so my name is Lee Thomas I am a speaker I’m a writer I’m a mental health
I’m a writer I’m a mental health
I’m a writer I’m a mental health advocate
advocate
advocate I live with bipolar disorder ADHD
I live with bipolar disorder ADHD
I live with bipolar disorder ADHD trichotillomania and and social anxiety
trichotillomania and and social anxiety
trichotillomania and and social anxiety which makes me really nervous to get up
which makes me really nervous to get up
which makes me really nervous to get up in front of a lot of people and speak so
in front of a lot of people and speak so
in front of a lot of people and speak so becoming a speaker might have been a
becoming a speaker might have been a
becoming a speaker might have been a poor career choice but there we are but
poor career choice but there we are but
poor career choice but there we are but that’s what I do I go around and I speak
that’s what I do I go around and I speak
that’s what I do I go around and I speak for a living but what I really talk
for a living but what I really talk
for a living but what I really talk about is mental health and I tell
about is mental health and I tell
about is mental health and I tell stories for a living and I tell my own
stories for a living and I tell my own
stories for a living and I tell my own story and people allow me to do that
story and people allow me to do that
story and people allow me to do that which is pretty cool but there’s this
which is pretty cool but there’s this
which is pretty cool but there’s this big question that kind of hangs over me
big question that kind of hangs over me
big question that kind of hangs over me every time I do a speaking engagement
every time I do a speaking engagement
every time I do a speaking engagement and for me that question is why why do I
and for me that question is why why do I
and for me that question is why why do I tell my story even though it makes me so
tell my story even though it makes me so
tell my story even though it makes me so nervous
nervous
nervous and why do people care why do people
and why do people care why do people
and why do people care why do people listen when I tell my story how many
listen when I tell my story how many
listen when I tell my story how many people here have a favorite story any
people here have a favorite story any
people here have a favorite story any kind of favorite story maybe it’s
kind of favorite story maybe it’s
kind of favorite story maybe it’s something that you read when you were
something that you read when you were
something that you read when you were younger any kind of favorite story
younger any kind of favorite story
younger any kind of favorite story thanks to the people who put their hands
thanks to the people who put their hands
thanks to the people who put their hands up because we’re great stories are
up because we’re great stories are
up because we’re great stories are magical human beings love stories there
magical human beings love stories there
magical human beings love stories there are four words that are the most
are four words that are the most
are four words that are the most compelling words in the whole human
compelling words in the whole human
compelling words in the whole human language and those words are once upon a
language and those words are once upon a
language and those words are once upon a time and so the story that I’m going to
time and so the story that I’m going to
time and so the story that I’m going to tell you today like all good stories
tell you today like all good stories
tell you today like all good stories starts with once upon a time so once
starts with once upon a time so once
starts with once upon a time so once upon a time there was a 12 year old girl
upon a time there was a 12 year old girl
upon a time there was a 12 year old girl living in a small town in northern
living in a small town in northern
living in a small town in northern Alberta and this girl she had a lot of
Alberta and this girl she had a lot of
Alberta and this girl she had a lot of good things going for her she was a
good things going for her she was a
good things going for her she was a varsity athlete a wrestler the coolest
varsity athlete a wrestler the coolest
varsity athlete a wrestler the coolest sport she was a student council member
sport she was a student council member
sport she was a student council member she had good grades she seemed to have
she had good grades she seemed to have
she had good grades she seemed to have friends so it seemed like she had a lot
friends so it seemed like she had a lot
friends so it seemed like she had a lot of objectively good stuff going for her
of objectively good stuff going for her
of objectively good stuff going for her but this girl was living a lie and the
but this girl was living a lie and the
but this girl was living a lie and the lie that she was living was that she was
lie that she was living was that she was
lie that she was living was that she was doing okay see because she had all of
doing okay see because she had all of
doing okay see because she had all of this good stuff going for her no one
this good stuff going for her no one
this good stuff going for her no one ever would have guessed that she was
ever would have guessed that she was
ever would have guessed that she was really really sick so as you might have
really really sick so as you might have
really really sick so as you might have guessed I was that 12 year old girl but
guessed I was that 12 year old girl but
guessed I was that 12 year old girl but as you might not have guessed I was also
as you might not have guessed I was also
as you might not have guessed I was also one of the people who didn’t know that I
one of the people who didn’t know that I
one of the people who didn’t know that I was sick for as long as I can remember
was sick for as long as I can remember
was sick for as long as I can remember I’ve had this voice in my head and that
I’ve had this voice in my head and that
I’ve had this voice in my head and that voice hated me I was never good enough
voice hated me I was never good enough
voice hated me I was never good enough or strong enough or smart enough or
or strong enough or smart enough or
or strong enough or smart enough or funny enough or pretty enough or
funny enough or pretty enough or
funny enough or pretty enough or anything
anything
anything enough for it and that made me feel
enough for it and that made me feel
enough for it and that made me feel really really bad about myself but
really really bad about myself but
really really bad about myself but instead of saying hey I feel really bad
instead of saying hey I feel really bad
instead of saying hey I feel really bad about myself maybe that’s a problem I
about myself maybe that’s a problem I
about myself maybe that’s a problem I thought that my feelings were facts and
thought that my feelings were facts and
thought that my feelings were facts and I thought that because I felt like I was
I thought that because I felt like I was
I thought that because I felt like I was a bad person it meant that I was a bad
a bad person it meant that I was a bad
a bad person it meant that I was a bad person
person
person that was the first lie that my mental
that was the first lie that my mental
that was the first lie that my mental illness told me and that lie almost
illness told me and that lie almost
illness told me and that lie almost killed me because I decided as someone
killed me because I decided as someone
killed me because I decided as someone who thought they were a bad person I
who thought they were a bad person I
who thought they were a bad person I decided to fix myself and the way that I
decided to fix myself and the way that I
decided to fix myself and the way that I decided to fix myself was by losing
decided to fix myself was by losing
decided to fix myself was by losing weight because we live in a society that
weight because we live in a society that
weight because we live in a society that tells us that losing weight is the most
tells us that losing weight is the most
tells us that losing weight is the most virtuous and admirable thing that you
virtuous and admirable thing that you
virtuous and admirable thing that you can do and I wanted to be virtuous and
can do and I wanted to be virtuous and
can do and I wanted to be virtuous and admirable it’s a powerful story that’s
admirable it’s a powerful story that’s
admirable it’s a powerful story that’s really pervasive in our society so at
really pervasive in our society so at
really pervasive in our society so at the ripe old age of 12 years old I went
the ripe old age of 12 years old I went
the ripe old age of 12 years old I went on my first diet and I don’t want to lie
on my first diet and I don’t want to lie
on my first diet and I don’t want to lie to you because this is a true story so
to you because this is a true story so
to you because this is a true story so it worked for a little bit I lost a
it worked for a little bit I lost a
it worked for a little bit I lost a little bit of weight and I did feel a
little bit of weight and I did feel a
little bit of weight and I did feel a little bit better about myself but then
little bit better about myself but then
little bit better about myself but then slowly all of those old thoughts started
slowly all of those old thoughts started
slowly all of those old thoughts started trickling back in and I felt like I
trickling back in and I felt like I
trickling back in and I felt like I wasn’t good enough and I felt like I
wasn’t good enough and I felt like I
wasn’t good enough and I felt like I wasn’t smart enough or strong enough or
wasn’t smart enough or strong enough or
wasn’t smart enough or strong enough or funny enough or pretty enough and I got
funny enough or pretty enough and I got
funny enough or pretty enough and I got really really angry I got angry with
really really angry I got angry with
really really angry I got angry with myself because I thought I wasn’t trying
myself because I thought I wasn’t trying
myself because I thought I wasn’t trying hard enough
hard enough
hard enough because I just assumed that the story I
because I just assumed that the story I
because I just assumed that the story I had been told was true I assumed that if
had been told was true I assumed that if
had been told was true I assumed that if I wanted to matter and be a good person
I wanted to matter and be a good person
I wanted to matter and be a good person I had to lose weight
I had to lose weight
I had to lose weight it never occurred to me that that story
it never occurred to me that that story
it never occurred to me that that story was a lie so I decided to try harder and
was a lie so I decided to try harder and
was a lie so I decided to try harder and I restricted food even more a funny
I restricted food even more a funny
I restricted food even more a funny thing happens just biologically when you
thing happens just biologically when you
thing happens just biologically when you restrict food your body thinks that
restrict food your body thinks that
restrict food your body thinks that you’re starving to death which in all
you’re starving to death which in all
you’re starving to death which in all fairness you are and so it slows your
fairness you are and so it slows your
fairness you are and so it slows your metabolism way down because it’s trying
metabolism way down because it’s trying
metabolism way down because it’s trying to keep you alive which actually makes
to keep you alive which actually makes
to keep you alive which actually makes it harder to lose weight and it sends
it harder to lose weight and it sends
it harder to lose weight and it sends you all of these hunger cues and that’s
you all of these hunger cues and that’s
you all of these hunger cues and that’s like the caveman part of your brain
like the caveman part of your brain
like the caveman part of your brain because those hunger cues are supposed
because those hunger cues are supposed
because those hunger cues are supposed to be like listen you got to go catch a
to be like listen you got to go catch a
to be like listen you got to go catch a wooly mammoth and then you go catch it
wooly mammoth and then you go catch it
wooly mammoth and then you go catch it um that’s you can tell I know my
um that’s you can tell I know my
um that’s you can tell I know my anthropology and it also sends you this
anthropology and it also sends you this
anthropology and it also sends you this rush of adrenaline so you have the
rush of adrenaline so you have the
rush of adrenaline so you have the energy to catch that wooly mammoth but I
energy to catch that wooly mammoth but I
energy to catch that wooly mammoth but I was 12 years old and I was not catching
was 12 years old and I was not catching
was 12 years old and I was not catching any woolly mammoths so I had all of
any woolly mammoths so I had all of
any woolly mammoths so I had all of these hunger cues and all of this
these hunger cues and all of this
these hunger cues and all of this adrenaline coursing through my body and
adrenaline coursing through my body and
adrenaline coursing through my body and it was messing up my head so I I was
it was messing up my head so I I was
it was messing up my head so I I was high on adrenaline and caffeine and I
high on adrenaline and caffeine and I
high on adrenaline and caffeine and I was hungry
was hungry
was hungry and I was just so-so
and I was just so-so
and I was just so-so angry but it didn’t occur to me at any
angry but it didn’t occur to me at any
angry but it didn’t occur to me at any point that this was a problem because I
point that this was a problem because I
point that this was a problem because I had so much going well in my life I
had so much going well in my life I
had so much going well in my life I thought that I didn’t deserve to be sad
thought that I didn’t deserve to be sad
thought that I didn’t deserve to be sad I thought I didn’t deserve to be
I thought I didn’t deserve to be
I thought I didn’t deserve to be struggling or deserve to be unhappy I
struggling or deserve to be unhappy I
struggling or deserve to be unhappy I thought life was just this hard for any
thought life was just this hard for any
thought life was just this hard for any for everyone and that I was really
for everyone and that I was really
for everyone and that I was really really ungrateful and that made me even
really ungrateful and that made me even
really ungrateful and that made me even more angry at myself and then one day I
more angry at myself and then one day I
more angry at myself and then one day I snapped it would have been in about
snapped it would have been in about
snapped it would have been in about eighth grade and it was a normal day I
eighth grade and it was a normal day I
eighth grade and it was a normal day I restricted food all day I went to
restricted food all day I went to
restricted food all day I went to wrestling practice and I came home from
wrestling practice and I came home from
wrestling practice and I came home from wrestling practice and the closest I can
wrestling practice and the closest I can
wrestling practice and the closest I can describe this is that I went into a bit
describe this is that I went into a bit
describe this is that I went into a bit of a trance and I just ate all the food
of a trance and I just ate all the food
of a trance and I just ate all the food that I could get my hands on in my house
that I could get my hands on in my house
that I could get my hands on in my house and I don’t really remember doing that
and I don’t really remember doing that
and I don’t really remember doing that but I remember how I felt when I was
but I remember how I felt when I was
but I remember how I felt when I was done I was just overwhelmed with guilt
done I was just overwhelmed with guilt
done I was just overwhelmed with guilt and dread and shame because now I
and dread and shame because now I
and dread and shame because now I thought I’m never gonna achieve my goals
thought I’m never gonna achieve my goals
thought I’m never gonna achieve my goals I’m never gonna be worth anything
I’m never gonna be worth anything
I’m never gonna be worth anything because I ate this food and all those
because I ate this food and all those
because I ate this food and all those feelings of guilt and shame overwhelms
feelings of guilt and shame overwhelms
feelings of guilt and shame overwhelms me and boiled down into one thought and
me and boiled down into one thought and
me and boiled down into one thought and for me that thought was I have to get
for me that thought was I have to get
for me that thought was I have to get rid of it so I went upstairs to the
rid of it so I went upstairs to the
rid of it so I went upstairs to the bathroom
bathroom
bathroom and I took my toothbrush and I shoved it
and I took my toothbrush and I shoved it
and I took my toothbrush and I shoved it all the way down my throat and made
all the way down my throat and made
all the way down my throat and made myself sick over and over and over again
myself sick over and over and over again
myself sick over and over and over again until all the food was gone and I
until all the food was gone and I
until all the food was gone and I thought that would make me feel better
thought that would make me feel better
thought that would make me feel better spoiler alert it did not no one in my
spoiler alert it did not no one in my
spoiler alert it did not no one in my town talked about mental illness so I
town talked about mental illness so I
town talked about mental illness so I didn’t have the words to describe what I
didn’t have the words to describe what I
didn’t have the words to describe what I had done I didn’t know the word binge
had done I didn’t know the word binge
had done I didn’t know the word binge the word purge the word bulimia I didn’t
the word purge the word bulimia I didn’t
the word purge the word bulimia I didn’t even really know what mental illness was
even really know what mental illness was
even really know what mental illness was and even though I didn’t have the
and even though I didn’t have the
and even though I didn’t have the knowledge to describe what I had just
knowledge to describe what I had just
knowledge to describe what I had just done I knew enough to know that nobody
done I knew enough to know that nobody
done I knew enough to know that nobody could find out and that made me feel
could find out and that made me feel
could find out and that made me feel even more guilty and even more ashamed
even more guilty and even more ashamed
even more guilty and even more ashamed and I was just so filled with anger and
and I was just so filled with anger and
and I was just so filled with anger and guilt and self-loathing and self-hatred
guilt and self-loathing and self-hatred
guilt and self-loathing and self-hatred and shame and secrecy and more guilt and
and shame and secrecy and more guilt and
and shame and secrecy and more guilt and those feelings really overwhelmed me and
those feelings really overwhelmed me and
those feelings really overwhelmed me and they were they were burning in my head
they were they were burning in my head
they were they were burning in my head and I felt like I needed some sort of
and I felt like I needed some sort of
and I felt like I needed some sort of release so I went to the shower and I
release so I went to the shower and I
release so I went to the shower and I took my razor and I dragged it all
took my razor and I dragged it all
took my razor and I dragged it all across my thighs and all down my arms
across my thighs and all down my arms
across my thighs and all down my arms because I thought that would make me
because I thought that would make me
because I thought that would make me feel better
feel better
feel better spoiler alert it
spoiler alert it
spoiler alert it not I felt a thousand times worse and
not I felt a thousand times worse and
not I felt a thousand times worse and because not only had I eaten all of this
because not only had I eaten all of this
because not only had I eaten all of this food which I thought made me a bad
food which I thought made me a bad
food which I thought made me a bad person not only had I made myself sick
person not only had I made myself sick
person not only had I made myself sick which I thought made me a bad person
which I thought made me a bad person
which I thought made me a bad person now I had also cut myself I was so
now I had also cut myself I was so
now I had also cut myself I was so overwhelmed and I had no idea what to do
overwhelmed and I had no idea what to do
overwhelmed and I had no idea what to do and I felt like if anyone found out my
and I felt like if anyone found out my
and I felt like if anyone found out my life as I knew it would be over I would
life as I knew it would be over I would
life as I knew it would be over I would be a freak and I would be an outcast and
be a freak and I would be an outcast and
be a freak and I would be an outcast and so I knew that no one could find out but
so I knew that no one could find out but
so I knew that no one could find out but at the back of my mind I decided that
at the back of my mind I decided that
at the back of my mind I decided that someone was probably gonna find out
someone was probably gonna find out
someone was probably gonna find out eventually and if I was gonna be a freak
eventually and if I was gonna be a freak
eventually and if I was gonna be a freak if I was gonna be an outcast I might as
if I was gonna be an outcast I might as
if I was gonna be an outcast I might as well be a skinny one so I started
well be a skinny one so I started
well be a skinny one so I started restricting again and that is how the
restricting again and that is how the
restricting again and that is how the cycle continued all through my high
cycle continued all through my high
cycle continued all through my high school years and all through those years
school years and all through those years
school years and all through those years I kept telling myself stories stories
I kept telling myself stories stories
I kept telling myself stories stories like you deserve this story is like
like you deserve this story is like
like you deserve this story is like you’re not good enough stories like you
you’re not good enough stories like you
you’re not good enough stories like you will never be good enough stories like
will never be good enough stories like
will never be good enough stories like no one will believe you if you tell them
no one will believe you if you tell them
no one will believe you if you tell them because I still didn’t know that I was
because I still didn’t know that I was
because I still didn’t know that I was sick I thought I was just a bad person
sick I thought I was just a bad person
sick I thought I was just a bad person with bad habits I didn’t know I had an
with bad habits I didn’t know I had an
with bad habits I didn’t know I had an illness I thought I just had a moral
illness I thought I just had a moral
illness I thought I just had a moral failing and because I didn’t know I was
failing and because I didn’t know I was
failing and because I didn’t know I was sick I didn’t get help I just accepted
sick I didn’t get help I just accepted
sick I didn’t get help I just accepted that this was my reality and that
that this was my reality and that
that this was my reality and that continued to be my reality when I flew
continued to be my reality when I flew
continued to be my reality when I flew from the small town of white cord
from the small town of white cord
from the small town of white cord Alberta to the bustling metropolis of
Alberta to the bustling metropolis of
Alberta to the bustling metropolis of Fredericton New Brunswick and because I
Fredericton New Brunswick and because I
Fredericton New Brunswick and because I didn’t know I was sick I didn’t get help
didn’t know I was sick I didn’t get help
didn’t know I was sick I didn’t get help and I ended up getting a whole lot
and I ended up getting a whole lot
and I ended up getting a whole lot sicker in first year University my whole
sicker in first year University my whole
sicker in first year University my whole life was numbers it was how much did I
life was numbers it was how much did I
life was numbers it was how much did I eat today how many calories did I eat
eat today how many calories did I eat
eat today how many calories did I eat today how much did I weigh today how
today how much did I weigh today how
today how much did I weigh today how many kilometers did I run today how many
many kilometers did I run today how many
many kilometers did I run today how many times did I go to the gym today how many
times did I go to the gym today how many
times did I go to the gym today how many times did I binge and purge today how
times did I binge and purge today how
times did I binge and purge today how many times did I cut myself today how
many times did I cut myself today how
many times did I cut myself today how long can I keep going on with this
long can I keep going on with this
long can I keep going on with this because even at that point I knew that
because even at that point I knew that
because even at that point I knew that my story had an ending my hair was dry
my story had an ending my hair was dry
my story had an ending my hair was dry and breaking my skin was dry my hands
and breaking my skin was dry my hands
and breaking my skin was dry my hands were cracking from exposure to my
were cracking from exposure to my
were cracking from exposure to my stomach acid I had stomach pains all the
stomach acid I had stomach pains all the
stomach acid I had stomach pains all the time my throat was raw and even then I
time my throat was raw and even then I
time my throat was raw and even then I didn’t get help because getting help was
didn’t get help because getting help was
didn’t get help because getting help was so scary it was more scary to get help
so scary it was more scary to get help
so scary it was more scary to get help than it was to continue living the way
than it was to continue living the way
than it was to continue living the way that
that
that I was living because the way that I was
I was living because the way that I was
I was living because the way that I was living in a lot of ways my life was
living in a lot of ways my life was
living in a lot of ways my life was awful but it was familiar to me it was
awful but it was familiar to me it was
awful but it was familiar to me it was an old well-worn story recovery was
an old well-worn story recovery was
an old well-worn story recovery was unfamiliar it was new it was scary
unfamiliar it was new it was scary
unfamiliar it was new it was scary because no one I knew was telling
because no one I knew was telling
because no one I knew was telling stories about recovery I didn’t even
stories about recovery I didn’t even
stories about recovery I didn’t even know that recovery was possible so I
know that recovery was possible so I
know that recovery was possible so I continued to not get help and I
continued to not get help and I
continued to not get help and I continued to binge and purge and
continued to binge and purge and
continued to binge and purge and self-harm and by the time I was 18 years
self-harm and by the time I was 18 years
self-harm and by the time I was 18 years old in the summer of 2012 my life had
old in the summer of 2012 my life had
old in the summer of 2012 my life had settled into a bit of a routine so I
settled into a bit of a routine so I
settled into a bit of a routine so I would wake up in the morning and I would
would wake up in the morning and I would
would wake up in the morning and I would go for a long run because in addition to
go for a long run because in addition to
go for a long run because in addition to still being on the wrestling team I was
still being on the wrestling team I was
still being on the wrestling team I was also training for a half marathon and
also training for a half marathon and
also training for a half marathon and then I would go to the gym and I worked
then I would go to the gym and I worked
then I would go to the gym and I worked at the gym I worked at the front desk
at the gym I worked at the front desk
at the gym I worked at the front desk and I wouldn’t work long shifts because
and I wouldn’t work long shifts because
and I wouldn’t work long shifts because I wanted to make money and I wouldn’t
I wanted to make money and I wouldn’t
I wanted to make money and I wouldn’t eat when I was there because the idea of
eat when I was there because the idea of
eat when I was there because the idea of being at the gym and eating as someone
being at the gym and eating as someone
being at the gym and eating as someone else was coming in to exercise was way
else was coming in to exercise was way
else was coming in to exercise was way too scary for me it was overwhelming
too scary for me it was overwhelming
too scary for me it was overwhelming even like the thought that people would
even like the thought that people would
even like the thought that people would see me eating made me shake with shame I
see me eating made me shake with shame I
see me eating made me shake with shame I was so ashamed of the fact that I had to
was so ashamed of the fact that I had to
was so ashamed of the fact that I had to eat at all that I had hunger that I
eat at all that I had hunger that I
eat at all that I had hunger that I experienced human biological functions
experienced human biological functions
experienced human biological functions then after my shift at the gym I would
then after my shift at the gym I would
then after my shift at the gym I would walk to the nearest grocery store which
walk to the nearest grocery store which
walk to the nearest grocery store which was about a 10 minute walk away and I
was about a 10 minute walk away and I
was about a 10 minute walk away and I would take my little recyclable grocery
would take my little recyclable grocery
would take my little recyclable grocery bags and I would buy two bags of food
bags and I would buy two bags of food
bags and I would buy two bags of food that was my rule eating disorders are
that was my rule eating disorders are
that was my rule eating disorders are full of rules and that was my rule I
full of rules and that was my rule I
full of rules and that was my rule I could buy two bags of food and I could
could buy two bags of food and I could
could buy two bags of food and I could buy whatever food I wanted and then I
buy whatever food I wanted and then I
buy whatever food I wanted and then I would walk home which was about another
would walk home which was about another
would walk home which was about another ten minute walk and I would eat and eat
ten minute walk and I would eat and eat
ten minute walk and I would eat and eat and purge and purge and eat more and
and purge and purge and eat more and
and purge and purge and eat more and purge more and then self-harm and then
purge more and then self-harm and then
purge more and then self-harm and then go to bed and that was my day I did that
go to bed and that was my day I did that
go to bed and that was my day I did that every single day and that routine sounds
every single day and that routine sounds
every single day and that routine sounds awful like especially seeing it from
awful like especially seeing it from
awful like especially seeing it from from this side that routine was horrible
from this side that routine was horrible
from this side that routine was horrible but it was safe to me it was what I knew
but it was safe to me it was what I knew
but it was safe to me it was what I knew until one day the routine betrayed me it
until one day the routine betrayed me it
until one day the routine betrayed me it seemed like a normal day it was in late
seemed like a normal day it was in late
seemed like a normal day it was in late May and I went for my run I worked at
May and I went for my run I worked at
May and I went for my run I worked at the gym I went to the grocery store I
the gym I went to the grocery store I
the gym I went to the grocery store I bought my two bags of food and I
bought my two bags of food and I
bought my two bags of food and I remember being in the grocery store
remember being in the grocery store
remember being in the grocery store parking lot and kind of stumbling a
parking lot and kind of stumbling a
parking lot and kind of stumbling a little bit and I remember thinking
little bit and I remember thinking
little bit and I remember thinking that’s not
that’s not
that’s not and then I thought Li just get home
and then I thought Li just get home
and then I thought Li just get home you’re gonna be okay and then I walked a
you’re gonna be okay and then I walked a
you’re gonna be okay and then I walked a little bit more and stumbled a little
little bit more and stumbled a little
little bit more and stumbled a little bit more and I thought okay I just have
bit more and I thought okay I just have
bit more and I thought okay I just have low blood sugar I’m gonna eat a little
low blood sugar I’m gonna eat a little
low blood sugar I’m gonna eat a little bit and then I’ll go home and then I can
bit and then I’ll go home and then I can
bit and then I’ll go home and then I can binge and purge and self-harm and go to
binge and purge and self-harm and go to
binge and purge and self-harm and go to bed didn’t call it a day and I remember
bed didn’t call it a day and I remember
bed didn’t call it a day and I remember thinking I’m just gonna have one little
thinking I’m just gonna have one little
thinking I’m just gonna have one little bite and the next thing I knew I had
bite and the next thing I knew I had
bite and the next thing I knew I had eaten all two bags of food right there
eaten all two bags of food right there
eaten all two bags of food right there in the Sobeys parking lot
in the Sobeys parking lot
in the Sobeys parking lot cars carts going by and me there just
cars carts going by and me there just
cars carts going by and me there just binging and when I kind of came to out
binging and when I kind of came to out
binging and when I kind of came to out of that binge I was like oh my god what
of that binge I was like oh my god what
of that binge I was like oh my god what have I done because there was nowhere
have I done because there was nowhere
have I done because there was nowhere nearby that I could purge and everyone
nearby that I could purge and everyone
nearby that I could purge and everyone had seen me eating and I was freaked out
had seen me eating and I was freaked out
had seen me eating and I was freaked out so I sprinted home and I threw myself
so I sprinted home and I threw myself
so I sprinted home and I threw myself into the bathroom and I made myself sick
into the bathroom and I made myself sick
into the bathroom and I made myself sick like I had done a thousand times before
like I had done a thousand times before
like I had done a thousand times before up to eight times a day for six years
up to eight times a day for six years
up to eight times a day for six years but this time was different and I felt
but this time was different and I felt
but this time was different and I felt this sharp pain in my stomach and I saw
this sharp pain in my stomach and I saw
this sharp pain in my stomach and I saw blood and the next thing I knew I was
blood and the next thing I knew I was
blood and the next thing I knew I was waking up on the bathroom floor because
waking up on the bathroom floor because
waking up on the bathroom floor because I passed out probably only for a couple
I passed out probably only for a couple
I passed out probably only for a couple seconds but it felt like it had been a
seconds but it felt like it had been a
seconds but it felt like it had been a long time and I remember thinking I’m
long time and I remember thinking I’m
long time and I remember thinking I’m surrounded by blood and sweat and vomit
surrounded by blood and sweat and vomit
surrounded by blood and sweat and vomit and this is not okay and I just need to
and this is not okay and I just need to
and this is not okay and I just need to go to bed and pretend that this never
go to bed and pretend that this never
go to bed and pretend that this never happened and that was what I plan to do
happened and that was what I plan to do
happened and that was what I plan to do so I went to get up to go to bed and my
so I went to get up to go to bed and my
so I went to get up to go to bed and my legs just refused to work my limbs just
legs just refused to work my limbs just
legs just refused to work my limbs just wouldn’t obey my commands because my
wouldn’t obey my commands because my
wouldn’t obey my commands because my body was so exhausted not just from
body was so exhausted not just from
body was so exhausted not just from everything I’d done that day but from
everything I’d done that day but from
everything I’d done that day but from everything that I had been doing for the
everything that I had been doing for the
everything that I had been doing for the past six years and so I ended up having
past six years and so I ended up having
past six years and so I ended up having to crawl from the bathroom to my bedroom
to crawl from the bathroom to my bedroom
to crawl from the bathroom to my bedroom and with my last ounce of energy I was
and with my last ounce of energy I was
and with my last ounce of energy I was so certain that I was dying that’s how
so certain that I was dying that’s how
so certain that I was dying that’s how terrible I felt I reached over to my
terrible I felt I reached over to my
terrible I felt I reached over to my journal that I kept by my bed and I
journal that I kept by my bed and I
journal that I kept by my bed and I wrote the note that I thought they would
wrote the note that I thought they would
wrote the note that I thought they would find me with and I wrote I’m sorry I
find me with and I wrote I’m sorry I
find me with and I wrote I’m sorry I don’t really know who I was apologizing
don’t really know who I was apologizing
don’t really know who I was apologizing to but I knew that the game was up that
to but I knew that the game was up that
to but I knew that the game was up that people would find me they’d find the
people would find me they’d find the
people would find me they’d find the mess I made and they’d know that I’d
mess I made and they’d know that I’d
mess I made and they’d know that I’d been lying for six years and I thought
been lying for six years and I thought
been lying for six years and I thought that they would be mad at me I thought
that they would be mad at me I thought
that they would be mad at me I thought that they would be disappointed in me
that they would be disappointed in me
that they would be disappointed in me and so I just wanted them to know that I
and so I just wanted them to know that I
and so I just wanted them to know that I was sorry but I woke up the next morning
was sorry but I woke up the next morning
was sorry but I woke up the next morning I destroyed the note and the next
I destroyed the note and the next
I destroyed the note and the next I phone counseling services I was
I phone counseling services I was
I phone counseling services I was finally less afraid to get help than I
finally less afraid to get help than I
finally less afraid to get help than I was to continue living the way that I
was to continue living the way that I
was to continue living the way that I had been living the way that I had been
had been living the way that I had been
had been living the way that I had been living for the past six years and I
living for the past six years and I
living for the past six years and I began the difficult process of recovery
began the difficult process of recovery
began the difficult process of recovery and slowly slowly but surely I got
and slowly slowly but surely I got
and slowly slowly but surely I got better I wasn’t cured maybe I’ll never
better I wasn’t cured maybe I’ll never
better I wasn’t cured maybe I’ll never be cured but I was better my life was
be cured but I was better my life was
be cured but I was better my life was finally more than just numbers it was
finally more than just numbers it was
finally more than just numbers it was more than my eating disorder it was more
more than my eating disorder it was more
more than my eating disorder it was more than my mental illness but I still had
than my mental illness but I still had
than my mental illness but I still had my story I still had everything I’d
my story I still had everything I’d
my story I still had everything I’d experienced weighing on me and the
experienced weighing on me and the
experienced weighing on me and the weight of that felt like it was crushing
weight of that felt like it was crushing
weight of that felt like it was crushing me and I desperately needed to tell
me and I desperately needed to tell
me and I desperately needed to tell someone so having bipolar disorder I do
someone so having bipolar disorder I do
someone so having bipolar disorder I do tend to do things in a big way so I
tend to do things in a big way so I
tend to do things in a big way so I wrote an article for my student
wrote an article for my student
wrote an article for my student newspaper talking about being gay and
newspaper talking about being gay and
newspaper talking about being gay and talking about having a mental illness
talking about having a mental illness
talking about having a mental illness and talking about what life was like in
and talking about what life was like in
and talking about what life was like in both of those closets and I waited for
both of those closets and I waited for
both of those closets and I waited for Wednesday and the article came out and
Wednesday and the article came out and
Wednesday and the article came out and then I waited a little bit more and the
then I waited a little bit more and the
then I waited a little bit more and the response that I got to that article
response that I got to that article
response that I got to that article changed my life I had people emailing me
changed my life I had people emailing me
changed my life I had people emailing me Facebook messaging me stopping me after
Facebook messaging me stopping me after
Facebook messaging me stopping me after class and even though their stories were
class and even though their stories were
class and even though their stories were all as unique as they were there was
all as unique as they were there was
all as unique as they were there was three things that they had in common
three things that they had in common
three things that they had in common they said I hear your story I have a
they said I hear your story I have a
they said I hear your story I have a story to thank you for showing me I’m
story to thank you for showing me I’m
story to thank you for showing me I’m not alone and that is how that my
not alone and that is how that my
not alone and that is how that my definition campaign got started by
definition campaign got started by
definition campaign got started by people saying I hear your story
people saying I hear your story
people saying I hear your story I have one too we are not alone I found
I have one too we are not alone I found
I have one too we are not alone I found that there were people all across my
that there were people all across my
that there were people all across my campus with stories to tell they were
campus with stories to tell they were
campus with stories to tell they were bursting at the seams trying to tell
bursting at the seams trying to tell
bursting at the seams trying to tell these stories but they didn’t know how
these stories but they didn’t know how
these stories but they didn’t know how what my definition did was gave them a
what my definition did was gave them a
what my definition did was gave them a howl
howl
howl it was almost a year after the article
it was almost a year after the article
it was almost a year after the article at the first my definition campaign
at the first my definition campaign
at the first my definition campaign launched in 2014 now almost two years
launched in 2014 now almost two years
launched in 2014 now almost two years later there are over 60 phases of the my
later there are over 60 phases of the my
later there are over 60 phases of the my definition campaign including a campaign
definition campaign including a campaign
definition campaign including a campaign that’s launching here at Dow the faces
that’s launching here at Dow the faces
that’s launching here at Dow the faces of my definition are our brothers our
of my definition are our brothers our
of my definition are our brothers our sisters our employees our employers our
sisters our employees our employers our
sisters our employees our employers our classmates our teachers our family our
classmates our teachers our family our
classmates our teachers our family our friends they describe themselves as
friends they describe themselves as
friends they describe themselves as being passionate artistic loving caring
being passionate artistic loving caring
being passionate artistic loving caring friendly their students their mothers
friendly their students their mothers
friendly their students their mothers their social workers they’re lovely and
their social workers they’re lovely and
their social workers they’re lovely and amazing and brilliant people they have
amazing and brilliant people they have
amazing and brilliant people they have mood disorders and eating disorders
mood disorders and eating disorders
mood disorders and eating disorders depression and anxiety schizophrenia OCD
depression and anxiety schizophrenia OCD
depression and anxiety schizophrenia OCD ADHD and much more they describe
ADHD and much more they describe
ADHD and much more they describe themselves as struggling with suffering
themselves as struggling with suffering
themselves as struggling with suffering from
from
from recovering from coping with living with
recovering from coping with living with
recovering from coping with living with or even simply having these issues they
or even simply having these issues they
or even simply having these issues they have mental illnesses but they have so
have mental illnesses but they have so
have mental illnesses but they have so much going on in their lives their
much going on in their lives their
much going on in their lives their mental health is a part of them but it’s
mental health is a part of them but it’s
mental health is a part of them but it’s not what defines them their real whole
not what defines them their real whole
not what defines them their real whole unique dynamic individuals they’re the
unique dynamic individuals they’re the
unique dynamic individuals they’re the kind of people I wish I’d known when I
kind of people I wish I’d known when I
kind of people I wish I’d known when I was 12 so I want to come back to the why
was 12 so I want to come back to the why
was 12 so I want to come back to the why why I tell my story why people care when
why I tell my story why people care when
why I tell my story why people care when I tell my story and I don’t tell my
I tell my story and I don’t tell my
I tell my story and I don’t tell my story so people will feel scared or sad
story so people will feel scared or sad
story so people will feel scared or sad or pity me I do it because there’s a
or pity me I do it because there’s a
or pity me I do it because there’s a power in telling a story when I was in
power in telling a story when I was in
power in telling a story when I was in the depths of my mental illness I was
the depths of my mental illness I was
the depths of my mental illness I was terrified of that power I thought it had
terrified of that power I thought it had
terrified of that power I thought it had the power to destroy my life
the power to destroy my life
the power to destroy my life and I was scared and I was vulnerable
and I was scared and I was vulnerable
and I was scared and I was vulnerable and I didn’t want to be looked at for
and I didn’t want to be looked at for
and I didn’t want to be looked at for only my mental illness I tell my story
only my mental illness I tell my story
only my mental illness I tell my story because I want to change the way that we
because I want to change the way that we
because I want to change the way that we think about mental illness that to let
think about mental illness that to let
think about mental illness that to let people know that people can have mental
people know that people can have mental
people know that people can have mental illness who are from a variety of
illness who are from a variety of
illness who are from a variety of personal backgrounds of genders of
personal backgrounds of genders of
personal backgrounds of genders of sexualities that you can still be a real
sexualities that you can still be a real
sexualities that you can still be a real whole unique person and have a mental
whole unique person and have a mental
whole unique person and have a mental illness and you can have them into
illness and you can have them into
illness and you can have them into illness and still be a real whole unique
illness and still be a real whole unique
illness and still be a real whole unique person I tell my story because I want
person I tell my story because I want
person I tell my story because I want people to know that this is an abstract
people to know that this is an abstract
people to know that this is an abstract theoretical stuff there are real people
theoretical stuff there are real people
theoretical stuff there are real people on your campus who are struggling with
on your campus who are struggling with
on your campus who are struggling with mental health issues and terrified to
mental health issues and terrified to
mental health issues and terrified to reach out because of stigma and I know
reach out because of stigma and I know
reach out because of stigma and I know that because I used to be one of them I
that because I used to be one of them I
that because I used to be one of them I tell my story because in every audience
tell my story because in every audience
tell my story because in every audience there are people who feel like they’re
there are people who feel like they’re
there are people who feel like they’re monsters who have felt like they’re
monsters who have felt like they’re
monsters who have felt like they’re monsters for a long time and I want them
monsters for a long time and I want them
monsters for a long time and I want them to know that they’re not monsters and
to know that they’re not monsters and
to know that they’re not monsters and that they’re not alone I tell my story
that they’re not alone I tell my story
that they’re not alone I tell my story because it’s not just mine it’s your
because it’s not just mine it’s your
because it’s not just mine it’s your family members it’s your friends it
family members it’s your friends it
family members it’s your friends it might even be yours I want to share a
might even be yours I want to share a
might even be yours I want to share a quote with you
quote with you
quote with you by a writer named Wesley King and he
by a writer named Wesley King and he
by a writer named Wesley King and he says I cannot unknow the monsters but I
says I cannot unknow the monsters but I
says I cannot unknow the monsters but I can become the person who would have
can become the person who would have
can become the person who would have saved 13-year old me we all have
saved 13-year old me we all have
saved 13-year old me we all have monsters mine happens to be mental
monsters mine happens to be mental
monsters mine happens to be mental illness but we all have them and we all
illness but we all have them and we all
illness but we all have them and we all have 13 15 20 30 80 year-old versions of
have 13 15 20 30 80 year-old versions of
have 13 15 20 30 80 year-old versions of ourselves that need to be saved but if
ourselves that need to be saved but if
ourselves that need to be saved but if we’re brave and if we’re vulnerable and
we’re brave and if we’re vulnerable and
we’re brave and if we’re vulnerable and if we share our stories we can also be
if we share our stories we can also be
if we share our stories we can also be the people who do the saving thank you
the people who do the saving thank you
the people who do the saving thank you you
”
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