit about
I’m here to tell you a little bit about
I’m here to tell you a little bit about my life and I would like to begin by
my life and I would like to begin by
my life and I would like to begin by sharing a poem that I wrote to myself
sharing a poem that I wrote to myself
sharing a poem that I wrote to myself about five years ago like I is for ice
about five years ago like I is for ice
about five years ago like I is for ice cream
cream
cream it’s something that I recited in the
it’s something that I recited in the
it’s something that I recited in the mirror hundreds if not thousands of
mirror hundreds if not thousands of
mirror hundreds if not thousands of times to the little girl inside of me
times to the little girl inside of me
times to the little girl inside of me whose voice was stripped away at three
whose voice was stripped away at three
whose voice was stripped away at three years old by a tormented soul on that
years old by a tormented soul on that
years old by a tormented soul on that ever life-changing day and I know he
ever life-changing day and I know he
ever life-changing day and I know he made you promise that the secret was
made you promise that the secret was
made you promise that the secret was safe with you
safe with you
safe with you and so you’ve played it just right and
and so you’ve played it just right and
and so you’ve played it just right and you chucked it all deep inside and no
you chucked it all deep inside and no
you chucked it all deep inside and no one had a clue well I am here to tell
one had a clue well I am here to tell
one had a clue well I am here to tell you that there is power in your word so
you that there is power in your word so
you that there is power in your word so gather up all your might because it’s
gather up all your might because it’s
gather up all your might because it’s about time that the truth is finally
about time that the truth is finally
about time that the truth is finally heard the truth is that that poem was
heard the truth is that that poem was
heard the truth is that that poem was written about sexual abuse and the truth
written about sexual abuse and the truth
written about sexual abuse and the truth is that like me an estimated half a
is that like me an estimated half a
is that like me an estimated half a million of the babies that are born in
million of the babies that are born in
million of the babies that are born in the United States alone this year
the United States alone this year
the United States alone this year they’ll be sexually abused before they
they’ll be sexually abused before they
they’ll be sexually abused before they turn 18 that’s half a million of our
turn 18 that’s half a million of our
turn 18 that’s half a million of our babies that will be sexually violated
babies that will be sexually violated
babies that will be sexually violated while they’re still children if you
while they’re still children if you
while they’re still children if you think about your child or grandchild’s
think about your child or grandchild’s
think about your child or grandchild’s kindergarten classroom ask yourself
kindergarten classroom ask yourself
kindergarten classroom ask yourself which of those kids are part of the
which of those kids are part of the
which of those kids are part of the statistic so approximately 90% of
statistic so approximately 90% of
statistic so approximately 90% of victims are abused by somebody they know
victims are abused by somebody they know
victims are abused by somebody they know and interestingly enough it’s also 90%
and interestingly enough it’s also 90%
and interestingly enough it’s also 90% of victims who never report their crime
of victims who never report their crime
of victims who never report their crime so that means that 90% of child
so that means that 90% of child
so that means that 90% of child molesters are free to continue to walk
molesters are free to continue to walk
molesters are free to continue to walk our streets and abuse more children so
our streets and abuse more children so
our streets and abuse more children so when I heard these statistics I was
when I heard these statistics I was
when I heard these statistics I was floored
floored
floored mostly because growing up I thought I
mostly because growing up I thought I
mostly because growing up I thought I was the only person this had ever
was the only person this had ever
was the only person this had ever happened to well years later Oprah
happened to well years later Oprah
happened to well years later Oprah mentioned it on a show so then it was
mentioned it on a show so then it was
mentioned it on a show so then it was just she and I
just she and I
just she and I but sexual abuse is taboo so people
but sexual abuse is taboo so people
but sexual abuse is taboo so people aren’t supposed to do it but it also
aren’t supposed to do it but it also
aren’t supposed to do it but it also means that people aren’t supposed to
means that people aren’t supposed to
means that people aren’t supposed to talk about it however when I realized
talk about it however when I realized
talk about it however when I realized that there’s 39 million survivors of
that there’s 39 million survivors of
that there’s 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse in our country it
childhood sexual abuse in our country it
childhood sexual abuse in our country it becomes really clear to me that the
becomes really clear to me that the
becomes really clear to me that the taboo isn’t stopping it from happening
taboo isn’t stopping it from happening
taboo isn’t stopping it from happening so I am no longer gonna allow it to keep
so I am no longer gonna allow it to keep
so I am no longer gonna allow it to keep me silent by the time I was seven years
me silent by the time I was seven years
me silent by the time I was seven years old seven different people had sexually
old seven different people had sexually
old seven different people had sexually abused me three of them had a rape to me
abused me three of them had a rape to me
abused me three of them had a rape to me and the first time I was raped I was
and the first time I was raped I was
and the first time I was raped I was only three each of them was somebody who
only three each of them was somebody who
only three each of them was somebody who is known and trusted by the family and
is known and trusted by the family and
is known and trusted by the family and each of them had their own way of
each of them had their own way of
each of them had their own way of ensuring that I would stay silent their
ensuring that I would stay silent their
ensuring that I would stay silent their own way of stealing my voice and the one
own way of stealing my voice and the one
own way of stealing my voice and the one that stands out the most to me is the
that stands out the most to me is the
that stands out the most to me is the teenage boy who after raping me
teenage boy who after raping me
teenage boy who after raping me told me that I should never tell anybody
told me that I should never tell anybody
told me that I should never tell anybody what had happened because if my parents
what had happened because if my parents
what had happened because if my parents ever found out they wouldn’t love me
ever found out they wouldn’t love me
ever found out they wouldn’t love me anymore they would disown me and I would
anymore they would disown me and I would
anymore they would disown me and I would be kicked out on the streets Wow I was
be kicked out on the streets Wow I was
be kicked out on the streets Wow I was officially unlovable and I was so
officially unlovable and I was so
officially unlovable and I was so ashamed by the time I was eight years
ashamed by the time I was eight years
ashamed by the time I was eight years old I was so overwhelmed with these
old I was so overwhelmed with these
old I was so overwhelmed with these complex emotions that I didn’t
complex emotions that I didn’t
complex emotions that I didn’t understand I had no clue how to process
understand I had no clue how to process
understand I had no clue how to process them that one day I found myself
them that one day I found myself
them that one day I found myself crouched down in front of an electrical
crouched down in front of an electrical
crouched down in front of an electrical outlet with a pair of scissors in hand I
just want to die I can’t do it life is
just want to die I can’t do it life is too hard coming mom
too hard coming mom
too hard coming mom I’ll be right there and I walked out
I’ll be right there and I walked out
I’ll be right there and I walked out blaming allergies for my watery eyes in
blaming allergies for my watery eyes in
blaming allergies for my watery eyes in my red face and I pretended like nothing
my red face and I pretended like nothing
my red face and I pretended like nothing was wrong and I kept up the act pretty
was wrong and I kept up the act pretty
was wrong and I kept up the act pretty successfully until I was about 15 or 16
successfully until I was about 15 or 16
successfully until I was about 15 or 16 and that’s when a dear friend of mine
and that’s when a dear friend of mine
and that’s when a dear friend of mine raped me and it wasn’t physical force
raped me and it wasn’t physical force
raped me and it wasn’t physical force that he used to restrain me it was
that he used to restrain me it was
that he used to restrain me it was blackmail
blackmail
blackmail he used threats to immobilize me so that
he used threats to immobilize me so that
he used threats to immobilize me so that he could do what he wanted to do and
he could do what he wanted to do and
he could do what he wanted to do and when all was said and done he made it
when all was said and done he made it
when all was said and done he made it very clear what would happen to me if I
very clear what would happen to me if I
very clear what would happen to me if I ever told anybody so once again I had no
ever told anybody so once again I had no
ever told anybody so once again I had no voice and this time it wasn’t just shame
voice and this time it wasn’t just shame
voice and this time it wasn’t just shame that I felt it was anger and it wasn’t
that I felt it was anger and it wasn’t
that I felt it was anger and it wasn’t even just anger it was rage but I
even just anger it was rage but I
even just anger it was rage but I couldn’t express the rage because then
couldn’t express the rage because then
couldn’t express the rage because then people would ask questions what was I so
people would ask questions what was I so
people would ask questions what was I so upset about I couldn’t talk about it I
upset about I couldn’t talk about it I
upset about I couldn’t talk about it I couldn’t tell them so i internalized the
couldn’t tell them so i internalized the
couldn’t tell them so i internalized the rage and I began to self-destruct I
rage and I began to self-destruct I
rage and I began to self-destruct I started drinking more and if I was at a
started drinking more and if I was at a
started drinking more and if I was at a party and someone was passing around
party and someone was passing around
party and someone was passing around drugs I would try and I was smoking
drugs I would try and I was smoking
drugs I would try and I was smoking cigarettes skipping class and sleeping
cigarettes skipping class and sleeping
cigarettes skipping class and sleeping around I just didn’t care and then it
around I just didn’t care and then it
around I just didn’t care and then it all caught up with me and one day I had
all caught up with me and one day I had
all caught up with me and one day I had a total and complete breakdown and I did
a total and complete breakdown and I did
a total and complete breakdown and I did not stop crying for days and finally I
not stop crying for days and finally I
not stop crying for days and finally I told my mom I was so depressed and she
told my mom I was so depressed and she
told my mom I was so depressed and she got me help I was put on antidepressants
got me help I was put on antidepressants
got me help I was put on antidepressants and I was able to get my life back
and I was able to get my life back
and I was able to get my life back together enough to be able to graduate
together enough to be able to graduate
together enough to be able to graduate high school while still 16 and then I
high school while still 16 and then I
high school while still 16 and then I was out on my own experiencing freedom
was out on my own experiencing freedom
was out on my own experiencing freedom and independence and holy panic
and independence and holy panic
and independence and holy panic attacks it would come from out of
attacks it would come from out of
attacks it would come from out of nowhere and just knock me down and it
nowhere and just knock me down and it
nowhere and just knock me down and it would take me days just to get back up
would take me days just to get back up
would take me days just to get back up on my feet again and then I started
on my feet again and then I started
on my feet again and then I started having nightmares and I would wake up in
having nightmares and I would wake up in
having nightmares and I would wake up in the middle of the night drenched in
the middle of the night drenched in
the middle of the night drenched in sweat with my heart pounding out of my
sweat with my heart pounding out of my
sweat with my heart pounding out of my chest
chest
chest gasping for air and there was no falling
gasping for air and there was no falling
gasping for air and there was no falling back to sleep after the nightmares so my
back to sleep after the nightmares so my
back to sleep after the nightmares so my doctors put me on anti-anxiety
doctors put me on anti-anxiety
doctors put me on anti-anxiety medication and they gave me some
medication and they gave me some
medication and they gave me some sedatives so that I could sleep through
sedatives so that I could sleep through
sedatives so that I could sleep through the night and those sedatives that I
the night and those sedatives that I
the night and those sedatives that I have to tell you they gave me some of
have to tell you they gave me some of
have to tell you they gave me some of the craziest dreams
the craziest dreams
the craziest dreams in fact one night while I was visiting a
in fact one night while I was visiting a
in fact one night while I was visiting a friend of the family in Long Island
friend of the family in Long Island
friend of the family in Long Island I took my meds I went to bed and I had
I took my meds I went to bed and I had
I took my meds I went to bed and I had the most vivid and realistic dream of my
the most vivid and realistic dream of my
the most vivid and realistic dream of my entire life
had a dream that I was on a boat far out
had a dream that I was on a boat far out in the ocean and I could feel the cool
in the ocean and I could feel the cool
in the ocean and I could feel the cool breeze blowing through my hair I was
breeze blowing through my hair I was
breeze blowing through my hair I was basking in the warmth of the Sun and out
basking in the warmth of the Sun and out
basking in the warmth of the Sun and out of the corner of my eye I spotted this
of the corner of my eye I spotted this
of the corner of my eye I spotted this really good-looking captain of the ship
really good-looking captain of the ship
really good-looking captain of the ship and he slowly made his way over brush my
and he slowly made his way over brush my
and he slowly made his way over brush my hair to the side and gently began to
hair to the side and gently began to
hair to the side and gently began to kiss my neck and the dream slowly
kiss my neck and the dream slowly
kiss my neck and the dream slowly escalated and as it peeked my eyes shut
escalated and as it peeked my eyes shut
escalated and as it peeked my eyes shut open and it took me a minute to realize
open and it took me a minute to realize
open and it took me a minute to realize that I’ve been dreaming about a boat
that I’ve been dreaming about a boat
that I’ve been dreaming about a boat because I was sleeping on a waterbed and
because I was sleeping on a waterbed and
because I was sleeping on a waterbed and that cool breeze that was the
that cool breeze that was the
that cool breeze that was the oscillating fan across the room and then
oscillating fan across the room and then
oscillating fan across the room and then I realized that my dream folk captain
I realized that my dream folk captain
I realized that my dream folk captain was actually a 76 year old man who had
was actually a 76 year old man who had
was actually a 76 year old man who had played a significantly positive role in
played a significantly positive role in
played a significantly positive role in my childhood he knew I was going to be
my childhood he knew I was going to be
my childhood he knew I was going to be knocked out so he snuck into my room and
knocked out so he snuck into my room and
knocked out so he snuck into my room and he raped me this event was the straw
he raped me this event was the straw
he raped me this event was the straw that broke the camel’s back in less than
that broke the camel’s back in less than
that broke the camel’s back in less than a week later I found myself standing on
a week later I found myself standing on
a week later I found myself standing on a bridge outside of Philadelphia ready
a bridge outside of Philadelphia ready
a bridge outside of Philadelphia ready to jump if there is a God please just
to jump if there is a God please just
to jump if there is a God please just let me die instantly when I hit the
let me die instantly when I hit the
let me die instantly when I hit the water
water
water oh and as I get gathered the courage to
oh and as I get gathered the courage to
oh and as I get gathered the courage to jump a car honked as it drove past me on
jump a car honked as it drove past me on
jump a car honked as it drove past me on the bridge and as I turned to look I saw
the bridge and as I turned to look I saw
the bridge and as I turned to look I saw the light and first it was red and then
the light and first it was red and then
the light and first it was red and then it was blue and then it was red and then
it was blue and then it was red and then
it was blue and then it was red and then it was blue there was an emergency
it was blue there was an emergency
it was blue there was an emergency vehicle headed my direction and I froze
vehicle headed my direction and I froze
vehicle headed my direction and I froze and it wasn’t until those lights pulled
and it wasn’t until those lights pulled
and it wasn’t until those lights pulled up behind my little jet on the bridge
up behind my little jet on the bridge
up behind my little jet on the bridge that I could breathe again
to Pennsylvania highway patrolman
to Pennsylvania highway patrolman stepped out and very cautiously
stepped out and very cautiously
stepped out and very cautiously approached excuse me ma’am are you okay
I’m not okay do you need help yes I need
I’m not okay do you need help yes I need help so I was coaxed back to the inside
help so I was coaxed back to the inside
help so I was coaxed back to the inside of the bridge where I was handcuffed and
of the bridge where I was handcuffed and
of the bridge where I was handcuffed and loaded into the back of a police van and
loaded into the back of a police van and
loaded into the back of a police van and one of the officers told me that evening
one of the officers told me that evening
one of the officers told me that evening that I had my very own superhero someone
that I had my very own superhero someone
that I had my very own superhero someone had seen me on the bridge and called
had seen me on the bridge and called
had seen me on the bridge and called 9-1-1 to get me help the little girl
9-1-1 to get me help the little girl
9-1-1 to get me help the little girl inside of me likes to think it was
inside of me likes to think it was
inside of me likes to think it was Wonder Woman so 12 years a marriage two
Wonder Woman so 12 years a marriage two
Wonder Woman so 12 years a marriage two handsome boys and a divorce later I
handsome boys and a divorce later I
handsome boys and a divorce later I found myself in the middle of a major
found myself in the middle of a major
found myself in the middle of a major health crisis and I knew that something
health crisis and I knew that something
health crisis and I knew that something had to change rapidly and drastically or
had to change rapidly and drastically or
had to change rapidly and drastically or else I was going to be dead soon and I
else I was going to be dead soon and I
else I was going to be dead soon and I spent some time thinking about all of
spent some time thinking about all of
spent some time thinking about all of the things I’ve been through in life all
the things I’ve been through in life all
the things I’ve been through in life all of the times I’ve been sexually abused
of the times I’ve been sexually abused
of the times I’ve been sexually abused the times I had been raped the times I
the times I had been raped the times I
the times I had been raped the times I had tried to take my own life only to
had tried to take my own life only to
had tried to take my own life only to wake up in the morning and realize I
wake up in the morning and realize I
wake up in the morning and realize I can’t get off this planet and I had to
can’t get off this planet and I had to
can’t get off this planet and I had to ask myself if it had all happened so
ask myself if it had all happened so
ask myself if it had all happened so that I could just fade away and die at
that I could just fade away and die at
that I could just fade away and die at 33 no no no that was not going to be the
33 no no no that was not going to be the
33 no no no that was not going to be the ending of my story
ending of my story
ending of my story so then why had it happened why did I
so then why had it happened why did I
so then why had it happened why did I have to go through all of that it took
have to go through all of that it took
have to go through all of that it took me a little bit of time but then one
me a little bit of time but then one
me a little bit of time but then one Thursday afternoon while I was
Thursday afternoon while I was
Thursday afternoon while I was meditating on the red couch of my
meditating on the red couch of my
meditating on the red couch of my basement in Flagstaff Arizona it hit me
basement in Flagstaff Arizona it hit me
basement in Flagstaff Arizona it hit me and suddenly it all made sense I took on
and suddenly it all made sense I took on
and suddenly it all made sense I took on this mountain of sexual abuse to show
this mountain of sexual abuse to show
this mountain of sexual abuse to show others the mountains can be moved I had
others the mountains can be moved I had
others the mountains can be moved I had to go through hell
to go through hell
to go through hell to find my way out to find my way to the
to find my way out to find my way to the
to find my way out to find my way to the other side to healing and I needed to
other side to healing and I needed to
other side to healing and I needed to create a bridge so that I could help
create a bridge so that I could help
create a bridge so that I could help other people find their way to that day
other people find their way to that day
other people find their way to that day on the red couch I stopped looking at
on the red couch I stopped looking at
on the red couch I stopped looking at myself as a victim and I realized that
myself as a victim and I realized that
myself as a victim and I realized that I’m less survivor I stopped taking my
I’m less survivor I stopped taking my
I’m less survivor I stopped taking my life for granted and I started to fight
life for granted and I started to fight
life for granted and I started to fight for it and in the process I had to learn
for it and in the process I had to learn
for it and in the process I had to learn how to forgive but you know what I found
how to forgive but you know what I found
how to forgive but you know what I found peace like I have never known before
peace like I have never known before
peace like I have never known before and today I am living a life that I love
and today I am living a life that I love
and today I am living a life that I love with a man that I adore who cherishes me
with a man that I adore who cherishes me
with a man that I adore who cherishes me in return and together we’re raising
in return and together we’re raising
in return and together we’re raising four amazing kids and it all started
four amazing kids and it all started
four amazing kids and it all started that day on the red couch because that’s
that day on the red couch because that’s
that day on the red couch because that’s the day I went from wounded to warrior
the day I went from wounded to warrior
the day I went from wounded to warrior and now I am on a mission to end the
and now I am on a mission to end the
and now I am on a mission to end the silence the childhood sexual abuse
silence the childhood sexual abuse
silence the childhood sexual abuse thrives on and I need all of your help I
thrives on and I need all of your help I
thrives on and I need all of your help I need each and every single one of you to
need each and every single one of you to
need each and every single one of you to start talking about sexual abuse it’s
start talking about sexual abuse it’s
start talking about sexual abuse it’s uncomfortable trust me I know but talk
uncomfortable trust me I know but talk
uncomfortable trust me I know but talk to your loved ones and talk to your
to your loved ones and talk to your
to your loved ones and talk to your friends most importantly talk to your
friends most importantly talk to your
friends most importantly talk to your children start younger than you think
children start younger than you think
children start younger than you think you need to because by the time I said I
you need to because by the time I said I
you need to because by the time I said I is for ice cream I already had two years
is for ice cream I already had two years
is for ice cream I already had two years of sexual abuse under my belt so teach
of sexual abuse under my belt so teach
of sexual abuse under my belt so teach them very clearly what the boundaries
them very clearly what the boundaries
them very clearly what the boundaries are and that it’s not okay for anybody
are and that it’s not okay for anybody
are and that it’s not okay for anybody to cross those lines tell them that it’s
to cross those lines tell them that it’s
to cross those lines tell them that it’s important to come and tell you if anyone
important to come and tell you if anyone
important to come and tell you if anyone tries and let them know that you’re
tries and let them know that you’re
tries and let them know that you’re going to love them no matter what teach
going to love them no matter what teach
going to love them no matter what teach them how to respect these boundaries on
them how to respect these boundaries on
them how to respect these boundaries on others so that they don’t grow up to
others so that they don’t grow up to
others so that they don’t grow up to rape or abuse somebody else in the
rape or abuse somebody else in the
rape or abuse somebody else in the future
future
future your voice might be what it takes to
your voice might be what it takes to
your voice might be what it takes to prevent something like this from
prevent something like this from
prevent something like this from happening and maybe you’re already too
happening and maybe you’re already too
happening and maybe you’re already too late or forbid it happens anyways keep
late or forbid it happens anyways keep
late or forbid it happens anyways keep talking about it
talking about it
talking about it your voice might be what it takes for
your voice might be what it takes for
your voice might be what it takes for another survivor to find their own and
another survivor to find their own and
another survivor to find their own and it’s not until they find their voice
it’s not until they find their voice
it’s not until they find their voice that they too can begin the journey of
that they too can begin the journey of
that they too can begin the journey of going from wounded to warrior
going from wounded to warrior
going from wounded to warrior thank you
”
Be First to Comment