Thomas is 17 and has a girlfriend.
They’ve been having sex for six months.
Although his girlfriend has an orgasm every time they have sex, he doesn’t.
In fact, Thomas has never had an orgasm and never masturbated.
Sex for him can be painful.
This story is so not believable!
(Laughter)
But what if Thomas is a girl?
Then we’re not that surprised.
We expect teenage boys to know their body sexually,
but not girls.
Are we really OK with this?
We have failed to empower girls around their sexuality.
It starts when the toddler joyously finds her clitoris,
and the adults cringe and move her hand away.
It continues in fifth grade,
when the boys learn about their erections and wet dreams,
and the girls learn about their periods.
It’s time to talk to girls about sex.
Whether we like it or not, adolescent girls are having sex.
Well over a third will have sex in high school,
and nearly three quarters before they turn 21.
I’m a nurse practitioner with a specialty in adolescent medicine.
Most of my patients are female
and many come to me for contraception and other sexual heath needs.
In my clinic,
the majority of heterosexually active teenage girls don’t like sex.
They’ve never had an orgasm,
and even tell me sex is boring.
Boring?
So they may be having intercourse,
but they haven’t embraced their sexuality.
I’ll tell you two patients:
Stephanie is 17 and powerless in her relationship.
She doesn’t know how to ask
for what she wants emotionally, and certainly, not sexually.
Her focus is pleasing her boyfriend.
He controls when they have sex, how they have sex,
and what kind of birth control is used, if any.
Because Stephanie has never masturbated, and doesn’t know her own body,
she doesn’t know that sex can be any different.
She actually asked me,
“What am I supposed to do during sex?”,
and then said, “Girls can come, too?”
Another patient is Carmen,
who at 16, is smart, articulate, and confident.
She came in to get herself on birth control.
But when I ask Carmen about the sex with her boyfriend,
the confidence disappears.
She says, “I thought it would be better.”
I tell her, “You’re not the only girl your age
that doesn’t like sex, and there is nothing wrong with you,”
and she is so relieved.
She hasn’t told anyone her feelings about sex.
She’s felt alone, different, and ashamed.
No one told her that like most new skills,
it’s going to take some practice and advice to have good sex.
Every week, I see patients like Stephanie and Carmen,
who are confused and shamed by their sexual experiences.
People would say, “They are too young.
These girls should wait until they are older to have sex.”
But getting older isn’t going to fix the problems that I see.
Sure, the emotional maturity that comes with age will help,
but even if a young woman waits until marriage to have sex,
there’s still some basic information
she needs to know about sexual pleasure and orgasm.
Don’t we all know adult women – you may be one yourself –
who are still denying their sexual needs,
still thinking there’s something wrong with them,
and wondering why their sex lives are not fulfilling?
I’m not advocating for teenagers to have sex.
I’m saying teenage girls are sexual beings,
and some day, maybe sooner rather than later,
they’ll be sexually active.
Talking about sex can be challenging for any of us,
and talking about sex with our kids even more so,
especially if you come
from a certain cultural or religious backgrounds.
Two generations ago, we couldn’t talk to girls about their periods.
Now it’s time for us to face our discomforts
and talk to girls about sex.
Girls have heard plenty about how not to get pregnant,
how not to get STDs, and how to say no to sex.
But what they haven’t heard
is what happens when they say yes to sex.
Believe me, they want to know about that yes.
So, lacking other sources,
where do girls turn for information about sex?
The Internet, social media,
and they turned to porn,
either voluntarily, by watching it themselves,
or involuntarily as they deal
with the porn-fueled expectations of their sexual partners.
What if we talk to them about sex?
What if we, as mothers, or perhaps even easier: as sisters, or aunties,
or healthcare providers talk to girls about what happens
when you say a healthy yes to sex?
This is some of what girls need to hear,
“You have to learn how to have sex.”
“Enjoyable sex doesn’t just magically happen.”
“Sex isn’t like chocolate; chocolate’s always good”
(laughter)
“sex has to be learned,
and while you’re learning, it can be awkward.”
“It helps if you can talk to your partner about sex,
laugh together about it.”
“You’ll get there.”
And girls need to hear,
“Sex with a guy shouldn’t just be all about him.
It’s usually about pleasing each other.”
“Sex for you should be fun and pleasurable.”
Girls need to hear that because just too many girls tell me
that sex is boring, or much more commonly, painful.
And girls need to hear,
“Hey, good sex is going to take creativity and exploration.
But do only what you feel comfortable doing.”
“Your partner may expect you to do things that you’re just not into.”
“You can say no and don’t feel bad about it.”
And girls need to hear,
“Masturbation for girls is not only normal, it’s probably necessary.
“Masturbation is
how you learn about your body and how to have an orgasm.”
“Simply put,
it’s really helpful if you know how to have sex with yourself,
before you have sex with another person.”
So wouldn’t you have enjoyed hearing some of this when you were young?
(Applause)
This doesn’t cover the needs of all young women,
but it’s a good place to start.
So I invite you all to talk to girls about sex,
and rather than ‘the’ talk, have short, frequent conversations.
You can talk about the sex scenes in movies,
other people’s relationships –
have been plenty of articles in the media lately.
(Laughter)
And remember:
balance messages of caution with messages of empowerment
because here is the thing:
when we give girls a healthy vision of sex,
and when we teach girls how to talk about sex,
we empower them in how they do sex.
So let’s talk to our girls about sex
and help create sexual-empowered young women.
(Applause)
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